A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

Why do they ask if you'd prefer paper or plastic?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper?

Because it's finger lickin' good

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

Where did the Terminator find extra toilet paper?

Aisle B, back.

What did the printer say when it ran out of paper?

Oh sheet

Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?

Because it was wiped out

Why are all glasses wearers able to rip paper with just one look?

They have tearable vision.

"An education doesn't mean anything!" my wife shouted. "It's just sheets of paper."

"So is a dictionary," I replied, "but that means quite a lot."

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How is it to have a life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you can't tell the difference, you will never be invited to my house.

I have a job at the mint making paper currency.

That’s right, my job isn’t making cents.

Bag Boy: Paper or plastic, sir?

Customer: Whatever, you pick.

Bag Boy: Sorry, baggers can’t be choosers.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Me...

Wanna hear a joke... a joke about paper?

Nevermind, it's tearable...

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Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

He asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks "Hey, what's with the paper towel on your head?"
The pirate responds "ARRR, I got a Bounty on me head!"

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

What do you call a paperclip that can't handle the paper?

A little unstaple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

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Did you hear about Texas toilet paper?

They had to take it off the market. It wouldn't take shit off anybody.

Which superhero delivers the morning paper?

The newspaperman!

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

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A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person".

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled: "Therefor...

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What's the same about the Star Ship Enterprise and Toilet Paper?

They both fly to Uranus and wipe out the cling-ons

What does a frog do with a piece of paper?

Rip it!

6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. :)

There was an article in the paper today about Apple and Reddit doing a collaboration.

iReddit

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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

What dinosaur used boulders as toilet paper?

Megasoreass

I hate when I'm wiping and my finger goes through the paper. Happens every time!

That aside, my new job at the old people's home is going well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I cringed as my finger tore through the toilet paper,

And i felt the warmth of fresh shit under my finger nail.


Sometimes i really hate my job and this damn nursing home.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper.

Depends.

I miss the days when I could just do crazy things. Like once I went an entire semester only wearing clothes I made out of notebook paper.

College ruled.

I asked the girl in the paper shop "Do you keep stationery?" and she said "Usually,"

"but if I'm really getting into it I sometimes wriggle a bit."

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

What should you do if you run out of toilet paper in the wilderness?

Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

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I like my rolling papers, like I like my sex

Raw, dawg

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

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People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes

damn, i always mix up their and they're

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

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A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:

Woman: Is there a problem Officer.

Officer: ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Offic...

An original joke from my 7 year old daughter

Did you hear the joke about the piece of paper?

Don’t worry about it, it’s tearable!


{I’m sure someone in history has used this pun, but I was pretty impressed with her effort!}

My jokes are like paper

They fall flat

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of ...

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

I was going to make a joke about toilet paper

but most of you probably wouldn't get it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my ...

I saw an ad for tombstones in the paper

I thought this was the last thing I needed.

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

..their new slogan? The Quicker Pecker Upper.

What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

If you said "I don't know," click here:



>!So you're the idiot that ruined my shower curtain!!!!!<

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

I know a joke about paper...

But it's pretty tear-able.

Dark humor is like toilet paper

Not everyone gets it

Worried about toilet paper shortage?

Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

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A man sees an ad in the paper for a Big Dick club.

He decides he wants to join, so he goes to the next meeting.

He walks up to the secretary and says, “I’d like to join the big dick club.”

She responds, “How big is your dick?”

“Eighteen inches.”

The secretary bursts out into uncontrollable laughter. Not knowing what’s w...

So I see now the papers are having a go at the guy who marketed Jenga. Typical of the media.

They build them up and then they knock them down.

So last night I wrote some light-hearted jokes on a piece of paper, and then turned the lights off, to go to sleep.

I was really mad, realising it was now dark humor.

Did you hear the one about toilet paper?

Second thoughts it's tearable

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the store in your locality always run of toilet paper..

It's because there's lot of assholes in your locality

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I've been trying to understand all the toilet paper panic buying.

I think I got it.
One guy coughs and a 100 people lose their shit.

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Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore,

Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

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I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I are home quarantined for two weeks. Fortunately, we hoarded lots of toilet paper.

Time for some roll playing games.

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

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A circus is looking for new acts so they place an advert in the local paper

A few days later the circus' agent gets a phone call. "Hi I'm Jeff!" says the caller "I saw your advert and it sounds like my dream! I think I'm definitely talented enough to be in the circus!"

"Well ok Jeff, tell me about yourself, what's your skill?" says the agent

"I can skateboard!...

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929

But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and
important document here and my Secretary has gone for
the night. Can you make this thing work?"

“Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine
on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” ...

The World ‘Paper Tearing’ Champion has died .....

RIP!

Why is the paper glowing?

Because the paper is light

If anyone is still having trouble finding toilet paper or paper towels, I know a guy you can call...

Dog the Bounty Hunter. He's brawny and some people find him strangely charmin'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

I just found out why people are buying so much toilet paper.

An asteroid might hit earth in 2020. Paper beats rock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?

B'day mate.

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

Toilet paper shortages causing some communities to resort to using lettuce

When asked about the extant crisis, Dr. Asterac simply stated:

"This morning was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaine's to be seen."

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

I brought my lady friend some toilet paper yesterday.

It's clear she finally found her Prince Charmin.

A 90 year old woman had just lost her husband of 70 years. She phoned the local paper to put her loss in the obituary.

The receptionist tells her that its £1 per word.
"Oh my. I don't have much money so can you just write 'Mort is dead,' please?"

Feeling sorry for the poor old lady, the receptionist tells her she can have another 3 words, free of charge.

The recently widowed OAP thinks for a seco...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who buys all the toilet paper in the supermarket?

A wanker. Why else would they need all of that?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet,

I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a lobster with four packs of toilet paper?

A shellfish bastard.

My work replaced our regular toilet paper with single ply. Everybody hates it...

...Its really tearable.

.

.

part credit to Amb_33 (thanks).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm surprised stores are out of toilet paper and not laundry detergent..

The whole world has been shitting themselves for weeks..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”...

Ass King for a friend...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have uncovered the human psychology behind all this toilet paper hoarding...

That’s just how we roll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

He was so happy that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper headline read:PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATC...

I ate the exam paper

Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

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Bear and a Rabbit talking about the toilet paper shortage,...

The bear says, "It sucks being out of toilet paper. Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says, "No, not really."

The bear says, "Thanks", and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Toilet paper prices are like a cheap circumcision right now

It's a rip off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

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People are hating on me for buying all this toilet paper.

But how else am I going to get through 50 jerk offs a day during the quarantine without it?

The solution to the toilet paper shortage is the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle.

One square at a time.

With all the missing paper towels and napkins everywhere...

You could say that right now, I'm a Bounty hunter

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