Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Why did the banana goto the doctor?

he wasn’t peeling very well

A monkey walks into a bar and ask the bartender for bananas...

“DO YOU HAVE BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey.
“No... we don’t...?” answer the bartender, confused.
“DO YOU BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey once again
“No. We don’t. I told you that”
“DOOO YOOOU HAVE BANANAAAS ?!?!?!” ask the monkey again.
Upset, the bartender answer “NO. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. BA...

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!!

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

What do you call a shoe that is made from bananas?

A slipper

A blind man was looking for bananas in a supermarket

...his efforts were fruit aisle (oc)

Everywhere on reddit I see people telling others to use a banana for scale.

But every time I step on a banana, it doesn't tell me how much I weigh. It just makes a mess. What am I doing wrong?

So why do bananas make bad cars?

Because they constantly peel out.

Monkey sees Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, Monkey calls out to Elephant, "Hey, Elephant, why are you climbing that tree?"

Elephant says, "I'm going to eat me a mango!"

Monkey responds, "But that isn't a mango tree!?!"

Elephant says, "Don't worry about it, I brought my own."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this lady arrives at the supermaket to pay. She has one egg, one banana, one yogurth, etc..

The cashiers tells her :

\- I bet you are single

\- Oh, how did you guess?

\- Well, you are fucking ugly

What's invisible, and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

Did you guys hear about the banana that acted as a getaway driver?

He peeled out and split.

Bananas are similar to a lot of old men

They can’t get hard

I am going bananas

That is what i say to my bananas every time i leave the house.

What do a brat and an expired banana have in common?

They're both spoiled rotten

What do they call a banana hammock on the beaches of Massachusetts?

A Cape Cod Piece

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

What kind of key opens a banana?

A Monkey.

What do you get when a guy puts his D in the middle of a banana?

A bandana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was about to write a joke about shoving a banana up my ass...

But it seemed too banal.

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

Yes, we have no bananas

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas"

Guy1: I love this song

Guy2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart

Guy1: Of course it's not. They didn't make swing music in Mozart's time

Guy2: Yes they did!

Guy1: You're st...

Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

Bananas ...

George, a farmer out of Iowa, decides to visit the Big Apple.

Taken in by all the wonders of a big city, in his wandering comes across a dude holding bananas to his ears.

He stops him and ask: "Sir, why are you holding bananas to your ears?"

The dude replies: "To keep the allig...

I wanna banana from earth.

It's Christmas time, and a little boy is sitting on the mall Santa's lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks with a smile.

"I wanna banana from Earth." He says, looking a little annoyed.

Santa, somewhat confused, asks the boy. "From earth?"

"Yes" The boy ret...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

From my 2yo sister

Knock knock


Who's there


Banana


Banana who?


Banana cross the road you chicken nerd

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

Traffic lights and bananas are opposites.

A green light is go, yellow slow, and red stop. A green banana is wait, yellow go, and if it’s red, I’m not sure if you should touch it.

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

Did you hear about the guy who stole all the bananas from the market?

Nevermind, the story wouldn't appeel to you.

One man to another: "Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"

The other says: "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!"

A little girl said: "I know how to spell 'banana'..."

"... I just don't know when to stop."

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

There was a man who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a banana?

|elephant| |banana| sin(θ)

Conductor

One day, a train conductor is walking down the aisle making sure everyone has a ticket. As he’s making his way down he sees the mayor, he asks the mayor for his ticket and the mayor says “dang I must’ve forgotten it in my car” and the conductor says “no ticket, no ride” and he throws the mayor out o...

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I was married to a banana farmer

The sex was apeeling, but eventually we had to split.

A woman walks into a grocery store

She grabs milk, a banana, toothpaste and a bottle of wine. When she goes to checkout, the cashier asks “Are you single?”

“Why yes, I am, how did you know that?” She exclaims

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly”

Who was the first carpenter?

Eve. When she made Adam's banana stand.

What do apples, bananas and babies have in common?

They all start going bad once exposed to air.

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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Two bananas

Two bananas are sitting on a river bank and a turd goes floating by, he says "hey bananas, c'mon in the waters great!" The first banana turns to the second banana and says
"You believe that shit?"

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