I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

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A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

What do you call a piece of paper with a Bull on it?

Bullsheet.

Yeah it’s really bad I know.

What do you call a zombified piece of toast?

The un-bread

What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?

Bored.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

A doctor tells a man there are 2 pieces of bad news

A doctor tells a man there are 2 pieces of bad news.

Man: “What are they?”

Doctor: “The first is you have cancer.”

Man: “What is the 2nd piece of bad news?”

Doctor: “You have Alzheimer’s.”

Man: [laughs] “Well at least I don’t have cancer!”

I told my kids that I have not used a single piece of plastic since decades.

All 16 of them could not believe it.

I went in the chippy and said to the fella behind the counter ‘can I have a piece of cod?’ He said ‘yeah would you like it battered?’

I said ‘no thanks, just give it a quick slap I’m in a hurry’

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....

He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar.

*long*

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "give me a Guinness mate"

The bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day? ", the black piece of tarmac replies "aye I'm part of the A1 North and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 fucking lorries,...

Hallmark movies have formulaic plots, two-dimensional characters, and half the bad guys want to sell some piece of land...

...it’s basically “Scooby-Doo!” for sentimental grown-ups.

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.


You should've got good advice.


Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.


Don't get the bad advice.


\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

Three knights in training were competing to see who could chop a mannequin into little pieces.

The first one tries. He makes a small slice in the chest. The second one tries and he makes a large gash in the torso. The third one tries and slices the head off. He was a cut above the rest.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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What do you get when you cut a poop into three pieces?

Turds

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

I ate a piece of fresh salmon that was marinated in vanilla and now my stomach is hurting....

I think I might have salmonilla.

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

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Never try to shove a piece of a window up your ass.

Its a real pane

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Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

what do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce?

chicken caesar salad

What do you call a local store that sells costume pieces and theater pieces?

A Mom and Prop Shop

How do you get a fat chick into bed?

Piece of cake.

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

Wait a minute, that piece of fluff didn't come from your pocket at all!...

Its Fraudulint.

A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”

Hair Club Salesman: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”

Bald Man: “How about faux dollars faux hair?”


Sorry guys, I’ll show myself outta hair.

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I wiped my ass with a piece of rope

I shit you knot!

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.

I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”

What is a single piece of Tortellini called?

Tortaloni

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

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What do you get when you cross an illegitimate fish with a piece of shit?

A bass turd

Yes . . . shitty joke. Craptastic.

What do you call a really good looking piece of Swiss cheese?

A hole snack

What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

Magician: I will now cut this man's wife into 2 pieces

Sam: What kind of magic is this; turning one problem into two?

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.

Two pieces of tarmac are sitting at a bar having a drink...

Suddenly, a red piece of tarmac storms into the bar and one of the pieces of tarmac having a drink jumps under the table to hide, his friend says to him, “what are you doing?”, he replies, “hiding, you don’t want to mess with him, he’s a cyclepath.”

The other day i saw a piece of toast in a cage in the zoo...

It was bread in captivity.

A piece of Bread is like the Sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist





Source : a photo sent by my mum

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

I cut myself on a piece of perforated paper.

It was tearable.

A father comes home after a long day of work, excited to eat the piece of cake he had been saving.

He opens the fridge, and sees the cake missing. The plate that the cake was on is still in the fridge, but it's empty!

He calls his four children to the kitchen.

"Which one of you ate my cake?"

The mother shakes her head and says "don't bother asking, no one ever takes blames ...

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A man walks into a bar

As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?”

The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone ...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

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2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.

The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.

The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "tha...

If I have 30 pieces of chocolate cake for my cake day, and eat 25 of them, what do I have?

Diabetes......I got diabetes.

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink...

The bartender yells at him, "Hey string, we don't serve your kind here! Get the hell out!" Dejected, the string walks out if the bar, ties himself in a knot, tussles up his hair, and walks back in to order a drink again. The bartender sees him and says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out...

I hate it that my wife treats me like a piece of meat....

She’s Vegan and refuses touch me!

What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

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Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?

They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy

Two pieces or tarmac are in a bar arguing about who's the hardest

A red piece of tarmac then enters the bar and the two other pieces shut right up and start minding their own business. After the bartender serves the red piece of tarmac a drink and it takes a seat he turns to the other two and asks "what was up with you two? I thought you were supposed to be dead h...

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it.

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There's two flies on a piece of shit

One farts and the other one says "Do you mind, I'm eating!".

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So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

Reposting a joke is like buying a piece of clothing

you use other people's material to make yourself look good

Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit

It's was a real strobbery

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

What's the cheapest piece of meat?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The bartender, pointing to the sign behind him says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here." So the string walks outside, where a man is smoking a cigarette.

