I just bought a rescue dog!

It must have previously been owned by a locksmith, ‘cos when I got home it made a bolt for the door.

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I broke down on the freeway and roadside rescue came and helped me out.. "What's wrong with it? i asked" "Shit in the gas tank" he said..

"How often do i have to do that?" i said..

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Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette...

and every night we go out for a drag.

I rescued a dog that belonged to a blacksmith.

As soon as I brought it home, it made a bolt for the door

A Catholic, a woman of color, a doctor, a Jew, and a rescue dog walk into the White House...

This is where the joke already left.

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The Woman and the Gorilla

A woman once rescued a baby Gorilla from poachers. She was later surprised to find that it could talk. The woman fed it bathed it and raised it. Years passed and the Gorilla grew up to be big and strong. One day the woman saw the gorilla ramming its cock into a tree hollow. Seeing the size of its co...

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calor...

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

Why didn't the lifeguard rescue the hippy?

Because he was too far out man...

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head...

*After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an desert...

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An American, a Russian, and a Chinese

An American, a Russian, and a Chinese each got stranded on an uninhabited island.

Just as they started to lose hope, God visits all three of them. And gave each of them a food supply good for 1 month, a dog and a task. Their task was to make the dog learn how to speak human language when he c...

A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

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A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

What's the best time to rescue a princess?

Knight time!

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

I rescued a penguin that came to shore near home

It must have got caught in a coastal current and ended up at the beach. I was happy to save it but didn't know what to do with it.

Someone suggested I take it to the zoo. I thought that was a great idea, and that's what I did.

A few weeks later the same person saw me at the beach....

I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them

every calculator counts...

Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building.

The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.

The lady says, "The former seems interesti...

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

A woman's dog falls into a river

She screamed for help and a strong Russian man jumped into the river and rescued the dog. After the dog was out, he told the lady to wrap him in towels to keep him warm. The lady asked "are you a vet?" And the Russian man replied "are you insane of course I'm wet."

Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

Because he was faaaaar out maaaaaaan....

2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other:

“Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”

One time I got attacked by a wildebeest, but another wildebeest came to my aid and rescued me.

There's good gnus and bad gnus.

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis. (Kind of long)

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the...

Bear with me

please send a rescue team to the forest now!

Survival tip!

When ever my son goes snowboarding, I make him stuff hotbdogs in his pockets...

So the rescue dogs will find him first!

An employee hadn't showed up for work, and it was getting pretty late.

The boss had a meeting in some time, and this particular employee was supposed to present the pitch to the clients. Ten minutes go by, twenty minutes go by... and there's no sign of the employee.

The boss decided to call him. However, the employee did not answer so the boss tried his wife's ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

Oregon fires trapped cattle on a pot farm...

...the farm made up the majority of the surrounding town’s economy so an unprecedented rescue effort ensued.

Unfortunately, It all burned to the ground and the steaks couldn’t have been higher...

How did I get rich?

Well I was working on my sheep farm. We had just sheared the flock and spun the wool into yarn. As I was dying one skein of yarn green, a lamb wandered over and fell into the tub of dye. By the time I rescued the poor thing, he'd already managed to turn himself completely green.

Well, a littl...

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A man is stranded on a small island. Few days have passed and while waiting for rescue, he starts to miss his wife and yearns for sex.

One day he happens to find a female boar on the island. He can no longer resist his temptation so he plans to let it all out on the boar. However, whenever he tries to make love to it, the boar starts fighting back and runs away. Days gone by and the same thing happens again and again - no matter wh...

I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.

The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knoc...

A blonde forgot car keys in the car.

A few hours later she was rescued by her husband who got her out of the car.

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back an...

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Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for rescued farm animals, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for animals when children in Syria are dying of hunger?

Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for children in Syria, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for children in Syria, when children in our country are dying of hunger?
...

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the Sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flies past him out of cont...

Now that all the Thai boys were rescued, we can now joke about the situation.

