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Road Jokes

Why did princess Diana cross the road

She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock.

Why did the lion cross the road ?

To get to the other pride..

My Daughter: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "I dunno"

"To get to the idiots house"
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"Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

"It's the chicken...."



She's 8...

Man was walking on the road late at night when he was attacked by two muggers

He put up a brave fight, but ultimately the muggers overpowered and beat him up, then proceeded to go through his pockets.

"There's only $5 in his pocket" said one of them.

"You just fought like hell for $5!?" asked the second one incredulously.

"$5? I thought you were after the...

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

Where does a sheep sit in the car during a road trip?

In the Ba a a ack

Why the chicken’s ghost cross the road?

To come from the other side.

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Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car."

I didn't want to believe my brother was stealing from his job at the city's Road Service department

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"

I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

Why did the Bubblegum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.

...

Credit goes to my 6 year old son who told me this just now.

One day, a boy was walking down a road when a frog called to him

The boy picked up the frog, smiled at it, then placed the frog into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, “Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I will stay with you for a week.” The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, then put it back into his po...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery..

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

Some couple was getting a little frisky behind the wheel of an Altima on a slick street, lost control and went slightly off the road, hit a tree with the front end and needed to call an ambulance and roadside assistance.

A classic case of Head, Shoulder, Nissan Tows, Ice, ERs, Mouth and Nose.

A magician walks down the road…

…and turns into a shop.

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2 chickens are trying to cross the road

The one turns around to the other and asks “shall we cross here?” The other chicken replies “fuck that! Have you saw what they done to the zebra?!”

Cop : you are driving on the wrong side of the road

Driver: Sorry, I‘m English

Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It‘s the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...

Two blondes were driving down the road...

The blonde driver looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.''

Why did the Sith Lord cross the road?

To get to the dark side!

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I saw the strangest thing on the road today: a horse at full speed pulling a donkey in a cart.

That horse was really haulin' ass.

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Old country road

A young man walks down country road every day by an old man and his banjo sitting on his porch.

Walking down the country road on his first day of summer, he was carrying chicken wire. The old man asked, “hey boi, where ye goin with that there chicken wire” To which the boy replied, “I’m goin...

I just see my friend sprinting down the road…

I stopped him and asked “Jim, what’s the matter?!?”.

He told me he was on a date with a beautiful women he met at work and she told him she wants to have his children.

I said “so why are you running?”

“I’m going home to get them for her”.

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a blonde was driving down the road when her car broke

She notices that her cellphone battery is was dead, so she heads to the nearest motel and talks to the owner

"Please, can you help me, I don't have a penny on me, my car is broken and I need to make a phone call"

"I don't run a charity, but if you do me a favor I might help you"
...

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,...

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A priest and a rabbi are standing at the side of the road holding a sign that says "Turn around. The end is nigh." A young man passing by in a car leans out to shout at them, "Get fucked you religious freaks" and races away. Moments later they hear a yell and a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says "I told you, we should have just said 'Warning. Bridge collapsed.'"

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!

Which car is best for off-road?

A company car…

Did you hear about the conjoined twins who got hit by a car crossing the road?

It was a tragedy... Why didn't they look both ways?

A turkey tries crossing the road

But a chicken stops him and says 'Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it.'

Women are like road maps.

I spend a lot of time looking at them, but they always end up making me confused.

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2 tampons were walking down the road. who talked first?

Neither. They're both stuck up cunts.

[OC] from my 5 year old foster kid tonight: Why did the Chicken cross the road?

To get to the oven slide.

What do you call a flock of geese on the road?

Goosebumps!

A duck was waiting to cross the road, when a chicken came running up.

"Whatever you do, don't do it!" shouted the chicken. "You'll never hear the end of it!"

Why did the chicken only cross half the road?

It got two tired.

Why did the two timing husband cross the road?

To get to the other bride, of course.

Ya know why they put rumble strips on the side of roads?

It's braille. So that the blind can see where they're driving.

Driving down the road and saw my ex.

It’s funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years.

While driving down the road, two robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

One day there was a farmer tending to his crops when he saw a nun walking down the road.

