I once lived on a street named Prescott avenue...

And my neighboirs had a miscarriage with their already named baby Scott. So they painted over the pre in Prescott and wrote Postscott. Everyone thought they murdered him so there was a police investigation, and they got off Scott free...

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.













PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in t...

Two jokes from the USSR

1. A guy walks in the phone booth and makes a call:
- Is this anonymic phone of KGB?
- Yes, comrade Piotr Trasevich, who lives in the hpuse no5 of Nevski avenue in St. Petersburg, has a wife, two kids, orange car and love affair, this is anonymic phone of KGB.

2. KGB agent brings a susp...

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Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue. As they passed the intersection with 15th street NW, they came across a man dressed as a massive phallus smoking a cigarette.

Roosevelt, being opposed to the use of tobacco products, stopped the man and said "Son, ...

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A man is walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City.

He sees a long line of people who all appear to be anxiously waiting for something. Intrigued, he asks a woman in the line what she's waiting for.

"Apparently the President is in town raising money for his family's legal bills," she responds.

"Huh. That's got to be a lot of money. I'm ...

I was walking down 5th avenue...

When I saw a dog approaching an intersection.

"Love!!" Someone shouted behind me, I turned to look and saw a man sprinting towards the dog. A car was just meters away from hitting the dog, and the dog stood there like a deer caught in the headlights. Milliseconds before impact, the man grabbe...

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Rich man and a poor man share the same wedding anniversary...

Every year, they meet on Madison Avenue to shop for their wives.

So poor man says to the rich man, "what did ya get your wife this year"? Rich man says, "I got her a huge diamond ring and brand new Benz".

Poor man says, "well what did you get them both for?" Rich man says, "if she does...

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A woman, tired of bad relationships, posts an ad online

The ad reads "Looking for a man who would treat me right and won't hit me, who would never run away from me, and would give me the best sex of my life. If you meet this criteria, come see me at 22A Greenich avenue"

People come and go, but noone is to her liking. Just when she was about to giv...

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Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

Monty Smith

Monty has five letters in his first name...
He has 5 letters in his second name...

He has lived his entire life at 555 West 55th Street
In NYC

And worked his entire career at Saks 5 Avenue

He met his wife in Fifth Grade..

He has 5 kids and owns 5 cars...

Nee...

Barry likes the number five.

He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.

One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Mambo Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.

It finished...

The last will

Joe was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Simon, I...

A horse wanted to start a band.

It has always been a dream of his, the horse. He always fantasized about the day he’d sell out avenues with his talented bandmates. He thought to himself, “today, I will make my dream come true. No more waiting around.” Only problem is, he doesn’t know how to play any instrument, though he did have ...

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right,
and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the
floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a
little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you ...

A rich man wants to meet the Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama is in New York City walking with his entourage down Fifth Avenue. A rich man comes out to meet him. He's trying to push his way through the throngs of adoring people but the Dalai Lama's procession is moving too quickly. The rich man is running next to the crowd trying to catch up wi...

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop...

A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"

A joke from the future (January 2021, to be precise)

One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir...

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Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

The last rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!"...

Mike Anderson was in the hospital...

He knows that his end is imminent, so he gathers his family:

His wife, his daughter and both of his sons.
He also asks for a nurse, two witnesses and his last will to be recorded.

 


Then he starts speaking:
"Brian, my oldest son, I want you to get castle ave...

A great David Letterman memory...

I'm walking up 6th Avenue and it's a lovely spring day and I see one of those mime performers. So the mime is doing that famous routine where he's pretending to be trapped in a box. So I stand there and watch the mime pretend to be trapped in a box. And he finishes up, and, thank God, he wasn't real...

The priest was walking down the street looking sad.

“What happened?” asked a parishioner.
“I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella.”
“Here’s what you do. Next sermon talk about the Ten Commandments and look around when you quote ‘Thou shall not steal’ and see who bows his head in shame.”

Next week the priest walks happi...

I was having some trouble with a crossword.

I said to my dad, "I'm stuck on this crossword. Six letters, a broad road in a town or city. I still haven't got it!"

"Avenue?"

"No, I haven't, stop rubbing it in."

A Day in the Life of a Cheerio

One day in Cheerio City, an ordinary young Cheerio started his day. He decided to get a job. He was nearing his sell by date and figured it was time. There are three social classes in Cheerio City: the Regulars, the Wheats, and the Frosteds. The young Cheerio was simply a Regular and had little to n...

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A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

On a hot afternoon, Scrooge the miser and his grandson, Tim, were walking home from a party.

Tim complains, "Gramps, it's still a long way back to our house. It's hot and I'm tired. Look, there's a bus stop here. Can we please take the bus home?"

Scrooge is aghast. "It'll cost us six dollars to get home from here! What a waste of money! We'll walk it."

Tim sighs, but he's a ...

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The Election was tied....

The US Presidential election of 2016 had been over for weeks. Every single ballot had been counted and tabulated, the Electoral College had cast their votes, and after every avenue had been exhausted, it was unequivocally a dead heat. Both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton turned to the Supreme Court...

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Sweet Baby Ruth.

It was another Payday and I was tired of being Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she...

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering

The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name.

“Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.”

“I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier.

Fed up with practice of companies gathering as mu...

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