This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

What's the difference between a radish and a beet?

My dad never radished the hell out of me.

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

That is the most musical vegetable?

The beet.

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

Or a beet down?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started my fairly new job at Starbucks a couple month ago...

When this smoking hot girl comes in I mean an absolute babe! Luscious blonde hair, green eyes, perfect lashes, long legs with the shortest skirt I have seen, a belly button piercing with a stomach you could crack a walnut on and a push up bra that was holding the world up, I was in shock and speechl...

What did the knight say to the turnip?

Begone, foul beet!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Hitler decided to have beet juice with his breakfast

However, he spilled some on his white shirt, which made him look like he was bleeding. Having just walked into the room, his bodyguard exclaimed, "Mein Gott! Are you hurt? I bet it was that bastard Strasser!"

Hitler calmly reassured him: "Nein, the juice did this"

How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

When you drop the beet...

...everybody's going to turnip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

Why was the DJ kicked out of the farmers market?

For dropping beets!

What did the vegetarian do at the club

Dropped a beet

What do you call Vegan Headphones?

Beets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tax Man (long)

One morning, a man got a call from the IRS.

IRS Agent: "Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."

Mr Smith: "Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"
...

A struggling SoundCloud rapper decides to get a job as a farmer...

He now produces his own beets

A blonde was determined to prove people wrong

So she speaks to her husband about this after reading dozens of blond jokes.

“I’m fed up with this, I’ve never done something so stupid! I can do something to prove everyone wrong about blondes and what a better opportunity since we just moved into this house.”

Husband replies with a c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Dwight Schrute gave someone the sex talk

It would be the birds and the beets

A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the barten...

My girlfriend is very strange...

When we go to bed, she starts placing slices of beetroot circling her muff.

Every time I ask her about it she goes off on one about how great salads are...

"Jeez", I thought, "why does she always have to beet around the bush".

Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?

He heard they had fresh beets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy is sitting in a bar having a whiskey

Before too long, a young, attractive blonde in a short skirt walks in and takes a seat up next to him at the bar. He offers to buy her a drink, so she asks for a martini.


They talk for a short while and hit it off fairly well. As the blonde finishes her martini and goes to eat the ol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

Why do farmers make the best rappers?

Because they always have the freshest beets.

One day in class Little Johnny irritatedly questioned the teacher......

One day in class the teacher brought a bag. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who pro...

What's Dr.Dre's favourite vegetable?

Beets

Father's ashes!

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up...

What is something that's burried but you can still dance on it?

A beet

Why couldn't the radish finish the race?

He was just a little beet.

Why did the farmer have to supplement his income by DJing at night?

because his Beets were sick

I had a vegetarian girlfriend who was into BDSM.

She did not carrot all if I beet her.

What is someone doing when they are disposing of diseased radishes?

Dropping some ill beets.

The Toastmaster

Once upon a time in a small village there lived a toastmaster. One sunny day, two young villagers decided to get married and the whole village invited the toastmaster to the wedding. The toastmaster gave a flamboyant speech and suddenly discovered he really needed to pass gas. The reception were to ...

My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition.

She didn't miss a beet.

Why did the vegetable band break up?

They couldn't keep the beet.

How do you introduce an exhausted red vegetable to a steak?

"Beat beet, meet meat."

Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off!

Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them

did you hear about the clumsy musician who tried gardening?

he dropped the beet

Why was the clumsy vegetable farmer a good dj?

Because he dropped the beet.

Why don't the Beastie Boys juggle vegetables anymore?

Because they kept making the beets... MMMMMM DROPPPPP

What do you get when you cross a vegetable with a pronoun?

Beets me.

Why did the veggie band sound horrible live?

Because they were missing a beet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timmy learns about construction

Little Timmy's sitting at home complaining to his mom that he's bored.
A new house is being built next door so she says, "Why don't you go next door and maybe you can learn something about construction. Just make sure to stay out of everyone's way." "OK." Timmy replies and heads next door. Hours...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Goes to the Circus

A man goes to the circus. It's his first time, and he's pretty nervous about it. During an intermission, one of the clowns approaches the microphone and says "We are giving a special prize to the person sitting in section A, Row 12, seat D."

It's the man! He stands up, very nervous, and the c...

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

What does Dwight Schrute have in common with Greece

A bunch of dead beets.

What was the vegan rock band's first hit?

Lettuce turnip the beet!

What do you get when you go to a rapper's vegetable farm?

Beets by Dre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To get in the deer hunting spirit

For the past 20 years ten of my closest friends have been spending deer season in the same camp in the UP (Upper Peninsula). This year one of the members got married; worse yet, his brother in law wanted to join the camp. The problem was the brother in law was a FIB (fucking Illinois bastard).
...

Sailor walks up to a Pirate in a bar...

...offers to buy the pirate a drink if he tells him the tales of his hook, pegleg, and eye patch.

The pirate agrees, but to one drink per tale.

Sailor buys him a drink, and says, well, why don't you start with the pegleg?

Pirate takes a long swig, leans forward and says "SHARK!"...

Why do clumsy farmers make awesome DJ's?

cause they're always dropping beets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fast running sister.

I was in a USAF training school- one of about 30 students. The instructor had a habit of picking on one of the students, a guy named Sparks because he was very quiet. We sat in groups of 4-5 people at tables. Sparks did not sit at my table. I could tell it bothered Sparks so I went to him one day an...

What did the DJ order from the deli?

A club sandwich with extra beets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Switched Inputs

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immedi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex Shop

The sales girl at the Sex Shop didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

"I don't think it's any of your business," answered the customer, beet red and slightly offended.

"Calm down, buddy," soothed the ...

Classic Music Joke for the ages

A chef was cooking some fresh beets on a REALLY dilapidated, old stove. The stove was hardly putting out any heat at all and he got so frustrated, he kicked the sorry appliance all the way
across the kitchen, shouting as he went.......... ROLL OVER BEET OVEN!!!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.