Policemen & Firemen have one thing in common

Policemen & Firemen have one thing in common.

They all want to be Firemen.

I just got into a fight with the firemen...

They keep harvesting my cat tree!

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Three Aggies show up at a biblical costume party dressed as firemen.

"This is a biblical costume party!" says the host. "What are you supposed to be?"

"Well," says one of them, "it says right here in the Bible that three wisemen came from afar!"

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Two firemen...(NSFW)

Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke-filled room. The chief walks in and says, "What the hell is going on here?". One of the firefighters says, "Johnson here was suffering from smoke inhalation, sir!" The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You treat that with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" And the fi...

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

I can't be doing with those pricks who knock on my door and tell me they're my saviour and if I don't listen I'll burn.

Damn Firemen.

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There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck, he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

What do you call two Spanish firemen?

Hose A and Hose B

Im reading about a horrific clothing fire in the china. They have the fire put out already but firemen are still searching the building.

Thankfully they have not discovered any casual Ts.

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

More and more firemen are calling in sick, do you know why?

Because they are burned out

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?

Bros before hose.

What did the firemen turned pimp do to streamline his business?

Fire hoes.

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Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room...

The captain enters the room and yells at the firemen "What the hell are you guys doing?"

The fireman points to his bent over coworker and says "He passed out from smoke inhalation."

"Why didn't you just give him mouth-to-mouth?" The captain asks...

The bent over fireman says "H...

Why don't firemen have poles any more?

Immigration limits.

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A Brave Bunch of Volunteer Firemen...

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was a more than the fire department could handle.Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.

Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, t...

Have you heard of the two Mexican firemen?

Hose-A and Hose-B.

A priest, doctor, and engineer are golfing

They are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimes in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest says, “Here comes the greenkeeper. Let’s have a word...

An Irishman is pulled from a bar on fire

The firemen, in the interest of finding out the cause ask him, "What started the fire!?"

The Irishman, covered on soot, shakes his head. "Beats me. It was already on fire when I went in."

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The Firemen (told by my aunt at Christmas. NSFW)

So two firemen are buttfucking in a smoke filled room...

The fire chief is outside wondering what is taking so long so he storms upstairs, throws open the the door, sees the men, and screams, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?!"

One fireman looks away from his business and calmly say...

Fire

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her...

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What do firemen and Eastern European prostitutes have in common?

They both go down on poles.

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened?

FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe ...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

I just burned 2400 calories.

The firemen adviced not to take a nap while baking

Escaping the Fire

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen y...

A little girl lived next to a Firehouse.

Inspired by the activity when the firemen would respond to an emergency, she decided she wanted to be just like them.She took her little red wagon and rolled up a garden hose and stuck it to the wagon.Then she fixated a crude,makeshift ladder.Finally she grabbed a rope,tied one end to the front of h...

THE FLOOD

This one of my all time favorites... can’t remember where I heard it.

There was a religious man who lived by a river. One day a sheriffs deputy came by and said to him, “There’s a flood coming. You want to get to higher ground.” The man replied, “Thank you officer, but I trust in the Lord. HE...

They know we're isolating, but my mates keep yelling at me to leave the house.

They think they're so special just because they're firemen.

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

Fire at the Pub

A firehouse got a call about a pub. The firemen rushed there to see the place ablaze. They could hear someone calling for help from inside. Two of them ran in to see an Irishman trapped under debris. They were able to pull him out as the rest of them fought the fire. One of his rescuers asked how th...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn."

Stupid firemen

[I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared](http://i.imgur.com/6Q1KD6K.jpg) but others have pointed me to:
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)
[OP2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christi...

The Irishman

Some firemen pull an Irishman from a burning bar. He's coughing, completely covered in soot, and stinks strongly of smoke.

When the firemen ask him how the fire started the Irishman says, "How the hell should I know? The place was on fire when when I got here!"

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

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A cop marries a girl he's never had sex with.

Figuring she is naive, on the wedding night he drops his pants and says, "Do you know what this is, honey?" His wife giggles and blushes and says, "Oh it's your little wee-wee." The cop says, "This, dear, is a cock." The wife sys, "Hey, I've dated firemen and EMTs, and believe me, that's a little we...

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N.W.A. writes a song called Fuck the Police and everybody loves it.

I write a song called Fuck the Firemen and apparently I'm just an asshole.

