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Banana Jokes

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Grocery bagger at the store earlier told me that they're not gonna make bananas any longer.

I replied, oh really? He responded, "Yeah, they're already long enough."

He got me good. I really enjoyed that today.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me.

A man walks in to a bar with a banana in his ear

Barman : Excuse me sir, but did you know that there is a banana in your ear?

Man : What was that?

Barman : There's a banana in your ear!

Man 2 : What?

Barman : YOU HAVE A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!

Man : WHAT?

Barman : THERE IS A *BANANA* IN YOUR *EAR*!!!

Ma...

Why did the banana split?

Because it saw the ice cream!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex Ed teacher walks into class with a condom and a banana

He addresses the class and says "today i will show you how to use a condom and i have this banana because i can't get hard on an empty stomach"

Banana

A shopkeeper puts up a sign advertising a deal on bananas: one banana for $3 or three bananas for $10.

A man takes a look at the sign and notices that the bundle is a bad deal, so he decides to order one banana, then another banana, then one more, saving $1. Feeling smug, he asks the shopkeep...

A lion notices a monkey by a river, dipping a banana peel into the water

He watches her for a few minutes, as she dips the peel, keeps it under water, and then takes it out, watches the water a bit, repeats. Finally, the lion gives up trying to make sense of the sequence.

"Hey, monkey"

"Hey, lion"

"What in the world are you doing?"

"Ten bucks ...

What sort of key do you use to open a banana?

A mon-key

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing out the bent ones.

If A is for Apples, and B is for Banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

What is the difference between a banana and a plantain?

I don’t have a plantain in my ass

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Between her legs

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She became worried and asked her mom, “What is this?”

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair is grown is called Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”

At dinner she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair...

A vibrator and a banana are lying on the table.

The banana asks the vibrator: "Hey, sonny, why are you trembling so much for? Is this your first time?"

Did you hear about the banana on trial?

He won his case on a-peal

Did you hear about the wrongly-convicted banana?

Don’t worry, he’s okay. He won on appeal

Time Flies Like an Arrow

Fruit flies like a banana.

What type of shoes do bananas wear.

Slippers

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

Humans are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

Did you hear about the workers' compensation trial for the British banana?

He won, and now he's on the Dole.

Where do you learn to make banana splits?

At sundae school.

Why did the apple break up with the orange?

Because the banana was more appealing.

In a small town, a doctor is about to retire and a young colleague comes to replace him.

They visit all the patients together, and the old doctor introduces the young one everywhere.

"Doctor, I've been having a constant stomach ache lately." cries one of the patients.

The old doctor answers,

"Didn't you eat too much fruit? I think you should eat less, that'll make ...

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train...

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said,
...

what do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

Slippers.

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

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A person goes to the grocery store…

They go to the produce section to look for broccoli. They find no broccoli so they ask a worker. The worker tells them they’re all out of broccoli.

They walk around a bit more and decide to ask again.

“Are you sure you’re out of broccoli? Maybe you have some in the back?”

The wo...

You are what you eat

son: if you eat a lot of bananas will that make you go bananas?
Dad: hmm maybe. Your brother eats a lot of corn and he’s corny. Your sister eats a lot of cheese and she’s cheesy. Your mother eats a lot of nuts and she’s nuts and I eat.. I guess you could say I’m a scaredy cat
Son: huh?
Da...

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn’t peeling well

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

I have trouble keeping their jobs these days...

First I was working at a potato farm, but then I was sacked.

Next it was the tuna factory, but then I was canned.

Next I tried being a lumberjack, but then I got axed.

Next I found an opening at the crematorium, but then I was fired.

Next I screwed up at the gun manufactu...

Courtesy of my kid when she was seven: what’s invisible and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

Where did the two bananas settle their legal dispute?

The court of A-peels

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

What to do call a banana that you’ll eat tomorrow?

Banyana

An explorer in the jungle saw a monkey with a tin opener. He called out to the monkey: 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana' ...

