Dont challange Death to a pillow fight

...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

**The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you wil...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The co...

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

​

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each...

A genie appears infront of a man...

And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.

The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"

"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."

"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two ladies in heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda!

2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

People always told my dad that his pride would be the death of him

and sure enough, he was eaten by his favorite lion just last Wednesday

I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Ultimate Joke:

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner...

A missionary on a mission trip to Africa saves a baby elephant from sure death.

Long time past since then and he is back home with his kids at the zoo one day. There was an elephant show when suddenly this one elephant stops and looks very carefully at this man. Slowly comes up to his seat maintaining the eye contact. Then all of a sudden he picks the man with his trunk throws ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge: “First offender?”

Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

Death in the family

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

There is such a thing as life after death…

It's called divorce...

Death at the Guinness Brewery

Pat O’ Hara and Sean O’Toole lived next door to each other in Dublin. They worked the graveyard shift at the Guinness Brewery at St. James Gate together for 20 years. Every evening they would leave for work together at 11:30 pm and every morning they would return from work at 8:30 am.
One morning...

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Me: I don’t know, why?

Boss: Because the grandfather whose funeral you missed work for yesterday is on the phone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis

I don’t get why people are afraid of death

About 100 billion humans have died and I’ve not heard any of them complaining

Kermit the Frog has been really rude ever since Jim Henson’s death.

He doesn’t talk to anyone.

I never really understood what the "blue screen of death" meant

But when my self driving car had one the name started making a lot more sense

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

When's the best time to tell a child about death?

Before the second trimester.

What's the difference between men and women after death?

Women: Ugh...I'm so bloated!

Men: I've never been *this hard* before!

An old man was on his death bed.

He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."


At the funeral, each man put an envelo...

What goes through someone's mind when jumping to their death?

Their spine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bunga Bunga

Three men were exploring a large uncharted island. While hiking through the thick forest they were ambushed at spear-point by a tribe of large aboriginal men. The tribesmen tied their hands behind their backs and marched them through the forest to a small village, busy with working men, and gorgeous...

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are all sentenced to death via the guillotine...

The executioner tells the men, “if I pull the lever and the blade doesn’t drop, you’re free to go. And your sentence will count as paid in full.”

As the Doctor steps up to the guillotine, the executioner asks, “would you like to be face down or face up?” “I’ll go face up. It won’t matter,” re...

A young woman reportedly froze to death.

Her boyfriend had repeatedly warned her it was cold outside.

There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.

I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So three people are sentenced to death by guillotine.

First comes the bartender. The executioner asks if he has any last words, and the bartender exclaims "free drinks for all if God spares me!" The executioner pulls the lever and the blade stops before touching the bartender. The crowd considers this an act of God and successfully demand the bartender...

A man walking in a desert was about to starve to death, when he suddenly...

Died of thirst.

About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

The Pharasees brought an adulterous woman before Jesus to be stoned to death.

They had brought her to test Jesus. He turned to them and shouted, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone!"
The people gathered around all paused and looked at one another. Then an elderly woman in the back bent down and hoisted the largest rock she could carry over her shoulders. She...

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

Peace after death..

Husband: My dear, what ll you do after my death?

Wife: I can't live without you. I would die as well and come with you.

Husband: huh.. I didn't believe what that psychic said. But now I do.

Wife: what did he say?

Husband: He said, you won't live a peaceful life even aft...

Dying by falling from stairs is just like regular death

But with extra steps

Today I was jumping with a parachute for the first time and I was scared to death.

It began when the guy who was in the tandem with me asked me how long am I working as an instructor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady is in the hospital on her death bed NSFL

With only a matter of days left, her husband asks “honey, is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?

She replies “well, in all of our years of being married you have never once given me oral sex....I’d really like it if you would do that for me”

Her husband agrees instantly,...

Before his death, JFK was just known as John Kennedy.

The F was added after to pay respects.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

A man was shot with a starting pistol and then beaten to death with a relay baton.

Police believe it may be race related.

I've been on death row for a while now, and today's the day I found out it'll be via electric chair.

I was shocked.

Man on his death bed

A man is on his death bed looking at his family wich contains of a wife, 2 older boys with bright red hair and freckles, and 1 younger boy with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He asks his boys to go out of the room so he can ask his wife something. “Sweetheart tell me before I die, is our youn...

Death has a list

Whoever is in top of the list gets visited by death and killed. One day, he knocks on a man's door and tells him, 'I've come to kill you .' The man was scared, but thinking quickly, said, ' At least come in ,have dinner, and a good night's sleep before killing me.' Death accepted, but unbeknownst...

I'm sick to death of people knocking at my door for donations.

Just had one woman from the sperm bank.

Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

A man was found guilty of electrifying a guy to his death.

The charge was quite severe.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Death from Viagra

If you overdose on Viagra do you die HARD?

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.

The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"

"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.

The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.

"Kill me first."

Doctor: "Have you ever thought of donating organs after your death?"

Man: " Yeah, I will donate my brain"
Doctor: "Good, all tiny bits help"

A man was sentanced to death

His execution would be by the noose at the gallows.

With the executioner readying him, about to cuff him when the priest asked the man with the rope around his neck if he had any last requests.

The man said "yes." *He raised his hand into the air just in time to prolong his cuffing by...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male pornstar was charged with murder and sentenced to death by hanging. The day before his execution, the warden asked: "what would you like inscribed on your tombstone?"

...

...

...

...

​

"Hank

1980-2017

He was well hung"

​

Mafia have boiled a man to death in an industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

We call the offices to register Births, Marriages and Death's in our town....

