99 bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code!
Take one down, patch it around.
127 bugs in the code.

Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

What do you call a cabbage patch doll with a yeast infection?

Saurkrout

I read a post that said the billion dollars we donated to Notre-Dame could have gone to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch

Do you know how much bigger it would be if we put a billion dollars into it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

Someone asked me what I thought about Sour Patch Kids...

My opinion of them is bittersweet

What Does EA Call A Patch?

Next year’s game.

What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs and an eye patch?

Names

What do you get when you throw an epileptic into a lettuce patch?

A seizure salad

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you know what we call the patch of hair between grandma’s breasts?

Her vagina.

What do you call a berry patch on a windy day?

Blewberries

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the wate...

A farmer kept getting water melons stolen, so one day he puts a sign up that says 'one of these watermelons is poisoned' next day he gets up and goes out to work in his watermelon patch and sees another sign

'now there are two'

I’m missing my eye patch.

Please keep an eye out for it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a real life pirate. He had a patch over his eye, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg.

I asked what happened to his leg. He told me he got shot with a cannon, and it took it clean off. I asked why he has a hook for a hand. He said that a shark bit it off while he was out at sea. I asked what happened to his eye. He told me a seagull pooped in his eye. I said "that can make you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest is playing golf and he’s having a rough patch...

...until he gets to hole 5. When he hears a voice saying use the 7 iron. He looks down and sees a frog. The frog says use the 7 iron. The priest thinks fuck it... uses the 7 iron and gets a hole in one. He picks up the frog and listens to its instructions and plays the best game of his life. He says...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mickey and Minnie were going through a rough patch in their relationship.

They felt as though their relationship was on the rocks so they go to marriage counseling.
After some time spent, the counselor asks,
“So you’re upset because Minnie is absurdly silly?”

Mickey: “NO, it’s because she’s fucking Goofy!”

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.


EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

A couple with a rough patch go to councelling

A married couple hit a rough patch, so they book to see a relationship counsellor. The counsellor tries a few therapy techniques, but nothing works, it's like talking to two brick walls. Finally, he picks up a bass guitar and starts to play, simple at first, then gradually more and more intricate. T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who put a nicotine patch on his penis???

He said it's working, he's down to 2 butts a day!

The best thing about being tall and having a bald patch...

Is that people think you're just tall.

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

An old pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch walks into a bar

The bartender says:

”Whoa, that’s quite a get up you got there! Tell me how you got that peg leg.”

The pirate explains:

”Yarr! Ah lost me leg in a mighty battle with the toyal navy!”

The bartender asks:

”Wow, how about the hand?”

Pirate:

”’twas me old...

An American backpacker stumbles upon a patch of magic mushrooms while traveling through the jungle.

He decides to make his adventure even more adventurous and eats the mushrooms.

A couple minutes later, everything starts to seem vibrant and oddly colorful.

He starts to hallucinate.

He follows what appears to be a trail and runs into a French chameleon.

The chameleon s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the ...

"Hey bro, nice soul patch!"

\- "Thanks!"

\- "No problem; my girlfriend has the same thing, just not on her face."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Potato Patch

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

The Patch

Two Texas rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a DPS roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and...

Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye?

It's his private eye.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

Sour patch kids remind me of my mom.

She was sour, sweet, then gone.

I'm so glad they released a patch for my car

The windshield was starting to get buggy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men start talking at a high school reunion.

“It’s been a long time, what have you been up to?”

“I’m a business man now, I run a very successful company”

“Ah, I can see that by the briefcase and suit”

“What do you do?”

“Oh, arrr, I’m a pirate.”

“Ah, I see that by your peg leg, hook and eye patch. How did you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How the Pirate got his patch

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were ...

What type of facial hair does a ghost have?

A soul patch

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the priest that had a Nicotine patch on his dick? (NSFW)

He's cut back to two butts a week

Elephant in the vegetable patch

An elephant escapes from a zoo and ends up in a little old ladies vegetable garden and starts munching. Having never seen an elephant in her life, she freaks out and calls the police.

"There's a giant creature in my yard and it's pulling out my vegatables with it's tail!"

"What's it do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman's panties...

If a woman's bra is an Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder

And a man's underwear is an Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut,

Then does that make a woman's panties a Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Newfie Joke

Three Newfies are out for a fun Friday night. They throw a box of beer in the back of the car and go for a drive. As the guy in the back is taking a swig he notices a cop behind them. "QUICK", he says, "drink your beer, there's a cop on 'r arse." But its too late, the lights are on, he's pulling the...

