I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.

Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

When my wife was in her 20s, she was so beautiful I swore she was a siren

Now she just sounds like one.

[long] A man is speeding on the highway and he hears the sudden sound of police sirens. He angrily stops his vehicle on the side of the road and rolls down his window.

The officer greets him and asks him for an identification, to which the man has no choice but to reply: “look officer, I immigrated illegally just this week so I don’t own an identification.”

The officer then asks him for his driver’s license, to which the man hastily replies:
“I- I don’t...

How does the siren like her Captain Morgan?

On the rocks...

What do Kim Kardashian and a police siren have in common?

They get turned on when black guys are around.

The tornado warning siren has just stopped going off

That's either good or terrible

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Big shot lawyer is driving through countryside on beautiful spring Sunday.

He's driving bit fast but there's no one else in sight. Feeling the power of car makes him feel great. He sees a crossroad with a stop sign coming up. Empty roads for miles. He slows a bit and swerves to left and speeds up.

​

Few moments later he hears sirens and sees red fl...

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

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If you liked the film, Pulp Fiction, you may like this joke. Semi long, but the punch line....well you decide.

**Part 1, THE BUILDING SITE:**

**Two Kiwi’s are working on the 20th level of a building site in Auckland, New Zealand: Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick).**

Phul turns to Muck & says "Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but there’s nowhere to go, eh"

"Walk out to the end of that plank...

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Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

The police car, its siren blaring, raced in front of a speeding car and forced it to stop

The police car, its siren blaring, raced in front of a speeding car and forced it to stop.

A heavily built policeman got out and walked over.

"You name, please?" asked the policeman, taking out his notebook and pen.

"Certainly, officer," replied the driver. "It's Horatio Xerxes ...

A little girl lived next to a Firehouse.

Inspired by the activity when the firemen would respond to an emergency, she decided she wanted to be just like them.She took her little red wagon and rolled up a garden hose and stuck it to the wagon.Then she fixated a crude,makeshift ladder.Finally she grabbed a rope,tied one end to the front of h...

A young boy who was a fan of tractors

There once was a young boi who loved tractors as he worked on his fathers farm. They had a green one, a blue one, a red, nearly every colour if tractor, big and small.

But one day as the boy was working with his father in the field. His father fell from the green tractor and was crushed by th...

There was a highway cop

... and he was sitting in his patrol car on the side of a highway, with his speed gun, doing the same thing he does every day: watching the law abiding citizens drive past obeying the speed limit.

A yellow car goes past.

A red car.

A white van.

A green car.

A black...

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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

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IT REALLY BREAKS MY HEART....

This event earlier this day reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his ca...

A Fireman, A Little Girl, and Her Cat

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her c...

Why did the black pirates jump overboard

Because they heard the Sirens

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

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A man lies down on his psychiatrist’s couch

“I think I’m hearing voices,” the man says, getting right to the point.

“Tell me more,” says the shrink.

The man continues “I can hear a woman shrieking at the top of her lungs. And children crying. Someone else was whispering into a phone, but that’s died down now.”

The doctor ...

Closing time at the bar.

So it was closing time at the bar, and there was a cop sitting across the street picking his mark. A few were stumbling, but one guy in particular was leaning on a wall while slowly making his way to his car.

Falling over, crawling a bit, but eventually made it to his car. The cop almost wen...

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He f...

Saw a little boy dressed as a fireman being pulled in his wagon by his dog.

I saw a little boy dressed as a fireman being pulled in his wagon by his dog. I told the little boy " you know he'd probably go a lot faster if u tied the rope to his neck instead of his balls" the kid looks at me like im a complete idiot and says "But then what would I use as a siren?!"

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

It's the Pope!

After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the ...

There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

I've got a story...

So I'm real good friends with this guy named Juan Ted. Now, Juan is a pretty amazing guy. He can steal ANYTHING he wants to. Literally anything. It could be the shirt off your back, the wallet in your pocket, or I'm even sure he'd find a way to steal your house (And your spouse too). So anyway, one ...

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

Blonde driver

A blonde was driving down the highway. Soon she heard sirens and saw lights behind her, and was pulled over. A cop, also a blonde woman, approached her door.

"You were speeding, miss," she said. "May I see your license?"

The blonde driver rummaged through her purse for a minute befo...

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

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Hannibal Lecter escapes his prison, and begins a cannibalistic killing spree.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.

Not only that, but he escapes t...

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[nsfw] Voodoo Dick (Long)

Lucia popped into her local South American produce shop on the way home from work (it was enchilada night). While browsing she got a call from her bff Natalie and spent some time talking about the recent divorce, and her lack of sex life. Shortly after hanging up, she was approached by the store cle...

