UPJOKE
behaviorwaystylefashionbehaviourformkinddemeanorsortmodemiengentlenessformalitywisemannerism

What do you call the person whom your wife cheated on you with, that looks like you and has the same mannerisms as you?

A dopplebanger.

People keep saying chivalry is dead. But, I looked up the definition of chivalry and it has little to do with manners and it is more about knights and combat.

The other day when I didn't open the classroom door for a girl in my class, she said that chivalry is dead. So, I challenged her to a duel.

To conclude, chivalry is not dead. But, that girl is.

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

So it’s bad manners for a person to talk with food in their mouth…

Is it also bad manners for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher was giving her students a lecture about good manners.

She wanted to test how they would act in a certain circumstance, so she asked:
- Derek, imagine that you’re having dinner with a girl you love, and you suddenly want to go to the restroom during the meal. What would you say to her in this situation?
- “Stay right there, I’m going to pee.”
-...

What's one way to turn a mild-mannered cleaner into a raging homicidal maniac?

Tell them, "You missed a spot!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three brothers. One is named Shut-up, the next is named Crap, and the last is named Manners

Shut-up was driving home when he was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The officer asks for his name and he says "Shut-up."

The officer gets mad and said "Sir I need your name!"

"Shut-up."

Officer "That is very rude! Tell me your name right now!"

"I said Shut-up!" ...

Manners

A man returns home from work late at night. Suddenly when he gets to a very dark street, a vampiress pops up.

"Mwaa ha ha! mere mortal... surrender your blood! and pull down your pants right now!"

The man, both terrified and confused, replies:

"Wha--I thought you guys a-aimed fo...

When using the Queens toilet at Buckingham Palace, it's only ever proper manners.....

To do a curtsy flush

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

What do you call an elephant that is pleasingly graceful and stylish in appearance and manner?

An elegant.

Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A: A finite quantity. One to complete the specifik task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shakespeare joke

(Disclaimer: This one isn't original, but I don't think I've seen it here)

Little Johnny is at the mall with his mom. He sees a man with bow legs and points to him and says "Mom, what's wrong with that man's legs?" She's horrified and tells him, "Johnny, that's rude, you should never point...

I once saw a caveman wandering aimlessly in a roundabout manner.

I think it was a meanderthal.

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

At least little Johnny has manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher respon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three men named Shit, Manners and shut up

Shit got stuck in a toilet and Manners went to help and try and pull him out. Shut up decided he should buy a plunger from a hardware store to help get him out and drove off. Halfway there a policeman pulled him over for speeding and asked “what’s you name” Shut up said “Shut up” the policeman got a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sh!t, shut up and manners

There were three women, they were very high when they were giving birth to their children so of course the names would’ve been weird the first mother named her Child shit and the other mother named her Child shut up and the other mother named her Child manners.

One day 20 years later shit, sh...

When I was a kid I used to admire educated people, but now I realized well mannered people are better than educated ones...

Little did I know you have to lack both to become president of the United States

Which bird has the worst manners?

Mocking birds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his penis

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"

"Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laugh...

How can you tell if an American student has been brought up with manners?

He uses a silencer in the library

Three friends Shutup, Trouble, and Manners are walking through a forest

Trouble got lost so Shutup and Manners went to the police station. While Manners stays outside, Shutup goes to talk to a cop.

The officer on duty asks " What is your name, son?"

Shutup says "Shutup"

Cops replies" what!!! I'll ask once more, what is you name?!?"

Shutup ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a party recently when I happened to notice my wristwatch was missing.

I looked for the watch for a bit asking people if they'd seen it, but didn't have any luck. It wasn't an expensive watch so I wasn't too worried about it and eventually gave up.

Then, later in the evening, I saw a couple that I didn't recognize from across the room who appeared to be having ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

My doctor has the best bedside manner.

During my last prostate exam, he kept me calm by putting both of his hands on my shoulders

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

It's proper manners to knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just incase there's a salad dressing

The son of a jewish man got repeatedly kicked out of every school for bad behavior

the kid was a delinquent and was eventually kicked out of every school he was sent to. not having any more options the jewish father sent his son the only school left in the area: a christian school run at a church. In the christian school the son got perfect grades and the teachers described him as...

During these uncertain times, it is important to remember that we are all still human beings and we should treat each other in a polite and respectful manner. If I come within 6' of you, just politely remind me about social distancing.

None of this, "I have a restraining order, creep!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shit, Fuck and Manners were walking down the road

Shit falls down a hole.

Fuck runs to get help.

Eventually finds a policeman.

Fuck: I need your help quick!

Officer: Calm down, what’s your name?

Fuck: Fuck

Officer: Where are your manners?!

Fuck: Down the road picking shit up...

To get an alarm clock to go off, you must turn it on

I operate in the same manner

My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.

Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...

