A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

I ate the exam paper

Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

What do you call a piece of paper with a Bull on it?

Bullsheet.

Yeah it’s really bad I know.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

Why does KFC has no toilet paper?

It's finger liking good.

A cop pulled me over today and said "Papers",

so I said "Scissors" and drove off.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

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What do toilet paper and the USS Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for cling-ons

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You ever realize life is like toilet paper??

One minute you’re on a roll, next you’re taking shit from some asshole

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So I have a 10 page paper to write...

I'm the joke. I've been procrastinating since 2AM.

Edit: Thanks guys! I'm almost done, I'm on the conclusion currently. Will hand it in for my 8AM class.

Edit 2: Done!

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

Want to hear a joke about paper?

Nevermind, it's tearrible.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....

He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion.

Why do they ask "paper or plastic" at the grocery?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

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The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

I actually really like single ply toilet paper...

It helps me stay in touch with my inner self.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

A man works at a paper company

His job was to design a new kind of paper that won't rip apart when you need a paper to last. He spent months working on his newest design, and the day his boss was supposed to come by to see his progress, he was full of hope.
His boss comes to his office, grabs the stack of paper that the man h...

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

A man is looking for a job in the news paper

A man is looking for a job in the news paper and he finds an ad for a donut shop, he applies and almost immediately gets the job.

On his first day he walks in the manager shoves him an apron and says

"all you have to do is sell donuts at the counter"

The man nods his head, pu...

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

Toilet paper is nearly worthless, but you know what is even more worthless?

My high school diploma.

The Boss asks his secretary for some paper

Secretary: A4 paper right?

Boss: No, A for apple.

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I don’t always use toilet paper but when I do...

I use a shit ton

Why did the Asian mom scream at the paper

Because there was a b on it

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom


My daughter told me that this morning, I assume she didn't think of it herself but how old is it?

I laughed.

An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:

1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.

2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.

3. ...

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're *always* plotting something.

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Be careful with NASA’s toilet paper...

It will leave rings around your anus.

I successfully stole a case of toilet paper

Got off Scott free

I used to wrote down all the dad jokes on a paper

but it was tearrible

I’ve started a business selling toilet paper and it’s going really well.

I’m on a roll.

Just got home and realised Staples had sold me a packet of cardboard instead of paper.

I’m writing them a stiff letter.

I just tried out a more durable type of paper.

It wasn't tearable.

What did the paper say to the crayon when he found out that the crayon was pregnant?

Well color me surprised!

I cut myself on a piece of perforated paper.

It was tearable.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

They both boldly go where no man has gone before, searching around Uranus for Klingons.

Two rolls of toilet paper walked into a bar.

...one ran out.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I th...

What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?

Rough.

A number of the jokes in this sub are all paper joke

They're so tearable

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bar tender looks at the pirate perplexed “ Why is there a paper towel on your head?”
The pirate looks at him “ Yarg! There be a bounty on me head!”

Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

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A sad piece of paper goes to a therapist

Therapist: "Tell me where it all started."

Paper: \**tears\**

Advanced parenting

Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes in Christmas wrapping paper. When your child misbehaves, toss one into the fire.

Rock, paper, scissors got complicated.

I was playing it with my deaf cousin, but then he started showing some new signs and I didn't know how to counter them.

I keep hearing music coming from the printer.

I think the paper is jamming.

I tried to make a paper plane, but it didn't go too well

It remained stationery

”Do we need more toilet paper?”

“I don’t know, but if you buy some it wouldn’t go to waste.”

Well, technically it would.”

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

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So three guys are hanging out in their basement,

The first guys says, "Hey, I have a pretty small head, I reckon I have the smallest head."

The second guy goes, "I've got a pretty small nose, I think I may have the smallest nose."

The third guy says, "You know, I think I have the smallest dick."

So the next morning all three o...

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The secretary was leaving the office one night when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?” The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy”

What is the difference between good and bad toilet paper?

One is terrible the other is tearable.

How does Palpatine make paper mache.

Glue it.

A few famous scientists are playing a game of hide-and-seek

Einstein starts looking for everyone. Most of them hide, except Newton, who pulls out a piece of paper exactly 1m x 1m in size and places it on the ground next to him.

When Einstein finds him, he shouts: I've found you, Isaac! You've lost!"

The other physicist replies: "Nope. You must ...

a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

Found this one in the local paper and translated it

So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?

Santa because the first two don't exist.

A roll of toilet paper walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Man, you look awful! What’s up?”
The toilet paper says, “Nothing, really. I’m just wiped.”

A pun I found while cleaning out my school papers

A musician told me he was going to hit me with a guitar.
Is that a fret?

I just got back from vacation. It looks like somebody violently broke into my room looking for something and left papers and thrash everywhere.

Perfect. Everything is just the way I left it.

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I can’t stop making horrible toilet paper jokes.

I guess I’m just on a roll.

Sorry for the shitty joke.

I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

I had a paper joke.

But it’d just fall flat.

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Me (a Mexican): Oh shit, the printer says no papers

Coworker (also Mexican): Oh shit, Donald Trump is gonna get mad

I've always been told, life is like a roll of toilet paper

The closer you get to the end, the faster it seems to go

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A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Jokes on Reddit are like a paper bag

They're 100% recycled material.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

Wife (signing divorce papers): I'm sorry I ever married you.

Me: apology accepted.

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so the new boss is a total ass

doesnt like anyone. I see him standing one late evening by the shredder. staring at it. looking where the buttons are. struggling to see how it works. I decide to help him. get in his good books you know. I ask him can I help, he says yes please with puppy dog eyes. I put the stack of papers in the ...

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3 guys were on a plane

Three guys were on a plane to try skydiving. The 1st guy throws an apple and jumps out. He lands to find a child crying. He asks the child what was wrong.
The child says "an apple came from the sky an hit me on the head" the man apologises
The second guy throws a banana and jumps....

I just saw in the local paper "Barber busted for dealing drugs" and I was amazed. I've been a customer of his for years

and I had no idea he cut hair.

I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but...

It’s tearable.

For my PhD thesis, I wanted to write the best researched paper about General Relativity

But I ran out of time so I failed.

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

The Legend of Curtis

So imagine a dude named Curtis. Curtis had a marker, and a billion sheets of paper. On each of the sheets, he drew the letter E as big as he can fit it into the page. When he finished, he scattered each and every one of those pages all over Earth. They’re pretty much everywhere, there may even be on...

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

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