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Moment Jokes

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

America is going through such bad luck at the moment

It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" he cried with teary eyes. At that very moment he vowed...

.. to never visit Thailand again!

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

At any given moment the urge to sing Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim-away...

...a whim-away,a whim-away,a whim-away...

Legend has it there was a Sensei who is said to have bested all of his opponents by waiting for just the right moment to strike

He went by "Tai Ming"

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try ...

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work

to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue'

I just cant put it down.

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

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Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...

I think I managed to cover my tracks...

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

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I’m dating a linguist at the moment.

I’m like: “Yeah, suck it good, bitch!”
She says: “Suck it _well_!”

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

“Wow, that’s impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know"...

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For a brief moment in history, people would listen to Bryan Adams and mutually perform oral sex.

It was summer of 69s.

Can we have a moment of silence for the late Bob Saget

............ yep, that's what his audience sounded like.

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Embarrassing moment at docs

I was sitting in the doctor's . The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc,I said . "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

I live each moment as if it’s my last.

That’s why I’m always clutching at my throat, gurgling, while cutting people out of my Will.

Let's just take a moment to salute the genius who invented the vibrator.

"If you build it, they will come."

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All the sperm cells are getting ready for that moment when they would race down and be the first to impregnate the egg.

The day finally come, they felt vibration and began racing down the shaft. The cell in first place is so excited he could almost see the end. Then all of a sudden, he turns around, waves at everyone behind him and yells, "Turn around, turn around, it's a blowjob!"

Exchange rate is pretty rubbish at the moment…

€60 will only get you one pound… at the Dutch brothel.

Damn you Food Network, you had me excited for a moment!

Turns out "Beat Bobby Flay" is a *cooking show*. Had me actually interested to tune in for a moment.

That awkward moment when

That awkward moment when the woman you’re dancing behind bends over so you can grind it. But it turns out she just dropped an earring, and no one else in Mcdonalds can hear the music on your iPod.

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"Let me take a moment, just sit right there...

... I'll tell you how I slapped the shit out of Chris Rock on air."

For a moment there, I was really worried about salami...

Thank God they found a cure.

A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking...

the wife said to her husband, "Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?" The husband thought for a moment and then said, "Well, yes I think I would." The wife wasn't too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought. Then, after a while she said, "Honey, if I were to die and you wer...

This moment when your husband comes into the bedroom...

... tells a joke, and the guy in the closet starts laughing.

I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,

and I was thinking.

"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

Had an embarrassing moment earlier. Farted really loudly when I lifted something heavy....

Had to apologise to the guy at the next urinal.

I still remember the exact moment when I found out that JFK was assassinated.

On the internet, checking out his Wikipedia page.

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

From the moment I saw my wife's abacus tattoo,

I knew I could always count on her.

I was lost in the woods and I found a dead hooker..

At that moment I knew I'd been walking in circles.

My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "probably failing my driving test."

Senior Moment Explained

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor cons...

What’s the most intense moment in history?

When the mission to take the first cow into space commenced.

The steaks had never been higher.

Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

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The Bicycle: "A teaching moment"

A Priest was about to finish his ten-year tour of missionary duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives about the Bible and Christian values, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them was how to speak Engl...

Happy moment

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

I wanted to take this moment to say that I endorse podiums.

Now that’s a product I can stand behind.

The moment I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof

I was shocked

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

Sudden realization moment

While speaking with my dad, he said to me "Gandhi fasted so long that his frame was rather frail, and when he ate the strangest fruit his breath was often stale, and he walked barefoot so hardened bottoms were his diagnosis."

Oh my God, I can't believe it...

He was a Super Callous Frag...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

What was pavlov's least favorite moment in his career?

Winning the No-bell prize.

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Just made this up: whats the no.1 movie for fish at the moment?

JAMES POND. NO TIME TO FRY!

That moment when someone says "Hello"

and you panic and think you have suddenly friends, but that "someone" behind you just answered the phone.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a moment...