What did the incel say, when he had a sudden bout of inspiration to change his outlook on life and start approaching attractive women, in a confident manner?

Begone,thought!

I went to a cannibal's house for dinner. His manners were like nobody else's.

He was *encouraging* me to put my feet up on the table.

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it...

The owner said, "Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me - you do not want that parrot!"

She said, "I can teach it good manners." 

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, "Did you learn your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Xmas shopping manners

I was in the ASDA today with 2 trollies of ale when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?” She said “yeah” I did the decent thing and said “if I were you I'd fuck off to another till, I'm gonna be ages”

Shutup, manners and trouble

So there were a couple kids playing hide and seek in a national park, their names were Shutup, Manners and Trouble. When it was Manners time to count Shutup and Trouble went to go hide. After a couple mins of looking Manners found Shutup. The search continued for Trouble, but after an hour they c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tiger Woods on a golf tour in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the morni...

On his evening walk...

... Tony finds an ancient pottery bottle half buried in the silt down the river next to an old rusted-out van. Carefully examining the bottle, he notices that it still has a stopper in it, and there is some kind of writing etched around the neck of the bottle. Using his shirtsleeve, Tony gently beg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Job!!

A young guy living in Boston recently became unemployed and he immediately went to the nearest job center where he noticed a flyer pinned to the job board seeking a "Gynecologist's Assistant to work at a newly-built 'Soothing Approach Gynecology Center', no experience required".
He was very inter...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

Doctor, help me

A man rushes into a doctors office in panic and yells: “Doctor, help me i’m shrinking!”

To which the doctor replies: “Have some manners, wait in line….. be a little patient!”

A man, his sheep and his Vet girlfriend…

Farmer Sam is tending to his flock and notices one of his sheep is bumping into things in a clumsy manner.

He inspects the sheep and can’t find any reasonable explanation for the sudden lack of coordination.

Fortunately, Farmer Sam has recently started dating Veronica, who happens to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shut up, manners and poop

Shut up manners and poop we’re driving along the street. They crashed and poop fell out the car. Shut up went to the police station and informed the officer of the situation and said “ i see now what is your name lad”? Shut up replied “ shut up” the policeman asked where his manners were. Shut up sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What vegetable has the least manners?

The rude-abega.

I came up with this today at the grocery store, and I'm not a dad, so all you dads out there, here's one for your arsenal. Godspeed.

I met a tribe of cannibals with the worst table manners...

No matter how hard they tried, somebody’s elbows were on the table.

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a class on good manners...

and etiquette being held at an all boys school the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Little Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I got...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new sexy neighbour just sneezed,

so by instinct and good manners I said bless you.

She said thanks, but looked a little confused that her wardrobe was talking to her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class being taught at the local high school for senior boys, the young, attractive, first-year teacher asked, "If you were courting a well-educated girl from a prominent family and during dinner, you needed to use the bathroom, how would you properly excuse yourse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Kangaroo with bad manners?

Kangarude

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old one, but never forgot it.

A lady gave birth to her first child. Hateful of the baby boy, when asked what to name him she replied "Name him Shit and get on with it, I need to go home and make dinner."

Shit would never stop crying, so by the time the second baby arrived the lady decided to name him Shut Up, hoping he'l...

What do you call ill-mannered burst of strong wind in the desert?

Darude Sandstorm.

No Bedside Manner

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

And here’s another lesson in good manners.

Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next?

Really poor taste at funerals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good manners in bed

Girl Friend: I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table ...

Boy friend climbs into bed slowly & says: Honey, would you pass the boobs please?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

Manners, Shut Up and Trouble

One day, three boys were playing hide and seek. Their names were ‘Manners’, ‘Shut Up’ and ‘Trouble’. All of a sudden, ‘Trouble’ got lost. The other two boys went to look for him.

They searched for him far and wide but to no avail. The two boys got tired and stopped to take a rest. ‘Manners’ d...

Prayer can solve so many problems but manners can also prevent.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 & asks which ones he wanted.
“Well,” he says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now & she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horny Charlie!

Charlie marries a virgin.

On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

So, Charlie folds his hands on his l...

Well Mannered Husband

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."

[Long] Mind your manners

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen ...

What did Obe Wan say to Skywalker when he was teaching him table manners?

Use the forks Luke.

The Tale of Greenbeard the Pirate

Greenbeard got his name due his poor table manners and lack of proper beard hygiene, but let's not get into that just now - Greenbeard loved chocolate. He loved chocolate more than jewels. He loved chocolate more than diamonds. He even loved chocolate more than gold - and there isn't anything most p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men called Shit, Fuck-you and Manners are walking down the street...

Shit sees a pound in the middle of the road and runs out to grab it, as he does so, he gets hit by a car, the car doesn't stop.

