The 72+ Best Watermelon Jokes

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

If there is watermelon

why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the four elemelons

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

What do you call a Mailman who only delivers watermelon?

Post Melone

What do you call a dog that herds watermelons?

A Melon Collie

Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he ma...

Comedian Gallagher, Famous for Smashing Watermelons, dies at 76

He wasn't as good as Smashing Pumpkins, but he made a splash.

A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make him cry.

So I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

What do pumpkins, watermelons, and cantaloupes in the path of a steamroller have in common?

They all end up as squash.

Ba dum tiss.

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a we...

Two watermelons fall in love and want to get married.

Alas, weddings of that variety haven't been legalised yet meaning they cantaloupe

What's green on the outside, red on the inside, and has watermelon seeds?

A watermelon!
Now,
What's green on the outside, red on the inside, has watermelon seeds, and isn't a watermelon?
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Half a watermelon.
That's my dad's favorite joke.

So a group of cacti walk past a couple of watermelons

The cacti say “wow, nice melons!”

The watermelons reply “what a bunch of pricks.”

What’s the difference between a watermelon and a zippo?

Watermelons are pretty heavy, while zippos are a little lighter

My fiancée wants us to skip town and get married, but I think we should harvest our melon crop first

Honeydew you even know watermelon farm entails? We cantaloupe now.

A German a French and an English man crash with their plane on an island.

Immediately they start to explore the island and encounter a native tribe.

The chieftain of the tribe commands everyone of those 3 to get into the jungle and gather 2 different kinds of fruits, otherwise he has to banish them from the island.

First the English man arrives back at the c...

What did the watermelon say to the honeydew when it proposed?

Sorry, I cantaloupe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which race eats the most watermelon?

The human race, you racist asshole!

Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?

It had melonoma

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers…..

the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter, "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

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If Johnny has 3 watermelons in one hand and 7 in the other, what would he have?

Big fucking hands

What did the watermelon say when the honeydew asked it to run away to Vegas and get married?

Sorry I cantaloupe

I made this up eating a green watermelon

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

Watermelons

A farmer is having trouble with the boys in town eating his watermelons. So he posts a sign that says, "one of my watermelons is poisoned."

The next day he wakes up and finds a sign next to it. "Now 2 are poisoned."

What’s the difference between a watermelon and a baby’s head?

I don’t know! I’m asking you!

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a watermelon patch?

>!Melanie!<

Where did Harry Styles go to school?

Watermelon Sugar High

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon and says

“honey, I love you and I just can’t wait to get married. Let’s just run off to the farmers market and get it done.”

And the melon says, “baby I love you too, but I just cantaloupe”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a market and ask for the half of a watermelon.

The produce employee tells him that they only sell full watermelons, the guy ask again but he gets the same answer.

So he tells the employee to ask to his supervisor, the employee agrees(without noticing that the customer is behind him all the time).

When the employee meets the supervi...

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

Don't mess with the farmer

It's a Friday, and there are three travelers. They were traveling down the road when it started to storm. They came across a farm. They knocked on the door and a man answered. "Please allow us to stay here for the weekend. We are tired and exhausted." The travelers pleaded. "Okay, fine. I'll let you...

Watermelons

A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell. At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left and he isn't looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning. He comes up wi...

I pick my women like I pick my watermelon.

A little rough with a discolored bottom and heavier than the appear.

Why did the Honeydew princess stay and marry Duke Watermelon instead of running off with her true love?

She cantaloupe

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.

So he decided to grow the state’s ...

Why did the watermelon get left at the altar?

Because his fiance cantelope.

Knock knock.....

*hmm...that's a nice ripe watermelon*

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I don't believe my friend's story about the time he fit a whole watermelon up his ass.

It's just too much of a stretch.

"I wish I had the money to buy a million watermelons..."

"What will you do with a million watermelons?"

"I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."

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A guy with worms up his butt goes to see a doctor.

Guy: Doc, these worms be killing me, what can we do ??

Doc: Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the worm leader gets a taste, He'll call his buddies to join him out.

And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the worm leader crawls out for little tast...

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The Farmer’s Fruits

Three guys are on a road trip and their truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere with only a farm by them, the farmer lets them in and says the only rule was that they couldn’t sleep with his daughter.

That night, all three of them sleep with his daughter. The farmer gets mad and takes the...

Best Worst Joke Ever: How do you get water into a watermelon?

You plant it...in the spring!

Where do watermelons and cantaloupes go for the summer?

John Cougar Mellen-camp

Watermelons are the most philosophical fruit...

Cause they're like, "Watermelons"

@caredee

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Two brothers come across two fields at night.

