John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

If there is watermelon

why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the four elemelons

What do you call a dog that herds watermelons?

A Melon Collie

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

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The Farmer’s Fruits

Three guys are on a road trip and their truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere with only a farm by them, the farmer lets them in and says the only rule was that they couldn’t sleep with his daughter.

That night, all three of them sleep with his daughter. The farmer gets mad and takes the...

What did the watermelon say to the honeydew when it proposed?

Sorry, I cantaloupe

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If Johnny has 3 watermelons in one hand and 7 in the other, what would he have?

Big fucking hands

What do you call a Mailman who only delivers watermelon?

Post Melone

So a group of cacti walk past a couple of watermelons

The cacti say “wow, nice melons!”

The watermelons reply “what a bunch of pricks.”

Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?

It had melonoma

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "H...

Why did the watermelons ask for permission to get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

What did the watermelon say when the honeydew asked it to run away to Vegas and get married?

Sorry I cantaloupe



I made this up eating a green watermelon

Two watermelons fall in love and want to get married.

Alas, weddings of that variety haven't been legalised yet meaning they cantaloupe

Watermelons

A farmer is having trouble with the boys in town eating his watermelons. So he posts a sign that says, "one of my watermelons is poisoned."

The next day he wakes up and finds a sign next to it. "Now 2 are poisoned."

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon and says

“honey, I love you and I just can’t wait to get married. Let’s just run off to the farmers market and get it done.”

And the melon says, “baby I love you too, but I just cantaloupe”

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Bully in HS

High School Principal calls for the father to come to school one morning and he doesn't quite understands what would be the reason...

Getting there, he starts complaining with the receptionist about why he was called to go there.

Dad: Lady, I don't know why the principal called me here...

Why did the Honeydew princess stay and marry Duke Watermelon instead of running off with her true love?

She cantaloupe

What's green on the outside, red on the inside, and has watermelon seeds?

A watermelon!
Now,
What's green on the outside, red on the inside, has watermelon seeds, and isn't a watermelon?
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Half a watermelon.
That's my dad's favorite joke.

Best Worst Joke Ever: How do you get water into a watermelon?

You plant it...in the spring!

(Translated from polish) During a math class, teacher was asking first graders how many watermelons could they lift if one of them weighted about 3kg

Teacher: How many watermelons could you lift Sarah?

-I can lift one watermelon in my hands.

Teacher: Very good. What about you Tom?

-I could lift two watermelons! First one in my left hand and second one in my right hand.

Teacher: Great! And you Jonathan?

-I could ...

Watermelons

A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell. At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left and he isn't looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning. He comes up wi...

The watermelon is 50% water.

The other 50% is melon.

Don't mess with the farmer

It's a Friday, and there are three travelers. They were traveling down the road when it started to storm. They came across a farm. They knocked on the door and a man answered. "Please allow us to stay here for the weekend. We are tired and exhausted." The travelers pleaded. "Okay, fine. I'll let you...

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the wate...

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

Where do watermelons and cantaloupes go for the summer?

John Cougar Mellen-camp

What’s the difference between a watermelon and a baby’s head?

I don’t know! I’m asking you!

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a watermelon patch?

>!Melanie!<

Two melons are in love...

After decades of conflict and war, the people of Watermelon Kingdom and Cataloupe Country are trying to ease diplomatic tensions between their peoples. A student exchange program is started to foster cross-cultural understanding.

Through the exchange program, Wally Watermelon meets Cassandra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which race eats the most watermelon?

The human race, you racist asshole!

I can’t believe that there’s people that don’t eat the crust.

Like wtf it’s part of the food, it’s fantastic even if it doesn’t taste the same a the rest of the watermelon.

Why did the watermelon get left at the altar?

Because his fiance cantelope.

3 men venture into the forest and come upon a cannibal tribe.

The cannibals capture the three men and bring him to their leader.

King cannibal: I will allow you to leave without being eaten if you can complete my challenge. Find 10 fruits in the forest, and bring them back. Then you will hear it.

The men leave, get their fruits. The first back b...

A n old farmer grows watermelons

However, every night, a group of kids would sneak into his farm at night and eat some of his produce. One day the farmer gets fed up with this and places down a sign in the field saying "Warning: one of these watermelons has been injected with cyanide". He then waits. Night passes and the farmer exc...

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How is a girl eating watermelon like a girl giving a blowjob? NSFW

She's going to end up spitting some seeds!

I pick my women like I pick my watermelon.

A little rough with a discolored bottom and heavier than the appear.

Forgive me for this...

One hot summer day, a cop gets a call about an indecent exposure. He rushes over to the address and is directed to the house next door where he sees an old woman, eating watermelon, dress hitched up to her waist, and no underwear on.

He walks up the driveway towards this woman about to arrest...

Watermelons are the most philosophical fruit...

Cause they're like, "Watermelons"


@caredee

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A guy walks into a market and ask for the half of a watermelon.

The produce employee tells him that they only sell full watermelons, the guy ask again but he gets the same answer.

So he tells the employee to ask to his supervisor, the employee agrees(without noticing that the customer is behind him all the time).

When the employee meets the supervi...

There was a farmer who grew watermelons...

