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Peach Jokes

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

Why did princess peach begin to choke?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any cor...

A woman goes in front of a judge.

The judge said, "Why are you here today?"

She said, "I stole a can of peaches." The judge said, "How many peaches are in the can?"

She said, "Six." The Judge said, "Ok, you spend six days in jail then."

The lady’s husband quickly stood up and asked the judge if he could speak on...

How do you make a peach crumble?

Kick him in the nut.

A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…

Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives to the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.

Pineapple says, “well that’s just the pits.”

An old farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door, and a very pretty young lady dressed in an extremely sheer negligee answered.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side, showing her breast, and asked, “Are they as ...

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Exotic Peaches

A man driving down the road sees a sign that says, "EXOTIC PEACHES HERE!" Out of pure curiosity, the man pulls in to see what it's all about.

The owner says, "Welcome, Sir, what's your favorite fruit?"

The man replies, "Umm, well, I guess it would have to be an Orange."
"Ahh, you'...

I get so mad when people sneak up behind me and yell, "LET'S CAN SOME PEACHES !!!"

It's really jarring

An elderly man in Louisiana ...

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there f...

What do you do with 100 peaches?

You eat what you can, and you can, what you can't.

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Peach = Butt

A mother was teaching her two home school kids so she drew a peach on the board and asked them what it was, they both said butt, she was furious and kept asking and getting the same answer, she called their dad and told him that the kids are being disrespectful, the dad said “ You have to respect yo...

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NSFW A farmer sells his peaches door to door

A peach farmer decides to sell his peaches door to door. He knocks on an apartment door and this gorgeous lady wearing a teddy opens the door.
The farmer stutters in surprise and asks if she would like some peaches. He shows her one and “says they are firm, subtle and very nice to the touch.”...

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My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.



\- Gary Delaney

One Day, Mario took peach to a fancy pizzaria

They made their order, then sat down and waited. After a few minutes a busty waitress brought them their pizza. Then they started eating. once their meal was done the waitress came back to see how their meal went. To her and Peach's horror, Mario was so big he broke through the roof. When the waitre...

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Peaches

A man goes to the patent office and tells the clerk that he would like to patent a powder which you sprinkle on your wife's vagina which makes it taste like peaches.

"Get out of here.", the clerk says, "I can't patent anything like that." The man glumly leaves the office.

However, he i...

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

What does Princess Peach and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed by an Italian

Mario is breaking up with Princess Peach

Peach: Is it me? Is it my fault?


Mario: No, it's-a not-a you, it's-a me, Mario!

How are Marie Antoinette, Princess Peach, and GLaDOS alike?

They all lie about there being cake.

I hate cutting up peaches.

It's the pits.

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A farmer selling his peaches

A farmer knocks on the door and an attractive woman answers the door in skimpy lingerie.
"Hello Ma'am, would you like to buy some peaches?"

As she leans on the door frame she asks; "are they as soft as these?" while she touches her breasts. "Or are they as round as this?" as she touches h...

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

What is the difference between a Peach and a Orange?

You can't imorange a Peach but you can impeach an Orange.

Everyone in Georgia loves a good peach.

Apparently they don’t like oranges as much.

A man takes over his brother's peach shop for a couple days

His brother tells him all the peaches are worth 25 cents. The next day, a child comes up to him and wants to buy some peaches:

Child: How much do they cost?

Man: 25 cents

Child: Are they fresh?

The man is stumped by this question, so he asks his brother. His brother te...

Why does princess peach keep toad around?

Because he's a "fun-gi"

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#NSFW What do you get when you fuck a peach tree?

Peaches and cream

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Sunnyvale Farms - PEACHES ANY FLAVOR (long)

A traveling salesman was driving into a new town and prospect, when he passes a sign that says “ Sunnyvale Farms! Peaches, any flavor”. Upon reading the sign, he thinks to himself “These rednecks are some seriously dumb folks. A peach is a peach! What’s that “any flavor” BS about?

So, over th...

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?

She replied "four, your honour".

The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.

Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of pe...

Why was Mario interested in Princess Peach in the first place?

He heard she had a plum bum.

Mario, Luigi, Peach met up for the first time in 5 years

It was a Wii Union!

Why was Peach mad at Mario?

He forgot to delete his Bowser history.

Why was the peach late to work?

He had to make a pit stop on the way there.

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A man is driving down a road and sees a peach stand thats says “peaches in all flavors”

Curious by the stand’s name, he turns around to stop by. As he aproaches the stand he asks,

Man: “do you really sell peaches in all flavors”

Peach Vendor: “I sure do! What kind would you like?”

Man: “Ok well give me a peach that tastes exactly like an orange”

Peach vendor...

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches.

When the case gets to court and she is found guilty, the judge decides to make an example of her.

'How many peaches were in that can that you stole?' He asked.

'Six' she said, with tears of remorse in her eyes.

'Then you are hereby sentenced to six months in prison. One month fo...

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[Long] World's Greatest Peaches!

