My doctor has the best bedside manner.

During my last prostate exam, he kept me calm by putting both of his hands on my shoulders

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

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Shut up, manners and poop

Shut up manners and poop we’re driving along the street. They crashed and poop fell out the car. Shut up went to the police station and informed the officer of the situation and said “ i see now what is your name lad”? Shut up replied “ shut up” the policeman asked where his manners were. Shut up sa...

If you have to schedule a meeting with a person or people you do not like, here are some days to tell them, no manner what year...

February 30th

April 31st

June 31st

September 31st

November 31st

A teacher is trying to teach her students table manners

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a lovely young lady, how would you tell her you need to use the restroom?" asked the teacher

"Just a minute, I have to pee" answered Michael.

"That would be rude and impolite" said the teacher. "how about you, Sherman, how would you s...

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What do you call a Kangaroo with bad manners?

Kangarude

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What vegetable has the least manners?

The rude-abega.

I came up with this today at the grocery store, and I'm not a dad, so all you dads out there, here's one for your arsenal. Godspeed.

And here’s another lesson in good manners.

Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next?

Really poor taste at funerals.

Which of Santa's reindeer has the worst manners?

RUDE-olph, of course!

Shutup, manners and trouble

So there were a couple kids playing hide and seek in a national park, their names were Shutup, Manners and Trouble. When it was Manners time to count Shutup and Trouble went to go hide. After a couple mins of looking Manners found Shutup. The search continued for Trouble, but after an hour they c...

If a lady with manners perspires, rather than sweats

Does she aspire, rather than fart?

I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

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Good manners in bed

Girl Friend: I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table ...

Boy friend climbs into bed slowly & says: Honey, would you pass the boobs please?

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Xmas shopping manners

I was in the ASDA today with 2 trollies of ale when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?” She said “yeah” I did the decent thing and said “if I were you I'd fuck off to another till, I'm gonna be ages”

My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.

Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

Prayer can solve so many problems but manners can also prevent.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 & asks which ones he wanted.
“Well,” he says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now & she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re...

[Long] Mind your manners

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen ...

No Bedside Manner

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

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During a class on good manners...

and etiquette being held at an all boys school the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Little Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I got...

Sounds like Trump's finally learned some manners.

It's reported he's been heard saying "Pardon me" a lot lately.

What did Obe Wan say to Skywalker when he was teaching him table manners?

Use the forks Luke.

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Three men called Shit, Fuck-you and Manners are walking down the street...

Shit sees a pound in the middle of the road and runs out to grab it, as he does so, he gets hit by a car, the car doesn't stop.

Fuck-you and Manners start panicking, but eventually Manners calms down enough to tell Fuck-you to run and find some help, so Fuck-you runs off to find help while Ma...

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There were three friends: Shit, Shut-Up and Manners...

One sunny day, Shit was watering his garden when he tripped on his hose and fell into his garbage bin. Now he was quite stuck so he called his friend Manners who lived down the road, just around the corner. Upon arriving, Manners realised he would need some help to get Shit unstuck so he called his ...

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Proper Manners

There was an all male class being held and the teacher decided to pose a question on proper manners. The teacher asks his class, "If you are on a date with a woman at a nice restaurant and you wish to pee in the bathroom, how do you properly excuse yourself?"

The first student raises his hand...

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

Two guys are walking down a street and see an old man in front of them.

He walks in such a weird manner that is almost similar to a duck. Somehow this walk bothers the two guys. "I wonder why he's walking that way. What could be the reason for that?" one guy asks the other. The Other guy replies "Maybe he got into an accident recently and might have broken his hip or so...

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Poop, Shutup, and Manners.

My personal Favorite from childhood.


3 men are in a car named Poop, Shutup and Manners. Shutup is driving. Poop is a dingus and begins climbing out the window. Manners tries to stop him but fails and Poop goes rolling out of the window. Manners panics and jumps out to go get him himself a...

[OC] One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give ...

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Three Old Men are Sitting on a Park Bench

The first one starts talking about his problems regarding his health.

"Oh my god, I can't tell you how hard it is at my age. Every morning, I wake up at 7 o'clock, I go to the restroom and I try to urinate but no matter what I do, I can't go."

The second one then chimes in:

"You...

A young cowboy walks into the saloon in a rough and dusty Western town in Texas.

He sits at the counter, and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chowder.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, do ya mind if I do?”

The older cowb...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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The parrot and the prostitutes

A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. One particular parrot is extremely cheap. She asks the pet shop owner why. The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language. Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teachin...

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

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A game of hide and seek

4 brothers were playing a game of hide and seek; Manners, None of your business, Shit and Trouble.
Manners, being the oldest, is elected as the seeker. Not long after finishing counting, he finds None of your business and Shit. Trouble, the youngest of the brothers, is noted as the best hide and ...

