John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?

It had melonoma

A farmer kept getting water melons stolen, so one day he puts a sign up that says 'one of these watermelons is poisoned' next day he gets up and goes out to work in his watermelon patch and sees another sign

'now there are two'

Why did Romeo Watermelon and Juliette Honeydew commit suicide?

They cantaloupe.

Why can't 2 watermelons get married?

because they cantaloupe.

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The marketing lesson

This really happened, at least by what I've heard. A guy went to the market and saw a stand selling watermelons with a cardboard reading: "1 melon - 3$, 3 melon - 10$".

He decided to teach the seller a math lesson and bought a melon for 3$. Then he said "you know what, I would like one more" ...

So a group of cacti walk past a couple of watermelons

The cacti say “wow, nice melons!”

The watermelons reply “what a bunch of pricks.”

What did the watermelon say when the honeydew asked it to run away together?

We cantaloupe!

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a watermelon patch?

>!Melanie!<

Why did the Honeydew princess stay and marry Duke Watermelon instead of running off with her true love?

She cantaloupe

They say watermelon is 99% water,

but it's literally 50%..

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the wate...

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

Why did the watermelon get left at the altar?

Because his fiance cantelope.

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

What's the difference between a watermelon and a babys head?

One's fun to smash with a hammer and the other one tastes good

There are three rockstars on a plane

There are three rockstars on a plane. To celebrate the success of their recent tour they each decided to throw something out of the plane. The first throws a watermelon, the second throws yogurt, and the third throws a bomb. When they land they decide to go on a walk. The come across a boy in his ya...

What's green on the outside, red on the inside, and has watermelon seeds?

A watermelon!
Now,
What's green on the outside, red on the inside, has watermelon seeds, and isn't a watermelon?
.
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.
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.
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.
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.
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.
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Half a watermelon.
That's my dad's favorite joke.

If watermelon has water in it...

Then what does a kumquat have?

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How is a girl eating watermelon like a girl giving a blowjob? NSFW

She's going to end up spitting some seeds!

I pick my women like I pick my watermelon.

A little rough with a discolored bottom and heavier than the appear.

Two honeydew melons in a patch had just met, but immediately fell madly in love with each other.

One of the melons came from a strict and abusive family, and desparately wanted to get married. The other melon loved her so much, that he went to the father's patch to ask his permission to marry.

"Sir, I am in love with your daughter, and I wish to marry her. Do I have your permission?", th...

Watermelons are the most philosophical fruit...

Cause they're like, "Watermelons"


@caredee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which race eats the most watermelon?

The human race, you racist asshole!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl is cuddling with her boyfriend watching TV and says...

\-Tell me something sweet.

\- Watermelon.

\-Nooooo, something I'd like.

\-Shoes.

\-Noooo, something sexy.

\-Your sister.

I don't understand why people don't eat the crust. It's just another part of the food.

I think it tastes amazing just like the rest of the watermelon.

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

Math

Math the only world were you can buy 140 watermelons without your motives being questioned.

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

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A guy walks into a market and ask for the half of a watermelon.

The produce employee tells him that they only sell full watermelons, the guy ask again but he gets the same answer.

So he tells the employee to ask to his supervisor, the employee agrees(without noticing that the customer is behind him all the time).

When the employee meets the supervi...

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

A watermelon committed suicide!!

Because, It couldn't handle all the MELONcholy in its life.

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

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3 Boys were lost in the forest,

They were walking through the dark forest and they see a cabin, they walk uo to the small shack and bang on the door.

An old man answered and let them in and sat them down, he said they could sleep there for a night, but the only if none of them went near his daughter, they all agreed and wen...

Why’s billy in the hospital?

“Well he said the only food that could make you cry was an onion..”

“And?”

“So, I threw a watermelon at his head”

There was a farmer who grew watermelons...

He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. T...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

A man goes on vacation and comes back home with stomach pain...

He goes to see a doctor, and after some testing, the doctor informs the man that he has worms in his stomach. The man begs the doctor for a remedy; so the doctor tells him to go to the market and get the sweetest watermelon he can find. After that, the doctor tells the man to go home, remove his clo...

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Three guys want to date a farmers daughter

There’s a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy. When they confront the farmer and he says

“Okay I’ll tell you what. You three go out and pick 100 things from my farm. If you can shove all 100 up your ass you can date my daughter. If you can’t I’ll shoot ya.”

They all accept and th...

The Watermelon Farmer

A watermelon farmer had a thief that would steal a few of his watermelons each year. Year after year it was the same thing, during harvest season a few of his watermelons would constantly be stolen. No matter what he tried to do, he was not able to catch the thief. So one year he finally got tire...

How does Homer Simpson say watermelon in French?

Melon D'OH

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

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3 adventurers got capture by the natives...

After capturing them, the native informed the adventurers that they can to pick any fruit (1) that they want. After the adventurers chose their fruits, the native then tell them that they will be release if they manage to put the fruit they chose inside their butt hole without dying.

\-The fi...

"I wish I had the money to buy a million watermelons..."

"What will you do with a million watermelons?"

"I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."

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I don't believe my friend's story about the time he fit a whole watermelon up his ass.

It's just too much of a stretch.

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are trapped in a burning building...

They manage to make it to the roof, but the flames are climbing higher. The volunteer fire department arrives and sees them standing up on the roof. So they grab a huge safety blanket and stretch it out between them. "Jump!" one guy yells. "It's the only way to safety! We'll catch you!"

So th...

