UPJOKE
guatemalamexico citytexasspainspanish languagebrazilunited statespacific oceangulf of mexiconorth americamexicanbelizecaliforniamonterreycountry

What do Mexico and Canada have in common?

They both border on stupidity.

Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.

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A guy was on vacation in Mexico and he went to see the bullfights.

When it was over he went to a nearby restaurant. The waiter recited the menu and then said, "Since today there was a bullfight, we also have fresh testicles on the menu if you'd like to try them."

The guy was always up for something new so he ordered them. They arrived and they were absolutel...

Did you hear Mexico built a train that's powered by lettuce?

It goes, Lechuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is in the US

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

Did you hear about the train engineer from Mexico that was arrested for terrorism?

Authorities say he had loco motives.

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

It's only Tabasco if it comes from that region of Mexico

Otherwise it's sparkling tomato juice.

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

What do you call an election ballot in mexico?







pick-o-de-guy-o

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

Thomas the Tank Engine's friend Fernando, who does the Mexico route was caught on dash cam video accelerating instead of braking for a stuck church van full of disabled children while yelling obscenities and screaming USA USA

When asked about his reasons for such carnage he said he's just loco and those are loco motives.

(Made it up with my son)

What do you say to a man from Mexico that had a successful hip replacement?

Hip Hip Jorge!

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the sq...

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

Somewhere right now, maybe Mexico or Bavaria, there is a tuba player telling his girlfriend..

\- "No, Baby, don't say 'Daddy,' it's 'Oom Pa-Pa'"

How do you know if a relay is from Mexico?

It will have an on delay.

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

I sent an email to my friend in Mexico...

He never got it, guess I sent it to the wrong Juan.

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

What's the difference between a product made in Mexico and a product made in America?

One is made by a Mexican, while the other is made by a Mexican immigrant.

At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time.

"If we report this, we won't be home in four hours," says one.

"You know what?" says the other, "we'll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!" No sooner said than done.

A short time later, two Mexican border guards come by. One of them says in amazement, "Now he's hang...

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

What do they call Pepsi in Mexico?

Pepyes

What did the teenager say when his friend told him that mexico had liquid cheese used for dipping?

"Kay, so?"

If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico.

Not by choice though.

Mayonnaise

In 1912, the Titanic sank and everyone still talks about it to this day.

But only weeks after the incident, another ship fell victim to the harsh ocean. This was a large cargo ship that contains various products that were supposed to be delivered to Mexico, among them were sugar, coffee beans...

Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?

Because everyone there, who knows how to run, jump or swim is already in the US.

((Sorry my Mexican friends))

What do you call a small, Muslim house of worship located in Mexico?

A mosquito.

What do you call an insane crocodile in Mexico?

Locodrilo

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

Two Melons ran away to Mexico to get Married

The first asked the second, "Honey, do you really think we should do this?"

The second replied, "You're right, we can't elope."

A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn't know why the U.S. deported him there.

Can you imagine Hispanic?

A Serbian politician visits Mexico

There he meets their president and gets invited to a diner at the president's house... There he sees a magnificient villa and he asks how did you build it... Mexican president points at the bridge few kilometres away and says 'Do you see that bridge'... Serbian politician says 'Yes', and the Mexican...

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

I just bought an Adidas Christmas sweater from Mexico.

Fleece Adidas.

After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going t...

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose...

Which means the drugs came from Mexico. Otherwise, he would've over-two'd.

A man dies at the Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah border.

He had to have four coroners.

Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun...

It was founded by his Great-grandfather in the 1800s. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.

After his death, he lef...

They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border

Since no one can get over her...

My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico”

Me: “Hey babe what do you wanna eat?”

Her: “Nothing”

Me: *flies to Africa*

The president of Mexico just called Trump on the phone...

Yesterday the president of Mexico called Trump on the phone. They want the walll built, right now. They are even willing to pay for it, with toilet paper.

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A Canadian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Co...

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Donald Trump decides to visit Mexico to see the progress of his border wall.

While out in the middle of the hot sun he notices a pond of water by a farm. Thirsty, after having drunk all the water he brought with him, he decided to kneel down and take a drink.

An older Mexican man approaches him and says “No bebas el agua, las vacas se han cagado en ella.” (Translated...

My dad loves to boast about he can get Mexico on his ham radio set up.

That's nothing I'd say, I can open my window and get Chili.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York...

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiti...

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Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork...

I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.

"Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."

What's the most popular arcade game in Mexico?

Guac - a - mole

in mexico, we don't say "I love you"

cause we dont speak english.

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Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

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Too big for Pedro

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.

One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."

Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."

So he ca...

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The docto...

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Why can’t they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Mexico?

They had to give the donkey a break at some point

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My uncle told me this joke after coming from a trip from Mexico.

A man went on vacation to Mexico. He went to a restaurant and while eating saw a plate with two huge meat balls on it, he called over the waitress and asked "what is that dish you just served." And the waitress said "that is bull testicles, everyday we have 1 bull fight, if you want to eat it you ha...

