I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.


You should've got good advice.


Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.


Don't get the bad advice.


\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

Never try to shove a piece of a window up your ass.

Its a real pane

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Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used that to roll up his joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

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I wiped my ass with a piece of rope

I shit you knot!

My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.

I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”

During the French Revolution the Guillotine was a revolutionary piece of technology

Truly a piece of cutting-edge technology

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

What is a single piece of Tortellini called?

Tortaloni

A piece of Bread is like the Sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist





Source : a photo sent by my mum

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What do you get get when you cross a comedian with a freshwater fish and a piece of crap?

A funny bass turd

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

A piece of string walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender looks him up and down
“I can’t serve you, you’re a string!”

So the string gets up, walks out the bar, frays his hair and ties himself into a knot.

He walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you that string fro...

What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.

Two pieces of tarmac are sitting at a bar having a drink...

Suddenly, a red piece of tarmac storms into the bar and one of the pieces of tarmac having a drink jumps under the table to hide, his friend says to him, “what are you doing?”, he replies, “hiding, you don’t want to mess with him, he’s a cyclepath.”

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decide...

A father comes home after a long day of work, excited to eat the piece of cake he had been saving.

He opens the fridge, and sees the cake missing. The plate that the cake was on is still in the fridge, but it's empty!

He calls his four children to the kitchen.

"Which one of you ate my cake?"

The mother shakes her head and says "don't bother asking, no one ever takes blames ...

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

I cut myself on a piece of perforated paper.

It was tearable.

I hate it that my wife treats me like a piece of meat....

She’s Vegan and refuses touch me!

The other day i saw a piece of toast in a cage in the zoo...

It was bread in captivity.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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There's two flies on a piece of shit

One farts and the other one says "Do you mind, I'm eating!".

Today I made a dessert for the first time in my life

And it was a piece of cake

If I have 30 pieces of chocolate cake for my cake day, and eat 25 of them, what do I have?

Diabetes......I got diabetes.

Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit

It's was a real strobbery

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

Reposting a joke is like buying a piece of clothing

you use other people's material to make yourself look good

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it.

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So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

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2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.

The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.

The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "tha...

What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The bartender, pointing to the sign behind him says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here." So the string walks outside, where a man is smoking a cigarette.

The string asks him, "Hey buddy, do you mind helping me out by tying me in a knot and fraying my ends a bit?" The man, a bit ...

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

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How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

*raises piece of bread*

“I’d like to make a toast...”

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

What's the cheapest piece of meat?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

Two pieces or tarmac are in a bar arguing about who's the hardest

A red piece of tarmac then enters the bar and the two other pieces shut right up and start minding their own business. After the bartender serves the red piece of tarmac a drink and it takes a seat he turns to the other two and asks "what was up with you two? I thought you were supposed to be dead h...

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A sad piece of paper goes to a therapist

Therapist: "Tell me where it all started."

Paper: \**tears\**

Have been putting 3.14 on pieces of jewellery.

Pioneering work, I think you'll agree.

just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

What is wonder woman’s most important piece of armor?

Her wonder bra

A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac

He says “can I get two beers,one for me and one for the road”

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I Ate Two Pieces of String that Came Out Tied!

I shit you knot.

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You have piece of meat, a carpet, an egg and a blowjob. Which one doesn't belong?

A Blowjob.

You can beat a carpet, you can beat an egg, you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob

HELP! The smelly man who just got laid on an oil rig is chasing me with a piece of bent pipe!

It’s an olfactory refractory fracking fractional flak attack!

I gave a zombie a piece of my mind today.

He thought it was delicious.

What do you call 52 pieces of bread?

A deck of carbs.

What do you call a melted piece of cheese nearby?

A hot single in your area

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

So, a while ago, I was talking to a old piece of wood. I told him a dirty joke...

He was petrified

I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

What do you call a random piece of bread?

A naan-sequitur

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The secretary was leaving the office one night when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?” The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy”

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

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You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

If someone stole your favorite hair piece.

What is the price you are willing toupee to get it back?

What did the german say when he wanted to chase someone with a piece of bread?

Gluten tag

I've said this joke so many times to my friends I get to "do you wanna" and they just stop me

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I accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces

My next shit could spell disaster

A blonde ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

The blonde answered, "Oh! six. I could never eat twelve pieces."

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

You hear about the new fruit spread with tiny pieces of asteroid in it.

I believe it's called space jam.

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

My dog ate some scrabble pieces and now he looks like he's about to throw up

This could spell trouble

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.



“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”



“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”



“Not really,” the man says. “It stands for Keep It Short, Stupid.”

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

What did the German piece of bread say to the other piece of bread

Gluten tag

A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he s...

I opened my wallet and saw a piece of lint in there.

I said to myself "I don't remember putting my life savings here."

Randomly woke up this morning with that joke in my head.

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What does the Starship Enterprise and a piece of toilet paper have in common?

It circles Uranus in search of Klingons.

Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

What do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce?

Chicken caeser salad.

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My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.

I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

How do you get a fat chick in bed?

Piece of cake!

Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...

Sometimes, you just have someone vomit on your carpet.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

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