John Silver was enjoying his rum in a bar when..,

...a seaman walks up to him and starts chatting him up.

The seaman notes that Long John Silver has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

Long John Silver replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept...

Wife told husband that she has gained a lot of weight lately and wants to lose weight

Husband: There's a very effective weight loss patch. You'll lose 10 pounds in one week. The most important thing is that it's really cheap.

Wife: Oh wow! I need to have one. Where do you apply the patch?

Husband: On your mouth.

Help needed!

I need some advice on a pretty serious decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. There have been a few signs which I think I may be taking the wrong way and wouldn't like to falsely accuse her, but the number of these little warning flags keeps i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

How can you tell when a pirate has been to the Apple store?

He's wearing an iPatch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John is sitting at a bar when a drunk biker comes up to him and says, “I fucked your mom.”

So John knocks the guy out with one punch.

Next, a huge-looking man with an eye patch and a scarred face walks up to him and says, “I fucked your mom.” John knocks that guy out with one punch, too.

Finally, an old, frail-looking man goes up to John and says, “Hey, bitch! I fucked your ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Particular Gardener (OC)

A gardener was starting a new job on a beautiful property, its driveway lined with fir trees, peacocks roaming the grounds, and a beautiful water feature in the middle of the round drive-end in front of what could only be described as a mansion.

As he hopped out of his truck this rather elega...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man got a flat tire...

A man got a flat tire. After pushing the car back home, he inspected the tire and found it severely damaged. Not wanting to throw it away, he tried to patch the holes, but there were too many of them. So he called his friend, a mechanic, to see if he could fix it.

"Wow, what a mess."

"...

Pirate

A pirate walks in a tavern, and sits by the bar.

Barman asks:

\-So, where you got this prothesis leg?

Pirate anserws:

\-It was really long ago. A shark got on the ship, and bit my leg off.

Barman asks another time:

\-And, where you got the hook in place of h...

Our new Space Force is exploring mars

The new Space Force has finally arrived at mars, and an exploration ship has been investigating the snow and ice covered North Pole area.

A field biologist excitedly rushes in to his general, and exclaims, “Sir, incredible news! We have discovered a strange, silicon-based form of life in the...

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

A pirate walks into a bar...

And it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender notices that the pirate has an eye patch, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg. The bartender asks:

"What happened to you?"
The pirate says, "well where do i start?" Pointing down to his peg leg, he says "a while back, I was on top of me ship, scannin the horizon, when a rogue w...

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."


"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."


"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eye...

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 fleas meet in the city...

One of them is coughing hard and seems to be really sick.
The other one asks: "what the F happened to you?"
The other replies: "I did something stupid. I crawled into the mustache of a biker. Shit got cold quickly and now I'm stuck with the flu."

"Man that sucks, but I know something...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was crossing the countryside in his car.

He had already been on the road for some time and he had a good way still to go when his motor hiccuped and died, and refused to start again.

The man popped the hood open and spent a few moments just cursing about the situation and trying to fix the engine, but he was no mechanic, so it seeme...

I just saw my dad slumped over the lawn mower crying his eyes out...

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch...

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.
<...

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

What did the pumpkin do when he ripped his pants?

He sewed on a pumpkin patch.

what happens if you get bitten by a yeti vampire

You get frostbite (this joke was brought to you by a sour patch kid gogurt)

My pirate friend's marriage is failing, his wife and him don't see eye-to-eye

But, I'm hoping they can patch it up...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was out golfing

He shanked his ball off the tee,

When he found it, it was sitting in a patch of butter cups.

He lines up to take a swing and hears "don't hit the buttercups" he looks around but see nothing

Sets up for another swing " don't hit the buttercups" looks around, he see no one.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

How’d you fix a jack a lantern?

You use a pumpkin patch!

I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey.

It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin.

Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the male ...

Rabbi in a Taxi

There's a rabbi in a taxi, going through the city for a meeting. Everything is fine, the driver is nice and all. Suddenly, as they're waiting for the green light, a gang of big black guys shows up, armed with baseball bats and stuff. They start hitting the car, break the lights, get the driver out a...

A woman with a glass eye

A woman with a glass eye was married to a man with a nasty disposition. The husband would punish her for having dinner late to the table or if the house cleaning wasn't spotless. His punishment was to take her glass eye and lock it in a password protected safe.


One day while the husban...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Seagull poop (longish)

{From my childhood - no idea who to credit}



A man is sitting at the bar alone when suddenly, in walks a pirate.