But please, don't everybody go at once.

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When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

I heard the FBI and NSA is rejoicing at the rescue of those Thai students.

Now they can go back to monitoring Redditor accounts for "Thai, boys, deep, hole, wet, rubber face mask and sedatives" without all those pesky false positives.

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven and were seeking admission. God Himself decided to hear their appeal from His judgement seat.

The St Bernard said "I was a valued rescue dog and helped find those nuns after the avalanche."

"Fine then, you're in," said God.

The collie said, ...

Al, Ben, and Carl were fishing in the middle of a lake when Al fell overboard.

Ben jumped into the lake to rescue Al. When he finally found Al, he threw the body onto the boat and Carl pulled him up.

As soon as Ben was safely in the boat, he noticed that Al wasn't breathing, so he quickly gave Al mouth-to-mouth.

"Yuck!" said Ben. "I don't remember Al having such ...

Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

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Dave gets shipwrecked and stranded on a small tropical island...

... he sets out to explore his new surroundings, and finds another survivor. It's Taylor Swift. He's a bit star-struck at first, but manages to pull it together enough to help her up off the shore.

He manages to build a hut for shelter, and starts a fire for warmth overnight, and finds edib...

How do you know if your friend's new dog is a rescue?

Don't worry. They'll let you know.

What did Cher say to the orphan pig she rescued?

Babe, I got you babe.

A nice movie

Gf: whatcha doing?

Me:I'm seeing a movie right now.

Gf:Oh what is it about?

Me:Once upon a time a family is attacked in which the mother dies and son becomes physically disabled and then a few years later his son gets kidnapped and the rest for the movie is about the father over...

The news said that the Thai boys trapped in the cave system had no idea about the world outside following the happenings of the rescue, so I guess you could say that....

They were in the dark about their situation!

Kirk and Spock were trapped on a planet and were waiting for rescue.

Kirk complained to Spock that his legs were getting tired from just standing around.

Spock said "there's a tree right there let's cut it down with our phasers and make a bench."

"You're a genius!" Exclaimed Kirk.

"Nonsense" replied Spock "it's only log-ical"

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Cinderella

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she was having her period and didn’t have any tampons. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin into a tampon. The Godmother says, “Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpk...

The Thai rescue divers were given tight trunks to wear as they maneuvered through the narrow caves

So they wouldn’t Bangkok.

A woman goes to the doctor.

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him a story.


She is recently retired, and last week, she went on a trip to a secluded beach resort. She started hiking on a trail, got lost, and slipped and hurt her ankle. She was quite worried, because it was in a secluded spot and she couldn't mo...

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A man is walking down the street an sees that his favorite brothel is on fire

He selflessly runs into the flames and comes back out with a dwarf sex worker. When asked why he rescued her, he says "I always save a little fellator"

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King Arthur's shortest Knight.

Once there was a man who wanted be a Knight of the Round table. He had all the qualifications, but he was under 3 feet tall. He journeyed to Camelot to gain audience with King Arthur.

When he appeared before the court, all the other knights made fun and heckled him mercilessly. He though...

A man once got locked inside a mailbox. Everyone rushed for his rescue,

Because he was a priority male.

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

My friend was surprised when I said I hadn't heard about the kids in Thailand being rescued

Where have you been? Living in a cave?

Brazil have sent star player Neymar to Thailand to help rescue the young footballers in the cave

...they heard they needed someone to teach them how to dive

I adopted a pet rock from the rescue shelter...

They told me he's had a hard life.

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That Ol' Gloria (NSFW)

Gloria was not a pretty woman. She had never been in love and only rarely had laid with a man. Alone by the time of her 55th birthday, her only accomplishments in life were a storied golf career and her many rescued cats. Sadly, in her misery and depression, Gloria took her own life. Written in her ...

An Asian, an European and an American is stranded on an island after surviving a sinking ship accident.

They now want to start a new society, at least until they're rescued.