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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fa...

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Professor welcomes the class in Anatomy lab on the first day of medical school.

He begins by saying - You need 2 rules to become a successful doctor.

No 1 - you cannot feel disgusted by anything.

After saying that, he stuck his finger into the cadaver's butt hole.

Students look at him in a shocked manner, but eventually they give in and remembering his r...

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced ...

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were to be executed during a dictatorship.

Method of execution: Firing squad

The brunette was up, the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ... 3...2...1

The brunette exclaimed : "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

The gunmen were terrified! Fearing their impending doom at the face of such a natural phenomenon, the...

A fat woman was standing on the weighing scale while holding her stomach in.

“Um, I don’t think that’s going to help” said the husband.



To which the wife replies in a confused manner,
“Sure it does. How else I could see the numbers?”

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

Stolen from Facebook:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible fo...

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The Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her...

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

On the train.

Instead of waiting for everyone to get off, some guy jostles for the train.
An older gentleman goes to him and says:
"You lost something out there."
The guy goes out and looks around, but he doesn't find anything.
Older Gentleman: "Keep looking, it's your manners".

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I like my coffee like I like my sex.

*Pulls money out of pocket and extends hand in a manner as if to pay someone.*

Fair Trade

Will and the Narnidian

There was once a little shopkeeper that lived in Narnidia who sold various 'crafted' items. Eventually, he decided (for one reason or another) that he needed to move to the US. After moving, his very first customer walks in. The shopkeeper says, in a friendly manner, "Name?" The guy says "Will." Th...

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit...

A Hippo wants to join the local hippo gang

While speaking with the gang leader he's told in order to join the gang he must have respect for his brothers and impeccable manners.
He nods his head and let's the leader know he was raised in a noble, high class family. These things came easy to him.

The hippo struts out of the leaders r...

How does one walk through a Siberian forest?

Do it in a calm and relaxed manner, but bear in mind

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A little boy and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they encountered a bow legged man.

The bpy pointed his finger at the bloke and yelled out: "Look, mother, a bow legged man!"


His mother was surprised, took her son's hand; and hurriedly walked home.


Upon arrival, she reprimanded the little boy and told him that he would receive a worse punishment next time we wa...

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

A pothead goes to the beach.

It's pretty obvious that he's been smoking earlier that day.
He gets to the beach and it's a quiet day. He notices, however that there are all manner of sea birds squawking and flying around like crazy. They're diving in and out of the water and pestering the few people who were out that day. He ...

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One night, after a couple had retired for the night

the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.


Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her ...

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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Army Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something ...

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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

On walking into the company, the CEO noticed a young guy leaning Against the wall

On walking into the company, the CEO noticed a young guy leaning Against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, “How much do you earn?”

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, “I earn Rs.25,000...

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A Jock goes to the doctor, worried that he pulled a muscle.

Based on the activities that the jock describes doing, the doctor determines the most likely place of injury is his ass.

"I have a simple method of determining whether or not you've pulled a muscle. Try contracting the muscles of that area in a manner that you don't normally contract them. ...

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A man was lost in the desert

With nobody by his side apart from his trusty camel. The man walks miles and miles, maintaining his needs by eating the flesh of dead animals and drinking from the oasis' scattered across the lands. However the one basic need he is unable to satisfy is the need for sex. After several days the man ca...

Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry...

So they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, who seem to really have a way with their flowers, so business is quickly booming!

The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse.

A month late...

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Three bois

Three bois, shuthefuckup, manners, and shit, are driving down the highway when shit falls out the car. Shuthefuckup goes the police station and the officer says “what’s your name?” “Shuthefuckup.” “Hey!” The police screams annoyed. “Where are your manners?!?!” Shuthefuckup says, “Out on the road, sc...

When Gerald Ford died, he was quite shocked to find himself in hell.

Being upset about this, he found Satan, and confronted him.

"I don't understand why I'm here. I served my Country in an honest and honorable manner, never missed Church, saved Betty from her addiction, and I can't think of a single thing I could have done to deserve going to hell."

Be...

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This isn’t a hotel...

Back when I lived with my dad my brother and I were strictly raised to have good manners. Old fashioned manners. For instance when we had our grandparents over we were to set the table and clear the table including everyone's dishes. If we ever asked dad or anyone else to help out we always got the ...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of

the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree

to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from

the current position as a result of failure to p...

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He Has No Class

Donald Trump lands aboard Air Force One at Heathrow, and deplanes to a long red carpet. He walks to where Queen Elizabeth II is waiting to welcome him with much pomp and circumstance.

They are ushered into a new silver Rolls Royce, then chauffeured to Buckingham Palace.

