Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

I have always suspected that people are selfish and during disasters will only look after number 1...

...but the Corona virus is proving they are more concerned with number 2's.

How to distinguish when your son has an accomplishment or a disaster?

Wife shouts:
_come see your son_ = disaster

Wife shouts:
_come see my son_ = achievement

Who is the only person who survives every disaster?

The movie camera-man.

We are not sure what April's disaster is...

It May not exist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

The three greatest disaster of the 20th century:

hiroshima '45

chernobyl '86

windows '95

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

What’s the difference between a disaster and a tragedy?

A disaster would be if Donald Trump fell into a ditch.

A tragedy would be if someone pulled him out.

Bean Disaster

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

I just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster

What natural disaster benefits China?

Blizzard

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies,

You'd almost think the whole country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

Ya'll hear about that two-seater plane that crashed into the graveyard?

It was a bloody disaster, authorities dug up nearly 300 bodies

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. "He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me." the President said.

Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter.

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my boyfriend was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhe...

Disaster strikes as an airplane loses control and falls in the ocean.

Two friends are watching the news on the accident.

Mike:" Dude, that is terrible."

John:"I don't think it is that terrible."

Mike:"How could you say that?"

John:"Compared to the amount of accidents in the world, it is merely a drop in the ocean."

James meets his high school friend Harry.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

Q. Did you hear about the nuclear disaster in Ukraine - don’t go there! A. Oh - why not?

Chernobyl fall off!

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies

Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!

My relationship with the time traveling girl was a complete disaster.

It was over even before it began.

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

The Titanic disaster happened 106 years ago today...

Just let that sink in

Why was the LGBT parade float a disaster?

Their tranny stopped working

Ireland has had its worst ever air disaster. A small 4-seater plane has crashed into a cemetery...

So far, rescue workers have retrieved 432 bodies, but expect the number to rise as digging continues through the night...

A Man Finds a Lamp...

A man is on a walj when he comes across as lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes.

The man thinks long and hard and declares "I want to live a long and healthy life."

The genie immediately scans the man's body, eliminatin...

***2020 CANCELLED***

After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.

While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just ...

Hameed the good lad

Once upon a time, a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!" One day, his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told h...

Have you heard about the PR disaster at EA over Battlefront 2?

*60,000 credits*

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

People usually think rolling a Natural 1 is a total disaster

But apparently the real disaster is Roll20.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

My mom said it's too soon to make coronavirus jokes

But if we wait any longer, it'll be a disaster!

Hear about the pimp who wanted to do his part to support the victims of a disaster?

He sent THOTs and prayers.

If you are a man, don't visit nuclear disaster zones.

Because chernobyl fallout.

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

The results for “The Disaster Artist” are in.

Overall, it’s received Hi Marks.

The Worst Natural Disaster

So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.

* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a dee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cow Jokes

What do u call a cow with 4 legs? A cow

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri-tip

What do u call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Meat

What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Steak

What do u call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Where do you find a cow with no legs?
R...

Two antennas got married. Wedding ceremony was a disaster.

But reception was really good.

Not a fan of the Disaster Artist...

I hope he doesn't get re-elected in 2020

What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner?

The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.

The orgy I organized was a complete disaster

Nobody came.

Why have we been having so many natural disasters lately?

I think the world is trying to prepare us for what nuclear war feels like.

Animals can sense disasters before they happen.

That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.

Autocorrect Disaster

A man decides to confess to his friend a secret he's been keeping for a long time over text.

“I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, bu...

What does Titanic disaster and your moms dietary plan have in common?

Lots of drowned seamen.

The Titanic was relatively quiet before the disaster.

If only someone had broken the ice.

Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets?

Because their ports are always a disaster!

He will now just be known as ince Andrew

After the Pr disaster.



<Twiddling thumbs waiting to find out that someone already came up with this?>

What do you call a group of people who are trying to rebuild after a major disaster?

The Detroit Tigers.

Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today...

...when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery there early this morning.

Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three marriage criteria

There was a woman, whose relationship is always a disaster.

Frustrated, she decided to put up a notice in search of one special partner. She specify three criteria. Any man who want her, must met all of the criteria.

However, her criteria seems ridiculous since there’s no one respond...

Tianjin's disaster could have been prevented...

After all, the experts have warned us that China's population might explode.

My wife yelled down the stairs that I was courting disaster.

"No honey," I called up, "we have been married for nearly seven years."

[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy driv...

I hosted my very first orgy last night and it was a total disaster

Nobody came.

National disasters really turn my wife on

Everytime I come home from disaster relief efforts she is pregnant

Which global disasters happen when you drop a roast turkey?

The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China, and the overthrow of Greece.

Today marks the 80th anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster.

Next up: Led Zeppelin.

What happened when the cow jumped over a fence?

It was an udder disaster!

Difference between a tragedy and a disaster

A boy asks his dad the difference between tragedy and a disaster. The father answers "a tragedy is if we were on a boat and your mother falls off the boat into the water". "So what's a disaster" asks the boy, "if your mother knows how to swim" says the father.

Sorry for my poor English, this ...

Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked ...

A Ukranian man is out on a walk with his grandson. The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"

A Ukranian man is out on a walk with his grandson. The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"
"Yes, child," he says, patting his grandson's head.
"But I heard that there were no consequences at all; is this true too?"<...

I'm so upset- I threw a bukkake party last night, but it was a complete disaster.

Nobody came.

What's the difference between Russia and Bethseda

Russia's fallout disaster is forgivable.

To commemorate the disaster in Mecca where a crane fell and crushed pilgrims, Saudi Arabia will build a restaurant at the site.

An IHOP: International House of Pancakes.

Paddy's firework party was a complete disaster.

"I don't understand it!" He said. "They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday,"

There hasn't really been any natural disasters lately

Even the mudslides have gone downhill.

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

Instead Of Blocking Your Ex

Become such a disaster online, that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you



Revenge 101

Ed Smith was a famous but rude ore trader in the area.

ED SMITH'S SHOP.

It was one of the biggest landmarks in the town. You could just look at that big metal sign and see how proud the man was of his trade.

No matter how good a businessman he was, Ed's arrogant behavior was loathed by pretty much everyone. He was too proud of his riches, ...

Goya tried to cover up a disaster at one of their factories

Someone spilled the beans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a disaster at sea.

Only three guys and one girl survive and are washed up on a island god knows were.

Knowing that they are probably stranded for a long time they decide to start making a shelter, collecting food, making rudimentary weapons and any other shit stranded people do.

Time pass and no sign of ...

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

A scientist tried to recreate the Chernobyl disaster using only transparent gases

It was a new, clear reaction.

Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue

and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy.
Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be a...

My career is absolutely on fire at the moment.

Only problem is that my career is accident and disaster prevention.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good sex or bad sex?

Two women are talking:

“How was the sex last night?” one asks.

“A catastrophe! My husband came from work, had dinner in 3 minutes, after we had 4 minutes sex, he was deep sleep 2 minutes after! That fucker! And yours, How was it? “

”My, was AMAZING! My husband took me out for a...

All of the world's natural disaster met to decide which one was the worst.

Avalanche won by a landslide.

What does CNN call back-to-back aviation disasters?

Christmas in July

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