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Auto Jokes

Auto

John: "My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
Dave: "Really? What did he get?"
John: "Fifteen years."

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

I wish the auto manufacturers would make up their minds.

I was behind a van that said Dodge on the back of it then a truck that was marked Ram. What do they want us to do? Avoid them or hit them?

What's the difference between my hentai-driven auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish and an artichoke?

Nothing. One's an art I choke to, and the other's an artichoke, too.

Why did Walter White go to the auto repair shop?

Because he was Braking Bad.

I went into the Auto Parts store

I said:

"I want a new gas cap for my AMC Gremlin."

The owner said:

"Sounds like a fair trade."

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died.

Condiments are roaring in.

* He will be mist
* He was a very general food man
* He was killed in four luggages
* He is in a wetter place
* Paying for his knife and Emily
* Send flours and dalmations to---
* May he roast in piece
...

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

The inventor of auto correct died today.

His fun fair is next monkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What if iPhones auto-corrected duck instead of f*ck?

"I went to the park and fed some fucks by the pond today."

Paddy and Molly have been at the bar all evening…

…and they decide it’s time to go home. So they get in the auto and start the drive home.

After a few miles, Paddy notices the garda’s lights flashing in his mirrors, and he pulls over. The warden walks up as Paddy rolls his window down, and the warden says, “Good evening, Paddy. Have ya ha...

Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that... car go road.”

What is the difference between a furry and a person selling extended auto warranties?

Furries never bothered anyone.

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car.

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car. The car was totaled. Fred was fine.


The next week, Fred was on his motorcycle when a car pulled out in front of him. The car was totaled. Fred was fine.


The next week, Fred was crossing the street when a car hi...

The inventor of auto-correct has died

his funnel is tomato

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

Why do orphans play Grand Theft Auto

So they can be wanted.

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

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Tired

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks on the front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding...

An old farmer calls into the town sheriff to report an auto accident he happened upon out on a county road near his farm.

By the time the sheriff makes it out to the farmer's property he sees the car in the ditch, but no one else but the farmer climbing down off his backhoe.

"What happened to the occupant or occupants of the car."

"Oh them? I buried 'em. All 4 of them."

"Doesn't look like much dama...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

Why is auto insurance so high for lap dancers?

Because of the high risk of being rear-ended.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the automobile told him: “Give me $10,000 cash or I’ll beat you to a pulp.”

The old man says: “Hang on, I don’t have that much cash. Let me call my son who trains dolphins.”

Old man rings his son, but before he gets to speak, the car owner grabs the phone from him and tell...

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in

Hello

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

Why doesn't the Reddit app auto-rotate from portrait to landscape?

So you can still use it while you lay sobbing in the fetal position.

We'll we'll we'll

If it isn't auto correct

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into an auto shop.

He walks straight up to the front desk and says, “Listen, I need some repairs, but I’ve got a really suped up, high powered, custom car, so I don’t know if you’ll be able to handle it.”
The employee says, “I can see if it’s something we can manage, how many pistons does it have?”
The customer ...

The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow, so they decided to enter an auto race.

In lieu of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail. When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.

The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

Cardiologists and Auto repair man

A car mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Cadillac when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a l...

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

Some one told me to leave my auto correct on

I told them to eat my ash

Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome

John: I didn't even know I was I'll

AutoCAD Conspiracy.

I'm always suspicious of people who use AutoCAD... they always seem to be plotting something.

Freaking auto correct

I got the number of a local artist from one of her works, so I texted her this by accident...



"I want to buy your panties, Leslie."



How embarrassing! Her name is Leela.

Did you hear about the murderer who wrote a really short autobiography in prison?

It was a life sentence

Who drives the ship while all the pirates are pillaging?

No one, they just turn on auto-pirate

Autocorrect

It's become my worst enema

Auto Correct

Text to Neighbor:



Hi Fred, this Richard next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. at least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer ...

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

What does a mustang order at Starbucks?

A Mach-e auto

Told to me by my 10 year old son!

A penguin in the desert

A penguin is driving through the desert when all of the sudden his car starts spewing smoke from under the hood and slows down. He manages to drive it to a small desert town and sees an auto mechanic’s shop and pulls in. The mechanic tells him he’s a little busy but can take a look at his car in a...

I’m so thankful for auto correct

Otherwise I’d be ducking up everything.

Archaeologists have revealed how King Tut died

Records indicate he was found naked, with a rope around his neck.



They determined the cause of death was Auto Erotic A-sphinx-iation.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into an auto-parts store...

He approaches the customer service counter and is greeted by a young, attractive female with golden blonde hair.

He says "I didn't expect to see such a young beautiful woman in a shop like this...what's your name?"

She points to her name-tag, and with a cute smile replies "Carmen. I c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I could make an argument why auto cannibalism is good

But I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

I should really turn off AutoCorrect.

Sometimes it helps, but usually it just ducks me over.

Auto-correct walks into a bar...

And the batman says, 'why the log fence?'

Have you heard about Ford's new electric coffee car?

It's the Mach-E Auto.

I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto

The local police did NOT appreciate that

Huge spike in auto-burglaries where crooks cut openings through top of convertibles.

Police spokesman says this type of crime is “through the roof.”

They say Jesus saves.

I wonder if he uses auto, manual or quick saves.

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.

The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”.

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

I could talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation until I'm blue in the face.

It's to die for.

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

God damn auto correct...

Always making me say things I didn't Nintendo

That Darned Auto-Correct

A man sends a text to his next-door neighbor: “Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt for some time & I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Upvote this if you have a small penis

Damn you auto-upvote!

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a auto worker?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized."

Auto-correct is so crazy now a days...

My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

Dear neighbor, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife for some time now. It's been so good I have not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it's ...

A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

Did you hear about the auto-correct programmer who lost his job?

He was fried.

TIFU by getting into the wrong car after the European Auto Show.

whoops, wrong Saab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

To the person who made auto correct

Restaurant in piece

What’d they call the movie about auto erotic asphyxiation?

Die Hard

Went to an auto-cannibalism restaurant the other day.

Cost an arm and a leg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having sex with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly...

I can teach him about these for free.

You know, I’m into auto erotic asphyxiation, but there is one downside.

You can never really tell if your coming or going.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seeing someone struggle with auto-eroctic asphyxiation is confusing

I can never tell If there cuming or going.

Fast

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. ...

I really hate auto correct.

It's become my worst enema.

[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]

MECHANIC: Can I help you?

ME: My car won't start

MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle

ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?

I don't understand Auto tune

Neither does my mechanic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the proctologist have his cars towed to the auto repair shop?

He rectum.

When you turn off auto correct

ALL LOPE IS HOST!

Three men are on an airplane

One is the pilot. One is an old traveling hippie. And the last one is the world's smartest man.

The engine starts sputtering and the pilot says they're leaking fuel fast, and will crash soon. The pilot puts the plane into auto and tells his two passengers that there are only two parachute pac...

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