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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

[Rant] I think it's stupid my friend is having a meltdown over missing a puzzle piece for his 10K puzzle

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.

When my wife came home from work, I said, "Sit down, I've got some bad news. The cat's torn your budgie to pieces."

She replied with tears in her eyes, "We don't have a cat." I said, "I know, I had to borrow one."

I got a job at a chess piece factory recently...

...I'm on the knight shift next week.

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 pieces of cake?

Diabetes! We’re you expecting a Pi joke?

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What’s the difference between Ted Cruz and a 300lb piece of festering shit filled with corn?

The corn.

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

There's never any good jokes about pieces of paper.

They're all tearable.

I thought I saw my ex today, but it was just a piece of feldspar.

Maybe she was right, maybe I did take her for granite.

Losing weight is a piece of cake

Just don’t pick it up

I recently ordered one piece of sodium and one piece of copper.

When the delivery guy showed up, I noticed that he was only holding the sodium. I asked him,

"Did you have the copper with you?"

He replied,

"Na right now, Cu later."

What do you call a piece of charcoal at the end of a wire?

An amateur electrician

How does an uncreative redditor get karma... Piece of Cake

Or a repost, evidently

What did the piece of sellotape say to the sheet of paper during the zombie apocalypse?

We should stick together.

A piece of string goes in a bar...

A piece of string goes in a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve string here."

The string comes back later and the same bartender off working there and kicks him out.

The piece of string unravels his ends and loops around and throug...

When the cheese factory exploded, people found pieces of it miles away

There was de Brie everywhere

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

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What do you call chess pieces that have sex together?

Pawn stars.

What do you call a piece of paper that can sing

A rapper

My neighbor asked if I could pitch in money to help him buy the world's largest piece of sports equipment, and then get 5 friends to also.

I refused. I know it's just a big racket.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage

The sign says it is bread in captivity.

What is DNA’s favourite piece of clothing ?

Jeans (genes)

A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital.

Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.

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My buddy went to Australia and said he found a large piece of marsupial dung

What a quokka shit!

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall

1: don't tell people everything

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A blonde walks into a bar holding a piece of shit

“Hey everybody, look what I almost stepped in!”

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

A piece of bread walks into a bar.

They say,”Hey, can I get something?”

The bartender responds with,”No, sorry. You may not be served.”

“Why?”The bread asks.

“Because we do not serve food.”

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."

Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.

He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable pos...

A little boy is ostensibly fishing in a mud-puddle with a stick and a piece of string...

A man passes and with a warm chuckle says "What are you doing there, Son? Fishing?"

"Yeah Mister." the boy replies. "I'm gonna catch some big fish and sell 'em to buy my mammy some flowers for her birthday."

"That's a good boy." the man tells him. "I'll tell you what- here's a fiver. Y...

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

Two pieces of Road walk into a bar

They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.

15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.

The bartender notices this ...

Two cowboys are riding the range on a bitterly cold day when one of them vaults out of the saddle and picks up a piece of a frozen cow pat.

He rubs it on his mouth for a moment and then throws it away. As he remounts, his pard gives him an odd look, so he grunts "Chapped lips".

"I see," says his pard. "That helps 'em heal, does it?"

"Nope," says the first cowboy, "but it sure stops me lickin' them."

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“

“It was 1959“, says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at h...

One from my nephew: Whats Scooby-Doo's favorite piece of clothing?

A SCARF!

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roost...

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Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.

"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"

I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces.

She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs.

Have you ever bought a piece of furniture to rest your feet on?

Well... you oughta, man!

I miss my dad. Before he left, he gave me this piece of advice.

Advi

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

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The door of a bar slams open and in walks a piece of black tarmacadam.

He kicks over a chair walks walks to the bar and says, "Give me a bottle of whisky because I'm the toughest piece of road in this whole damn city!"

Soon enough the bar quietens down again and everyone gets back to their drinking. Suddenly the door slams open again and a piece of red tarmacada...

Have you heard about the guy that ate a piece of cake?

It was very easy

Did you hear the joke about the false piece of cloth?

It was fabricated.

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my room.

I didn't know what to make of it.

I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.

It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes

It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

The bra is the most democratic piece of clothing

It elevates the small ones, it supports the big ones and it keeps the masses together.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

the police officer said to joe, " we have found your wife cut into pieces, the arms, the legs and the torso, We are sorry for your loss."





"so no head?" joe replied

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2 flies are sitting on a piece of poop.

the other one farts and the first fly says "hey, i'm trying to eat here!"

A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm...

That's just a blanket statement.

What do you call the game of Life after you've lost half of the pieces?

Sorry!

What do you call a famous piece of music with 3 sharps?

A major success.

Why is it so hard for me to get karma?

Apparently for everyone else, it's a piece of cake.

(It is my understanding that you must post something on your cake day).

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

What's a math teacher's favorite piece of lingerie?

An alge-bra.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

A man gets a hooker and starts going on down on her when he suddenly pulls a small piece of carrot out of his mouth...

...well it's been a while, so undaunted, he continues. After a minute or so, he pulls a small piece of beef out of his mouth. At this point, he has to ask, "Ma'am, are you sick or something?" "No" she replies, "but the guy before you was."

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

What is a conspiracy theorist's favorite piece of classical music?

