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Method Jokes

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A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.

The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.

The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.

The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to...

What's a simple method for calculating the number of bees in a beehive?

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.

What do you call couples who use the rhythm method?

Parents

I heard the easiest method for free karma today!

It’s actually really a piece of cake

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Bucket Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."


The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." <...

What did Method Man say when he got a glass of orangeade?

Woo! Tang!

5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World

Number 1 will shock you

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My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

The best method of passive aggressiveness is simply to include the person's name at the end of your sentence,

Kathy.

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

Bodybuilders agree on most methods of building muscle...

but they can never agree on which is the best whey.

What is Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill?

Walking....






Jk, rolling

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

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This Custodian’s Cleaning Method Leaves These Girls Rethinking Lipstick

According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.


A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would ...

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My wife and I have been practicing the pull out method.....

I try to initiate sex and she pulls out every excuse in the book

I've been working on a new computerised method for water-divining

I hope this email finds you, well.

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting

What is Thor's favorite method of communication?

Norse code.

What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

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The weight loss method of the century.

A man is watching late night infomercials on a weekend night and sees an ad claiming their system will make you lose 10lbs in one week. The man calls and places an order and they tell him he'll have a package at the door on Monday. Monday morning he hears a knock on the door and answers it to see a ...

Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods

Number 7 will shock you

What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?

Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was r...

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What's a musician's favorite sex method?

Aural

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I have invented a new method for distilling alcohol in your rectum.

It's a little unconventional butt still, it works!

Have you guys heard about this new birth control method?

It's a rock. You put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.

Nintendo has explicitly banned Chris Pratt from using method acting for the Mario movie

They have warned him that eating shrooms on set is both unprofessional and illegal.

What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?

Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I’m talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y’alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I’m talking wet enough to dr...

3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

My girlfriend accidentally discovered a method of getting long lashes instantly.

She showed a little bit of her ankle in Saudi Arabia.

I was once a Disneyland costume worker for a day because I took method acting "way too far."

I was told a little late that I needed to wear pants inside and outside the Donald Duck costume.

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A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

At school we were always taught the pull-out method doesn't work...

...but like many teenagers, it hasn't stopped the UK trying anyway.

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...

What is an assasin’s favourite cryptocurrency payment method?

Hitcoin

What is the most tried and true method to getting a small fortune?

Start out with a large fortune.

what is superman's favorite payment method?

kryptocurrency

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Has anyone tried the Stop and Go method when it comes to masturbation?

I tried it once and got arrested at a red light

What's the best method of bookkeeping?

Never lend them.

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

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I finally figured out a method that works to make my penis 8 inches long.

I folded it in half.

Did you see the new method invented to dry berries?

I thought I'd keep everyone updated on currant events.

What are the three fastest methods of communication?

Telegraph

Telephone

Tell a woman

What's the preferred method of exchanging money in the Vatican?

Papal

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...

The guillotine is the most humane method of execution, and it’s centuries old.

It was really ahead of its time.

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

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The Five-Kick Method (long)

A very famous and successful attorney from NYC was hunting ducks in the countryside. He was having a bad day in the woods as there didn't seem to be any ducks at all to be hunted. Then, all of a sudden, he saw the most beautiful, fattest duck of his life swiftly take off, so he aptly aimed and shot ...

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.

For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool....

What is a Statistician's preferred method of killing people ?

Poisson Distribution

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

I've developed a new method of excercise that strengthens your fetishes rather than your body.

It's good in concept, but I haven't worked out there kinks yet.

I've discovered a simple and easily reversible birth control method!

It's called 'not having a girlfriend'

I'm a farmer using different methods trying to impress a girl I like

But nothing seems to a tractor

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her.

Fingers crossed.

I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working...

I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

My wife says I'm obessed with methods of regulation

To prove her wrong I went on a yoga holiday in Prague.
It was a series of checks and balances.

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

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I told my therapist about my compulsion to methodically disrupt live musical performances.

She said, “That’s disconcerting.”

Many people think you can't get pregnant when using the pull-out method...

But that's a missed conception

Scientists are testing new mind reading methods with ants

It sounds like a cool psy-ants project

Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method

The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.

Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.

They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, "Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living."
To the first guy, he says...

What is the bass players preferred method of contraception?

His personality.

Aren't some of the methods used to kill people on death row...

...absolutely shocking

What method does the Australian god use to part the Red Sea?

Oz Moses.

I don't know why people object to CIA torture methods.

Who doesn't like to go water boarding?

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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales r...

Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method.

But Han shot first.

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

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A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks "What are you doing?" She replies "...

I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!

Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

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Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine ...

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I used to date twins...

... and people always asked me how I could tell them apart during sex.

I told them I used this simple little method:

You see, Sophie always had red nail polish on her toenails and Steve had a dick.

I wanted to send over an invoice to the Westboro Baptist Church using an old-fashioned method of communication, but they told me...

God hates fax.

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