What's an avocado's favorite music?

Guac N' Roll

What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

A joke I made up last night. Quarantine's really getting to me

What's an avocado's favorite arcade game?

Guac-a-mole

What do you call an expired avocado?

Guaca-moldy

(Courtesy of my 12-year-old that hears Dad jokes all the time)

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

What type of music do avocados listen to?

Guac & Roll

What do you call an avocado thats been blessed by Pope Francis?

Holy Guacamole.

There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole,

Which is also known as avocado’s number

Avocado makers need to up their game

The only free gift I get is a wooden ball

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

What do you call young avocados?

Avokiddos.

What does a duck thats made of avocado say?

Guac

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the avocado say to the orange after the orange told him to citrus ass down?

You aren't my mom, you don't know me until you guacamile in my shoes!

My friend asked me if I could drive him to town...

I said "I'd love to... but I don't have a fruit to drive."...

well...

What I actually said was "I'd love to... but I don't avocado."

ANOTHER WOODEN BALL..!!!!!

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?...

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

What do you call 10 CCs of Avocado?

Avoca-dose

Avocado: Hello, I'm good fat

Bacon: \*lights cigarette\* \*punches avocado\*

A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...

What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?

A Guackie-talkie

An avocado farmer has all of his crop stolen and calls the police...

Farmer: Someone stole all of my avocados!

Cop: How many avocados?

Farmer: All of them!

Cop: I need an exact number for the report.

Farmer: How am I supposed to know how many avocados there are?

Cop (annoyed): Just tell me the number of avocados.

Farmer: 6.02...

What did the Avocado said before the rabbit disappeared?

Avocadobra!

Why shouldn't you put avocados in your eyes?

You could get guacoma.

What did the dad who had too many avocados say to people as he handed them out for free?

"Havocado!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bezos: "Alexa, buy avocados from Whole Foods"

Alexa: "Ok, buying Whole Foods"

Bezos: "Shit"

What is an avocado's favorite game to play?

Guack-a-mole!

I'm about to be a dad so this seemed fitting for my first post :)

What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?

Guaca-mole

A man and woman are having lunch....

The woman goes, "hey could you please go to the store to get 1 litre of milk? And if they have avocado's, bring 6.

*10 mins later*

Man comes back with 6 cartons of milk," hey honey, they had avocados".

Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

I developed a game where you feed avocados to small subterranean mammals!

It's called Guacamole!

How do you make an avocado tactical?

You turn it into GuacaMOLLE

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, an asparagus stalk in the other ear, and an avocado under his armpit. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

Two avocados at a bar

"Can I have your number?"



"6.022140857(74)×10\^23"

What do you call it when you punch someone with an avocado?

Guacamelee

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Elephants....

Paint their testicles green?


So they can hide in avocado trees!

what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce?

one guacamole

When an avocado and a duck mate, what sound does the offspring make?

Guac!

what does the one-upping hipster say?

hold my avocado

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a ripe and a rotten avocado?

About fifteen minutes.

^Motherfuckers...

Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...

You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.

Avocado or Donald Trump?

Avocado or Donald Trump for president?
Well, one is a wrinkly old bag filled with green mush
The other one is an avocado.

Trump shutting down the border would be the best thing for millennials

Once the avocado market dries up they can finally pay off their student loans and buy a house

I was going to drive to the shop to pick up some guacamole...

....but I don't avocado.

I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."

--------------------------------------------------


**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:

“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the ...

Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes...

... and now I think I have guacoma.

Happy Avocado Day!

My chemistry class had a party

My teacher brought some avocados, about 6.022x10^23 of them, for the guaca-mole.

I would have driven my date to the Mexican cantina....

But I didn't avocado

Horse named Few

A man goes to buy a horse one day and comes across the most astounding looking horse he has ever seen. He asked the owner if he could purchase the horse from him. The owner agrees for hefty sum of money. But tells the man that there are a few things he should know about the horse. First that the ho...

Here's a funny joke based on the word avocate in french.

The word avocate in french means two things, avocado, and lawyer. Why? Because both of them are expensive and slimy on the inside. Sorry if anyones a lawyer... or an avocado.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the elephant paint his balls green?

Answer: to hide in avocado trees..

How did Tarzan die?
Answer: Picking avocados

How many molecules are in a guacamole?

Avocado's Number.

What is the Jolly Green Giant most afraid of?

Avocado pickers

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