After tea, ...

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There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

Unfaithful Husband

A wife was beginning to suspect that her husband had become unfaithful, coming home at odd hours of the night with the excuse that he was out playing cards with friends.


One night the couple had plans for a masquerade party, but as the husband was getting ready the wife mentioned that she...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

President Trump: "I've raised THE BEST kids....."

".....They are the most polite people you have ever seen. Just today Don Jr. has already said "Pardon Me, Dad" at least 10 times. He has such great manners!"

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Comcast has received a notification by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, reporting an alleged infringement of one or more copyrighted works made on or over Comcast's High-Speed Internet service (the 'Service'). The copyright owner has identified the Internet Protocol ('IP') address associa...

The Americans and Russians

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's...

A minister, a priest and a rabbi are at a lake fishing...

when the priest announces he needs to use the bathroom. The other two watch as the priest gets out of the boat and walks on top of the water to the lake shore, does his thing, and does the same to return to the boat. About ten minutes later, the minister announces that he, too, needs to go to the ba...

Don't Do That In Public

A boy and his mother stood looking at a dentist's showcase. "If I had to have false teeth, I'd take that pair," said the small boy, pointing.

"Hush, Willie," interposed the mother quickly, shaking his arm. "Haven't I told you it's bad manners to pick your teeth in public?"

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The rude professor.

A biology professor in Italy was giving an anatomy class. "The largest penis was discovered in an archeological finding in rome". Two or three offended female students get up to leave. The professor says "hey girls" The female students turn around in a egotistical manner expecting an apology. The p...

Three brothers go to the park.

Their names are: Shut-Up, Trouble, and Manners.
They are about to play a game of football when Manners turns to Shut-Up and says;
"Where has Trouble gone?"
Shut-Up is unsure, and the two spend a few minutes looking for him. Then Shut-Up turns to his brother.
"There's a policeman over the...

Burt and Arthur are playing golf

As Burt is eyeing in a putt on the 14th, a funeral procession drives slowly down the road right next to the green. Burt drops his putter, removes his hat, bows his head and mutters in a respectful manner.
 

Arthur congratulates Burt on his display of respect and says he didn’t kn...

A little girl sits on Santa's lap.

In a jolly manner, Santa asks "What would you like for Christmas?"

The girl replies without hesitation: "I would like a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa sits for a moment, thinking about the request. Caught off guard, he says "But little girl, Barbie comes with Ken."

The girl looks...

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The tourettes pianist

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes...

There was a young pregnant woman...

...and her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."

But a strange thing happened.

After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.

After a year the woma...

A boy and his mom

A boy and his mom were walking down the street and the boy pulled on his mom's arm and said, "Mom look! There's a bow-legged man over there!"

His mother shushed him quickly telling him it's not nice to call people bow-legged.

A week later they were walking together and he pulls on his...

So a man walks into a bar with a 1-foot-tall well-dressed person behind him

The man pulls an electronic piano out of his pocket and sets it up on the bar, then sets up a tiny little stool. The foot-tall man takes a seat, cracks his knuckles, and begins to tickle the ivories in the most beautiful manner the bartender has ever heard.

As the sweet melodies resounded th...

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A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

A probable case of human trafficking...

A flight attendant on a flight sees a suspicious looking couple on board. So she immediately reports it to the captain.
 

*"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!"*
 

*"There is a very pretty and graceful female passenger on board who seems rich. She ...

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Kids these days...

A bunch of kids are playing football when someone kicks the ball over the fence through the window of the neighbour's house (breaking it in the process). No one wants to go and get the ball back since the owner is very strict, so they pick the kid who has the best manners to go and apologise.
...

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An old woman asks for her neighbor's parrot..

An old woman was chatting with her next door neighbor, and when he mentioned that he was going away to college and could not take his parrot with him, she asked him what he would do with the bird.
"Ah, I'll give 'em to the pet store. Somebody else's problem."
Well this just would not do for t...

Peter and his luck.

Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist .


"Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" ...

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as peter was going out, he returns and says ...

"Give...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

Engineer goes to Hell...

The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell.

Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have ...

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Three guys in a car, driving down the road.

Three guys in a car, driving down the road. Their names are Shit, Manners, and Shutup. Shit fell out of the car, Manners hopped out to pick him up, and Shutup got pulled over by a cop. the cop comes up to the window and says,

Cop - "Son, what's your name?"

"Shutup."

Cop - "Uh,...

Three young friends,

seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.


Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never bef...

I started working at the large wildlife crematorium

And now I’m urning the big bucks.

**********

Disclaimer: was told this by a friend. Who isn’t on reddit. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemb...

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Horny Cock

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you.
...

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A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,...

"Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.
The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to hav...

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