He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor

The man told the doctor he had a kingdom of ants inside his butt the doctor told him to bring a fruit to attract the ants outside his butt. The man went home and placed a watermelon near his butt the ant king came out and tasted the watermelon


Then the ant king shouted:BOYS BRING IT IN

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.

She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

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I started working at a Watermelon street market booth.

My first customer was I guy really big. Seriously built, kind of like The Rock but taller.

He asks:

\_How much for the watermelon?

\_ 8 dollars.

\_ Okay, I want half. Here's $4.

\_Sir, we only sell entire watermelons. For 8 bucks.

\_ I am telling you tha...

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

If 2020 was a math problem.

You are flying over the desert at 180 KPH, You are flying Due north with the wind coming from the west at 40 KPH. The current is flowing at 30 knots due east. How many 20 lb watermelons will fill a football field during the full moon?

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes...

What's the difference between a boy watermelon and a girl watermelon?

One's seedless, one's not.

If Harry Styles founded a school...

...he'd call it Watermelon Sugar High.

"I wish I had the money to buy a million watermelons..."

"What will you do with a million watermelons?"

"I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't believe my friend's story about the time he fit a whole watermelon up his ass.

It's just too much of a stretch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The marketing lesson

This really happened, at least by what I've heard. A guy went to the market and saw a stand selling watermelons with a cardboard reading: "1 melon - 3$, 3 melon - 10$".

He decided to teach the seller a math lesson and bought a melon for 3$. Then he said "you know what, I would like one more" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

The Watermelon Farmer

A watermelon farmer had a thief that would steal a few of his watermelons each year. Year after year it was the same thing, during harvest season a few of his watermelons would constantly be stolen. No matter what he tried to do, he was not able to catch the thief. So one year he finally got tire...

What's big, round, firm and juicy and almost everybody likes to eat it?

Watermelon

What did you think?

A Watermelon's Proposal

The watermelon asks his girlfriend, "Honeydew you want to get married?"

The girlfriend says, "Oh yes! But we cantaloupe."


This idea was sparked by [this original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14reag/what_did_the_melon_tell_her_boyfriend_when_he/) by /u/eddiesuarez.

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?

It wanted to become a watermelon

Questions on the new quarantine math test

If johnny has 30 watermelons, and is forbidden to contact or interact with any other people for 21 days, how many watermelons is he left with?

There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses.

One has a wife and farms honeydew.


The second has a husband and sells watermelon.


The third cantaloupe.

A Guy Is fed up with his case of intestinal Worms

He decided its about time to have things checked out.


He goes and visits his local doctor, the doctor prescribes him medication.
He heads home and and struggles for weeks, to no avail.


He goes and visits a famous diagnostician, who tells him that the worms have grown f...

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3 men are traveling at night in the country when their car breaks down.

They see a house and push the car into the gravel drive way.

One of men goes to the door and rings the door bell. A farmer and his daughter answer the door and the man explains the situation.

The farmer agrees to let the 3 of them stay in his barn overnight just as long as they don't ...

Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One’s fun to hit with a sledgehammer and the other is a tasty snack.

Ants in your tummy

A guy complained to his doctor about stomach pain and after a quick x-ray his doctor tells him he has ants living in his lower intestines. The doctor tells him to buy a watermelon and poke a hole in it and sit on the hole so the queen ant can come down, taste it, and call out the rest of the ants so...

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This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

There are three rockstars on a plane

There are three rockstars on a plane. To celebrate the success of their recent tour they each decided to throw something out of the plane. The first throws a watermelon, the second throws yogurt, and the third throws a bomb. When they land they decide to go on a walk. The come across a boy in his ya...

How are a train and a bicycle similar?

You can't make watermelon juice with none of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl is cuddling with her boyfriend watching TV and says...

\-Tell me something sweet.

\- Watermelon.

\-Nooooo, something I'd like.

\-Shoes.

\-Noooo, something sexy.

\-Your sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in the forest and are found by a group of cannibals

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits....

Math

Math the only world were you can buy 140 watermelons without your motives being questioned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys want to date a farmers daughter

There’s a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy. When they confront the farmer and he says

“Okay I’ll tell you what. You three go out and pick 100 things from my farm. If you can shove all 100 up your ass you can date my daughter. If you can’t I’ll shoot ya.”

They all accept and th...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A truck driver was driving down the road

He read a small sign nailed to a light pole that said “peaches that taste like everything and anything.” Curious, the truck driver drove down the road that the sign was nailed to and came across and old man with a little setup in front of a farm. The truck driver parked his truck and went over to ...

A friend of mine once said "the only food that can make you cry is an onion"

That was until I hit him in the face with a watermelon

A man goes on vacation and comes back home with stomach pain...

He goes to see a doctor, and after some testing, the doctor informs the man that he has worms in his stomach. The man begs the doctor for a remedy; so the doctor tells him to go to the market and get the sweetest watermelon he can find. After that, the doctor tells the man to go home, remove his clo...

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are trapped in a burning building...

They manage to make it to the roof, but the flames are climbing higher. The volunteer fire department arrives and sees them standing up on the roof. So they grab a huge safety blanket and stretch it out between them. "Jump!" one guy yells. "It's the only way to safety! We'll catch you!"

So th...

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3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

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