John was driving across country and see a sign that reads, "World's Greatest Peaches! 100 miles." As John continues to drive he sees another sign that reads, "World's Greatest Peaches! 50 miles." As he keeps driving his stomach growls and he sees another sign, "World's Greatest Peaches! 10 miles." S...

Why doesn't Angelina Jolie like peaches?

Because of the "Pit"

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Old joke slightly different. An old peach salesman drives up to a house and knocks...

- Beautiful lady answers door with not much on. Asks old man what she can for you

- old man asks if she’d like to buy some peaches

- she says, I don’t know, takes his hand and puts it on her breast. Asks “Are your peaches as firm and nice as this.”

- he says, “yes ma’am”...

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

What do you call a pair of peaches?

Trump

A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.

As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."

The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"

"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself, I sneaked in and watched him making those stupid little peach shoes.

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh...

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At an international gynecologist's convention...

Two American Doctors and a European Doctor were having drinks and talking about work. After a few too many they started telling stories.

The first American decides to talk about the strangest patients he had had. "This woman's vulva was like an apple!" He explained.

The second America...

There is a man with a giant peach for a head walking down the street.

A man walks up to him and asks:

“Why do you have a giant peach as a head?”

The peach man replies,

“Funny story actually. I found a genie who gave me 3 wishes.

My first wish was to be rich, then a man came up to me and handed me a briefcase with millions of dollars.
...

Why did Princess Peach dump Mario for Toad?

Because he just wasn't as much of a fun guy.

The guilt from stealing and eating a whole peach is getting to me

It's like theres a pit in my stomach

A man was in a court after being caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

The judge asked him, "How many peaches were in the can you stole?"

The man replied, "Five".

The judge gave him his sentence, "You will have five weeks in prison, one for each peach in the can".

The wife of the man, who was present in the court room, raised her hand and said, " Y...

A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you.

The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”

The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’

intelligent monkey

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals' aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either p...

The Spirit

A preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church if the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congr...

Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe...

What did the tomato say to the peach?

"Nice pits."

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I told my wife that having kids had made our love life a little bland. She laughed, grabbed a peach from the kitchen, seductively ate the flesh, and masturbated with the pit.

Mother fucking hard core.

What do eggplants, zucchini and cucumber all have in common ?

none of them looks like a peach

Why didn't Mario complete his presidential term?

He got in Peach

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A man was driving along a country road when he saw a sign that read "Peaches, All Flavors, 1 Mile."

A man was driving along a country road when he saw a sign that read "Peaches, All Flavors, 1 Mile." After seeing this he thought to himself, "I gotta see this!" After driving for a mile he saw the stand and pulled off to investigate.

"Hi, I saw your sign and want to know how you can have peac...

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A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand.

The sign above read, "We have
peaches that taste like anything
and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and
decided to stop.
He thought this has to be
bullshit. So he approaches the
old, feeble man behind the
stand and says, "So, you have
peaches that taste l...

What's a turkey's favorite dessert?

Peach gobbler

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A man amd his wife walk into a store and the wife steals a jar of peaches

Loss prevention catches her however, and pulls them aside to wait for a police officer to show up. Upon arrival, he is told what happened and handed the jar. He then counts how many slices of peach there are, for she is to spend a week in jail for each one. In this case 6. The officer then pulls out...

Why is Mario jealous of Donald Trump?

Because he has been in peach twice now

Supermarket

I went to a supermarket and I asked one of the employees there where they kept the tinned peaches. The employee said: "I'll see." and walked away. I asked another employee and they also said: "I'll see." and walked away.

In the end, I managed to find them myself in Aisle C.

Why did Bowser trap the Princess in ice?

He was expressing his right to freeze Peach.

Salesman John

John was appointed as sales person at a local store in London.

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had 'Peach Jam' to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock."

At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then t...

Mario has died from a heart attack while making love to his girlfriend

Rest in Peach

A most interesting fellow

A man is walking down the street and runs into a rather strange looking fellow. He's wearing a dark hood obscuring much of his face, so he goes to investigate. He soon realizes that the hooded figure had no face at all.

"Excuse me, sir," the man asked the hooded figure, "do you mind taking o...

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said..

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him...

An old couple go shopping...

... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into he...

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A man is passing through rural Georgia

As he is driving, he spots a sign along the road that says “Peanut butter and jelly flavored peaches, next right”.

Intrigued, the man takes the next right to the farm. He sees a farm standing next to a fruit stand.

Man: “Can I sample one of your PBNJ peaches? Sorry, I’m just a bit skep...

A Jewish woman, Mrs. Babs Goldstein, has a problem with kleptomania.

She is brought before the court for stealing. The magistrate asks her, "So, what did you steal, Mrs. Goldstein?"

"Oh your honor... it was *just* a can of peaches."

"*Just* a can of peaches, you say," says the magistrate, somewhat perturbed. "Hmmm.... How many peaches would you guess we...

Why is Mario so healthy???

Because every night he eats a Peach...

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

During times of War

The waring nations would remove certain fruit from their restaurants.

Because Peach is no longer an option.

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