An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

Why did EA cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...

At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.

After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown ...

A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I'm looking for a turn-off.”

I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are taking a road trip.

A cop pulls them over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"


"No, but I know exactly where I am." Heisenberg replies.

​

The cop says "You were doing 60 in a 35." Heisenberg throws his hands up and yells "Great, and now I'm...

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A boy is walking down a road...

... when a car pulls up beside him. The window rolls down, and a man leans out and says, 'Get in the car and i'll give you a bag of sweets.' The boy says no. So the man leans out again, and says, 'Get in the car, and you can have a bag of sweets, and £20.' The boy says no. So the man leans out again...

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A farmer is driving down the road and ..

A farmer is driving down the road and sees one of his sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Standing behind the sheep is his neighbor, just fucking away. The farmer stops and shouts over "What the hell are you doing!?"

​

"HI there, just fucking a sheep, you want next?"
...

Why did the cow cross the road?

Who knows why your momma does anything.

A man is driving down the road when he sees a Native American in a booth that says "Chief Remembers All"

So the guy pulls over and says "So, you really remember all?" And the indian says "How, stranger. Yes, I remember all" So the guy says "Ok, what did you eat for breakfast 10 years ago?"

The indian contemplates for a second, and confidently says "Eggs" so the guy says "Oh sure...How do I know ...

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‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

“Now that’s an old one.” The chicken smiled to himself as he looked across the barren road in front of him, the age old question repeating itself in his mind.

On one side, the chicken stood. The other, a lone bar in the middle of nowhere. And yet, at some point, it was once the most bustling ...

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Why did the baby cross the road?

Because he was nailed to the Chicken.

(This used to be a family favorite back when my dad and I would tell jokes at the dinner table. My mom hated it, but we loved it. I'm sure it's been posted 500 times before, but I was feeling nostalgic)

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Why did the pervert cross the road?

His cock was stuck in the chicken

Why didn’t the cow cross the road

The chicken said “don’t do it man you’ll never here the end of it”

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning.

How did the dead baby get across the road?

Stapled to the Chicken.

I think I just found out what the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” joke ACTUALLY meant.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To get to the other side.”

Maybe the “other side” meant the afterlife, meaning that when the chicken was crossing the road, it probably got ran over by a car.

The joke was that you were supposed to take the punchline very literally at first, b...

A truck driver sees a naked man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and dro...

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

I was just walking down the road when someone threw a full block of cheese at me

I told them “That wasn’t very mature was it?”

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

A man is driving down the road when he sees someone on the side of the road with three eyes, no arms and one leg ...

He pulls over and says, eye, eye eye, you look armless, hop in.

What's the actual reason the chicken crossed the road?

To find the answer to this joke.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” and speeds past them.

From around the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash....

My girlfriend told me she wanted to try road head!

Of course I was down! So we went for a long drive, turned the cruise control on, and she got to work.

It was great.

I don't think I want to try it again though, it was pretty difficult steering from the passenger seat.

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"

He replied "Fancy dress party"

"What as?" I asked

"Tortoise" the man shouted back

"Who's she?" I questioned

To which he responded "That's Michelle"

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I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To find people who care about its cake day.

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

Why'd the crip cross the road?

Cuzz.

Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the building on the other side.

What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?

Catching all those chickens that had crossed it

A chicken walks over to a duck standing on the side of the road.

The duck is considering crossing to the other side.

“Don’t do it, pal,” the chicken says. “You’ll never hear the end of it.”

I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A guy is walking along a road when he spots a frog looking up at him.

The frog hops towards him quickly and calls out, "Hey! Help me! I've been turned into a frog by a cruel witch! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess!!"

The guy is shocked at first but then smiles, picks the frog up, puts it in his bag, and keeps on walking.

After a f...

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An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, "What's wrong?"

The boy says, "Me ma is dead."

"Oh bejaysus," the man replies. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"

The boys says, "No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."

I saw a snake on the side of the road that was 3.14 feet long...

Turned out to be a πthon..

80% of all Fords manufactured are still on the road today.

The other 20% made it home.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

One day an engineer was crossing a road when

a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer to...

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.



‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’



The driver finally f...

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell the people across the street she's vegan.

Did you hear about the chickens idea to cross the road?

Yeah it wasn't worried, said the idea was nothing to balk at

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

Because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend 1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend 2: Idk, why?

Friend 1: To get to the idiots house.

Friend 1: Knock Knock

Friend 2: Who’s there

Friend 1: The chicken

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a dead raccoon on the side of the road today

Lucky bastard

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Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination...

As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road.

A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: "Ay bruh, where we at?" Jerome responds: "Sheee...

Why did the infertile chicken cross the road?

She wanted to take adavantage of Burger King's 10 piece special. She now has lil nuggets of her own.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two blokes running down the road

Two blokes running down the road shouting, "Help, help a lion's escaped". A passerby says, "Which way did it go?" One of the blokes says, "You stupid dickhead, you don't think we're fucking chasing it do you?!"

What is the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why did the lawyer cross the road?

To pick up his law suit from the dry cleaners.

Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.

There's a lot to do in Chicago.

I was driving down the road when I passed a strip club that advertised it had "high caliber women".

To this day I still can't understand why they wouldn't want someone under 45 working there.

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says,

-Sister, shall we ju...

So my buddy and I were driving down a country road and see a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.

Now, like any good ol Montana boy I know a good opportunity when I see it. I pull over and walk up to the sheep and unzip my pants and start giving it to her. I'm really give'n her the boots when I look over and my buddy is jacking off. I mean, he's really beat'n his meat. Kinda freaked out I stop ...

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Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

I threw up whilst driving on a twisty road...

A Nissan Juke had passed me

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Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate

Why did the crab cross the road?

Actually, it never did. It used the sidewalk.

A traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the g...

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by...

A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by. The sphinx said to the man "you may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"

The man thought for a moment and answered "imagination".

"Wrong", s...

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Why did the Cactus cross the road?

Cause it was stuck to the chicken’s butt.

Why did the unicorn cross the road?

To make the rainbow connection!

We were driving down the road when a koala cut ahead of us and knocked into the car.

We sped up alongside of him and yelled out "Hey, you clipped us."

In England they drive on the left side of the road.

In new England you drive on what's left of the road.

Everyone be careful on the roads tonight

There will be a lot of drinking so men will have their wives drive for them

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Gordan Ramsey was walking down the road and saw a dog.

He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A truck driver was driving down the road

He read a small sign nailed to a light pole that said “peaches that taste like everything and anything.” Curious, the truck driver drove down the road that the sign was nailed to and came across and old man with a little setup in front of a farm. The truck driver parked his truck and went over to ...

Why did the Nihilist cross the road?

Does it really matter ?

What is spidermans favorite road?

Peter parkway.