'I know' replied the monkey. 'I'm not stupid. This is for the custard'

Why are bananas curved?

Otherwise the peel wouldn't fit!

See if you can guess which sub this got removed from:

I just traded a piece of fruit for a weight measuring device....

Banana for scale

A customer asked a grocer, "How much is a banana?"

Grocer: $1

Customer: Would you sell it for .60 cents?

Grocer: You could only get the skin for that price.

Customer: Here's .40 cents for the banana, keep the skin.

A guy goes shopping and buys a banana, 2 eggs and a toothbrush.

The cashier says "I bet you're single."

The man says "Wow, how could you tell?!"

The cashier replies "Because you're ugly as hell."

In a banana republic

the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown.

Why can't you make phone calls on a banana?

They're apple products!

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A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

A Banana Walked into a Doctor's Office

He's sitting in the exam room when the doctor walks in, head buried in his notes, not really paying attention.

"I've got some bad news. You have stage 4 cancer, and it's very aggressive. We've caught it way too late. I'm afraid you only have two weeks left to live, Mr. Orange."

Looking...

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

What do you get hanging from banana trees?

Sore arms.

"I am going bananas."

That's what I tell the bananas when I'm leaving the house.

Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana, who?

WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CARS EXTENDED WARRANTY.

Why did the Banana seek therapy?

He went _Bananas_ after he and his girl _split_. He just wasn’t _peeling_ himself. He was _berry_ sad.

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

a man was driving his Tesla when

an old truck forced him to stop

after greetings, the truck driver suggested that they swap their cars

"are you out of your mind, who would ever want to swap a new beautiful eco-friendly Tesla with a loud old smoking truck ?"

"you don't und...

An old man shuffled into a dairy bar

He got slowly and painfully up onto a stool. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, “Crushed nuts?” “No, arthritis.”

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because of a rotten banana or whatever.

What's the difference between a banana and bananas?

One is just a banana and the other is crazy.


As told to me by my 10 year son.

TIL people eat way more bananas every year than monkeys

Because unlike monkeys, bananas are farmed

Did you see the news about the person they found dead in a bathtub full of milk with banana slices in the milk?

They think it was a cereal killer.

I went to the shops today

And bought . 1 ready meal; 1 banana; 1 onion and 1 can of coke. As the lady was checking the items she look at me and said: “Are you single”? I replied:”yes, how do you know because of all the single item’s “?
She said:”no, it’s because your really, really ugly”.

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Two bananas are sitting by a river

When a piece of poo comes floating by.

"You guys should come in the water it feels great" says the poo

One banana turns to the other and says

"Can you believe this shit?"

Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch

Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore...

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Ladies, if you want men to stop staring at your boobs...

Eat a banana.

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They say men think about sex every seven seconds.

That's why I eat my bananas in six. You know. So it's not awkward.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

A uninsured monkey crashes car into a man and gets sued for all his bananas.

The monkey is already appealing

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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny’s teacher announces to the class, “For today’s exercise, I will go through the alphabet and for each letter, select a student to share a word that begins with that letter.”

She scans the class and begins, “The first letter is A.”

Several students raise their hands, includ...

Original dad joke

I made this up a couple years ago and my kids think it’s the worst so it might work:

A fruit fly comes home and sees that his house has turned from green to yellow. He turns to his wife and says, “This is bananas!”

What do you get when you cross a banana peel with a psychologist ?

A freudian slip.
(Stop groaning it's not so dad)

An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...

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Family Planning

There was a guy distributing condoms in rural India. He goes around the villages explains the importance of family planning and condoms, and then demonstrates how to use them. But, he could not make a dent. Every woman is getting pregnant even though the husband swears that he is using condoms. So h...

A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.

As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."

The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"

"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

How do you eat a banana?

*Peel back the foreskin*

What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?

Canabananalism

What do you say to a banana on guard duty?

Keep your eyes peeled.

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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