The 65+ Best Beet Jokes

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

What's the difference between a radish and a beet?

I've never radished off to OP's mom.

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A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

What do you call an uncool beet?

A square root

There was a family of beet farmers

Their farm has been in the family for years and the father had all the intentions to keep it that way. His son, on the other hand, did not. This was a common argument between the two of them until, one day, the son had had enough.

So, in the middle of the night, he stole his dad’s Kia Soul an...

How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

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Does eating a lot of beets make your semen pink?

I’m not sure if I should wait till my girlfriend and I have sex fo find out, or if I’ll just come clean

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard...

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecogniz...

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One day, Hitler decided to have beet juice with his breakfast

However, he spilled some on his white shirt, which made him look like he was bleeding. Having just walked into the room, his bodyguard exclaimed, "Mein Gott! Are you hurt? I bet it was that bastard Strasser!"

Hitler calmly reassured him: "Nein, the juice did this"

When you drop the beet...

...everybody's going to turnip

What is Dwight Schrutes favourite Michael Jackson song?

Beet it.

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

Why do good DJs make bad farmers?

Because they only make sick beets

A mother takes her teenage daughter to her gynecologist appointment

The doctor performs a routine test and discovers the teen is pregnant. Her mother's face turns beet red. If smoke could escape her ears, it would fill the room.

The daughter pleads, "Mother, the doctor must be wrong, I've never even kissed a boy!!"

Upon hearing this, the doctor get up ...

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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!

(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...

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While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

What does a musical farmer with no hands do?

Drops the beet.

Why did the chef taunt the musician?

The chef had a better beet.

What do you call a policeman who patrols farmers fields?

A beet cop!

Why did the farmer become a DJ?

Because he had sick beets.

These Farmers got arrested!

Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?

For stalking

Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?

He’s out on bail

Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?

He beet up his friend with a potato and didn’t carrot all.

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?

He heard they had fresh beets.

A struggling SoundCloud rapper decides to get a job as a farmer...

He now produces his own beets

Why didn't the vegetable pay its bills?

Because it was a dead beet.

What do vegans say before a fight

I’m gonna give you a beet down

What is a vegetable’s favorite joke?

Beets me!

Yet again I bought a beetroot that punches avocados.

Back with another one of those guac clockin' beets.

Dr. Dre was arrested at a grocery store today.

He dropped too many beets.

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

Or a beet down?

Farmers hired a DJ for pest control

To drop some sick beets

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.

Beets the alternative.

Why couldn't the radish finish the race?

He was just a little beet.

A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.

A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, ...

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I started my fairly new job at Starbucks a couple month ago...

When this smoking hot girl comes in I mean an absolute babe! Luscious blonde hair, green eyes, perfect lashes, long legs with the shortest skirt I have seen, a belly button piercing with a stomach you could crack a walnut on and a push up bra that was holding the world up, I was in shock and speechl...

Did you hear about the vegetable that was acquitted of murder?

He beet the rap.

One day in class Little Johnny irritatedly questioned the teacher......

One day in class the teacher brought a bag. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who pro...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

If there were ever a war between forest predators and space travellers, I’d pick the forest predators.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

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Tax Man (long)

One morning, a man got a call from the IRS.

IRS Agent: "Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."

Mr Smith: "Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"
...

A blonde was determined to prove people wrong

So she speaks to her husband about this after reading dozens of blond jokes.

“I’m fed up with this, I’ve never done something so stupid! I can do something to prove everyone wrong about blondes and what a better opportunity since we just moved into this house.”

Husband replies with a c...

Credit: jayC137

Clumsy vegetarians make the best DJs. They’re always dropping beets.

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The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

What did the vegetarian do at the club

Dropped a beet

What do you call Vegan Headphones?

Beets.

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A Man Goes to the Circus

A man goes to the circus. It's his first time, and he's pretty nervous about it. During an intermission, one of the clowns approaches the microphone and says "We are giving a special prize to the person sitting in section A, Row 12, seat D."

It's the man! He stands up, very nervous, and the c...

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A cowboy is sitting in a bar having a whiskey

Before too long, a young, attractive blonde in a short skirt walks in and takes a seat up next to him at the bar. He offers to buy her a drink, so she asks for a martini.

They talk for a short while and hit it off fairly well. As the blonde finishes her martini and goes to eat the ol...

My girlfriend is very strange...

When we go to bed, she starts placing slices of beetroot circling her muff.

Every time I ask her about it she goes off on one about how great salads are...

"Jeez", I thought, "why does she always have to beet around the bush".

What's Dr.Dre's favourite vegetable?

Beets

A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the barten...

Why did the DJ get fired from the supermarket?

He kept dropping the beets.

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If Dwight Schrute gave someone the sex talk

It would be the birds and the beets

What is something that's burried but you can still dance on it?

A beet

Why did the vegetable band break up?

They couldn't keep the beet.

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Timmy learns about construction

Little Timmy's sitting at home complaining to his mom that he's bored.
A new house is being built next door so she says, "Why don't you go next door and maybe you can learn something about construction. Just make sure to stay out of everyone's way." "OK." Timmy replies and heads next door. Hours...

How do you introduce an exhausted red vegetable to a steak?

"Beat beet, meet meat."

My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition.

She didn't miss a beet.

The Toastmaster

Once upon a time in a small village there lived a toastmaster. One sunny day, two young villagers decided to get married and the whole village invited the toastmaster to the wedding. The toastmaster gave a flamboyant speech and suddenly discovered he really needed to pass gas. The reception were to ...

Why did the farmer have to supplement his income by DJing at night?

because his Beets were sick

What do you get when you cross a vegetable with a pronoun?

Beets me.

did you hear about the clumsy musician who tried gardening?

he dropped the beet

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