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Rescue Jokes

Daddy to the rescue

At a religious school, a teacher asks her pre-school class which part of their body they think goes to Heaven first.

“I think it’s your hands!” a boy answers.

“Why is that?” the teacher asks.

“Because when you pray, you put your hands in front of you,” the boy explains.

“...

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The Rescue

One day a horse and a chicken are in the field when the horse falls into a very deep mud puddle and sinks all the way up to his chin and is about to drown. He yells to the chicken "Help me help me quick - go to the farmers car and get the rope and come here as quick as you can!!"

The chicke...

How do you rescue a dying monitor?

With a screen saver

What's the best time to rescue a princess?

Knight time!

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette

...and every night we go out for a drag.

Biker rescue

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was ...

I rescued a dog that belonged to a blacksmith.

As soon as I brought it home, it made a bolt for the door

A Jewish man is stranded on an island for 20 years

He is finally rescued by a team, and he insists on showing them the life he’s built for himself there. They come across a small clearing with a bunch of makeshift buildings.

He points to the closest one, “That’s my home.” He continues to point to the other buildings as they walk by.

“T...

Why did the lifeguard fail to rescue the hippie drowning in the ocean?

Because he was too far out, man.

Therapy dog to the rescue

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, t...

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back an...

My girlfriend's fantasy is to be rescued by a man in uniform.

At least that's what I told the onlookers as she yelled "I don't know this man! Call the police!"

I just bought a rescue dog!

It must have previously been owned by a locksmith, ‘cos when I got home it made a bolt for the door.

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

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Rescued at last...

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for years before he is found. On the helicopter ride back to civilization, a rescuer asks him where he wants to go first.
The man says, "After all this time, there is only one thing I want. A woman!"
The rescuer responds, "The best I can do it t...

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

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When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

2 hunters are lost in the woods...

After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says, "I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue", so they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're ...

Everyone clapped when the boy was rescued from the well.

But I'm waiting to see if he found my phone.

A lifeguard rescues a drowning man

Grateful, the man offers him an award. He reaches in a flask and pours out some goop.

"Thank you but what is this?"

"Your whale cum."

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

German ocean rescue radio headquarter

*A call comes to the radio*

"German Ocean Rescue, what is your problem?"
"Help, we are sinking, we are sinking!"
"What are you sinking about?"

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to ...

Liam Neeson will star in a new thriller where he rescues the wrong woman

the film will be titled "Mistaken"

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head...

*After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an desert...

My friend went missing after he set out to summit Mount Everest

After days of extensive search rescue workers found Himalayan dead in the snow.

A word of warning if you are thinking of getting a rescue cat.

My nan had a rescue cat. The other day she slipped and fell over.

The so called "rescue" cat just sat there and did nothing !

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A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer

...he is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of Whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman rep...

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

Rescue attempts are being made to save a bull stranded on Mt. Everest

Reports confirm that the steaks have never been higher.

I adopted a pet rock from the rescue shelter...

They told me he's had a hard life.

A man hurries into the bedroom.

He yells: "Quickly, Emma! Put your clothes on! We need to leave, the house is on fire!"

A muffled voice can be heard from the armoire: "Rescue the furniture! Rescue the damn furniture!"

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Rescued a woman

I was telling my friend about a woman I saved from the train tracks one night. She was so grateful that we had sex all night. "Did she give you a blowjob?" he asked me. "Can't say she did" I told him, "I never found the head"

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

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Island Rescue

A man, a pig, and a dog are stranded on an island. Over the next few weeks the man grows increasingly horny, and decides to fuck the pig. However, every time the man drops his pants, the dog begins to growl and become very aggressive. Frustrated, he gives up.

One day the man sees something fl...

Once upon a time, Spanish galleon was sent to rescue some farmers and their cows in a settlement...

...they arrived on schedule and picked up the farmers and their cows, which took up half of the cargo hold. As the journey continued, they miked the cows, eventually filling up the remainder of the hold with various dairy products.

Finally, they reached their destination, but before they wer...

The Tale Of The Faithful Man And The Rescue Boat

Once there was a boat sailing not too far from the shore of a town, when it capsized.

