After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

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Why Did Mrs. Claus File for Divorce?

Because Santa Only Cums Once a Year

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out of the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”

Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

Without a doubt.

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

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I bought the Mrs some crotchless knickers for Halloween.

Nothing sexual it's just to give her a better grip on her broomstick:

Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?

Because he couldn't resistor.

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby!

Mr. Goat : You're kidding.

I asked my wife what the 'r' in "Mrs." meant...

She replied, "right"

Mrs. Swindon declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial.

“But, Madam,” said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, “this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the twelve thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a sable coat for her birthda...

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and b...

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

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If Mrs. Ippi bought Virginia a new winter coat. What did Della wear?

Idaho. Alaska.

So the Mrs said she wanted me to be as spectacular as Liverpool in bed

....so I stayed on top for most of it and came second!

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Mrs O’ Sullivan hears the doorbell and opens the front door of her house

Standing in the rain, is her husbands best friend, Paddy.

"Hello Paddy, but where is Seamus? I thought he went with you to the brewery"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Aileen, there was a terrible accident at the brewery, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

Mrs O’ Su...

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

In the green house lives MR green in the blue house lives MR blue in the pink house lives MRS pink who lives in the white house?

The president

Elderly Woman

“An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."


Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you ha...

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

Mrs. Jones, can Tommy come out and play?

Now Billy you know Tommy doesn’t have arm or legs.

I know. We want to use him as second base.

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

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Little Johnny is learning math in Mrs. Smith’s 4 grade class...

Mrs Smith asks little Johnny,

“If there are 5 pigeons on a fence and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?”

“None, as the rest would fly away!”

“No little Johnny, there would be 4, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny then got peeved so he asked Mrs. Smith,
<...

Why don't Santa Clause and Mrs. Clause have any children?

Because Santa only comes once a year and it's always down the chimney

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

Why their are Angels on top of the Xmas Tree

Have you ever wondered how the tradition of putting an angel on the tree started? It may not be as magical as you might think,

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

T...

Pac man found out Mrs. Pac man was cheating on him.

He decided to ghost her in response.

Mrs Rosenfeld is suing Mr Ramsay for calling her a pig

Mr Ramsay asks the judge: "is it illegal for me to call Mrs Rosenfeld a pig?"

The judge replies: "yes, of course it's illegal."

Mr Ramsay asks again: "ok, but am I allowed to call a pig 'Mrs Rosenfeld' your honor?"

The judge says: "well yeah, there is no law against that."
<...

what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

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One day in class, the math teacher Mrs. Brown noticed that Little Johnny was not paying attention to what she was saying...

So she called Little Johnny to recite in class.

"Little Johnny, answer this math question," she said. "If you have 500 dollars and you gave 100 dollars to Susie and gave 100 dollars to Jeannie and gave 100 dollars to Mary Ann, what do you have ?"

"An orgy," answered Little Johnny.

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

“Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

“Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!”

“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

We were driving on the highway and my wife said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. right!”

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

What turns Mrs. Batman on?

Batteries.

So this is how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree...

Santa Claus was in a very bad mood. All the reindeer had colds,Rudolph's nose went out. The elves screwed up most of the toys. Mrs. Claus was nagging him and she burnt the Christmas cookies. Just when he hooks his brand new red suit on a nail hanging out of the wall he told an elf to pound in a wee...

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An elderly couple had been struggling to find a way for the Mr. to stop snoring. The Mrs. had tried everything.

Nasal strips, mouth guards, etc. Nothing ever worked and her sleep depravation had made her desperate. One day in conversation with a friend, the Mrs. mentioned her husbands snoring problem. Her friend responded that the same thing had happened to her husband and the Mrs should do the same thing. Sh...

What did Mrs Sippi and Tenna see?

The same thing Arkan saw.

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Mickey Mouse is standing in front of a judge at his divorce hearing.

The judge says "OK Mr. Mouse, let me get this straight. You want a divorce from Mrs. Mouse because she's *silly*?"

Mickey replied "No! I said shes fucking Goofy!"

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Parrots. long

Father O'Malley comes out from Sunday mass to talk with his parishioners and Mrs. Coughlin asks if she may have a word with him.

"Of course, Mrs. Coughlin. What seems to be the problem?

“This may sound like a strange question, but I have a problem with my parrot and I hear that you hav...

It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...

...ever lose their son Tim in a forest.

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83 year old Mr. Jones

83 year old Mr. Jones marries a 60 year old woman, and she worries that he might have a stroke or a heart attack if they have sex. So he goes to a doctor and tells him he needs an examination and a letter saying he's healthy enough for sex. The doctor examines him and finds him to be in great shape,...

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A reporter walks into a bar...

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

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Mr. and Mrs White are in the delivery room of the hospital

waiting for the arrival of their newborn son. As the child emerges from the birth canal, a puzzled look comes over the doctor's face, as the child has jet black eyes, a flatter nose, and a few strands of black hair. He notices that Mr. and Mrs. White both have blue eyes and blonde hair. "This chi...

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

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