John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

(Translated from polish) During a math class, teacher was asking first graders how many watermelons could they lift if one of them weighted about 3kg

Teacher: How many watermelons could you lift Sarah?

-I can lift one watermelon in my hands.

Teacher: Very good. What about you Tom?

-I could lift two watermelons! First one in my left hand and second one in my right hand.

Teacher: Great! And you Jonathan?

-I could ...

So a group of cacti walk past a couple of watermelons

The cacti say “wow, nice melons!”

The watermelons reply “what a bunch of pricks.”

If there is watermelon

why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the four elemelons

Where do watermelons and cantaloupes go for the summer?

John Cougar Mellen-camp

I can’t believe that there’s people that don’t eat the crust.

Like wtf it’s part of the food, it’s fantastic even if it doesn’t taste the same a the rest of the watermelon.

Best Worst Joke Ever: How do you get water into a watermelon?

You plant it...in the spring!

What’s the difference between a watermelon and a baby’s head?

I don’t know! I’m asking you!

What do you call a dog that herds watermelons?

A Melon Collie

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?

It had melonoma

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

What did the watermelon say to her honeydew when he asked her to run away together?

Sorry, I cantaloupe.

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon and says

“honey, I love you and I just can’t wait to get married. Let’s just run off to the farmers market and get it done.”

And the melon says, “baby I love you too, but I just cantaloupe”

A n old farmer grows watermelons

However, every night, a group of kids would sneak into his farm at night and eat some of his produce. One day the farmer gets fed up with this and places down a sign in the field saying "Warning: one of these watermelons has been injected with cyanide". He then waits. Night passes and the farmer exc...

If 2020 was a math problem.

You are flying over the desert at 180 KPH, You are flying Due north with the wind coming from the west at 40 KPH. The current is flowing at 30 knots due east. How many 20 lb watermelons will fill a football field during the full moon?

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes...

3 men venture into the forest and come upon a cannibal tribe.

The cannibals capture the three men and bring him to their leader.

King cannibal: I will allow you to leave without being eaten if you can complete my challenge. Find 10 fruits in the forest, and bring them back. Then you will hear it.

The men leave, get their fruits. The first back b...

Why can't 2 watermelons get married?

because they cantaloupe.

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A man went to the doctor

The man told the doctor he had a kingdom of ants inside his butt the doctor told him to bring a fruit to attract the ants outside his butt. The man went home and placed a watermelon near his butt the ant king came out and tasted the watermelon


Then the ant king shouted:BOYS BRING IT IN

What's green on the outside, red on the inside, and has watermelon seeds?

A watermelon!
Now,
What's green on the outside, red on the inside, has watermelon seeds, and isn't a watermelon?
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Half a watermelon.
That's my dad's favorite joke.

Watermelons

A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell. At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left and he isn't looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning. He comes up wi...

The watermelon is 50% water.

The other 50% is melon.

Ants in your tummy

A guy complained to his doctor about stomach pain and after a quick x-ray his doctor tells him he has ants living in his lower intestines. The doctor tells him to buy a watermelon and poke a hole in it and sit on the hole so the queen ant can come down, taste it, and call out the rest of the ants so...

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the wate...

Why did the Honeydew princess stay and marry Duke Watermelon instead of running off with her true love?

She cantaloupe

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.

She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

Why did the watermelon get left at the altar?

Because his fiance cantelope.

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a watermelon patch?

>!Melanie!<

Watermelons are the most philosophical fruit...

Cause they're like, "Watermelons"


@caredee

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?

It wanted to become a watermelon

A Guy Is fed up with his case of intestinal Worms

He decided its about time to have things checked out.


He goes and visits his local doctor, the doctor prescribes him medication.
He heads home and and struggles for weeks, to no avail.


He goes and visits a famous diagnostician, who tells him that the worms have grown f...

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

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The marketing lesson

This really happened, at least by what I've heard. A guy went to the market and saw a stand selling watermelons with a cardboard reading: "1 melon - 3$, 3 melon - 10$".

He decided to teach the seller a math lesson and bought a melon for 3$. Then he said "you know what, I would like one more" ...

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

I pick my women like I pick my watermelon.

A little rough with a discolored bottom and heavier than the appear.

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Which race eats the most watermelon?

The human race, you racist asshole!

I just explained to my socially conservative friend that watermelons are more than 90% water.

He said, “I’m never eating a kumquat again.”

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

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A guy walks into a market and ask for the half of a watermelon.

The produce employee tells him that they only sell full watermelons, the guy ask again but he gets the same answer.

So he tells the employee to ask to his supervisor, the employee agrees(without noticing that the customer is behind him all the time).

When the employee meets the supervi...

There was a farmer who grew watermelons...

He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. T...

There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses.

One has a wife and farms honeydew.