QAnon in D

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

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After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

We all wear him and tear him in pieces, puncture holes in it, tear apart his clothes, and still not be guilty.

I'm talking about an eraser.

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter. The bartender says, “Sorry mate, we don’t serve pieces of string in here, get lost.”

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, “Oi, aren’t you that piece of string from before…?”

“No,” says the piece of string, ...

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

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Me: Mom, this is my girlfriend

Mom: Do you actually want to date this useless piece of shit?


Me: Ma, she is a very nice person!


Mom: I wasn't talking to you.

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What piece of furniture does every person own?

A little stool up their butts.

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A woman visits her mother and tell her she's divorcing her husband.

The mother replies:

But why? Your husband is super kind, good looking and is a millionaire. You're living in a castle, you're driving a rolls royce, you even have butlers!

Yes mother, but he is obsessed with anal sex. Everyday ha wants to put it in my ass.

Before i met him my as...

Heron, cook and hunter.

So a hunter killed a heron and brought it to his cook to roast it. The cook got to work and it turned out so good that he couldn't handle himself and ate a leg piece. Now the hunter was sitting there waiting for his food and found a leg piece missing. He asked about the missing leg piece and the coo...

A piece of string walks up to the entrance of a night club.

As he approaches the front of the line, the bouncer crosses his path and says to him “sorry mate, are you a piece of string?”

The piece of string says “yes, is that a problem?”

The bouncer replies “yeah, sorry but I can’t let pieces of string in, it’s policy.”

The string walks ...

How does a redditor get karma when they don't deserve it?

Piece of ca.....I'm just kidding they ask what's a flat earther's favorite Christmas decoration?

Their s'no globe.

Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?

It's a period piece

What do you say to an unfortunate piece of corn?

Shucks

What's a piece of lingerie that reveals more skin than the wearer consciously desired to show?

A Freudian slip.

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them.

He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

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A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

On my cake day a joke about cake...

A father is dying. All of his children stand around his bed. The smell of cake comes from the kitchen. The father says to Jan: "Please get me a piece of cake before I die..."

Jan goes and comes back straight away: "Mom said it was for after the funeral!"

My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...

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Older gentleman walks into the brothel...

... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not p...

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from t...

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

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How long does a piece a shit stay stuck on the side of a toilet?

Until it gets pissed off

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How often does a poo come out in one piece?

About one turd of the time.

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American Samurai

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a blind American. So he interviewed all three.

The emp...

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast as they were vigorously rubbing against each other?

Don't stop I'm about to crumb.

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What is the difference between jam and jelly?

Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.

Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.

Did you think I was going to say "I can't Jelly my dick up your ass"?

A physicist holds up a piece of paper and says, now imagine we live here...

The flatearther responds, now you're making sense.

What is Donald Trumps favourite piece of classical music?

Grabem, by Debussy.

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

My father may have been abusive and a drunk, but there's one good piece of advice he gave me that I wont forget.

When I was younger I asked him how to make a good impression at an interview. I was gonna ask my mum but she wasn't feeling well after she had another "accident" as he put it. He begrudgingly told me to "dress for the job you want, then once you have that job, don't start slacking. It's just as impo...

Two women buy three pieces of cake for two Euros each

The bakery clerk says: "That makes five Euros."

One woman to the other: "You can say anything against the school system, but it is consumer-friendly."

I told my wife I was thinking about getting a side-piece.

She slapped me before hearing me out.

She calmed down when I told her that a side piece of land was available and I was thinking about buying that.

And then I am planning to move my mistress to that place.

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

You know why the 2 piece bathing suit was invented?

To separate the dairy section from meat section...

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A man walks into a bar, pulls out a piece of chalk, and draws a line on the floor.

He then stood on the far side of the line and faced the door. People came in, took a look at him, and then walked around the line to go order their drinks. Eventually, a man walked in, approached the man, and stepped across the line.

Immediately, the first man took a swing and laid the second...

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A big Welsh is sitting in a bar...

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me Jones the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He ...

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

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While a guy is eating a girl out he finds a pea in her vagina

He thinks to himself, “hmm that’s odd..”, but he’s really in the mood and just keeps going to town on her.

After a while he finds a piece of a carrot, and that made him think “there’s something weird going on..”, but he continues anyway.

A few moments later he finds a small chunk of ...

Every morning after waking up, the first thing that I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

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It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

Joke advice

Hello everyone, at my job we are having a employee appreciation thing where we're giving out debby cakes and littles cup of ice cream to them. I am having to make little cute pun-ny notes on the cakes, but I need more ideas! If you can, drop some funny clever cake puns <3

Here's what I hav...

My 6 yr old grand child gave me this. Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya...

...after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found ...

Did you hear about the moldy piece of cheese that got fired from his job?

I heard he has been on the chopping block for a while

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

Just some cake, please

Nothing looked good on the chow hall/mess line, so he only selected a large piece of chocolate cake.

The cook asked him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?"

To which the sailor replied, "Yeah, the rest of the choices don’t look too appealing to me."

The cook grinned at the sailor a...

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A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway?

Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...

A piece of rope walks into a bar.

After very inappropriate behaviour, the bartender asks the rope to leave.

The rope leaves and gives itself a makeover by unravelling himself at the top and tying himself into a knot.

It returns the next day and the bartender asks “Aren’t you the same guy yesterday?”

It says: “I’...

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