Have you heard the joke about paper?

Never mind, it’s tearable.

A pirate wearing a paper towel on his head walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What’s with the paper towel?”

The pirate says “Arrr matey, I have a bounty on me head!”

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

"Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper?"

"It's finger lickin' good"

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

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What does the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

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Dwayne Johnson cuts the toilet paper with scissors to wipe his butt

otherwise he will lose the game

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A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, “What does this remind you of?”

The patient answered, “Sex.”

The shrink drew a square and asked again, “What does this remind you of?”

“Sex,” the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

“It reminds me of sex,” the patient stated. ...

The CEO of the largest paper shredder company in the world just died.

rip.

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in wrapping paper?

So he could live in the present.

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During the toilet paper shortage of the pandemic I found out a way to massively save money on toilet paper

Firstly I bought a bidet add-on kit for my toilet. But the biggest impact on my toilet paper usage has been that I just quit giving a shit.

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When the 2020 lockdowns started, people bought all the toilet paper for their assholes

Well, that's what the claimed. They actually bought it for they're assholes.

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Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

A kid just finished writing his paper for class

He typed the title “1000 Ways To Cure An Itch” to finish it off. Right as he was about to hit save the screen went black. Surprised, he did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work. After a few minutes the boys dad walks in and says “The power went out.”

“What do yo...

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

With only one paper left, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to roll a cigarette or a joint

In the end I decided to spliff the difference

Cop asks for papers.

Cop says papers, I say scissors I win and drive off.

Must want a rematch been chasin me for the last 20mins.

A cowboy rides into town wearing a paper suit. Paper hat, paper jacket, paper pants and chaps, everything he wore was made of paper.

He wasn't in town five minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

Why does toilet paper sell so well?

Because it's on a roll.

The copier says to the paper "Can you hear me?"

The paper replies, "Copy that."

**From my eight year old daughter who WON'T SLEEP

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

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I made a huge breakthrough in toilet paper technology this morning

So now I have to wash the crap off my fingers

I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

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People in Asia hoarded rice, people in Europe hoarded flour, people in America hoarded toilet paper

Conclusion: Americans eat toilet paper.

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Have you tried John Wayne toilet paper?

Well don’t.

It’s rough, tough,and don’t take shit off of anybody!

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How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

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If I ever catch a toilet paper hoarder

I’ll ask them to explain themselves but all their reasons will be shit.

A good pun is like a piece of paper.

Tearable.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

Where did the Terminator find extra toilet paper?

Aisle B, back.

Bag Boy: Paper or plastic, sir?

Customer: Whatever, you pick.

Bag Boy: Sorry, baggers can’t be choosers.

I head into my office to print something out, but the printer is out of paper...

I got some paper to refill it, and that's when I noticed something interesting. The paper company was advertising it's social media accounts... I wondered what the Paper Company was doing with an Instagram account so I decided to check them out. Turns out a large percentage of their posts were about...

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper

They're always plotting something.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

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Why was toilet paper in the Soviet Union really coarse and more like sandpaper?

So every asshole would turn red.

Albert Einstein once published a paper about why he married his second wife.

I call it: The Theory of Relativity.

What did the printer say when it ran out of paper?

Oh sheet

Why are all glasses wearers able to rip paper with just one look?

They have tearable vision.

You know, just based on my “relationship resume,” on paper, I’m a great catch!

In practice, however, I’m more catch and release.

A physicist holds up a piece of paper and says, now imagine we live here...

The flatearther responds, now you're making sense.

Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?

Because it was wiped out

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you can't tell the difference, you will never be invited to my house.

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Me...

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

I have a job at the mint making paper currency.

That’s right, my job isn’t making cents.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

I tried to make a paper plane out of a newspaper.

The right wing was fine but the left wing was trash.

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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

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Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

I really should stop procrastinating on my meteorology paper.

It’s about dew.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

‟How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

‟I am going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man h...

What do you call a paperclip that can't handle the paper?

A little unstaple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

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A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person".

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled: "Therefor...

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

Which superhero delivers the morning paper?

The newspaperman!

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat depar...

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What's the same about the Star Ship Enterprise and Toilet Paper?

They both fly to Uranus and wipe out the cling-ons

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper.

Depends.

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

There was an article in the paper today about Apple and Reddit doing a collaboration.

iReddit

What dinosaur used boulders as toilet paper?

Megasoreass

I hate when I'm wiping and my finger goes through the paper. Happens every time!

That aside, my new job at the old people's home is going well.

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I cringed as my finger tore through the toilet paper,

And i felt the warmth of fresh shit under my finger nail.


Sometimes i really hate my job and this damn nursing home.

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

3-Italian Nuns Go To Heaven

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six-months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And 'poof' she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be...

I miss the days when I could just do crazy things. Like once I went an entire semester only wearing clothes I made out of notebook paper.

College ruled.

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Snatch eating frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says: “Snatch Eating Frogs... $20 each (comes with instructions).”

She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and ...

A bloke is sent by his wife to get snails to make escargot...

"I expect ya back in an hour as the bread's already bakin' and the wine's already breathin' on the table" says his wife .

The bloke walks down the path towards town and the local market. Upon arriving he finds the snails, and he spends a good five minutes picking out the biggest and juiciest ...

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A drunken man who smelled like beer say down on the subway next to a priest...

The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”The priest repli...

What should you do if you run out of toilet paper in the wilderness?

Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

The Test

A teacher has prepared a test for two of her students. One kid is very clever and the other kid is a bit slow, to say the least.

The test has 10 questions and the teacher sits both kids down in the classroom and gives them 45 minutes to complete the test.

Once completed by the students...

Dinosaurs really got wiped out by a rock

Shoulda picked paper

What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

If you said "I don't know," click here:



>!So you're the idiot that ruined my shower curtain!!!!!<

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands....

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

I was going to make a joke about toilet paper

but most of you probably wouldn't get it

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad...

Worried about toilet paper shortage?

Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

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An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and
important document here and my Secretary has gone for
the night. Can you make this thing work?"

“Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine
on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” ...

Dark humor is like toilet paper

Not everyone gets it

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

I ate the exam paper

Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

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New Job

I just got a new job. When I applied the boss bragged about the company being extremely efficient. He said, "Everything is electronic, we don't use one single sheet of paper.

Everything was going great, until I took my first shit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been trying to understand all the toilet paper panic buying.

I think I got it.
One guy coughs and a 100 people lose their shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

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