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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

What do you call a shoe that is made from bananas?

A slipper

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

Yes, we have no bananas

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas"

Guy1: I love this song

Guy2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart

Guy1: Of course it's not. They didn't make swing music in Mozart's time

Guy2: Yes they did!

Guy1: You're st...

Did you guys hear about the banana that acted as a getaway driver?

He peeled out and split.

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

What kind of key opens a banana?

A Monkey.

What do you get when a guy puts his D in the middle of a banana?

A bandana

What do they call a banana hammock on the beaches of Massachusetts?

A Cape Cod Piece

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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How do you know if a banana is gay?

It's brown

Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

I am going bananas

That is what i say to my bananas every time i leave the house.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

What are you shaking for she's gonna eat me.

Bananas ...

George, a farmer out of Iowa, decides to visit the Big Apple.

Taken in by all the wonders of a big city, in his wandering comes across a dude holding bananas to his ears.

He stops him and ask: "Sir, why are you holding bananas to your ears?"

The dude replies: "To keep the allig...

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A banana goes to her psychologist appointment.

She lies down on the chair, and starts describing her week.

"Oh, doctor, my life is in shambles. My ex-wife got custody of our youngest child, and the older one didn't invite me to his wedding. My boss constantly sexually harasses me and I can't say anything because I'll be fired if I do! The...

Traffic lights and bananas are opposites.

A green light is go, yellow slow, and red stop. A green banana is wait, yellow go, and if it’s red, I’m not sure if you should touch it.

What do a brat and an expired banana have in common?

They're both spoiled rotten

I was walking through the jungle when I noticed a monkey holding a can opener

"You can't open a banana with a can opener"
I said
"I know" he replied,
"this is for the custard"

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn’t peeling well.

There's this guy who wants to become a train conducter

He goes to school and eventually manages to land a really good job testing an experimental train.

So he gets into work for his first day and gets on the train. They get going and everything's running smoothly until he crashes the train, killing one person.

He goes to court and is sente...

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

I wanna banana from earth.

It's Christmas time, and a little boy is sitting on the mall Santa's lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks with a smile.

"I wanna banana from Earth." He says, looking a little annoyed.

Santa, somewhat confused, asks the boy. "From earth?"

"Yes" The boy ret...

A little girl said: "I know how to spell 'banana'..."

"... I just don't know when to stop."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

Did you hear about the guy who stole all the bananas from the market?

Nevermind, the story wouldn't appeel to you.

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Bananas are the Japanese of the fruit world.

All yellow, and all slightly radioactive.

A banana was insulting lemon saying it has a miserable life because it gets cut, squeezed and then tossed away.

Lemon was furious and said it’d die by a sword with dignity than to face a humiliation of being stripped naked.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a banana?

|elephant| |banana| sin(θ)

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I was married to a banana farmer

The sex was apeeling, but eventually we had to split.

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

What do apples, bananas and babies have in common?

They all start going bad once exposed to air.

I went to the shops to buy some apples, oranges and bananas... I came back empty handed.

It was a fruitless endeavour.

Banana

A guy is walking around with a banana in his ear. Another guy, seeing this, approaches and says, "Hey man, you've got a banana in your ear."
The banana guy looks at him and says, "What?"
The other guy says, "You've got a banana in your ear."
The banana guy says, "What?"
The other guy, fe...

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Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

What shoes do they make out of banana skins?

Slippers.

A man is selling bananas at the market

One woman comes up to his stall and says 'I want bananas that are short and thick'. The seller gives her bananas she asks for.

Another woman comes up and says 'I want bananas that are long and slim'. He gives her what she wants.

Then a man comes up to the stall. The vendor asks him 'Wh...

One man to another: "Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"

The other says: "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!"

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A man goes to a doctor because he has a tapeworm

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

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Two bananas

Two bananas are sitting on a river bank and a turd goes floating by, he says "hey bananas, c'mon in the waters great!" The first banana turns to the second banana and says
"You believe that shit?"

Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

Because she threw out all the bent ones.

What do you call a pair of banana peels?

Slippers!

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn’t peeling well..


Side note: I was dressed as a banana for halloween and a 6 year old princess told me this joke.

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

How long does it take for you to hit the ground after slipping on a banana peel?

One banano-second.

Flies.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said: "That...

Bananas can stop diarhea very effectively

Just don't pull them out

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

Why does Trump go bananas on the media?

Because they are trying to orange his impeachment.

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How the hell did I get banned for just a picture of a banana?

...maybe I shouldn’t have included a penis for scale...

Did you hear about the guy who slipped on a banana and sued?

He won the trial, but he got overturned on a peel.

Doctor says banana is good for preventing constipation. It didn't work for me

...until I found out that he meant I should eat the banana.

Would you like to try our new Banana Split dessert?

It has a lot of a-peel.

(I tell this one at work all the time 😝)

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer used a crowbar to beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Why did Mrs. Banana marry Mr. Banana?

She found him appealing.

(Courtesy of a two year old preschooler) why did the banana go to the doctor?...

Because he didn’t peel right!

Did you hear about the stripper bananas?

I found them appealing

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

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[NSFW] A priest and an old blind woman who plays the church organ, are preparing for the weekly sermon.

Every week, the organ player eats a banana to keep her energy up before the crowds arrive, but she always seems to have terrible trouble peeling it.

The priest sees an opportunity and decides to swap the banana for his penis. The organ player grabs his tackle and starts fondling it.

...

If a monkey has 30 bananas in one hand and 40 in the other, what does he have?

Very large hands

Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all.

I found it quite unappeeling.

My wife just told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I believe her, bananas are much easier to peel.

What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.

But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

(courtesy of my 12 yr old)

*EDIT: Ok, so apparently, this is courtesy of my favorite com...

People in the U.S. eat more bananas than monkeys.

In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas,
and only ate 6 monkeys.

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Why did the man rip the skin off a banana then wrap it around his dick and use it as a pocket pussy?

Because it had sex-a-peel

Courtesy of my son's joke book. What's invisible and smells of bananas?

Monkey farts...

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

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