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Ripe Jokes

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

A young boy asks an old man how he got to be so old

The old man tells the boy "Oh it's an old cowboy trick! Every morning I put a spoonful of gunpowder on my oatmeal!" So the young boy starts doing it and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 106. He left behind 3 children, 8 grandchildren, 4 great-grandchildren and a 30 foot hole in the wall o...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

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Ripe apples

American guy had a huge appletree. All appels are ripe but there are too many, so he calls his neighbour, mexican guy, for help.

"My mexican friend come help me to harvest my apples. You climb up the tree and shake those apples off. Me and my wife will pick them up"

Mexican climbs up...

What kind of berries are these?

\- What kind of berries are these?

\- These are red Currants

\- Then Why are they yellow?

\- Because they are green



Joke explanation for those who didn't understand really fun and smart joke.

So this joke is from Lithuania (it is a country in Europe) So fo...

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

How ripe are your tomatoes?

A beautiful woman loved growing a garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your toma...

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The inmates of an asylum are playing a game called "ripe mango"

It consists of the inmates climbing a tree in the facility and yelling "ripe mango", before letting go and falling to the ground. The director of the asylum passes by and chuckes and one of the inmates calls him to play.

The director, just to indulge them, climbs the tree but yells "unripe m...

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

I'd like to tell you a ripe joke...

It's just not ready yet.

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What's the difference between a ripe and a rotten avocado?

About fifteen minutes.

^Motherfuckers...

How do you know if an apple is ripe

It is like a good marriage. You take the stalk firmly in fingers and give it a light jack. If it is ripe, it should come right away.
Actual (translated) quote from an apple farmer.

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that

if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot HOLE wh...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

What does Matthew McConaughey say when he's picking fruit?

All ripe, all ripe, all ripe.

Why did the tomato turn red?

Well, you see, the tomato belongs to a family of plants called Solanaceae, which contains a pigment called lycopene. When the tomato begins to ripen, the chlorophyll in the fruit starts to break down, allowing the lycopene to become more visible. As a result, the tomato appears to turn from a greeni...

The Two Drunkards

Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree, they start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a life time missing the target, one says to the other, ''Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take...

Knock knock.....

*hmm...that's a nice ripe watermelon*

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A banana, a pickle, and a penis are sitting in a bar...

They are all bullshitting about their lives and how bad they each have it.

The banana pipes up and says "Man, my life really sucks. Ya know, when I get big, ripe, and juicy they take me, slice me up, and throw me on an ice cold ice cream sundae."

The pickle says "Ha! That's a laugh! I...

Why couldn’t Prince Andrew be a cherry farmer?

He kept picking them before they were ripe.

Went out with a bang...

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instru...

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

Living beside a groundhog means you get one prediction every morning.

Yesterday I learned that my tomatoes will be ripe in 6 weeks.

Today I learned that my dementia is onset and early.

Little Jonny was sitting on a park bench enjoying a cigarette.

A woman stopped, “excuse me young man, but I’ll have you know that those can take years off of your life.”

“No disrespect ma’am, but I’ll have you know that my grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 104.”

“Did he smoke also?”

“No, he minded his own f\*\*king business.”

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A newlywed couple are about to sleep together…

Before the intercourse begins the wife says, “give me 30 dollars.” The husband says, “for WHAT?!”. She says, “everytime we have sex, you are to give me 30 dollars.” The husband relectuantly complies.

After 40 years of marriage, the wife comes home really happy one day with the news of a smal...

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

A group of moles are hibernating for the winter in a burrow by a small farm on the countryside

One morning, one of the moles pops his head out of the hole.

“I smell maple syrup in the air!” Says the mole, “every start of spring the farmer’s wife cooks pancakes. It’s time for us to leave!”

The mole leaves the burrow. And a second mole sticks his head out.

“He’s onto someth...

Posted a slightly raw fruit-joke on reddit, and after a while...

ripe inbox

An Irishman moves to England

At the ripe old age of 80 he passes away. A couple of his drinking buddies go around from house to house to collect money to be able to bury their friend. They stop at an old Englishman's house and ask if he can give them one euro to bury an Irishman. The Englishman tells them, "Hell, I'll give you ...

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A man is sitting outside an office building having a smoke...

When another man walks out. He says to the first guy "Y'know, those'll kill ya".

The first one says, "my granddad lived to a ripe old age of 95".

"Oh really," the second one says, "and he smoked?"

"No, he didn't smoke. He knew how to mind his own fucking business."

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Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

Three vampires decide to hold a race

Whoever can get a mouth full of blood the quickest wins. The first vampire flies out and comes back in 10 minutes with his mouth full of blood.

"You see that college there? I like the fresh blood"

The second vampire flies out and comes back within 5 minutes, blood dripping out of his ...

Mr. Pineapple and his Honey Melon are berry in love..

"Sweety, we are ripe for a wedding! Let's invite olive our fruity friends!"

"Are you sure we cantaloupe?"

What do you do when you see a green alien?

Wait until they are ripe!


* I'm either really tired, or this is so stupid it's hilarious

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An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish p...

George and Muriel died and went to Heaven...

They had been married for well over 70 years, and both were in excellent health. Their bodies were just too old to continue and they passed away of natural causes at the ripe age of 106 and 108, hours apart. Their longevity was due to the strictly healthy diet Muriel kept them on.

St. Peter ...

Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they l...

Mental asylum got a new fence...

..to stop the patients from escaping. It was a nice red fence around the asylum so all the patients could walk outside. Next morning when the staff came to work the fence was gone and all the patients had escaped. After a lot of trouble they caught all the patients and asked what they did with the...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

Bus driver on Sesame Street.

So, there is a guy who needs a job. He goes to the employment agency and they tell him the only job they have is as bus driver on Sesame Street. He thinks its a bit weird, but he needs a job. First day driving the bus, he gets to the first stop and two very overweight women get on the bus sweating p...

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John's last fart

Ol John loved to fart. Perhaps what he loved most was that it pissed off his wife Nellie when he farted in bed early in the morning to wake her up, always in her direction. He would hold it back and build all the pressure he could stand, then let it fly, making all the noise he could. One day the wi...

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Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiancé and Iast night.

In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of th...

There was 3 boys living with their grandfather deep in an Asian jungle.

One day, their grandfather asked them to accompany the grouchy old lady that lived nearby them while she walked out to town. Before they left, their grandfather said, "Behave and remember all that I have have taught you."

As they walked the old lady nagged and nagged. She complained about eve...

The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.
...

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Pop my Cherry

A man was driving down a remote road when his car broke down. There was no cell service so he walked to the nearest farm. He was approached by a farmer.

“How can I help you?” asked the farmer.

“Can I use a phone, my car broke down?”

“All the phones are down, I can drive you i...

Wisdom of the Ancients

Two girls Have reached the ripe age of 18 in the small Russian Jewish town, but there's no groom in sight. The town's rabbi sends a letter to nearest Yeshiva to send proper grooms. Yossl and Yitzi are picked for the task and are sent on a train, to meet the prospective brides. Halfway there, Yitzi t...

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

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Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

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In a parallel universe the world is ruled by a fascist government.

Every year the Supreme Dictator is entertained on his birthday by way of a grand concert performed by the Great Orchestra.

On the 50th birthday of the Supreme Dictator the Great Orchestra's performance is being guided by a new and young music director by the name of Saba Saging.

The wh...

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