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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

Got the missus a new bag and belt for her birthday.

The Hoover works a treat now.

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My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway

As I walked out the door, she screamed...


"I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!"


"Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"

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My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.

I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"

"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl.

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I got home late last night went to bed to try to wake the missus up for some fun

I sneak under the blankets and start licking her out, after about 5 minutes she screams squirts all over my face. I head to the bathroom, splash a heap of water in my face look in the mirror and find my girlfriend behind me. I get startled and yell "Fuck you scared the shit out of me" she replies "s...

I’ve just asked my missus if I’m the only one she’s slept with.

She said ‘Yes. All the others were nine and tens’.

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Just booked a table for me and the missus for Valentines Day knowing this is going to end in tears....

She’s shit at snooker

My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.

“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”

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The missus was not amused

A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of breasts are there?”

The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her bre...

I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy.

She laughed.

Just sold the missus on eBay.

Well actually I sold a big box. The rest is a surprise.

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A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.

Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.

The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!

The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give h...

Husband calls his wife at home and finds out she's in bed with another man

Husband (H) calls home and the cleaning lady (CL) answers the phone:

CL: Hello?

H: Can I speak to the missus please

CL: She's a bit busy now, she can't come to the phone right now

H: Why? What is she doing?

CL: She's in the bedroom with her friend

H: What fr...

Me and the missus broke up recently and decided to split the house.

I got the outside..

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Just bought the Missus a Pug dog. Despite the squashed eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fuck.

The Pug seems to like her.

I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present.

She said she hoped I kept the receipt.

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A guy walks into a urologist’s office:

- Doc, I’ve been a faithful husband for 30 years. I love my wife, but the spark is gone and I haven’t even been able to get it up for a year now. Obviously, the missus is very upset about this. Please help.

- You amaze me! Have you ever heard of Viagra? Here, take some of these to try and co...

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I was in Walmart whit the wife

I was in Walmart whit the wife and put a bottle of whiskey in the trolley "what do you think your doing " Asked the missus " it's on offer $10 for 1 bottle " put it back we can't afford it. A few aisles on she picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley "what are you doing "I sed ...

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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."
"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks."

The missus wore a right slinky number last night!

Looked amazing coming down the stairs!

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys-only trip, do you think about me?”

Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

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3 couples participated in an experiment about orgasms.

Each couple was shown a room with a bed full of sensors. Above the door leading into each room, was a special meter, akin to a speedometer, able to indicate up to 100.

So first round, couples do their routine stuff, and go see their meters. 20, 40, 60. There was a locked door however, the met...

A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate.

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician!"

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Went for a walk with the missus last night...

There's a beautiful spot on top of the hill not so far from here, on the way whilst walking down a quiet path she turned to me and said, "Give it to me, give it to me, I'm wet".

I stopped for a second and looked around, and then it dawned upon me "No fuck off, it's my umbrella".

My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was.

I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."

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A Bar needs a new pianist.

A bar needs a new pianist, so the owner puts up a sign in the window.
“Pianist wanted, apply within”.

A couple of hours later, a young man walks in, and says he is there to apply. The owner sits him down at the piano, and the man breaks out into the most beautiful song ever heard.
...

The Missus and the Ex

A man is at a party, chatting to John. Suddenly, his eyes widen and he quickly ducks under the buffet table. Curious, John asks him why he's hiding.


"Behind you... My wife's just found my ex."


John turns around to see the two women shrieking at each other, and promptly ducks u...

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

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A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor says "What's your problem?" The guy says, Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work.

On the way to work I car pool with the next door
neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during
the ride to work..

Once I get to work I do some work and at morning
tea time I go into the photocopy room and have
it off with the one of the young office girls.

At lunch I take ...

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Do you think the missus will be pissed if I give her a wooden leg for christmas?

It's not the big present, just a stocking filler.

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I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me...

..., My heart was beating so fast and the expectation was unbearable. It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, 'get that fucking trolley over here they're doing three crates of Stella for the price of two!!!!

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My missus said to me in bed the other night

"Why don't we do that dressing up thing again where you pretend to be a burglar, and blindfold me before you take me all rough"

I have absolutely no fucking idea what she's talking about

Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach

Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach and got a Tan.

When they returned it took them a Sec to find that they needed a new Cot.

My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

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whilst shagging my missus last night.....

Whilst shagging my wife last night, I huffed, rolled off and said, "It's like fucking an inflatable sex doll."

She looked at me completely shocked.

"You're not helping yourself here." I said.

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:



Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensiti...

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An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

Missus and I splitting. I blame her new job.

Ever since she started at EA, our definitions of "exclusive" have really diverged.

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What's the difference between a pay bonus and my penis?

My missus always blows my bonus.

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go
With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for
many years.

A few days before the group's annual departure date,
John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going. John's fishing buddi...

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Thought this one was odd enough to share

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as...

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So there's this guy, let's call him Paul Yankee.

So Paul Yankee had been dating this girl Wendy Norris for a few years, so he finally proposed and she said yes.

Fast forward to the wedding and they are the happiest people to ever exist. Mr Paul Yankee and Mrs Wendy Yankee decided to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. As a surprise for his ...

Fishing

I was out fishing yesterday when I heard a soft voice saying "Kiss me, then I will turn into your faithful mistress"
I looked down and saw a little frog, " I said "Was that you speaking"?
The little frog said "Yes, kiss me and I will turn into your faithful mistress"
So I picked the little ...

I'd like to drown my sorrows

but my missus doesn't go near water.

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A man calls the Aussie helpline...

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline... what's the problem?"

"I'm in Darwin with me missus. She's been stung in the cunt, now her pussy has completely shut!"

"Bummer."

"Thanks, mate. Didn't think of that."

