UPJOKE
fruiteggplantzucchiniberrypumpkinvegetabletomato plantapplecucumberpineapplewatermelonceleryonionavocadolettuce

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I ...

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem

The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the ne...

Three tomatoes are walking down the street

a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says, "catch up".

Given that pico de gallo is made with regular tomatoes...

...we'd need really big tomatoes to make nano de gallo

I think the tomatoes in my garden are actually round red time travelers.

They all seem to be developing wormholes.

There were two neighbours named George and Ted, and they both grew vegetable gardens. George's garden was growing beautifully, the tomatoes best of all. Meanwhile, Ted's garden was growing horribly, the tomatoes worst of all.

One day, Ted asked George, "How do I make my tomatoes ripen?"

"Maybe you should try doing what I did," said George. "You may remember that a few weeks ago, my tomatoes were just as bad as yours. Then I remembered reading somewhere that all tomatoes were female, so I came up with a plan to rip...

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

At the county fair, a woman asked a farmer how his tomatoes were so plump and red.

He told her that he stands at the edge of his garden every morning, naked. She said she would try that on her tomatoes.

The next year, at the county fair, the woman saw the farmer with his plump, red tomatoes. The farmer recognized the woman and asked her if she had tried out his trick.
...

If tomatoes are fruit, why is there a tomato in Veggietales?

The gourd works in mysterious ways.

Use "TOMATOES" to win a girl's heart?

I love you from my head TOMATOES.

Two tomatoes were crossing a road..

One of them looked at the other and said: "Hey, you screwed up the joke!"

A football fan appears in court for battery

The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?

The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.

The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?

(The judge points at the refs battered face.)

The fan: yeah...

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

(OC) guy at work doesn’t like tomatoes, so I asked him,

What’s it like, to-hate-o to-mah-to?

(OC cuz I thought of it myself but I’ll admit I’m sure someone somewhere has said this before)

What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?

A ketchup

A guy walks in a supermarket to buy tomatoes

Once he reaches to the tomato stand he asks:

Guy: Are this tomatoes genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

If tomatoes are a fruit

Then ketchup is a smoothie.

Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?

Because they can’t ketchup.

What is Donald Trump's Most Hated Movie?

*Attack of the Killer Tomatoes*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tomatoes crossed the road..

While they were crossing a speeding car came around the corner.

The second tomato leaped on to the sidewalk and just managed to get out of the way.

The first tomato came up to him and said.
What the fuck dude, you ruined the joke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

There was a family of tomatoes

Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato was starting to lag behind.
Daddy tomato got angry, so he ran over, jumped on the baby and squished him. Then he said
"Ketchup"

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".

"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."

They meet again a few weeks later. ...

Scooby Doo hates Roma Tomatoes.

He told me he was romophobic.

Why are tomatoes red?

Because they saw the salad dressing.

“Ok.. Milk..check! Eggs...check! Tomatoes.... check!”

“Sir, would you please stop writing separate checks for every single item?”

What do /r/jokes and Rotten Tomatoes have in common?

The real joke is always in the comments.

Growing tomatoes is great

Great way to waste 3 months trying to save $4.15

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

Two tomatoes cross a road

One gets squished by a car and the other says 'hurry up, ketchup'.

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