This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn’t peeling well.

What do they call bananas from India?

Indianas. :)

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat *me*!

There's this guy who wants to become a train conducter

He goes to school and eventually manages to land a really good job testing an experimental train.

So he gets into work for his first day and gets on the train. They get going and everything's running smoothly until he crashes the train, killing one person.

He goes to court and is sente...

I wanna banana from earth.

It's Christmas time, and a little boy is sitting on the mall Santa's lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks with a smile.

"I wanna banana from Earth." He says, looking a little annoyed.

Santa, somewhat confused, asks the boy. "From earth?"

"Yes" The boy ret...

I am going bananas

That is what i say to my bananas every time i leave the house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

Did you hear about the guy who stole all the bananas from the market?

Nevermind, the story wouldn't appeel to you.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a banana?

|elephant| |banana| sin(θ)

One man to another: "Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"

The other says: "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was married to a banana farmer

The sex was apeeling, but eventually we had to split.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bananas are the Japanese of the fruit world.

All yellow, and all slightly radioactive.

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

I told my girlfriend that she looks like a monkey

And she went bananas

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two bananas

Two bananas are sitting on a river bank and a turd goes floating by, he says "hey bananas, c'mon in the waters great!" The first banana turns to the second banana and says
"You believe that shit?"

What type of key opens a banana?

A monkey.




Please help me

I went to the shops to buy some apples, oranges and bananas... I came back empty handed.

It was a fruitless endeavour.

What do apples, bananas and babies have in common?

They all start going bad once exposed to air.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a doctor because he has a tapeworm

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

A man is selling bananas at the market

One woman comes up to his stall and says 'I want bananas that are short and thick'. The seller gives her bananas she asks for.

Another woman comes up and says 'I want bananas that are long and slim'. He gives her what she wants.

Then a man comes up to the stall. The vendor asks him 'Wh...

What do you call a pair of banana peels?

Slippers!

Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

Because she threw out all the bent ones.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

What shoes do they make out of banana skins?

Slippers.

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

Banana

A guy is walking around with a banana in his ear. Another guy, seeing this, approaches and says, "Hey man, you've got a banana in your ear."
The banana guy looks at him and says, "What?"
The other guy says, "You've got a banana in your ear."
The banana guy says, "What?"
The other guy, fe...

Why does Trump go bananas on the media?

Because they are trying to orange his impeachment.

Flies.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

How long does it take for you to hit the ground after slipping on a banana peel?

One banano-second.

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

Bananas can stop diarhea very effectively

Just don't pull them out

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said: "That...

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn’t peeling well..


Side note: I was dressed as a banana for halloween and a 6 year old princess told me this joke.

Did you hear about the stripper bananas?

I found them appealing

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

Did you hear about the guy who slipped on a banana and sued?

He won the trial, but he got overturned on a peel.

Would you like to try our new Banana Split dessert?

It has a lot of a-peel.

(I tell this one at work all the time 😝)

Why did Mrs. Banana marry Mr. Banana?

She found him appealing.

(Courtesy of a two year old preschooler) why did the banana go to the doctor?...

Because he didn’t peel right!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How the hell did I get banned for just a picture of a banana?

...maybe I shouldn’t have included a penis for scale...

Doctor says banana is good for preventing constipation. It didn't work for me

...until I found out that he meant I should eat the banana.

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer used a crowbar to beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

If a monkey has 30 bananas in one hand and 40 in the other, what does he have?

Very large hands

Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all.

I found it quite unappeeling.

What do you call a shoe made out of banana?

A slipper.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A priest and an old blind woman who plays the church organ, are preparing for the weekly sermon.

Every week, the organ player eats a banana to keep her energy up before the crowds arrive, but she always seems to have terrible trouble peeling it.

The priest sees an opportunity and decides to swap the banana for his penis. The organ player grabs his tackle and starts fondling it.

...

Courtesy of my son's joke book. What's invisible and smells of bananas?

Monkey farts...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the man rip the skin off a banana then wrap it around his dick and use it as a pocket pussy?

Because it had sex-a-peel

My wife just told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I believe her, bananas are much easier to peel.

What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.

But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

(courtesy of my 12 yr old)

*EDIT: Ok, so apparently, this is courtesy of my favorite com...

If an orange or banana gets a ticket...

They must dispute it in the court of apeels

Did you hear about the New Mexican woman who stuck a banana up her nose?

Yeah, you've got to admit it, Alba's quirky.

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made i...

What a fruit.

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Can we change the topic please?

"Wanna hear a really good joke about half-grown bananas?"

"Nevermind, now's not the ripe time!" 😉

I made this myself, instead of sleeping at night.

People in the U.S. eat more bananas than monkeys.

In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas,
and only ate 6 monkeys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blond woman goes to the hospital...

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

Did you hear about the banana that became a stripper?

She said the job really appealed to her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redditor is fitting his new kitchen and he stops for lunch.

His wife makes him a sandwich, and hands him some crisps and chocolate to eat, and a banana." he finishes his lunch and gets back to work.

A few hours later and he's finished. The wife walks in and checks out their new kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!" she shouts, as she opens the door, "What the ...

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

A girlfriend wants her boyfriend dead

But she doesn’t know how to commit a murder. She calls one of her best friends and tells her “I want him dead, but I’m to scared to do it. Could you help?”
Her best friend tells her “It’s alright, I got this and I’ll make it look like an accident.”

The next day the police are called beca...

Why do bananas have bruises?

Because their peelings got hurt