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A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”

Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!

A customer asked a grocer, "How much is a banana?"

Grocer: $1

Customer: Would you sell it for .60 cents?

Grocer: You could only get the skin for that price.

Customer: Here's .40 cents for the banana, keep the skin.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

"I am going bananas."

That's what I tell the bananas when I'm leaving the house.

Did you see the news about the person they found dead in a bathtub full of milk with banana slices in the milk?

They think it was a cereal killer.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn’t peeling well

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

If A is for Apples and B is for bananas then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana, who?

WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CARS EXTENDED WARRANTY.

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A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

What kind of key opens a banana

A mon-key

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Two bananas are sitting by a river

When a piece of poo comes floating by.

"You guys should come in the water it feels great" says the poo

One banana turns to the other and says

"Can you believe this shit?"

In a banana republic

the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown.

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

A Banana Walked into a Doctor's Office

He's sitting in the exam room when the doctor walks in, head buried in his notes, not really paying attention.

"I've got some bad news. You have stage 4 cancer, and it's very aggressive. We've caught it way too late. I'm afraid you only have two weeks left to live, Mr. Orange."

Looking...

What do you get when you cross a banana peel with a psychologist ?

A freudian slip.
(Stop groaning it's not so dad)

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Charles the Banana

Charles was a banana at the local Safeway, where he sat on the shelf with all the other bananas. Charles waited every day to be picked when, finally, a man picks up Charles in his bunch and buys him.

When Charles got home, the man put Charles on the counter. "Oh boy," he thought, "I'll final...

A German girl married a Spanish man

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to...

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper

TIL people eat way more bananas every year than monkeys

Because unlike monkeys, bananas are farmed

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

Banana

What did the banana say when he went to court



"I want a banan-appeal"

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Little Timmy was in the classroom...

...and the principal was observing. The teacher asked pupils to give examples of food.

So all the pupils raised their hands.

"Pears" - said Mary.

"Bananas" - said John.

"Oranges" - said Sara.

and it went on like this for a while. "Very well" - said the teacher, rea...

A Girl walks into a Supermarket...

...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.


The cashier looks at her, and the items she has and says,


"I can tell you're single."



She smiles and responds,



"How do you know that?"
<...

Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch

Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

What type of shoes do bananas wear?

Slippers

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

Are you a banana? John Green quotes

Google question: Are you a banana?


Critically acclaimed author John Green: Oh come on, these questions are just getting stupid. Like, do I have some kind of pale exterior that you can peel away and then-


...


Oh...


...


But do I thrive i...

A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys.

I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.

What do you say to a banana on guard duty?

Keep your eyes peeled.

Time flies like an arrow

but fruit flies like a banana

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

A woman didn't know how to speak Spanish but was married to a Spanish man and together, they resided in Spain.

Once she went to the market to buy some chicken legs. She lifted her skirt a little and pointed to her legs so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her.

Another time, she had to buy chicken breast so she pointed to her bosom so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her

Once s...

Why are Bananas so Popular?

Because they have a Peel for Everyone!

Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?

They have appeal

A banana and a vibrator are lying on a night stand

Says the banana: why are you shaking? First time, eh?

Why did the blonde get fired from the banana factory?

Because she threw out all the bent ones.

A study found that 97% of people prefer bananas with the skin on.

Without one, it just lacks appeal.

What's the difference between a banana and bananas?

One is just a banana and the other is crazy.


As told to me by my 10 year son.

What do bananas say when they see their grandmother?

Hey Nana.

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A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

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What do you call an overripe japanese banana?

Mushy Mushy

A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.

As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."

The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"

"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

What's it called when one banana eats another banana?

Canabananalism

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

What did the cop say to the banana as it was released from jail?

Don’t Slip Up Again

How do you eat a banana?

*Peel back the foreskin*

What do pirates and banana farmers have in common?

They're both scared of black spots.

How do you pronounce "banana split"?

Ban-ana

What is that stuff called that makes a banana turn brown?

\[Spoiler\]

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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If someone with a severe banana allergy eats a banana cream pie....

Will they go into bananaphylactic shock?

Seeing a guy eat a banana...

is not the same seeing a Chiquita banana!

The fist President of Zimbabwe was President Banana

It was illegal to joke about this in Zimbabwe. The foreign press would slip in as many puns as they could. But if they got caught they were locked up with no chance to a peel.

Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because it wasn't peeling well.



credit to my 5 y/o niece.

Ah.. chemistry!

My roommate bursts into our apartment, totally stressed out from her chemistry finals.

Her: If anyone even says one more word related to Chemistry, I'm going to scream!

Me: K

Her: (goes bananas…) ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Nike have unveiled a pair of trainers made from pineapple leather to appeal to Vegans...

They tried other fruits, but reviews said the ones made from bananas felt too much like slippers.

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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and sai...

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

Ad agencies love the Cosmic Banana

They all say its got universal appeal.

You should be a banana for Halloween

Then you know your costume as a-peel!

Three nuns are sitting on a bench talking about their vacations...

The first nun says, 'I just got back from Brazil, and they had the biggest bananas I've ever seen. They were this thick, and this long!', holding up her fingers to show the width and her hands to show the length.

The second nun says, 'Well I just got back from Florida, and they had the bigg...

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My girlfriend would always masturbate with fruit whenever she is upset!

One day when i decided to tell her I couldn't take it anymore.. she went Fucking Bananas!!

A monkey asks another monkey

- What are you doing?
- Eating a banana.
- But why is it brown?
- Because I'm eating it the second time.

Do you have a banana?

My six year old nephew just cracked this joke after the NFC game, we could not stop laughing. Alcohol might have played a role!

A monkey goes to a bar...

Monkey to bartender: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Monkey: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Mon...

What do you do with a blue banana?

Cheer it up.

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What does a fruit fetishist and a guy who slips on a sidewalk have in common?

"Fucking banana peels!!"

3 chemists walk into a bar after having shared a banana.

The first chemist said, "I'll have H2O".

The second chemist said "I'll have H2O, too".

The third chemist was confused, and said " I'll have HO, too".

The first one was OK, the second one died, and the third one was OK2.

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

Russian Conductor

(TL;DR at bottom, it's a long joke)

So a Russian train engineer is barreling down a track, and doesn't slow down for three people crossing, killing them instantly. He gets the electric chair as punishment. For what should be his last meal, he asks for a banana. He gets his request, and is ele...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass?

A bananosecond.

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My safe word is banana.

After sex I told my wife "orange you glad I didn't say banana!"

She left me, but it was worth it.

I am going bananas

That is what i say to my bananas every time i leave the house.

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She is so horny that when she goes to eat a banana...

.. she puts her hair in a ponytail.

What do you call a banana cut in half?

A banana split.

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