A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

Never challenge death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

An old survivor of the Auschwitz death camp dies and goes to heaven. Passing through the Pearly Gates he tells god a holocaust joke to which god replies, "I don't find that funny."

The old survivor says, "Well...I guess you had to be there."

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fella was up in court

This fella was up in court being charged with murder.

The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer”

A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!”

The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daug...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

What's an anarchist's most likely cause of death?

Prostate cancer

Beat you to death

If I die before you, have I beat you to death?

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

​

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each...

My friend met Terry Crews and made fun of him so Terry beat him to death

The coroner says he died from dysentery

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The co...

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An indian man on his death bed.

"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"


"Yes, my husband"


"My daughters are you here?



"Yes, papa"


"My sons are you here ?"


"Yes, Father, we are all here"



"Then who's in the fucking shop?"

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead are sentenced to death.

They come face to face with the executioner and he asks each which way they would prefer to die: electric chair or lethal injection.

The Redhead says that she’ll go with the lethal injection. The executioner readies his equipment and gives her the injection. Within 10 minutes she is dead....

What did the man say to the Queen after she told him he was to be put to death by guillotine?

“So no head?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two ladies in heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda!

2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
...

Deaths since GoT Season Premiere:

Lady Lyanna..

Jorah..

Theon..

Melissandre..

The Night King..

3627 Walruses who fell from the top of a hill because the ICE IS MELTING AND PLANET EARTH IS IN DANGER AND OMG WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ASAP

A genie appears infront of a man...

And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.

The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"

"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."

"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an Over powered Janitorial Storm Trooper at the Death Star?

A Super Duper Pooper Trooper.

Death can't be that bad.

At least no one has complained about it happening to them yet

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

A husband on his death bed

Jane and Roy had been married for 40 years. They lived frugally and never had any children. Everything they owned was paid for.
Roy kept all of his money in cash at home. He always talked about how he was going to take his money with him when he died. Always saying he wanted all of his money put...

A man admitted to beating a cow to death in a rice field with two porcelain figures,

Cops say this is the first known case of a Knick Knack Patty Wack .

An atheist’s near death experience:

God: Welcome my son!

Atheist: God?

God: Yes; you’ve had an accident do not worry. You will wake up soon enough.

Atheist: So before I do I’ve got to ask... did Noah really build an arc for all the animals in the world?

God: Yes, but you’ve got to realize that ...

Death and the Watchmaker

Death walks into a blind watchmaker's shop. All the watches in the store were stolen, but the watchmaker is still sitting by the register. Death looks around the store, sighs and says, "Can't you see you're out of time?"

Death or Gumanji?

There are three men exploring the forest and they come upon a tribe of Pigmys.

They are caught and taken against their will.

The next day the head of the tribe tells them that they are on trial, one each day.

The first day, the man sits in front of the tribe and is asked, "Death...

An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad.

He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

​

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."


The...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Ultimate Joke:

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner...

They came in a pack, he thought he could take them but he bit off more than he could chew.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

What's the shortest death sentence?

"Arghh."

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A train conductor is on death row for derailing a train and killing 50 people.

For his last meal he requested a single banana. The next day the electric chair failed to kill him, so he was let go. He later committed the same dumb fuck mistake and killed 45. Same shit, different sentence, he asked for a banana, and didn't die in the electric chair so THEY LET THE CUNT GO. The s...

What do you call trees who are sad about the death of a fellow tree?

Mourning wood

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

​

Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

​

“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

In a long lost episode, Superman has a close shave with death because his cloak wasn’t the right size.

It was a narrow S cape.

Story of death.

A man was planning to set sail to Arabia in a chilly winter. His wife pleaded with him not to go as she had dreamt an impending doom on his journey. He, being stubborn, still boarded the ship. At the departing moment, his wife gave him a magic pen which she had inherited from her ancestors, a pen th...

I have a joke on death

It's so simple, you'll all get it.

A suspected poacher was trampled to death by an elephant then eaten by lions in a South Africa safari park last week.

Some hunters claim their work is 'beneficial to the greater animal population'.

Well in this case I agree, those lions might have got a bit peckish otherwise.

People always told my dad that his pride would be the death of him

and sure enough, he was eaten by his favorite lion just last Wednesday

An old man was on his death bed.

He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."


At the funeral, each man put an envelo...

Death in the family

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

When's the best time to tell a child about death?

Before the second trimester.

There is such a thing as life after death…

It's called divorce...

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Me: I don’t know, why?

Boss: Because the grandfather whose funeral you missed work for yesterday is on the phone.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are all sentenced to death via the guillotine...

The executioner tells the men, “if I pull the lever and the blade doesn’t drop, you’re free to go. And your sentence will count as paid in full.”

As the Doctor steps up to the guillotine, the executioner asks, “would you like to be face down or face up?” “I’ll go face up. It won’t matter,” re...

I don’t get why people are afraid of death

About 100 billion humans have died and I’ve not heard any of them complaining

A young woman reportedly froze to death.

