What did Mario say to Peach when they broke up?

It's not you, it's a me a Mario!

Donald Trump - "I'm not orange!"

"Impeach."

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Peach = Butt

A mother was teaching her two home school kids so she drew a peach on the board and asked them what it was, they both said butt, she was furious and kept asking and getting the same answer, she called their dad and told him that the kids are being disrespectful, the dad said “ You have to respect yo...

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A guy is walking around a county fair...

He comes to a stand advertising "Magic Peaches."

Well, he gets curious and asks the vendor, "Hey man, what's this all about?"

The Vendor replies casually, "I've got a peach here that tastes like anything you can think of."

"Bullshit," the man says. "Give me one that tastes like...

Why does princess peach keep toad around?

Because he's a "fun-gi"

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My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

Hairy and makes a horrible yoghurt.

What is Donald Trump’s least favorite flavor of ice cream?

Peach Mint.

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Old joke slightly different. An old peach salesman drives up to a house and knocks...

- Beautiful lady answers door with not much on. Asks old man what she can for you

- old man asks if she’d like to buy some peaches

- she says, I don’t know, takes his hand and puts it on her breast. Asks “Are your peaches as firm and nice as this.”

- he says, “yes ma’am”...

No greater love

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe...

Why did Princess Peach dump Mario for Toad?

Because he just wasn't as much of a fun guy.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself, I sneaked in and watched him making those stupid little peach shoes.

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A man is driving down a road and sees a peach stand thats says “peaches in all flavors”

Curious by the stand’s name, he turns around to stop by. As he aproaches the stand he asks,

Man: “do you really sell peaches in all flavors”

Peach Vendor: “I sure do! What kind would you like?”

Man: “Ok well give me a peach that tastes exactly like an orange”

Peach vendor...

Why did the American prepare peach gelato?

To demonstrate her right to freeze peach!

Why was Peach mad at Mario?

He forgot to delete his Bowser history.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a fi...

Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream

He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.

Edit: Bit of a story to this. My friend is having trouble eating so I asked if I could get him anything. He mentioned that he really wants some Peach Ice Cream, but he knows it's out of season. So I went to one of those...

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

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The $25 peach.

Two commuters are hurrying down Madison Ave on the way to Grand Central to catch the 5:21 to Scarborough.

Ahead of them is a street vendor with a basket of peaches and a sign in the basket proclaiming "Best peaches you'll ever eat - $25 apiece."

Well one of the commuters is in marketin...

Why was the peach late to work?

He had to make a pit stop on the way there.

A guy is on the corner of the street waiting to hail a cab and he has a giant peach for a head...

Another man comes up to him and says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help but notice that you have a giant peach for a head; what's up with that?"

The man with a giant peach for a head responds "It's kind of a funny story actually."

He explains that on his last birthday a genie appeared to him ...

What did the tomato say to the peach?

"Nice pits."

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Exotic Peaches

A man driving down the road sees a sign that says, "EXOTIC PEACHES HERE!" Out of pure curiosity, the man pulls in to see what it's all about.

The owner says, "Welcome, Sir, what's your favorite fruit?"

The man replies, "Umm, well, I guess it would have to be an Orange."
"Ahh, you'...

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

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Still can't get it..

I'm Albanian and I moved to the US in 1996. My absolute favorite fruits are peaches.

The way it's pronounced, peach in Albanian means pussy. Which sucks because as a teenager there was no way I'd be asking for some damn pussy around the house..

Got over that language issue... But now...

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches.

When the case gets to court and she is found guilty, the judge decides to make an example of her.

'How many peaches were in that can that you stole?' He asked.

'Six' she said, with tears of remorse in her eyes.

'Then you are hereby sentenced to six months in prison. One month fo...

A woman was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

She was brought before the judge who asked, “How many peach slices were in the can?”

“Six,” she replied.

“Ok, I’ll give you six days.”

Her husband, seated court, raised his hand and said, “Your honor, she also stole a bag of rice.”

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A man was stopped at a farmer's market

When he comes across a stand advertising peaches of every flavor, he asks the owner "do you really have peaches in every flavor?" to which he responds "I sure do, what flavor are you looking for?" Doubting the owner the man asks for peanut butter and jelly, the owner selects a peach and hands it ove...