He asked her where she was going and she told him the local convent was out of food so she was headed into town to see if anyone could spare some food. The farmer told her he could save her a trip and just give her some of his crops. Unfortunately, the only crop he had ready to harvest was cucumbers...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Ce...

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A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

I was walking down the road along with my dog, looking cool in my black sunglasses when a youtuber pulled me aside.

He said,

"If you can walk round the park and back to me, I'll give you 10 bucks. The catch is that you will have to do it blindfolded"

I accepted his challenge and completed it in under 5 minutes. He was surprised and asked me how I did it so quickly. I replied,

"It was just a ...

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A car in central London was weaving all over the road one night.

A patrol car spotted him and pulled him over. The officer approached the car and said, “Sir, get out of the car, I need you to blow into this breathalyser.”

The driver reached into his pocket and produced a doctor’s note. It read: “This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform...

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A guy is driving down a long road one night.

All of a sudden a little green man jumps Infront of his car, forcing him to stop.
The little man goes up to the window and says "I'm the asshole green dwarf, give me a lime or else!" The man is flustered and says "But I don't have a lime".
The dwarf breaks his driver side mirror and runs away....

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

(Tagged NSFW to be on the safe side)This penguin is out in a road trip.

You know, just seein’ the sights, being a tourist.

He gets out on the freeway and really opens ‘er up tearing siwn the road.

Suddenly, his car gives a pop, and smoke starts billowing out of his hood.

Cripes, he thinks, and he pulls off the freeway and slowly works his way to a m...

A truck driver hated seeing door-to-door religious zealots walking down the road

He hated how they would go from house to house, bothering people and questioning their faith. So whenever he would see some walking down the road, he would slow down, ease over, and bump them with his fender to make them fall down into the mud on the side of the road. He grew to enjoy the satisfac...

A man is driving home from work when he gets a call from his wife.

"Be careful on the road, honey. I heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the highway."

"It's not just one car," he responds, "it's hundreds of them!"

Two snakes are slithering down the road & chatting.

Snake #1: Oh, boy. I hope I'm not venomous...

Snake #2: Wait, what? Why?

Snake #1: Because I just bit my tongue.

Why is "why did the chicken cross the road?" considered the very first dad joke?

It was originally "why did the egg cross the road?" but it didn't have legs.

Why did the pie cross the road?

Because it was meetin' potato.

Moral of the story...

The teacher gave her class an assignment. They were to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back tell their stories.

Cathy began, "My father's a farmer and we were taking our eggs to market in a basket when we hit a bump in the road ...

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A group of nuns were on a cross-country road trip

When they encountered a man driving erratically on the freeway, speeding, cutting them off, break checking and just generally driving in a way that would make the Lord frown.

"This man needs Jesus. Show him your Cross"

That's when sweet old Sister Mary Margaret pulled up along side of...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

I saw a magic car driving down the road

It turned into a gas station

I've been stuck in Rome for the past 3 weeks

All their roads have this weird design flaw.

Why Did the mother in law cross the road?

She thought it was a boundary.

An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road

The driver discovers he has no service and can't call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him. "Hey man, having car trouble?" The driver asks. "I'm afraid so." The driver of the Fiat answers. "Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I'll tow you to the nearest garage!"...

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My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

Road trip

Grandma needed a ride to a family wedding in another state but refused to let anyone give her a ride because she had always heard that the roads were so dangerous.

Finally, her grandson convinced her that we would take her down a road that hasn't had any accidents on it in years and ever show...

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

A man awakes to find himself lying by a lonely country road with no memory of who he is and how he got there. Then a genie appears...

"What is your third wish, master?" the Genie says.

Confused, the man feebly asks, "My wish?", "Who are you, and why can't I remember anything?"

"I am your genie," the Genie replies. "You are here because your second wish was to forget who you were and be taken far away from everything ...

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

What do roads and farts have in common?

Asphalt.

A cabbie picks up a nun...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old...

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

Why did the Hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate...

Dad and son octopus crossing the road, dad said to his son:

gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand. (Courtesy of my 1st grader).

