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Watermelon Jokes

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

If there is watermelon

why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the four elemelons

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

What do you call a Mailman who only delivers watermelon?

Post Melone

What did the watermelon say when the honeydew asked it to run away to Vegas and get married?

Sorry I cantaloupe



I made this up eating a green watermelon

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

What's green on the outside, red on the inside, and has watermelon seeds?

A watermelon!
Now,
What's green on the outside, red on the inside, has watermelon seeds, and isn't a watermelon?
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Half a watermelon.
That's my dad's favorite joke.

What do you call a dog that herds watermelons?

A Melon Collie

Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?

It had melonoma

Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he ma...

What’s the difference between a watermelon and a zippo?

Watermelons are pretty heavy, while zippos are a little lighter

So a group of cacti walk past a couple of watermelons

The cacti say “wow, nice melons!”

The watermelons reply “what a bunch of pricks.”

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the wate...

What did the watermelon say to the honeydew when it proposed?

Sorry, I cantaloupe

Where did Harry Styles go to school?

Watermelon Sugar High

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers…..

the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter, "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

What’s the difference between a watermelon and a baby’s head?

I don’t know! I’m asking you!

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

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Flies

A priest was walking by little Johnnys house and saw the boy outside eating watermelon and swatting flies saying, " flies, Flies, I hate these useless flies" so the priest stops and says,
" Nothing is useless in God's eyes Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "if I can nam...

A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make him cry.

So I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a watermelon patch?

>!Melanie!<

Why did the Honeydew princess stay and marry Duke Watermelon instead of running off with her true love?

She cantaloupe

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A guy walks into a market and ask for the half of a watermelon.

The produce employee tells him that they only sell full watermelons, the guy ask again but he gets the same answer.

So he tells the employee to ask to his supervisor, the employee agrees(without noticing that the customer is behind him all the time).

When the employee meets the supervi...

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

Why did the watermelon get left at the altar?

Because his fiance cantelope.

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon and says

“honey, I love you and I just can’t wait to get married. Let’s just run off to the farmers market and get it done.”

And the melon says, “baby I love you too, but I just cantaloupe”

I pick my women like I pick my watermelon.

A little rough with a discolored bottom and heavier than the appear.

On a hot Ramadan day...

On a hot Ramadan day, the Bektashi and his friend are caught by the police while eating watermelon in public. Both are taken to the police station. The commissioner asks the friend:

"It's the holy month of Ramadan, aren't you ashamed to eat openly?"

The friend, with a bowed head, can't...

How does Homer Simpson say watermelon in French?

Melon D'OH

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I don't believe my friend's story about the time he fit a whole watermelon up his .

It's just too much of a stretch.

Two watermelons fall in love and want to get married.

Alas, weddings of that variety haven't been legalised yet meaning they cantaloupe

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Which race eats the most watermelon?

The human race, you racist !

Why couldn't the watermelon get married in Vegas?

Because his fiancee is a cantaloupe!

Comedian Gallagher, Famous for Smashing Watermelons, dies at 76

He wasn't as good as Smashing Pumpkins, but he made a splash.

What do pumpkins, watermelons, and cantaloupes in the path of a steamroller have in common?

They all end up as squash.

Ba dum tiss.

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

Watermelons

A farmer is having trouble with the boys in town eating his watermelons. So he posts a sign that says, "one of my watermelons is poisoned."

The next day he wakes up and finds a sign next to it. "Now 2 are poisoned."

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A man went to a community garden…

…one full of fresh fruits. Just before he left he saw some plums and took one. A worker saw him and said “You’re not allowed to take any of the fruit here, it’s clear in the rules, as punishment for trying stealing this plum, I’ll shove it up your .” The man started laughing and the worker asked ...

My fiancée wants us to skip town and get married, but I think we should harvest our melon crop first

Honeydew you even know watermelon farm entails? We cantaloupe now.

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If Johnny has 3 watermelons in one hand and 7 in the other, what would he have?

Big hands

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"...

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon...

Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).



Both were denied.

This is actually true.

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Bully in HS

High School Principal calls for the father to come to school one morning and he doesn't quite understands what would be the reason...

Getting there, he starts complaining with the receptionist about why he was called to go there.

Dad: Lady, I don't know why the principal called me here...

Best Worst Joke Ever: How do you get water into a watermelon?

You plant it...in the spring!

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I started working at a Watermelon street market booth.

