Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because he wasn't peeling well.

What kind of key opens a banana?

A monkey!

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?

Plastic Explosives

Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

What do you call a shoe that is made from bananas?

A slipper

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!!

A blind man was looking for bananas in a supermarket

...his efforts were fruit aisle (oc)

What did the banana say to the banana bully?

You hurt my peelings

A monkey walks into a bar and ask the bartender for bananas...

“DO YOU HAVE BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey.
“No... we don’t...?” answer the bartender, confused.
“DO YOU BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey once again
“No. We don’t. I told you that”
“DOOO YOOOU HAVE BANANAAAS ?!?!?!” ask the monkey again.
Upset, the bartender answer “NO. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. BA...

Did you guys hear about the banana that acted as a getaway driver?

He peeled out and split.

Everywhere on reddit I see people telling others to use a banana for scale.

But every time I step on a banana, it doesn't tell me how much I weigh. It just makes a mess. What am I doing wrong?

Bananas are similar to a lot of old men

They can’t get hard

Monkey sees Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, Monkey calls out to Elephant, "Hey, Elephant, why are you climbing that tree?"

Elephant says, "I'm going to eat me a mango!"

Monkey responds, "But that isn't a mango tree!?!"

Elephant says, "Don't worry about it, I brought my own."

I've heard Bananas can help stop diarrhea..

But I just don't know whether to take off the peel before inserting it.

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

What's invisible, and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

I am going bananas

That is what i say to my bananas every time i leave the house.

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

What do a brat and an expired banana have in common?

They're both spoiled rotten

What do they call a banana hammock on the beaches of Massachusetts?

A Cape Cod Piece

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So this lady arrives at the supermaket to pay. She has one egg, one banana, one yogurth, etc..

The cashiers tells her :

\- I bet you are single

\- Oh, how did you guess?

\- Well, you are fucking ugly

I wanna banana from earth.

It's Christmas time, and a little boy is sitting on the mall Santa's lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks with a smile.

"I wanna banana from Earth." He says, looking a little annoyed.

Santa, somewhat confused, asks the boy. "From earth?"

"Yes" The boy ret...

What do you get when a guy puts his D in the middle of a banana?

A bandana

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

Bananas ...

George, a farmer out of Iowa, decides to visit the Big Apple.

Taken in by all the wonders of a big city, in his wandering comes across a dude holding bananas to his ears.

He stops him and ask: "Sir, why are you holding bananas to your ears?"

The dude replies: "To keep the allig...

My ananas is acting weird...

it's gone completely bananas...

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

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I was about to write a joke about shoving a banana up my ass...

But it seemed too banal.

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

A little girl said: "I know how to spell 'banana'..."

"... I just don't know when to stop."

Did you hear about the guy who stole all the bananas from the market?

Nevermind, the story wouldn't appeel to you.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a banana?

|elephant| |banana| sin(θ)

Yes, we have no bananas

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas"

Guy1: I love this song

Guy2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart

Guy1: Of course it's not. They didn't make swing music in Mozart's time

Guy2: Yes they did!

Guy1: You're st...

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3 guys were on a plane

Three guys were on a plane to try skydiving. The 1st guy throws an apple and jumps out. He lands to find a child crying. He asks the child what was wrong.
The child says "an apple came from the sky an hit me on the head" the man apologises
The second guy throws a banana and jumps....

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The weirdest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

One man to another: "Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"

The other says: "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!"

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A woman is buying groceries

A woman is buying groceries, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says “I can tell that you’re single”. The woman smiles and asks “how can you tell” and the clerk responds “because you’re ugly”.

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I was married to a banana farmer

The sex was apeeling, but eventually we had to split.

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

From my 2yo sister

Knock knock


Who's there


Banana


Banana who?


Banana cross the road you chicken nerd

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Two bananas

Two bananas are sitting on a river bank and a turd goes floating by, he says "hey bananas, c'mon in the waters great!" The first banana turns to the second banana and says
"You believe that shit?"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

What do apples, bananas and babies have in common?

They all start going bad once exposed to air.

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.





George Bush? Im be a banana man.





Barack Obama? Im apple.



<...

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Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

A woman walks into a grocery store

She grabs milk, a banana, toothpaste and a bottle of wine. When she goes to checkout, the cashier asks “Are you single?”

“Why yes, I am, how did you know that?” She exclaims

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke about an island

3 guys are stranded on a desert island, They are captured by a native tribe.

They are brought to the indian chief who tells them to each get 5 fruits from the island.

guy 1 comes back with a bag of 5 bananas, Leader tells him to shove them up his ass without flinching or showing any em...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

I went to the shops to buy some apples, oranges and bananas... I came back empty handed.

It was a fruitless endeavour.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

Banana

A guy is walking around with a banana in his ear. Another guy, seeing this, approaches and says, "Hey man, you've got a banana in your ear."
The banana guy looks at him and says, "What?"
The other guy says, "You've got a banana in your ear."
The banana guy says, "What?"
The other guy, fe...

Conductor

One day, a train conductor is walking down the aisle making sure everyone has a ticket. As he’s making his way down he sees the mayor, he asks the mayor for his ticket and the mayor says “dang I must’ve forgotten it in my car” and the conductor says “no ticket, no ride” and he throws the mayor out o...

What shoes do they make out of banana skins?

Slippers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed

What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?

"Cum at me bro".



\-

Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?

He was a peeking duck



\-

What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?

"It's bananas"



\...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

A monkey, chimp, gorilla and King Kong tries to take bananas from a coconut tree. Who will get it?

Neither! Coconut trees don't grow bananas!

Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

Because she threw out all the bent ones.

How long does it take for you to hit the ground after slipping on a banana peel?

One banano-second.

A man is selling bananas at the market

One woman comes up to his stall and says 'I want bananas that are short and thick'. The seller gives her bananas she asks for.

Another woman comes up and says 'I want bananas that are long and slim'. He gives her what she wants.

Then a man comes up to the stall. The vendor asks him 'Wh...

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

What do you call a pair of banana peels?

Slippers!

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

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How the hell did I get banned for just a picture of a banana?

...maybe I shouldn’t have included a penis for scale...

Bananas can stop diarhea very effectively

Just don't pull them out

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn’t peeling well..


Side note: I was dressed as a banana for halloween and a 6 year old princess told me this joke.

Doctor says banana is good for preventing constipation. It didn't work for me

...until I found out that he meant I should eat the banana.

Why does Trump go bananas on the media?

Because they are trying to orange his impeachment.

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

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