Fuck-you and Manners start panicking, but eventually Manners calms down enough to tell Fuck-you to run and find some help, so Fuck-you runs off to find help while Ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

My last internship interview

Interviewer: I hope you have manners. We sacked the last guy for disrespect. He compared me to a bird

Me: Wow, I can never do that ma

Interviewer: Good. So you're here for the mentorship program?

Me: Yes ma, take me under your wing

Interviewer: Get out of my office

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shut Up, Manners, and Poop are cruising down the road...

Shut Up is driving, Manners is in the passenger seat and Poop is having a blast sitting in the back. Poop keeps getting close to the open window and Manners tries to warn him but it's too late; Poop flies right out the window. Shut Up waits until it's safe and then pulls the car over. He tells Manne...

Sounds like Trump's finally learned some manners.

It's reported he's been heard saying "Pardon me" a lot lately.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is out of town on a business trip, and he decides to go looking for some action.

He finds and enters a bar, and is pleased to find that there are several good-looking women inside. Not just good-looking, actually, but beautiful, and all dressed to the nines in sexy outfits, made up to look their prettiest. It's what the Army calls a "target-rich environment". The only problem is...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poop, Shutup, and Manners.

My personal Favorite from childhood.


3 men are in a car named Poop, Shutup and Manners. Shutup is driving. Poop is a dingus and begins climbing out the window. Manners tries to stop him but fails and Poop goes rolling out of the window. Manners panics and jumps out to go get him himself a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three friends: Shit, Shut-Up and Manners...

One sunny day, Shit was watering his garden when he tripped on his hose and fell into his garbage bin. Now he was quite stuck so he called his friend Manners who lived down the road, just around the corner. Upon arriving, Manners realised he would need some help to get Shit unstuck so he called his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proper Manners

There was an all male class being held and the teacher decided to pose a question on proper manners. The teacher asks his class, "If you are on a date with a woman at a nice restaurant and you wish to pee in the bathroom, how do you properly excuse yourself?"

The first student raises his hand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Get it?

There was a guy who had just one out of two testicles.


So naturally he was very ashamed of his condition and decided to do something about it.


So he went to a doctor and told him "Doc, I suffer from a condition which I am very ashamed of and it's likely that you wouldn't have ...

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

"No forced entry,"

the detective mused. "That means it could only be .... the piano player!"

Everyone gasped and turned towards the mild-mannered entertainer.

"He's the only one who has all the keys!"

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on

account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She

moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had

him arrested.

When the case came before the cou...

Once a Man sees his friend on the street

His friend has a penguin with him. They are going hand in hand. The Man greets his friend: " what the hell are you doing with the penguin?" The friend in a manner of dissatisfaction: "l found it wandering around. Then i grab its hand and i now i don't know what to do." The Man advises him to take th...

My best worst joke

What dinosaur is known for its manners?

A please-iosaur

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to Juan?!

There once was a man named Juan(65M), who was seeing this woman named Maria(60F)... every Saturday, they had a ritual. They would meet up at the local park, sit on the bench, and Maria would hold his penis. They enjoyed about a year of this relationship, before one Saturday, Juan failed to show.
...

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke from my joke calender

A man has to leave for a few days and wants to find a temporary home for his parrot.

Because he knows the priest also has a parrot, he decides to ask him if he can watch his.

'Absolutely not.' The priest says. 'All your parrot knows is how to curse. That's not good for my parrot, as al...

Boudreaux and his neighbor

Ol' Boudreaux and his wife lived down in the river bottom. They had a neighbor across the river named Clarence. Well, one day, Boudreaux and Clarence were yelling back and forth cross that river arguing over something. Ol' Boudreaux had had enough. He stormed off to his house and grabbed his hat, ...

A young kid came upto me and said "Can I please have a cigarette?" I was astonished.

Kids these days have such great manners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Creation of Women

So Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden, kicking little stones and muttering to himself.

The Lord, seeing this, asked Adam what was wrong.

"Well", said Adam, I've been getting these strange urges from time to time, and I don't know what to do about them."

The Lord though...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newlywed bride and groom were about to commence their honeymoon activities

when the bride became annoyed at the groom’s overly enthusiastic advances. “Have some manners like you do at the dinner table!” she scolded. The groom stopped his pawing, sat up straight, straightened his hair, buttoned and smoothed his pajamas. “Good evening madam” said the groom. “You look very lo...

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady teacher draws a heart on the board

Teacher: "Tell me students, what have I drawn"

Students: "It looks like a Pussy"

Teacher (furiously) : "you don't have any manners. I am going to complain to principal"

She angrily walks out and calls principal into the class.

Principal looks at the board, and looks over ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

A very fine looking lady coming out of the washroom approached the bartender, smiling as she came closer to him.

When she came up to him she started to bite her lips in a very seductive manner and signalled him to come closer with her hands. The excited bartender was over the moon. She started to run her hands across his hair and caress his face. He was confused but also very turned on. Then she became even mo...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

American/Russian dog fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.