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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.

"You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink.
"Not really." I replied.
"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, howev...

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My Missus packed my bags....

My Missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

**"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"**

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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, ‟Just because you are unwilling to try new things, does not mean everyone's that frigid.”

‟Not that,” she explained, ‟It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.”

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

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I spiced up our sex-life with some flavoured condoms....

My missus said, "Wow! This one tastes just like cheese and onion".
I said, "I haven't put it on yet"

I don’t understand my missus. First she says, “Yes, fine, have a tattoo!”

and now she’s moaning about all the bagpipers in the garden!

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...

So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate.

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician!"

Got the missus a new bag and belt for her birthday.

The Hoover works a treat now.

I’ve just asked my missus if I’m the only one she’s slept with.

She said ‘Yes. All the others were nine and tens’.

My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy.

She laughed.

Me and the missus broke up recently and decided to split the house.

I got the outside..

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I took the missus two paracetamol and a glass of water

She said "I ain't got a headache"

I said "That's good, any chance of a fuck"

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I got home late last night went to bed to try to wake the missus up for some fun

I sneak under the blankets and start licking her out, after about 5 minutes she screams squirts all over my face. I head to the bathroom, splash a heap of water in my face look in the mirror and find my girlfriend behind me. I get startled and yell "Fuck you scared the shit out of me" she replies "s...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

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My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.

I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"

"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl.

Steve and Buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I ...

Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.

“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

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The missus was not amused

A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of breasts are there?”

The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her bre...

Just sold the missus on eBay.

Well actually I sold a big box. The rest is a surprise.

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Just booked a table for me and the missus for Valentines Day knowing this is going to end in tears....

She’s shit at snooker

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Just bought the Missus a Pug dog. Despite the squashed eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fuck.

The Pug seems to like her.

I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present.

She said she hoped I kept the receipt.

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Bee Sting

An Australian is having sex with his wife, when a bee flies down and stings her on the pussy. He decides to call the Doctor

Bruce: "G'day Doctor, I was having a root with m' missus and a bee comes down and stings her on the pussy.... what shall I do?"

Doctor: "Bummer......"

Br...

A man left for work one Friday morning

but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade befitting his actions. ...

The missus wore a right slinky number last night!

Looked amazing coming down the stairs!

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys-only trip, do you think about me?”

Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

The Missus and the Ex

A man is at a party, chatting to John. Suddenly, his eyes widen and he quickly ducks under the buffet table. Curious, John asks him why he's hiding.


"Behind you... My wife's just found my ex."


John turns around to see the two women shrieking at each other, and promptly ducks u...

My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

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Went for a walk with the missus last night...

There's a beautiful spot on top of the hill not so far from here, on the way whilst walking down a quiet path she turned to me and said, "Give it to me, give it to me, I'm wet".

I stopped for a second and looked around, and then it dawned upon me "No fuck off, it's my umbrella".

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I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me...

..., My heart was beating so fast and the expectation was unbearable. It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, 'get that fucking trolley over here they're doing three crates of Stella for the price of two!!!!

My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was.

I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."

My girlfriend and I had to leave the restaurant early today due to insensitive people calling me a nonce and peadophile all because I'm 33 and my missus is 16.

It totally ruined our 10yr anniversary.

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My missus said to me in bed the other night

"Why don't we do that dressing up thing again where you pretend to be a burglar, and blindfold me before you take me all rough"

I have absolutely no fucking idea what she's talking about

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A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor says "What's your problem?" The guy says, Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work.

On the way to work I car pool with the next door
neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during
the ride to work..

Once I get to work I do some work and at morning
tea time I go into the photocopy room and have
it off with the one of the young office girls.

At lunch I take ...

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A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.

Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.

The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!

The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give h...

Patrick O’Leary passed away at his job at the brewery.

His workmates realized that they would have to be the ones to inform his widow of his passing.

They trooped over to Patrick’s cottage at the end of their shift and solemnly gathered in a semicircle before the door. The foreman politely knocked. Mrs. O’Leary opened it, and looked at the assemb...

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Do you think the missus will be pissed if I give her a wooden leg for christmas?

It's not the big present, just a stocking filler.

Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach

Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach and got a Tan.

When they returned it took them a Sec to find that they needed a new Cot.

