My roommate is into auto-erotic asphyxiation, but he's also suicidal.

I can never tell if he's coming or going.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

Freaking auto correct

I got the number of a local artist from one of her works, so I texted her this by accident...



"I want to buy your panties, Leslie."



How embarrassing! Her name is Leela.

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.

The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”.

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving

Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.

Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

What's the difference between an artichoke and my hentai-driven auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish?

Nothing. One's an art I choke to, and the other's an artichoke, too.

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

They say Jesus saves.

I wonder if he uses auto, manual or quick saves.

I’m so thankful for auto correct

Otherwise I’d be ducking up everything.

Have you heard about Ford's new electric coffee car?

It's the Mach-E Auto.

All auto-cannibals think about is food

It’s self-consuming

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow, so they decided to enter an auto race.

In lieu of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail. When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.

The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

I used to work as a programmer for auto correct.

Then they fried me for no raisin.

Cardiologists and Auto repair man

A car mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Cadillac when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a l...

I am so sorry Bob

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live wit...

I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.

It was an auto body experience.

Huge spike in auto-burglaries where crooks cut openings through top of convertibles.

Police spokesman says this type of crime is “through the roof.”

The man who invented auto-correct has died.

His funfair is on sundial at moon

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto

The local police did NOT appreciate that

The man that invented auto correct

should burn in hello.

You hear about that mechanic who almost died?

... He had an auto-body experience

I could talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation until I'm blue in the face.

It's to die for.

[At auto store] Salesman: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 brand new tires?

Me: Sir, you are really overestimating my strength.

What do you call a guy sitting by the river with his pole and some string?

Fishing Rod

What do you call a guy sitting in the closest with his pole and some string?

Auto-e-Rod-ic Asphyxiation

Auto Correct

Text to Neighbor:



Hi Fred, this Richard next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. at least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer ...

A gynecologist decides it's time to hung up his speculum.

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.
He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.
"I gave you 50 po...

Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome

John: I didn't even know I was I'll

I hear the inventor of auto correct died

I didn't even know he was I'll

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

AutoCAD Conspiracy.

I'm always suspicious of people who use AutoCAD... they always seem to be plotting something.

Play a real life version of 'Grand Theft Auto'

By spending the day in Manchester.

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

The autobahn is like the alphabet...

...always a VW behind U.

A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

3 men in a waiting room while their wives give birth

Three men are waiting together in a waiting room while their wives are all giving birth.

The men start to talk and learn about each other while they wait.

The nurse comes out and tells the first guy "Congratulations your wife has given birth and you now have 2 handsome twin boys"
...

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seeing someone struggle with auto-eroctic asphyxiation is confusing

I can never tell If there cuming or going.

To the person who made auto correct

Restaurant in piece

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for m Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

Did you hear about the auto-correct programmer who lost his job?

He was fried.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into an auto-parts store...

He approaches the customer service counter and is greeted by a young, attractive female with golden blonde hair.

He says "I didn't expect to see such a young beautiful woman in a shop like this...what's your name?"

She points to her name-tag, and with a cute smile replies "Carmen. I c...

Went to an auto-cannibalism restaurant the other day.

Cost an arm and a leg

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

TIFU by getting into the wrong car after the European Auto Show.

whoops, wrong Saab

I don't understand Auto tune

Neither does my mechanic

We'll we'll we'll,

if it isn't autocorrect

What do you call it when a car writes its life story?

An auto-biography!

I was going to tell a joke about auto erotic asphixiation.

But i wouldn't hold my breath.

A penguin is driving his car when it starts making noise . . .

He takes it to the auto shop, the mechanic says it'll take about an hour. So he goes to the ice cream shop across the street. Penguins love ice cream. He comes back and the mechanic says, "it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "No, its just ice cream."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having sex with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly...

I can teach him about these for free.

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

What’d they call the movie about auto erotic asphyxiation?

Die Hard

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a auto worker?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized."

[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]

MECHANIC: Can I help you?

ME: My car won't start

MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle

ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?

When you turn off auto correct

ALL LOPE IS HOST!

You know, I’m into auto erotic asphyxiation, but there is one downside.

You can never really tell if your coming or going.

Auto-correct walks into a bar...

And the batman says, 'why the log fence?'

I really hate auto correct.

It's become my worst enema.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

God damn auto correct...

Always making me say things I didn't Nintendo

Why did Chief Auto Parts change the company's name?

Injun trouble

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

Auto-correct is so crazy now a days...

My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

A penguin takes his car to the auto shop...

The mechanic tells him its gonna be about a half hour, so he decides to go next door and get an ice cream to kill some time.

He goes next door and orders a vanilla ice cream in a cone. Since he only has flippers he finds it difficult to eat the ice cream and gets it all over his beak.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the proctologist have his cars towed to the auto repair shop?

He rectum.

Jaguar just announced an XK-E Concept car they will show at the Frankfurt Auto Show this year.

They had been working on it for 10 years but they only recently figured out how to make it leak oil

I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society!

Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.

(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")

My computer auto-corrected "illegal immigrant" to "undocumented person."

It's a PC PC.

The creator of auto-correct died recently

May he restraunt in peice

The person who wrote the auto-correct logic was killed in a bizarre farming accident.

Rest in Pieces!

We’ll we’ll we’ll

If it isn’t autocorrect.

What's the difference between an auto-corrected exclamation of amazement and an act of liking men?

One is ducking sick, the other is sucking d...

Auto-cannibalists come off as way too prideful.

They're so full of themselves.

GRAND THEFT AUTO

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Mr Penguin decides to go to the beach...

...as it is a beautiful hot summer day. He packs up the car and drives to the coast. Just before he gets there, the car sputters and backfires, and the engine starts to smoke. He's able to pull into an auto shop, and the mechanic tells him to come back in about 20 minutes.

Mr Penguin decides...

Why is everyone always late to Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Anonymous meetings?

Because they're all tied up, but coming soon.

What would you have if all autos in the US were painted pink?

A Pink Car Nation!

Blonde Auto Repair...

A blonde was driving to the mall (of course!) when she got caught in a sudden hailstorm with hail the size of golf balls. Her car was ruined. She took it to a body shop and asked the appraiser, "How much to fix it?" The appraiser's answer was $5,000. The fair-hair girl exclaims, "Wow! That much? Isn...

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

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