A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...

I had to borrow a truck from my good friend Ben Thunder.

I have Ben Thunder's truck.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

neighbor got a job driving a pepsi truck, they fired him the next day.

he tested positive for coke.

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I have a “Honk if you think I’m sexy bumper sticker” on the back of my truck...

I have to sit through red to green light changes to try and make myself feel better

A truck carrying vicks vaporub crashed on the highway.

However, there was no congestion for hours.

The ice cream truck is going down the street

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath

Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “

Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you....

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

He hands her $10

"Well, wash your hands, I want ...

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A family are driving behind a garbage truck....

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off th...

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Thieves stole a truck full of viagra this morning...

Police have asked the public to keep an eye out for *hardened criminals*.

A police officer knocked on my door around 8 last night to tell me it looks like my wife has been hit by a truck.

I explained that I agree, but she is a great mother, and is super nice.

I really want a truck queue this weekend.

Oops, sorry, I meant for that to be a pickup line.

I have an unusual fear of Semi-trucks

I guess you could call me antisemitic.

Why are fire trucks red???

Because they have 8 wheels....
They hold 4 passengers...
8+4=12...
There are 12 inches in a foot...
A foot is also known as a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was also the name of a ship...
That ship sailed the seas...
In the seas there are fish...
...

Today, I saw a cop dancing while pulling over a U-Haul truck.

I think he was trying to bust a move.

I have two friends. An astronaut and a truck driver.

I like the truck driver more because he seems more down to earth than the astronaut.

What do you call a row of trucks hauling nachos?

A cheesy pickup line.

Why did the ice truck crash?

Cause the driver was on a rocky road

A young man's truck breaks down in rural Georgia right next to a farm

After trying (and failing) to fix his truck, he decides to ask the farmer if he can spend the night at his house. The farmer reluctantly agrees, saying "The only room I have available is across from my 18 year old daughter's room. I don't want to see you trying anything." As the farmer leads the you...

Want to hear a joke about a truck?

Actually, I don't have any jokes, but I have a couple pickup lines.

The other day I got into an accident with a garbage truck.

It was such a waste of time.

A bus full of UGLY people crashes into a truck, they die, and go to Heaven.

When they arrive god is there and says: “I will grant each of you one wish”

The first man in line, gets up and asks to be handsome, God then grants this wish and the man becomes handsome.

The next person then asks for the same thing, and God grants their wish and makes them attractive....

A Smuckers truck blew up in front of me today

I got stuck in a horrible traffic jam

A man was driving down the road with some penguins in his truck when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the ro...

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Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?

My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

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A nun was hitchhiking and the truck driver decided to give her a lift

Nun kept saying how grateful she was and if there's anything she could do in return. The trucker was a bit shy at first, but finally admitted:

- "Well, you know how lonely these roads can get, and we truckers really like to make some love on the way. And to be honest, I've never had sex with ...

I hit a deer with my truck on the way home

And I really don't like it when meat goes to waste, so I guess it's a good thing I got it on the grille right away.

What's the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload sand with a pitchfork

Tesla made a coupe, sedan, SUV, semi, and truck. The next should be..

The Elon Busk

95% of all Ford trucks made in the past 20 years are still on the road.

The rest have been towed home.

A farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I d...

I’ve been in the army for the last year and I’m home visiting my girlfriend. I come home and find my friend that is an electrician’s work truck outside my girlfriends house.

I guess he’s fixing a “clap-on,clap-off” light bulb because I can hear them clapping from outside.

A truck transporting cheese in France got into an accident and exploded

Da Brie is everywhere

A country singers truck

With the evolution of self driving cars it’s not gonna take long before a country singers truck leaves him as well as his wife.

A farmer took his truck in for repairs.

The local mechanic's couldn't do it while he waited: so, as he didn't live far, he said he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, s...

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A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck

because the bed of his truck is full of ducks. The officer says, “Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!”

The old man confirms that he will and drives off. The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of duck...

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“Playing Truck Driver”

One day this man had gotten home from work and saw this boy in his neighborhood sitting outside on the sidewalk with a bag of M&Ms and an Alley Cat.

The little boy ate a couple M&Ms, bit the cat, moved 3 feet, ate some more M&Ms then bit the cat again.

The man confused as h...

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

I recently saw on the news they caught the man who robbed a Campbell’s soup truck...

I hope they they lock him up for mmmmm...good

I saw on the news that a truck carrying almonds collided with another truck carrying glitter.

Apparently the road was covered with with almonds and glitter.

And I thought, "That's pretty nuts"

Newsflash! Tanker truck carrying brine has crashed and spilled its contents all over the highway.

Motorists are reported to be in a pickle.

Why do women make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them a full load, and they take 9 months to deliver.

It seems like people either love or hate the new Tesla truck design...

It sure is a wedge issue!

A man is driving down the road with several knives in the back of his truck when a police officer pulls him over

The police officer asks the man, "Why do you have so many knives in the back of your truck?"

