UPJOKE
methodologytechniqueproceduresystemprocessalgorithmsolutionpracticaltheorycalculationtoolmeasurementmechanismwayapproach

Method Jokes

What's a simple method for calculating the number of bees in a beehive?

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.

The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.

The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.

The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to...

Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.

They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, "Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living."
To the first guy, he says...

What did Method Man say when he got a glass of orangeade?

Woo! Tang!

The best method of passive aggressiveness is simply to include the person's name at the end of your sentence,

Kathy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gorillator

So a guy wakes up one weekend morning, brew himself a coffee and goes outside to grab his newspaper. Only problem, there is a gorilla chilling in his front yard tree...

The man, troubled, tries to call the animal control agents but they just tell him they cannot do anything about the gorilla ...

What do you call couples that use the rhythm method as their preferred form of birth control?

Parents

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an elephant is walking through the jungle when he realizes he's stuck in quicksand and sinking

He reaches out with his trunk and grabs a branch. He attempts to haul himself in but the branch brakes and he begins sinking even quicker. The elephant begins yelling for help and a Mouse runs up
"What's wrong Mr elephant?" said the mouse
" I am stuck in quicksand and sinking to my Doom.pleas...

Bodybuilders agree on most methods of building muscle...

but they can never agree on which is the best whey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

I've been working on a new computerised method for water-divining

I hope this email finds you, well.

5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World

Number 1 will shock you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which president is the worst at the pull out method?

Vladimir put in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I have been practicing the pull out method.....

I try to initiate sex and she pulls out every excuse in the book

I was once a Disneyland costume worker for a day because I took method acting "way too far."

I was told a little late that I needed to wear pants inside and outside the Donald Duck costume.

What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

Nintendo has explicitly banned Chris Pratt from using method acting for the Mario movie

They have warned him that eating shrooms on set is both unprofessional and illegal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have invented a new method for distilling alcohol in your rectum.

It's a little unconventional butt still, it works!

I heard the easiest method for free karma today!

It’s actually really a piece of cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Clones are people too...

A research scientist at a large corporate laboratory developed a method to clones humans. Unfortunately, the ethics review board would not allow him to experiment on humans. So he decided to clone himself in secret. He was also able to accelerate the aging process so within a short time, the clone w...

After retiring, Mr. Johnson moved into a condo near the ocean. Every morning, while he ate his breakfast, he would look out the window at the ocean.

Almost every morning, Mr. Johnson saw a young man sitting on the dock, fishing. It didn't matter if the weather was good, so-so, or downright terrible. The fisherman seemed to go to the dock every morning.

After he had lived in his condo for a few months, Mr. Johnson noticed something. Some m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bucket Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."


The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." <...

What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?

Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

Two dairy farmers are in a bar talking shop.

Dairy farmer 1: I’ve discovered a method of making cheese that results in 100% curds.

Dairy farmer 2: no whey!

What is Thor's favorite method of communication?

Norse code.

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the Afghanistan withdrawal method?

It's when you pull out too late so you lose almost two decades of your life and most of your money

Have you guys heard about this new birth control method?

It's a rock. You put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white man goes to his Doctor and asks how he can make his penis as large as a black man's penis.

His Doctor tells him to take a 1lb weight and tie a string to it and attach that to the head of his penis. A proven method of stretching the Doc assures him and tells him to report back in a week's time.

Man visits his Doc a week later and the Doc says let us have a look. Guy drops his trou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The weight loss method of the century.

A man is watching late night infomercials on a weekend night and sees an ad claiming their system will make you lose 10lbs in one week. The man calls and places an order and they tell him he'll have a package at the door on Monday. Monday morning he hears a knock on the door and answers it to see a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had my wallet stolen and my ass is red raw from being whipped.

I know my girlfriend didn't want to get pregnant but there must be better methods of contraception than sending me out to find a con domme.

A man and his wife die in a car accident

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man is st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?

Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I’m talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y’alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I’m talking wet enough to dr...