The American decides to be the minister of building and construction and the European takes the position as the minister of food and cooking.

Left over, the Asian is now pretty disappointed that they can't find any m...

Retired Preacher man Sits on his sofa....

And he sees on the news channel there's a massive storm and flash floods coming.. news channel says to evacuate but he's stays put...
The Rain begins and so the flood waters rise.. his sofa starts to float .. so he climbs out onto the window ledge and a rescue boat comes along..

" *Jump ...

German ocean rescue radio headquarter

*A call comes to the radio*

"German Ocean Rescue, what is your problem?"
"Help, we are sinking, we are sinking!"
"What are you sinking about?"

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It is taking much longer to rescue the boys trapped in the Thai cave.

All the diving experts are participating in the World Cup in Russia.

Rescue attempts are being made to save a bull stranded on Mt. Everest

Reports confirm that the steaks have never been higher.

When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there’s definitely gonna be a movie. There’s a ex US Navy Seal helping. They’re gonna make the movie all about him

and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys.

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

What did the Thai soccer player say to the rescue diver?

I didn't want to follow the coach but I eventually caved in

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

Yeah, it's cool that the Thai kids were rescued.

They’re just not as entertaining as they were when they first got trapped and not too many people knew them. I guess you could say I liked them more when they were underground.

I heard the last two kids rescued raced eachother to the end of the cave...

Rescuers reported the race ended in a Thai.

A communist kidnaps a billionaire.

A communist extremist captures and kidnaps a well known billionaire. Several rescue operations and search missions took place, but they could not find the billionaire. Eventually however, the communist was caught, and arrested. In order to help find the billionaire, the communist was interrogated. <...

They’ve written a sequel to The Martian where a hundred rescuers attempt to rescue a stranded man on mars, only to fail.

It’s title.

101 Dull Martians

A man is sitting on top of his house during a flood while the water is slowly rising.

He waits and waits until a man in a canoe approaches him.

“Would you like me to bring you to safety sir?”

“No, god will save me.”

The man in the canoe leaves. 3 hours later, a rescue team approaches him.

“Would you like me to escort you to a safer area sir?”

“No, g...

A town floods and there is a religious man stuck on his ceiling.

On the first day a boat with other civilians passes by and asks if they want to go with them to safety. The man replies with “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day firefighters come by in a rescue boat and asks the man if he wants help. He again replies “God will supply me and be my sav...

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The Royal Newspaper

The Queen was overjoyed to receive a new royal pet, a tiny Siamese kitten. But one day, the kitten simply disappeared and servants searching high and low could not find her.

One servant thought he heard a scratching noise behind a small mouse hole in the wall, so the King ordered the hole to...

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.

They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years...

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

American, Frenchman, and a Russian Desert Genie

I searched and found this one only posted once and I think the punchline lacked compared to the way my Russian professor told it.

A Frenchman, an American, and a Russian find themselves lost in the desert with no hope of rescue. One of them spots a glimmer in the distance and they all rush to...

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A man gets rescued after spending his whole life on a desert island.

(this one is very long, be warned)

He was stranded on the island as a little boy, he knows how to speak but he knows nothing about the wonders of the modern world. Him and his family were thought to have perished in a freak yacht accident, nobody ever found the yacht. He somehow managed to su...

A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.

A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin s...

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I adopted a rescue dog early this morning...

But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is bullshit.

Religion in a nutshell.

A ship, sailing past a small island spots a man who'd been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices 3 huts.

"What's the first hut?" He asks.

"Oh, that's my home." The man answers.

"What's the second hut?" The captain asks.

"O...

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

I was just reading up on how they rescued the Chilean miners

most of it was just boring.

Trump and Hillary fall into the water. Who will be rescued?

America.

A guy rescued a genie.

To return the favor, the genie offered him a wish: he could have unlimited money, or unlimited wisdom. The man chose the latter. A few days passed by, his friend came to visit him, finding him crying very fiercely and screaming the sentence: "I should have chosen the money."

