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The best method of passive aggressiveness is simply to include the person's name at the end of your sentence,

Kathy.

Bodybuilders agree on most methods of building muscle...

but they can never agree on which is the best whey.

I've been working on a new computerised method for water-divining

I hope this email finds you, well.

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Which president is the worst at the pull out method?

Vladimir put in.

I was once a Disneyland costume worker for a day because I took method acting "way too far."

I was told a little late that I needed to wear pants inside and outside the Donald Duck costume.

What do you call couples who use the rhythm method for birth control?

Parents.

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in...

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Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World

Number 1 will shock you

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

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My wife and I have been practicing the pull out method.....

I try to initiate sex and she pulls out every excuse in the book

Nintendo has explicitly banned Chris Pratt from using method acting for the Mario movie

They have warned him that eating shrooms on set is both unprofessional and illegal.

What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

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I have invented a new method for distilling alcohol in your rectum.

It's a little unconventional butt still, it works!

On a train to a large computer convention, there were 3 software engineers and 3 managers...

Each of the managers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The managers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said, “Here comes the conductor,” all of the en...

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?

Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

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My wife is in a coma

So my wife was in a coma for months with no end in sight. I’m talking about alternatives with the doctor and he says there is one unconventional method that I’ve seen work. So I said I’d try anything. He said you have to perform oral sex on her. It could jolt the system.

I said by god. Well…...

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Bucket Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."


The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." <...

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

I heard the easiest method for free karma today!

It’s actually really a piece of cake

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Have you heard about the Afghanistan withdrawal method?

It's when you pull out too late so you lose almost two decades of your life and most of your money

What is Thor's favorite method of communication?

Norse code.

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

Have you guys heard about this new birth control method?

It's a rock. You put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

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The weight loss method of the century.

A man is watching late night infomercials on a weekend night and sees an ad claiming their system will make you lose 10lbs in one week. The man calls and places an order and they tell him he'll have a package at the door on Monday. Monday morning he hears a knock on the door and answers it to see a ...

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I used to date twins...

... and people always asked me how I could tell them apart during sex.

I told them I used this simple little method:

You see, Sophie always had red nail polish on her toenails and Steve had a dick.

I’m a divorce lawyer

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the be...

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting

You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?

Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I’m talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y’alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I’m talking wet enough to dr...

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A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

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What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

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A husband and wife..

Are at the doctor's together while the husband is getting some tests done. When the results are in, they are both sat before the doctor who asks the husband to leave while he speaks to his wife.

"Madame, your husband has a very rare condition that will ultimately result in his death. However,...

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

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I finally figured out a method that works to make my penis 8 inches long.

I folded it in half.

What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.

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What's a musician's favorite sex method?

Aural

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A magician had a residency in Vegas for 50 years.

Apart from being a very good magician specializing in slight of hand and “look over there while I do this over here” type tricks, he was also known for being a womanizer who was exceptionally good at getting women to leave after he was finished with them. Every time he would finish a performance, he...

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Has anyone tried the Stop and Go method when it comes to masturbation?

I tried it once and got arrested at a red light

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

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My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

My girlfriend accidentally discovered a method of getting long lashes instantly.

She showed a little bit of her ankle in Saudi Arabia.

What's the dating scene like at MIT?

Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.

My Neighbor always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days. One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I should hang my laundry."

"That's a very interesting method," I replied, "but what if ...

What is Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill?

Walking....






Jk, rolling

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Prostatitis

A guy develops prostrate problems and goes to his doctor for a checkup.

The Doctor tests him and gives him an ointment to apply in the rectum.

The patient not knowing how to do that, asks his doctor to apply it for him and goes there everyday for the treatment.

Once the doctor h...

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

The guillotine is the most humane method of execution, and it’s centuries old.

It was really ahead of its time.

A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.

For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool....

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This Custodian’s Cleaning Method Leaves These Girls Rethinking Lipstick

According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.


A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would ...

I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working...

I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.

I've developed a new method of excercise that strengthens your fetishes rather than your body.

It's good in concept, but I haven't worked out there kinks yet.

I'm a farmer using different methods trying to impress a girl I like

But nothing seems to a tractor

At school we were always taught the pull-out method doesn't work...

...but like many teenagers, it hasn't stopped the UK trying anyway.

What is an assasin’s favourite cryptocurrency payment method?

Hitcoin

Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods

Number 7 will shock you

I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her.

Fingers crossed.

What is the most tried and true method to getting a small fortune?

Start out with a large fortune.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

Did you see the new method invented to dry berries?

I thought I'd keep everyone updated on currant events.

Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method.

But Han shot first.

If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.

My friend and I had a contest to see who could successfully use the pullout method of contraception the most.

He was winning but then I made a comeback.

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

What are the three fastest methods of communication?

Telegraph

Telephone

Tell a woman

What's the preferred method of exchanging money in the Vatican?

Papal

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I told my therapist about my compulsion to methodically disrupt live musical performances.

She said, “That’s disconcerting.”

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

What is a Statistician's preferred method of killing people ?

Poisson Distribution

Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method

The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.

Many people think you can't get pregnant when using the pull-out method...

But that's a missed conception

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

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There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the naturalists had a "more humane" solution. What ...

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In Ancient Greece, a warrior struggles to sort his disciples.

Seeing as he didn’t have the privilege of Roman numerals and didn’t know how to count, he decided to use the ol’ Shepard boy sorts-sheep-by-amount-of-pebbles method, but with a twist. As such, he matches the soldiers in pairs of two based on appearances or, if they sounded similar, by names.

...

What's the best method of bookkeeping?

Never lend them.

I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!

Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

what is superman's favorite payment method?

kryptocurrency

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...

Aren't some of the methods used to kill people on death row...

...absolutely shocking

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

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A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks "What are you doing?" She replies "...

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

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The Five-Kick Method (long)

A very famous and successful attorney from NYC was hunting ducks in the countryside. He was having a bad day in the woods as there didn't seem to be any ducks at all to be hunted. Then, all of a sudden, he saw the most beautiful, fattest duck of his life swiftly take off, so he aptly aimed and shot ...

My wife says I'm obessed with methods of regulation

To prove her wrong I went on a yoga holiday in Prague.
It was a series of checks and balances.

I wanted to send over an invoice to the Westboro Baptist Church using an old-fashioned method of communication, but they told me...

God hates fax.

A gynecologist is driving along one day...

...when his car starts spluttering. He takes it to a nearby mechanic who proceeds to spend 15 minutes under the hood finds and fixes the problem and proceeds to declare that the car is good to go. After receiving the bill the gynecologist is appalled, the mechanic makes far far far more money that h...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

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Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

Scientists are testing new mind reading methods with ants

It sounds like a cool psy-ants project

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

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