Hatch em, Match em and Dispatch em.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandpa fell to his death and I'll never forget his last words...

They were "stop shaking the the ladder you cunt"

A man finds a magic lamp and gives it a rub.

Suddenly a genie flies out and informs the man that he can have 3 wishes. However, whatever the man wishes for, his wife gets double.
"I wish I had a car." Says the man.
"Okay" says the genie "but your wife gets 2"
"I wish I had a house." Says the man.
"Okay" says the genie "but your wi...

Mike Tyson is the Collector of Life, the Harvester of Souls, and Death itself. He is the Grim Reaper. He has come for you.

He slowly approaches from behind, as you rock back and forth on your chair in the retirement home.

You know your time has come. You’ve had a good run. Your kids and your grandkids will live on and remember you and do you proud. You’ll see your beautiful Karen again, and you will forgive each ...

A woman on death row is going to be killed soon

The guard asks her what she would like for her last meal.

She responds, "I don't know, whatever you want."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason.

No, this does not mean that I am obligated to show you my breasts to prove their existence

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Death awards 72 virgins to an evil man...

Guy: You mean to tell me, these are my 72 virgins?!!!

Death: Uhh yeah, what’s the problem?

Guy: I’m not sticking my dick in any dudes!!

Death: Who said anything about you sticking YOUR dick in THEM?

Guy:.....

Death: *hands him lube* You better grease up...it’s gon...

Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel

You might be too weak to lift your middle finger

Is there life after death?

50 years of research concluded we don't know

Medical accidents are now the third leading cause of death in America.

And as it happens accidents are also the leading cause of life worldwide.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

Two men on death row are discussing TV shows.

One asks: "So do you prefer Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead"?


The Other Answers: "Oh, I'm a Walking Dead man"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When my wife was close to death she assured me if there was an afterlife she would somehow let me know.

Anyway, the inevitable happened and she passed away. About a month had passed when I was awoken by a cold blast and the shadowy ghost of my wife appeared in front of me,

"It's all true, " she said to me, "heaven is here, my love, I'm here, my mum is here, my dad is here, and when you pass yo...

Why does this joke have a death penalty?

It’s poorly executed

who got arrested for weed possession during the black death?

the executioner, he was always stoning people.

Why’d the sniper starve to death?

He only had 50 cals on him.

Where do speedrunners go after death?

Out of bounds

When is a good time to cry about someone’s death?

In the mourning.

An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

Death must be great

I’ve never seen a skull frowning.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A guy finds a genie bottle

Rubs it and the genie says “okay you’ve got three wishes, but new rule is your ex-wife gets double”

Guys not happy but says “for my first wish I want 5 billion dollars tax free”

Genie “boom you got it, now your ex-wife has 10 billion tax free dollars”

Guy “yeah, ok fine next wis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two death row inmates are asked about their final wish before they're executed.

The first inmate says: "I want to hear the entire Journey to the Centre of the Earth album by Rick Wakeman one last time."

"Alright, we can do that", says the guard and he asks the second inmate what he wants.

"Well, in that case", the second inmate says, "can you execute me first?"

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is on his death bed...

His wife is holding his hand while he struggles with his breathing. On the table is a photograph of five strapping young lads and one very scrawny young man. He looks at the photo and tries to speak.

"Martha, how did it happen? My five strong boys winning competitions, chopping wood, marrying...

All good things come to those who wait...

Unless you're a death row inmate, in that case it's all rape and death.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dr. Watson is performing an autopsy. Holmes ask if he’s found the cause of death.

Watson: It would appear the decedent had a bowel obstruction. It caused a rupture in the intestinal wall, creating a septic condition and ultimately, death.

Holmes: Wait, John, are you saying he died of...

Watson: No Shit, Sherlock.

They say absolute wisdom.comes just before death. In the words of my late uncle,

"Watch this!"

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazonas...

They are tied to a big wooden pole in the middle of the village. The leader of the tribe walks up to the first explorer and states with a deep voice:

"Wagga-Dagga or die."

The first explorer, not wanting to die, quickly chooses Wagga-Dagga. Hearing the first explorers answer, all the m...

A death row criminal was strapped onto the electric chair waiting for his execution

Executioner: Any last request?

Criminal: I just want to see one last clickbait article.

Executioner: What happens next will shock you.

I talked to Death today

We got into an argument, he said there would be Reapercussions for my actions

An 85 year old woman was mourning her husband's death.

She decided to commit suicide.

So she thinks about it, wondering "how do you kill an 85 year old woman?", and she comes to the conclusion that she would shoot herself with her husband's gun.

She pondered,"where would you shoot an 85 year old woman?" And she realized, "in the heart". ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Franks Death

One day Frank a 80yr old marine veteran working construction with his super strong body gets a call while lifting cinder blocks.

Frank “Hello whose this?”

His neighbor “hey Frank it’s your neighbor and I have bad news for ya, your wife is having an affair I can see it all from my 2nd f...

I dont understand all this uproar over Jamal Ahmad Khashoggi's death

By all accounts it seems like he died piecefully

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Sean Bean dying in a movie

...and I'm not completely sure about the first two.

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

A prisoner was on death row...

When the guard asked him what his final meal was, he said “an all you can eat buffet please”.

I got the death sentence for making a fence out of large circles.

It was a capital 'O' fence.

Jewish Man calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa

Clerk: $50 per word

Jewish Man: Grandpa Dead

Clerk: Sorry Sir, Minimum 5 words required ...

Jewish Man: "Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for Sale!”

*Edit to western currency*

What was Captain Hook's cause of the death?

Itchy balls...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free...