UPJOKE
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What animal is 80% wool?

A woolf.

You guys heard about the drop in the Scottish wool market?

Next thing they are gonna tell us about how the eggconomy is scrambled too!

What happened to the cat that ate a ball of wool?

She had mittens!

where does steel wool come from?

Robot sheep

I tried to collect some wool and milk from my farm and the animals went crazy.

It was shear and udder panic.

"Honey, let's just a couple of sheep so we don't have to mow the lawn." -- "Oh, but what would we do with the wool?" -- "Well, we could-"

shear it

wash it

dry it

pick it

card it

bag it

store it

sell it

process it

clean it

buy it

keep it

pack it

send it

mail

insulate it

mulch it

fertilise it

toss it

compo...

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The sheep Farmer

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but...

I lost my job as a Shepard for never cutting the sheep's wool

I guess it was due to shear laziness.

Which One?

Once a shepherd was grazing his two sheeps. A man was walking around and aproached the shepherd and asks.

Man: "How much does the sheeps weigh?"

Shepherd :" Which one, black one or white one?"

Man : "the black one".

Shepherd : " 20kg".

The Man curiously asks,"And ...

This year is my wool anniversary so I got my wife dryer balls.

After seeing the gift she told me she got me blue ones.

So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...

...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.

The Man Who Knows Where Everyone Is From

There were a bunch of tough dudes hanging out in a bar. One of them started bragging that he could tell where anyone was from just by looking at them.

One burly dude stepped up and asked “Where am I from, then?” The guy looked at the burly dude and concluded he was from California. He was ri...

My friend invented a machine that turns sheep shearings into cherries. If you put in black wool, you get black cherries. If you put in white wool, you get maraschino cherries.

Red wool gives you bings.

Did you guys hear that Old Navy has been using fake wool?

They can't pull the polyester over our eyes anymore!

Which falls faster, a ball of wool or a ball of steel?

Neymar

Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?

Turns out he was allergic to wool.

My mate is made completely out of matted wool fabric.

He's felt better

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

He was a dyed-in-the-wool Tory and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.

And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding. Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the ro...

What did Mr T say when asked if he had any wool?

Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

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What is the capital of Mongolia?

Wool and butter.

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How do you know if the wool in your socks came from New Zealand?

They've already got cum stains before you open the package.

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There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the naturalists had a "more humane" solution. What ...

How did the farmer deal with the stubborn sheep's wool?

With shear willpower

did you know it takes 3 sheep to make a wool sweater?

It's amazing. I didn't even know they could knit!

waaaaaaka waka.

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Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse,

And turned its wool to nylon.

Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn...

So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

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Do you know from where the virgin wool comes from?

From the sheeps that can outrun the sheppard.

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This blokes wife was going down to the shops, so she asked her husband if he'd like anything

"Yeah, a packet of smokes", he replied.

The wife came back and chucked him tobacco & papers to make rollies. He didn't want to start an argument, so he just thought, "Stupid Bitch", and smoked them.

The next week the wife was going down to the shops and she asked him again if he wa...

Little Timmy is skiing on a mountain with his family

At a certain point, he decides that it would be nice if he impressed his mother, so he shouts: "look mom, without hands!", then proceeds to drop the ski poles on the snow and go down.

After he manages to return on the top, he shouts again: "look mom, without seeing!" then puts his wool hat on...

A hiker in the mountains, meets a shepherd with a flock of sheep.

He ask him:

\+ Do sheep give a lot of wool?

\- Which? the white or the black ones?

The surprised hiker tells him:

\+ Well, the white ones.

\- About seven kilos of wool per season.

\+ And the black ones?

\- Seven kilos as well.

\+ And do...

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Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

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An Englishman, an African and an American decide they want to jump off of a building.

They climb up one. The Englishman looks down and says: "It's too high, I won't jump.", the African says: "Vool, vool, not jump.". The American jumps without thinking, nearly kills himself and yells: "My ass wool, concrete!"