My friend told me that my fruit puns were getting out of hand.

He is just jealous that son of a peach.

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A man enters a grocery store...

He buys:
- An apple
- A peach
- A pretzel
- A carton of milk
- A jar of jam
- A bottle of Coke
- A chocolate bar

The female cashier looks at him and asks with a big smile:
“You’re single, right?”
The man answers nicely:
“Yes I am, how did you know?”
She answ...

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A truck driver was driving down the road

He read a small sign nailed to a light pole that said “peaches that taste like everything and anything.” Curious, the truck driver drove down the road that the sign was nailed to and came across and old man with a little setup in front of a farm. The truck driver parked his truck and went over to ...

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Did Santa get you that?

A policeman riding his horse sees a little girl on a brand new bike. He rides up next to her and asks, "Did Santa get you that bike?"
The girl looks up smiling and says, "Yes he did."
The policeman smiles and says "Well next year, tell Santa to put some reflectors on it." He then fines her ...

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A man is passing through rural Georgia

As he is driving, he spots a sign along the road that says “Peanut butter and jelly flavored peaches, next right”.

Intrigued, the man takes the next right to the farm. He sees a farm standing next to a fruit stand.

Man: “Can I sample one of your PBNJ peaches? Sorry, I’m just a bit skep...

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A man driving down the road sees a sign that says "Apples $5."

He's kinda hungry so he pulls over and says he will take a dozen. The guy working the stand says "That'll be $60" "Whoah" says the buyer, "Your apples are $5 Each?!" "Yepp, because my apples taste like peanut butter and jelly. Here, try one!" Says the seller. So the man takes a bite and to his surpr...

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A man walks into a bar

He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer the bartender puts an apple on the bar.

The man says "this is an apple I wanted a beer"

The bartender says "lick it!"

The man licks the apple and goes "okay it tastes like an apple"

The bartender says "okay turn it around, and ...

President Trump decided to play Mario Kart with his cabinet

He thought that this would be be a good bonding exercise with his staff so he bought a Wii and ordered his whole office to come into the oval office

Once everyone arrived there was a huge argument on who would play as what character, because everyone wanted to be Mario. Trump decided that thi...

On the day I got married, at the ceremony, I stood up and tapped my glass for everyone to be silent.

I held up a fruit and said nothing, scanning the crowd for any sign of pleasure.

All I got was a series of blank expressions, and I could feel my animosity growing as I searched each person, then the next.

"What's wrong with you all?" I finally shouted. "I thought you guys would love m...

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Bowser gets fed up of his life in a castle and gets a job at the US Government...

in his new job, he quickly rises up to be an influential figure. He uses his newfound powers to (definitely not corruptly) trap peach in a tax evasion scandal, which resulted from her hiding her income in bricks. While she was being held awaiting trial, Mario confronts Bowser in his office, determin...

Impeach.

Hi Peach, I'm Dad.

What is Mario's favorite dessert?

Peach pie.

One day in class Little Johnny irritatedly questioned the teacher......

One day in class the teacher brought a bag. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who pro...

Mario and Luigi

Peach is walking past Mario and Luigi and hears:

"First Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come, then I come a-one more time, the two asses come again, I come a the third time, pee twice, then I come for the last time"

She walks up and slaps him.

"Mario! That's disgusting!"...

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh...

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A roadside stand has a sign that says "PEACHES $5".

A roadside stand has a sign that says "PEACHES $5". A man thinks, "There must be something special about these peaches, I'll check it out." So the man pulls over and says to the one guy standing there. "Hi, I was wondering why these peaches are so expensive. Is there something special about them?"<...

A man amd his wife walk into a store and the wife steals a jar of peaches

Loss prevention catches her however, and pulls them aside to wait for a police officer to show up. Upon arrival, he is told what happened and handed the jar. He then counts how many slices of peach there are, for she is to spend a week in jail for each one. In this case 6. The officer then pulls out...

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

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Tasty Peaches

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and decided to stop.

He thought this has to be bullshit.

So he approac...

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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island.

The natives capture them and tell them if they can stick 10 fruits up their butts they can live. The brunette gets 10 peaches and goes first. She laughs after 3 and is killed. The redhead is up next is shows up with cherries. She gets through 8 then laughs and is also killed. In heaven the redhead a...