Pope Francis came to visit the US…

He was to address the UN in the morning, and give mass at Madison Square Garden later that day. After the UN address, the pope was given a chauffeur driven limo to get to MSG in time for the mass. Leaving the UN, he ran into New York City bumper-to-bumper traffic, and was stuck with the time for m...

A poetic version of "you are not a monk" joke

He sat and sighed beside the road -
His engine's gasket blown.
His car was old and cold and towed.
The man was left alone.
'I need to find a place to stay
Until it's fixed,' he spoke -
But as he rose to walk away
Arrived a band of folk.
They said: 'You're warm...

So the Pope arrives at the airport...

And a driver picks him up.

At one point the Pope turns to the driver and says:
\-Can you hurry up please, I have to get to this really important meeting.
To which the driver respondes:
\-Yes, but only a little bit your holyness, I can't break the speed limit.


Five...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

Bills

Two thieves break into a bank after a lot of difficulty. Hearing police sirens, they each grab a sack from the vault and run for their lives.

8 months later, after the commotion about the robbery dies down, the thieves meet up casually to talk at a bar about the robbery:

Thief 1: Hey...

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Midlife crisis

A man turned 40 and had the classic midlife crisis. He went out and bought a red convertible sports car. While driving his new car on the highway he decided to speed up and have some fun. Sure enough he heard the siren and saw the flashing lights behind him. In a panic he pushed the gas to the f...

Test eating wild mushrooms on the dog, he said.

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. B...

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Voodoo Dick [Long]

a husband married a wife and the wife was the horny type, he had to satisfy her often. but when he had to go away on a business trip he found that his wife would most likely cheat on him. so he went to the nearest pawnshop and shared these details with them. they offered him a voodoo dick, the husba...

Saving people from a burning building

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were caught in a burning building and rushed to the roof to get away from the smoke. Soon, they hear sirens of the fire truck approach and peer over the edge. They see a group of 4 firefighters get out and each grab a hold of a tarp to catch them in.

The b...

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What gets louder when I'm horny?

Sirens

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A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

A Police Officer sees a man in a car run a stop sign.

The Police Officer pulls out onto the road and turns his lights and sirens on. Once the man pulls over, the Police Officer gets out and approaches the driver side window.

Officer - "I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign. You didn't stop before you went through the intersection."...

Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.

Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!

Well, when we ...

A man is pulled over by a rookie cop...

When the cop approaches the window, the man produces his papers then says “I’m sure you’re going to ask about the body in the trunk since you obviously smell the weed.” The cop nearly fell back, but before he could utter a word, the man said “just be careful, the knife is under my seat.” The rookie...

A man’s car breaks down on a dim lot road in the middle of no where.

He calls a mechanic to come but he won’t be able to get to him till the next morning and it’s getting quite cold. He gets out his car and starts walking down the road to see if he can find anyone to help him. About 5 minutes down the road he finds a monastery with some monks in. They invite him in a...

A man and his wife are driving down a highway...

...and the man is not wearing his seatbelt. He cruises down the Interstate when he notices a couple of cops seated by the road. Quickly, the man reaches for his seatbelt and continues to drive. Unfortunately for him, the cops have already spotted him and have started to catch up to him. The sirens s...

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Police officers Rosa and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.

Police officers Rosa and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

Rosa replied, ...

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Recktum

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.

Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes officer,...

I was tailgated going 15 over

I was going 15 over the limit in the fast lane and being tailgated so I moved to the slow lane. The car behind continued to stay on my bumper. I couldn't shake him and was becoming very annoyed.

He looked so ridiculous with his flashing lights and his annoying siren.

Penguins and the cop

Credit to u/Akatheerder

A police officer is parked by the side of the road. He sees a pickup truck drive by and it's full of penguins. The officer flips his siren on and pulls the truck over.

He approaches the window and asks the man, "Sir, what are you doing with these penguins?"
<...

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A man wakes up late and has to speed to get to work on time...

He's flying down the highway, doing 90 in a 60. He approaches an overpass and sees a cop above running radar. The man thinks to.m himself, "shit".

Sure enough, lights and sirens and the cop is pulling him over. He officer approaches the car and asks the man, "Sir, do you know why I pulled yo...

2 men are robbing an apartment...

...when they hear sirens outside the building.

"We need to jump!" says the first man.
The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"

"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman escape from prison.

