My neighbor has a 15 acre farm, he breeds dogs to do work on them. He grows cantaloupe, and come harvest time the dogs sniff out the ripe ones and bring them back to the barn.

He says the breed are Melon Collies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The inmates of an asylum are playing a game called "ripe mango"

It consists of the inmates climbing a tree in the facility and yelling "ripe mango", before letting go and falling to the ground. The director of the asylum passes by and chuckes and one of the inmates calls him to play.

The director, just to indulge them, climbs the tree but yells "unripe m...

The secret of long life

A young man met a cowboy who was 104, still active and in good health. He asked the old-timer what the secret was to his longevity.


The old man said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning see. If you do, you'll live to a nice, ripe old age."


So ...

Little Johnny was on a park bench having a cigarette when a Karen walks up to him.

“Excuse me, young boy, but those things will take years off your life.”

“With all due respect madame, I’ll have you know that my grand-father lived to the ripe old age of 104.”

“Did he smoke also?”

“No. He minded his own f\*\*king business.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William Stranahan heads to the village for a pint or two...

The old Scotsman is greeted at the pub by his aged mates for their weekly bender. And, aye, they are shameless. They leer at the young lassies. They gripe about the fleeting virility of the young men. They curse the government. They reminisce about the days of yore. But mostly, they drink well throu...

Three vampires decide to hold a race

Whoever can get a mouth full of blood the quickest wins. The first vampire flies out and comes back in 10 minutes with his mouth full of blood.

"You see that college there? I like the fresh blood"

The second vampire flies out and comes back within 5 minutes, blood dripping out of his ...

I'd like to tell you a ripe joke...

It's just not ready yet.

How ripe are your tomatoes?

A beautiful woman loved growing a garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your toma...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a ripe and a rotten avocado?

About fifteen minutes.

^Motherfuckers...

In Jamaica, how do you know if a mango is ripe?

Pokémon Go!

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they l...

An Irishman moves to England

At the ripe old age of 80 he passes away. A couple of his drinking buddies go around from house to house to collect money to be able to bury their friend. They stop at an old Englishman's house and ask if he can give them one euro to bury an Irishman. The Englishman tells them, "Hell, I'll give you ...

How do you know if an apple is ripe

It is like a good marriage. You take the stalk firmly in fingers and give it a light jack. If it is ripe, it should come right away.
Actual (translated) quote from an apple farmer.

There was 3 boys living with their grandfather deep in an Asian jungle.

One day, their grandfather asked them to accompany the grouchy old lady that lived nearby them while she walked out to town. Before they left, their grandfather said, "Behave and remember all that I have have taught you."

As they walked the old lady nagged and nagged. She complained about eve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter?

Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter? Poor schmuck was bullied for his name as far back as grade school. Everyone anticipated daily roll call just to hear the teacher call out his name and burst in uncontrolled laughter. Even the teachers giggled. It didn't end after school, he joined the army h...

A priest is working in the confessional booth

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery w...

Went out with a bang...

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instruc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

Bananas and avocados grow old together. I ship them.

Explanation: Many companies ship pre-ripe avocados with bananas, which release chemicals that ripen avocados on their way to the store. (This is so the avocados are freshly ripe when they get to the store, not when picked) (grow old = ripen)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pop my Cherry

A man was driving down a remote road when his car broke down. There was no cell service so he walked to the nearest farm. He was approached by a farmer.

“How can I help you?” asked the farmer.

“Can I use a phone, my car broke down?”

“All the phones are down, I can drive you i...

"Wanna hear a really good joke about half-grown bananas?"

"Nevermind, now's not the ripe time!" 😉

I made this myself, instead of sleeping at night.

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting outside an office building having a smoke...

When another man walks out. He says to the first guy "Y'know, those'll kill ya".

The first one says, "my granddad lived to a ripe old age of 95".

"Oh really," the second one says, "and he smoked?"

"No, he didn't smoke. He knew how to mind his own fucking business."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish p...

Mr. Pineapple and his Honey Melon are berry in love..

"Sweety, we are ripe for a wedding! Let's invite olive our fruity friends!"

"Are you sure we cantaloupe?"

A Man walkes into a bar...

He orders a drink and get's aware of a bucket full of gold nuggets standing behind the barman. He askes him about that. He replies:

"Well you can win this bucket, by fulfilling three tasks:

At first I gonna give you a full pint of whiskey and you have to drink it all by one.
Seco...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A banana, a pickle, and a penis are sitting in a bar...

They are all bullshitting about their lives and how bad they each have it.

The banana pipes up and says "Man, my life really sucks. Ya know, when I get big, ripe, and juicy they take me, slice me up, and throw me on an ice cold ice cream sundae."

The pickle says "Ha! That's a laugh! I...

If you eat a banana without it's consent

Does that make it Ripe?

Mental asylum got a new fence...

..to stop the patients from escaping. It was a nice red fence around the asylum so all the patients could walk outside. Next morning when the staff came to work the fence was gone and all the patients had escaped. After a lot of trouble they caught all the patients and asked what they did with the...

What do you do when you see a green alien?

Wait until they are ripe!


* I'm either really tired, or this is so stupid it's hilarious

What did one strawberry say to the other.

If you hadn't been so ripe yesterday we wouldn't be in this jam!!

Was told this joke by a late night cashier. Good to see people can enjoy their work at any hour of the day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John's last fart

Ol John loved to fart. Perhaps what he loved most was that it pissed off his wife Nellie when he farted in bed early in the morning to wake her up, always in her direction. He would hold it back and build all the pressure he could stand, then let it fly, making all the noise he could. One day the wi...

Too Much Loved for Baked Beans!

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiancé and Iast night.

In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of th...

The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.
...

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

Wisdom of the Ancients

Two girls Have reached the ripe age of 18 in the small Russian Jewish town, but there's no groom in sight. The town's rabbi sends a letter to nearest Yeshiva to send proper grooms. Yossl and Yitzi are picked for the task and are sent on a train, to meet the prospective brides. Halfway there, Yitzi t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.