My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes.

An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irish...

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I managed to have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour 30 minutes doggy style last night...

That’s 4 minutes in human time.

The 10 minutes I spend on my phone before I sleep

Are the best 3 hours of my day

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

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Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

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I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.



And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

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I met my fiancee’s 85 year old great uncle the other day. A few minutes later he told me this joke.

Two friends, both ten years old, were hanging out after school one day. One of the kids turned to the other and asked “hey, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” The kid said no and his friend looked disappointed.

Determined to find the answer for his friend, he rushes home to find t...

If a woman says she'll be ready in 5 more minutes, she will.

You don't need to remind her every 15 minutes about it.

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Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

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An elderly man walked into a waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?” “There’s something wrong with my fucking dick”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discuss...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

A guy walks into a quiet bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the ba...

Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

I went to the Gym today. I spent 20 minutes bending, stretching and pulling...

... and when that was done my gym clothes were finally on and I could start my workout

The original "You won't last 5 minutes playing this game" was invented in

Guantanamo Bay.

An anti-vaxxer, a flat earthed and an scientist walk into a restaurant. They see a sign that says “Finish our famous 32 oz steak in 15 minutes with 2 friends, win $200! Entry fee: $50” The scientist looks at the other two and says “are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?”

He takes a brief pause and then says “Oh yeah I forgot, you two can’t think.”

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

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A recent study says sex burns 3.6 calories a minute...

So that’s why I’m fat.

I’ve been trying to come up with an amputation joke for the past 30 minutes.

I’m stumped.

My 4 year old nephew just came up with this joke and proceeded to laugh for 20 minutes after saying it...

When Batman cracks a joke...
He becomes the joker

What do you call something that is going to die 10 minutes after you see it for the first time?

Every mom in every Disney movie

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed.

while using my phone’s flashlight.

The roof was caving in by the minute. I spent my few seconds deciding what to do...

And then it hit me.

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."


He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."


The Father says, "You need to say 40 H...

just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

I’ve been in jail for 5 minutes and I’ve already been beaten twice

I hate playing monopoly with my dad

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.

He is obviously drunk.


So the bartender says to another man in the bar, "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."


The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.


They drive along and the drunk points out his ...

A first grade teacher is looking to kill a few minutes at the end of the school day.

She asks the kids if any one has an interesting story that happened with their family.

One kid stands up and blurts out, "Last week my uncle fell down the well"

The teacher gasps and asks "Is your uncle ok?"

"I think so", answers the kid.

" What do you mean?", said the te...

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

I have a plant in my garden that will kill you if you sit under it for just ten minutes

It's called a water lily.

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

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I asked a newly immigrated Asian lady for a phone number.

She replied "Sex free sex, free sex tonight"
Took me a minute to realize she meant "636-3629"

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

Every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes of your life.

And gives it to Keith Richards. Do your part to keep him immortal.

I once spent 5 minutes trying to remove a photocopied image of a staple from a document.

Nothing worked until I xeroxed the staple remover.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

Unfortunately, I lost my job at the aquarium.

My Favorite Politics Joke

A man goes to heaven.

He sees thousands of clocks everywhere.

He asks god why there are so many clocks.

God says that everyone, living or dead has a personal clock, and every time they tell a lie, it ticks one minute.

The man asks where Hillary Clinton’s clock is. ...

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An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”



The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”



A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”



After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touc...

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

New research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy and as good for you as a 20 minute jog.

So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence

What do the last ten minutes of Dexter and the last season of Game of Thrones have in common?

They ruin eight years of your life.

I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was

In the end I had to call it a day...

An Iguana can hold it's breathe for up to 28 minutes

or longer if you don't mind it dying.

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

Wish me luck in the London Marathon today. I managed a respectable, 3 hours, 12 minutes, last year...

This year, I will try to beat that but, I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else...

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There was this guy at a bar looking at his drink but not drinking. He stayed like this for half an hour. A few minutes later, a big built truck driver walks in and sits next to him and takes the drink from the guy & gulps it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver perplexed asks the guy, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown ass man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears.

"Today is the worst day of my life.

...

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A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

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If it takes less than 5 minutes, do it right away

You won't believe how much Sex I am having since following this simple advice.

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I was walking down the street the other day when I slipped and fell in dog shit a minute later some guy did exactly the same

So I said to him, ”I just did that”.
He punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

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After months of trying, I was finally successful in giving my girlfriend an orgasm that lasted a full five minutes last night...

I guess it was a long time coming

I went to Walmart today and I was there for literally 5 minutes....

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and sta...

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

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If your roommate made you watch a movie and left after 10 minutes, it would be a dick move.

My point: Old people should not vote.

The pub is ten minutes from my house...

However, my house is two hours from the pub...

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Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

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There's a sucker born every minute...

...in the maternity ward of Willy Wonka's Lollipop Hospital.

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

What's it called when a rapper goes to the gym for 20 minutes?

A Lil Pump.

One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

5 Minutes !

The police just knocked on my door and asked “Where were you around 8.05pm last night sir?"

"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8pm to make love."

"Yes officer, that's true," my wife shouted over, "But god knows where he was at five past."

I lost 5 pounds in 10 minutes!

But I wouldn't go in that bathroom for at least an hour...

2 guys walking along the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad or wh...

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

19 minutes until Valentines

If I kill myself right now, I'll get flowers later.

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An Indian man is sitting in first class on a plane, he presses the call button for a stewardess, but no one goes to his aid for ten minutes. A stewardess finally comes over and the man says to her,

“I have been fingering you for 10 minutes and you haven’t come!”

Which birthday do you celebrate for just 1 minute?

Your 62nd birthday.

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

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I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

It always bothers me when I tell my wife I’ll be home in 10 minutes

But she continues to call every half hour anyway

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