Her boyfriend had repeatedly warned her it was cold outside.

Death at the Guinness Brewery

Pat O’ Hara and Sean O’Toole lived next door to each other in Dublin. They worked the graveyard shift at the Guinness Brewery at St. James Gate together for 20 years. Every evening they would leave for work together at 11:30 pm and every morning they would return from work at 8:30 am.
One morning...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bunga Bunga

Three men were exploring a large uncharted island. While hiking through the thick forest they were ambushed at spear-point by a tribe of large aboriginal men. The tribesmen tied their hands behind their backs and marched them through the forest to a small village, busy with working men, and gorgeous...

When Christopher Hitchens was on his death bed he called for a priest...

And converted him into an atheist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So three people are sentenced to death by guillotine.

First comes the bartender. The executioner asks if he has any last words, and the bartender exclaims "free drinks for all if God spares me!" The executioner pulls the lever and the blade stops before touching the bartender. The crowd considers this an act of God and successfully demand the bartender...

Kermit the Frog has been really rude ever since Jim Henson’s death.

He doesn’t talk to anyone.

A man walking in a desert was about to starve to death, when he suddenly...

Died of thirst.

What's the difference between men and women after death?

Women: Ugh...I'm so bloated!

Men: I've never been *this hard* before!

I never really understood what the "blue screen of death" meant

But when my self driving car had one the name started making a lot more sense

There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.

I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.

What goes through someone's mind when jumping to their death?

Their spine.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

The Pharasees brought an adulterous woman before Jesus to be stoned to death.

They had brought her to test Jesus. He turned to them and shouted, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone!"
The people gathered around all paused and looked at one another. Then an elderly woman in the back bent down and hoisted the largest rock she could carry over her shoulders. She...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.

The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"

"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.

The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.

"Kill me first."

Peace after death..

Husband: My dear, what ll you do after my death?

Wife: I can't live without you. I would die as well and come with you.

Husband: huh.. I didn't believe what that psychic said. But now I do.

Wife: what did he say?

Husband: He said, you won't live a peaceful life even aft...

A man was shot with a starting pistol and then beaten to death with a relay baton.

Police believe it may be race related.

Dying by falling from stairs is just like regular death

But with extra steps

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

Death has a list

Whoever is in top of the list gets visited by death and killed. One day, he knocks on a man's door and tells him, 'I've come to kill you .' The man was scared, but thinking quickly, said, ' At least come in ,have dinner, and a good night's sleep before killing me.' Death accepted, but unbeknownst...

Before his death, JFK was just known as John Kennedy.

The F was added after to pay respects.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady is in the hospital on her death bed NSFL

With only a matter of days left, her husband asks “honey, is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?

She replies “well, in all of our years of being married you have never once given me oral sex....I’d really like it if you would do that for me”

Her husband agrees instantly,...

Today I was jumping with a parachute for the first time and I was scared to death.

It began when the guy who was in the tandem with me asked me how long am I working as an instructor.

I'm sick to death of people knocking at my door for donations.

Just had one woman from the sperm bank.

Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

What do you call a dromedary with a death wish?

A camelkaze.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Death from Viagra

If you overdose on Viagra do you die HARD?

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

Doctor: "Have you ever thought of donating organs after your death?"

Man: " Yeah, I will donate my brain"
Doctor: "Good, all tiny bits help"

A man finds a magic lamp and gives it a rub.

Suddenly a genie flies out and informs the man that he can have 3 wishes. However, whatever the man wishes for, his wife gets double.
"I wish I had a car." Says the man.
"Okay" says the genie "but your wife gets 2"
"I wish I had a house." Says the man.
"Okay" says the genie "but your wi...

A man was found guilty of electrifying a guy to his death.

The charge was quite severe.

Mafia have boiled a man to death in an industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

A man was sentanced to death

His execution would be by the noose at the gallows.

With the executioner readying him, about to cuff him when the priest asked the man with the rope around his neck if he had any last requests.

The man said "yes." *He raised his hand into the air just in time to prolong his cuffing by...

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel

You might be too weak to lift your middle finger

Man on his death bed

A man is on his death bed looking at his family wich contains of a wife, 2 older boys with bright red hair and freckles, and 1 younger boy with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He asks his boys to go out of the room so he can ask his wife something. “Sweetheart tell me before I die, is our youn...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandpa fell to his death and I'll never forget his last words...

They were "stop shaking the the ladder you cunt"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

A woman on death row is going to be killed soon

The guard asks her what she would like for her last meal.

She responds, "I don't know, whatever you want."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male pornstar was charged with murder and sentenced to death by hanging. The day before his execution, the warden asked: "what would you like inscribed on your tombstone?"

...

...

...

...

​

"Hank

1980-2017

He was well hung"

​

Paul is on his death bed in hospital.

He calls his best friend John to his side and tells him his last wishes.

"All my life, I have had this rare, expensive bottle of whiskey. It means everything to me. It has been passed down through my family for generations. " Paul whispers. "Please John, after I die, sprinkle the whole bottle...