My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

What do you call young avocados?

Avokiddos.

Avocado: Hello, I'm good fat

Bacon: \*lights cigarette\* \*punches avocado\*

A wife asks her husband...

"Could you go shopping for me and buy a gallon of milk? And if they have avocados, get six."

A short time later, the husband comes home with six gallons of milk.

The wife asks: "Why did you buy six gallons of milk?"

Husband replies: "They had avocados."

What does a duck thats made of avocado say?

Guac

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?

A Guackie-talkie

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

What did the Avocado said before the rabbit disappeared?

Avocadobra!

What's an avocado's favorite music?

Guac N' Roll

A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...

Why shouldn't you put avocados in your eyes?

You could get guacoma.

Trump shutting down the border would be the best thing for millennials

Once the avocado market dries up they can finally pay off their student loans and buy a house

Two avocados at a bar

"Can I have your number?"



"6.022140857(74)×10\^23"

What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

What did the dad who had too many avocados say to people as he handed them out for free?

"Havocado!"

What do you get when you mix MDMA with an avocado?

Guacamolly

what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce?

one guacamole

I developed a game where you feed avocados to small subterranean mammals!

It's called Guacamole!

What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?

Guaca-mole

Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

What do you get when you combine Avogadro's number of avocados?

GuacaMole!

People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a ripe and a rotten avocado?

About fifteen minutes.

^Motherfuckers...

How do you make an avocado tactical?

You turn it into GuacaMOLLE

What is an avocado's favorite game to play?

Guack-a-mole!

I'm about to be a dad so this seemed fitting for my first post :)

When an avocado and a duck mate, what sound does the offspring make?

Guac!

What do you call it when you punch someone with an avocado?

Guacamelee

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, an asparagus stalk in the other ear, and an avocado under his armpit. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Elephants....

Paint their testicles green?


So they can hide in avocado trees!

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

what does the one-upping hipster say?

hold my avocado

I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."

--------------------------------------------------


**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

Horse named Few

A man goes to buy a horse one day and comes across the most astounding looking horse he has ever seen. He asked the owner if he could purchase the horse from him. The owner agrees for hefty sum of money. But tells the man that there are a few things he should know about the horse. First that the ho...

I was going to drive to the shop to pick up some guacamole...

....but I don't avocado.

My chemistry class had a party

My teacher brought some avocados, about 6.022x10^23 of them, for the guaca-mole.

I would have driven my date to the Mexican cantina....

But I didn't avocado

An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:

“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the ...

Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes...

... and now I think I have guacoma.

Happy Avocado Day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the elephant paint his balls green?

Answer: to hide in avocado trees..

How did Tarzan die?
Answer: Picking avocados

What is the Jolly Green Giant most afraid of?

Avocado pickers

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.