A rescue boat was sent out imediatly, but there was only room on board for half of the survivors. The coastguards descided to fill the boat up and then come back after for the remaining passengers, so they g...

I was taught to always follow my dreams no matter what.

So now I just need to rescue my boss’s wooden horse from the pool that’s filled with spaghetti before the Egyptian soccer team gets back from practice.
“Rachel from middle school? What are you doing here?”

A guy rescued a genie.

To return the favor, the genie offered him a wish: he could have unlimited money, or unlimited wisdom. The man chose the latter. A few days passed by, his friend came to visit him, finding him crying very fiercely and screaming the sentence: "I should have chosen the money."

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I adopted a rescue dog early this morning...

But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is bullshit.

Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building.

The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.

The lady says, "The former seems interesti...

I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them

every calculator counts...

What did Cher say to the orphan pig she rescued?

Babe, I got you babe.

Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana?

Because he was in a wheelchair.

How do you know if your friend's new dog is a rescue?

Don't worry. They'll let you know.

A woman goes on a business trip overseas, leaving her husband behind to look after the house and kids.

After a few days she calls up to see how everything is.

"Everything's fine" he says. "The kids are finally sleeping OK without you here, and my boss has given me an extra week off until you're back. Oh! I forgot to say, the cat's dead! She was hit by a car!"

"What!?" Says the wife. "A...

I rescued a penguin that came to shore near home

It must have got caught in a coastal current and ended up at the beach. I was happy to save it but didn't know what to do with it.

Someone suggested I take it to the zoo. I thought that was a great idea, and that's what I did.

A few weeks later the same person saw me at the beach....

I heard the FBI and NSA is rejoicing at the rescue of those Thai students.

Now they can go back to monitoring Redditor accounts for "Thai, boys, deep, hole, wet, rubber face mask and sedatives" without all those pesky false positives.

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A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.

He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.

The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approa...

Fella rescued a damsel in distress.

Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized...

I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...

As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"

So I started smiling...

Queen farts

The Dutch Queen is in an elevator with three diplomats from France, Italy and Spain.

Suddenly, she farts loudly. At first, everyone is confused, but the French representative quickly comes to his senses, comes to her rescue and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry, that was me".

They don't even tra...

What did the Thai soccer player say to the rescue diver?

I didn't want to follow the coach but I eventually caved in

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

A man once got locked inside a mailbox. Everyone rushed for his rescue,

Because he was a priority male.

Now that all the Thai boys were rescued, we can now joke about the situation.

But please, don't everybody go at once.

Ollie saw his mother naked one day

Ollie saw his mother naked one day and discovered that she didn’t have the same toolset down there that he did.

He asked his father about it and perhaps not being the best of fathers, his father answered: No she doesn’t have a pee-pee but sometimes I give her mine and she really likes it. ...

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Oh, April!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and ...

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I broke down on the freeway and roadside rescue came and helped me out.. "What's wrong with it? i asked" "Shit in the gas tank" he said..

"How often do i have to do that?" i said..

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A shepherd rescues a beautiful woman from falling off a cliff in far away mountains.

With much gratitude, she says, "Wow, you saved my life so bravely and selflessly. Just ask, and I'd do anything for you."

The shepherd ask slyly, "Anything?"

"Anything, my dear", she replies seductively.

The shepherd points to a nearby sheep and goes, "Can ya' hold this bitches'...

A Catholic, a woman of color, a doctor, a Jew, and a rescue dog walk into the White House...

This is where the joke already left.

I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.

The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knoc...

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It is taking much longer to rescue the boys trapped in the Thai cave.

All the diving experts are participating in the World Cup in Russia.

Trump and Hillary fall into the water. Who will be rescued?

America.

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Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for rescued farm animals, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for animals when children in Syria are dying of hunger?

Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for children in Syria, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for children in Syria, when children in our country are dying of hunger?
...

My friend was surprised when I said I hadn't heard about the kids in Thailand being rescued

Where have you been? Living in a cave?