The whole place goes quiet as the pirate walks to the counter.

He orders a drink and noticed the man is staring at him, eyes wide.

The pirate says, "Wha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy

So billy is in school and teacher asks the class "if you could be covered in anything what would it be?"

One student puts his hand up and says "gold miss, I could then buy a Lamborghini"

"Well done" says teacher

Another boy puts his hand up and says "platinum miss, it is worth m...

I'm not usually one to brag about my chick-magnet prowess...

but that hot girl with the eye patch keeps winking at me.

What did Apple release to help blind people?

An iPatch

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Horse and the Chick

The horse and the chick were best friends. One day when they were walking around the farm together, the horse fell into a patch of quicksand. He couldn't get out no matter how much he struggled. The chick suddenly had an idea:

"I know! The farmer just bought a new Porsche SUV. I'll use that t...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

A little boy is walking along the beach when he sees a pirate.

Excited, he runs up to the pirate and says "Mr Pirate! How did you get that peg leg?"

The pirate says "Argh, one day me ship was in a battle on the high seas, and a cannonball came over and lopped me off at the knee. Tis the life of a pirate."

The kid's eyes get really big, and he sa...

Why a man doesn't drink milk

A man was out in his garden one day, an activity he enjoys daily. He likes growing different plants like flowers and vegetables, and he's gotten very good at it. He recently learned that ants can aerate and help water travel through the soil, so he had recently placed a few colonies of ants througho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink..

Bartender looks at his peg leg and says, "Hey. What happened to your leg, buddy?"

Pirate says, "Ohh, I got me leg blown off by a cannonball years ago."

Bartender starts pouring another drink, sees the pirate's hook and says, "Wow! What about your arm?"

Pirate says, "Ohhh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man bought a horse whose previous owner had Tourette's [a campfire story--profanity warning]

Bear with me while I provide you with some more relevant details--the man first. His name was George. He was in the market for a fine horse, a quick horse, and one with stamina and perseverance. A horse to explore with.

The horse--The horse was absolutely ideal--he was young, he was fast, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Greg goes to get a physical

During his physical, the doctor asked his patient (Greg) about his daily activity level.

Greg responded: '"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Good worker

A man came to a job interview.

The boss asks "What do you have to offer?" and the man replies "I am a good worker." and he gets hired (I know, easiest interview ever).

Anyway, the first day of work, his boss goes to the office to check on him but he couldn't find him. He asks around if...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pirates were talking, the second one with a pegleg, a hook, and an eyepatch

Pirate 1: arrr, how ye get that peg leg

Pirate 2: arr, ye was thrown overboard 'n got attacked by a shark!

Pirate 1: aye, that is unfortunate. How ye get yer hook?

Pirate 2: got in a sword fight, me opponent was good, cut me hand clean off!

Pirate 1: arr, be happy ye stil...

The Superiority of Rabbits

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few d...

Three boys sitting on a curb...

Three boys sitting on a curb looking across the street at a Porsche, Corvette, and a Mercedes Benz.
The first one says, 'When I grow up, I want to be a football star so I can buy me a Porsche just like that one'.
The second one replies, 'When I grow up, I want to be a famous actor so I can buy...

A man is driving in the the remote wilderness of central Iceland

when his car broke down. After trying in vain to restart it, he got out, opened the hood and started tinkering with the engine. He was about to give up hope when he heard a voice behind him.

"That'll be your alternator. You've got an uneven air gap between rotor and stator and it's causing it...

Two farmer brothers were being recognized for their contributions to the Kingdom...

The king and his daughter came to their farmlands personally to thank them for getting the Kingdom through a tough winter.

The brothers gave them their house for the night and slept in the barn. The king's daughter, who was an early riser, set out for a walking tour of the property at first l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Robert

“Did you know there’s 1.5 gallons of blood in an average person” One of the girls at our lunch table looked at him in disgust, and looked away.

Robert was a weird ass kid. None of us were friends with him, and we didn’t pay any attention to him, so it was a surprise to see his greasy self sit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pirates, Morty and sol are at a bar

Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.

The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and ca...

Counseling

There are three married couples, a couple married one year, ten years, and twenty-five years. All three couples are in a bit of a rough patch, and the wives happen to seek counseling from the same counselor.

The counselor suggests each of wives to try spicing up their love life. "Before your ...

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals.NSFW

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He laughs and says,'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

Why couldn’t the robot pirate acknowledge his crew?

He was waiting on an “aye” patch.