An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”

She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out...

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try ...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn't. It used the sidewalk.

(This was a joke my teacher made)

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

I didn’t want to believe my friend was stealing from the road construction site.

But I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one knows. *But the road will have his vengeance.*

So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order. Wow. “Take the high road” I thought to myself.

So I paid for her food.

I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb.

Then I realized that my life was a joke.

What road connects China to Italy?

The Sick Road.

Yes you can pity laugh now

Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him,

“What’s the word on the street?”

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Why couldn't the dildo cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack.

Why did the road cross the road?

Because civil engineers & urban planners don't like roundabouts!

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “

Can’t do that either,” ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Well you see, it was deeply depressed. The road was fairly busy and it knew that being hit by a car would be the fastest way to go.

It was trying to get to "The Other Side."

Two men are walking along the road

And they come across a dog, sitting on the sidewalk licking his balls.

One man says to the other, "Boy, I'd sure like to be able to do that."

The other man says "Well, okay, but I suggest you pet him first."

A man with a new sports car was speeding down an empty road late at night.

Suddenly he heard sirens behind him. He looked in his rearview mirror to see the flashing lights of a police car. The man thought to himself “I can outrun this guy.” And stepped on the accelerator. He kept accelerating. 90 miles an hour. 100. 110. 120.

After a few minutes he realized how stup...

I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.

It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner ...

Some sucker in a fancy car with blaring sound thought he could do whatever he wanted on the road

He went THROUGH red lights, was speeding up wayy over the limit and weaving through cars. I decided to take justice into my hands and speed to infront of him then drop below the limit.

Fkn ambulances i swear..

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

Why did the tortiose cross the road?

We don’t know, it’s still crossing.

What did the chicken say to the duck as it was about to cross the road?

"Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it."

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over. "So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few i...

A man and woman are driving down the road...

A man and woman are driving down the road after dinner. The weather is awful, pouring rain and freezing cold.

As they go around a corner, the woman spots a dog on the side of the road that looks like it’s been hit by a car. She pleads with her husband to stop so they can check on the poor do...

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A little Irish boy was sitting on the side of the road crying when an man walks by...

...The man says to the boy, "Whats the matter son?"

"My father just passed away," the boy replied.

"Oh lord that is terrible. Would you like me to call Father Fitzpatrick?"

"Oh, no" says the boy, "sex is the last thing I want right now."

My wife told me to pack my bags and hit the road because me being a literalist was bad for her.

Then she yelled at me, but I’m not sure if it was because I only brought grocery bags with me or the fact that I should have used the baseball bat, and not the hammer

A large sinkhole opens up on a small town road.

Many people fall into it and get hurt and it's difficult to get them all to the hospital.

The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree....

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

A straight-laced former cop and a priest were driving down a country road

Walking along the edge of the road were some teens - their pants sagging, they were vaping had a beer in hand, and could clearly be hear cursing loudly. This enraged the former cop. He drifted toward the side of the road as if to hit them, then pulled back. Angry, he drifted over again. There was a ...

Buddha was walking down the road with his students...

Buddha was walking down the road with his students when he saw a hole in the road with an ox stuck inside and farmer trying to get the ox out, with no avail. Buddha nodded to his pupils and they helped the guy out quickly. They continued walking, when they saw another hole in the road with another o...

So, I was driving home from work and I noticed this man at the side of the road eating grass on the verge. On the verge of throwing-up, maybe...

Anyway, I pulled up next to him and said "What are you doing man?" he replied "I'm starving".

I told him "Now, listen- there is no need to do that here. You can come to my house and eat as much as you like.".

He said "But I have a wife" so I said "that's fine she can come along too- f...

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Why did the sexually frustrated martian tell the famous astro-physicist to cross the road?

DeGrasse looked greener on the other side.

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Shit, Fuck and Manners were walking down the road

Shit falls down a hole.

Fuck runs to get help.

Eventually finds a policeman.

Fuck: I need your help quick!

Officer: Calm down, what’s your name?

Fuck: Fuck

Officer: Where are your manners?!

Fuck: Down the road picking shit up...

Why didn’t the Skelton cross the road?

It didn’t have the guts.

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
...

I'm working on a joke about road construction.

Give me a few months to lay it all out.

What do you call a road in India?

The Milky Way.

I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

That's when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

A priest was standing on the side of the road, holding a sign that said, "The end is near! Turn around before it's too late!"

A man drove up to the priest in his car, rolled down his window, and said, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" He rolled the window back up and drove off in anger.

The priest thought to himself, "I knew my sign should have just said 'Bridge Out'."

A brunette was hopping down a road......

She was singing "26! 26! 26! 26!"

A blonde crosses her path and asks what she's doing

"I'm playing a game!" The brunette replies.
"OOH A GAME! IT LOOKS SO FUN OH MY GOD CAN I PLAY?"
"sure! You just hop down this yellow line and say 26 for every jump!"

The blonde joins the ...

A whole generation will only know Billy Ray Cyrus for “Old Town Road”

And that breaks my heart. My achy breaky heart.

A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

Why was chickan across road?

