A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there.

A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

How do roads multiply?

They fork

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone.

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Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.

"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us loo...

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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

Why did the spy cross the road?

He didn't. He was never really on your side.

Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: "Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green...no, amber...no, red light"

I could have just said traffic light.

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back...

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one knows. *But the road will have his vengeance.*

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell someone they're vegan.

On a road trip, I remember passing a sign that said ‘Rest Stop 1 Mile’.

I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s really big.”

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Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ...

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Two Englishmen are walking down the road when they see a dog licking it's own testicles

One of Englishmen say

"Golly, I wish I could do that"

The second bloke responds

"That's odd. You don't know him well enough to do it"

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

Why'd the jelly cross the road?

to create a traffic jam

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the KFC.

Why did the chicken go to the KFC?

To see the chicken strip.

I tried road kill for the first time today.

It was nice but I've nowhere to hide his bike.

The movie theatre down the road from my house was robbed of $50,000 last night

The newspaper said that the suspects escaped with 2 large bags of popcorn, 2 candy bars and a large soda

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

What's the difference between a woman in the 1900's and the road?

One has rights

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Two men walking down the road see a blind dog shagging a cabbage...

One of the men says "poor bugger must of thought it was a Collie."

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

What is the difference between a dead dog and lawyer lying in the road?

The dog has skid marks leading up to it.

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

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Why did the incel cross the road?

Trick question, they never leave their parents’ basement.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was incredibly depressed. He wanted to die. Getting hit by a car would be easy. He wanted to get to the "other side."

Why did the postdoctoral law student cross the road?

To drop his resume off at the other restaurant.

Why did the jelly cross the road?

He wanted to create a traffic jam.



I am aware that these are 2 different substances

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant preacher and a rabbi see a kid walking down the road.

The preaches says "Hey, look at the cute little kid!"
The priest says "Let's fuck him!"
The rabbi, confused, says "Out of what?"

Why did the man cross the road?

Because we're living in a world where people need to do that occasionally!

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Why did the Tank Man cross the road?

What Tank Man? Who's that? Nothing happened in Tiananmen Square.

*this post has been deleted for offending our overlords*

A car starts to violently swerve on the road.

It cuts across the center line, whips back to the shoulder and then back into its lane. It continues to do this over and over until a cop pulls the vehicle over.

When the cop approaches the vehicle, he notices that the driver is a blonde. He asks her why she was swerving all over the road a...

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

NSFW Two Rednecks See a Dog on the Side of the Road

licking its balls.

One redneck says, "I wish I could do that."
The other says, "Man, I think he'd bite you."

Two professors of economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat.

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you ₹10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and finally eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. When he sees another dead rat on the road, he ...

A man driving down a freeway road at 55 MPH.

He looks out the window and sees a chicken running along side his car. He speeds up to 65 and the chicken is keeping pace with him. He notices that the chicken seems to have multiple legs but before he can confirm it the chicken takes a hard left turn down a dirt road. Intrigued he turns around and ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it got sick of people constantly questioning its motivations.

A man is driving down the road with several knives in the back of his truck when a police officer pulls him over

The police officer asks the man, "Why do you have so many knives in the back of your truck?"

The man responds, "Well sir, I'm a juggler it's part of my act."

The police officer responds snarling, "We've had several homicides the past few weeks I'm going to need you to prove it!"
...

There's nothing I like more than sleeping through a road trip

But they're always saying keep your eyes on the road

Why did my abusive dad cross the road?

Beats me...

A guy sees another guy on the other side of the road and runs towards him

"John! John I havent seen you in so long, how have you been?"

"Um, hello, I'm fine thanks but who are you?" the man answered

"Well its me, Frank, don't you remember? We were in high school together!"

"Maybe, are you sure?"

"Yes, you've changed so much! You used to be fit!...

Why did EA cross the road

Pay 50$ to find out.

A man is walking his dog down the road

An attractive woman who is passing by stops bends over and starts petting the dog.

She looks up and asks "What's his name ?"

