The 94+ Best Divorce Jokes

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas, she said a divorce.

I said "you can fuck right off, I'm not spending that much"

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"I'm sorry." The Judge asked Tony Stark. "You want to divorce Mrs. Potts because she's a tad weird?"

"No!" Tony exclaimed. "I want to divorce her because she's fucking Strange."

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

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"Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because

she was extremely silly?????"

"No, I said, she was fucking Goofy!"

Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar.

"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.

"Fu***ng looking for me."

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?...

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“A divorced dad, a Nazi, and a crazy person walk into a bar…”

The bartender looks up from polishing a glass and says “Oh, hi Kanye.”

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you...

Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.

100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

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What did Lily Potter ask James when he handed her divorce papers?

Are you fucking Sirius?

How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?

They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

Story of my divorce

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi...

Good reason for a divorce?

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have a couple of acres outside the town, but it does have a big lawn and some fruit trees so it's not like empty ground."

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, ...

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

Why did the musician's wife file for a divorce?

She was sick of the domestic violins.

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost ...

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't be...

I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

Husband: "I want a divorce...

My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

Why I'm divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will reme...

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”

“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.

He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”

A man stood outside of his house after a bitter divorce and he noticed a crate of beer bottles.

He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife.
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't have children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a job".
When he took the fourth bottle, h...

A man called up his son and told him that he and his mother were getting a divorce...

"Wait", said the son. "Why?"

"I know I didn't say anything about it but I've been miserable for months now and I can't stand it anymore."

"No! Don't! Why didn't you ever say anything about this?"

"Well, I just didn't want to bother you and your sister. I've already got my bags a...

If two white supremacists get a divorce...

Do they still consider each other "cousins"?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, ...

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court

The judge looks at the papers and says to Mickey,

"So it says here that you are filing for divorce on the grounds that your wife is mentally insane. Is that true?"

"I didn't say she was insane!" exclaims Mickey,
"I said she was fucking Goofy!"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

Divorced man gets 3 wishes

A man, who was recently divorced from his wife was roaming thru the desert randomly struck his foot on an ancient Arab lamp and *WOOSH* out comes a magical genie

[Genie] You have awoken me and now you may have 3 wishes....but remember anything that you wish for your ex wife will receive doubl...

A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.

The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"

"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

My stoner neighbors got divorced

but it's okay because they got joint custody

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Mickey Mouse goes to see a divorce lawyer.

The lawyer says, "So you're divorcing Minnie because she's totally crazy?"

Mickey huffs and says, "No! I'm divorcing her because she's fucking Goofy!"

44% of Marriages end in divorce.

That means 56% of marriages are fatal.
I love statistics.

Divorce VS. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharma...

I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me.

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.

In the divorce court today

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

There was once a man who got a divorce...

And there was a very good reason for it.

See, he woke up on the morning of his birthday and went downstairs for breakfast. He ate his breakfast, grabbed his packed lunch and coffee, grabbed his car keys, and took off to work. He was absolutely appalled, however, that not his wife or any of hi...

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Donald Duck wanted a divorce for Daisy

His lawyer tells Donald, "I am sorry, but you can't divorce Daisy just because she is insane."

Donald replies, "I never said she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy."

my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?

and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?

He refused to let go of all those irritating ho’s.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

Divorce is a psychological process

One is psycho, the other is logical

Getting divorced just because you don't love a woman is almost as silly

as getting married just because you do.

An Elderly Couple Make an Appointment with a Divorce Attorney

The attorney is perplexed:

“You’re over 90 years old, and you’ve been married for close to 7 decades! Why, after all this time, do you want a divorce?”

The couple look at each other:

“We wanted to wait until the kids died.”

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the o...

My wife asked me for a divorce today, citing that I was too "un-American".

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Why did Mattel never make a divorced best bud for Barbie's Ken?

Because he would forever be Bro Ken.

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A man goes to visit a divorce attorney.

"There's just no saving this marriage," the man says, "so I want to make a clean break."

The attorney sighs and consults his notes. "Well, sir, your cited grounds don't make you look good. According to you, your husband is quite the philanthropist... but you're mad that he's distributing clas...

Why did Yellow divorce Red?

Because Red Blue Green

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"I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

A man trudges into a bar and slumps down on a stool.

"Hey, buddy," the bartender says, "you look pretty down. What's eating you?"

The man sighs and shrugs. "I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

"Isn't that just a bunch of Victorian costumes, usele...

What did Yoda tell Anakin after sleeping with Padame behind his back?

May divorce be with you

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

what does a tornado in Texas and a divorce have in common?

Either way someones losing a trailer

What's the number one cause of divorce?

Marriage.

My wife filed for divorce because I am a weather reporter.

That was not what I predicted

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!

 

 

 

### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…

…but I just love him more…

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

What do a tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Someone's going to lose a mobile home

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhapp...

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

My wife told me she wanted a divorce because I'm a fan of The Monkees.

At first I thought she was joking but then I saw her face. Now I believe her.

Why Did The Baker's Wife Divorce Him?

Because she caught him giving away too many creampies!

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...

They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

What's the difference between a Tornado, and a divorce in the south?

Nothing. Somebody is losing a trailer.
-Robin Williams

How was Santa's divorce like a run-on sentence?

It was two independent Clauses with nothing between them.

Why did Barbie divorce Ken?

Because the box he came in wasn’t hers.

Why is a stock market crash worse than a divorce?

Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there

An elderly couple in their 90s go to a divorce lawyer.

They tell him they'd like to file for divorce. He looks at them and asks, "Why would you get a divorce at your age?" The husband replies, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

After her divorce, Susan was very picky about her dates. Finally she met a talented and funny young gynecologist.

He checked a lot of boxes.

What do you call a man who's lost 75% of his brain capacity?

Divorced.

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A divorced man is walking to town...

And discovers an old lamp in oddly impeccable shape glistening through the bushes. He decides it's worth a closer look, walks over and picks it up.

All of a sudden a genie pops out and tells the man in his booming voice "You have three wishes, but be careful; for whatever you wish, your ex ge...

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