What's an avocado's favorite music?

Guac N' Roll

What does a duck thats made of avocado say?

Guac

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

What do you call an expired avocado?

Guaca-moldy

(Courtesy of my 12-year-old that hears Dad jokes all the time)

What do you call young avocados?

Avokiddos.

What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?

A Guackie-talkie

What do you call an avocado thats been blessed by Pope Francis?

Holy Guacamole.

If two avocado are “avocados”

then shouldn’t three avocado be “avocatres”, and four be “avoquatro”, and five be “avocinco”?

How do you get a bunch of avocados into an Aerosmith concert?

You tell them to GUAC This Way!

what do you call it when you get avocado in your eye?

guacoma.

What do you call a bird that likes avocado toast?

The millennial falcon.

Farmers would make a lot more money if they didn't grow avocado.

They should try growing twovocadoes.

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

What type of music do avocados listen to?

Guac & Roll

Avocado: Hello, I'm good fat

Bacon: \*lights cigarette\* \*punches avocado\*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the avocado that died the other day?

You might think I’m just joking around but I am Dead Hass.

What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 molecules of avocado?

A guac-mole

There are approximately 6.02*10^23 guacas in a guacamole.

This is known as avocado’s number.

What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

A joke I made up last night. Quarantine's really getting to me

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

Why shouldn't you put avocados in your eyes?

You could get guacoma.

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

A programmer is asked by his wife to go to the store

"Go to the store to buy some eggs", she says, "If they have avocadoes get 6". The programmer returns with some eggs and 6 avocadoes because he's a programmer and not a badly written program.

What's an avocado's favorite arcade game?

Guac-a-mole

A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...

An avocado farmer has all of his crop stolen and calls the police...

Farmer: Someone stole all of my avocados!

Cop: How many avocados?

Farmer: All of them!

Cop: I need an exact number for the report.

Farmer: How am I supposed to know how many avocados there are?

Cop (annoyed): Just tell me the number of avocados.

Farmer: 6.02...

Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

What did the dad who had too many avocados say to people as he handed them out for free?

"Havocado!"

I developed a game where you feed avocados to small subterranean mammals!

It's called Guacamole!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the avocado say to the orange after the orange told him to citrus ass down?

You aren't my mom, you don't know me until you guacamile in my shoes!

Avocado makers need to up their game

The only free gift I get is a wooden ball

What did the Avocado said before the rabbit disappeared?

Avocadobra!

What is an avocado's favorite game to play?

Guack-a-mole!

I'm about to be a dad so this seemed fitting for my first post :)

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, an asparagus stalk in the other ear, and an avocado under his armpit. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce?

one guacamole

How do you make an avocado tactical?

You turn it into GuacaMOLLE

What do you call it when you punch someone with an avocado?

Guacamelee

People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Elephants....

Paint their testicles green?


So they can hide in avocado trees!

When an avocado and a duck mate, what sound does the offspring make?

Guac!

ANOTHER WOODEN BALL..!!!!!

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?...

Where Guacamole's grow

From @neiltyson

Geeky Chemistry Humor for Foodies:

If Avogadro’s Number is 6.022 x 10^23 (which equals one Mole) then 6.022 x 10^23 Avocados equals one Guaca-Mole.

Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...

You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.

A man and woman are having lunch....

The woman goes, "hey could you please go to the store to get 1 litre of milk? And if they have avocado's, bring 6.

*10 mins later*

Man comes back with 6 cartons of milk," hey honey, they had avocados".

Trump shutting down the border would be the best thing for millennials

Once the avocado market dries up they can finally pay off their student loans and buy a house

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

I was going to drive to the shop to pick up some guacamole...

....but I don't avocado.

Two avocados at a bar

"Can I have your number?"



"6.022140857(74)×10\^23"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a ripe and a rotten avocado?

About fifteen minutes.

^Motherfuckers...

I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."

--------------------------------------------------


**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes...

... and now I think I have guacoma.

Happy Avocado Day!

My chemistry class had a party

My teacher brought some avocados, about 6.022x10^23 of them, for the guaca-mole.

Here's a funny joke based on the word avocate in french.

The word avocate in french means two things, avocado, and lawyer. Why? Because both of them are expensive and slimy on the inside. Sorry if anyones a lawyer... or an avocado.

What is the Jolly Green Giant most afraid of?

Avocado pickers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the elephant paint his balls green?

Answer: to hide in avocado trees..

How did Tarzan die?
Answer: Picking avocados

I would have driven my date to the Mexican cantina....

But I didn't avocado

Horse named Few

A man goes to buy a horse one day and comes across the most astounding looking horse he has ever seen. He asked the owner if he could purchase the horse from him. The owner agrees for hefty sum of money. But tells the man that there are a few things he should know about the horse. First that the ho...

How do you measure the molar mass of guacamole?

With Avocado's Constant.

An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:

“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the ...

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