UPJOKE
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What did the bean say to another bean?

How have you bean?

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $20 to have a garbanzo bean on my face!

I heard that beans were John Lennon's favourite vegetable....

.....up until he decided to give peas a chance.

What do you call Muhammed Ali after he eats a lot of beans?

Gaseous Clay

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

People have had enough of me eating beans and drinking Chinese tea without explaining why I'm doing so

"This has been happening for far too long" they said.

"This has been happening for fart oolong", I replied.

By the end of the day, we are all human beans

and together we will rice.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

Does anyone know how many beans are in 1 can of beans?

Two hundred thirty nine, because one more would be two farty

My online coffee bean order wasn’t eligible for overnight delivery.

They told me they only ship ground.

There are only 239 beans in an Irish bean soup

One more would make it too farty.

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn't get any recognition for it?

He was honored posthummusly

What do you call mr bean if he was high

A baked bean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl is invited to her boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans beforehand. When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures she can wait until dinner is over. Unfortunately, 15 minutes later, she can’t hold it any longer. At the same time, his...

Irish bean soup

(Read in an Irish accent for effect)

An Irish mam and her wee lad were sitting in the kitchen as she taught him to make her famous Irish bean soup.

"Now son," she explained, "what really makes a bean soup is how many beans you use. More is better, but you must remember: never, NEVER p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man goes to dinner at the GF's house for the first time after having had beans for lunch.

As they're sitting around the table, the father asks, while petting the family dog Rufus, what the young man's intentions are for his daughter. The young man starts to reply that his intentions are honorable and that he intends to be respectful, but he realizes that he's got a fart building, so he's...

Gas is still $1.29 if you know where to go.

Taco Bell bean burritos.

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans?

I hear they have a Tutankhamon

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

A hooker goes to the doctor

She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant

"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"

"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

A tribal island nation in the pacific…

A tribal island nation in the pacific make their riches by trading cocoa beans with other civilisations. The chief of the tribe one day looks upon all the gold they have accumulated and decides that he must do something to show his affluence. His consults his advisor and decides on a nice throne, bu...

How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?

It uses Heinz sight.

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

As a new Dad, my dad joke senses are tingling. I made this joke (better when spoken). "Why did the 7 foot man take 2 cans of Garbanzo beans on the flight?"

Because he wanted more legume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy went on a date with a beautiful girl

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.When they got there, he asked her...

I've been told green beans are good for you

But how can they be better than the other jelly bean colors?

becca: [fries beans]

**rebecca:** *[refries beans]*

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

Why don't people gossip during breakfast?

They don't want to spill the beans.

How do you make Turkish coffee?

You grind up 1.5 million Armenian coffee beans and lie about it for a century.

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

If you find beans in a beanery and cans in a cannery....

What do you find in a country?

I was on a golf course once and heard a guy yell "FOUR!"

I ducked and the ball narrowly missed my head. But the other three beaned me good.

Just traded my girlfriend for a bean burrito.

Food for thot.

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

Everybody says that garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing.

But I've never paid $25 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

This is pretty tame for me, but i can see how it might offend some, hence the NSFW tag.

Why can’t a farmer keep secrets on her farm?

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.

Coffee is just bean tea!

Just let that steep for a few minutes

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Going up?

An old woman gets on an elevator in a very lavish and posh 30 story building, when a young and beautiful woman also gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance by Ralph Lauren, $120 a bottle.”

Then another young and be...

What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?

Puss 'n' Toots!

Mr. Bean's first name

Fun Fact : Mr. Bean's first name is Mr. As seen on his passport in the movie.

Mr. Bean and Einstein are playing a game

"Shall we play a game?" Einstein asked.

Mr. Bean nodded.

"Here are the rules: I will ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me a dollar. Then you ask me a question and if I can't answer it, I will give you $1000," said Einstein.

"Ok," said Mr. Bean.

"A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.

After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"

His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "Se...

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

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