UPJOKE
secondhourtimeinstantmomentmindegreejiffyhrmoment of truthnarrowbitunit of timecarefullittle

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance.

I really shouldn't be a paramedic.

20 minutes

Late at night, a cop was driving past a well known lover’s spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.

The cop drives up to the car, to get a closer look.
He sees a young man behind the wheel, browsing his phone, and a young woman in the rear seat, also browsing her phone....

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

Did you know that a school of hungry piranhas can eat a man's flesh in a minute?

Sadly, I also lost my job at the aquarium.

My friend recommended that I try a sensory deprivation tank but I got out after 5 minutes…..

I wasn’t really feeling it

What's worse than rushing to the liquor store 5 minutes before it closes?

Getting there 30 minutes before it opens.

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will be

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

1 minute chuckle

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back
to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and sh...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

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Did you know that a pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes?

Well, your mom’s did last night.

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

A minister asked me, "Why do we spend hours on the internet but only minutes on our knees?"

I said "Golly!, reverend Keller, my boyfriend can't last that long.

A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby".

Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".

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My wife and I had sex for 3 straight hours last night…

We did some role playing. I played the doctor, she played the patient who was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

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A woman meets a panda at a bar and they go back to her place..

They end up in the bedroom and one thing leads to another.

The panda goes down on her while jerking himself off but after only a minute he stands up, ejaculates all over her, then turns around and heads for the door.

"What the *hell*? ..where are you going?" the woman asks.

"You...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

In New York, someone is mugged every 14.5 minutes.

Why doesn't he move away?

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept

and the hours are lost.

new milk cow

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.



The people did some research and found that they could travel and buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal,

they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

...

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

I visited a fortune teller at a fair. They were quite grumpy and told me I was going to die within minutes.

I walked out of the tent and tried to find another for a second opinion. They were a little angry, and said i would live forever. I didn't like the sound of either of those outcomes so kept looking around, but just couldn't find a happy medium.

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Tattoo

A man wanted to get a tattoo. The only issue was, the tattoo was an devilishly intricate design. He went to his local tattoo parlor, only to get turned away as the artist was not skilled enough. He tried again in a busy parlor in the middle of a nearby city, only to be told it was too difficult once...

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

I don't mean to brag, but I solved a puzzle in 10 minutes...

Even though the box said 2-4 years.

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Why is viagra just like Disneyland?

It's a 1 hour wait for a 5 minute ride.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

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[Final Cake Day joke] A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.


The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.


He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to tak...

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

What’s giggling, red, and gets smaller by the minute?

A masochist with a cheese grater

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

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Superpu$$y!!!

There's a crazy old lady in a nursing home. She goes up to the receptionist and tears open her robe, revealing her naked body. She yells, "SUPERPUSSY!" at the top of her lungs and walks away.


Next the old lady goes into the rec room where other residents are basket-weaving, watching TV ...

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

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A guy walks into a brothel

John: I've been coming here for a while and it's becoming a bit routine. Have you got something different to try?

Madame: Well we do have a girl with a glass eye...she takes it out a let's you fuck her in the eye socket

John: OMG that's crazy, I'll have to give it a try

15 mi...

Today is my birthday but it’s a shame that I only get half a minute to celebrate…

Because it’s my 32nd birthday

A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"

The man replies, "No! Idiot! I'm her husband!"

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly comi...

What

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this ...

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Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

[NSFW] What is a guaranteed way to make a Weiner hard?

Put it in the microwave for about 2 minutes.

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

A Crossfitter, a Vegan and an Atheist walk into a bar....



I only know because they told *everybody* within two minutes of walking in.

Two Swedish models, Astrid and Ebba, are at a photoshoot

The photographer takes a few shots, takes a minute to switch to a different lens, spends some time adjusting the camera to the new lens, and then resumes.

After he's repeated this process a few times, Astrid gets visibly frustrated with the continual delays to the shoot. She turns to Ebba and...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

I put on my resume that I can type 700 characters per minute

Which is true, but apparently they expected these characters to form words.

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

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A husband gets into bed with his wife.