The string asks him, "Hey buddy, do you mind helping me out by tying me in a knot and fraying my ends a bit?" The man, a bit ...

Have been putting 3.14 on pieces of jewellery.

Pioneering work, I think you'll agree.

"Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Floyd: "Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Sheriff: "Yes."

Floyd: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana in his firewood! I don't know how he gets in in the logs, but he's hiding it!"

Sheriff: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
...

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

*raises piece of bread*

“I’d like to make a toast...”

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How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

I will never forget my grandpas last words.

"Stop shaking the ladder you piece of ****"

A few famous scientists are playing a game of hide-and-seek

Einstein starts looking for everyone. Most of them hide, except Newton, who pulls out a piece of paper exactly 1m x 1m in size and places it on the ground next to him.

When Einstein finds him, he shouts: I've found you, Isaac! You've lost!"

The other physicist replies: "Nope. You must ...

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

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A sad piece of paper goes to a therapist

Therapist: "Tell me where it all started."

Paper: \**tears\**

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You have piece of meat, a carpet, an egg and a blowjob. Which one doesn't belong?

A Blowjob.

You can beat a carpet, you can beat an egg, you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

What is wonder woman’s most important piece of armor?

Her wonder bra

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

What do you call 52 pieces of bread?

A deck of carbs.

just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

HELP! The smelly man who just got laid on an oil rig is chasing me with a piece of bent pipe!

It’s an olfactory refractory fracking fractional flak attack!

A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac

He says “can I get two beers,one for me and one for the road”

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So three guys are hanging out in their basement,

The first guys says, "Hey, I have a pretty small head, I reckon I have the smallest head."

The second guy goes, "I've got a pretty small nose, I think I may have the smallest nose."

The third guy says, "You know, I think I have the smallest dick."

So the next morning all three o...

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A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.

Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
...

Stranded unfortunately...

##

3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into t...

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The secretary was leaving the office one night when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?” The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy”

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I accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces

My next shit could spell disaster

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

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A dwarf walks into a bar and slips on a piece of shit and goes on like nothing happened

A few minutes later a big huge man walks in and slips on the piece of shit. "I just did that" the dwarf shouted. So the man kills the dwarf....

What do you call a melted piece of cheese nearby?

A hot single in your area

I gave a zombie a piece of my mind today.

He thought it was delicious.

I got beaten up by a piece of gold.

The teachers suspended it for bullion.

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

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Two hillbillies are walking through the woods...

They come across a pile of dog shit. One of them says to the other, "I think that's dog shit."

"Does it smell like dog shit?" Asks the second.

The first bends down to smell it, "Yes."

"Does it feel like dog shit?"

The one picks up a piece and sure enough it feels like s...

Why their are Angels on top of the Xmas Tree

Have you ever wondered how the tradition of putting an angel on the tree started? It may not be as magical as you might think,

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

T...

When the shovel was invented

It was a groundbreaking piece of technology

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decide...

So, a while ago, I was talking to a old piece of wood. I told him a dirty joke...

He was petrified

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You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

What do you call a random piece of bread?

A naan-sequitur

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Tarmac

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says"I'll fight anyone in here! Who wants a fight?"But nobody replies, so the piece of black tarmac sits down at the table.Then, a piece of red tarmac walks into a bar and says"I'll fight anyone, anyone at all! Who wants a beating?"The piece of black tarm...

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

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A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lor...

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Knock knock, “Who’s there?” Europe. “Europe who?”

Euro-piece of shit.

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

If I was ever in a war...

instead of throwing a hand grenade, I think I'd throw one of those tiny pumpkins...

Maybe, the other person would see that pumpkin and think about how dumb war is. About all the other things we could be doing like going on walks, drinking a beer, and spending time with loved ones.

And...

A piece of ham walks into a bar.

“We don’t serve food here”, says the bartender.

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

A piece of string walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says ‘sorry but we don’t serve string here’
The piece of string, feeling dejected goes outside, ties himself into a knot and rubs himself up and down on a wooden light post.
He walks back inside and again asks for a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says ‘Are you a...

If someone stole your favorite hair piece.

What is the price you are willing toupee to get it back?

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagi...

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

My dog ate some scrabble pieces and now he looks like he's about to throw up

This could spell trouble

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

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A horse walks into a bar

The barman says "What the fuck? Who's horse is this? Get out of here! No! No that's for customers! Go away! Oh goddamnit! Not on the FLOOR! YOU PIECE O-! PISS OF! Alright, sorry, calm down. CALM DOWN! AHHH! OH GOD NO THE TABLES EVERYBODY GET OUT OH JESUS FUCK"

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