If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me!

What's the difference between a banana republic and USA?

The USA is a banana hegemony.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"



Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

The fist President of Zimbabwe was President Banana

It was illegal to joke about this in Zimbabwe. The foreign press would slip in as many puns as they could. But if they got caught they were locked up with no chance to a peel.

Did you know a banana is really good against diarrhea?

I don’t really like how you can feel it move though.

What do you call a banana cut in half?

A banana split.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bananas are sitting in a river bank...

when a turd floats down the river and yells at the bananas, "Come on in! The water is just fine!"

One banana looks at the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She is so horny that when she goes to eat a banana...

.. she puts her hair in a ponytail.

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My safe word is banana.

After sex I told my wife "orange you glad I didn't say banana!"

She left me, but it was worth it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've finally watched The Tiger King. shit is bananas

The uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years. Then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky.

Weird.

>!And what's the deal with this monkey?!<

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. –

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It didn’t peel well

What is it called when someone dressed as a banana eats a banana?

Cannabananalism.

Do you have a banana?

My six year old nephew just cracked this joke after the NFC game, we could not stop laughing. Alcohol might have played a role!

A monkey goes to a bar...

Monkey to bartender: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Monkey: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Mon...

I am against invisible bananas.

I can’t see the appeal.

What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass?

A bananosecond.

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

A guy calls his wife as he's leaving work, and asks if she needs anything. She tells him, "Stop by the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and if they have bananas pick up half a dozen."

When the guy gets home his wife flips out on him as he sets down six gallons of milk on the counter.

*What's all this milk about?!?!?* she yells.

His response --- "They had bananas."

What kind of shoes do bananas wear?

Slippers.

3 chemists walk into a bar after having shared a banana.

The first chemist said, "I'll have H2O".

The second chemist said "I'll have H2O, too".

The third chemist was confused, and said " I'll have HO, too".

The first one was OK, the second one died, and the third one was OK2.

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

What kind of key opens a banana?

A monkey!

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

Did you know that Germans eat more bananas than apes?

Last year it was about 20 kg bananas. But not one ape.

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

What did the banana say to the banana bully?

You hurt my peelings

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

What do you call a shoe that is made from bananas?

A slipper

A monkey walks into a bar and ask the bartender for bananas...

“DO YOU HAVE BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey.
“No... we don’t...?” answer the bartender, confused.
“DO YOU BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey once again
“No. We don’t. I told you that”
“DOOO YOOOU HAVE BANANAAAS ?!?!?!” ask the monkey again.
Upset, the bartender answer “NO. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. BA...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever my wife gets stressed, she likes to have sex with fruit. Ever since this pandemic started...

She's fucking bananas...

A blind man was looking for bananas in a supermarket

...his efforts were fruit aisle (oc)

Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

I am going bananas

That is what i say to my bananas every time i leave the house.

I've heard Bananas can help stop diarrhea..

But I just don't know whether to take off the peel before inserting it.

Everywhere on reddit I see people telling others to use a banana for scale.

But every time I step on a banana, it doesn't tell me how much I weigh. It just makes a mess. What am I doing wrong?

Bananas are similar to a lot of old men

They can’t get hard

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oops !

A woman was at the doctors clinic.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the doctor.
“Something is terribly wrong...I keep finding postage stamps from Ecuador in my vagina!”
The doctor has a look...
“They’re not postage stamps, they’re banana stickers.”

Did you guys hear about the banana that acted as a getaway driver?

He peeled out and split.

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A german, a french and an italian are walking down the street...

Suddenly a genie appears in front of them and says: “You lucky men, come with me!” and teleports them in front of 3 empty pools. He then says: “You have to jump from the diving board and say what you want your pool to be full of.”
The german jumps and says: “Beer!” and he falls into the pool with...

A man flying on a plane noticed that this one woman in the other aisle had a terrible-looking baby.

Ugly baby. I mean, a bad-looking baby. The woman caught him staring, and she says, “What are you looking at?” He said, “I’m looking at that ugly baby. That’s a hell of a kid you got there. Don’t worry, no one will steal THAT baby.”

The woman took this as an offence. She calls for the st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

Monkey sees Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, Monkey calls out to Elephant, "Hey, Elephant, why are you climbing that tree?"

Elephant says, "I'm going to eat me a mango!"

Monkey responds, "But that isn't a mango tree!?!"

Elephant says, "Don't worry about it, I brought my own."

I wanna banana from earth.

It's Christmas time, and a little boy is sitting on the mall Santa's lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks with a smile.

"I wanna banana from Earth." He says, looking a little annoyed.

Santa, somewhat confused, asks the boy. "From earth?"

"Yes" The boy ret...

What's invisible, and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

Why was Eve the first carpenter?

She made Adam's banana stand



^(Sorry)

To rhyme or not to rhyme

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can't rhyme at all,
Banana

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was about to write a joke about shoving a banana up my ass...

But it seemed too banal.

A girl realized that..

she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smile...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this lady arrives at the supermaket to pay. She has one egg, one banana, one yogurth, etc..

The cashiers tells her :

\- I bet you are single

\- Oh, how did you guess?

\- Well, you are fucking ugly

Did you hear about the guy who stole all the bananas from the market?

Nevermind, the story wouldn't appeel to you.

One man to another: "Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"

The other says: "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!"

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a banana?

|elephant| |banana| sin(θ)

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

Bananas ...

George, a farmer out of Iowa, decides to visit the Big Apple.

Taken in by all the wonders of a big city, in his wandering comes across a dude holding bananas to his ears.

He stops him and ask: "Sir, why are you holding bananas to your ears?"

The dude replies: "To keep the allig...

Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market.

Banana.

An old man walked into an ice cream parlor

and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool…

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

How can you easily spot an optimist?

An Older person buying green bananas.

Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

Hard to swallow

My friend says to me "I'm sick but I'm having a tough time keeping my medicine in me".
"Why don't you try taking it with food like soup or a banana?" I suggest.
A few days later I see him and he's looking a lot better.
"I tried taking my meds with a banana like you said and it worked!...

Single, huh?

A woman went to a grocery store and did some shopping. She gave her basket to the check-out clerk, who scanned the following:

1 toothbrush
2 small packages of noodles
1 banana
1 small turkey
1/2 gallon of milk

The clerk looked at the woman and said "single, huh?'
...

What do they call a banana hammock on the beaches of Massachusetts?

A Cape Cod Piece

Yes, we have no bananas

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas"

Guy1: I love this song

Guy2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart

Guy1: Of course it's not. They didn't make swing music in Mozart's time

Guy2: Yes they did!

Guy1: You're st...

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

So there was this man who wanted to be a train conductor (Long)

So he works really hard at it and one day his dream came true. He was driving his train one day when he got distracted and he crashed killing one passenger. In his country the punishment for this is the electric chair. So they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 1 banana....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

What do you get when a guy puts his D in the middle of a banana?

A bandana

A little girl said: "I know how to spell 'banana'..."

"... I just don't know when to stop."

What do apples, bananas and babies have in common?

They all start going bad once exposed to air.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stomach Pains

A man goes to the doctor with sever pain in his stomach. The doctor looks him over and delivers the prognosis.

"Sir. You are infected with a very large tapeworm. It's larger than I've ever seen and I fear traditional medicine will not help you get rid of it. I know how to get rid of it, but ...

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was married to a banana farmer

The sex was apeeling, but eventually we had to split.

My 7 year old sister keeps saying

Knock Knock. So I initially reply with:

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Banana orange!

*onslaught of laughter*

What does this mean?

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