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Paper Jokes

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?”

I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

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Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know."

Son: "So it was you."

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact tha...

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

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A man goes to a new store to get some toilet paper

He approaches the clerk and asks are there any brands he recommends.

"Why yes sir! I make all my own products and we've something to suit everybody. This one I call Bob Ross"

"Why have you named it that?"

"Cos it's so gentle your ass will feel so relaxed and nice afterwards sir...

Toilet paper...

Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper, I'd like to shake his hand.

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What did Lily Potter ask James when he handed her divorce papers?

Are you fucking Sirius?

I ate the exam paper

Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?

Stationary.

Rock, paper and scissors have entered a race.

Rock has begun to roll, but paper and scissors remain stationery.

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the paper bag. (old but pretty funny!).

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
 
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
 
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B....

Paper

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no toilet paper in this one, either! "

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

Seen this one in the paper... gave me a giggle

An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of ...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

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Just realised the cost of my toilet paper has tripled in the last 3-4 years

Shit is getting expensive

Success is like toilet paper;

it only seems important when you don’t have it.

The paper industry is dying.

It is getting beat by the scissors industry.

This morning I caught one of my kids with graphing paper.

I'm sure he's plotting something.

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Did you hear they're recalling Chuck Norris' new toilet paper?

Apparently, it's rough, tough, and doesn't take crap off anybody.

What should you do when writing a research paper about whales?

Include a cetacean

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

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What does the star ship enterprise have in common with toilet paper?

They both chase Klingons around Uranus!

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

Why can't you trust a left-handed mathematician with graph paper?

They'll plot something sinister.

What kind of paper likes listening to music?

Rapping paper

Got an A on my paper...

Time to write the rest of it

I hate it when my finger rips through the toilet paper while wiping.

It was at this point I quit my job at the nursing home.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

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Toilet Paper Miracle

Just found this joke in a pile of my late father’s belongings…

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
su...

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

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A cowboy walks into the bar, only to find it's empty.

Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar.

"Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke.

"At the hangin'." Bartender says.

"Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?"

"The Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?"

"That...

A cowboy rides into town wearing a paper suit. Paper hat, paper jacket, paper pants and chaps, everything he wore was made of paper.

He wasn't in town five minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Due to rising costs, I stopped using toilet paper. Instead, I'm using newspaper now

Man, The Times are rough.

I got some sudoku toilet paper.

Sadly I can't complete it, since I can only fill it with 1's and 2's.

Did I tell you the joke about the Paper?

It’s tearable.

Why do you never see pieces of paper at bodybuilding competitions?

Because they would have to get shredded.

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

Why did the budget division tell the paper in rock, paper, scissors they were getting rid of it?

“Because budget cuts, paper”

Bag Boy: Paper or plastic, sir?

Customer: Whatever, you pick.

Bag Boy: Sorry, baggers can’t be choosers.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

a scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'

Why does everyone hate thin paper?

Because it's tearable

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

A prisoner escaped by putting a paper towel over his face and walking out of jail.

There’s a Bounty on his head.

Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates?

They hate plaque buildup.

I advertised a python for sale in the paper

a man rang up and said “What size is it?”
I replied “It’s quite big”

“How many feet?” he asked,

“None, it’s a snake...”

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It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.

Given the number of assholes in the country.

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

Did you hear about the time Morrissey went to the costume party with a date dressed up as a toilet paper mummy?

He introduced him as 'This Charmin Man'.

Paper towels?

OH! You mean napkins on the cob?

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

Have you heard the joke about paper? It’s terrible. Have you heard the joke about prostitution?…

It’s horrible…

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Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

A pirate wearing a paper towel on his head walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What’s with the paper towel?”

The pirate says “Arrr matey, I have a bounty on me head!”

what’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

ohhh….so YOU’RE the one!

How many teenagers does it take to change a toilet paper roll?

Who knows; it's never happened.

Found this one in the local paper and translated it

So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?

Santa because the first two don't exist.

My friend had the weed and I had the papers so we combined our resources.

It was a joint effort.


Happy 4/20 for those who celebrate.

I saw an add in the paper for a job at a mirror factory and I thought...

...now that's something I could see myself doing.

Paper or plastic

The cashier said, "Strip down facing me". By the time I found out that she meant my card, it was too late.

My stoner friend used my to-do list as rolling paper

Now he's high on list of priorities

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What is the difference between 69 and a ballot paper ?

In 69 you have to look at only one asshole.

My paper aeroplane won't fly.

It's completely stationery.

I always wondered why rock didn't beat paper in rock paper scissors

Turns out rock just couldn't cut it

What kind of paper is always thirsty?

Parchment

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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag...

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pul...

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road

It got stuck in a crack

how do frogs share a piece of paper?

They rippit

A research paper should be like a women's skirt.

Short enough to keep my attention, but long enough to cover the subject.

Einstein: Dad, my paper on the Theory of Relativity finally got published!!

Einstein’s Dad: Damn son, it’s about time!

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I created a prostitute out of paper...

This was the first time I made whorigami.

A guy walks into his kitchen and sees his roommate writing on a piece of paper

Guy: what's up?

Roommate: Im legally changing my name to Dragon Ball Z.

Guy: wait, what, can you even do that?

Roommate: yea, it's a lot of paperwork tho.
This isn't even my final form.

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was

He said “Aisle B, back.”

As part of my path to enlightenment, I buy my toilet paper from the dollar store.

It helps me get in touch with my inner self.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

Once, there were three friends named Ralph Rock, Pete Paper, and Steve Scissors.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ...

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People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes

damn, i always mix up their and they're

Jokes are like paper airplanes

I suck at making them

Rock, paper and scissors were fired as recruitment officers

They only gave hand jobs

There is new innovation for single ply toilet paper

It features breakthrough technology

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag ...

Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again

I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighbourhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.

I went to the store to purchase some bread and the grocery store clerk asked me if I wanted paper or plastic?

I said, "I don't care, just baguette."

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.

It was tough, and a little messy.

But for a clean ass?

it was the best 43 cents i’d ever spent.

A man sees an ad in the paper

The ad reads "Guaranteed program to help you get fit!"

The man thinks to himself "you know, I can stand to lose a few pounds" and calls the number. A man answers the phone and says "thank you for contacting us. We offer 3 plans. The first is our lightest plan and the third is our most intens...

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One ply toilet paper is the John Wayne of butt-wipe.

Every roll is the same: square, white, two dimensional, but rough as hell and don't take shit off nobody.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

I finally realize why authoritarian governments banned blank pieces of A4 paper in protests

It’s not Legal

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

sand paper walks into a bar

A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" the bartender asks. "Oh, just something to take the edge off," the sandpaper replies.

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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

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