A flight dispatcher

Watches a plane somehow manage to spin on the tarmac and land tail end forwards. Fight tango victor foxtrot, what the hell is going on? He shouts into the microphone, let me speak to the captain!

The c....c.... captain is drunk, comes the reply.

Then give me the second pilot.

He...

What did the dispatcher say after he received a call about two men sucking each other off on a bus?

I’ve got reports of two men exchanging blows

What did the police dispatcher say when a short psychic woman escaped from prison?

Calling all units, we have a small medium at large

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She frantically telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasts the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of th...

An old lady calls 911 late one night...

So an old lady calls 911 late one night. The dispatcher answers "911, what is your emergency?"

"There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed."

"A breaking and entering? We'll have an officer over in an hour."

"An hour? But they won't be here in an hour. They're breaking ...

I worked as an Emergency Dispatcher, and Im happy to announce

911 was an inside job!

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

Two men were hiking in the woods when one of the guys faint

His buddy calls 911 and says "My friend just died, what should I do?!"

The dispatcher says : " Stay calm and I am calling help right now. First we have to make sure your friend is dead." And the line suddenly becomes silent. The dispatcher continues to ask "Hello, are you still there?"
...

A guy calls the police to report that someone broke into his house and stole his toilet.

The dispatcher asks him "Do you know who did this?" The guy says no. Dispatcher asks "What did they look like?" Guy says he doesn't know, he wasn't home. Dispatcher asks "When did this happen?" The guy says "I don't know, I just got back from a month long sabbatical an hour ago. It was gone when I g...

An elderly woman called 911...

An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"

The dispatcher responds that an officer is o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman frantically calls 9-1-1 and says, "There's a Democrat jerking off on my lawn!"

The dispatcher says, "OK ma'am, I've got a squad car on the way ... but tell me, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

She says, "Well if he was a Republican, wouldn't he be fucking someone?"

*(rearrange political parties to your own preference)*

I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.

“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be ...

Hello 911, I need your help!

Dispatcher: OK what is it sir?

Me: Two girls are fighting over me...

Dispatcher: So, what's your emergency

Me: The ugly one is winning!!!

Dispatcher: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The high-speed Prius.

There is a broken Toyota Prius on the side of an American highway.

Suddenly, a Bugatti driver pulls up next to the Prius and offers to tow the hybrid to the nearest repair shop. The Toyota owner agrees. They also agree on that the Prius driver will flash his high beams when he'll want to slow...

A very rich, materialistic man is sitting and thinking.

He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.

He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini Huracan. Then, he spends the ...

An elderly couple...

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.

Then they heard voices.

Three men had broken into the greenhouse.

Scared, they called the police.

The dispatcher replied, he would send ...

A man called the police to report a burglar

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. "Hi. I called earlier about the burgla...

A man phones 999...

And shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

The blonde girl panicked when she got stuck inside her car as her doors wouldn't open.

She quickly dialed 911 and cried, "I'm in the Orlando Mall parking lot, my doors won't open and its getting to be a hot day!"

The dispatcher sent a squad car and soon the police were searching about the parking lot looking for her car.

The operator asked, "The officer wants to know wha...

Dumb blonde

A dumb blonde calls the fire department because her home is on fire.

"Help me, help me! My house is on fire!" she says.

"Ok, how do we get to your home". replies the dispatcher.

"DUH! Big red truck!"

Give basic jobs complicated job titles

Job listings like to give even the basic jobs some complicated job titles.

So for example:

Cashier = Customer Transaction Specialist

Janitor = Sanitation Engineer

Dishwasher = Utensil Sterilizer

Waiter = Customer Request Dispatcher

Can you think of other ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends went on a hike...

when suddenly one of the friends needed to go pee.

While he was peeing a snake jumped out and bit the guy on the penis. He called his friend to come and help.

They two friends did not know what to do so they called 911.

The 911 dispatcher explained that the helicopter was on ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Mexicans riding a bicycle

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if th...

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed...

Three guys talking in a bar ...

Their names are Somebody, Nobody, and Crazy. All three are having a political discussion and things start to heat up between Somebody and Nobody. Crazy fails to calm them down. Then this escalate and Nobody picks up a bottle and smashes it in the table then holds the broken bottle up to somebody's n...

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