Why does mexico never win the olympics?

Because everybody there who can run, jump or swim is already in the US

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

What do you call an insane crocodile in Mexico?

Locodrilo

What do Mexico and Canada have in common?

They both border on stupidity.

A Serbian politician visits Mexico

There he meets their president and gets invited to a diner at the president's house... There he sees a magnificient villa and he asks how did you build it... Mexican president points at the bridge few kilometres away and says 'Do you see that bridge'... Serbian politician says 'Yes', and the Mexican...

Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.

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If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I'm going to Mexico

but not by choice though

What's the difference between a product made in Mexico and a product made in America?

One is made by a Mexican, while the other is made by a Mexican immigrant.

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

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I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"

He started counting... "uno....dos..."

And sure as shit he disap...

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

I just bought an Adidas Christmas sweater from Mexico.

Fleece Adidas.

A man dies at the Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah border.

He had to have four coroners.

TIL that former Mexican president Vicente Fox has American heritage. The last name does give it away but the story of his grandfather’s journey from Cincinnati to Mexico is still fascinating.

He comes from a long line of people who would escape as far away from Ohio as humanly possible.

What do you call a small, Muslim house of worship located in Mexico?

A mosquito.

A gynecologist goes in to see a new patient.

Upon entering, he notices that the new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he decides to break the ice with some small talk.

"Do you know how they make latex gloves?", he asks.

"No", she responds.

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex tha...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

My dad loves to boast about he can get Mexico on his ham radio set up.

That's nothing I'd say, I can open my window and get Chili.

COVID Vaccine Efficacy

Researchers from the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara in Mexico discovered that a single dose of the corona virus vaccine was capable of alleviating life-threatening and reducing transmission rates by 87%.

An audio excerpt from the conversations of the two researchers, C. Guillermo and H. ...

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

A woman is talking on her phone while waiting in line at the bank.

After she gets off the call, the man behind her taps her on the shoulder and says, "I didn't want to interrupt your call, but next time you need to speak in English"

"Excuse me?" the woman replied.

"This is America," the man said, "We speak English in America. If you wanna speak Spanis...

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

Can you guys settle this debate? My buddy thinks McDonalds has the best coke.

I think Mexico has the best coke.

The presidents of USA, Canada and Mexico got together...

...to discuss on who has the most loyal citizens.

The Canadian president says he has the most loyal citizens. He says to a random Canadian to jump off a roof. He doesnt want to.

The Mexican president says he has the most loyal citizens. He says to a random Mexican to jump off a roof. H...

After yesterday’s events

Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.

Two Melons ran away to Mexico to get Married

The first asked the second, "Honey, do you really think we should do this?"

The second replied, "You're right, we can't elope."

Mike is on a job tour to Mexico. Once landed, he go through the immigration department.

“ Hello Mike”
“ Hello Ja-vier”
“ It’s Ha-vier. Mexican pronounce J as H. So how long will you be staying in Mexico “
“ Oh I see, I’ll be staying from Ha-nuary till H-une “

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Donald Trump decides to visit Mexico to see the progress of his border wall.

While out in the middle of the hot sun he notices a pond of water by a farm. Thirsty, after having drunk all the water he brought with him, he decided to kneel down and take a drink.

An older Mexican man approaches him and says “No bebas el agua, las vacas se han cagado en ella.” (Translated...

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis


Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!


The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,


I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!


9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!


...

What's the most popular arcade game in Mexico?

Guac - a - mole

The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork...

I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.

"Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."

A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn't know why the U.S. deported him there.

Can you imagine Hispanic?

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York...

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiti...

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Since we're doing translations, here's one from Mexico:

On the first day back from summer vacation, the teacher asked the students what they did over the summer and if they got any nicknames.


Juan goes first: "I spent my summer working with my dad laying bricks!"
Teacher: "did you have a nickname?
Juan: "Yes, the brick mason's son"
...

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A man walks into a Mexican-owned bookshop

He asks the owner, "Do you have any books on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The owner replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

Trump doesn’t know geography...

Instead of building a wall on the Mexico border, he built one in Washington DC

I'm still undecided for the upcoming election...

But I've narrowed my choices down to Mexico or Canada based on moving costs.

After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going t...

You think you can go down to Mexico and do whatever you want? Well I have news for you buddy, Mexico has laws!

That no one follows so go ahead and do your thing.

The president of Mexico just called Trump on the phone...

Yesterday the president of Mexico called Trump on the phone. They want the walll built, right now. They are even willing to pay for it, with toilet paper.

My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico”

Me: “Hey babe what do you wanna eat?”

Her: “Nothing”

Me: *flies to Africa*

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

6 Men kidnap a blonde

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do...

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A historian goes to Mexico to do research on Pancho Villa.

After a few weeks of going from village to village, getting 3rd and 4th hand stories, he meets a man who tells him, "Go talk to the old man at the end of the road. He knew Pancho Villa."

So the historian goes to meet the old man, who is well over 100 years old. He asks the old man, "I underst...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

"The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more p...

Update- Mexico has 2000 plus cases of Corona

At the Corona beer factory warehouse

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

Two guys go bungee jumping on a bridge in Mexico

The first guy gets his gear all on and steps up to jump, he jumps down and comes back up, and his face is bloody?...
So down and up again and his face is even more bloody...
down and up again and his face is swollen, bloody and bruised so his friend grabs him and say “are you okay what happe...

