Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Trump has never had a garbanzo bean on him!

Just traded my girlfriend for a bean burrito.

Food for thot.

Mr. Bean's first name

Fun Fact : Mr. Bean's first name is Mr. As seen on his passport in the movie.

A box of Uncle Ben’s beans and rice is a meal that everyone enjoys, but what most people don’t know about Uncle Ben is that he’s a former assassin. His classic recipe for death?

Ricin Beans

Whats the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean

Nobody will pay to have a garbanzo bean on there face

One night I was alone laying on a bean bag naked eating cheetos

The TV came on and the man said "are you lonely?" Why yes I am sir. "Have you spent countless days spending your time in a bar to feel loved by a woman for all of 20 minutes?" Wow this guys good. "Are you naked, alone, on a bean bag and eating cheetos?" YES SIRRR "do you feel the urge to send me ...

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

What do you get when you feed Goya beans to a Russian president?

A Tootin’ Putin.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

By the end of the day, we are all human beans

and together we will rice.

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

I onece visited the Heinz Beans factory

It was a very uncanny experience

A single lady goes to the convenience store a buys : 12 eggs, 1L of milk and a can of fried beans.

When she's about the pay, the clerk looks at her and guesses :
\- "You must be single, right?"

The lady, visibly amused and intrigued, asks back how could he pick that up.

The clerk replies :

\-"Because you are ugly as f\*ck."

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their Irish bean soup?

Because one more and it would be too farty...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...

A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells o...

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So there's this kid named Jackson . . .

Jackson is about to have his first day of kindergarten.

He knows his name. He's like 5 or 6, or whatever age kindergartners are. They all know their names. That's important.

So Jackson goes into his class. His parents drop him off or whatever. Class starts and the teacher starts doing ...

What do you call a bean who likes other beans?

A les-bean.

What do you call the guy who guards the bean factory?

Fiber Security.

My mom won't support my dreams of becoming a bean farmer...

I wish she would just let me work in peas.

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

What do you get if you eat onions with beans?

Teargas.

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

What happens when a hooker eats a bean burrito?

Prostitoots!

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Beans

What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass!! Muahahahhaha!

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

Why does Irish chili only have 239 beans?

Because anymore and it'd be too farty.

I know a guy, Jack, who can talk to vegetables

Jack and the beans talk

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

What type of drug can you take if you have an allergic reaction to Rowan Atkinson?

Anti-MisterBeans

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Stomach aches

My granddad (90 yrs old) loves to tell this joke. I'm wondering if anyone knows the source?

---------------


A man had such terrible stomach pains that he went to the doctor to get anything that might help.
The doctor asked him to sit upon the table so he could examine him.
...

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans”

Krillin, Sean Bean and a Starfleet redshirt walk into a bar.

They all lived.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to run beans in my eyes

But that's the benefit of Heinz-sight

Why have all the baked beans move to Queensland?

Because they like to live in Cairns

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Why did the coffee bean hide in the tree?

He heard he was going to be grounded.

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

Coffee isn't electrically conductive in bean form.

But it is when it's ground.

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with legumes.

Jack and the beans talk.

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

What does a coffee bean tell when he insults another coffee bean

'' You just got ROASTED ''

My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night.

If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

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