Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Donald Trump doesn’t let a garbanzo bean on his face

My mom won't support my dreams of becoming a bean farmer...

I wish she would just let me work in peas.

By the end of the day, we are all human beans

and together we will rice.

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

A single lady goes to the convenience store a buys : 12 eggs, 1L of milk and a can of fried beans.

When she's about the pay, the clerk looks at her and guesses :
\- "You must be single, right?"

The lady, visibly amused and intrigued, asks back how could he pick that up.

The clerk replies :

\-"Because you are ugly as f\*ck."

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their Irish bean soup?

Because one more and it would be too farty...

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

What do you call a bean who likes other beans?

A les-bean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beans

What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass!! Muahahahhaha!

What happens when a hooker eats a bean burrito?

Prostitoots!

What do you call the guy who guards the bean factory?

Fiber Security.

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

Why does Irish chili only have 239 beans?

Because anymore and it'd be too farty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our smart devices are spying on us, and I have proof!

I used my smart camera to take a dick pic, and within an hour the algorithm started sending me targeted ads for army helmets and bean bag chairs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

Krillin, Sean Bean and a Starfleet redshirt walk into a bar.

They all lived.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans”

Mr Bean vs Einstein

Einstein challenges Mr Bean.
He says "If you can't answer my question you'll give me 1$ and if I can't answer yours i'll give you 1000$."
Mr Bean agrees. So Einstein gives him a really hard question where he doesn't know the answer to, so he gives Einstein 1$.
Now it was Mr Beans turn, s...

Coffee isn't electrically conductive in bean form.

But it is when it's ground.

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with legumes.

Jack and the Beans talk.

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
<...

Tofu joke

What does Mexican tofu say?
Soy beans!

What does a coffee bean tell when he insults another coffee bean

'' You just got ROASTED ''

I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...

How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain?

Soy Bean

Veggies

I met a young lady in a bar the other night, we were getting along pretty good so we decided to go back to place a blocks away. When we got there we started kissing and got our cloths off.

I like going down on a lady so started munching on her and all of a sudden I got a green bean in my m...

A native american chieftain is constipated and his medicine man is out of options.

So he tells him to ride to the nearest town and see the white man's doctor. The doctor asks what's wrong, but the Chief's english isn't that good, so he says "Big Chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 2 cans of beans and a can opener. "Eat this for lunch, you'll be right as rain." The chief t...

Just heard on the news that some supermarkets are severely restricting how many of a particular item you can buy!

Woolworths > 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - 500g pack of rice, 1 - Ppack of toilet paper;

Coles > 1- pack of toilet paper, 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - Can of beans;

Aldi > 1 - MIG welder, 1 - Ladies sports bra, 1 - 2m tall garden trellis

I’m opening a coffee shop and adult novelty store.

I can’t wait until the next Friday when ‘Ground and Flicked beans’ finally opens to the general public.

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the store looking to buy vegetables

She walks up the the grocer and says "Excuse me, I would like to buy a pound of broccoli"

The grocer says "Oh I am sorry but we do mot have broccoli anymore. Can i interest you in some cabbage?"

The woman insists "No, I want a pound of broccoli"

The grocer says in a confused man...

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