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A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:

“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed”

The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner.
...

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper.

Depends.

Want to hear a joke about paper ?

Never mind it's tearable

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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

What does a frog do with a piece of paper?

Rip it!

6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. :)

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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Since we ran out of toilet paper...

Newspapers have been full of shit.

Where did the terminator find toilet paper?

Aisle B. back

Why does KFC not have toilet paper?

It's finger licking good

My jokes are like paper

They fall flat

What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

If you said "I don't know," click here:



>!So you're the idiot that ruined my shower curtain!!!!!<

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

##

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.

The Times are rough

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Life is like a toilet paper

One minute you’re on a roll


And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole

I saw an ad for tombstones in the paper

I thought this was the last thing I needed.

So I see now the papers are having a go at the guy who marketed Jenga. Typical of the media.

They build them up and then they knock them down.

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

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If the store in your locality always run of toilet paper..

It's because there's lot of assholes in your locality

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People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes

damn, i always mix up their and they're

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If you think you need a 128 pack of toilet paper

You're probably full of shit

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

..their new slogan? The Quicker Pecker Upper.

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

Did you hear the one about toilet paper?

Second thoughts it's tearable

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

I know a joke about paper...

But it's pretty tear-able.

I was going to make a joke about toilet paper

but most of you probably wouldn't get it

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A man sees an ad in the paper for a Big Dick club.

He decides he wants to join, so he goes to the next meeting.

He walks up to the secretary and says, “I’d like to join the big dick club.”

She responds, “How big is your dick?”

“Eighteen inches.”

The secretary bursts out into uncontrollable laughter. Not knowing what’s w...

Why is the paper glowing?

Because the paper is light

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Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore,

Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929

But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

So last night I wrote some light-hearted jokes on a piece of paper, and then turned the lights off, to go to sleep.

I was really mad, realising it was now dark humor.

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A circus is looking for new acts so they place an advert in the local paper

A few days later the circus' agent gets a phone call. "Hi I'm Jeff!" says the caller "I saw your advert and it sounds like my dream! I think I'm definitely talented enough to be in the circus!"

"Well ok Jeff, tell me about yourself, what's your skill?" says the agent

"I can skateboard!...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

Why are all glasses wearers able to rip paper with just one look?

They have tearable vision.

A 90 year old woman had just lost her husband of 70 years. She phoned the local paper to put her loss in the obituary.

The receptionist tells her that its £1 per word.
"Oh my. I don't have much money so can you just write 'Mort is dead,' please?"

Feeling sorry for the poor old lady, the receptionist tells her she can have another 3 words, free of charge.

The recently widowed OAP thinks for a seco...

Worried about toilet paper shortage?

Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

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I've been trying to understand all the toilet paper panic buying.

I think I got it.
One guy coughs and a 100 people lose their shit.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

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I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

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What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

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Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

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My wife and I are home quarantined for two weeks. Fortunately, we hoarded lots of toilet paper.

Time for some roll playing games.

Dark humor is like toilet paper

Not everyone gets it

Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

Toilet paper shortages causing some communities to resort to using lettuce

When asked about the extant crisis, Dr. Asterac simply stated:

"This morning was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaine's to be seen."

My work replaced our regular toilet paper with single ply. Everybody hates it...

...Its really tearable.

.

.

part credit to Amb_33 (thanks).

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

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Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

I just found out why people are buying so much toilet paper.

An asteroid might hit earth in 2020. Paper beats rock.

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because Karen bought it all.

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What do you call a lobster with four packs of toilet paper?

A shellfish bastard.

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

I brought my lady friend some toilet paper yesterday.

It's clear she finally found her Prince Charmin.

With all the missing paper towels and napkins everywhere...

You could say that right now, I'm a Bounty hunter

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?

B'day mate.

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I'm surprised stores are out of toilet paper and not laundry detergent..

The whole world has been shitting themselves for weeks..

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What do you call someone who buys all the toilet paper in the supermarket?

A wanker. Why else would they need all of that?

Toilet paper prices are like a cheap circumcision right now

It's a rip off

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I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet,

I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

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My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”...

Ass King for a friend...

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Bear and a Rabbit talking about the toilet paper shortage,...

The bear says, "It sucks being out of toilet paper. Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says, "No, not really."

The bear says, "Thanks", and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

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An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and
important document here and my Secretary has gone for
the night. Can you make this thing work?"

“Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine
on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” ...

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I have uncovered the human psychology behind all this toilet paper hoarding...

That’s just how we roll...

The World ‘Paper Tearing’ Champion has died .....

RIP!

The solution to the toilet paper shortage is the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle.

One square at a time.

What happens if you run out of toilet paper that people are so scared of?

you'll have to get your hands dirty

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Toilet paper shortage shows that there are more assholes than we thought

Period.

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My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?"

I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers"

If I got paid to play rock paper scissors...

I'd be making money hand over fist.

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People are hating on me for buying all this toilet paper.

But how else am I going to get through 50 jerk offs a day during the quarantine without it?

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?

It got stuck in a crack

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How do I feel about people hoarding toilet paper? Well on the the one hand

I have shit because I couldn’t buy toilet paper

Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?

Because baggers can’t be choosers.

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People hoarding toilet paper made me realize something

There are a lot more assholes around me than I thought

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

After I ran out of toilet paper, a friend suggested using pages from an old book

That worked OK I guess, but now I'm looking for suggestions to clean a Kindle.

Now that we've ran out of toilet paper

I wished I had bought a toilet brush with softer bristles.

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Politicians are like toilet paper

One minute crowds chasing them.

Then they get elected.

Next thing, people would rather put them on their butthole.

Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits

I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati.

I am going to miss that car.

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At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

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Using one ply toilet paper is like reading mean Reddit comments.

Found the asshole.

Why can't toys made from paper move

Because they are stationary.

How much toilet paper you have now determines your social status

How Charmin

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Why is it worse for trappers when they run out of toilet paper?

They have to wipe their butts with their bear hands.

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I saw two kids fighting over the last roll of toilet paper and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer

For good clean fun

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

My 7year old just asked me... Have you heard the joke about the sheet of paper ?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail.

They called it a "Jury Summons."

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Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding.

I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.

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Did you hear the Netherlands is almost out of toilet paper and weed?

People bought them all for shits and giggles.

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People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume...

Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench.

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Honestly, I kinda sympathize with Americans who are hoarding toilet paper right now

Giant assholes need to wipe more than other people

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

With all of the craziness at the grocery stores we've run out of toilet paper at my house and had to resort to using newspaper.

These Times are rough.

What does Kentucky Fried Chicken and me trying to stretch out my last roll of cheap toilet paper have in common?

They're both finger licking good.

Due to the latest sellouts of toilet paper...

Their company's profit is on a roll

Toilet Paper

Doing my weekly shop in my local supermarket today and I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all!

Reluctantly, I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.

Walking back to the toilets with my underwear and trousers (pants) around my ankle...

Art Teacher: Why are you staring at an empty piece of paper?

I'm drawing a blank.

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Who needs 100 rolls of toilet paper?

Overheard in a local supermarket parking lot:
*6 adults pass by pushing carts overloaded with toilet paper*
KID: Why do they need so much toilet paper daddy?
DAD: Coz they're assholes

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Toilet paper sold out around the world due to Corona Virus

Seems like people can't handle this shit

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