This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

A roll of toilet paper walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Man, you look awful! What’s up?”
The toilet paper says, “Nothing, really. I’m just wiped.”

I got in touch with my inner self today...

Last time I ever buy cheap toilet paper.

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I like my women like I like my toilet paper

thick, soft and prepared to spend a lot of time around an asshole

How does Palpatine make paper mache.

Glue it.

Socialism looks like a pretty good idea on paper.

Unless that paper's in a history book.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

They both travel around Uranus searching for Klingons

Why should you never trust math teachers who have graph paper?

Because they're always plotting something.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in the crack.

Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Nevermind it's tearable

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can’t stop making horrible toilet paper jokes.

I guess I’m just on a roll.

Sorry for the shitty joke.

Jokes on Reddit are like a paper bag

They're 100% recycled material.

I just saw in the local paper "Barber busted for dealing drugs" and I was amazed. I've been a customer of his for years

and I had no idea he cut hair.

For my PhD thesis, I wanted to write the best researched paper about General Relativity

But I ran out of time so I failed.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

I read a newspaper article about a woman who stole a bunch of toilet paper from wal mart

They said she got away with it scott free

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

I had a paper joke.

But it’d just fall flat.

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.

​

“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”

​

“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”

​

“Not really,” the man says. “It stands ...

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The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainl...

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

I just had my first experience with one of those new environmentally-friendly, paper straws.

They suck.

A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper.

He calls over to the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”

​

“No,” replies the man.

​

“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.

​

“Nope,” the second man replies.

&#...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in the Soviet Union?

Because they wanted to make every asshole Red.

I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but...

It’s tearable.

I'm looking for the man who wears a paper towel as a hat...

...he has a bounty on his head.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

- hey man, do you think technology one day will replace paper.

- Nah. I don't think so. It'll be hard to clean your ass with a phone.

Found this one in the local paper and translated it

So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?

Santa because the first two don't exist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Brown Paper Larry

A cowboy rides into town and sees a few guys working on a gallows. The cowboy dismounts and calls out, "Hey, sheriff, when's the hangin'?"

The sheriff says, "Saturday. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"...

Somebody help me practice rock paper scissors, I suck. Ill go first.

ROCK.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the woman bring toilet paper tot he gala?

She was a party pooper!

Told by my 7 year-old

Today I turned in my rough draft of a paper on Darwin’s theory.

The teacher said it would be decent with modification.

What did Ludacris say when he used up the last of the toilet paper?

ROLL OUT!

A serial killer known for making paper out of the skin of his enemies' heads and feet has been apprehended by police.

He was caught putting foe toes on a face book.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) I just had my first experience with Anal

That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

Ancient China should be credited for inventing toilet paper.

The inventor was Wai Ping.

I met a guy who works at a toilet paper company

He was quite charmin, I must say.

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

Third magic trick now perfected.. transforming myself into toilet paper.

I'm on a roll!

Why don’t they have any toilet paper in KFC?

Because it’s finger lickin good!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Toilet paper!

They’ve witnessed shit.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?

Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing

I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.

I asked who got papers, and they took off running.

Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!

Einstein’s Dad: Damn son, it’s about time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A paper bag walks into the doctors because he's feeling a little down

Has some tests and come back a week later.

Doctor says, "I'm sorry son, but you're HIV positive"

The bag is in disbelief "How can this happen, I'm a paper bag?"

"Have you ever had unprotected sex?"

"We'll no, I'm a paper bag"

"What about sharing needles"

"No...

What do you call a sleeping paper towel?

A napkin.

What's the difference between cars and toilet paper?

You can buy a used car.

Guys I know why there are no paper jokes on this sub

It's because they're tearable

Year 2108 :A guy writes a suicide note on a paper

_Can't find a tree to hang_

Why did the paper lose the race against the rock?

Because it was stationary.

A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...

He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whoever said technology would replace paper....

has clearly never tried wiping their butt with an iPad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

amid mounting investigations, the White House changed all printers to use 8.5x14 size paper...

...so they could right away answer "Yes", if investigators were to find hidden documents and ask "is this legal?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A participant in a duel showed up armed with a pencil and paper,

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet.

I bet she is plotting something against me.

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

The TSA is like a paper toilet seat cover

They probably don't actually do anything, and experts say they don't really make us safer, but do you really want to sit on a public toilet (or plane) without them?

I learned a spell that stops paper from tearing!

It's a Can'tRip

I was recently asked why I bought paper with dolphins on them

Because the paper was multi-porpoise.

​

​

I saw some suspicious people at the store buying graph paper...

I think they are plotting something.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone stole my toilet paper...

But I don't mind it.


They must have shittier life than me.

On an examination paper, The professor required his students to sign a form stating they had received no outside assistance...

....Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script....

...and then said: "You can sign with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

I see the local baker was enjoying his mild celebrity status in the town paper after saving a drowning man..

He was acting really flan buoyant .

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What do you call a bathroom with no toilet paper?

Scott Free

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss is always complaining about the toilet paper at work.

For Christmas, I sent him a 12-pack of ultra soft bathroom tissue and a Christmas card which read: “To the sensitive asshole that sits in the bossman’s chair.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just found an origami porn channel.

But it's paper view only.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’
The next day her door bell rings, looking down on her doorstep was a man with no arms and legs.
He says “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away....

My Pikachu started eating paper clips, paint chips, pencils...

When I asked her what's wrong, she said "Pica. Pica."

What happens when toilet paper grows up big and strong?

It becomes a toiletry.

'A Tale of Two Cities' was originally serialized in two local papers in the British Midlands.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's worse than a cardboard box?

Paper tits