UPJOKE
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Beet Jokes

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.
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What's the difference between a radish and a beet?

I've never radished off to OP's mom.
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John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...
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What do you call an uncool beet?

A square root
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.
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Does eating a lot of beets make your semen pink?

I’m not sure if I should wait till my girlfriend and I have sex fo find out, or if I’ll just come clean

When you drop the beet...

...everybody's going to turnip
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Beet juice

Did Hitler beet juice?

There was a family of beet farmers

Their farm has been in the family for years and the father had all the intentions to keep it that way. His son, on the other hand, did not. This was a common argument between the two of them until, one day, the son had had enough.

So, in the middle of the night, he stole his dad’s Kia Soul an...
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What is Dwight Schrutes favourite Michael Jackson song?

Beet it.
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A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...
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One day, Hitler decided to have beet juice with his breakfast

However, he spilled some on his white shirt, which made him look like he was bleeding. Having just walked into the room, his bodyguard exclaimed, "Mein Gott! Are you hurt? I bet it was that bastard Strasser!"

Hitler calmly reassured him: "Nein, the juice did this"

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard...

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecogniz...
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Cruise ship drive by

I was on a cruise recently.

One morning, the ship was passing very close to a small island. As I was admiring the serenity of this far off place, a ruckus occurred.

On the island, a man came running out from the thickness of the brush. His hair was down to his waist and his beard...
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A mother takes her teenage daughter to her gynecologist appointment

The doctor performs a routine test and discovers the teen is pregnant. Her mother's face turns beet red. If smoke could escape her ears, it would fill the room.

The daughter pleads, "Mother, the doctor must be wrong, I've never even kissed a boy!!"

Upon hearing this, the doctor get up ...
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What does a musical farmer with no hands do?

Drops the beet.
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Why do good rappers make bad farmers?

Because they can only make sick beets
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Why did the chef taunt the musician?

The chef had a better beet.
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What do you call a policeman who patrols farmers fields?

A beet cop!
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Why did the farmer become a DJ?

Because he had sick beets.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

Yet again I bought a beetroot that punches avocados.

Back with another one of those guac clockin' beets.
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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?

He heard they had fresh beets.
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A struggling SoundCloud rapper decides to get a job as a farmer...

He now produces his own beets
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While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

What do vegans say before a fight

I’m gonna give you a beet down
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What is a vegetable’s favorite joke?

Beets me!
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Sailor walks up to a Pirate in a bar...

...offers to buy the pirate a drink if he tells him the tales of his hook, pegleg, and eye patch.

The pirate agrees, but to one drink per tale.

Sailor buys him a drink, and says, well, why don't you start with the pegleg?

Pirate takes a long swig, leans forward and says "SHARK!"...
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Dr. Dre was arrested at a grocery store today.

He dropped too many beets.
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These Farmers got arrested!

Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?

For stalking

Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?

He’s out on bail

Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?

He beet up his friend with a potato and didn’t carrot all.
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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Why didn't the vegetable pay its bills?

Because it was a dead beet.
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What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!





(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...
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If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

Or a beet down?
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I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!
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If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.

Beets the alternative.
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Why couldn't the radish finish the race?

He was just a little beet.
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Farmers hired a DJ for pest control

To drop some sick beets
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Did you hear about the vegetable that was acquitted of murder?

He beet the rap.
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If there were ever a war between forest predators and space travellers, I’d pick the forest predators.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
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Credit: jayC137

Clumsy vegetarians make the best DJs. They’re always dropping beets.
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What did the vegetarian do at the club

Dropped a beet
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What's Dr.Dre's favourite vegetable?

Beets
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What is something that's burried but you can still dance on it?

A beet
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Why did the DJ get fired from the supermarket?

He kept dropping the beets.
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Why did the vegetable band break up?

They couldn't keep the beet.
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If Dwight Schrute gave someone the sex talk

It would be the birds and the beets

Why did the farmer have to supplement his income by DJing at night?

because his Beets were sick
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How do you introduce an exhausted red vegetable to a steak?

"Beat beet, meet meat."
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My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition.

She didn't miss a beet.
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What do you get when you cross a vegetable with a pronoun?

Beets me.
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My girlfriend is very strange...

When we go to bed, she starts placing slices of beetroot circling her muff.

Every time I ask her about it she goes off on one about how great salads are...

"Jeez", I thought, "why does she always have to beet around the bush".
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did you hear about the clumsy musician who tried gardening?

he dropped the beet
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I had a vegetarian girlfriend who was into BDSM.

She did not carrot all if I beet her.
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Why was the clumsy vegetable farmer a good dj?

Because he dropped the beet.
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A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.

A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, ...
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Why don't the Beastie Boys juggle vegetables anymore?

Because they kept making the beets... MMMMMM DROPPPPP
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What was the vegan rock band's first hit?

Lettuce turnip the beet!
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What does Dwight Schrute have in common with Greece

A bunch of dead beets.
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dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets
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What is someone doing when they are disposing of diseased radishes?

Dropping some ill beets.
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A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the barten...
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Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off!

Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them
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What do you get when you go to a rapper's vegetable farm?

Beets by Dre
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