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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"

Cop: Sir, you’re driving on the wrong side of the road.

Driver: Sorry, I’m English.

Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit.

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?" 

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." 

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" ...

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

Why did the politician cross the road?

Well actually he hasn’t yet, but he says he will Very soon now and he promises that when he does...

Why did the kid cross the road?

He forgot to buckle his seatbelt

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.

I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.

A man is driving down the road when he sees a Native American in a booth that says "Chief Remembers All"

So the guy pulls over and says "So, you really remember all?" And the indian says "How, stranger. Yes, I remember all" So the guy says "Ok, what did you eat for breakfast 10 years ago?"

The indian contemplates for a second, and confidently says "Eggs" so the guy says "Oh sure...How do I know ...

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Why did the chiken cross the road?

Gordom Ramsay: Because it's so fucking raw that it's still moving

Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

None of your damn business. Am I being detained?

Those ‘watch for children’ road signs are weird,

I mean, how dangerous can a child be

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack....

what’s another name for road head?

van hoover

Yesterday I saw a man spill his scrabble letters on the road

I asked him “what’s the word on the street ?”

Why did EA cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

Why's the musician standing at the side of the road with a tuner?

His tire is flat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

“Now that’s an old one.” The chicken smiled to himself as he looked across the barren road in front of him, the age old question repeating itself in his mind.

On one side, the chicken stood. The other, a lone bar in the middle of nowhere. And yet, at some point, it was once the most bustling ...

Why did the spy cross the road?

He didn't. He was never really on your side.

A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...

At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.

After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown ...

2 Irishmen walking down a country road

One of the men says to the other, “Paddy look!, there’s a gravestone of a man who lived to 250 years old!”

Paddy says “What was his name?”

Brendan replies “Miles to London”

Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I'm looking for a turn-off.”

I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

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What do you call a guy standing off the side of the road, with his arm up a horses butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

I keep trying to leave Rome...

But all the roads have this weird thing...

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses...

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A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire

A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire.

He stops and starts changing the tire when a huge storm starts.

With all the rain the screws got washed away trough the sewers.

He's pissed and soaked lost in the middle of nowhere at nig...

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

I met Jesus while walking on a dusty road, he pulled out some bread and fish. Then some red wine.

At that point I knew the guy wasn't legit because white wine goes a lot better with fish than red does. Rookie mistake.

Two guys driving down the road

They see a dog licking his balls.
One guy says:
"Man I wish I could do that"
The other guy says:
"Man he'd bite you"

From a song I like and probably somebody's grandpa. Definitely can picture an old man telling this joke.

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Two nuns are driving down a road...

Two nuns are driving down a road, when a drunken man jumps out and sprawls himself over the front of their car. One nun says to the other,

"Go out and show him your cross."

So she gets out, "Get off our fucking car!"

Why did the sovereign citizen cross the road?

That none of your business and I am free to travel on my way without being harassed, am I being detained?

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road

without having their motives questioned

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm not a road builder

Guy #1: You see that house over there? I built that house with me bare hands. Do they call me a house builder? No!

Guy #2: Okay

Guy #1: You see that bridge over there? I built that bridge with me bare hands. Do they call me a bridge builder? No!

Guy #2: Sure

Guy #1: You s...

Why did the chicken cross the road

Why did the chicken cross the road

To get to the idiots house



Knock, knock

Who’s there

The chicken

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are taking a road trip.

A cop pulls them over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"


"No, but I know exactly where I am." Heisenberg replies.

​

The cop says "You were doing 60 in a 35." Heisenberg throws his hands up and yells "Great, and now I'm...

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A boy is walking down a road...

... when a car pulls up beside him. The window rolls down, and a man leans out and says, 'Get in the car and i'll give you a bag of sweets.' The boy says no. So the man leans out again, and says, 'Get in the car, and you can have a bag of sweets, and £20.' The boy says no. So the man leans out again...

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A farmer is driving down the road and ..

A farmer is driving down the road and sees one of his sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Standing behind the sheep is his neighbor, just fucking away. The farmer stops and shouts over "What the hell are you doing!?"

​

"HI there, just fucking a sheep, you want next?"
...

I saw a road that is full of people who smokes marijuana.

It's called a highway.

Why did the cow cross the road?

Who knows why your momma does anything.

I think I just found out what the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” joke ACTUALLY meant.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To get to the other side.”

Maybe the “other side” meant the afterlife, meaning that when the chicken was crossing the road, it probably got ran over by a car.

The joke was that you were supposed to take the punchline very literally at first, b...

