A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys.

I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

“What are you shaking for? They’re gonna eat me!”

What type of shoes do bananas wear?

Slippers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”

Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”

A German girl married a Spanish man

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to...

Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch

Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore...

What do you say to a banana on guard duty?

Keep your eyes peeled.

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

A banana and a vibrator are lying on a night stand

Says the banana: why are you shaking? First time, eh?

Why are Bananas so Popular?

Because they have a Peel for Everyone!

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What do bananas say when they see their grandmother?

Hey Nana.

What's the difference between a banana and bananas?

One is just a banana and the other is crazy.


As told to me by my 10 year son.

The ailing banana went to the doctor

He wasn’t peeling well.

Why did the blonde get fired from the banana factory?

Because she threw out all the bent ones.

Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?

They have appeal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and sai...

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

What's it called when one banana eats another banana?

Canabananalism

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an overripe japanese banana?

Mushy Mushy

What do pirates and banana farmers have in common?

They're both scared of black spots.

How do you pronounce "banana split"?

Ban-ana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

A study found that 97% of people prefer bananas with the skin on.

Without one, it just lacks appeal.

A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.

As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."

The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"

"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."

What did the cop say to the banana as it was released from jail?

Don’t Slip Up Again

Seeing a guy eat a banana...

is not the same seeing a Chiquita banana!

What do you call the sandals made of banana peels?

Slippers.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

## So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, b**ut ...

Apple, banana and pineapple once had a conversation

Pineapple : I'm so sad, humans pluck my hair before
eating me.
Apple : humans cut me into several pieces.
before they eat me.
Banana : atleast they don't eat you after stripping you
naked.

(Ignore the grammat...

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone with a severe banana allergy eats a banana cream pie....

Will they go into bananaphylactic shock?

How do you eat a banana?

*Peel back the foreskin*

You should be a banana for Halloween

Then you know your costume as a-peel!

Why was the pregnant apple so upset?

Because her boyfriend, the banana, split.

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

The fist President of Zimbabwe was President Banana

It was illegal to joke about this in Zimbabwe. The foreign press would slip in as many puns as they could. But if they got caught they were locked up with no chance to a peel.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”



The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the...

Why are bananas never lonely?

They hang around in bunches!

I'm starting to think the Whitehouse is a fruit stand.

An orange is being impeached because he's bananas!

first grade level joke

why did the banana put on sun screen?

answer: so it wouldn't peel!

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

Do you have a banana?

My six year old nephew just cracked this joke after the NFC game, we could not stop laughing. Alcohol might have played a role!

A monkey goes to a bar...

Monkey to bartender: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Monkey: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Mon...

3 chemists walk into a bar after having shared a banana.

The first chemist said, "I'll have H2O".

The second chemist said "I'll have H2O, too".

The third chemist was confused, and said " I'll have HO, too".

The first one was OK, the second one died, and the third one was OK2.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My safe word is banana.

After sex I told my wife "orange you glad I didn't say banana!"

She left me, but it was worth it.

What kind of key opens a banana?

A monkey!

Statistically humans eat more bananas than monkeys

Yeah, I don't see a lot of people eating monkeys around here

Did you know a banana is really good against diarrhea?

I don’t really like how you can feel it move though.

I asked my wife, “Did you know that there’s a fruit that would give you your entire potassium requirement for the day?”

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: I know, I couldn’t believe it either.

Time flies

Some people say time flies like an arrow

I tell them that fruit flies like a banana

Little John is walking at the mall with his grandma.

He sees a coin of 1 euro. He asks his grandma: can I pick that up?
His grandma answers: no, no, everything that’s on the ground is dirty.

They walk further and he sees a note of 5 euro. He asks his grandma: can I pick that up?
His grandma answers: no, no, everything that’s on the gro...

I am against invisible bananas.

I can’t see the appeal.

Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bananas are sitting in a river bank...

when a turd floats down the river and yells at the bananas, "Come on in! The water is just fine!"

One banana looks at the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?"

What do you call a banana cut in half?

A banana split.

What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass?

A bananosecond.

A guy calls his wife as he's leaving work, and asks if she needs anything. She tells him, "Stop by the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and if they have bananas pick up half a dozen."

When the guy gets home his wife flips out on him as he sets down six gallons of milk on the counter.

*What's all this milk about?!?!?* she yells.

His response --- "They had bananas."

A Man walks into a doctor's Office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She is so horny that when she goes to eat a banana...

.. she puts her hair in a ponytail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've finally watched The Tiger King. shit is bananas

The uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years. Then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky.

Weird.

>!And what's the deal with this monkey?!<

I am going bananas

That is what i say to my bananas every time i leave the house.

So I'm walking down the road I feel something hit me on the head.

So I look around I see it's a mango.

Next thing a tub of yoghurt comes out of nowhere and smacks me in the face and splashes yoghurt all over me. Then I get whacked in the neck with a banana and I take a paya-paya to the head and it knocks me out.

So I wake up and the police are the...

What did the banana say to the banana bully?

You hurt my peelings

Did you know that Germans eat more bananas than apes?

Last year it was about 20 kg bananas. But not one ape.

A monkey walks into a bar and ask the bartender for bananas...

“DO YOU HAVE BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey.
“No... we don’t...?” answer the bartender, confused.
“DO YOU BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey once again
“No. We don’t. I told you that”
“DOOO YOOOU HAVE BANANAAAS ?!?!?!” ask the monkey again.
Upset, the bartender answer “NO. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. BA...

Bananas are similar to a lot of old men

They can’t get hard

A blind man was looking for bananas in a supermarket

...his efforts were fruit aisle (oc)

What is the Super Mario's favourite snack?

Banana-nana-nana

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was about to write a joke about shoving a banana up my ass...

But it seemed too banal.

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