That would be because my brother is terrible at both crossword puzzles and spelling.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend: Why?

Me: Because it wanted to meet a fool.

Me: knock knock.

Friend: Who is there?

Me: The chicken, open the door.

A turtle is crossing the road

when he's mugged by two snails.



When the police show up, they ask him what happened.

The shaken turtle replies: "I don't know. It all happened so fast"

A stagecoach stops in the forest. The driver says to the guy blocking the road "What are you doing? Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I'm Robbin!"

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

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Three religious bi-curious dudes are driving down a dark and dangerous road

As they speed along they're comparing the lewd details of their same sex encounters when they all suddenly die in terrible crash.

When they arrive at the gates of Heaven they see Saint Peter waiting for them with a welcoming smile.

As they approach Saint Peter says to the first man. "W...

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

Two nuns are driving down the road one evening, when suddenly a vampire jumps on top of their car.

The nun in the passenger seat yells "What should I do!". The nun driving says "Show him your cross!". The first nun leans out the window and yells "GET OFF MY BLOODY CAR!"

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

I was driving along and saw a suitcase on the side of the road, so I pulled over to investigate.

When I opened it up I saw a family of badgers.

I immediately pulled my phone out and rang the Animal Rescue number.

"Hi, I've just found a family of badgers in a suitcase."

“Are they alive?"

"No idea, I'm not a vet."

"Well are they moving?"

"Oh yeah, good po...

A man was driving down the road with some penguins in his truck when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the ro...

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

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Why did the Tiger cross the road?

To whip some Sooner ass.

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back...

A horse rider was riding along the road when he saw a person in a convertible going really fast

Finally the convertible stopped at a gas station. The rider came up and asked him, “Why are you driving so fast?”

The man responded,”my coolant system is broken, I drive fast to let the wind cool my engine.

The rider then rode off, pushing his horse faster and faster until finally it d...

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Trump, a Hindu, and a Jew go on a road trip...

Trump, a Hindu, and a Jew go on a cross-country road trip.

They stop at a farmer's house for the night and the hospitable old man lets them stay. However, the farmer's house only has two extra beds, so one person has to sleep in the barn.

The Jew offers to take the barn. "My people hav...

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

They had a great origami store down the road...

But unfortunately it folded

I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

Why did the unicorn cross the road?

Because he wanted to get hit by a car.

As told by my 4 year old.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the morgue on the other side. He was called in to identify his wife who had been hit by a truck that morning, due to failing to 'stop, look, and listen' before crossing the aforementioned road.

Why did the rooster cross the road?

In these troubled times, it can be hard to truly understand anyone’s motivations. True, the grass is always greener on the other side, and one might cross the road in hopes that those pastures truly will be more full of bird seed and such. But in doing so, one risks not only the near certain death...

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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:

“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”

The other one is curious too, so after making sure the...

Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin are riding in a car in Crimea when suddenly they see a big bull blocking the road.

Roosevelt gets out of the car and asked the bull to move, but the bull doesn't move. Churchill began to plead with the bull to move over, but the bull pays zero attention. Finally, Stalin walks over to the bull and whispers something in its ear, after which the bull sprints off into the distance. In...

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone.

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

Why wasn’t the fungus invited on the road trip?

Because there wasn’t mushroom.

Please don’t blame my seven year old for this, it was written by an adult.

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A man with a speech impediment is walking along the road

He goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk "do you have a bum and fuck it?" the clerk replies "No,but we have a bucket!" so the man buys it. Later on he heads into a pet store and he asks the clerk "do you have a cock and spank it?" the clerk replies " No, but we have a cocker spaniel!" The ma...

How do roads multiply?

They fork

95% of all Ford trucks made in the past 20 years are still on the road.

The rest have been towed home.

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Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.

"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us loo...

Have you ever seen uncensored episodes of Road Runner?

If you do you'll understand why they beeped him out.

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

Cows were blocking the road on my way home.

I told them to Moooooooove

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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

Why did Tulsi Gabbard cross the road?

She didn’t. She’s stuck in the middle.

Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: "Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green...no, amber...no, red light"

I could have just said traffic light.

Driving down the road one day, a hillbilly sees a sign in front of a farm. MULE FOR SALE $50. He stops, talks to the farmer and buys the mule. Handing the farmer his $50, he says "I'll be back tomorrow with my trailer and pick him up." The hillbilly comes back the next day and the farmer has

some bad news. The mule has died.

"Well, just give me back the $50."

"Can't do that" says the farmer..."I already spent it."

"OK, help me load it in the trailer."

"What are you going to do with a dead mule?" asks the farmer.

"I'm going to raffle him off."
...

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Two guys are on the side of the road in their car.

The first guy is thinking and he eventually comes to the conclusion: "I've seen white people, Mexicans, and even asians die, but never a black person."

The second guy thinks and says "yeah i guess i never have either. "

Then the third guy says "I see black people die all the time!"...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who also was a blonde...

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in...

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you?

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.<...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

The movie theatre down the road from my house was robbed of $50,000 last night

The newspaper said that the suspects escaped with 2 large bags of popcorn, 2 candy bars and a large soda

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