If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

What do my hentai-driven auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish and an artichoke have in common?

One's an art I choke to. The other's an artichoke, too.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto

The local police did NOT appreciate that

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow, so they decided to enter an auto race.

In lieu of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail. When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.

The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

I try to get as many stars in Grand Theft Auto as possible.

That way for once i will feel wanted.

I could talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation until I'm blue in the face.

It's to die for.

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

The man who invented auto-correct has died.

His funfair is on sundial at moon

[At auto store] Salesman: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 brand new tires?

Me: Sir, you are really overestimating my strength.

I hear the inventor of auto correct died

I didn't even know he was I'll

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

The man that invented auto correct

should burn in hello.

Play a real life version of 'Grand Theft Auto'

By spending the day in Manchester.

Auto Correct

Text to Neighbor:



Hi Fred, this Richard next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. at least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer ...

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

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Seeing someone struggle with auto-eroctic asphyxiation is confusing

I can never tell If there cuming or going.

My friend is so stupid

I took a cab to his house and he was all worried I was going to get the coronavirus. I told him not to worry. I have auto immune disease.

Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome

John: I didn't even know I was I'll

We'll we'll we'll,

if it isn't autocorrect

15 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/...

What do you call it when lightning mcqueen eats a car?

Auto cannibalism

To the person who made auto correct

Restaurant in piece

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for m Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

Did you hear about the auto-correct programmer who lost his job?

He was fried.

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

Went to an auto-cannibalism restaurant the other day.

Cost an arm and a leg

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best April Fools

A long time ago, before work, I drove through the shittiest neighborhood I could find, looking for broken auto glass. I found a pile from some unfortunate soul that had their car broken into and scooped it all up.

After settling in at work, I asked to borrow my boss's keys for access to the s...

I was going to tell a joke about auto erotic asphixiation.

But i wouldn't hold my breath.

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

TIFU by getting into the wrong car after the European Auto Show.

whoops, wrong Saab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into an auto-parts store...

He approaches the customer service counter and is greeted by a young, attractive female with golden blonde hair.

He says "I didn't expect to see such a young beautiful woman in a shop like this...what's your name?"

She points to her name-tag, and with a cute smile replies "Carmen. I c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having sex with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly...

I can teach him about these for free.

When you turn off auto correct

ALL LOPE IS HOST!

That Darned Auto-Correct

A man sends a text to his next-door neighbor: “Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt for some time & I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any...

What’d they call the movie about auto erotic asphyxiation?

Die Hard

[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]

MECHANIC: Can I help you?

ME: My car won't start

MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle

ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?

Dirty Penguin

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides t...

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a auto worker?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized."

You know, I’m into auto erotic asphyxiation, but there is one downside.

You can never really tell if your coming or going.

Why did Chief Auto Parts change the company's name?

Injun trouble

I really hate auto correct.

It's become my worst enema.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

You know, considering how dangerous autoerotic asphyxiation is...

Partakers never know whether they're coming or going!

Auto-correct walks into a bar...

And the batman says, 'why the log fence?'

We’ll we’ll we’ll

If it isn’t autocorrect.

God damn auto correct...

Always making me say things I didn't Nintendo

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolv...

Auto-correct is so crazy now a days...

My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

Penguin is having some car trouble so he drops it off at the auto repair shop

Mechanic tells him it might take a while, so the penguin goes down the street to the ice cream shop to pass the time.

When he returns to the repair shop, the mechanic comes out and says, "It looks like you just blew a seal."

The penguin gets an initial horrified look on his face and ...

Guy goes to a shrink

What seems to be the problem?

The guy says, I keep having this recurring dream I’m an auto mechanic


The shrink says, OK get under the couch

Jaguar just announced an XK-E Concept car they will show at the Frankfurt Auto Show this year.

They had been working on it for 10 years but they only recently figured out how to make it leak oil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the state of being sexually attracted to your own behind?

Auto-erotic ass-fixation.

A penguin takes his car to the auto shop...

The mechanic tells him its gonna be about a half hour, so he decides to go next door and get an ice cream to kill some time.

He goes next door and orders a vanilla ice cream in a cone. Since he only has flippers he finds it difficult to eat the ice cream and gets it all over his beak.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the proctologist have his cars towed to the auto repair shop?

He rectum.

The person who wrote the auto-correct logic was killed in a bizarre farming accident.

Rest in Pieces!

My computer auto-corrected "illegal immigrant" to "undocumented person."

It's a PC PC.

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

Auto-cannibalists come off as way too prideful.

They're so full of themselves.

The creator of auto-correct died recently

May he restraunt in peice

GRAND THEFT AUTO

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

How do you steal a Tesla?

Put it on auto-pirate.

The inventor of autocorrect died today

His funfair will be hello on sundial

Blonde Auto Repair...

A blonde was driving to the mall (of course!) when she got caught in a sudden hailstorm with hail the size of golf balls. Her car was ruined. She took it to a body shop and asked the appraiser, "How much to fix it?" The appraiser's answer was $5,000. The fair-hair girl exclaims, "Wow! That much? Isn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

Why is everyone always late to Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Anonymous meetings?

Because they're all tied up, but coming soon.

What would you have if all autos in the US were painted pink?

A Pink Car Nation!

A gynecologist decides to retrain as an auto mechanic

He goes to a technical school and learns how to fix cars. The final exam is to take a working engine, take it apart and reassemble it in working order.

After completing the test, he gets the results in the mail: he scored 150 out of 100 points. He calls his instructor to make sure there wasn...

Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts?

Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.

One day an auto mechanic was working under a car...

and some brake fluid accidentally dripped into his mouth.

"Wow," he thought to himself. "That stuff tastes good!"

The next day he told a friend about his amazing discovery.

"It's really good," he said. "I think I'll have a little more today."

His friend was concerned ...

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