What did the bean say to another bean?

How have you bean?

How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?

239. Because one more would make it too farty

What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo Bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face

When I was a kid I had a penpal who lived in southeast Asia who worked in an athletic clothes sweatshop. I would send him gifts from America and he would send me different clothes he made at work. His name was Chen, but I called him Bean Burrito.

Because he made me puma pants.

What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans?

I hear they have a Tutankhamon

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

By the end of the day, we are all human beans

and together we will rice.

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

becca: [fries beans]

**rebecca:** *[refries beans]*

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

Everybody says that garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing.

But I've never paid $25 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

This is pretty tame for me, but i can see how it might offend some, hence the NSFW tag.

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

If you find beans in a beanery and cans in a cannery....

What do you find in a country?

A teenage girl falls pregnant...

Her mother is shocked and asks who the father of the baby is.

"Ma, if you ate a bowl of beans. Would you know which one made you fart?"

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables..

Jack and the beans talk.

A poor family starts saving up for spoons so they can invite their rich neighbor for supper... (Long)

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ...

What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?

Puss 'n' Toots!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

Coffee is just bean tea!

Just let that steep for a few minutes

What do two people who eat beans have in common with Ancient Egypt?

They “toot in common”

Torture

The Gestapo bring in their best torturer, to break three important prisoners who won't spill the beans.

The torturer breaks the first guy in a couple of days.

The second one is harder to break, so the torturer watches him at night, to see what he's doing in his cell. He discovers tha...

Mr. Bean's first name

Fun Fact : Mr. Bean's first name is Mr. As seen on his passport in the movie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

It's no use going to Pornhub to watch a hot garbanzo bean.

Why does Michael J. Fox make really good coffee?

Because he's rich and can afford high quality beans

What happens when a hooker eats a bean burrito?

Prostitoots!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl’s invited to his boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures s...

Just traded my girlfriend for a bean burrito.

Food for thot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

A hot mug of divorce

My wife said yesterday that she's almost out of coffee beans. I said "Well I guess that's it, instant coffee for you from here on out."

She asked me "How about divorce from here on out"?

I said "C'MON, that's what you're going to cite as grounds for divorce?"

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beans

What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass!! Muahahahhaha!

Why did the man with poor vision pour baked beans into his eyes?

Heinz-sight is 20/20.

Guy walks into the doctor's office...

A guy with green beans stuck in his ears goes to the doctor.

"Doc, ya gotta help me," he moans, "I feel terrible."

The doctor says, "Well I can tell just by looking at you, you're not eating right."

What do you get when you feed Goya beans to a Russian president?

A Tootin’ Putin.

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.