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3 boys and a farmer

3 boys are on a long journey and need a place to sleep for the night

They come across an old farm and ask the farmer to help them on their journey and let them sleep there.

The farmer agrees but says this “You may sleep at my house but if you sleep with my daughter the there will be s...

Besides watermelon, there should be windmelon, firemelon and earthmelon.

The four elemelons.

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Three men get lost in the forest and are found by a group of cannibals

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits....

How do you get the water in a watermelon?

Plant it in the spring.

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

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3 men are traveling at night in the country when their car breaks down.

They see a house and push the car into the gravel drive way.

One of men goes to the door and rings the door bell. A farmer and his daughter answer the door and the man explains the situation.

The farmer agrees to let the 3 of them stay in his barn overnight just as long as they don't ...

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A truck driver was driving down the road

He read a small sign nailed to a light pole that said “peaches that taste like everything and anything.” Curious, the truck driver drove down the road that the sign was nailed to and came across and old man with a little setup in front of a farm. The truck driver parked his truck and went over to ...

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3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

A Watermelon's Proposal

The watermelon asks his girlfriend, "Honeydew you want to get married?"

The girlfriend says, "Oh yes! But we cantaloupe."


This idea was sparked by [this original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14reag/what_did_the_melon_tell_her_boyfriend_when_he/) by /u/eddiesuarez.

When do you stop at green and go at red?

When you’re eating watermelon.

Onions

My friend told me that onions are the only edible plant that can make you cry.

I bludgeoned his head with a watermelon.

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

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A grocer is arranging vegetables in the produce section of his store..

When a woman taps him on the shoulder to say "Excuse me, sir, but where would I find some broccoli?" The man replies "Ma'am, I'm sorry but we just ran out of broccoli. The woman nods and leaves the man to arrange the vegetables.

A few minutes later, the same woman taps the grocer on the shou...

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John and Tom are captured by an indigenous African tribe

They are brought to the chief who says: "If you not want dead, you bring me 100 fruits”

The two prisoners then go to the jungle in order to collect the fruits.

John soon finishes and brings a 100 cherries.
“Shove them in you ass without making sound.”, the chief ordered.

John...

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3 guys are shipwrecked on an island full of cannibals

The cannibals catch them and say"bring us 10 fruits or we will kill you" the first man comes back with ten carrots the cannibals tell him"we'll stick them all up your ass if you dont move a muscle we'll let you live" they force the first one up his ass he doesnt say anything but as soon as they tou...

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Two men steal food delivery trucks,

Later they get pulled over by the police who recognized the stolen trucks.
They get the first man out and start punishing him by putting the olives that were in the truck inside his ass.
The man starts laughing and can't control himself, so a policeman shouts at him " WHAT'S SO FUNNY ? "
Th...

Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a brief silence when...

Water melon and flies

There's a little girl who rides her bike up and down her street every day. *mind you it's the deep south and mid-summer* and she's see's the same middle aged overweight woman eating watermelon on her front porch in her moo-moo and the woman just so happens to not be wearing underwear. Any of these d...

A boy is walking home with groceries and his border collie...

... and he comes across a pool of toxic waste.
Absolutely shocked at this sight, he dropped his groceries and let go of his dog. His dog wasn't the smartest, and it jumped into the toxic waste. The boy's groceries also fell in. After finally recovering, the boy called the cops to report both h...

A man dies and is sent to hell.

A man dies and is sent to hell. Satan greets him and shows him a series of doors. "While our job is to torture you and make you suffer for all eternity, we also treating our guests well. Hence, we would like to offer you a choice in how you would like to be tortured," said the devil.

Satan op...

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John, Jack and Jeff visit the queen with gifts...

... John has got an orange. The queen gets mad. Tells the guards to shove the orange up John’s arse.

Next, Jack comes up to the queen with a banana. Queen gets furious. Shoves the banana up his arse.

Then Jeff comes with a mango. Queen is mad again. Up goes the mango in Jeff’s arse....

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The bar

A man walks into a bar and buys a drink.

He notices a large glass container filled with money and asks the bartender:

“What is that glass container for?”

The bartender replies:

“We have a game here in this bar that no one has ever beat. To play you must pay $50.”

T...

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Two men are walking down a country road.

They come upon a farmhouse. Exhausted from their journey, they decide to seek food and lodgings. They knock on the door and are greeted with a smile.

"Might we trouble you for a meal and a place to sleep?" they ask.

"Sure!" the farmer responds, "But you'll have to harvest one hundred o...

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The Lion, King of the jungle is having his birthday party!

He furiously instructs the leopard to not let anyone inside his party except if they bring meat and if they don’t, he must shove whatever meal they brought up their ass! The leopard, with a smirk on his face, nods in agreement.

The next day everyone in the jungle are gathered for the party, ...

Whats every Dad's favorite fruit?

Watermelon (water my lawn)

How can you tell when you're in a math problem?

Your pickup is full of watermelons, and your need to find out how much orange juice costs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dutch, A German and A French stranded on an Island..

They Screamed "Help!" Into the Jungle but nobody answered.
The next day they did the same but nobody answered and nobody came to help. The next day they did it again and finally someone came to help them. It were some native people who lived there for a looong time. The leader of them said in a p...

Off With The Panties

Two neighbor women are taking their weekly walk together, when one of the women begins to complain about the heat.

The other lady states, "I took my panties off three blocks ago, and now I'm much cooler. You should really try it." "I don't know. That seems kind of weird, but I guess I'll try...

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