The 132+ Best Piece Jokes

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar and slams his fist down on the bar loudly proclaiming, "I demand a free drink because I'm the toughest motherfucker in here!" The barman, not wanting any trouble, hands the piece of asphalt a beer.

About 20 minutes pass when another piece of asphalt w...

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..."

"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

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One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies.
But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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A piece of shit walks into the bar

Its my dad. My dad is a piece of shit

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

Is it possible to kill someone with a piece of Cheddar cheese?

Yes, but only if it's extra sharp.

A journalist is tasked with writing a human interest piece on the Western Wall in Jerusalem.

He decides he will take a month and observe those who come to pray. After a few days he notices one elderly man who arrives at the same time each day. The old man struggles to kneel before the wall, prays for ten minutes, struggles to stand, and then leaves.

The next day, the journalist appr...

What was Napoleon’s favourite piece of chicken?

The wing.

He liked to pick the bone apart.

A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice

It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.

Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

I gave my daughter a piece of traditional Jewish bread for an afternoon meal, but she refused it.

She ain’t no challah snack girl.

Three pieces of string walk into a bar.

String 1 asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends.

The barman says, ‘We don’t serve pieces of string here.’

So, string 1 goes back to his friends and says, ‘They don’t serve strings here’.

Then string 2 tries but gets the same result.

So string 3 gets...

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A traditional piece of 20th century Jewish humour from Odesa, Ukraine

Early in the morning at the Pryvoz market, Benya meets Izya with a suitcase and three rubles in his hand. Benya asks, "Izya, where are you headed?"
Izya replies, "Ah, Benya, I'm going to the port. Finally decided to go to America, gonna buy some cable!"
"Well, good luck!" Benya responds, while...

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A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

A patient in a psychiatric hospital is being examined by a shrink. The shrink hands him a piece of paper and asks him, "Look at this inkblot and tell me what do you see."

"Well," the patient says, "I'm not 100% sure, but it looks like Rorschach Series IV, blot #17."

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A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now...

A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn't at baggage claim when he landed in New York

He lost his case

The modern steak was invented when a piece of meat accidentally fell from a shelf, hit another two shelves, and fell right into a sizzling pan

Ba dum tss

A blacksmith said to his new helper, "You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer."

Those were his last words.

I just bought a knife that can cut 8 pieces of bread at once.

It's a four loaf cleaver.

What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

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What is a chronic masturbator’s favorite piece of attire?

A jacket.

What's a cat's favourite piece of classical music

MeOw ForTuna

Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?

The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

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A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Sure," the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, e...

[Rant] I think it's stupid my friend is having a meltdown over missing a puzzle piece for his 10K puzzle

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.

A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

My nan was doing a jigsaw puzzle of a chicken but she said the pieces weren't right.

I said, "Nan, it's a box of Cornflakes!"

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

Two pieces of vomit were walking down the street

One starts crying.

You OK mate says the other?

Yeah I'm good, just a bit emotional, I was brought up around here.

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling

He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.

'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'

The man thought about for the moment, shook his head reg...

What's the one piece of advice that would benefit both a tightrope walker and a guy getting a b.j. from an 85-year-old woman?

"Don't look down."

So, I found proof of the Second Coming of Jesus on a ancient piece of fabric….

Now I gotta wash my hands, and take a cold shower.

When I make a pizza for a bar customer I always ask them if I should cut it into six pieces or eight

Because some people aren't hungry enough to eat eight pieces. That joke isn't very funny. I guess pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

My Latin teacher had this piece of luggage that used to claim I was doing something wrong.

It was an accusative case.

You do some gardening once, you do not become a gardener. You nail two pieces of wood together, you do not become a woodworker.

So I do not see how I could be a murderer, your honour.

Whenever I’m leaving a party, I write my name on a piece of paper, and hand it to the host.

That’s my signature move.

A guy walks into his kitchen and sees his roommate writing on a piece of paper

Guy: what's up?

Roommate: Im legally changing my name to Dragon Ball Z.

Guy: wait, what, can you even do that?

Roommate: yea, it's a lot of paperwork tho.
This isn't even my final form.

My dads best piece of advice growing up was "you only get one chance to make a good first impression"

I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser

Why do you never see pieces of paper at bodybuilding competitions?

Because they would have to get shredded.

'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

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On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit

But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

It is cloudy and snowing outside, and I just realized I ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge.

Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

What is the smartest piece of lab equipment?

A graduated cylinder.

In meat isle, two pieces of meat are talking.

One says...
Man, I really hate those sausages.

The other replies...
Yeah, they're the wurst!

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him.
"Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."

The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."

A hen laid eyes on some pieces of lettuce.

The chicken caesar salad.

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I once swallowed a piece of string and it came out tied.

I shit you knot.

I treat women like pieces of meat

I'm a vegan - I haven't touched one in years

What do you call a fish wearing a three piece suit and a top hat?

Sofishticated...

People say John Cage's 4'33 is a great piece of music

But I just don't hear it.

Two pieces of Road walk into a bar

They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.

15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.

The bartender notices this ...

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My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit".

I don't know how I feel about this.

What do you call a piece of a funny company?

A laughing stock

A piece of string was walking down the street…

It was hot and he saw a bar. He walked into the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender looked at him and said, I do not serve string in here. The piece of string left dejected.

The next day the same piece of string on the same street with the same sort of hot sunny day was st...

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My music teacher constructed a piece for heterosexual killer whales.

That's something I wouldn't know how to orca straight.

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I went to the doctor because I had a piece of lettuce stuck in my butthole

The doctor gasped when they saw it.

