Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

If you find beans in a beanery and cans in a cannery....

What do you find in a country?

becca: [fries beans]

**rebecca:** *[refries beans]*

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a...

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

Whats the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

The difference is Trump never paid 50k to have a garbanzo bean on his face

What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?

Puss 'n' Toots!

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

Why did the Irishman only use 239 beans in his soup?

Because one more would be too farty.

What's the difference between a garbonzo bean and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $20 to have a garbonzo bean on my face.

What do two people who eat beans have in common with Ancient Egypt?

They “toot in common”

Coffee is just bean tea!

Just let that steep for a few minutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Experience and wisdom can't be beaten

Due to his owner's negligence, an old dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa.

Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. ...

By the end of the day, we are all human beans

and together we will rice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you mix refried beans with peanut butter?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your butt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

Mr. Bean's first name

Fun Fact : Mr. Bean's first name is Mr. As seen on his passport in the movie.

Just traded my girlfriend for a bean burrito.

Food for thot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl’s invited to his boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures s...

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?

"Have you bean stalking me?"

The chef asked me how my mother was

I said not bad, how’s your fava bean

*From Ian Ross, not mine* - A mum was asked 'Why is your daughter crying?'

'She has five baked beans stuck up her nose.'

'And why is your son crying?'

'He wants his lunch back.'

What do you call a sunburnt vegan?

A baked bean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

A box of Uncle Ben’s beans and rice is a meal that everyone enjoys, but what most people don’t know about Uncle Ben is that he’s a former assassin. His classic recipe for death?

Ricin Beans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She said she was stripping to feed her kids.

Yet she got pissed at me when I stuck a can of green beans in her garter.

A man walks into a restaurant

He asks the waiter for the best food available.

**The waiter brings him a soup of beans**

The man starts drinking but stopped once he saw a tiny hair

_Hey, waiter! What's that on my soup?_

**Then the waiter responds:**

_It fell off the Bean's sack_

The man t...

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

There were once three square kingdoms on different sides of a triangular river.

One night, the king of the first kingdom invited all the people of all three kingdoms over to the castle to celebrate his daughter’s 18th birthday. All the people of the kingdoms were enjoying themselves, until an argument between the three kings broke out between whose daughter was the most beautif...

What happens when a hooker eats a bean burrito?

Prostitoots!

One night I was alone laying on a bean bag naked eating cheetos

The TV came on and the man said "are you lonely?" Why yes I am sir. "Have you spent countless days spending your time in a bar to feel loved by a woman for all of 20 minutes?" Wow this guys good. "Are you naked, alone, on a bean bag and eating cheetos?" YES SIRRR "do you feel the urge to send me ...

What do you get when you feed Goya beans to a Russian president?

A Tootin’ Putin.

Whats the favorite vegetable of cannibals?

Kid knee beans

Me hiding under the table from the giant...

Giant: I’ll grind your bones to make my bread

Me: *steps out with a grin* Well don’t eat my humerus bone because that’ll taste funny.

Giant: *throws me off the bean stalk*

A Women enters a grocery store

"What are these round green things back there?" she asks the cashier

"Those are apples ma'am" he responds

"Ok, can I have a kilo... ...and pack only one per bag please"

next the women walks up to another shelf and aks:

"What are those orange things i am looking at here?...

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

Why does Irish chili only have 239 beans?

Because anymore and it'd be too farty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. I picked up a girl in a bar the other night and we went back to her place.

We started making out and getting naked. I went down and started munching on that pussy and got a piece of corn in my mouth. I didn’t think to much of it, just threw over my shoulder and went on eating. Then I got a green bean in my mouth. I like green beans, I just ate it and went back down. Th...

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Man walks into a bar.

He buys a beer from a rather beautiful bar maid, she asks him if he would like any food? He has a glance at the menu above the bar.

Pie and beans $5.00
Sandwich $4.00
Hand job $10.00

He asks the bar maid, "are you the one giving the hand jobs?". She giggles and winks at the man,...

I onece visited the Heinz Beans factory

It was a very uncanny experience

Why couldn’t Jack, from Jack and the Beanstalk, go up to the castle in the sky anymore?

He’s already bean there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Hobos are hunkered down around a jungle fire by the railroad tracks

Reminiscing about the windfalls they'd found in their years riding the rails and living the vagabond life. The first hobo said:

"This one time, a train stopped, and I found a whole case of pork and beans. Took some strength to haul it off and hide it, but I had enough chow to make it through ...

Krillin, Sean Bean and a Starfleet redshirt walk into a bar.

They all lived.

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

Today when travelling to work there was an announcement at the train station.

The speakers above announced: "Sorry everyone, we are having a bus replacement service today."

I walked over to the ticket counter and gave the worker a can of beans.

He said "Why have you given me this?"

I replied "Well, sorry, but this is my money replacement service."

What do you call a British Mexican?

A Limey Bean

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to run beans in my eyes

But that's the benefit of Heinz-sight

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gu...

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

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