They have just finished climbing the wall when they hear police sirens so they decide to hide in the back of a nearby R.S.P.C.A van and each climbed into some old cloth sacks they find in there. Ten minuets later a police officer looks into the back of the van and sees the three filled sacks.
He ...

I love long road trips with music..

..Until the acid wear off and i realize i'm in an ambulance with the siren on.

Three soldiers are captured when their plane goes down...

Three soldiers are captured when their plane goes down behind enemy lines. They are taken to the enemy's headquarters and informed that the POW camp is full so they will be executed immediately, by firing squad. They are taken out to an open space and sat down. Then, one by one, they are to be lined...

A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.

The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"

And...

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

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How I picked my career.

I was driving down the street, when I was cut off by someone. I honked frantically, applied the brakes masterfully and dodged a sure accident. At the next set of lights, I pulled up beside the perpetrators and it was a car with 4 black men in it. I gave them the finger, and they became hostile towar...

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A kid'a parents didn't want him to learn bad words...

*English isn't my first language so tell me if there are any mistakes*

So one day the father was taking the kid to the mall for a haircut, they walk out the door and the father suddenly remembers he forgot his keys.

He forgets him and his SO's idea and says "Shit! I forgot my keys" th...

Old guy buys a new sports car.....

And right after he leaves the salesroom, he floors the gas pedal making him zip in the road. He notices that a police car, with it's siren blaring so he really puts the pedal to the max. While in hot pursuit, he realizes that he's too old for this. So he pulls over, waiting for the cop to catch up t...

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The pope is visiting New York City...

...but due to an error, there's no popemobile delivered. After a lengthy delay, the pope assures them that any car will do fine, so they get him the absolute nicest limousine they can find.

The limo is driving down the highway, and the pope knocks on the window separating him and the driver.<...

Two cops are sitting in their car late at night...

...watching a bar in the hope of catching drunk drivers.

It nears 3 AM and they see a severely intoxicated man struggling to open the door to let himself out of the bar. He's walking in zig-zags all the way to a car in the streets. He struggles to fetch his keys from his pocket and, when he f...

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police one day. When suddenly, they happened upon a barn. They ran inside to escape the boys in blue and barred the door on their way in. All that was in the barn was a few cows, a couple of pigs, and a pile of potatoes. They could hear the sir...

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Ike, Mike, and Mustard

It was the early 60s and three brothers, Ike, Mike, and Mustard were taking a bus from Nashville to Memphis. Somewhere along the way Mustard finds he needs to crap. He nudges Ike. "Hey man, what do I do, I really gotta crap." Ike replies, "Fuck if I know. Why don't you go in your sock?" Mustar...

What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?

Both have a phobia for sirens.

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

What happens when the PS and XBOX servers go down?

The ambulance comes lights and sirens, "WII-U WII-U WII-U"
I'm sorry, I'll leave now ._.

Grandpa told me this one last night at dinner

A lawyer is driving down the quiet country road and is approaching a stop sign. The road is completely devoid of people or other drivers, so the lawyer just slows down a bit to be safe, but otherwise drives through the intersection.

Suddenly a siren goes off and seemingly out of nowhere a po...

A man was driving on a highway with his wife

Suddenly he heard a siren and pulled over. A police officer walked towards him and asked:
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Im pretty sure I was under the limit, officer" he replied.
"What do you mean Richard?" his wife shouted. "you were going way too fast, like always"...

My favourite blonde joke

So a blonde, a brunette and a red head all escaped from prison. As they were running out of the prison they came across a barn and thought they should hide in there until the police stopped looking for them. As they arrive they saw a few empty sacks and decided to hop into the different ones.
...

An old man buys a new car.

He rools down the windows, and heads for the highway, speeding up to 200 km/h. The adrenalin of passing other cars and the wind against his face made him feel young again. Suddenly, he hears sirens and see blue lights from his behind, so he speeds up without a second thought.

When it hits him...

The epic journey of the sperm cell

Once upon a time, a brand new sperm cell was being instructed by an older sperm cell.

"Right," he said, "this is what's going to happen: one day you'll be having a nap and you'll hear a siren. You rush out as fast as can, make absolutely sure you swim as hard as you can, because you HAVE to b...

A remake of an older joke.

My sadness after her death grew very great. I endured it far longer than most men could, for she was my life, my love, my everything. No amount of counseling could ever erase the pain she had left in my life. So one day I decided to end it all. I tied a noose around my neck, hoping I could see her i...

Whenever I reach 88 mph in my car, I always make a Back to the Future time traveling sound effect inside my head...

...and that's usually followed by a police siren sound effect outside my car.

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