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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

Why is dark spelled with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’?

Because you can’t c in the dark.

How do you spell Darwin Awards?

S-t-u-r-g-i-s

I asked my wife, “How do you spell invulnerable?”

She said, “I-N-V-U..”

I said, “Everyone does, because I’m awesome!”

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"Mum, how do you spell clitoris?"

"I don’t know darling, ask your dad, it was on the tip of his tongue this morning"

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You can't spell advertisements without.. .

Semen between tits

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

The journalist asked, "Excuse me, is it true that quantum computing could spell the end of civilization as we know it?"

The scientist replied:

"Yes ... and no. It's a bit uncertain."

An Etymologist and an Entomologist enter a spelling bee..

..into a spelling bee

Forth annual Hicksville spelling b

Down to the last 3 contestants....
The last word is before;

Judge; contestant #1 the word is before

C1: Before b e f o u r befour

Judge: I'm sorry but that is incorrect!
Contestant #2, the word is before

C2: before b e f o r. Before.

Judge: I'm sorry but th...

They should change the spelling of "Cyclops" to "Ciclops"

Then it would only have 1 'i'

I hate spelling errors. You mix up a couple letters and your whole post is

Urined

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It’s down to the final two at a championship spelling bee.

The contestant gets up to the microphone and the judge tells him the word is “walk.”

Confused, the contestant asks for a definition.

“To move about or travel on foot for exercise or pleasure.”

The contestant asks for a sentence to confirm what could be his final word was reall...

People often tell me that "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Come to think of it, I see why.

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

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You can't spell lassie without ass...

and if you think you can, that's a lie.

Australian Spelling Lessons

Lesson #1 - There is no "o" in "country".

A guy makes spelling errors so often it's in his blood.

He's typo.

Some people don't take spelling seriously...

... but a 'd' is the only difference between being a lady and a laddy.

Why did the kittens get in trouble during spelling class?

Because they were copycats.

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Look down the front of your shirt, and spell "Attic" out loud.

One genuine dad joke for your amusement!

My friend Tony asked me not to spell his name backwards

I said "Y Not?"

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

My husband: I forgot how to spell briefly

Me: do you remember how to spell now?

I unscrambled the letters to spell “anger” “hate” “spite” and “malice”

It was a cross word puzzle.

Sorry for the spelling/grammer mistakes

My first language is English.

If you're ever struggling to remember the spelling...

Santa wraps, Eminem raps, Brock Turner...

I always wondered why there were two different ways to spell Whiskey / Whisky.

Having been to Dublin, I now realise it's because the Irish like to drop an E in their drinks.

Read and read are both spelled the same way

Of course they would be they are the same word

A teacher asks her students,"Can anybody spell before?"

Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."

"No that is wrong.Sit down."say⁴s the teacher."

"Frankie, can you spell before?"

Frankie stands up and says, "Before.B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"

"No, that's not right either.Tyrone, can you spell before?"

Tyro...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

A prince under a spell

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darli...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Covid has me really bored at home so I read the entire dictionary and actually found a word spelled wrong.

Wrong.

What do you call someone who makes a spelling error AFTER editing their comment?...

An Ediot!

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Why is the bride smiling when she is walking down the isle?

Because she knows she has given her last blow job.

Edit-Aisle ….. cannot spell. I’m a dumbass from Florida.

What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer : Incorrectly

So what if I can't spell "armagedon" correctly ?

Its not the end of the world.

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...

Little Johnny made it to the final round of the spelling bee.

Proctor: Spell there

Johnny: Can you use it in a sentence?

Proctor: They're having trouble finding their tickets to board that train over there.

Johnny: Can you give me the definition?

Spelling bees always confuse me.

My word was "knot"

I asked if it was "not" spelled with a "K"

My teacher said "Yes it's knot spelled with a k"

I ended up losing

There's 3 things that I hate

1- Hipocrisy

3- Lists

4- and people who don't know how to properly count

5- people who can't spell

My son’s dyslexic, and every year at Christmas, he gets all excited and writes his little list of all the presents he wants, and then he goes and sends it off to Satan.

Well, actually I send it off to Satan because he can’t spell.

What do you get when you can't spell kid?

idk

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Dick measuring contest

Kind of long


3 men, 1 white, 1 Mexican, and 1 black were standing on a 15 story building.

Mexican: hey let’s measure our dicks. Just throw yours down, and whoever’s makes it the most stories wins.

They all agree, and the white guy goes first. He unzips, throws his dick do...

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

Learnt an interesting fact today..... If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means.........

........... Absolutely Nothing!!

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My smart-ass friend just told me how to spell lotion backwards

He’s such a noitol.

How do you spell Canada, eh?

C, eh?

N, eh?

D, eh?

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom?

Because Rick Astley is British.

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My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do?

"Because fuck u that's why."

-- George Washington, Revolutionary War

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A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, t...

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

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My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"



(To whoever reposts this: the correct spelling is actually *Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*)

Spelling matters!

I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues. The client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but he's the client.

Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

My son came over to me and asked, "Dad, how do you spell 'diarrhoea'?"

I replied, "I don't know son, but Doesn't It Always Run Really Horribly Over Each Ankle?!"

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

Spell a word

A woman dies and meets Peter at the pearly gates. She asks, did I make it to heaven? Peter said you have to spell a word first. She replies, Ok what word? Peter says, Love.. Woman spells out L O V E Peter says you're in. A few months later Peter asks her to watch the gate for him. Low and behold t...

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

Dead funny

Late one night Jack takes a shortcut through the cemetary. Hearing a tapping sound, he becomes scared and quickens his pace. The tapping gets louder and Jack is now scared out of his wits.
Then he notices a man chiseling a tombstone.
"Thank goodness!" Jack says to the man.
"You gave me a ...

You know what I hate about how Avril Lavigne spells her name?

She had to go and make things so complicated.

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic ci...

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it wo...

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Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?

Or do you have to spread them apart?

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I was having a bit of a dry spell

So I went to a nearby glory hole. Everything started fine.

About ten minutes into it, I heard a man's moaning.

Turns out I was sucking a guy's dick this whole time!

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

Why doth Abraham not bringeth his grain to the spelling bee?

For it was already spelt.

How do you spell 'Liberty' in Russian?

'G U L A G'

Hank the Cowboy

May not be super funny, but this joke makes my brother heave a little.





For years, Hank worked his corner of the old west frontier by himself. He'd sell his goods to people heading west and collected a good sum over time. Hank was notoriously tight fisted with his money. He was...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

I've always found spelling bees easy

B E E S. Simple.

When is a donkey spelled with one letter?

When it's U!

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.

Ok so I can’t spell Armageddin

It’s not the end of the world though is it?

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

I have an alphabet grenade.

If it goes off, it could spell disaster.

I bet you can't spell *part* backwards.

I knew you could really. It's just a trap.

Who decided to make Dyslexia such a hard word to spell?

Same person who thought it'd be fun to add an "s" to lisp

Lite: the new way to spell “Light,”

now with 20% fewer letters!

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Did you know their genetically modifying prostitutes? NSFW

They're called GMHoes.

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

A fresh-out-of-the-uni teacher

A teacher fresh out of the university gets hired to teach a class of 2nd year kids. On the first day she decides to do a little experiment on the kids. She stands in front of the class and says, "Would all of you kids, who think they're stupid, please stand up." No one does except for little Johnny....

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

Yodas name backwards spells adoy

Pretty obvious if you ask me

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