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Pedro and Juanita

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.



One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."



Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."...

What’s green, comes from Mexico and goes underground?

A guaca mole

What do you call the Beatles' drummer when in Mexico?

Gringo Starr

TIL the sinking of the Titanic is commemorated in Mexico.

Otherwise known as Sink-o de Mayo.

Who is Mexico's richest man?

Jeff Pesos

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Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

A woman and her husband are having trouble with kids

A woman and her husband, both from Mexico, decided to have a family, seeing as their homeland is dangerous, they move to the united states.

They try to have a baby for many years but to no avail.

The husband feels something is wrong and wishes for her to go to a doctor but they have p...

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A man goes on vacation to Mexico with his family

When they get to the town they are staying in, the family wanted to explore and go thier own way. The man's wife agreed and told everyone to meet in the middle of the town at exactly 1pm so they could have lunch together.


The man wanders off and goes to the bar. After a couple of drinks, ...

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A Canadian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Co...

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Why can’t they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Mexico?

They had to give the donkey a break at some point

Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;

then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

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Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

Want to know Mexico's favourite sport ?

Cross Country

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

I tried to practice archery in Mexico.

But I didn't habanero.

Lets ban all shredded cheese from Mexico

Make America grate again.

After a soundcheck there’s always a guy in a tree in Mexico.

Juan, to tree! Juan, to tree!

My sister wanted to lose weight so she ran 3-5 km a day for 2 months.

She's now in Mexico

What is the new party drug in Mexico called?

Guacamolly.

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I’m on a date with a cute guy and we start talking about tattoos.

He asks me if I have any tattoos and I say “yeah, some stars on my right hip.” I ask him if he has any and he says “yeah, one on my dick and it says Shorty.” My face falls as I realize what this means just when we are really starting to hit things off. But then he says “when my dick gets hard it say...

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My uncle told me this joke after coming from a trip from Mexico.

A man went on vacation to Mexico. He went to a restaurant and while eating saw a plate with two huge meat balls on it, he called over the waitress and asked "what is that dish you just served." And the waitress said "that is bull testicles, everyday we have 1 bull fight, if you want to eat it you ha...

I visited my girlfriends family in Mexico during the summer.

They all laughed at me for wearing a sweater to dinner.

But, my girlfriend told me it would be chili

If Mexico is paying for the wall and China paying for the tariffs

Can somebody pay for my bills?

They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border

Since no one can get over her...

What did Pikachu said when he tried food in Mexico?

Pica, Pica.

What do you get when you cross Mexico with an anti-racism book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

Since Mexico won’t pay for the wall

Americans will have to Putin their own money

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

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At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

A huge earthquake shook Mexico

Around 3000 people died.

The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.

England gave medicine.

France sent food.

Germany made huge donations.

USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

What do you call Amoxicillin made in Mexico?

Amoxicillin, you racist

The wall with Mexico won't work because it doesn't extend into the ocean.

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

in mexico, we don't say "I love you"

cause we dont speak english.

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

What is the most important sport in Mexico?

Cross-country

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist in Mexico goes into a bar to get wasted

It’s his last week on vacation and one of the things on his bucket list to do is basically to drink until he is completely wasted. As the night prolongs, he notices little by little the bar begins to empty. The bartender in his best English that he can muster says to him, “Señor, I think you should ...

Why didn't Mexico win any medals at the Olympics?

Their best runners and swimmers are in America

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A Brazilian and a Venezuelan gets into a fight

They cant agree on which country has the best ass cheeks. To settle the debate in a fair non partisan manner they decide to consult the most advance AI of the Time.



The AI prompts them to word their question very carefully because it always outputs exactly what it is asked from it. <...

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated f...

A man in New Mexico asked a farmer if he had any local chili peppers for sale.

Unfortunately, the farmer said he had 99 poblanos but a Hatch ain't one.

What happens when you snort 12 lines of cocaine in Mexico?

You over Doce

If Game of Thrones teaches us anything it is that Mexico should build the wall.

Whingers are coming.

I was hanging out with my friend from Mexico the other day and he asked me how runny I like my cottage cheese.

I told him "No whey, Jose"

When I was visiting Mexico, I found it strange that they would keep cheese in their first aid kits.

Turns out it was just there in queso emergency.

If Trump wins, I think I may know what will happen to New Mexico

[Removed]

I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

It was really hard spending Christmas with my estranged family in Mexico.

I don’t think anyone cared I was there. The whole time they kept looking for this lady, Phyllis, and her Navy Dad.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

And they just loved it. They couldn't make mayonnaise quick enough.

Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.

Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise we...

A friend from Mexico recently moved up to Wisconsin with me

Naturally, one of the first places we went was a cheese shop. He was being all tentative, only considering purchasing a small block of cheddar. He’s never going to fit like that.


I said to him, “Jesus, take the wheel.”

An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico.

It was an assassination attempt.

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

What do you call the top wealthiest people in Mexico?

The Juan percent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been thinking about opening an archery center somewhere in Mexico...

I figured I’d call it ‘Elbow’



...please pray for my girlfriend. My brain comes up with this shit all the time and normally she is my audience. I figured I’d try re-routing things here to save her sanity.

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