The second has a husband and sells watermelon.


The third cantaloupe.

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What do watermelons and Khloe Kardashian's vagina have in common?

They're both pink in the middle and full of black seeds

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

If I had a nickel for every watermelon I've chucked at my neighbors window.

I still wouldn't have enough bail money for a vandalism lawsuit.

"I wish I had the money to buy a million watermelons..."

"What will you do with a million watermelons?"

"I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."

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I don't believe my friend's story about the time he fit a whole watermelon up his ass.

It's just too much of a stretch.

The Watermelon Farmer

A watermelon farmer had a thief that would steal a few of his watermelons each year. Year after year it was the same thing, during harvest season a few of his watermelons would constantly be stolen. No matter what he tried to do, he was not able to catch the thief. So one year he finally got tire...

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This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

How are a train and a bicycle similar?

You can't make watermelon juice with none of them.

There are three rockstars on a plane

There are three rockstars on a plane. To celebrate the success of their recent tour they each decided to throw something out of the plane. The first throws a watermelon, the second throws yogurt, and the third throws a bomb. When they land they decide to go on a walk. The come across a boy in his ya...

A Watermelon's Proposal

The watermelon asks his girlfriend, "Honeydew you want to get married?"

The girlfriend says, "Oh yes! But we cantaloupe."


This idea was sparked by [this original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14reag/what_did_the_melon_tell_her_boyfriend_when_he/) by /u/eddiesuarez.

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Cinderella and the watermelon

Cinderella desperately wants to go to the ball at the prince's castle.
Fairy Godmother appears and decides to help her.
She uses her magic to create a coach trained by beautiful white horses and to make a beautiful dress appear in front of the young girl.
Cinderella is very happy, but the f...

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A girl is cuddling with her boyfriend watching TV and says...

\-Tell me something sweet.

\- Watermelon.

\-Nooooo, something I'd like.

\-Shoes.

\-Noooo, something sexy.

\-Your sister.

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

Math

Math the only world were you can buy 140 watermelons without your motives being questioned.

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Three guys want to date a farmers daughter

There’s a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy. When they confront the farmer and he says

“Okay I’ll tell you what. You three go out and pick 100 things from my farm. If you can shove all 100 up your ass you can date my daughter. If you can’t I’ll shoot ya.”

They all accept and th...

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Three men get lost in the forest and are found by a group of cannibals

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits....

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

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3 adventurers got capture by the natives...

After capturing them, the native informed the adventurers that they can to pick any fruit (1) that they want. After the adventurers chose their fruits, the native then tell them that they will be release if they manage to put the fruit they chose inside their butt hole without dying.

\-The fi...

A man goes on vacation and comes back home with stomach pain...

He goes to see a doctor, and after some testing, the doctor informs the man that he has worms in his stomach. The man begs the doctor for a remedy; so the doctor tells him to go to the market and get the sweetest watermelon he can find. After that, the doctor tells the man to go home, remove his clo...

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3 Boys were lost in the forest,

They were walking through the dark forest and they see a cabin, they walk uo to the small shack and bang on the door.

An old man answered and let them in and sat them down, he said they could sleep there for a night, but the only if none of them went near his daughter, they all agreed and wen...

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

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3 men are traveling at night in the country when their car breaks down.

They see a house and push the car into the gravel drive way.

One of men goes to the door and rings the door bell. A farmer and his daughter answer the door and the man explains the situation.

The farmer agrees to let the 3 of them stay in his barn overnight just as long as they don't ...

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are trapped in a burning building...

They manage to make it to the roof, but the flames are climbing higher. The volunteer fire department arrives and sees them standing up on the roof. So they grab a huge safety blanket and stretch it out between them. "Jump!" one guy yells. "It's the only way to safety! We'll catch you!"

So th...

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A truck driver was driving down the road

He read a small sign nailed to a light pole that said “peaches that taste like everything and anything.” Curious, the truck driver drove down the road that the sign was nailed to and came across and old man with a little setup in front of a farm. The truck driver parked his truck and went over to ...

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3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

A friend of mine once said "the only food that can make you cry is an onion"

That was until I hit him in the face with a watermelon

When do you stop at green and go at red?

When you’re eating watermelon.

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

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3 boys and a farmer

3 boys are on a long journey and need a place to sleep for the night

They come across an old farm and ask the farmer to help them on their journey and let them sleep there.

The farmer agrees but says this “You may sleep at my house but if you sleep with my daughter the there will be s...

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A guy from Finland, Sweden and Norway get stranded on an island

The natives on the island capture the three guys and when the leader sees them he says to them: We'll let you go if you can get us 10 fruits or vegetables and bring them here.

The Norwegian finds 10 apples and when he brings them to the natives the leader says to him: "Ok, now put them up yo...

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