My first customer was I guy really big. Seriously built, kind of like The Rock but taller.

He asks:

\_How much for the watermelon?

\_ 8 dollars.

\_ Okay, I want half. Here's $4.

\_Sir, we only sell entire watermelons. For 8 bucks.

\_ I am telling you tha...

Watermelons are the most philosophical fruit...

Cause they're like, "Watermelons"


@caredee

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A guy with worms up his goes to see a doctor.

Guy: Doc, these worms be killing me, what can we do ??

Doc: Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the worm leader gets a taste, He'll call his buddies to join him out.

And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the worm leader crawls out for little tast...

Knock knock.....

*hmm...that's a nice ripe watermelon*

I can’t believe that there’s people that don’t eat the crust.

Like wtf it’s part of the food, it’s fantastic even if it doesn’t taste the same a the rest of the watermelon.

A Watermelon's Proposal

The watermelon asks his girlfriend, "Honeydew you want to get married?"

The girlfriend says, "Oh yes! But we cantaloupe."


This idea was sparked by [this original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14reag/what_did_the_melon_tell_her_boyfriend_when_he/) by /u/eddiesuarez.

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Guide to pooping at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2013 Survival Guide for taking a du...

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A lady walks into a grocery store.

She says hello and looks around the place for five minutes. Finally she walks up to the owner and says,

'Good morning sir. I was wondering if you have any broccoli left.'

'Really sorry ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli. We might have some more tomorrow.'

'Oh. I see.'

Des...

If watermelon has water in it...

Then what does a kumquat have?

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

Where do watermelons and cantaloupes go for the summer?

John Cougar Mellen-camp

It's What's in the Inside

"Tell me, what do you look for in a man?"

"Honey, I like my man the same way I like my watermelon."

\-----

He thought about this for a moment.

"That's an interesting analogy, and one *I've* never heard before." "I like the way you think."

"Oh yeah?? You know what...

A man got worms in his stomach

He went to all the doctors available but non could give him the proper treatment so he decided to go to some wise old man , the man told him " simple , go and buy the sweetest watermelon you can buy , cut it in half and sit on it , Naked . So the leader of the worms would go down to taste the waterm...

"I wish I had the money to buy a million watermelons..."

"What will you do with a million watermelons?"

"I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."

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A man went to the doctor

The man told the doctor he had a kingdom of ants inside his the doctor told him to bring a fruit to attract the ants outside his . The man went home and placed a watermelon near his the ant king came out and tasted the watermelon


Then the ant king shouted:BOYS BRING IT IN

Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One’s fun to hit with a sledgehammer and the other is a tasty snack.

Watermelons

A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell. At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left and he isn't looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning. He comes up wi...

A Taste All of its Own

I love it wet, juicy and a nice pink/red color. Sometimes it gets my fingers and face wet and sticky, but I don't mind. I love Watermelon anyway.

Two melons are in love...

After decades of conflict and war, the people of Watermelon Kingdom and Cataloupe Country are trying to ease diplomatic tensions between their peoples. A student exchange program is started to foster cross-cultural understanding.

Through the exchange program, Wally Watermelon meets Cassandra...

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Lifesavers: the candy with the little hole

The teacher distributes the candy to the children and they begin to identify the flavors by their color and taste.

Red is cherry, yellow is pineapple, green is watermelon, orange is orange.

The teacher gives them all honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. Th...

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.

She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

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A girl is cuddling with her boyfriend watching TV and says...

\-Tell me something sweet.

\- Watermelon.

\-Nooooo, something I'd like.

\-Shoes.

\-Noooo, something .

\-Your sister.

A Guy Is fed up with his case of intestinal Worms

He decided its about time to have things checked out.


He goes and visits his local doctor, the doctor prescribes him medication.
He heads home and and struggles for weeks, to no avail.


He goes and visits a famous diagnostician, who tells him that the worms have grown f...

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[Long] [] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses.

One has a wife and farms honeydew.


The second has a husband and sells watermelon.


The third cantaloupe.

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?

It wanted to become a watermelon

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When I was a teen, i'd have with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for .

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

Forgive me for this...

One hot summer day, a cop gets a call about an indecent exposure. He rushes over to the address and is directed to the house next door where he sees an old woman, eating watermelon, dress hitched up to her waist, and no underwear on.

He walks up the driveway towards this woman about to arrest...

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...
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