A husband gets into bed with his wife. He's feeling especially horny and starts kissing and caressing her. A couple minutes into foreplay and the wife stops her husband.

"Sorry, honey we can't do it tonight. I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning."

The husband rolls ...

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A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke in...

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares.

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm st...

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

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Last winter I was at work...

Last winter I was at work and my wife text me saying "Windows frozen". I sent one back saying "Pour lukewarm water on it". A few minutes later she text back saying "The computer's completely fucked now."

An 89 year old man goes to the urologist

"Doc," he says, "I need a vasectomy."

"A vasectomy? Why in the world would you need a vasectomy at your age?"

"Well doc, I just married a beautiful 22-year-old woman, and last night she told me she was pregnant! I can't have more kids at my age!"

The doc thought for a second an...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

A man walked up to the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in the supermarket?" "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman is intrigued and asks him, "Why?"

The man replies, "Because every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere".

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire l...

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A final CIA test for three men

An American, a Russian and a Bosnian man get to the final test to be admitted to the CIA. An American enters a room where he sees his wife Jennifer. A voice says: " There is a gun on the table, your last test is to kill your wife, no questions asked." American points the gun, but after a while gives...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms

The pharmacist asks "How Many"

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. So can I get 10?" The young man m...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

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A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the s...

Grandpa’s 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he sta...

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.

"Hello!"

"Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake."

"But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..."

"Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

"Ok honey, I need you to go...

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

Incredibly Fat lady and her Super Fat husband complained at me for standing in line for all of 5 minutes.

"Sorry about the weight."

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Guy comes back from deployment after a year...

And immediately when he gets home, he shows his wife a new trick he taught himself. He drops his pants and looks at his member and says "Soldier, ten-hut!"
His member immediately shoots errect.
She finds this ammusing.
"Baby," he says "there is more."
He looks down at his member and says...

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Sa...

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent.

"You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

A lion notices a monkey by a river, dipping a banana peel into the water

He watches her for a few minutes, as she dips the peel, keeps it under water, and then takes it out, watches the water a bit, repeats. Finally, the lion gives up trying to make sense of the sequence.

"Hey, monkey"

"Hey, lion"

"What in the world are you doing?"

"Ten bucks ...

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Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa are sitting on the veranda of the old folks, home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs.

Grandpa rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"

Grandma rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!"

Grandpa becomes very ...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are driving in a truck.

On one cold icy day a blonde, brunette and a red head decide to take a drive.

The brunette as the best driver in icy conditions decides to drive. The red head decides to ride passenger because she keeps the best eye out. The blonde decides to ride in the bed of the truck because she’s dress...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"
...

After a tiring day

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman that was sitting next to him pulled out her phone.

When she pulled out her phone, she started talking to someone in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart, it's me, I'm on...

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The five minute management course

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before ...

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi go fishing

After rowing thier small boat to thier favorite spot, the priest says to the rabbi;

"This a great spot. Lots of nice fish"

After about an hour, the priest stands up announces he needs to answer the call of nature, steps out of the boat and walks across the water to shore, disappears f...

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Guy says to a Blonde girl.

Guy: I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits.
Blonde: No way.

Blonde: Go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

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A nun goes for a bath

Ten minutes in there's a knock on the door. She looks around to grab her towel but must have left it in the bedroom. She peeps out the window to see who has called.


''Who's there'' she yells
" Hi Sister Kathleen, it's the blind man " is the response


" He's probably loo...

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

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The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few ...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

It's my cake day! Here's my favorite blonde joke.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette tells her s...

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

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Shame on you Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli cass...

An unhappy couple go to a marriage counselor

He tries to work with them, but they absolutely refuse to talk about anything in front of each other. The counselor gets fed up, gets his bass out, and starts playing it.

The couple sit there looking at each other dumbfounded. The counselor keeps playing. After several minutes of this, the c...

Two men entered heaven…

and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life”

the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.”

Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter...

I asked him to heat up the Vietnamese soup...

and he immediately left the house and came back 20 minutes later with a Fajita!

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A priest is in a hurry...