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whilst shagging my missus last night.....

Whilst shagging my wife last night, I huffed, rolled off and said, "It's like fucking an inflatable sex doll."

She looked at me completely shocked.

"You're not helping yourself here." I said.

Just been told a woman won the grand national. Unbelievable.

No chance my missus would get over all those fences.

A married man invites his ex-girlfriend over for the night when his wife is out of town

Unfortunately, the security guard of his apartment building saw him with her.
He handed the security guard a crisp $50 and says: "Don't tell the missus about this."
To this the guard replies: "Man your wife pays a minimum of $100 evey time for this kinda stuff"

Missus and I splitting. I blame her new job.

Ever since she started at EA, our definitions of "exclusive" have really diverged.

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Dave cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

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I was in Walmart whit the wife

I was in Walmart whit the wife and put a bottle of whiskey in the trolley "what do you think your doing " Asked the missus " it's on offer $10 for 1 bottle " put it back we can't afford it. A few aisles on she picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley "what are you doing "I sed ...

Husband calls his wife at home and finds out she's in bed with another man

Husband (H) calls home and the cleaning lady (CL) answers the phone:

CL: Hello?

H: Can I speak to the missus please

CL: She's a bit busy now, she can't come to the phone right now

H: Why? What is she doing?

CL: She's in the bedroom with her friend

H: What fr...

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3 couples participated in an experiment about orgasms.

Each couple was shown a room with a bed full of sensors. Above the door leading into each room, was a special meter, akin to a speedometer, able to indicate up to 100.

So first round, couples do their routine stuff, and go see their meters. 20, 40, 60. There was a locked door however, the met...

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:



Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensiti...

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An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

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I’ve just got a part in a porn movie

I’m the guy that goes off to work while his missus waits in for the plumber.

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

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A guy walks into a urologist’s office:

- Doc, I’ve been a faithful husband for 30 years. I love my wife, but the spark is gone and I haven’t even been able to get it up for a year now. Obviously, the missus is very upset about this. Please help.

- You amaze me! Have you ever heard of Viagra? Here, take some of these to try and co...

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A Bar needs a new pianist.

A bar needs a new pianist, so the owner puts up a sign in the window.
“Pianist wanted, apply within”.

A couple of hours later, a young man walks in, and says he is there to apply. The owner sits him down at the piano, and the man breaks out into the most beautiful song ever heard.
...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

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So there's this guy, let's call him Paul Yankee.

So Paul Yankee had been dating this girl Wendy Norris for a few years, so he finally proposed and she said yes.

Fast forward to the wedding and they are the happiest people to ever exist. Mr Paul Yankee and Mrs Wendy Yankee decided to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. As a surprise for his ...

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A man calls the Aussie helpline...

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline... what's the problem?"

"I'm in Darwin with me missus. She's been stung in the cunt, now her pussy has completely shut!"

"Bummer."

"Thanks, mate. Didn't think of that."

An irishman is at a bar

He goes to get up and falls flat on his face

" paddy, you've had enough to drink, go home" the bartender tells him

" I'm Irish, i can hold my booze, but i think its time for me to leave !"
He goes to stand up again and falls flat on his face.

" look, you live right next door,...

I'd like to drown my sorrows

but my missus doesn't go near water.

Fishing

I was out fishing yesterday when I heard a soft voice saying "Kiss me, then I will turn into your faithful mistress"
I looked down and saw a little frog, " I said "Was that you speaking"?
The little frog said "Yes, kiss me and I will turn into your faithful mistress"
So I picked the little ...

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English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub.

English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub. Discussing how to please their ladies. The Italian say I kiss my way down my darling's body and she floats off the bed. The French man says I use a feather to tickle her clitoris followed by tantalising licking and my love floats two feet in the ...

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Pat and Mick were in the pub

Monday night and Pats at the bar when Mick walks in with a black eye.

Pat: "What happened you, Mick?"

Mick: "I was in Mass yesterday and Missus Mckenna was sitting infront of me when I notice her dress tucked in between her bum cheeks. So I pull the dress out but she turns around a de...

It's a mailman's last day at work

As he makes his daily rounds, his usual customers hand him their regards. Housewives, businessman, children on their way to school--they give him assorted gifts, including chocolate, flowers, or a simple hug.