(I tried to translate this from Czech as best as I could)

How did I get rich?

Well I was working on my sheep farm. We had just sheared the flock and spun the wool into yarn. As I was dying one skein of yarn green, a lamb wandered over and fell into the tub of dye. By the time I rescued the poor thing, he'd already managed to turn himself completely green.

Well, a littl...

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

I’ve been getting into trading socks recently

You know, the ones on Wool Street.

The Pilot and the Priest

A pilot and a priest have died and are waiting in line outside the gates of Heaven for entry. When they reach the front of the line, St. Peter beckons the pilot forth.

"Who are you, so I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" he asks.

"I am Joe Dohn of Los Ange...

A Priest and a Taxi Driver Were Waiting in Line for Judgment at the Pearly Gates

The taxi driver was first. He went to St. Peter and said," I am Brandon Wilson. Taxi driver in New York for fifteen years." Saint Peter looked at his list and smiled. "Welcome Mr. Wilson. Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." The taxi driver walked through the ...

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A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

Teacher: "What's your hobby, Mary?" "Knitting and swimming."

"But doesn't the wool get soggy?"

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

A Conductor on a train...

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.

So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have you...

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Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany

Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany.

* The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you ...

A missionary has spent the last few months bringing the joys of Christ to a primitive forest tribe.

He has become a friend of the people, and has taught them much. One day, one of the chieftain's many wives gives birth to an albino child. The chieftain has never seen such such a thing, and immediately assumes that his wife has been unfaithful and has been intimate with the only white man in the fo...

A man is on a journey through the rural countryside

On the first night of his journey, he stops at a farm and asks if he can spend the night. The farmer agrees, but tells the man he must sleep in the barn with his 18 sheep. The man does so and in the morning, the farmer asks the traveller how he feels. "I feel like wool. Wouldn't you feel like wo...

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A young man wants a job at his local farm

"Why do you want to work here?" Asks the farmer. "I understand the language of your animals." In disbelieve the farmer takes him to the cow. "Muuuh" "So, what did she say?" "You should cut your nails, it hurts when you milk her." The farmer looks at his nails. "You may be right, but thats pure coin...

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

MOUSE HOLE

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonig...

The scarf store

A guy walks in to a scarf shop and asks what kind of scarves they sell.

The owner replies "we have wool ones inside and cashmere outside, how bout dat?"

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Three pregnant women knitting sweaters for their unborn kids.

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their unborn kids. The first woman says “I hope my baby is a boy, I’m using blue wool”. The second woman says “I’m hoping for a girl, my sweater is pink”. The third woman says quietly “Weeeelllll, I hope my kid is deformed..I’ve fucked up the arms!”.

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

O...

Black Sheeps, White Sheeps

A city guy goes hiking and comes across an old shepherd pasturing his flock. The guy is alone so he decides to have a little chat with the shepherd while having a rest. Word by word, their chat gets to sheep.

Guy: How much milk do sheeps give per day?

Shepherd: The white ones or the bl...

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Shepards

The bitter Anatolian winter was almost over when one Armenian shepherd turned to the other and confessed that he could hardly wait until it was time to shear their flocks.

The other shepherd nodded, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. “It’s great selling the wool in the market and sp...

Cat jokes

#10

 

Why does a tiger tell the truth?

Because he isn't a lion.

 #9 

If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?

None! They were copy cats!

 #8 

Why did the cat run from the tree?

Because it was...

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I was TAing an electrostatics lab.

The experiment was to see what happens when you rub wool on a bunch of rods of different materials and then bring the rods near scraps of paper. One student’s lab report had this observation on what happens when you try to electrostatically charge up a metal rod and bring it near paper: “paper remai...

The boy was upset when he came home from school...

