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Toilet Roll Jokes

Just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket

I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage

Why did the toilet roll go to rehab?

Addicted to crack.

I was out camping recently when I found out that I had run out of toilet roll…

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

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Reason for Corona toilet roll hoarding solved

One person sneezes and ten people shit themselves.

During the pandemic I saw an old lady in the supermarket searching for toilet rolls on the empty shelves. I almost broke down, thinking about the horrific nature of humanity. I reached deep into my pocket, and there I found a toilet roll.

Then I wiped away my tears and walked off.

I have a 24 pack of Aldi toilet rolls

Looking to swap for a 4 bedroom house

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Cheap toilet roll ..

...not worth a shit!

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Why is the coronavirus causing everyone to bulk buy toilet rolls?

Because whenever someone sneezes, 10 people start shitting themselves

You know that thing

When you're having a poo and run out of toilet roll, then end up doing that trousers round your ankles shuffle thing to get some more?

It happened to me earlier!

I'm almost at the shop now..

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Makes perfect sense to me that everyone is panic buying toilet roll because of the Coronavirus...

One sneeze and everyone shits themselves!

I fell over a toilet roll display at my local supermarket

I cut my leg badly and was rushed to hospital. I said to the doctor, "what's the damage" He replied, "just some torn tissue".

Dad joke

Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill?

To get the the bottom

What's four inches long, two inches wide and always disappoints women?

An empty toilet roll

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As a single guy living alone, I get invited to dinners with family friends or my parents or friends parents places. When use the bathroom I notice that every one seems they have these toilet paper holders, like little stacks of 2 to 4 brand new toilet paper rolls in some form of stacking device.....

I think back to my place & financial situation making one Toilet roll last as long as possible, to ensure that I keep to my tight budget of living alone with a dead end job.

To me it’s like these toilet roll stacks in the bathroom feel almost like a ostentatious display of the people’s li...

Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again

I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighbourhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

Ever have one of those days where you're wiping away and the poo is all wet and slimy so your finger breaks through the toilet roll and your finger just slips inside, like two knuckles deep? I just had a day like that.

Anyway, I'm not allowed to volunteer at *that* child care centre anymore.

It's my wife's birthday so I've bought her the current must have present, took ages to find and even then had to fight to get it.

A 9 pack of toilet roll.

It's my wife's birthday next week and I've managed to get her this year's must haves!

A 4-pack of toilet roll and a bag of Fusilli! She is going to be thrilled!

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home

I went for an interview, they asked me where do I see myself in five years

Apparently, “still using the toilet rolls I stockpiled during the Coronavirus outbreak” is not the right answer

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Just had a Posh wank....

... used 3 sheets of toilet roll.

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A menstrual pad goes to school where she got bullied by two tampons

The toilet roll walked up to her and told the menstrual pad “Don’t listen to them, They’re both stuck up cunts”

What is the best cure for constipation?

Finding an empty toilet roll.

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Actually looking forward to Christmas this year for once.

I usually get terrible presents for the Mrs that she don’t actually want, but this year found her Christmas list and I've got everything on it;

Eggs

Milk

Bread

Butter

Bacon

Sugar

Toilet roll

She's going to be well impressed

I've just spotted a man

..standing on the corner of my street looking through two toilet rolls.

I have absolutely no idea what he's up to.

If only these binoculars were real.....

BREAKING NEWS! CORONAVIRUS!

Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case"....

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What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a Labrador?

A dog that scares the shit out of you then runs away with the toilet roll.

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

The Casket

One day i was walking home from work when all of a sudden i hear 'bang bang bang' behind me. I turned around to see what is making the noise an i see nothing. I carry on walking but after a while i hear the same noise but even louder. It sounds like someone hitting a wooden fence on the ground. I tu...

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