So I tried airplane mode for the first time.

But when I threw my phone, it didn't fly.

Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode'

Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises.

A median and a mode walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’m glad you dumped your buddy. He’s mean.”

I like dark mode on everything

Except for my skin

Even when I put my phone in airplane mode, it only flies as far as I throw it.

(Original Content)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always use incognito mode when looking at porn and video game walkthroughs.

I don't want my wife to think I'm a cheater.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For me, sex is only a game.

In single-player mode.

*My iPhone on Airplane mode*

Me: Siri, surely it must rain today

Siri: It won't and don't call me Shirley

I just put my phone on airplane mode and threw it across the office

Worst transformer ever.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

EA have announced that FIFA 19 will have a Battle Royale mode

They will be introducing the $50 'Sergio Ramos' pack with release, which will allow players to break the rules without punishment to win games.





^^^^FUCK ^^^^RAMOS

Siri kept on calling me Shirley today

I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.

History is not made by those who use Incognito mode..

Said by a Firefox user.

When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport.

Where it goes is up to you.

I'd love to give the man who invented Incognito mode a cookie.

Sadly it was erased.

Gin is the Ionian mode of liquors...

it will always resolve with tonic.

Why did the mean and mode laugh together?

Because they had a co-median between them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some people use incognito mode to watch porn.

Just to be safe, I watch porn using Tor through a VPN on my friend's laptop connected to my neighbors wifi.

Which works great until my neighbors find out and tell me to get out of their living room.

I set my phone to airplane mode

I lost it two weeks ago and everyone has a different opinion on what happened to it

What does Farmer Travis Scott do when his crops are ready?

He goes Sickle Mode

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Incognito mode on google chrome is useless..

Everyone in the library can still see me wanking

The three modes of communication

Telephone,
Telegraph and
Tell a woman

What's common between a computer that just crashed and a guy who just had an argument with his wife ?

Both of them proceed in safe mode.

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

Riot's Responce to Sandbox Mode

Edit: Response

The mean, median, and mode walk into a Republican bar

The median says "Wow, this place us really skewed to the right! Me, though, I'm a centrist."

The mode was taller than everyone else and got the most numbers.

Meanwhile, the mean was overly influenced by outliers and got high off to the side.

help: iphone 6s freezes but only when i play song "down with the sickness" any ideas??

edit: thx guys, turns out i was in "Do Not Disturbed" mode

I threw my phone out the window. It fell and broke.

I am outraged. I distinctly remember putting it in flight mode first!

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in A la mode.

What do you tell someone who doesn't like Depeche Mode?

Enjoy the silence.

What's a dog's favorite mode of transportation?

A waggin'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Its not masturbating

It's sex in single player mode

If you live in Russia...

.. then you must've picked "HARD MODE" at birth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...

I bought a fan today, but it wasn’t strong enough.

So I put it on airplane mode.

The Pope & The Crossword puzzle

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke

It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the train conductor goes to the general and tells the general.

"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."

The general nods. "Then we will take no ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

Really freaked out for a bit, my computer was giving me personalised Jesus quotes.

Turns out I had it set to depeche mode.

99 dead in Tesla autopilot car crash

This has caused Tesla to drop all ideas of a battle Royale mode for Tesla cars

My phone fell from the 20th floor,

good thing it was in airplane mode.

A Texan walks into a nice French Restaurant

He sits down, orders, and has the best meal of his life. With each bite, the pure joy he feels only intensifies. Course after course, his interest continually piqued and appetite always aroused.
As he nears the end of his meal, he orders a crepe for dessert, ice cream atop as a finishing touch. ...

I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a sex robot that's so realistic,

Whenever I try to have sex with it, it goes into sleep mode.

I keep loading paper into my printer but it keeps saying "I just can't get enough"

I think it's stuck in Depeche Mode.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Porto citizen dies and goes to Hell

The Devil observes that he is comfortable. He says: 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' to which the portuense replies: 'Back in Portugal we usually have lost of forest fires, so this isn't that bad'

The devil decides that he isn't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When h...

I walked into a muslim dessert place

...they served a pretty good Apple pie A-llah-mode.

I accidentally dropped my phone from a 20-story building.

It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode.

Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but...

How does Davey Crockett take his pie?

à la mode

Did you know Tinder has different difficulties?

Here's how to unlock Tinder's different difficulties.

Easy mode: be a white girl

Intermediate mode: be a white guy

Hard mode: be anything else

God mode: be an Asian male

Yo mama so fat

That the new iPhone requires panorama mode for facial recognition.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

£1000 for the new iPhone X?

Hope airplane mode takes me on fucking holiday.

How did the Muslim enjoy her dessert?

Allah Mode

The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transpo...

I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app...

When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.

White Elephant

An old farmer is tending his crop one day when he spies a white elephant trampling the edge of his field. He knows that there are four different types of elephants in his area: red elephants, blue elephants, purple elephants, and white elephants.

To kill a blue elephant you use a blue elep...

What do you call a terrorist with a scoop of vanilla ice cream?

Allah mode.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

A legendary quote by Mahatma Gandhi

"History is not created by those who browse in incognito mode"

How do terrorists like their apple pie?

Allah mode.

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

A Malaysian man buys a new phone...

He puts it on airplane mode. Now he cant seem to find it anywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman and her family are sitting in a nice, upscale restaurant...

A woman and her family are sitting in a nice, upscale restaurant.

Everyone's looking at their menus, when the waiter comes by to get their drink orders. Each orders their drinks, and as the waiter is walking away, the woman notices a spoon in his chest pocket.

*Hm... That's strange* ...

The only way to score with a robot

Is to get it in the mode

A mathematician and a statistician wrote a cook book together.

It was called "Pi A LA Mode".

Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."