Light a man on Fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

That Awkward moment when you pay $2 for Evian water

and notice if spelled backwards your Naive

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

I’m in hospital at the moment

Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

Blonde Moments

There are these two secretaries, a Blonde and a Red Head and the Red Head gets flowers sent to her.The Blonde says, Boy those sure are pretty.
The Red Head says, Yes and I will probably have my legs behind my head all weekend. The Blonde says, Why? Don't you have a vase?

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A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

One moment everything's fine, the next you've ruined everything.

You're like a boolean china shop.

I'm teaching my Grandson the alphabet at the moment, starting with the hardest first four letters..

..the rest is just e-z

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As you grow up, your top proud moment in life is when you can ride your bike without holding onto any handlebars. Your next proudest moment is when...

you can stick your dick in without using any hands. It gets second place because you can't shout out, "Look ma, no hands!"

I just downloaded Luis Suarez best moments video

It was only three megabytes

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

When you know from that very first moment of meeting someone…

That you want to spend the rest of your life without them…

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Can we just take a moment to appreciate toilets?

They take a lot of shit from us and they're still there for us.

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At the work place Karen was having a Karen moment. Can people fucking stop calling me "Karen" It's so fucking offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Fucking Cunt....

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

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One great moment in school.

Boy: The principal is so dumb!


Girl: Do you know who I am?


Boy: No...


Girl: I am the principal's daughter!


Boy: Do you know who I am?


Girl: No...


Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

A book fell on my head a moment ago...

I can only blame my shelf.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement...

her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"

The daughter shook her head sadly...

"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

awkward moment in shop for 2 old ladies...

A pair of old ladies are waiting in line at the checkout, with a cucumber each.


When they reach the checkout the young man says to them they can have both cucumbers for 80c or a store special of 3 cucumbers for a $1.


One lady turns to the other & says:


'Wel...

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

A Moment of Silence

Let's all spare a few moments of silence for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

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A man is sitting for a job interview when the question is asked by the interviewer,

“What is your biggest weakness?”


The job candidate thinks for a moment and answers “honesty. Honesty is my biggest weakeness.”


The potential employer replies “I don’t think honesty is a weakness!”


The man replies “I really don’t give a fuck what you think!”

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

I'm taking a beginner's class in sculpture. At the moment, I admit my work is sort of rubbish.

But when I'm finished, I'm sure it will be *complete* rubbish.

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I'm organizing a convention for a charity that develops and donates devices which provide audible alerts for deaf/mute individuals at their moment of orgasm.

We'll let you know who's coming.

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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

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You know that awkward moment when you're cumming and your mom starts calling you?

Me neither, when I masturbate I normally am the one who calls out her name.

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

I'm writing a book on how tornados and hurricanes develop....

At the moment it's just a draft.

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

Why do twins usually know each others habits so well right from the moment of birth?

Because they have been wombmates for 9 months already!

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

Tender Moments!!!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through the bad...

Sad moment today when I ran over a box of shrimp

Road Krill

Your moment of Zen

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" ask...

A man goes before Saint Peter...

Saint Peter asks 'Where were you born?'
The man thinks for a moment and says 'Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.'
'Where did you go to school?'
'Poland, Lwow.'
'Where were you married?'
'The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.'
Surprised, Saint Peter asks 'Where was your first child born?' ...

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Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!


Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

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This is a great moment!

Today is the birthday of the hero that killed hitler!!

I'd like to take a moment to say thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.

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A young vaccum cleaner salesman on the first day of the job knocked the door of a house. The moment they opened, he poured a bottle of dried dog poo on their carpet.

"If I cannot remove all the poo from the floor within the next 10 minutes, I will lick them off myself " He said in a confident tone.

The owner gave him a packet of mints and said

"Here is for your mouth after you complete, my electricity got cut off only today today morning due to lat...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

A man is having his final moments in his bed.

A man is having his final moments in his bed. Beside him were his sons Brock, Kenneth, Connor, and Dominic. He was struggling to say his final words but he managed. "Boys it's time, but before I go I want you to do me a favor. I want you all to combine the first, second, and third letters of you fir...

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

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