UPJOKE
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A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: “Wow, how did you know that?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

If A is for Apples, and B is for Banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

I'm taking a class on how to make a banana split.

It's called sundae school.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn’t peeling well

Humans are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

A vibrator and a banana are lying on the table.

The banana asks the vibrator: "Hey, sonny, why are you trembling so much for? Is this your first time?"

Where did the two bananas settle their legal dispute?

The court of A-peels

what do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

Slippers.

A man walks in to the doctor’s office with a banana in his ear… the doctor says,

You’re not eating correctly.

Courtesy of my kid when she was seven: what’s invisible and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

Why are bananas curved?

Otherwise the peel wouldn't fit!

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Bad jokes are the best jokes

Did you know humans eat more bananas than monkeys?



I believe it… I’ve never eaten a monkey, have you?

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

An explorer in the jungle saw a monkey with a tin opener. He called out to the monkey: 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana' ...

'I know' replied the monkey. 'I'm not stupid. This is for the custard'

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because of a rotten banana or whatever.

What to do call a banana that you’ll eat tomorrow?

Banyana

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

Why can't you make phone calls on a banana?

They're apple products!

What is Banana short for?

Barack O'Nana


I said this joke in a dream and it's awful but I needed to get it out of my head

My favourite part is that it doesn't even work if you read it in a north American accent lmao

I must have that new Monkey Pox virus :(

I think Im going bananas

What do you get hanging from banana trees?

Sore arms.

I almost went crazy when I got Covid, but if I get the monkeypox

I will go bananas.

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

A customer asked a grocer, "How much is a banana?"

Grocer: $1

Customer: Would you sell it for .60 cents?

Grocer: You could only get the skin for that price.

Customer: Here's .40 cents for the banana, keep the skin.

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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. The girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “Th...

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

A guy goes shopping and buys a banana, 2 eggs and a toothbrush.

The cashier says "I bet you're single."

The man says "Wow, how could you tell?!"

The cashier replies "Because you're ugly as hell."

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

"I am going bananas."

That's what I tell the bananas when I'm leaving the house.

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A Hindu, a Muslim and a Christian are passing through a forest.

Each of them are carrying a dozen bananas.

Suddenly, 3 monkeys jump down from the trees, snatch away their bananas and climb back up the trees.

The Hindu joins his hands together and says to the 1st monkey, "Please return my bananas, O Hanuman!" The monkey doesn't care and starts to e...

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

What kind of key opens a banana

A mon-key

Why did the Banana seek therapy?

He went _Bananas_ after he and his girl _split_. He just wasn’t _peeling_ himself. He was _berry_ sad.

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A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

In a banana republic

the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown.

I had to fire the fruit delivery guy today

I really had to let the mango he was driving me bananas

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Ladies, if you want men to stop staring at your boobs....

Eat a banana.

Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana, who?

WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CARS EXTENDED WARRANTY.

A Banana Walked into a Doctor's Office

He's sitting in the exam room when the doctor walks in, head buried in his notes, not really paying attention.

"I've got some bad news. You have stage 4 cancer, and it's very aggressive. We've caught it way too late. I'm afraid you only have two weeks left to live, Mr. Orange."

Looking...

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

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My Cake Day penis joke:

A guy goes to the beach for vacation, and he really wanted to impress the ladies on the beach. He worked out a bunch, tanned in advance, and bought a tiny banana hammock bathing suit for himself.

Each day, he put on his tight budgie smuggler and began walking the beach, smiling at the bathin...

A uninsured monkey crashes car into a man and gets sued for all his bananas.

The monkey is already appealing

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Two bananas are sitting by a river

When a piece of poo comes floating by.

"You guys should come in the water it feels great" says the poo

One banana turns to the other and says

"Can you believe this shit?"

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

A man in Bulgaria drives trains

A man in Bulgaria drives trains for a living. He made decent money, enough to support himself. One day, he got tired while conducting and fell asleep. The train ended up crashing and killing one person aboard.

He went to court and pleaded guilty. The judge ordered Death by Electrocution. Late...

What do you get when you cross a banana peel with a psychologist ?

A freudian slip.
(Stop groaning it's not so dad)

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

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Charles the Banana

Charles was a banana at the local Safeway, where he sat on the shelf with all the other bananas. Charles waited every day to be picked when, finally, a man picks up Charles in his bunch and buys him.

When Charles got home, the man put Charles on the counter. "Oh boy," he thought, "I'll final...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

TIL people eat way more bananas every year than monkeys

Because unlike monkeys, bananas are farmed

What's the difference between a banana and bananas?

One is just a banana and the other is crazy.


As told to me by my 10 year son.

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Sherlock & Watson

Sherlock and Watson are walking through the park one fine day when they spot 3 women sitting on a bench eating bananas.

Watson says "Sherlock look, there are 3 women over on that bench eating bananas". Sherlock responds "Oh, the Nun, prostitute and the newlywed"? Watson is amazed with his st...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch

Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore...

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A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.

After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"

His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "Se...

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The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

What do you say to a banana on guard duty?

Keep your eyes peeled.

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A class of school children are playing a game

They are blindfolded and given a piece of food which they then eat and try to guess what it is.

They guess the first food, chocolate and they guess the second food, banana but they all get stuck on the third one, honey

The teacher tries to help them out and says "it's something your da...

A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.

As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."

The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"

"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."

What type of shoes do bananas wear?

Slippers

Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?

They have appeal

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

A study found that 97% of people prefer bananas with the skin on.

Without one, it just lacks appeal.

What did the cop say to the banana as it was released from jail?

Don’t Slip Up Again

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted...

### Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and ...

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

Three men are sitting on an airplane.

One has a a banana, one has a skateboard, and one has a bomb. The first one peels the banana, eats the banana, and throws the peel out the window. The second man just throws the skateboard out the window. The last man lights the fuse on his bomb and throws it out the window.

When they arrive ...

What's it called when one banana eats another banana?

Canabananalism

Why did the blonde get fired from the banana factory?

Because she threw out all the bent ones.

How do you eat a banana?

*Peel back the foreskin*

I was out on the west coast, trying to sell some guns to a street gang.

The gang member handed me a bag of severed toes with tiny $'s and tiny blue bandanas tied to them. I said "What's this?! No cash?!" He said it was the latest trend "Crip Toe Currency".

After a few months I wanted to buy a stolen sports car, but had no cash. My friend worked at a morgue so he ...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

A little old man goes to the ice cream parlor.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

What do pirates and banana farmers have in common?

They're both scared of black spots.

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What do you call an overripe japanese banana?

Mushy Mushy

Seeing a guy eat a banana...

is not the same seeing a Chiquita banana!

What is that stuff called that makes a banana turn brown?

\[Spoiler\]

My friend told me his apples were yellow

And I was all like, nah that’s bananas

What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?

Canabananalism

I am going bananas

That is what i say to my bananas every time i leave the house.

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