How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?

They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he be...

A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.

Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.

So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.

Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire....

My dad divorced my mom, and instead married our staircase

I guess now I have a step mom

I caught my wife cheating. This isn’t the first time. I have asked her to leave the family home. I have filled for divorce and will ask for full custody of the kids and the dog. I thought 2020 couldn’t get much worse.

Hopefully this is the last time she steals monopoly money, when playing as the banker.

Why is getting divorced so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

A little boy’s parents were getting divorced and he was in front of the judge....

“Well, little boy, I’ve decided you’re going to live with your mother.”

“NOOOOOOOOO! Not my mom! She beats me!!!!!” Screamed the kid.

“Oh. That’s terrible. Ok. Well, your father, then.”

“NOOOOOOO! Not my father! He beats me, too!”

The judge was totally perplexed. He has n...

An ancient married couple visits a divorce attorney

"So you want to get divorced? Exactly how long have you been married?" the lawyer asks.

The husband looks out the window and mumbles "72 years".

The lawyer raises his eyebrows and asks "So, uh, why is it that you want to do this?"

The man replies "Because we *hate* each other...

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But Mickey, you can't divorce Mini just because you think she's dumb.

"I didn't say she was dumb. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce,

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce, and they're fighting over custody of Baby Bear.

The judge interviews him to help decide who gets custody. "OK Baby Bear, since your parents are going to live in two places, we have to figure out where you live. Do you want to live with Papa Bear...

Why did Jeff Bezos get divorced?

He realized his marriage was a union.

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

Why did I get divorce?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work half-heartedly and even my colleagues didn't wish me happy birthday.

As enntered my office, my secretary said, "Happy Birthday, boss!". I felt so special. She asked m...

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Judge, "on what grounds do you want a divorce?"

Husband "my wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every fucking day!!"

Judge "You mean to say she's severely Alcoholic and cheats on you everyday?"

Husband "No, She's out looking for Me!!"

A divorced father picks his 5 year old son up for their weekend together.

After they have lunch the father says “what do you want to do now, son?”

Kid says, “I want to go back to Sea World!”

“No, son, we’re not doing that.”

“Please”

“No”

“Pretty please?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“You just got here. I don’t feel like taking yo...

A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer sa...

Why was Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer getting a divorce?

Because every time his wife went out, she'd end up blowing 50 bucks

What do you call a group of divorced mutants?

The Ex-Men.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it’s worth it.
r/buyitforlife

I learned a lot from my divorce.

Do you know they won't sell you a gun if you're crying?

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse in the divorce courts

And the judge says to Mickey
"I'm sorry Mickey I just cannot grant you a divorce as just because you think Minnie is ugly"

And Mickey says
" I didn't say she was ugly I said she was fucking Goofy"

[NSFW] Why did the gardeners wife file for a divorce?

Because he didn't want to de-flower her

My wife said she'd divorce me if I kept making Shrek puns

I told her to get ogre it

Cardi B just filed for divorce from her husband for cheating on her with her thinner twin sister

Cardi O

Chad wants to divorce his wife.

He files a court case and during the hearing, the judge asks him why.

He respond by saying - she doesn't satisfy me anymore.

The wife quickly replies - Your honor, the entire neighborhood is satisfied with me, he is the only one who's never happy.

Instant divorce

[ Heard this joke in my mother tongue so don't know how impactful it is in English]
A man comes home drunk.
Man(to his wife): Woman you're fat, ugly and stupid.
Wife: You're a drunkard
Man: Well, I'll be ok by tomorrow morning. What about you?

Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog...

...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

Divorces

If a man and woman are divorced in Arkansas, are they still brother and sister?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse wants a divorce

So he goes to see a divorce lawyer.

Mickey: ... and that’s the situation.

Lawyer: you can’t get a divorce from Minnie just because she’s a little weird.

Mickey: you don’t get it, she’s really fucking Goofy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Divorce

Did you hear about the chinese couple who got divorced?

She went back to Peking and he went back to Wanking.

Jeff Bezos had to divorce his wife last year.

He was shocked when he found out that marriage counted as a union.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."...

Son: "Hey Dad, Happy 25th Anniversary. Jeez! Almost all my friend's parents are divorced. What did you have to do to stay married for this long?"

Dad: "Keep mum."

My son wrote to Santa Claus asking him for his divorced parents to be reunited

What a terrible way to find out Santa isn't real

I remember when I divorced my wife...

.. she insisted on dividing everything up fifty-fifty. She took half the dishes; I took half the dishes. She took half the furniture; I took half the furniture. I mean, right down to the pets. She wanted half the cats; I got half the cats. She wanted half the fish; I got half the fish. She even wa...

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom.

There he saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his roo...

My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Why did the dentist and the manicurist get divorced?

Because they fought tooth and nail.

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

Why did the crabber's wife divorce him?

He was a shellfish lover

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

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I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

Why was the divorced fish so upset?

He was making abalone payments to the tuna 300 clams a week.

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Girl goes to a lawyer and says she wants a divorce

Lawyer asks 'Why?'

'I caught him jerking off to a shower scene' she answers.

'I can understand that's upsetting' the lawyer replies 'but is that something worth separating over?'

'He was watching Schindler's List!' the wife answers.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

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A truck driver gets really screwed over by his lawyer during his divorce.

He becomes so sour about it that every time he sees a lawyer on the street while driving his truck, he screams "LAWYER!" and swerves onto the sidewalk to run him over.

One day he's driving and he sees a nun with her thumb out asking for a ride, so he pulls over and lets her in.

They're...