A most interesting fellow

A man is walking down the street and runs into a rather strange looking fellow. He's wearing a dark hood obscuring much of his face, so he goes to investigate. He soon realizes that the hooded figure had no face at all.

"Excuse me, sir," the man asked the hooded figure, "do you mind taking o...

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I was in Georgia one time

I saw a sign on the side of the road that said *All Flavors of Georgia Peaches*. I thought "I might as well see what this is" and pulled into the ranch.

I walked up to the man in the ranch house and asked him what this was all about. He replied, "I have every flavor of peach you could think ...

Not Here To Swim...

My uncle Mike owns hundreds of acres of land. In a back corner of that land there is a small lake surrounded by peach trees. One day he decides he'll pick some peaches and relax by the water. So he grabs a peach bucket and starts toward the lake. As he gets closer he hears women screaming and thinki...

What do you call it when a fruit studders?

A peach impediment.

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3 men and 1 genie are stranded on an island

3 men are stranded on an island. they meet a genie who tells them that he will send them back home if they can complete two simple tasks, but if they fail he will kill them. the first task is to go find a fruit.

all men leave and after a while the first men appears with a cherry. the genie te...

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[Long] World's Greatest Peaches!

John was driving across country and see a sign that reads, "World's Greatest Peaches! 100 miles." As John continues to drive he sees another sign that reads, "World's Greatest Peaches! 50 miles." As he keeps driving his stomach growls and he sees another sign, "World's Greatest Peaches! 10 miles." S...

A recent college grad visits a farm one day

A recent college grad visits a farm one day. He approaches the farmer and points to one of the trees.

"You know, with the methods you old farmers use, I'd be surprised if you could get one bushel of apples from that tree" says the college grad.

"I'd be too" the farmer answers. "That's ...

You gotta hand it to Donald Trump...

He's the only orange that makes you say "mmm, peach!"

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Man rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitc...

What's the first amendment in Super Mario's constitution?

Freedom of Peach

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A man was driving along a country road when he saw a sign that read "Peaches, All Flavors, 1 Mile."

A man was driving along a country road when he saw a sign that read "Peaches, All Flavors, 1 Mile." After seeing this he thought to himself, "I gotta see this!" After driving for a mile he saw the stand and pulled off to investigate.

"Hi, I saw your sign and want to know how you can have peac...

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A man goes to the farmer's market

He is checking out some fruit when a vendor starts talking to him.

Vendor: Hey man, I got some special peaches back here that taste just like pussy.
Man: Ha! Bullshit!
Vendor: No really man, here, try one for free.

The vendor then hands the man a peach from a box behind the regul...

Old lady thief....

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".

The judge then ask...

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Kinky old coupld (NSFW)

Grandpa and Grandma have been married for about 40 years.
Their sexual life is not what it used to be and Grandma wants to fix the situation.
While reading a magazine she comes across an advertising for flavored condoms.
She goes to her local pharmacy and buys a whole bunch of different fla...

Shoplifting.

An old lady gets caught shoplifting.
On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replys, "A can of peaches." So the judge trying to figure out how ...

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Three tired travelers stumble across a farm as it is beginning to get dark...

Three tired travelers stumble across a farm as it is beginning to get dark. Exhausted, they decide to stop and ask if there is a place to sleep until morning. A friendly farmer answers the door and says they can sleep in the barn under one circumstance: Nobody is allowed to go up in the loft. The...

Another joke translated to English from my Uncle.

Little "peter" was in class when his teacher was talking about fruits, and she brought up the question, "Which fruits can be sucked on or smothered?"

A boy raised his hand and said, "An orange!" The teacher replied, "yes, correct!"

A girl raised her hand as-well and said, "A peach, te...

A woman was before a Judge for steeling a can of peaches.

**Judge:** "How many peaches were in the tin?"

**Woman:** "4 your honour."

**Judge:** "Very well you will serve a month in prison for each peach inside that tin."

From the back of the courtroom the woman's husband chimes up

**Husband:** "She stole a can of peas too."

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So this girl wants to try out modelling for her 18th birthday.

She convinces her conservative mother to shell out some cash for a famous photographer. The mother agrees - since it's her birthday and all.

When the photographer arrives, he is all agog over the girl. He insists that the photoshoot be just him and the subject. The mother, being a woman of th...

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