There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

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How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

I went fishing but my hook fell off, then my line broke, then my pole snapped.

In frustration I threw my broken pole into the water where it hit a fish and killed it.


It was a fluke.

I can't help but feel partially responsible for this cold snap.

Somewhere out there, my ex must have opened her legs again.

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Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.

"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."

The Ukrainian f...

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

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What do a bungee jumper and hooker have in common?

They are fast, cheap and if the rubber snaps your fucked.

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A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 60th birthday.

During this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

“I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.”

The guests shakes their heads in disbelie...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

Speeding Pope

A guy gets a job as a high profile chauffeur and his first assignment is to pick up the Pope from the airport.
"You know," begins the Pope, "they never let me drive myself back at the Vatican. What do you say I drive a few blocks then you can take over?"
After arguing for a while, the chauffeu...

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

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Celibate

A young monk is being shown around the abbey by the abbot. They come across the scriptorium.

“This,” the abbot announces proudly, “is where we make copies of the Bible. They all come from here!” He says, pointing to a giant book chained to the center of the room.

“That’s the original...

Speeder

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

Quasimodo is about to ring the bell for 3pm when the rope snaps.

He knows he has to ring it but doesn't know how. Then he has an idea. He takes a big run up and uses his face to ring it. Bloodied and cut he does it again. Battered and bruised he does it one more time, but the bell swings back and knocks him off the tower down to the floor below.

Lying dea...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heave...

A Soviet airline pilot had to land in East Berlin, but couldn't find the airport.

Finally the German ground controller snapped and asked him: "Have you EVER flown to Berlin?"

The Soviet pilot says "Yes, many times, but we didn't land there."

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fin...

Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to snap twice

A new invention

An inventor walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "Let's celebrate!" the inventor tells the bartender. "My latest invention is finally in production and will be on the market soon ... just in time for this crazy cold snap that is coming next week." "What is it?" the bartender asks. "It'...

my from 10y daughter. so proud!

Yo mama is so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven!

Yo mama is so fat, when Thanos snapped his fingers, only half of her dissappeared!

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

A vampire dies and he goes to the heaven

And he meets the God, the God says:

"I see you were a good vampire, never hurts any human, and only feed on ox blood, didn’t you?"

"Yes, yes my lord." The vampire answers humbly.

"So," the God says, "I will give you a chance for you to choose your own next life, you could be a...

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

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An explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest...

(long but I don't believe I have seen this yet)

A rich explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest. He has heard of all the wondrous wildlife there is to see, so he sets off with a guide and travels deep into forest. The deeper he goes, the more magical and strange the creatures...

Squidward finally snapped, and used his clarinet to stab Spongebob.

Killed him with A Sharp Instrument.

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A bear and a rabbit are arguing in the forest...

The genie is quite sick of hearing them so he decides to do something about it.

"Gentlemen!" He exclaims, popping up between them in a puff of sparkly blue smoke, "You are clearly not happy. So, to mitigate this, I shall grant each of you three wishes!"

"OH! OH! I shall go first!" The ...

Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun...

It was founded by his Great-grandfather in the 1800s. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.

After his death, he lef...

So there’s these three Catholic priests go fishing at the local lake for the day

While their there, they notice that the fish aren’t biting. They’re bored out of their minds until one of them says something about it.

The first priest mentions that “We always give confession amungst others, but we never have the opportunity to give it amungst ourselves.”

The other t...

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"Anything these days," I told my wife.

She frowned at me.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

She sighed and shrugged.

"Are you crazy, honey...

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A USMC veteran decides he wants to die in a very badass way.

After some time thinking, he figures the most badass way to die is while rowing across the Atlantic (keep in mind, he's a Marine; not too bright). So he makes his way to the East Coast, buys a dingy, and gets to rowing.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MARINE CORPS! MARINE CORPS!" he eagerly chants as...

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

"What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almig...

I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger

Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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A lone camel driver was about to embark upon a long journey from west Sahara to Egypt.