The man replies "I don't know he won't tell me"

A new bar opened up down the road that offered free Wi-Fi. I asked the bar keeper for the password and he said "two drink minimum"

So I quickly downed 2 shots and again asked for the password. He said "twodrinkminimum: all one word"

A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL...

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swa...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

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I was so desperate for the toilet earlier while I was driving, that I pulled up to the side of the road for a piss.

Majorly annoyed my examiner.

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

Why did Winnie the Pooh cross the road?

Becaus- Censored in China

Late one night this guy is speeding down the empty road.

A cop sees him go flying past so chases him and pulls him over. The cop goes up to the car and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, "Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop looks at h...

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

The county's road maintenance staff got a new trainee.

The trainee is tasked to paint the lines of a reconstructed highway before it is to be re-opened for public traffic.

- On Day 1 the trainee painted 5 miles.
- On Day 2 the trainee painted 2.6 miles.
- On Day 3 the trainee painted 0.9 miles.
- On Day 4 the trainee gets then question...

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How did the Unvaccinated Child cross the Road?

By a Hearse.

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A man and his family are on a road trip...

They pull into a seedy looking motel for the night. When they go to check in, he sends his family to the room and leans over the counter and says to the attendant:
"Sir, I hope all your porn channels are disabled."

The man behind the counter looks at him disgustedly and says:

"No, t...

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My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin lo...

Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger cross the road?

So he could GET TO DA CHOPPAH!

Saw a Best Buy down the road closing down

I guess they got best bought

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Three homeless men (a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man) see a dead dog in the middle of the road

The white man says” Let’s all put in $10 and see who lays down beside the dog the longest and the winner gets the money”. The men agree and put $10 in each. The white man went first and laid down next to the dog.5 minutes pass. Then 10. Then 15. He finally gets up and says “ I can’t do this anymore”...

So an Amish couple are in their horse and buggy going down the road during a blizzard...

The woman spots a skunk lying in the road. She turns to her husband and says, "Honey, pull over, he must be freezing!"

So the husband pulls over and the wife gets out and gets the skunk and get on their way again.

After about 5 minutes, she says to her husband, "Oh honey, he is still s...

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

Two nuns riding bicycles on tiny back roads in Vatican City...

One old and one young, they pedal down the tiny side streets admiring the scenery. The young nun sighs and says, "Wow, I've never come this way before."

The other nun goes, "Ah, yes, my dear. It's the cobblestones."

A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.

The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this."

He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one."

The kid looks between the notes and eventually...

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What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To go to the paddy field.

Yeah, this is what happens when you start outsourcing your jokes...

Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

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I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

I used to hitchhike at the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere in life. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed for a while.

A man is travelling down a desert road when he sees a sign saying "SPEED LIMIT 40". He lowers his speed to 40 MPH.

Half an hour later, he sees one with the words "SPEED LIMIT 20", so he goes down to 20 MPH.

Another half an hour passes, and he sees a sign with the words "SPEED LIMIT 10". Surprised, he slows down to 10 MPH.

After an hour, he sees a sign saying "WELCOME TO SPEED LIMIT!".

Two Irishmen were walking down the road together.

One says to the other “Heard you buried your wife last Sunday.”

The other replies “Had to. Dead y’know.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he was hungry, but these fast food restaurants are always on the #!&* left side!

Why did the egg cross the road?

Because it felt an inclination.

Two men are walking down a country road.

They come across a dog laying under the shade of a tree just to the side of the road, licking its balls. The first man looks at the dog and sees what its doing and says to the second man.
“I wish I could do that.”
The second man replies,
“You might want to try petting it first.”

One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

Jason is driving when he sees a hitch hiker on the side of the road.

The man looks a bit rough, but Jason pulls over and lets him in.

After driving for a few minutes, the hitch hiker asks, "Hey, aren't you worried that I might be a serial killer?"

Jason chuckles lightly and replies, "The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are very slim."

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As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

Yesterday I saw a guy drop all his scrabble letters on the road

I asked him what’s the word on the street

What did the chicken say to the duck who was just about to cross the road?

"Don't do it bro, you will never hear the end of it..."

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