I asked, “what’s wrong, Doc?”

They replied, “this isn’t just a piece of lettuce, it’s the tip of an iceberg.”

I finally realize why authoritarian governments banned blank pieces of A4 paper in protests

It’s not Legal

2 eggs, a sausage link, a piece of toast and 3 pancakes walk into a bar.

2 eggs, a sausage link, a piece of toast and 3 pancakes walk into a bar. They walk up to the counter and order some drinks. The bartender says,

Sorry, we dont serve breakfast

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What do you call an illegitimate piece of shit?

A basturd

What is the most competitive criminal chicken piece?

The contender

I miss my dad. Before he left, he gave me this piece of advice.

Advi

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast, inside the toaster?

It’s toasty in here!

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.

You should've got good advice.

Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.

Don't get the bad advice.

\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

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What keyboard shortcut turns your computer into a piece of shit?

*Alt + Right*

A piece of string walks into a bar ...

Bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here!".
The string walks back out dejected. Then he gets an idea. He rubs his head on the bricks on the front of the bar outside. Satisfied with the results, he goes back into the same bar. "Hey!" the bartender yells. "We don't serve string in here! Are...

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My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.

I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

What's the piece of hardware that people with epilepsy are scared of?

Flash drive

how do frogs share a piece of paper?

They rippit

I used to have a job assembling tiny pieces of cheese.

It was degrating.

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If Putin ate a piece of shit

... he would be a cannibal

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. I picked up a girl in a bar the other night and we went back to her place. We started making out and getting naked. I went down and started munching on that pussy and got a piece of corn in my mouth.

.. I didn’t think to much of it, just threw over my shoulder and went on eating. Then I got a green bean in my mouth. I like green beans, I just ate it and went back down. Then I got a piece of asparagus in my mouth. That was to much. I hate asparagus. I looked up at her and said,”God damn woman, ar...

Did you know the inventor of Reese's Pieces has a master's in biology specializing in monkeys?

He did a Rhesus thesis.

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A cannibal and his piece of shit colleague were arguing. The cannibal lost his temper, killed his colleague and ate him. But the next day…

…his colleague was still a piece of shit.

A piece of toilet paper tried to cross the road

However didn't make it due to getting stuck in a crack.

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

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A guy pulls out a stick and starts carving it with his knife. His friend yells: "Hey! You dropped a big piece of wood on my floor!" The first guy responds:

"You're overreacting..........it's just a whittle bit."

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A bartender said loudly, "Look at this fine piece of shit that just rolled in."

"Thank you," replied the dung beetle.

What's the difference between a piece of Southwestern pottery and a bra?

One is a Terracotta pot and the other is a paira tata cots.

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

A tourist sees a man holding a blank piece of paper in Red Square, Moscow

Confused, he asks the man what he's doing.

The man says "I'm protesting"

"How is anyone supposed to know what you're protesting with that blank sign?" Asks the tourist.

The man scoffs "Ignorant tourists! Why would I need to put that? Everyone already knows what's wrong!"
...

A grey piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

He says "I'm the biggest and toughest piece of tarmac around, and I'll fight anybody in here."

The barman says "if you're so tough, go fight that red piece of tarmac over there."

The grey piece of tarmac looks over at the red piece of tarmac and says "I'm not fighting that guy, he's ...

I dropped a piece of pasta off of a cliff,

It was a farfalle.

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“

“It was 1959“, says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at h...

What do you call a long piece of writing about America?

A U essay

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage.

The sign said "Bread in captivity".

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

A man walks into a bar carrying a large piece of asphalt..

He approaches the bartender and says "I'll have a beer, and one for the road.."

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Syria?

A map.

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

Three men were challenged to an art contest, they each had a piece of paper and a pencil, the theme was a TV screen, however, one of the men did nothing with his paper, when the judge saw it, he was dissapointed at first, but after he explained his idea to the judge, he was impressed and he won...

...Because it was Paperview!

I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall

1: don't tell people everything

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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

What do you call a piece of old farm equipment that's always criticizing you?

Detractor.

What is the best Three-Piece Swimsiut?

Hat, sunglasses and slippers

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."

Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.

He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable pos...

3 pieces of string walk up to a bar

3 pieces of string walk up to a bar. The first piece of string says I am going to get a drink. He walks up to the bartender and says " Bartender give me a drink!" The bartender replies, "Are you a piece of string?" and the string replies, "Yes I am!" The bartender says "Get outta here, we don't ser...

What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

When the cheese factory exploded, people found pieces of it miles away

There was de Brie everywhere

Why is it generally a bad idea to marry chess pieces?

Well many would think of it as a Rook-ie mistake

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

Losing weight is a piece of cake

Just don’t eat the cake

I got hungry while playing scrabble, so I ate all of the pieces

Tomorrows bowel movement could spell trouble

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Why did Darth Maul jack off into a piece of fruit?

Because the sith always comes in pears

A piece of bread walks into a bar.

They say,”Hey, can I get something?”

The bartender responds with,”No, sorry. You may not be served.”

“Why?”The bread asks.

“Because we do not serve food.”

Scissors are a beautifully simplistic piece of technology.

Their invention was nothing but shear genius.

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You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

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A couple of flies are feasting on a fresh piece of poop.

One of the flies rips a big fart.

The other fly yells "Come on man, I'm eating here!!"

Why should you never give a frog a piece of paper?

They'll always just rip it, rip it

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My buddy went to Australia and said he found a large piece of marsupial dung

What a quokka shit!

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital.

Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

Did you hear the joke about the false piece of cloth?

It was fabricated.

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