He packed all the gear he could think of for the journey that would last for a couple of months. No thing had escaped his mind. Lots of water, food, first aid kit, even three toothbrushes to last him the whole way.

Only after a week, well into the desert did it dawn on him that while he had r...

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A man walks into a bar with a brown paper bag.

He goes to the bar and starts to pull things out of the paper bag. First he pulls out a tiny little piano. He then pulls out a tiny little bench for the piano. Finally he pulls out a tiny little man and sits him down on the bench at the piano. The little man starts playing beautiful piano music. ...

My friend has been terribly depressed since he went bungy jumping and the cord snapped.

He just hasn't bounced back.

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why doesn't that just defeat the w...

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

One morning, Mr. Johnson was driving home from his night shift. He had worked hard all night and his home was about an hour away from his workplace, so he decided to take a nap.

He pulled his car over to the side of the road and closed his eyes.

Fifteen minutes later, he was awakened by a jogger tapping on his window. Mr. Johnson rolled down the window.

"Do you know what time it is?" asked the jogger.

"No!" snapped Mr. Johnson. He rolled his window back...

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My girlfriend phoned me while I was on the graveyard shift.

"There are three blokes standing outside," she whispered nervously. "I think they're going to break in to our house!"

"If they force their way in," I replied, "don't let them have anything good. Alright?"

"OK!" she snapped. "I'll try my best."

I said, "No TV, no PlayStation, non...

Can I talk to President Trump?

Long one pardon!

„One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked ...

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Today I snapped and spanked one of my students for being disrespectful in class.

My son better be more respectful to me during this quarantine school situation.

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A parrot said to his owner one day: Go fuck yourself. The owner didn't really care. The next day the parrot said again : Go fuck yourself. The owner was trying to ignore it but the parrot did not stop. After some time the owner said if you insult me again i will snap your neck.

The next day the parrot said :Hey
The owner said :What
The parrot:You know what.

A young woman approached a salesman in a department store and said, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."

The salesman motioned with his finger and said, "Come this way."

"If I could come that way," she snapped, "I wouldn't need the damn vibrator."

My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

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What's 12 inches long and snaps a cunt?

A selfie stick

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A man walks into a bar.....

This man walks into a bar. He sees that there are only two people there. The bartender and a lady sitting at the end of the bar. He also notices several odd things, like groups of animals and various other odd sights. He goes to the bartender and asks 'got a light, and what's up with this bar?' The ...

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

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NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

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"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

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The teacher asks the class to use 'diction' in a sentance

Little Johnny stands up and says "oh, I know, I put polish down my pants and then my dick shone."

"That's inappropriate. Now, can anyone use 'fascinate' in a sentence?"

Little Johnny stands up again "my aunt Bertha has a coat with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only faste...

Paranormal happenings in the Navy

Just found out that the USS Enterprise (CVN-65, sorry to Trekkies) was haunted. The apparition of a human figure, from the waist down and appearing to have been messily severed from the rest of the body, would walk the ship’s passageways.

While nobody is sure of the ghost’s identity or the ex...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

My wife said that I'm a neglectful father.

"What are you talking about?" I shouted. "I took our daughter to the park this morning."

"Yes," she snapped. "And you ought to have brought her home with you."

Tried to snap pics of a ghost with my phone but they came out dark

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak

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A semi-long joke. (Trying to be original.)

A horse walks into a Zaxby's, looking to quench its thirst, and trots up to the counter.

"I'd like a large diet coke please." Requests the horse politely.

The cashier looks bewildered but doesn't respond.

Thinking he wasn't heard, or perhaps the cashier was distracted, the horse...

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God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,

"What am I going to do with this useless tit?"...

When Thanos snaps...

Avengers: Oh no, he did it he managed to get rid of half the universe we did not stop him there is no hope. We are in Endgame now.

Karen: ThE VaCCinEs TurNEd My KIdS tO DuSt !!!!!

What’s the difference between a chick pea and a snap pea ?