Two brothers come across two fields at night. One field is full of watermelons, the other one is full of olive trees.

The two brothers decide to steal some olives and watermelons so they could eat it at home. One brother goes to the watermelon field, the other one goes to the olive trees fie...

Why can't watermelons get married?

Because they cantaloupe!

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3 tribesmen were about to get punished

3 tribesmen were about to get punished. The chief told them to bring 10 fruits from their crops.

The first one brought 10 apples. The chief then said that those 10 apples would be inserted in his asshole. If he manages to not show any reaction when all the apples get inserted, he gets to live...

A Watermelon's Proposal

The watermelon asks his girlfriend, "Honeydew you want to get married?"

The girlfriend says, "Oh yes! But we cantaloupe."

This idea was sparked by [this original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14reag/what_did_the_melon_tell_her_boyfriend_when_he/) by /u/eddiesuarez.

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An Airplane flying over the Amazon Rainforest crashes in a remote part:

Soon, the local tribals reach the crash site and upon seeing the 3 survivors, take them to their King in captivity.

When presented in front of the king, he says "People of the sky! If you want to live you have to do as I say. Each of you have to go out in the jungle and forrage for fruits and...

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There were two doctors [NSFW]

There were two doctors who were good friends. One was a cardiologist, second a gynecologist. They had their offices next to each other.

One day, cardiologist was sitting in his room making some paper work. Suddenly, the gyno runs to the office screaming:

"Hey dude! Come with me, my pat...

In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon...

Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).

Both were denied.

This is actually true.

(Translated from polish) During a math class, teacher was asking first graders how many watermelons could they lift if one of them weighted about 3kg

Teacher: How many watermelons could you lift Sarah?

-I can lift one watermelon in my hands.

Teacher: Very good. What about you Tom?

-I could lift two watermelons! First one in my left hand and second one in my right hand.

Teacher: Great! And you Jonathan?

-I could ...

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Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

I can’t believe that there’s people that don’t eat the crust.

Like wtf it’s part of the food, it’s fantastic even if it doesn’t taste the same a the rest of the watermelon.

It's What's in the Inside

"Tell me, what do you look for in a man?"

"Honey, I like my man the same way I like my watermelon."

\-----

He thought about this for a moment.

"That's an interesting analogy, and one *I've* never heard before." "I like the way you think."

"Oh yeah?? You know what...

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A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

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This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

3 men venture into the forest and come upon a cannibal tribe.

The cannibals capture the three men and bring him to their leader.

King cannibal: I will allow you to leave without being eaten if you can complete my challenge. Find 10 fruits in the forest, and bring them back. Then you will hear it.

The men leave, get their fruits. The first back b...

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A man went to the doctor

The man told the doctor he had a kingdom of ants inside his butt the doctor told him to bring a fruit to attract the ants outside his butt. The man went home and placed a watermelon near his butt the ant king came out and tasted the watermelon

Then the ant king shouted:BOYS BRING IT IN

If watermelon has water in it...

Then what does a kumquat have?

A man got worms in his stomach

He went to all the doctors available but non could give him the proper treatment so he decided to go to some wise old man , the man told him " simple , go and buy the sweetest watermelon you can buy , cut it in half and sit on it , Naked . So the leader of the worms would go down to taste the waterm...

A Taste All of its Own

I love it wet, juicy and a nice pink/red color. Sometimes it gets my fingers and face wet and sticky, but I don't mind. I love Watermelon anyway.

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

Off With The Panties

Two neighbor women are taking their weekly walk together, when one of the women begins to complain about the heat.

The other lady states, "I took my panties off three blocks ago, and now I'm much cooler. You should really try it." "I don't know. That seems kind of weird, but I guess I'll try...

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Three men get lost in the forest and are found by a group of cannibals

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits....

Two melons are in love...

After decades of conflict and war, the people of Watermelon Kingdom and Cataloupe Country are trying to ease diplomatic tensions between their peoples. A student exchange program is started to foster cross-cultural understanding.

Through the exchange program, Wally Watermelon meets Cassandra...

Math

Math the only world were you can buy 140 watermelons without your motives being questioned.

Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One’s fun to hit with a sledgehammer and the other is a tasty snack.

Forgive me for this...

One hot summer day, a cop gets a call about an indecent exposure. He rushes over to the address and is directed to the house next door where he sees an old woman, eating watermelon, dress hitched up to her waist, and no underwear on.

He walks up the driveway towards this woman about to arrest...

If 2020 was a math problem.

You are flying over the desert at 180 KPH, You are flying Due north with the wind coming from the west at 40 KPH. The current is flowing at 30 knots due east. How many 20 lb watermelons will fill a football field during the full moon?

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