UPJOKE
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Why does a programmer prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

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The Desert

There is a man making his way across the desert on foot and quickly realizes he is going to need a better mode of transportation. After making his way for a few hours he finally comes across another man who is walking a camel. He asks him if it is for sale and he states that it is, but it is a bit u...

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn’t wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

We switched from corona virus to the Third World War..

..which idiot changed from zombie mode to multiplayer?

3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.

I am rebranding computers' energy saving mode

It's a power nap.

Why is dark mode better?

Because it runs faster

I don't understand statistics like mean, mode and median

Is that normal?

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A man walks into an exotic car dealership and sees a brand new Lamborghini Aventador for only 1000 dollars

The man walks to the salesman and asks him "hey am I reading that correctly? Only one thousand dollars? Don't those usually go for 200 grand whereabouts? What's the catch?"

The car salesman replies, "Not really. Only 14 miles on the odometer, got the twin turbo V12, but due to a defect with t...

A median and a mode walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’m glad you dumped your buddy. He’s mean.”

What’s Harry Potter’s favorite mode of transportation?

Walking






JK.
Rolling.

I really like the band Depeche Mode.

I just can't get enough.

Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode'

Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises.

A newlywed couple goes on a honeymoon to the Middle East.

While there they got into a huge argument about the best mode of transportation; unicycle versus bicycles. The argument was so large they decided to divorce.
Cause of divorce:
Iraq and cyclable differences

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I always use incognito mode when looking at porn and video game walkthroughs.

I don't want my wife to think I'm a cheater.

Husband lost his wife

Husband: I lost my wife, she was shopping and has not come back yet.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: I'm not sure a suit maybe or dress i don't know.

Inspector: What her weight?

Husband: I don;t know i have never checked.

Inspector: Slim/ tall/ healthy....

What is Edna Mode's least favorite city?

Cape Town.

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

My son asked me what incognito mode was on his computer.

"I don't want you to know," I replied.

The worst feeling ever is when you're studying in your room peacefully in full focus mode and a member of your family enter the room and..

wakes you up

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Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

(based on a thread over in r/TeslaMotors)

Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also p...

I once got kicked out of a Depeche Mode after show party for eating Dave Gahan's Brie and Stilton.

Apparently they were his own personal cheeses.

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

Once mankind invented Incognito mode

The rest is not in history.

So I tried airplane mode for the first time.

But when I threw my phone, it didn't fly.

A guy buys a new ferrari

he takes it out to drive, and the next day comes back to the dealership with a broken gearbox

the dealer says that the insurance covers it so they get it fixed and he goes back out

the next day the gearbox breaks again, and the dealer once again says no problem and gets it fixed. the g...

Even when I put my phone in airplane mode, it only flies as far as I throw it.

(Original Content)

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

What is the worst insult you could give a Redditor?

"You're the type to have light mode on Reddit."

I like dark mode on everything

Except for my skin

When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport.

Where it goes is up to you.

Cops smashed my phone.

Cops smashed my phone. Well it's my fault for having it on the dark mode.

I set my phone to airplane mode

I lost it two weeks ago and everyone has a different opinion on what happened to it

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

I'd love to give the man who invented Incognito mode a cookie.

Sadly it was erased.

Gin is the Ionian mode of liquors...

it will always resolve with tonic.

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Some people use incognito mode to watch porn.

Just to be safe, I watch porn using Tor through a VPN on my friend's laptop connected to my neighbors wifi.

Which works great until my neighbors find out and tell me to get out of their living room.

History is not made by those who use Incognito mode..

Said by a Firefox user.

Riot's Responce to Sandbox Mode

Edit: Response

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Incognito mode on google chrome is useless..

Everyone in the library can still see me wanking

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

The three modes of communication

Telephone,
Telegraph and
Tell a woman

Why did the mean and mode laugh together?

Because they had a co-median between them.

The mean, median, and mode walk into a Republican bar

The median says "Wow, this place us really skewed to the right! Me, though, I'm a centrist."

The mode was taller than everyone else and got the most numbers.

Meanwhile, the mean was overly influenced by outliers and got high off to the side.

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Italian Casanova

An Italian was driving his sports car along the Amalfi coast when he saw a beautiful girl hitchhiking. He stopped the car and offered the girl a ride. He went in ‘Casanova-mode’ and leaned over the pull the girl close. She didn’t object so he took it a step further. He drove to his house and took th...

Your mom is temporarily in read-only mode due to heavy traffic.

The joke is Reddit's servers. Get it together!

What do you tell someone who doesn't like Depeche Mode?

Enjoy the silence.

How many Discord users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They prefer dark mode.

I was playing SimplePlanes on my phone

I made a nice jet, but for some reason it didn't seem to work well. But then I realized



I didn't have airplane mode on

I'm so poor...

that my cell phone only has bus mode

I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.

There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,

"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""

My phone fell from the 20th floor,

good thing it was in airplane mode.

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The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation sy...

My Math teacher told me I'm terrible at telling Math jokes.

She was mode to me.



Edit: Medium\*

Edit: Range\*

Edit: Average\*

Dates are expensive and complicated.

And the morning after is, all too often, very awkward.

Then there's the messiness. And each one's got a bloody stone in the middle. Honestly, dates are just honey that's stuck on Extra Hard mode.

I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...

What’s a Muslim’s favorite pie topping?

Allah mode

Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"

The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheate...

A man drives his new car back to the dealership...

And he says "the car I bought last week doesn't work at night". So a mechanic tries starting the car with the lights already on. Then, he tried again but turning the lights on with the engine running. Nothing goes wrong, the mechanic explains that he can come back and get a different car if it has t...

The Pope & The Crossword puzzle

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person...

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus

The man sees a wall of clock and asks Jesus, “What are all those clocks for?”

Jesus replied, “These clocks are for representing how much lies a person has told.”

The man points at a broken clock, Jesus said, “That is Mother Theresa’s clock, it has not moved therefore she has never lied...

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

I know i was a smart kid

When i was like 8 or 9 i threw my father's phone from the terrace, by turning the airplane mode on cause i thought it would take off. And after 10 years, here i am studying engineering realizing that airplanes don't take off mid-air. I should've tried it on the ground.

Just look very closely into the darkness of your screen

Do you see the joke? (Dark mode users only)

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God and Jesus were hashing out the final details of his life on earth.

"The only thing remaining is to decide upon your mode of death," said God. "Which do you prefer, crucifixion or killer bees?"

Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and said, "I think I will go with crucifixion."

And that's why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross in...

I thought my phone was broken as it keeps referring to me as Shirley.

Then I realised it was in Aeroplane mode

I accidentally dropped my phone from a 20-story building.

It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode.

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases ...

i have a luxury diesel mercedes and its a total piece of rubbish!

i have driven manual my entire life and i got my first automatic and my bloody last one!. i bought new, but it only works during the daytime, at night it shuts off. now look, i put the automatic into d mode during the day, it works fine, but then at night it goes into n mode and won't move.

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

Everyone has their own way of remembering

To celebrate 9/11, I like to set my phone to airplane mode and throw it at a building.

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