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Mickey mouse goes to a lawyer about getting a divorce

The lawyer says "Look Mickey, I understand you want a divorce but you can't get one just because you think your wife Minnie is really stupid"

Mickey replies "I didn't say she was stupid, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

Wife: “I want a divorce”

Lawyer: “Thats fine, just call him in here and tell him

*Husband comes in*

Wife: You act like a detective too much, lets split up

Husband: Good idea! We can cover more ground that way!

Why do tennis players have a high divorce rate?

Love means nothing to them

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

What do you call a southern divorce?

A secession from the union.

One of the founders of a large company called Aloecorp, Inc. recently got divorced

His wife is seeking aloemoney

The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes

Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019

Did you hear about the man who blamed arithmetic for his divorce?

His wife put two and two together.

Why don't cannibals eat divorced people?

They taste too bitter...

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[NSFW] A Lawyer Marries a Woman who has had 10 Divorces.

On their wedding night, she tells him, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in sof...

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Recently divorced young actress looking for new husband

A recent divorced pretty young actress posted on internet that she is looking for new husband that never hit, never run and good at sex. Next morning she heard someone banging on the door extremely loud. She opened the door and saw a man without arms or legs.

"Who the hell you think you are...

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

A very old couple is seeking a divorce

The attorney asked: "How long have you been married?"

"60 years" the old man said.
"61!" the old woman corrects him.

"Well why now? Why do you want a divorce"? asks the attorney.

"I've wanted a divorce for at least 50 years" says the old man. "I cannot stand this woman. Ne...

My cross eyed wife and I are getting a divorce..

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

What’s even worse though, is that found out that she was seeing someone on the side.

The stock market crashing last week was worst than a divorce.

Lost half of my money AND the wife is still there.

My bodybuilder friends are getting a divorce

They clearly weren't working out.

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(NSFW) My wife wants a divorce.

She told me, "You always have a dirty mindset wherever we go!"

I told her, "Baby, I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination!"

That's when the shit hit the fan. My whole room started to smell and I realized I don't have a sexy imagination, nor a wife for I am a redditor.

What do Coronavirus panic in England and divorce in the United States have in common?

They’re both commonly caused by BBC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went to a protest together and now she is asking for a divorce.

I don't understand why. I tried fucking the police like she said.

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

A man is getting a divorce with his wife

The man sits down with his daughter to break the news to her. The daughter is visibly upset and asks why.

The man explains gently, “Your mother and I don’t love each other anymore honey.”

“What does love mean dad?”, the daughter asks.

“Well, an example of love is when you come ...

A judge in divorce court looks at the man and says, "I'm giving your ex-wife $950 per month alimony.

Fantastic, your Honor. And I'll kick in a little something myself.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce.

Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-ified. "So naturally when I am hom...

What is the reason for divorce?

Judge: "What is the reason for divorce?"

Applicant: "I found out that he was the owner of the apartment we used to rent for 2 years?"

After the divorce went through, Kevin felt...

Unbridaled joy.

What's a really good silverlining about getting a Divorce in Alabama?

When it's all said and done, you are still brother and sister.

My wife divorced me because I'm a weatherman.

That wasn't what I predicted

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

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Mickey Mouse finds himself in front of a divorce hearing..

Judge " Mr. Mouse I can't see on these grounds to grant the divorce on the fact Miney Mouse is fucking silly"

Mickey Mouse " Your honor I never said she was fucking silly I said she was fucking Goofy"

One my dad loves to tell from time to time.

What do a hurricane, a tornado and a red neck divorce all have in common?

In every case, someone loses a trailer.

Now that I have officially divorced my wife, and she has chosen to keep my last name.

I wanted to be clear that you cannot trust a word she says.

Regards,

Mr Information.

Why did the man with a wheelchair want a divorce?

Because his wife was always pushing him around and talking behind his back.

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

After the whole Goldilocks affair, the Bears were getting divorced. (long)

After the whole Goldilocks affair, the Bears were getting divorced.

Mama Bear didn't buy the whole "this bed's too hard, this bed's too soft, this bed's just right..." BS!

The judge was deciding on the custody arrangements for Baby Bear.

The judge asked Baby Bear, "Baby Bear do ...

Divorce joke

What's the difference between divorce in the South and a tornado? Nothing. Either way someone who is in the trailer.

Now you know

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In t...

Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fi...

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Polish Divorce

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed f...

The best part of getting a divorce is the food fight at the end

I love me a good old custardy battle

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Mickie and Minnie

Mickie Mouse returns home one day after a long day of work at Disney. He opens his front door to hear a great commotion coming from the bedroom. He quickly runs up the stairs and throws open the bedroom door to find Minnie in bed with his best friend Goofy.

Outraged he gets into a fight w...

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A recently divorced man...

A recently divorced man, feeling a bit down in the dumps, heads to his local bar. After about 15 minutes, a beautiful woman sits down next to him and strikes up a conversation. They’re getting along great, talking away, when the woman confides to him that her husband divorced her because he thought ...

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"

Ma...

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I met a sorceress in the desert once

She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced

Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly ...

Nobody wants to be alone. A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald.....

I don't like her chances.

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Divorce Attorney

Squeezing Every Last Drop

Out of Ya


A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A w...

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

An old woman was being interviewed regarding her pending divorce...

An old woman was being interviewed regarding her pending divorce. The judge asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About a four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said. "I mean what is the foundation o...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

Why do divorces cost so much?

Because they’re worth it.

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who knows; they never get the house.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff

Divorce is like an Ionic bond.

They completely steal your electron. You're stuck together by the electrostatic force. And when you finally dissociate they still keep all your stuff.

Why I'm divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will reme...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the profiterole who went to divorce court?

She got full custardy.



I missed my cake day but there's my shit joke.

What’s the number one cause of divorce?

Marriage

Why did Mrs Claus divorce Santa?

Because of the *ho ho hoes*!

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

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