UPJOKE
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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

One sunny day in January 2021, an older man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a parch bench

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old ...

The Pope speeding.

The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments. At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope ...

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue...

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.

The ...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.













PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in t...

Two blondes wait at a bus stop.

A bus pulls up and opens the door.

One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver,

"Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."

The other blonde leans inside and asks, "How about me?"

I once lived on a street named Prescott avenue...

And my neighboirs had a miscarriage with their already named baby Scott. So they painted over the pre in Prescott and wrote Postscott. Everyone thought they murdered him so there was a police investigation, and they got off Scott free...

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Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue. As they passed the intersection with 15th street NW, they came across a man dressed as a massive phallus smoking a cigarette.

Roosevelt, being opposed to the use of tobacco products, stopped the man and said "Son, ...

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A man is walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City.

He sees a long line of people who all appear to be anxiously waiting for something. Intrigued, he asks a woman in the line what she's waiting for.

"Apparently the President is in town raising money for his family's legal bills," she responds.

"Huh. That's got to be a lot of money. I'm ...

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An rich man and a poor man go shopping for their wives on 5th Avenue.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What did you get your wife?"
The rich man says, "I got her a pair of shoes and a Mercedes."
Poor man goes, "Why a pair of shoes and a Mercedes?"
Rich man says, "Because if she doesn't like the shoes, she can go return them in her new Mercedes. What did you g...

A Two-Fold Accident

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there's glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat....

I was walking down 5th avenue...

When I saw a dog approaching an intersection.

"Love!!" Someone shouted behind me, I turned to look and saw a man sprinting towards the dog. A car was just meters away from hitting the dog, and the dog stood there like a deer caught in the headlights. Milliseconds before impact, the man grabbe...

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100."

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above

"You will live to be 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years ...

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

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A rich man and a poor man are Christmas shopping

A rich man and a poor man are Christmas shopping on Madison Avenue when they run into each other and talk about the gifts they've bought their wives.

The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas and the rich man says "I got my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz" ...

Joe just got a job as a repairman.

Joe just got a job as a repairman.

His boss tells him, "You're needed at 69th Street, Avenue D to repair a man's fence."

Joe goes and repairs the fence.

Joe gets paid and goes back to the company building.

His boss tells him, "I've got a job for you at 69th Street, Avenue...

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, ...

Gettysburg address

1201 Wainwright Avenue

Trump has pledged to fulfill one last campaign promise before he leaves

to finally follow through on campaign pledge to stand in middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody.

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A woman, tired of bad relationships, posts an ad online

The ad reads "Looking for a man who would treat me right and won't hit me, who would never run away from me, and would give me the best sex of my life. If you meet this criteria, come see me at 22A Greenich avenue"

People come and go, but noone is to her liking. Just when she was about to giv...

Two jokes from the USSR

1. A guy walks in the phone booth and makes a call:
- Is this anonymic phone of KGB?
- Yes, comrade Piotr Trasevich, who lives in the hpuse no5 of Nevski avenue in St. Petersburg, has a wife, two kids, orange car and love affair, this is anonymic phone of KGB.

2. KGB agent brings a susp...

The last will

Joe was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Simon, I...

Barry likes the number five.

He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.

One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Mambo Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.

It finished...

The beverage company Nage decided to do something new.

In the tiny village of Mars, Kansas, a new themepark opened on the outskirts of town. Touted as the future of entertainment, the beverage company "Nage" decided to take all their leftover & recycled parts of their product, and turn them into hardened plastic materials to construct their attracti...

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Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

The last rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!"...

Monty Smith

Monty has five letters in his first name...
He has 5 letters in his second name...

He has lived his entire life at 555 West 55th Street
In NYC

And worked his entire career at Saks 5 Avenue

He met his wife in Fifth Grade..

He has 5 kids and owns 5 cars...

Nee...

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right,
and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the
floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a
little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you ...

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High School Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After...

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A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

The priest was walking down the street looking sad.

“What happened?” asked a parishioner.
“I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella.”
“Here’s what you do. Next sermon talk about the Ten Commandments and look around when you quote ‘Thou shall not steal’ and see who bows his head in shame.”

Next week the priest walks happi...

A horse wanted to start a band.

It has always been a dream of his, the horse. He always fantasized about the day he’d sell out avenues with his talented bandmates. He thought to himself, “today, I will make my dream come true. No more waiting around.” Only problem is, he doesn’t know how to play any instrument, though he did have ...

A rich man wants to meet the Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama is in New York City walking with his entourage down Fifth Avenue. A rich man comes out to meet him. He's trying to push his way through the throngs of adoring people but the Dalai Lama's procession is moving too quickly. The rich man is running next to the crowd trying to catch up wi...

I was having some trouble with a crossword.

I said to my dad, "I'm stuck on this crossword. Six letters, a broad road in a town or city. I still haven't got it!"

"Avenue?"

"No, I haven't, stop rubbing it in."

Gotta reduce our costs

After the Wall Street crisis, this executive got a got smaller bonus, so he comes home to his 5th avenue duplex and says to his wife:

- Honey, times are tough now, so if you could learn how to clean and cook, we could get rid of the maid and the cook and save money.

- great idea! Now i...

Mike Anderson was in the hospital...

He knows that his end is imminent, so he gathers his family:

His wife, his daughter and both of his sons.
He also asks for a nurse, two witnesses and his last will to be recorded.

 


Then he starts speaking:
"Brian, my oldest son, I want you to get castle ave...

A great David Letterman memory...

I'm walking up 6th Avenue and it's a lovely spring day and I see one of those mime performers. So the mime is doing that famous routine where he's pretending to be trapped in a box. So I stand there and watch the mime pretend to be trapped in a box. And he finishes up, and, thank God, he wasn't real...

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering

The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name.

“Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.”

“I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier.

Fed up with practice of companies gathering as mu...

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John knows everyone

John at work brags about him knowing everyone.
His boss, Mike, is quite mad at him, and one day he says "It's impossible that you know everyone on Earth",
but John replies "That's not true, I'll prove it to you, just says a name".
Mike, quite confident, replies "President Obama".
"Ah, Ba...

A Day in the Life of a Cheerio

One day in Cheerio City, an ordinary young Cheerio started his day. He decided to get a job. He was nearing his sell by date and figured it was time. There are three social classes in Cheerio City: the Regulars, the Wheats, and the Frosteds. The young Cheerio was simply a Regular and had little to n...

On a hot afternoon, Scrooge the miser and his grandson, Tim, were walking home from a party.

Tim complains, "Gramps, it's still a long way back to our house. It's hot and I'm tired. Look, there's a bus stop here. Can we please take the bus home?"

Scrooge is aghast. "It'll cost us six dollars to get home from here! What a waste of money! We'll walk it."

Tim sighs, but he's a ...

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The Election was tied....

The US Presidential election of 2016 had been over for weeks. Every single ballot had been counted and tabulated, the Electoral College had cast their votes, and after every avenue had been exhausted, it was unequivocally a dead heat. Both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton turned to the Supreme Court...

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