I cried when my dad was chopping onions...

I’m gonna miss that dog.

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

I used to cry when my dad cut onions

Onions was a good dog, I miss him dearly

I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a BeeGees song.

But when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.

My brother said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.

I threw a coconut at his face

Some people say onions are the only veg that make you cry

They've never been hit in the face by a turnip

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

Did you hear about the family of onions that died?

They will be forever minced.

Man: "Can I have a pizza with liver and onions."

Dominos: "We don't do liver."

Man with hand over the phone whispering to his wife, "I thought you said they do the liver?"

Wife: "I said they do deliver."

Man: "Not according to this guy."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

What do you call a Monk with osteoporosis who likes eating onions and walks everywhere barefoot

He’s a Super fragile calloused mystic plagued with halitosis.

I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming everything that I was saying.

It turns out, they were rap scallions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?

Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.

Answer 2: I cry a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.

My friend and I made a bet, who can make the other person cry first using food.

While he went off to shop for onions, I got a coconut, and as he was pulling into the driveway from the grocery store, I threw it into him, smashing the window.

He lost the bet, a window, and a tooth.

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

What's the difference between a 5 lb bag of onions and some bagpipes?

No one cries when you cut up the bagpipes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

Wanna hear a joke about cutting onions?

It'll have you in tears.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions..

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Onions

My friend told me that onions are the only edible plant that can make you cry.

I bludgeoned his head with a watermelon.

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

My friend told me that onions were the only things that could make him cry

so I threw a bowling ball at him to prove him wrong

I asked my girlfriend how I should cut the onions for her, her response, "Do them the way you think I would like them."

And now I know what fear is.

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and sm...

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