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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

All auto-cannibals think about is food

It’s self-consuming

I used to work as a programmer for auto correct.

Then they fried me for no raisin.

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

What's the difference between my hentai-driven auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish and an artichoke?

Nothing.

One's an art I choke to, and the other's an artichoke too.

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow, so they decided to enter an auto race.

In lieu of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail. When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.

The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

Cardiologists and Auto repair man

A car mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Cadillac when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a l...

Huge spike in auto-burglaries where crooks cut openings through top of convertibles.

Police spokesman says this type of crime is “through the roof.”

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

The autobahn is like the alphabet...

...always a VW behind U.

The man who invented auto-correct has died.

His funfair is on sundial at moon

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says f...

I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto

The local police did NOT appreciate that

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis.

He decides to leave the medical profession and become an auto mechanic. He goes to auto mechanic school, and pretty soon it's time for the final exam.
He finishes the exam and is amazed that the instructor has given him a grade of 200. He says to the instructor, "I thought the highest you could s...

I could talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation until I'm blue in the face.

It's to die for.

I hear the inventor of auto correct died

I didn't even know he was I'll

[At auto store] Salesman: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 brand new tires?

Me: Sir, you are really overestimating my strength.

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

The man that invented auto correct

should burn in hello.

A Priest a rabbit and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit,what'll you have?

The rabbit says" I don't know I'm only here because of auto correct".

A penguin is driving his car when it starts making noise . . .

He takes it to the auto shop, the mechanic says it'll take about an hour. So he goes to the ice cream shop across the street. Penguins love ice cream. He comes back and the mechanic says, "it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "No, its just ice cream."

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

Auto Correct

Text to Neighbor:



Hi Fred, this Richard next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. at least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer ...

Play a real life version of 'Grand Theft Auto'

By spending the day in Manchester.

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome

John: I didn't even know I was I'll

I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society!

Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.

(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

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Seeing someone struggle with auto-eroctic asphyxiation is confusing

I can never tell If there cuming or going.

To the person who made auto correct

Restaurant in piece

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for m Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

We'll we'll we'll,

if it isn't autocorrect

Mr Penguin decides to go to the beach...

...as it is a beautiful hot summer day. He packs up the car and drives to the coast. Just before he gets there, the car sputters and backfires, and the engine starts to smoke. He's able to pull into an auto shop, and the mechanic tells him to come back in about 20 minutes.

Mr Penguin decides...

Did you hear about the auto-correct programmer who lost his job?

He was fried.

Went to an auto-cannibalism restaurant the other day.

Cost an arm and a leg

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

I was going to tell a joke about auto erotic asphixiation.

But i wouldn't hold my breath.

TIFU by getting into the wrong car after the European Auto Show.

whoops, wrong Saab

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

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A guy walks into an auto-parts store...

He approaches the customer service counter and is greeted by a young, attractive female with golden blonde hair.

He says "I didn't expect to see such a young beautiful woman in a shop like this...what's your name?"

She points to her name-tag, and with a cute smile replies "Carmen. I c...

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I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having sex with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly...

I can teach him about these for free.

15 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/...

That Darned Auto-Correct

A man sends a text to his next-door neighbor: “Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt for some time & I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any...

When you turn off auto correct

ALL LOPE IS HOST!

My friend is so stupid

I took a cab to his house and he was all worried I was going to get the coronavirus. I told him not to worry. I have auto immune disease.

What do you call it when lightning mcqueen eats a car?

Auto cannibalism

What’d they call the movie about auto erotic asphyxiation?

Die Hard

[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]

MECHANIC: Can I help you?

ME: My car won't start

MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle

ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a auto worker?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized."

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

You know, I’m into auto erotic asphyxiation, but there is one downside.

You can never really tell if your coming or going.

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

How did the auto mechanic pass his class on government?

He had all the right answers “hon da’ civics” exam!

I really hate auto correct.

It's become my worst enema.

Why did Chief Auto Parts change the company's name?

Injun trouble

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

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How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

A man is sent to jail and meets his cell mate...

The cell mate asks him what's he in for and the man replies "grand theft auto." The cell mate chuckles and then yells "twenty seven!!"

All the other prisoners in their other cells all laugh. The man asks what just happened here. The cell mate tells him, "we all just tell the same jokes over a...

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My best April Fools

A long time ago, before work, I drove through the shittiest neighborhood I could find, looking for broken auto glass. I found a pile from some unfortunate soul that had their car broken into and scooped it all up.

After settling in at work, I asked to borrow my boss's keys for access to the s...

Auto-correct walks into a bar...

And the batman says, 'why the log fence?'

The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

God damn auto correct...

Always making me say things I didn't Nintendo

Auto-correct is so crazy now a days...

My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

We’ll we’ll we’ll

If it isn’t autocorrect.

Jaguar just announced an XK-E Concept car they will show at the Frankfurt Auto Show this year.

They had been working on it for 10 years but they only recently figured out how to make it leak oil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the proctologist have his cars towed to the auto repair shop?

He rectum.

Dirty Penguin

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides t...

My computer auto-corrected "illegal immigrant" to "undocumented person."

It's a PC PC.

The person who wrote the auto-correct logic was killed in a bizarre farming accident.

Rest in Pieces!

The creator of auto-correct died recently

May he restraunt in peice

Auto-cannibalists come off as way too prideful.

They're so full of themselves.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

GRAND THEFT AUTO

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolv...

Blonde Auto Repair...

A blonde was driving to the mall (of course!) when she got caught in a sudden hailstorm with hail the size of golf balls. Her car was ruined. She took it to a body shop and asked the appraiser, "How much to fix it?" The appraiser's answer was $5,000. The fair-hair girl exclaims, "Wow! That much? Isn...

Why is everyone always late to Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Anonymous meetings?

Because they're all tied up, but coming soon.

What would you have if all autos in the US were painted pink?

A Pink Car Nation!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the state of being sexually attracted to your own behind?

Auto-erotic ass-fixation.

The inventor of autocorrect died today

His funfair will be hello on sundial

A gynecologist decides to retrain as an auto mechanic

He goes to a technical school and learns how to fix cars. The final exam is to take a working engine, take it apart and reassemble it in working order.

After completing the test, he gets the results in the mail: he scored 150 out of 100 points. He calls his instructor to make sure there wasn...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

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