Brazil have sent star player Neymar to Thailand to help rescue the young footballers in the cave

...they heard they needed someone to teach them how to dive

I was just reading up on how they rescued the Chilean miners

most of it was just boring.

A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man who’s been stranded there for several years.

The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts…

“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.

“That’s my house,” says the castaway.

“What’s the second hut for?”

“That’s my church.”

“And the third hut?”

“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s ...

Fillet - o - friend

In 1874, Alfred Packer and his party were caught in a snowstorm in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. When he was finally rescued, the rest of the party was dead. Packer was found to have dined on "fillet of friend". At the murder trial - before Packer was found guilty - the judge reportedly yelled at hi...

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A man gets rescued after spending his whole life on a desert island.

(this one is very long, be warned)

He was stranded on the island as a little boy, he knows how to speak but he knows nothing about the wonders of the modern world. Him and his family were thought to have perished in a freak yacht accident, nobody ever found the yacht. He somehow managed to su...

The priest and the sinking ship

A ship is sinking and the passengers are rushing to rescue boats to leave the shipwreck. On the ship there is a priest who refuses to get on the boats.



The lifeguard says "get on the boat priest, we have to go".


The priest says "No, god will save me, give my seat to someone...

Peter Berg has decided to adapt the Thai boys rescue effort as a movie .

Mark Wahlberg will play one of the divers .

Scarlett Johansson will be one of the Thai boys.

And Kim Kardashian will play the role of the cave .

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

One time I got attacked by a wildebeest, but another wildebeest came to my aid and rescued me.

There's good gnus and bad gnus.

TIFU: My uniform fetish has been escalating to unhealthy levels. Today I set the apartment on fire just so I could call 911, and I didn't realize my girlfriend was still inside.

Don't worry. I came to her rescue.

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

A marooned Baptist is rescued by a ship.

A Baptist has been stranded on a deserted island for two years. Upon being rescued, a sailor asks: "You survived. Remarkable. How did you do it?"

The Protestant says, "By the grace of God. Come, let me show you where I lived." So the sailors and the castaway retreat into the jungle. ...

I heard the last two kids rescued raced eachother to the end of the cave...

Rescuers reported the race ended in a Thai.

¾ of the A-Team have just launched a valiant rescue mission

I heard they were just trying to save Face after their last failure, though.

A plane crashed upon an uninhabited island.

Two survivors: a regular guy and Scarlett Johansson. Well, the two have built a hut while waiting for rescue, got enough to eat for now. A few weeks pass, they get lonely so they enter a relationship.

A couple more months pass, and Scarlett notices the guy become really brooding.

\- Wh...

The Thai rescue divers were given tight trunks to wear as they maneuvered through the narrow caves

So they wouldn’t Bangkok.

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Priest, nun, camel, laugh.

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being r...

A plane carrying picnic baskets has crashed in the jungle

Rescue attempts are being hampered

A wealthy man walks into a bar...

*I've seen a joke here about a man with* ***a head the size of an orange*** *which is an absurdist response to an old dirty joke. I'm not sure everyone knows the original. I'll put the anti-joke version in the comments.*

\--------------

A wealthy man walks into a bar. He is clearly ric...

A mother-in-law doesn't trust her sons-in-law...

...so she decides to test them.

First, she goes to the oldest's house. She jumps into a well, but her son-in-law rescues her promptly. The next morning, the oldest son-in-law finds a brand new Suzuki in front of his house with a little note: "Lots of love, your mother-in-law".

The next...

So I work for a local search and rescue team in my small town, and this guy from the big city decides to come do some kayaking on the river.

He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.


The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a ...

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

The fireman climbs the ladder to a bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette.

\`Ah,\` he says, \`you’re the second pregnant girl I’ve rescued this year.\`


\`But I’m not pregnant!\`

\`You’re not rescued yet.\`

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Little Billy came home from school one day...

He asks his mother "Mom, what is a blowjob?"

She stammers, and a look of terror washes over her face as she tries to think of an appropriate response.
Overhearing this, Dad heroically swoops in to her rescue..

"Little Billy, she doesn't know."

Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon

As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of dis...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

They’ve written a sequel to The Martian where a hundred rescuers attempt to rescue a stranded man on mars, only to fail.

It’s title.

101 Dull Martians

A ship was sinking...

The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".

A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he co...

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Perspective

Three children are playing football in a park. Out of nowhere a large dog runs over to the group and attacks one of them unprovoked.

One of the other children tries to help his friend and kicks the dog in the head, killing it instantly.

A reporter who happened to be passing comes racin...

The Hiker With the Exotic Appetite

A middle-aged man got lost while hiking in the Sierra Mountains. Rescue calls went out and three days later a National Park ranger located him.

As he approached the hiker, the ranger noticed a campfire pit and the charred remains of a large bird. “Is that a California Condor”, asked the...

The news said that the Thai boys trapped in the cave system had no idea about the world outside following the happenings of the rescue, so I guess you could say that....

They were in the dark about their situation!

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An old man walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball.

"I have to ask, sir," says the bartender. "Without sounding rude, what happened to your head?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me a...

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A Hispanic man, a European man, and an Asian man are put on a deserted island

They are told that they will be rescued in 24 hours, provided they have proved their survival skills.
The Hispanic man is in charge of building a shelter, the European man is in charge of finding food, and the Asian man is in charge of finding supplies.
The three men go their separate ways to ...

An old lady decides to check on his 3 son-in-laws

She wanted to see who respects/cares for her the most. She goes to the lake near the eldest son-in-laws place and jumps. The son-in-law dives in and rescues her. Next day, he sees a toyota corolla parked in front of his house with a letter -- Thanks from your Mother-in-law.


Then she goes ...

A ship's captain out at sea notices smoke on the horizon...

...he orders the ship to head towards the smoke. As the ship gets closer to the source of the smoke, the captain can see through his binoculars a deserted island with three huts and a man waving his arms to be rescued.

The ship sends a small boat to the island which returns with the man grat...

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A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half a...

Moses

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the ...

There once lived a homeless man

The homeless man is wandering about a riverbank one day, when he spots a young woman whose tripped and fell into the river.

Being the kind soul he is, he doesn't hesitate to jump in and rescue her.

All is well, as he managed to save her from drowning.

Suddenly, the richest man ...

Four college friends, teammates on the school's Rowing team, take a trip to Patagonia on Spring Break and get lost for a couple weeks.

Having brought food enough for only five days, they were soon forced to butcher and eat their alpaca, who they'd used to carry some of their gear.

That gave them enough food for a while, but even that eventually wore thin, until they were down to just the pack-animal's tongue, lips, and face...

Diving trip goes bad...

A husband and wife are out diving one day in deep open waters when they became separated.
The husband in panic swam and dove as long as he could in an attempt to find his wife,before he eventually ran out of air. He made it back home and alerted the authorities.
A rescue party was sent out, wi...

I took my son to the fair on the weekend…

…and we we’re having a great time. At least we were until I let him go in to see the palm reader. When he came out he was sad and when I asked what happened, he said “She told me that in 15 years I would have one of the worst days of my life after a loss.”

Being the great dad I am, on the way...

There was this old man

Sitting on his porch watching the rain fall pretty hard. Soon the water was coming over the porch and overflowing into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replie...

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One day a very religious man is praying at home when suddenly a tsunami hits.

He climbs to the roof of his house to avoid the flood and starts praying to God to save him.

"Oh God, I've worshipped you all my life, I'm not ready to die. Please save me from this flood"

After a few minutes of this, a guy on a rowing boat see's the man in distress and calls out
...

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction....

... and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the cr...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing golf...

And they were having a hard time because they were constantly being distracted and disrupted by another group of golfers who were playing very badly.

"Why are they even being allowed to golf here?" the doctor asked their caddie.

"Well," said the caddie, " They used to be firefighters....

A man is stuck in a Flood and turns to God

As the flood waters rose, a man was on the porch of his house and prayed that God would save him from drowning in the flood. Just then, another man came by in a row boat. The man in the boat invited the other man to get in, and he'd save him. The man on the porch said, "No, thanks, I'm waiting for G...

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