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of tarmac under his arm.

He says to the barman "one for me and one for the road"

While on watch on the highway, a cop sees a car going really slow...

He believes underspeeding is just as dangerous as overspeeding, so he pulls the car over.

He walks upto the driver's window. Inside the car, he sees two old ladies in the front and three in the back.

The old lady who is driving asks the cop, "Why have you pulled me over, sir?"

...

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Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts!

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Why did the Pigeon fly across the road?

To shit on the other side.

After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he's going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He's pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he's just too tired to continue, and just can't make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride ...

Why did the water cross the road?

Because it didn’t give a dam!


-my 5 year old daughter

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby.

She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my husband hath oft taken that road.”

[This is translated from a joke book from the Middle ...

A Scottish guy goes on holiday in Canada

He befriends a local at the bar. As they are stumbling home he sees a gigantic animal across the road. "Whats that?" he slurs.

"Oh that's just a moose."

"Och! If that's a moose, how big are your rats?!"

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

I saw an ill Raven on the side of the road, and took it to a vet.

After a few tests, the vet tells me that it has a viral infection, and to put on a mask.

Turns out it had Crowvid.

An Amish farmer and his son were driving their horse-drawn buggy down a road where there was no room to turn around in either direction for two miles.

Suddenly, a man coming the other way in an expensive sports car screeches to a stop in front of them, then begins honking his horn.

The farmer pulls the buggy to a stop, rises from his seat, and rolls up his sleeves. "If you do not back up, I will not like what I have to do," he loudly says....

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from th...

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road

It got stuck in a crack

Ghost taxi

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very DARK NIGHT and in the midst of a FIERCE rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling...

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A policeman stands near the road...

Waiting for some cars to pass by. Finally a family sedan appears in his sight and as the car approaches the officer gives a signal to the driver to pull up. A young man and a young woman are sitting on the front seats while an elderly pair had taken the seats behind them. The sedan stops and the pol...

Joke by my 6yr old. What do you call a baby that crossed the road?

Flat baby

Seeking therapy for her now lol

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The other day I was pulled over by a cop and arrested…

Him: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: I’ve pulled you over because you were all over the road, have you been drinking tonight, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: Okay, I’m going to get you to say the alphabet backwards for me, okay?

Me...

Willie Nelson has been hospitalized after being struck by a car today.

He was playing on the road again.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it saw someone from work on a Saturday.

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We went on a long-overdue family road trip this summer.

Unfortunately, we ran out of gas on Donner Pass. When I called for help they really chewed my ass.

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

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A doctor is taking a joyride down a long country road.

He doesn’t pay attention to his speed and eventually passes a police officer that was hidden behind some trees with a radar gun. The officer immediately pulls the guy over and approaches the car. He asks the guys for his license and registration. When he looks at the guy’s license he notices he a do...

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

What’s the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player on the side of the road?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

The talking horse

A man is riding his moped on a dark evening along the countryside. At some point his moped's engine starts to stutter and dies. He's now forced to push his moped along this poorly lit road all the way till he gets home.

At some point, somewhere out of the dark, he hears a voice yelling "greas...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again?

A dirty double-crosser.

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

Did you hear about the snail that drew and S on his car?

Now whenever he drives down the road people say “look at that S car go”

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A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she’s pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver’s license.

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectan...

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Johnny's teacher noticed him walking down the street one Saturday--

She was used to Little Johnny's antics by now, but this time was weird, even for him. He was holding a cat, and what looked like a pack of Tic-tacs. He would walk for a little bit, stop, eat a couple of candies, bite the cat, and start walking again.

When they got close enough, she asked, "Li...

Why did the Roman Army cross the road?

They were crucifying Jesus

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Two ranchers are driving down a dirt road.

Two ranchers are driving down a dirt road when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The first rancher says “Man I haven’t had any pussy in weeks!” He jumps out of the truck and just starts fucking the sheep. The first rancher looks over at the second and says “ Hey, do you want...

If you see and old person and a child in the road you're driving on, what do you hit??

The Brakes!!

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