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A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

What would have been Beethoven's record label?

Deaf Jam.

What do vegans say before a fight

I’m gonna give you a beet down

One of my favorite Reagan jokes:

A Soviet Diplomat goes to one of the farms in Russia, and approaches the farmer.

“How are the carrots doing?” Said the Diplomat.

“Oh, the carrots are as big and orange as ever!” Replies the farmer.

“I see, and how are the beets?”

“Oh, sir, if Gorbachev saw these beets, he...

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.

A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, ...

What does a musical farmer with no hands do?

Drops the beet.

Did you hear about the vegetable that was acquitted of murder?

He beet the rap.

Credit: jayC137

Clumsy vegetarians make the best DJs. They’re always dropping beets.

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

When you drop the beet...

...everybody's going to turnip

If there were ever a war between forest predators and space travellers, I’d pick the forest predators.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

Or a beet down?

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

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One day, Hitler decided to have beet juice with his breakfast

However, he spilled some on his white shirt, which made him look like he was bleeding. Having just walked into the room, his bodyguard exclaimed, "Mein Gott! Are you hurt? I bet it was that bastard Strasser!"

Hitler calmly reassured him: "Nein, the juice did this"

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

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I started my fairly new job at Starbucks a couple month ago...

When this smoking hot girl comes in I mean an absolute babe! Luscious blonde hair, green eyes, perfect lashes, long legs with the shortest skirt I have seen, a belly button piercing with a stomach you could crack a walnut on and a push up bra that was holding the world up, I was in shock and speechl...

A struggling SoundCloud rapper decides to get a job as a farmer...

He now produces his own beets

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The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

What did the knight say to the turnip?

Begone, foul beet!

Why was the DJ kicked out of the farmers market?

For dropping beets!

What do you call Vegan Headphones?

Beets.

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Tax Man (long)

One morning, a man got a call from the IRS.

IRS Agent: "Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."

Mr Smith: "Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"
...

A blonde was determined to prove people wrong

So she speaks to her husband about this after reading dozens of blond jokes.

“I’m fed up with this, I’ve never done something so stupid! I can do something to prove everyone wrong about blondes and what a better opportunity since we just moved into this house.”

Husband replies with a c...

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While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

What did the vegetarian do at the club

Dropped a beet

Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?

He heard they had fresh beets.

A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the barten...

My girlfriend is very strange...

When we go to bed, she starts placing slices of beetroot circling her muff.

Every time I ask her about it she goes off on one about how great salads are...

"Jeez", I thought, "why does she always have to beet around the bush".

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A cowboy is sitting in a bar having a whiskey

Before too long, a young, attractive blonde in a short skirt walks in and takes a seat up next to him at the bar. He offers to buy her a drink, so she asks for a martini.


They talk for a short while and hit it off fairly well. As the blonde finishes her martini and goes to eat the ol...

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If Dwight Schrute gave someone the sex talk

It would be the birds and the beets

What's Dr.Dre's favourite vegetable?

Beets

Father's ashes!

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up...

Why couldn't the radish finish the race?

He was just a little beet.

What is something that's burried but you can still dance on it?

A beet

What is someone doing when they are disposing of diseased radishes?

Dropping some ill beets.

Why did the farmer have to supplement his income by DJing at night?

because his Beets were sick

I had a vegetarian girlfriend who was into BDSM.

She did not carrot all if I beet her.

How do you introduce an exhausted red vegetable to a steak?

"Beat beet, meet meat."

My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition.

She didn't miss a beet.

Why did the vegetable band break up?

They couldn't keep the beet.

The Toastmaster

Once upon a time in a small village there lived a toastmaster. One sunny day, two young villagers decided to get married and the whole village invited the toastmaster to the wedding. The toastmaster gave a flamboyant speech and suddenly discovered he really needed to pass gas. The reception were to ...

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A Man Goes to the Circus

A man goes to the circus. It's his first time, and he's pretty nervous about it. During an intermission, one of the clowns approaches the microphone and says "We are giving a special prize to the person sitting in section A, Row 12, seat D."

It's the man! He stands up, very nervous, and the c...

What do you get when you cross a vegetable with a pronoun?

Beets me.

did you hear about the clumsy musician who tried gardening?

he dropped the beet

Why was the clumsy vegetable farmer a good dj?

Because he dropped the beet.

Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off!

Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them

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Timmy learns about construction

Little Timmy's sitting at home complaining to his mom that he's bored.
A new house is being built next door so she says, "Why don't you go next door and maybe you can learn something about construction. Just make sure to stay out of everyone's way." "OK." Timmy replies and heads next door. Hours...

Why don't the Beastie Boys juggle vegetables anymore?

Because they kept making the beets... MMMMMM DROPPPPP

What does Dwight Schrute have in common with Greece

A bunch of dead beets.

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

Why did the veggie band sound horrible live?

Because they were missing a beet.

What was the vegan rock band's first hit?

Lettuce turnip the beet!

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To get in the deer hunting spirit

For the past 20 years ten of my closest friends have been spending deer season in the same camp in the UP (Upper Peninsula). This year one of the members got married; worse yet, his brother in law wanted to join the camp. The problem was the brother in law was a FIB (fucking Illinois bastard).
...

What do you get when you go to a rapper's vegetable farm?

Beets by Dre

Sailor walks up to a Pirate in a bar...

...offers to buy the pirate a drink if he tells him the tales of his hook, pegleg, and eye patch.

The pirate agrees, but to one drink per tale.

Sailor buys him a drink, and says, well, why don't you start with the pegleg?

Pirate takes a long swig, leans forward and says "SHARK!"...

There was a guy who wanted a vegetable garden

Being the artistic person that he is, he decided to grow different kinds of vegetables in a four concentric circles in his garden around a trimmed, flowery bush in the center of the garden. In the outermost circle, to ward off animals, he planted chili growing plants. In the next circle, he planted ...

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