He runs from his home and hails a cab. When he gets in he tells the taxi driver "I'm in a huge hurry, if I don't get to the airport in 20 minutes I will miss my flight!"

"No problem" Says the taxi driver and then he floors it. He drives like a maniac through the city, dogging in and out of tr...

Maker

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as you...

A kiss for $100 dollars

A husband decides to make a quick run to the store, while his wife waits at home. A few minutes after he leaves the house, his guy friend shows up, hoping to speak with him.

Seeing that the husband is not home, the friend says he’ll come back later but is invited in by the wife. As the two o...

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A lady on the bus next to me this morning was sneezing, about every 3 minutes.

Each time she sneezed, her eyes rolled back, she gave a moan and shuddered.
Curiosity got the better of me after about 15 minutes, so I asked her if she was alright. She said, "Yes". Then she explained she had a very rare condition, whereby every time she sneezed, she had an orgasm!
I asked if...

Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.

(OC)

One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp.

“I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish.”

The first academic ponders for a mome...

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

Timbuktu (NSFW)

Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said "sorry, there's only room for one of you." The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer.

"I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the bes...

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had Tennis Racquets in theirs.

My girlfriend thinks I’m terrible in bed.

Kind of an unfair judgement to make in less than a minute.

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The average male ejaculates after approximately four minutes.

Call me a prude all you want, but I think that's far too young.

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Accident in the Golf Club

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby…

He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.

She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a doctor.

Reluctantly he agreed.

She gently took his hands away, unzipped his...

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

A man walks into an empty bar

He orders a pint and sits at the bar.
Suddenly he hears a small voice saying:
"That's a lovely shirt you're wearing mate. Suits your body type really well and the pattern is very stylish"

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone other that the bartender. He shrugs and goes back to hi...

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Guy sitting in the STI specialist's waiting room.

Getting worried and a man he knows walks in, so they sit and talk for a minute. "Man," he said, "Never thought I'd see you in here, you're always so fucking careful. What happened?"

"Nah," the man replies, "Dunno, work up this morning after a night out and I got this real red ring around my ...

A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says "through the miracles of science, we've invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?"

So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it's only fair that they share the pain together.

They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says "ok listen I know this is going to be super painful so let's start it at about 3."...

A tramp walks into a bar

and the barman says “no thank you, we don’t serve your type in here”
The tramp replies “it’s ok, I don’t want a drink, I just want a toothpick.”
Confused, the barman gives the tramp a toothpick and he leaves without causing any trouble.
The barman goes back about his business and tried to...

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A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

A New Navy Recruit Details His First Day On The Submarine…

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

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A guy turns to his colleague and says "man...this minute I get home, I'm ripping my wife's panties off". The colleague asks "why...you really horny?"

And the guy replies "no...the elastic band in them is too tight and its killing me."

A naked police officer came to work

A naked police officer came to work and his commander, shocked, asked him: "why did you come naked?"
The police officer said: "There was a party last night I attended. At 00:00 all lights went off and we were in the dark. All of a sudden a voice said that all females should undress. You could h...

I've just spent the last 20 minutes talking to someone about size 15 Chuck Taylor shoes.

It was a lengthy Converse-ation

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My first joke here.

A woman goes to an expensive carpet store in hopes of purchasing a new area rug.She spots a beautiful rug after a few minutes of searching and goes to check it out.As she bends down to touch the rug she accidentally rips a silent but deadly fart.
A salesman notices her from afar and comes to assi...

The Ministers Wife

Jack goes to his friend Joe and says, *"I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"*

Joe doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the service, Joe starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid...

(DnD, Spoken) What do you get if a couple of monks in a row, all hold their attack action?

A delayed punchline



Works better if you say it and then just wait a minute before saying the answer, just wanted to share it here, feel free to give thougths on improvements.

Little Timmy is called by his parents.

Father: "There's no easy way to tell you this: you have been adopted."

Timmy: "Whoa! Am I going to meet my real parents now?"

Father: "We ARE your real parents. And now go pack your bags. You're going to be picked up in 30 minutes."

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