The man responds, "Well sir, I'm a juggler it's part of my act."

The police officer responds snarling, "We've had several homicides the past few weeks I'm going to need you to prove it!"
...

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A border custom officer saw a suspicious truck at the check post.

The officer immediately asked the Truck driver to bring the truck aside for a complete check up.

"Are you smuggling something?" asked the officer to the truck driver. "It would be wise if you told me before we found something."

"Nope," said the truck driver casually. And he was right. ...

A truck driver carrying 6 penguins got into an accident

A car driver stop by and ask if everybody is alright.

The truck driver says to the car driver if he could help and take the 6 penguins to the Zoo for him, while he fixes his truck. The car driver more than happy to help, takes the 6 penguins and leave.

Few days later, the t...

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Redneck daughter says "Daddy, can I borrow the truck?" (NSFW)

Her dad replies, "sure thing baby, but first, you gotta come I've here and suck my dick." So she goes down on him, but pulls away and yells, "damn Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Her dad says, "oh yeah, that's right, your brother borrowed the truck bout an hour ago, sorry."

The Truck Driver and the Priest

In a small town outside of a big city, there was this truck driver who hated Lawyers. Now I mean like he really hated them lawyers. So whenever he was driving, he would intentionally swerve to hit them. Now, one day, he was driving his normal route, when he spots a priest on the side of the road. So...

Three cowboys are riding in a truck all dressed head to toe identically who is the smartest?

The one in the middle because he doesn't have to drive and doesn't have to open the gate.

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

Dad: *washing truck with his son*

Son: "Dad, you could just use a sponge..."

What did the VSCO girl say when she got hit by an ice cream truck?

"And I scoop-"

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

Did you hear about the cheese trucks that collided in France?

The only thing left at the scene was debrie

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

I went to a barbeque food truck with a silver dollar.

I handed it to the lady and said, "Could I get some fries for this?"

"Sure, but what else do you want?" Confused, I said "Well, just the fries. This is all I have." She seemed slightly annoyed, "Ok, sir... But would you prefer a baked potato, green beans, cornbread or mac and cheese to go alo...

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Just a little fire truck

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her...

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

Likely a reddit repost, but I’d never seen it before and thought it was funny. Maybe you will too.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

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Gus the Accountant

Gus has been doing accountancy for like 35 years and he's sick of it.

So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.

Everyday he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything h...

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

Did you hear about the dolphin who steals swimtrucks?

He does it on porpoise.

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Man goes to buy a new car...

The salesman at the dealership talks with him for a while and sets him up with a car that suits his needs. As he's leaving the lot, he wants to listen to some music and discovers there isn't any buttons on the stereo. He beckons over the salesman and asks "what's the deal with the stereo, I can't tu...

What has 4 wheels and flies?

Garbage truck

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

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An Israeli and his Czech friend were wandering through the forest when a bear reared up and ate the Czech guy.The Jewish guy ran to the nearest Ranger office,to report what happened. The ranger went off in his truck and returned shortly with two bears in cages in the back.

‘These are the only two bears in the vicinity can you identify which one ate your friend?’ The ranger asked
‘How could I recognize which bear is which?’ Said the fellow
‘Well,’ countered the Ranger’ One is a male bear and the other a female, maybe when the bear reared up to eat your friend you...

Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street.

Police are combing the area.

What do you call it when police officers stop a uhaul truck?

Busting a move

I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup...

But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue.

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..

and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, an...

A friend of mine chops down trees, and then hauls away the lumber with a fleet of F-350 Super Duty pickup trucks...

...he's pining for the Fjords.

A cop pulled a truck driver over who was driving around with a truck full of penguins

"You can't keep these penguins in your truck!" The cop said "You need to take them to the zoo!"
The truck driver promised to take the penguins to the zoo immediately and drove of.
The next day the cop pulled the same truck driver over. The truck was still full of penguins.
"Didn't I tell yo...

A case of shingles

A good ole boy by the name of Bubba walked into a Doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and as...

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

What type of vehicle does a rural boy with synchronous diaphragmatic flutter drive?

A hiccup truck

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A mother was driving with her daughter. They get behind a truck and all of a sudden...

A giant dildo hits their windshield. The daughter says “What was that, Mommy?!”
Mom says, “It was just a bug, honey.”
Daughter says, “Well, that bug has the biggest dick I’ve ever seen!”

What does a UPS truck in a lake and a Magic Mike show have in common?

A lot of wet boxes.

Hugh Laurie just got his American citizenship!

He now goes by "Hugh Truck"

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

A lawyer parks his Ferrari.

As he opens the driver's door to get out, a truck comes tunneling through and breaks off the car door.

The lawyer is understandably upset, crying "My Ferrari! My beautiful, expensive Ferrari!"

A man from the sidewalk chimes in, saying "You're so busy with the car's door that you didn't...

