UPJOKE
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Disaster Jokes

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.
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Would it have been possible to avoid the disaster of Chernobyl?

In theory yes, but those damn Swedes couldn't keep their mouth shut.
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What is the difference between accident and disaster?

If a person drowns, it's an accident, but not a disaster.
If the whole top government of russia dies in an airplane crash, it's a disaster but not necessarily an accident...
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I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
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Autocorrect Disaster

A man decides to confess to his friend a secret he's been keeping for a long time over text.

“I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, bu...
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The Titanic disaster happened 106 years ago today...

Just let that sink in
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.
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A friend of mine just saw a documentary on the Chernobyl disaster..

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 8 inaccuracies on one hand
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Have you heard about the PR disaster at EA over Battlefront 2?

*60,000 credits*
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

Disaster at the pet show

Our ginger tom won overall best in show! It was a cat-has-trophy.
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I had a bukkake party last night.

It was a disaster. Nobody came.
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Animals can sense disasters before they happen.

That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.
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The US is having so many disasters and tragedies

Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!
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Pravda headline after the disaster at Chernobyl

In the power plant of Chernobyl, our glorious marvel of technology, Soviet ingenuity and craftsmanship allowed hard working Soviet civil engineers, pinnacle of technology advancement worldwide, to fulfill five year plan of power generation in mere five milliseconds.
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Took my kid to a classical music concert. It was a disaster

Way too much sax and violins
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The results for “The Disaster Artist” are in.

Overall, it’s received Hi Marks.
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Why was the LGBT parade float a disaster?

Their tranny stopped working
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

...

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What do you call a natural disaster full of prostitutes?

A whornado

Did you hear about the disaster that happened at the constipation ward?

Everyone was heavily impacted.
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Not a fan of the Disaster Artist...

I hope he doesn't get re-elected in 2020
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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

Bean Disaster

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...
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What natural disaster benefits China?

Blizzard
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The three greatest disaster of the 20th century:

hiroshima '45

chernobyl '86

windows '95
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We are not sure what April's disaster is...

It May not exist
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Who is the only person who survives every disaster?

The movie camera-man.
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Tianjin's disaster could have been prevented...

After all, the experts have warned us that China's population might explode.
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Disaster strikes as an airplane loses control and falls in the ocean.

Two friends are watching the news on the accident.

Mike:" Dude, that is terrible."

John:"I don't think it is that terrible."

Mike:"How could you say that?"

John:"Compared to the amount of accidents in the world, it is merely a drop in the ocean."
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A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats
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My whole week was a disaster

Wife died
Dog walked away
Car crashed into a tree
My house burned down

The only positive thing were the results of my cancer tests
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I know the next 2020 disaster

Road WON'T Work Ahead
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People usually think rolling a Natural 1 is a total disaster

But apparently the real disaster is Roll20.
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Did you hear about the airline stewardess who accidentally backed into a propeller?

Disaster!
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Two antennas got married. Wedding ceremony was a disaster.

But reception was really good.
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Difference between a tragedy and a disaster

A boy asks his dad the difference between tragedy and a disaster. The father answers "a tragedy is if we were on a boat and your mother falls off the boat into the water". "So what's a disaster" asks the boy, "if your mother knows how to swim" says the father.

Sorry for my poor English, this ...
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Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are hurricanes the best natural disaster?

They at least have the decency to get you wet before violently fucking you!

The disaster that is 2020 has all led up to this...

...in November, US citizens will actually get to choose between another disaster or mediocrity
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I tired to make a joke about Manchester United's Munich Air Disaster.

But it didn't land well.
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My relationship with the time traveling girl was a complete disaster.

It was over even before it began.
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President Bush visits a primary school.

Yes, it’s an old one, Bush was president when I first heard it and I’m keeping it that way.

President Bush visits a primary school and joins a class in a history lesson, when the teacher just asked: “Can somebody tell me what a tragedy is?”

A boy raises his hand and says: “When a bus ...
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Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today...

...when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery there early this morning.

Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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I tried online dating, but it was a disaster.

I never could understand what the profiles meant. Apparently, "GWM" does not stand for "Girl With Money".
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Worst air disaster in Irish aviation history has been reported.

Single seater airplane crashed, so far 985 bodies recovered, emergency services continue to dig to find casualties.

Spokesman has said unsure why pilot crash landed in a cemetery.
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My wife yelled down the stairs that I was courting disaster.

"No honey," I called up, "we have been married for nearly seven years."
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...
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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother and I made a bet— whoever lost our Scrabble game would have to eat a tray full of the tiles.

My next poop could spell disaster.

If you are a man, don't visit nuclear disaster zones.

Because chernobyl fallout.
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There's a disaster at sea.

Only three guys and one girl survive and are washed up on a island god knows were.

Knowing that they are probably stranded for a long time they decide to start making a shelter, collecting food, making rudimentary weapons and any other shit stranded people do.

Time pass and no sign of ...

Paddy's firework party was a complete disaster.

"I don't understand it!" He said. "They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday,"
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My friend likes to make off-color jokes about environmental disasters, like the Exxon Valdez and the Deepwater Horizon accidents.

He's so crude.
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Q. Did you hear about the nuclear disaster in Ukraine - don’t go there! A. Oh - why not?

Chernobyl fall off!
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What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner?

The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.
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National disasters really turn my wife on

Everytime I come home from disaster relief efforts she is pregnant
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Hear about the pimp who wanted to do his part to support the victims of a disaster?

He sent THOTs and prayers.
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There hasn't really been any natural disasters lately

Even the mudslides have gone downhill.
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Reflections on the Jonestown massacre of 1978

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type...
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The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.
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What does a bad developer and my mom have in common?

Both pushed a disaster.
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Goya tried to cover up a disaster at one of their factories

Someone spilled the beans.
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What does Titanic disaster and your moms dietary plan have in common?

Lots of drowned seamen.
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What does CNN call back-to-back aviation disasters?

Christmas in July
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A scientist tried to recreate the Chernobyl disaster using only transparent gases

It was a new, clear reaction.
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They say comedy = Tragedy + Time.

So I started giving away watches at disasters.
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What do you call a group of people who are trying to rebuild after a major disaster?

The Detroit Tigers.
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Diary Entries of a Married Couple

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I s...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled o...

My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meagre rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.

I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.
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The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)
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A Ukranian man is out on a walk with his grandson. The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"

A Ukranian man is out on a walk with his grandson. The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"
"Yes, child," he says, patting his grandson's head.
"But I heard that there were no consequences at all; is this true too?"<...
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I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...
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What’s the difference between a disaster and a tragedy?

A disaster would be if Donald Trump fell into a ditch.

A tragedy would be if someone pulled him out.
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A man dies and goes to heaven…

St. Pete says “Welcome to heaven. Any questions?”

The man says “Yes. God is supposed to be all knowing, all powerful, and benevolent. Frankly, most people are miserable. There is war, disease, poverty, environmental disaster, genocide, all that. What’s going on?”

St. Pete turn...
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Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teach...
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Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.
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My friend recently subscribed to HBO and asked me if I could help him with the name of the disaster TV show he had been hearing everyone talk about at work.

Apparently, it's not Game of Thrones S8.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good sex or bad sex?

Two women are talking:

“How was the sex last night?” one asks.

“A catastrophe! My husband came from work, had dinner in 3 minutes, after we had 4 minutes sex, he was deep sleep 2 minutes after! That fucker! And yours, How was it? “

”My, was AMAZING! My husband took me out for a...

All of the world's natural disaster met to decide which one was the worst.

Avalanche won by a landslide.
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In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. "He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me." the President said.

Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter.
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Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?
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When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...
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