As he turns onto the next block, he sees the a blond housewife standing in beautifu...

I had my first UFO experience this morning

I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus "Morning fat ass".

Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

So there's this salesman..

He's driving down the road, not in any particular hurry. As he's driving, he happens to looks down and sees a chicken running alongside the car. He takes a closer look, and sees it has three legs.

The salesman eases onto the gas. 45, 50 miles per hour; chicken's right there. He gives it a bit...

Just sat on the end of the bed pulling off the boxers.

My missus says I’m spoiling these dogs.

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F*cking Audi four wheel drive!

It was a snowy wednesday evening. Snow had fallen for a couple of days, and the roads were treacherous.

A man walks into a bar, and while passing through the door he loudly clears his throat and spits in the corner, followed by a mumbled "Fucking Audi four wheel drive!".

He sits down, ...

Golf Shoes

Paul, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitc...

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.

Now, the Missus was never too happy about it. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin...

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The art of sex [NSFW]

An English man, French man and Irish man are discussing the art of sex. The English man says "after I have sex with my wife i kiss her neck, she rises two feet off the bed with pleasure" The Frenchman says "well, after I make love to my wife I kiss her from head to toe, whispering sweet nothings t...

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An Australian, an American and an Irishman working high-rise construction were sitting on a lunch break.

The Aussie opens up his lunch box and pulls out a meat pie and says, "Ahhhh shit! Meat pies again! I've had a gut-full of meat pies! Every day my missus gives me meat pies for lunch! If she packs me meat pies for lunch again tomorrow I'm gunna jump off this friggen building and kill myself!"
The ...

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Sexual technique

Three guys are talking about sexual technique.

The french guy says "after I have made love to my wife, she says she feels as if she is floating".

The new age guy says "after I have made love to my partner, she floats six inches above the bed".

The australian guy says "I don't kn...

What do you call a stormtroopers wife?

Missus

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The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum. Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded. Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened. Of course they both realize...

I decided to get a toupee.

But I know my missus is not keen on the idea, so for now I'm going to keep it under my hat.

A Toasting Contest

The first to toast starts, "Here's to music! It helps the liquor to go down smooth !"

A few men raise their glasses, "hear, hear!"

The second goes, "Here's to alcohol! It keeps the men warm and keeps the women looking pretty!"

More men reply, "HEAR, HEAR!"

The third man ...

My wife saw a French cookery program on TV...

...so she sent me out at lunchtime to buy some snails. I got the bus into town, found a deli, and bought a bag of snails.

As I was walking back to the bus-stop, I bumped into one of my mates. "Kinygos, how's it going? I was just talking with the boys about you. Hey, they're still at the...

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An american tourist walks up to an Irish pub counter.

Sir, she says, I'd like to make a complaint. There is no lock on the toilet door.
Well ma'am, says the barman. My grandfather opened this pub in 1910, and ran it for almost 40 years. My father took over and he ran it for another 4 decades. Now ma'am, I've been running this place for 25 years myse...

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An Irishman walks into a therapists office...

**Therapist**: "So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Andrews?"

**Mr. Andrews**: "I feel guilty. I start drinkin' at noon 'til the missus comes 'ome, then she berates me for drinkin' all day instead of findin' work. We argue for a while 'til I'm fed up an' head down to the pub with the ...

Rodeo Position

Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say’s “I miss my missus, but when we make love it’s always the same”. Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks “how’s that?” “We alway...

Traveling salesman stops off at farm in County Cork, Ireland.

There he sees a pig lying about in his sty with an entire back leg and other body parts missing. When the farmer comes out the salesman rather than going into his sales pitch is overcome by curiosity and asks the farmer what is the story behind that pig.

"Ah, that pig!" says the farmer in a ...

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Guy comes home from work

Guy comes home from work and catches his mate shagging his wife so he stabs him to death. His missus says, "fucking carry on like that, you wont have any mates left".

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Thumb sucking

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it

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An old couple...

An old couple has lived together for many years. They lived a happy and long life together. Every morning - the husband would wake up and let out a stinky, warm fart. This had agitated the wife and she would always tell him, that one morning he will fart out his guts. One day she decided to have rev...

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