Two guys go bungee jumping on a bridge in Mexico

The first guy gets his gear all on and steps up to jump, he jumps down and comes back up, and his face is bloody?...
So down and up again and his face is even more bloody...
down and up again and his face is swollen, bloody and bruised so his friend grabs him and say “are you okay what happe...

You think you can go down to Mexico and do whatever you want? Well I have news for you buddy, Mexico has laws!

That no one follows so go ahead and do your thing.

Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;

then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...

What is Mexico's national sport?

Cross Country

Bill Cosby walks out of prison...

..and gets on a bus, and rides it to a long rock wall. Next to a big oak, he finds a letter.

He follows it to Mexico, where he finds Jeffrey Epstein working on his boat.

What’s green, comes from Mexico and goes underground?

A guaca mole

A Favor to ask

A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course, what may I do for you?" the priest replied. "Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is the...

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A historian goes to Mexico to do research on Pancho Villa.

After a few weeks of going from village to village, getting 3rd and 4th hand stories, he meets a man who tells him, "Go talk to the old man at the end of the road. He knew Pancho Villa."

So the historian goes to meet the old man, who is well over 100 years old. He asks the old man, "I underst...

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

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If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

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Since we're doing translations, here's one from Mexico:

On the first day back from summer vacation, the teacher asked the students what they did over the summer and if they got any nicknames.


Juan goes first: "I spent my summer working with my dad laying bricks!"
Teacher: "did you have a nickname?
Juan: "Yes, the brick mason's son"
...

Who is Mexico's richest man?

Jeff Pesos

After a soundcheck there’s always a guy in a tree in Mexico.

Juan, to tree! Juan, to tree!

Since Mexico won’t pay for the wall

Americans will have to Putin their own money

The wall with Mexico won't work because it doesn't extend into the ocean.

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

If Trump wins, I think I may know what will happen to New Mexico

[Removed]

Lets ban all shredded cheese from Mexico

Make America grate again.

Update- Mexico has 2000 plus cases of Corona

At the Corona beer factory warehouse

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated f...

I tried to practice archery in Mexico.

But I didn't habanero.

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At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

I visited my girlfriends family in Mexico during the summer.

They all laughed at me for wearing a sweater to dinner.

But, my girlfriend told me it would be chili

TIL the sinking of the Titanic is commemorated in Mexico.

Otherwise known as Sink-o de Mayo.

What do you call the Beatles' drummer when in Mexico?

Gringo Starr

What do you call the top wealthiest people in Mexico?

The Juan percent.

They say fizzy drinks will soon disappear from the shelves in UK supermarkets thanks to Brexit.

The UK Government should do a trade deal with Mexico, I hear they're really good at getting coke across the border.

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

A huge earthquake shook Mexico

Around 3000 people died.

The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.

England gave medicine.

France sent food.

Germany made huge donations.

USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock

Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump

The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out!

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

A friend from Mexico recently moved up to Wisconsin with me

Naturally, one of the first places we went was a cheese shop. He was being all tentative, only considering purchasing a small block of cheddar. He’s never going to fit like that.


I said to him, “Jesus, take the wheel.”

If Mexico is paying for the wall and China paying for the tariffs

Can somebody pay for my bills?

What do you call Amoxicillin made in Mexico?

Amoxicillin, you racist

Identical Twins

A teenage girl gave birth to identical twin boys. As she realized she was not ready to take care of young children, let alone 2 boys, she made the difficult decision to give them up for adoption.

The boys were adopted immediately. One of them was adopted by a lovely Egyptian family who decide...

Why did I quit my job in Mexico?

It didn't peso well.

What is the new party drug in Mexico called?

Guacamolly.

What happens when you snort 12 lines of cocaine in Mexico?

You over Doce

2 cars had a head-on collision in Mexico today..

34 people died.

What did Pikachu said when he tried food in Mexico?

Pica, Pica.

When I was visiting Mexico, I found it strange that they would keep cheese in their first aid kits.

Turns out it was just there in queso emergency.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been thinking about opening an archery center somewhere in Mexico...

I figured I’d call it ‘Elbow’



...please pray for my girlfriend. My brain comes up with this shit all the time and normally she is my audience. I figured I’d try re-routing things here to save her sanity.

What is the most important sport in Mexico?

Cross-country

A French friend of mine drowned while swimming in a borrowed bathing costume in Mexico during a public holiday...

...she didn't realize it was the *sinky de maillot*.

Leon Trotsky asks a travel agent if they have any hotel rooms in Mexico.

The travel agent responded by saying that Mexico would be a very ice pick.

A man in New Mexico asked a farmer if he had any local chili peppers for sale.

Unfortunately, the farmer said he had 99 poblanos but a Hatch ain't one.

Why can't Donald Trump and Melania have a romantic getaway in Mexico?

He always wants to take the kids.

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

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