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

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Pat and Mick were in the pub

Monday night and Pats at the bar when Mick walks in with a black eye.

Pat: "What happened you, Mick?"

Mick: "I was in Mass yesterday and Missus Mckenna was sitting infront of me when I notice her dress tucked in between her bum cheeks. So I pull the dress out but she turns around a de...

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English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub.

English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub. Discussing how to please their ladies. The Italian say I kiss my way down my darling's body and she floats off the bed. The French man says I use a feather to tickle her clitoris followed by tantalising licking and my love floats two feet in the ...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

So there's this salesman..

He's driving down the road, not in any particular hurry. As he's driving, he happens to looks down and sees a chicken running alongside the car. He takes a closer look, and sees it has three legs.

The salesman eases onto the gas. 45, 50 miles per hour; chicken's right there. He gives it a bit...

An irishman is at a bar

He goes to get up and falls flat on his face

" paddy, you've had enough to drink, go home" the bartender tells him

" I'm Irish, i can hold my booze, but i think its time for me to leave !"
He goes to stand up again and falls flat on his face.

" look, you live right next door,...

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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

Just sat on the end of the bed pulling off the boxers.

My missus says I’m spoiling these dogs.

It's a mailman's last day at work

As he makes his daily rounds, his usual customers hand him their regards. Housewives, businessman, children on their way to school--they give him assorted gifts, including chocolate, flowers, or a simple hug.

As he turns onto the next block, he sees the a blond housewife standing in beautifu...

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F*cking Audi four wheel drive!

It was a snowy wednesday evening. Snow had fallen for a couple of days, and the roads were treacherous.

A man walks into a bar, and while passing through the door he loudly clears his throat and spits in the corner, followed by a mumbled "Fucking Audi four wheel drive!".

He sits down, ...

I had my first UFO experience this morning

I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus "Morning fat ass".

Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.

Now, the Missus was never too happy about it. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin...

Golf Shoes

Paul, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitc...

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and.....

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's budd...

What do you call a stormtroopers wife?

Missus

I decided to get a toupee.

But I know my missus is not keen on the idea, so for now I'm going to keep it under my hat.

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Sexual technique

Three guys are talking about sexual technique.

The french guy says "after I have made love to my wife, she says she feels as if she is floating".

The new age guy says "after I have made love to my partner, she floats six inches above the bed".

The australian guy says "I don't kn...

A Toasting Contest

The first to toast starts, "Here's to music! It helps the liquor to go down smooth !"

A few men raise their glasses, "hear, hear!"

The second goes, "Here's to alcohol! It keeps the men warm and keeps the women looking pretty!"

More men reply, "HEAR, HEAR!"

The third man ...

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The art of sex [NSFW]

An English man, French man and Irish man are discussing the art of sex. The English man says "after I have sex with my wife i kiss her neck, she rises two feet off the bed with pleasure" The Frenchman says "well, after I make love to my wife I kiss her from head to toe, whispering sweet nothings t...

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Dave has a problem.

He cannot make his wife cum. So he goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too po...

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An Australian, an American and an Irishman working high-rise construction were sitting on a lunch break.

The Aussie opens up his lunch box and pulls out a meat pie and says, "Ahhhh shit! Meat pies again! I've had a gut-full of meat pies! Every day my missus gives me meat pies for lunch! If she packs me meat pies for lunch again tomorrow I'm gunna jump off this friggen building and kill myself!"
The ...

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Billy-Bob is passing by Clyde's hay shed one day....

....when, through a gap in the door, he sees Clyde doing a slow and deliberate striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.


Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender of his weathered Oshkosh denim overalls, followed by the left.<...

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The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum. Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded. Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened. Of course they both realize...

My wife saw a French cookery program on TV...

...so she sent me out at lunchtime to buy some snails. I got the bus into town, found a deli, and bought a bag of snails.

As I was walking back to the bus-stop, I bumped into one of my mates. "Kinygos, how's it going? I was just talking with the boys about you. Hey, they're still at the...

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An american tourist walks up to an Irish pub counter.

Sir, she says, I'd like to make a complaint. There is no lock on the toilet door.
Well ma'am, says the barman. My grandfather opened this pub in 1910, and ran it for almost 40 years. My father took over and he ran it for another 4 decades. Now ma'am, I've been running this place for 25 years myse...

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An Irishman walks into a therapists office...

**Therapist**: "So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Andrews?"

**Mr. Andrews**: "I feel guilty. I start drinkin' at noon 'til the missus comes 'ome, then she berates me for drinkin' all day instead of findin' work. We argue for a while 'til I'm fed up an' head down to the pub with the ...

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Guy comes home from work

Guy comes home from work and catches his mate shagging his wife so he stabs him to death. His missus says, "fucking carry on like that, you wont have any mates left".

Traveling salesman stops off at farm in County Cork, Ireland.

There he sees a pig lying about in his sty with an entire back leg and other body parts missing. When the farmer comes out the salesman rather than going into his sales pitch is overcome by curiosity and asks the farmer what is the story behind that pig.

"Ah, that pig!" says the farmer in a ...

Rodeo Position

Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say’s “I miss my missus, but when we make love it’s always the same”. Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks “how’s that?” “We alway...

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A Man Goes to a Tattoo Parlour

and asks the tattooist to tattoo $100 on his penis. The tattooist says sure and starts the tattoo. When he is just about finished he says to the man "I'm curious why did you want $100 tattooed on your knob?"
The man replies the he has three reasons
1. I like to keep a hold of my money
2. I ...

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Thumb sucking

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it

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An old couple...

An old couple has lived together for many years. They lived a happy and long life together. Every morning - the husband would wake up and let out a stinky, warm fart. This had agitated the wife and she would always tell him, that one morning he will fart out his guts. One day she decided to have rev...

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