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Avocado Jokes

What's an avocado's favorite music?

Guac N' Roll
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My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
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What does a duck thats made of avocado say?

Guac
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What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?

A Guackie-talkie
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If two avocado are “avocados”

then shouldn’t three avocado be “avocatres”, and four be “avoquatro”, and five be “avocinco”?
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What do you call young avocados?

Avokiddos.
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There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole,

Which is also known as avocado’s number
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What do you call an avocado thats been blessed by Pope Francis?

Holy Guacamole.
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I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.
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Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.
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What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

A joke I made up last night. Quarantine's really getting to me
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Avocado: Hello, I'm good fat

Bacon: \*lights cigarette\* \*punches avocado\*
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AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an avocado?

Cockamole

I bought an avocado to boost my memory

but I forgot where did I put it
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What do you get if you mash 6.02 * 10^23 avocados?

Guacamole...
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What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.
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What did the cook say after he finished putting smoked chicken and avocado into a soft flatbread?

"That's a wrap"
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What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 molecules of avocado?

A guac-mole
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I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.
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Farmers would make a lot more money if they didn't grow avocado.

They should try growing twovocadoes.
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A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”
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A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...
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What do you call an expired avocado?

A guacamoldy
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How do you get a bunch of avocados into an Aerosmith concert?

You tell them to GUAC This Way!
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What did the Avocado said before the rabbit disappeared?

Avocadobra!
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What’s an avocados favorite arcade game?

Guac-a-Mole
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What do you call it when you punch someone with an avocado?

Guacamelee
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When an avocado and a duck mate, what sound does the offspring make?

Guac!
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Why shouldn't you put avocados in your eyes?

You could get guacoma.
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What type of music do avocados listen to?

Guac & Roll
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An avocado farmer has all of his crop stolen and calls the police...

Farmer: Someone stole all of my avocados!

Cop: How many avocados?

Farmer: All of them!

Cop: I need an exact number for the report.

Farmer: How am I supposed to know how many avocados there are?

Cop (annoyed): Just tell me the number of avocados.

Farmer: 6.02...
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what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce?

one guacamole
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Yet again I bought a beetroot that punches avocados.

Back with another one of those guac clockin' beets.
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate avocado toast before it was cool.
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What do you get when you mix Swiss Cheese and avocados?

Holy Guacamole!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bezos: "Alexa, buy avocados from Whole Foods"

Alexa: "Ok, buying Whole Foods"

Bezos: "Shit"

The hawk on the patio

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at that big hawk out on the patio," he tells the bartender. "It looks like its eating some avocado toast." "Oh, that bird again," the bartender sighs. "I think its a Millennial Falcon."
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What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
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I developed a game where you feed avocados to small subterranean mammals!

It's called Guacamole!
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What is an avocado's favorite game to play?

Guack-a-mole!

I'm about to be a dad so this seemed fitting for my first post :)
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What did the dad who had too many avocados say to people as he handed them out for free?

"Havocado!"
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People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Elephants....

Paint their testicles green?


So they can hide in avocado trees!

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What's the difference between a ripe and a rotten avocado?

About fifteen minutes.

^Motherfuckers...

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Why did the elephant paint his balls green?

Answer: to hide in avocado trees..

How did Tarzan die?
Answer: Picking avocados

Avocado or Donald Trump?

Avocado or Donald Trump for president?
Well, one is a wrinkly old bag filled with green mush
The other one is an avocado.
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Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...

You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.
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A woman asks her Aspie husband to go to the grocery store.

She says “buy a loaf of bread, and if they have avocados get six.”

An hour later, her husband returns with six loaves of bread. “They had avocados.” he explains.
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A programmer is asked by his wife to go to the store

"Go to the store to buy some eggs", she says, "If they have avocadoes get 6". The programmer returns with some eggs and 6 avocadoes because he's a programmer and not a badly written program.
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A man and woman are having lunch....

The woman goes, "hey could you please go to the store to get 1 litre of milk? And if they have avocado's, bring 6.

*10 mins later*

Man comes back with 6 cartons of milk," hey honey, they had avocados".
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I was going to drive to the shop to pick up some guacamole...

....but I don't avocado.
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What is the Jolly Green Giant most afraid of?

Avocado pickers
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ANOTHER WOODEN BALL..!!!!!

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?...
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Two avocados at a bar

"Can I have your number?"



"6.022140857(74)×10\^23"
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Trump shutting down the border would be the best thing for millennials

Once the avocado market dries up they can finally pay off their student loans and buy a house
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I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."

--------------------------------------------------


**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.
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Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes...

... and now I think I have guacoma.

Happy Avocado Day!
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I would have driven my date to the Mexican cantina....

But I didn't avocado
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Horse named Few

A man goes to buy a horse one day and comes across the most astounding looking horse he has ever seen. He asked the owner if he could purchase the horse from him. The owner agrees for hefty sum of money. But tells the man that there are a few things he should know about the horse. First that the ho...
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Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"
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My chemistry class had a party

My teacher brought some avocados, about 6.022x10^23 of them, for the guaca-mole.
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An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:

“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the ...
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