What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decide...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And the bartender said “sorry, we don’t serve your kind”.
The piece of string walked outside, twisted himself up, and parted his hair. He went back in and the bartender said “aren’t you the same guy from before?”
“I’m a frayed knot”, said the piece of string.

Then the bartender hung him...

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

Q: What is big as a house, makes a lot of smoke and noise, takes down 20 liters of gas per hour, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A: a Soviet machine designed to cut apples into four pieces.

If you shave the corners off a 50 pence piece how much is it worth?

Around 50p

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

What do you call 52 pieces of bread?

A deck of carbs.

Have been putting 3.14 on pieces of jewellery.

Pioneering work, I think you'll agree.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You have piece of meat, a carpet, an egg and a blowjob. Which one doesn't belong?

A Blowjob.

You can beat a carpet, you can beat an egg, you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

A piece of string walks slowly into a bar and walks up to the counter..

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here, you are going to have to leave”

The piece of string walks out the door in a huff. He is so angry that he ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The barten...

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender, "What are those for?"

Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for one hour. If you miss, everyone else's drinks are on you. Do you wanna try?"

"Nah, the steaks are too high."

What did the german say when he wanted to chase someone with a piece of bread?

Gluten tag

I've said this joke so many times to my friends I get to "do you wanna" and they just stop me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, I've been dating this one girl for a while now, and I've recently realized that she's been looking at me like a piece of meat.

This would be ok if it was sexual, but she's vegan.

A blonde ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

The blonde answered, "Oh! six. I could never eat twelve pieces."

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

In my last relationship I hated being treated like I was a piece of meat.

She was vegan, and refused to touch me.

You hear about the new fruit spread with tiny pieces of asteroid in it.

I believe it's called space jam.

If someone stole your favorite hair piece.

What is the price you are willing toupee to get it back?

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces

My next shit could spell disaster

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.

​

“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”

​

“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”

​

“Not really,” the man says. “It stands ...

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You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

A piece of string walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says ‘sorry but we don’t serve string here’
The piece of string, feeling dejected goes outside, ties himself into a knot and rubs himself up and down on a wooden light post.
He walks back inside and again asks for a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says ‘Are you a...

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

My dog ate some scrabble pieces and now he looks like he's about to throw up

This could spell trouble

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

I remember my first piece of ass...

My hand slipped through the toilet paper and that's when I made my mom start buying 2-ply

A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he s...

What do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce?

Chicken caeser salad.

How do you get a fat chick in bed?

Piece of cake!

A guy walks into a proctologist’s office with a piece of lettuce poking out of his ass.

The doc says “What do we have here?”
The guy replies “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...

Sometimes, you just have someone vomit on your carpet.

A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of pavement

“I’ll have two beers. One for me, and one for the road.”

I opened my wallet and saw a piece of lint in there.

I said to myself "I don't remember putting my life savings here."

Randomly woke up this morning with that joke in my head.

Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

What do you call an interesting piece of fat?

Avant Lard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do the Starship Enterprise and a piece of toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I ate two pieces of string. Today they came out tied together.

I shit you knot.

What did the German piece of bread say to the other piece of bread

Gluten tag

What’s the difference between a piece of wood and Peter Parker?

One’s okay with being dusted.

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

What do you call a thankful German piece of internet content?

Danke, meme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

When I was a kid, I'd ask my dad if I could have a couple pieces of candy.

If he said yes, I'd ask if a couple could mean three or four. Usually he'd say yes to get me out of his hair.



Guess that explains why my parents' marriage didn't last.

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I ate some scrabble pieces

I shit you not

I'm sick of my wife treating me like a piece of meat

She's a vegetarian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

What piece of furniture never uses a condom?

Pull out couch

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.

I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

My son looked at me with disgust because I was putting some chickenwings and a single fly into a blender and then started to put the mixture on a piece of toast.

So I told him not to worry.

One day, he too will spread his wings and fly.

One day, Moe was showing his friends a piece of art he made.

The portrait was of a prodigious music composer a long time ago.

Another one of Moe’s friends came up to them and asked, “Hey, what’re you guys looking at?”

“Moe’s-art.”

When i told my dad i was joining the Air Force, he gave me one piece of advice...

Son, always pay attention on the flight line, because if you don't, you will be mist.

Interesting piece of history

Somewhere in the dawn of time, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.


In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores.

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook.

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with.

4. You should find a woman th...

TIL. Dont say nice piece to a guy standing next to you at a urinal in texas.

You will get stuck in a gotdamn half hour conversation about how the sw 40 is a far superior round compared to the 9mm.

An old piece of rope walks into a bar..

After a rough day out at sea, salt in his cords, and some loose strands hanging out of his britches, he walks up to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks him, "You got money to pay for that drink?"

He replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

I don't think making the world's biggest piece of cooked beef was McDonalds' greatest ideea.

In fact, I believe it was quite a huge McSteak.

Three pieces of string walked into a bar.

The first one goes to the barman and asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends. The barman says, 'We don't serve pieces of string here.' So. It goes back to its friends and says, 'They don't serve strings here' And it's a joke, so the middle one does it too, then the last one, but...

What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

What kind of cat looks super fierce, but runs off scared to pieces when you blow air in its face?

A dandy lion.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got a piece of ass last night,,,

My finger broke through the toilet paper

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a poop that all comes out in one piece?

A mono-log.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Johnny's walking home fifth grade when a white van pulls up. The driver says, "Hey kid, you come in this van with me I'll give you a piece of candy..."

Johnny says, "Shit mister... you give me the whole bag, I'll come in your face."

A thirsty piece of string walks into a bar...

And he orders a drink. The bartender asks “Are you string? We don’t serve your kind here.”

Defeated the string walks outside only to be hit by a bus and dragged down the street and a rough trip around the block.

Beaten, frazzled, and nearly torn in twain the string walks back into the ...

A piece of string breaks out of prison.

Just one mile out from crossing state lines, the piece of string sees a checkpoint up ahead.

Frantic and worried that he will be recognized, the bit of string hatches an idea for a disguise.

He starts by rolling around on the ground, to the point he becomes dirty and tattered.
Ne...

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

Brutus asked Caesar, "How many pieces of pizza have you eaten?"

"Ate two, Brute."

A black piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

And says to the bartender "I'm the toughest guy around, I'll fight anyone in here, point someone out and I'll go kick their ass."

The bartender points to a red piece of tarmac and says "How about that guy there?"

The black piece of tarmac looks over, gulps, and says "Not that guy, he's...

My buddy is freaking out because he is missing a piece from his 10,000 piece puzzle.

If you think that’s bad, I’m missing 9999 pieces.

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

I was playing a board game with my friends when I noticed some important pieces of the game were missing.

I asked my friend, " Are you the game owner?"

He said, "I moan but I'm straight"

How much did the piece of paper love the binder?

A hole punch

Finally got a job making chess pieces

I start on nights next week

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my ass."

*The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.*

The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?"

The doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's just the tip of the iceberg."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

A Karate master teaches his students how to break a piece of wood

He points his finger to the center of the board and tells his students, "This is the punch line"

What's Dave Grohl's favorite piece of chicken?

THE BREAST! THE BREAST! THE BREAST!

I came up with this new idea where you split the square root into pieces.

It’s radical!

Whats the best way to carve a piece of wood?

Whittle by whittle

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was a piece of scrap metal liked by everyone?

Because it was ex-scythe-thing.

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