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A guy told me his truck was red. Dog dick red. I said my dog’s dick isn’t red...

He said I wasn’t rubbing it hard enough.

“What has four wheels and flies?”

“A garbage truck”- my grandma every time i see her

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A little boy lived next door to a fire station...

He would watch in awe as the fire trucks left the station with sirens blazing. The kid decided he was going to become a fireman. So he grabbed his radio flyer and stuck a makeshift ladder on it. Then he found a piece of old garden hose. He was well on his way. He remembered his plastic fireman's ha...

What happens when you play a country song backwards?

You get your truck back, your girl back, and your job back.

What did the stop sign say to the pickup truck?

Stop!

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Playing truck driver...nsfw

I ran into a kid sittin’ on the curb.

He would eat an m&m, bite his cat on the ass, and move on down the curb. Eat and m&m, bite his cat on the ass, and move on down the curb.

I said son, “what are you doing?”

He said, “playin truck driver.”

I said, “tru...

A guy was driving his truck and ran it into a woman and killed her ... whose fault was it?

Obviously the man's, he shouldn't have been driving in someone's kitchen.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not av...

Country music is changed forever

Now that a tornado took your house and pickup truck.

bear on cabin

so a man wakes up and goes out to his porch, he freaks out because his sees a bear sitting on top of his cabin. he goes inside and calls animal control. a little while passes and van shows up. Out steps a man and an mean old looking pitbull. the man point out the bear to the animal control guy and h...

You know what they say about guys with big feet?

Also, do you know what they say about guys that drive huge trucks?

Now you know why people are terrified of clowns.

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An old man passed away whilst having sex

When the police asked his wife how it happened, she burst in to tears.

"You see officer, we always have sex at 12 o clock on sunday when the church bells ring"

"But why when the church bells ring?" Asked the officer

"Its the perfect rhythm. At the first chime he thrusts, at the ...

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A truck driver, who's been on the road for two months, walks into a brothel

He slams a thousand dollar note on the receptionist's table and says "Give a cheese sandwich and one of your ugliest women"

The receptionist, quite taken aback, says "Why sir, for that money I could give you a seven course meal and two of our best women"

The truck driver says "Look lad...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

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What do you call a truck full of dildos?

Toys for Twats

Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs.

It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere.

My family’s new truck

I remember once when I was a younger kid living with my parents, my dad gave me some money to go down to the grocery store to pay the electricity bill.

Thinking I was a super lucky kid & kind of smart, I decided to buy scratch-off tickets instead. Surprise, surprise - yeah, none of them w...

A truck carrying cheese crashed on the highway this morning...

De brie was everywhere.

Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”

Man: "Yeah... But she's got a great personality!"

Every week, I'm happy to say that a recycling truck takes my garbage.

But I prefer /r/jokes where trash gets recycled almost every single day.

George and Ted were driving through the countryside when there car broke down.

They went to a nearby farmhouse to call a tow truck. When they knocked on the door, a gorgeous woman answered.

"Can we use your phone?" they asked.

"Yes," said the woman. So George and Ted used the woman's phone to call a tow truck.

The tow truck company told them that it woul...

I go for a run 3 days a week!

I do wish the ice cream truck went down my street more often though.

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Dad sent me to pay the electric bill...

When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especiall...

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So this redneck is walking in the park when he sees his friend Joe.

Joe is crying his eyes out so the redneck walks up and says why are you crying. And Joe is like, my father died. And the redneck starts weeping bitter tears himself and he is like omg I'm so sorry how did he die.

And so Joe says, my father fell asleep on his armchair while the fire in the hea...

What did the frog call when it’s car broke down?

A toad truck!

My 6 year old told me this today and I wanted to share with you guys :)

I drove by a truck carrying canned orange juice and almost got into an accident.

I should have concentrated on the road.

The Angry Vet.

Dr. Ray was about to lock up with he saw an old pick up truck pull into the parking lot. Being a nice vet Dr. Ray waited on the old man to get out of the truck. He started walking up to Dr. Ray's door in that old slow gait, complete with straw hat and overalls.

Dr. Ray sighed as the door open...

A truck driver sees a naked man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and dro...

Why do truck drivers love the 1st day of June?

Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they are embarrassed to show the hose

Damn girl, are you a pickup truck?

Cuz I can't wait to put a load in you then dump you.

got pulled over today for driving a new truck

Cop: License and registration please, who does this truck belong too?



me: The bank they let me drive it whilst paying for it...



he wasn't laughing

A brunette was hopping down a road......

She was singing "26! 26! 26! 26!"

A blonde crosses her path and asks what she's doing

"I'm playing a game!" The brunette replies.
"OOH A GAME! IT LOOKS SO FUN OH MY GOD CAN I PLAY?"
"sure! You just hop down this yellow line and say 26 for every jump!"

The blonde joins the ...

I asked to speak with male pharmacist

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a m...

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