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally figured out a method that works to make my penis 8 inches long.

I folded it in half.

My girlfriend accidentally discovered a method of getting long lashes instantly.

She showed a little bit of her ankle in Saudi Arabia.

What is Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill?

Walking....






Jk, rolling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a musician's favorite sex method?

Aural

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Custodian’s Cleaning Method Leaves These Girls Rethinking Lipstick

According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.


A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Has anyone tried the Stop and Go method when it comes to masturbation?

I tried it once and got arrested at a red light

Everyone has a film that made them emotional.

For me it was TITANIC... Because not only do you get a beautiful love story, but also... I'm was like... \*emotional\*

"Look - So many fans of the Wim Hof Method!"

The guillotine is the most humane method of execution, and it’s centuries old.

It was really ahead of its time.

At school we were always taught the pull-out method doesn't work...

...but like many teenagers, it hasn't stopped the UK trying anyway.

I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working...

I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.

Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods

Number 7 will shock you

What is the most tried and true method to getting a small fortune?

Start out with a large fortune.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried a new penis enlargement method which promised to double the length.

That was quite a stretch.

A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.

For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was respons...

I'm a farmer using different methods trying to impress a girl I like

But nothing seems to a tractor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reading Cormack McCarthy's ~The Crossing.

You hear about the Texas lion and the New Mexico lion? the old man said.
No sir. I dont believe so.
There was this Texas lion and this New Mexico lion. They split up on the divide and went off to hunt. Agreed to meet up in the spring and see how they’d done and all and whenever they done it wh...

What is an assasin’s favourite cryptocurrency payment method?

Hitcoin

I've developed a new method of excercise that strengthens your fetishes rather than your body.

It's good in concept, but I haven't worked out there kinks yet.

I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her.

Fingers crossed.

Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method.

But Han shot first.

If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.

Did you see the new method invented to dry berries?

I thought I'd keep everyone updated on currant events.

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

What are the three fastest methods of communication?

Telegraph

Telephone

Tell a woman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to date twins...

... and people always asked me how I could tell them apart during sex.

I told them I used this simple little method:

You see, Sophie always had red nail polish on her toenails and Steve had a dick.

What is a Statistician's preferred method of killing people ?

Poisson Distribution

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

Xavier the Saviour

Back when I was a kid, I was part of a youth group at my local catholic church. There, I got to know the most well-revered and eccentric man in the entire community, Father Xavier.


He was never one for formalities, so he insisted everyone in his youth group call him by whatever endearing ...

My friend and I had a contest to see who could successfully use the pullout method of contraception the most.

He was winning but then I made a comeback.

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist about my compulsion to methodically disrupt live musical performances.

She said, “That’s disconcerting.”

On a train to a large computer convention, there were 3 software engineers and 3 managers...

Each of the managers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The managers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said, “Here comes the conductor,” all of the en...

What's the preferred method of exchanging money in the Vatican?

Papal

Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method

The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.

I've discovered a simple and easily reversible birth control method!

It's called 'not having a girlfriend'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is in a coma

So my wife was in a coma for months with no end in sight. I’m talking about alternatives with the doctor and he says there is one unconventional method that I’ve seen work. So I said I’d try anything. He said you have to perform oral sex on her. It could jolt the system.

I said by god. Well…...

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Many people think you can't get pregnant when using the pull-out method...

But that's a missed conception

What's the best method of bookkeeping?

Never lend them.

I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!

Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...

I wanted to send over an invoice to the Westboro Baptist Church using an old-fashioned method of communication, but they told me...

God hates fax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

what is superman's favorite payment method?

kryptocurrency

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

Aren't some of the methods used to kill people on death row...

...absolutely shocking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Five-Kick Method (long)

A very famous and successful attorney from NYC was hunting ducks in the countryside. He was having a bad day in the woods as there didn't seem to be any ducks at all to be hunted. Then, all of a sudden, he saw the most beautiful, fattest duck of his life swiftly take off, so he aptly aimed and shot ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.