I’ve never had a snap pea on my face before.

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"This dog in the park just snapped at one of our kids," yelled my wife over the phone. "The little shit!"

I said, "Well, at least he didn't get the nice one."

This chap lives alone and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company...

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede.

"OK," thought the man, "I'll give it a go..."

So he bought a millipede, took it home, and for lack of advance preparations, made it a temporary home in a cardboard box.

That evening testing his new pet, he lea...

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A 7 foot tall giant of a man walks into a bar...

...carrying a brown box. Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.
 
He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it ...

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On a train in the Soviet Union

Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he co...

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

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My go to joke- Guy sees “piano player wanted” sign window..

So he goes in, says he wants the job. Manager says, “alright, but 1st I gotta see if you’re qualified” So he plays a song and it drops the managers jaw “wow! That was amazing, was that Beethoven??” “No” the man replies “that’s an original. I call it ‘your tits are so big, my eyes are poppin outta my...

Thanos snaps his fingers

Only 3000 people in China disappeared

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An ensign was spending his first few days aboard a submarine learning his duties and a litany of regulations.

His job was unusual, but simple; tend a pair of oxen in a miniature field on deck 7. The purpose of this agricultural endeavor was to see if crops might one day be grown inside a spaceship; a submarine was an adequate stand in.

He had never driven cattle before, but in short order, he got th...

Ugly Ones

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous.

God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throu...

What snapped harder than Thanos' finger?

Gwen stacy's neck

My roommate is very untidy and never cleans the place. I finally snapped and told him he needed to do his share

His response: “If I could turn back time, If I could find a way….”

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

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A priest and an atheist are playing golf.

The priest is okay, but the atheist is shit. He keeps missing his shots. Every time he misses a shot, he says ‘Damn, missed!’ The priest got more and more agitated at the use of the word ‘damn’, and eventually snapped. He said, ‘Do not use that word or God himself will strike you down!’ There’s an i...

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

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NSFW: hope this isn't a repost, never seen it here, but one of my favorites I heard at least 20 years ago . A woman is walking alone on the beach one day....

Enjoying the beautiful day when she stubs her toe and stumbles over something in the sand. She turns around and is stunned to see a genie rising from smoke out of a lamp. The genie looks at her twirling his goatee and informs her he can grant her one wish. She takes a moment to ponder her decision a...

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, a...

I had a punchbag suspended from the ceiling by a line, but the line snapped...

...I thought that's a terrible punchline.

What part of the body hurts the most when it snaps?

Thanos

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A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and ...

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A homeless, a homosexual and a drunk guy end up in heaven

God comes to them, points at the homeless and says:

-I will give all of you another shot, but if you ever take even a coin without earning it, my lightning will strike you

Then he points at the drunk guy:

-If you ever drink alcohol again, same will happen to you

Then he p...

When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.

I'm so glad my family is save.

Thanos would have made a great President.

He would have achieved social distancing in a snap.

So some crazy golfer snapped and stabbed a Mexican guy...

It was a hole in Juan.

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Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

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In the middle of a show, Bono starts snapping his fingers. He says: "Every time I do this, an African kid dies"...

A voice from the audience: "Stop snapping, you sick fuck!"

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

So I'm watching Phase 3 of the MCU

Oh snap.

...

Don't feel bad if you didn't care for that one. There's about half the universe that agrees with you.

What snaps, crackles and pops when you throw them on the ground?

The elderly.

You would think that I would eventually learn

That not everyone is grateful when you try to help them. I was driving the other day and saw an old guy trying to cross the road. I pulled over, turned on my blinkers and went to assist the fellow. This guy turned around, and came after me, and tried to bite me. Snapping turtles are a hell of a lot ...

Blackberry Hill

A man tending bar was working as usual with a small number of people. A guy walks in with his pants slung over his shoulder, clearly sweating, his hot dog on full display. The bartender takes one look at him and asks, "What happened to you?"

The guy responds "I was on top of Blackberry Hill."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

Walk

I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, ...

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