So I hit another vehicles bumper the other day, so we both pulled over to the side of the road. The driver got out. I noticed he was a dwarf, he shouted, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "then which one are you?"

Why didn’t the cow cross the road

The chicken said “don’t do it man you’ll never here the end of it”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel just outside of Atlanta...

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops $500 and says,

“I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The astonished Madam stares at him and says,

“But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal!”

The Trucker r...

Why did the baby cross the road?

Because he was nailed to the Chicken.

(This used to be a family favorite back when my dad and I would tell jokes at the dinner table. My mom hated it, but we loved it. I'm sure it's been posted 500 times before, but I was feeling nostalgic)

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A truck driver working a long nightshift gets halted by a green man in the middle of a deserted road. The driver slams on his brakes an gets out of the truck

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He screams,
The green man replies:
"I'm from Mars motherfucker, I'm gay as fuck and I'm hungry, now give me some food or your ass will be sorry!"
Quite startled, the truck driver hands over his midnight snack and POOF the green man disappears into a ball of...

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Sexual pleasure is a two way road

You scratch my back

I put my finger in your ass

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"

He replied "Fancy dress party"

"What as?" I asked

"Tortoise" the man shouted back

"Who's she?" I questioned

To which he responded "That's Michelle"

A truck driver sees a naked man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and dro...

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An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, "What's wrong?"

The boy says, "Me ma is dead."

"Oh bejaysus," the man replies. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"

The boys says, "No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old Town Road is a new type of song: a combination of country and rap.

I call it: Crap

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Down the road...

A farmer has a horse for sale. The farmer sees a dust cloud heading down the dirt road towards his farm. A truck pulls up, the door opens and a dwarf jumps out.
“I came to see your howrsey.” Says the dwarf. The farmer walks him to stable where he keep the horse. The dwarf looks at the horse and ...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” She finally asked. The police women replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror...

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I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

My girlfriend told me she wanted to try road head!

Of course I was down! So we went for a long drive, turned the cruise control on, and she got to work.

It was great.

I don't think I want to try it again though, it was pretty difficult steering from the passenger seat.

A penguin is driving down the road

A penguin is driving through the desert and his car starts to sputter and loose power. He just barely makes it to a mechanic, the car stalling out as he coasted into the parking lot.

He walking in and asks if there is anything that can be done. The mechanic tells him that he’ll give it a look...

I was just walking down the road when someone threw a full block of cheese at me

I told them “That wasn’t very mature was it?”

One day an engineer was crossing a road when

a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer to...

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A man is driving down the road when he sees someone on the side of the road with three eyes, no arms and one leg ...

He pulls over and says, eye, eye eye, you look armless, hop in.

How did the dead baby get across the road?

Stapled to the Chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To find people who care about its cake day.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are in car that is driving on a remote desert road.

All of a sudden, an armadillo runs into the road and the car swerves to avoid hitting it. Unfortunately, the car was going very fast, so it flips upside down and lights on fire.

The three women in the car only have enough time to grab one type of item before escaping. The redhead grabs a bun...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mottingham Road closed after man in 70s hit by car.

Fuck me, I though they'd have opened it by now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says,

-Sister, shall we ju...

I saw a snake on the side of the road that was 3.14 feet long...

Turned out to be a πthon..

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

Because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

A chicken walks over to a duck standing on the side of the road.

The duck is considering crossing to the other side.

“Don’t do it, pal,” the chicken says. “You’ll never hear the end of it.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two blokes running down the road

Two blokes running down the road shouting, "Help, help a lion's escaped". A passerby says, "Which way did it go?" One of the blokes says, "You stupid dickhead, you don't think we're fucking chasing it do you?!"

80% of all Fords manufactured are still on the road today.

The other 20% made it home.

Why did the infertile chicken cross the road?

She wanted to take adavantage of Burger King's 10 piece special. She now has lil nuggets of her own.

What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?

Catching all those chickens that had crossed it

Why'd the crip cross the road?

Cuzz.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a dead raccoon on the side of the road today

Lucky bastard

A guy is walking along a road when he spots a frog looking up at him.

The frog hops towards him quickly and calls out, "Hey! Help me! I've been turned into a frog by a cruel witch! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess!!"

The guy is shocked at first but then smiles, picks the frog up, puts it in his bag, and keeps on walking.

After a f...

Did you hear about the chickens idea to cross the road?

Yeah it wasn't worried, said the idea was nothing to balk at

Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.

There's a lot to do in Chicago.

What is the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination...

As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road.

A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: "Ay bruh, where we at?" Jerome responds: "Sheee...

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