In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

A piece of string walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says ‘sorry but we don’t serve string here’
The piece of string, feeling dejected goes outside, ties himself into a knot and rubs himself up and down on a wooden light post.
He walks back inside and again asks for a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says ‘Are you a...

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.

​

“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”

​

“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”

​

“Not really,” the man says. “It stands ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces

My next shit could spell disaster

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

A piece of ham walks into a bar.

“We don’t serve food here”, says the bartender.

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

If someone stole your favorite hair piece.

What is the price you are willing toupee to get it back?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

My dog ate some scrabble pieces and now he looks like he's about to throw up

This could spell trouble

A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he s...

How do you get a fat chick in bed?

Piece of cake!

What do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce?

Chicken caeser salad.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...

Sometimes, you just have someone vomit on your carpet.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

A guy walks into a proctologist’s office with a piece of lettuce poking out of his ass.

The doc says “What do we have here?”
The guy replies “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

I opened my wallet and saw a piece of lint in there.

I said to myself "I don't remember putting my life savings here."

Randomly woke up this morning with that joke in my head.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of pavement

“I’ll have two beers. One for me, and one for the road.”

What do you call an interesting piece of fat?

Avant Lard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do the Starship Enterprise and a piece of toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

What did the German piece of bread say to the other piece of bread

Gluten tag

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I ate two pieces of string. Today they came out tied together.

I shit you knot.

What do you call a thankful German piece of internet content?

Danke, meme.

Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I ate some scrabble pieces

I shit you not

I'm sick of my wife treating me like a piece of meat

She's a vegetarian.

When I was a kid, I'd ask my dad if I could have a couple pieces of candy.

If he said yes, I'd ask if a couple could mean three or four. Usually he'd say yes to get me out of his hair.



Guess that explains why my parents' marriage didn't last.

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

What piece of furniture never uses a condom?

Pull out couch

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.

I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

Two pieces of Black Tarmac are chatting in the pub.

One says to the other "I'm the hardest piece of tarmac in here I could take anyone on".
Just as he's saying this a Red piece of tarmac enters the pub.
The Black piece shuts up and hides under the table.
The other black piece of tarmac says "what's up with you" and he replies "I might be ...

What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

My son looked at me with disgust because I was putting some chickenwings and a single fly into a blender and then started to put the mixture on a piece of toast.

So I told him not to worry.

One day, he too will spread his wings and fly.

One day, Moe was showing his friends a piece of art he made.

The portrait was of a prodigious music composer a long time ago.

Another one of Moe’s friends came up to them and asked, “Hey, what’re you guys looking at?”

“Moe’s-art.”

When i told my dad i was joining the Air Force, he gave me one piece of advice...

Son, always pay attention on the flight line, because if you don't, you will be mist.

TIL. Dont say nice piece to a guy standing next to you at a urinal in texas.

You will get stuck in a gotdamn half hour conversation about how the sw 40 is a far superior round compared to the 9mm.

Interesting piece of history

Somewhere in the dawn of time, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.


In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores.

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook.

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with.

4. You should find a woman th...

What kind of cat looks super fierce, but runs off scared to pieces when you blow air in its face?

A dandy lion.

An old piece of rope walks into a bar..

After a rough day out at sea, salt in his cords, and some loose strands hanging out of his britches, he walks up to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks him, "You got money to pay for that drink?"

He replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

I don't think making the world's biggest piece of cooked beef was McDonalds' greatest ideea.

In fact, I believe it was quite a huge McSteak.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

Three pieces of string walked into a bar.

The first one goes to the barman and asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends. The barman says, 'We don't serve pieces of string here.' So. It goes back to its friends and says, 'They don't serve strings here' And it's a joke, so the middle one does it too, then the last one, but...

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a poop that all comes out in one piece?

A mono-log.

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

A black piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

And says to the bartender "I'm the toughest guy around, I'll fight anyone in here, point someone out and I'll go kick their ass."

The bartender points to a red piece of tarmac and says "How about that guy there?"

The black piece of tarmac looks over, gulps, and says "Not that guy, he's...

In my last relationship I hated being treated like a piece of meat..

She was a vegan and refused to trust me...

Credit to Daniel Audritt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last time I got a piece of ass

Was when my finger slipped through the toilet paper

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my ass."

*The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.*

The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?"

The doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's just the tip of the iceberg."

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

How much did the piece of paper love the binder?

A hole punch

Brutus asked Caesar, "How many pieces of pizza have you eaten?"

"Ate two, Brute."

A Karate master teaches his students how to break a piece of wood

He points his finger to the center of the board and tells his students, "This is the punch line"

Finally got a job making chess pieces

I start on nights next week

I came up with this new idea where you split the square root into pieces.

It’s radical!

My buddy is freaking out because he is missing a piece from his 10,000 piece puzzle.

If you think that’s bad, I’m missing 9999 pieces.

I was playing a board game with my friends when I noticed some important pieces of the game were missing.

I asked my friend, " Are you the game owner?"

He said, "I moan but I'm straight"

Life isn't really a piece of cake

When you're lactose intolerant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

Whats the best way to carve a piece of wood?

Whittle by whittle

I saw a piece of toast behind bars at the zoo.

The sign said, "Bread in captivity."

I have a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle that's missing three pieces.

The pessimist said, "Three pieces are missing."

The optimist said, "Ninety-seven pieces are here."

EA said, "It's a full puzzle with three DLCs yet to be purchased."

A joke a coworker told me today: What do you get when you combine a cow, a duck, a piece of wood, and a rhino?

Cow the duck wood rhino?

The leg piece and breast piece got into an argument at a kfc

The breast piece said let's fight it out to see which one is better.

The leg piece said,
Nah man, its been a long day and I'm battered.

Piece of Dating Advice

Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

These pieces of corn can't hear me,

but they're all ears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Sure," the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, e...

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit

But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door.

I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two flies are on a piece of shit

one fly farts, the other says "Heyy! I'm eating here ffs!"

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt.

The bartender asks, “What can I get for ya?”

The man says, “A beer for me, and another for the road.”

I once tried to pay for something with an 18-year-old piece of chicken.

When the cashier said, "sir, we can't accept this",

I said, "why? It's legal tender."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today was a very lucky day for a piece of butter

He was on a roll

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.

I scored full Marks.