“Mom I was sent home from school.”
“Why is that?” ask the concerned mom.
“First the teacher asked what you get from sheep. I said wool. Then she asked what you get from a pig. I said bacon. Then she asked what you get from a fat cow. I said homework.”

A thief breaks into the home of celebrities to steal their most prized possessions

After he's done, he always leaves a note letting them know exactly what he's stolen. One night, he breaks into Madonna's house. She finds a note the next day that says "Thanks for the Persian lamb's wool coat! This will be perfect for my wife."

The next day, he breaks into Simon Cowell's home...

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Sean's been to the pub drinking stout all evening.

He's very drunk and it's late. 

The barkeep announces "Last Call!"  Sean protests and the barkeep tells him, "Sean, it's time ya drink up a get yeself home."

Sean hoist his drink and drains it and commences to get up from the bar stool.  
Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the...

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The nervous cashier

It was Tim's first day working at the pharmacy when a young lady walked in and asked him for some pain killers and a pack of tampons, Tim was extremely embarrassed and ran in the back asking Tom the Pharmacist to serve the young lady. After the encounter Tom told Tim he shouldn't be embarrassed, it...

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A man from Wyoming and a man from California are driving across Wyoming in a pickup truck. [NSFW]

It’s boring, it’s flat, they haven’t seen anything interesting in hours.

Eventually, they find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The man from Wyoming looks over at the man from California with a crazy grin and says “watch this”.

The man from Wyoming pulls the truck over, climbs...

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A man wants to buy his wife a gift.

He decides to get her a brand new pair of gloves, as she's been complaining about her old ones. After doing some research, he finds the only glover in town, and drives over.

When he arrives at the store, he is blown away by all the different types of gloves. Sitting in stacks, he sees leather...

Best cat jokes lmao

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
...

So the cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West

So the cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West.

He finally settles on a ranching town near the very edge of civilization.

So near, in fact, that there aren't any women to be found for love nor

money. Well, he's young and full of hormones, and after a ...

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They've recently discovered a brand new use for sheep in West Virginia...

... They're calling it "wool"...

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Tampons

Young lad gets a job in a chemist shop. A lady comes in and asks for a box of tampons. The lad being really shy runs into the back of the shop and asks one of the female assistants to serve the lady. The female assistant returns to the lad and tells him "This is the sort of thing you will have to ge...

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Chum the sheep

There was this young man who had had enough of city life so he moves to the country and decides to run a sheep farm. He educated himself as much as he could on how to run a farm. He bought a farm, and buys a heard of sheep. Everything is going well, the sheep are properly housed and fed. The she...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by.

He's sat on the grass, chewing on a straw, watching his sheep roam around under the last rays of the setting sun. A jeep leaving behind clouds of dust stops before him, and off gets a businessman clad in an expensive suit a...

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3 Football fans go on holiday...

Each supporting different teams one Hartlepool, one Liverpool and the other Arsenal. Their plane crashes in the middle of the ocean and each of them washes up on a desert island where there is nothing but a single sheep. They kill the sheep and use its wool for warmth until they get hungry.

...

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A small flock of sheep walks into an Scottish bar

The bartender, immediately upset by the commotion, tells them they have to leave.

A brave sheep stands up to the bartender and says "Sheep or not, I'm a true Scotsman. I know the history of our people all the way back to the beginning of time, and this place is my home."

The bartender ...

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Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

Billy at school

The teacher asks Billy, the first grader, questions about animals:
T: Billy, what do we get from pigs?
B: Meat
T: That's right! And what do we get from sheep?
B: Wool
T: Correct! And what do we get from cows?
B: Homework

How do make a hipster sweat...

make 'em wear a wool sweater before it was cool.

A missionary goes to Africa...

A missionary goes to Africa and was living with a tribe. While he was there, a white baby was born. The tribe's chief goes to the missionary and asks, "how do you explain this white baby? You're the only white man here, this doesn't seem right...". The missionary looks around and tries to come up wi...

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