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

I hate people who phone me up complaining about the state of the weather..

That's why i lost my job with the mountain rescue team..

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Dam Buster?

Theres an old village in a valley some where with a Dam at one end.

One day theres an earthquake and a crack appears in the dam and the village starts to slowly flood.

The emergency services and army are called and the village is cleared, other than the village church where the priest ...

One knight a king, a queen, and a dog sailed on a boat. The queen and king fell off and drowned. The dog tried to rescue them but was eaten by a shark. Who survived?

The knight.

(It's a better oral joke since knight and night are interchangeable)

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana?

Because he was in a wheelchair.

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Rescued a woman

I was telling my friend about a woman I saved from the train tracks one night. She was so grateful that we had sex all night. "Did she give you a blowjob?" he asked me. "Can't say she did" I told him, "I never found the head"

The prince, after a long and arduous battle, slew the dragon. He then ascends the mountain to an ominous castle holding the damsel. The prince makes his way to her room to rescue her. He enters and asks

What's your wifi password?

I was driving along and saw a suitcase on the side of the road, so I pulled over to investigate.

When I opened it up I saw a family of badgers.

I immediately pulled my phone out and rang the Animal Rescue number.

"Hi, I've just found a family of badgers in a suitcase."

“Are they alive?"

"No idea, I'm not a vet."

"Well are they moving?"

"Oh yeah, good po...

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An American, a British and a French woman were asked what they would do if they ended up on an island with five sex starved men.

The American woman answered, ‘I would try to find somewhere to hide. Then I would try to send some kind of a signal to a passing ship, so they could come and rescue me.’
The British woman answered, ‘I would find the strongest man, shack up with him and get him to protect me from the other four.’<...

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

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So a Cruise Ship Sinks...

So a cruise ship sinks in the middle of the pacific and three guys find themselves stranded on a desert island after being adrift in a life raft for a week.

After being on the island for a couple days a plane flies overhead and sees their SOS on the beach. With their supplies almost exhauste...

So a man who had been stranded on an island 7 years was finally rescued...

as the ship was pulling away from the island one of his rescuers was looking back at the island and noticed three huts on the beach. Curious, he asked the castaway what they were for. "Well" he replied "the first one there was my house and that one over there is my church" "and the other?" asked the...

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A man and wife and the captain of a small charter boat capsized and ended up stranded on a deserted island.

It was a very small island with one solitary palm tree.Each day the captain and the husband of the wife would take turns climbing the tree to look for rescue vessels.This went on for days then weeks.The captain was starting to get restless and horny so he came up with a plan.He was high up in the tr...

Early one morning, late one night

two dead men came out to fight

back to back they faced each-other, drew their swords and shot each-other

A deaf policeman heard the noise, came to rescue the two dead boys

If you don't believe this story it's true, ask the blind man he saw it too

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

Ten bad Reddit jokes are on a bus...

The bus goes careening off of a cliff, rolls down an embankment and bursts in to flames at the bottom. When rescue crews arrive, they heroically save nine of the jokes. Unfortunately, there was one pun in ten dead.

Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children

Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.

A few mon...

Three married businessmen meet for their annual camping trip.

As they see each other only this time of the year, they have a lot to talk about. On their last day in the woods, the men decide to go for a little walk. Suddenly, they hear someone whimper. They follow the noise to a well and with combined efforts, they rescue a little fairy from its ground.
...

A woman sat on the roof of her house as the flood waters rose around her.

A man in a small motor boat pulled up and said, "Come on! We've got to go!" She replied, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the Lord to save me."

Not long after that, a helicopter hovered overhead and a rescue worker repelled down to try and save her. She said, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the L...

Fella rescued a damsel in distress.

Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized...

¾ of the A-Team have just launched a valiant rescue mission

I heard they were just trying to save Face after their last failure, though.

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