The 55+ Best Bean Jokes

What did the bean say to another bean?

How have you bean?

What do you call mr bean if he was high

A baked bean

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

I heard that beans were John Lennon's favourite vegetable....

.....up until he decided to give peas a chance.

Does anyone know how many beans are in 1 can of beans?

Two hundred thirty nine, because one more would be two farty

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his soup?

One more would have made it two farty.

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

A barista was accused of stealing coffee beans by his boss.

However, when they looked into the case, they found that there were no grounds to press charges.

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn't get any recognition for it?

He was honored posthummusly

People have had enough of me eating beans and drinking Chinese tea without explaining why I'm doing so

"This has been happening for far too long" they said.

"This has been happening for fart oolong", I replied.

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

They are the same thing, silly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Female masturbation is like preparing coffee.

You can grind your beans by hand, but it's easier and faster to just use a machine.

What did the one bean said to his fellow bean?

How you bean?

Did you ever hear the one about the foster kid who became a genetic engineer specializing in hybrid beans?

He’s still looking for his biological fava.

I tried to send Sean Bean a death threat

He mistook it for a job offer. :(

A man walks into the doctor's office with green beans hanging out of his nose and a carrot in each ear . . .

He says, Doc, I've been losing weight. What do you think could be wrong with me?

The doc leans back, looks at him, scratches his chin for a minute, and says, "I don't think you're eating right."

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

My online coffee bean order wasn’t eligible for overnight delivery.

They told me they only ship ground.

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ate nothing but beans for 48 hours

I now think I have Ass Purgers syndrome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

What do you call Muhammed Ali after he eats a lot of beans?

Gaseous Clay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Japanese kittens take to school for lunch?

A bean-toe box!

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

Irish bean soup

(Read in an Irish accent for effect)

An Irish mam and her wee lad were sitting in the kitchen as she taught him to make her famous Irish bean soup.

"Now son," she explained, "what really makes a bean soup is how many beans you use. More is better, but you must remember: never, NEVER p...

How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?

It uses Heinz sight.

What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans?

I hear they have a Tutankhamon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man goes to dinner at the GF's house for the first time after having had beans for lunch.

As they're sitting around the table, the father asks, while petting the family dog Rufus, what the young man's intentions are for his daughter. The young man starts to reply that his intentions are honorable and that he intends to be respectful, but he realizes that he's got a fart building, so he's...

I used to be a member of the Secret Vegetable Association Cult. But i was banished last week

Because i spilled the beans

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

As a new Dad, my dad joke senses are tingling. I made this joke (better when spoken). "Why did the 7 foot man take 2 cans of Garbanzo beans on the flight?"

Because he wanted more legume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which bodypart never gets mad?

The scrotum: They know how to cool their beans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says...

I've been told green beans are good for you

But how can they be better than the other jelly bean colors?

Mr. Bean and Einstein are playing a game

"Shall we play a game?" Einstein asked.

Mr. Bean nodded.

"Here are the rules: I will ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me a dollar. Then you ask me a question and if I can't answer it, I will give you $1000," said Einstein.

"Ok," said Mr. Bean.

"A...

My friend Jack’s special talent is communicating with legumes.

Jack and the beans talk.

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

Just traded my girlfriend for a bean burrito.

Food for thot.

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

Everybody says that garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing.

But I've never paid $25 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

This is pretty tame for me, but i can see how it might offend some, hence the NSFW tag.

An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...

Coffee is just bean tea!

Just let that steep for a few minutes

I saw a bean and a song sitting together at a bar.

I could tell the song was quite drunk and was really chatting up the bean.

The song said, “Hey there, bean. I *like* you beans because you’re the *musical* fruit. But I’ll tell you I cannot *stand* garbanzo beans. We songs wish to be *sung!* Those damn garbanzo beans only hummus.”

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?

Puss 'n' Toots!

Mr. Bean's first name

Fun Fact : Mr. Bean's first name is Mr. As seen on his passport in the movie.

Gas is still $1.29 if you know where to go.

Taco Bell bean burritos.

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

Mr Bean and Einstein in a flight together.

Einstein: Hey Mr Bean, let's play a game. I would ask you a question. If you can't answer it, you will have to give me ten dollars. You ask me a question and if I can't answer it I would give you a thousand dollars.

Bean: Okay, we can play that.

Einstein: What's the percentage of Nitro...

What sort of beans do they use in the Italian city of Pisa?

Cannellini beans

Did you hear about the coffee bean that committed murder?

It was sentenced to death by decaffeination.

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.