One of the funniest jokes I've ever seen

I really hate those people who knock on your door and say that you must be 'saved' or you'll 'burn'.





Stupid firemen.

Me [whispering]: don’t tell my wife I tried to make bacon in the toaster....

Wife [getting out of the car]: what the hell happened????????????........................
[all 6 firemen in unison]: he tried to make bacon in the toaster.....

An anti-joke I wrote

3 nuns, a rabbi, a soldier, 4 orphans, 2 blind men, 6 white guys, a Jew, 4 Koreans, a Canadian, 2 Italians, 6 prison guards, 5 blondes, 3 polish women, 4 atheists, a doctor, 7 grad students, 2 firemen, 3 birthday clowns, a police officer, 9 soccer moms, 2 soccer dads, a biologist, a chemist, 3 physi...

Did you hear about the man who had two wooden legs?

His house caught fire. A neighbour called 911 and firemen responded. They saved the house but the man burned to the ground.

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were playing a round of golf.

They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.

The Scotsman lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"

The Irishman nodded in agreement.

The Englishman saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come t...

A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are golfing...

... and they keep getting held up by a twosome in front of them. The two guys can't hit straight, take forever to find their balls, they are terrible, and no amount of yelling at them seems to help. Finally the greenskeeper comes around in his cart so they flag him down.

The greenskeeper sa...

A quarterback from a local football team is jogging through his neighborhood...

As he’s running he’s talking himself up like “yeah, you’re the best” “you’re gonna throw that ball so hard bro”

as he’s jogging he begins to hear screaming down the street and sees an area that seems brighter than the rest. He wraps around the corner to see what’s happening.

As he ar...

Saving people from a burning building

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were caught in a burning building and rushed to the roof to get away from the smoke. Soon, they hear sirens of the fire truck approach and peer over the edge. They see a group of 4 firefighters get out and each grab a hold of a tarp to catch them in.

The b...

I was using smoke signals and was surprised by who responded

Some firemen

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Two firefighters save a mother cat from a tree.

The owner promises them the kittens once they grow big enough, and the firefighters happily accept. Half a year later, the kittens arrive and they bring great joy.

The next day, the two firefighters receive an emergency call stating that a barn is burning. The men rush there and learn that a ...

Tractors

For a long time now, I've had an obsession with tractors. When I was little, all I asked for for my birthday was tractor related stuff. I had tractor toys, tractor stationary, tractor bags.

When I was 17, my parents bought me my very first tractor. It was a bit rusty, but I was just elated ...

God please

A very pious man is stuck in quicksand. He's in up to his belly when 2 firemen come by, he says : " only God can save me, leave me alone!". The 2 firemen insist but the religious man won't change his mind, "only God can help me" he repeats. The firemen finally leave him but after some time they feel...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on top of a burning building.

There are firefighters at the bottom with a rescue blanket. "Jump down we will catch you" the firemen yelled. The brunette jumped down, when she was close the firemen yanked the blanket away and laughed as she went splat on the pavement.

They the tell the redhead to jump "The brunette wasn't ...

An Engineer, a priest, and a doctor...

An engineer , a priest, and a doctor are all out golfing when they notice three blind men golfing in front of them. The blind are taking forever and the doctor calls over the club house manager and asks what's going on. The manager says well you see those are three firemen that saved our clubhouse f...

Irishman and the fire

Firemen receive a call that the local bar is on fire. They rush over to the local bar and sure enough, the whole bar is aflame.

They sweep into the burning bar to check for survivors and find a man face down on the floor. They pull him from the flames, soot-ridden and unconscious, they sl...

Blind Golfers

One day out on a golf course, a team of policemen, firemen, and engineers were getting ready to tee off, when another team of all blind golfers, who never shot above par, asked if they could go first. The policemen said, "we're impressed that you can golf blind, sure go ahead." The firemen said, "yo...

A fire rages in a high-rise apartment in Germany...

and a woman and her baby are stuck on a high floor, looking out the window. The firetruck's ladder cannot reach them, so the woman contemplates throwing the baby down to the firemen but both the mother and the firemen are scared of maybe not catching the baby.

Then, Manuel Neuer, Germany's...

Why do fire departments have dalmatians?

To help the firemen find the hydrants

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I'm sick of these people turning up at my door, telling me they're my saviours and if I don't listen I'll burn.

Fucking firemen.

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

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