A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

Why does KFC has no toilet paper?

It's finger liking good.

A cop pulled me over today and said "Papers",

so I said "Scissors" and drove off.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

I ate the exam paper

Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

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What do toilet paper and the USS Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for cling-ons

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You ever realize life is like toilet paper??

One minute you’re on a roll, next you’re taking shit from some asshole

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

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So I have a 10 page paper to write...

I'm the joke. I've been procrastinating since 2AM.

Edit: Thanks guys! I'm almost done, I'm on the conclusion currently. Will hand it in for my 8AM class.

Edit 2: Done!

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

Want to hear a joke about paper?

Nevermind, it's tearrible.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....

He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

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The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I actually really like single ply toilet paper...

It helps me stay in touch with my inner self.

I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion.

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

Why do they ask "paper or plastic" at the grocery?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

A man is looking for a job in the news paper

A man is looking for a job in the news paper and he finds an ad for a donut shop, he applies and almost immediately gets the job.

On his first day he walks in the manager shoves him an apron and says

"all you have to do is sell donuts at the counter"

The man nods his head, pu...

The Boss asks his secretary for some paper

Secretary: A4 paper right?

Boss: No, A for apple.

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I don’t always use toilet paper but when I do...

I use a shit ton

Why did the Asian mom scream at the paper

Because there was a b on it

A man works at a paper company

His job was to design a new kind of paper that won't rip apart when you need a paper to last. He spent months working on his newest design, and the day his boss was supposed to come by to see his progress, he was full of hope.
His boss comes to his office, grabs the stack of paper that the man h...

An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:

1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.

2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.

3. ...

I successfully stole a case of toilet paper

Got off Scott free

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're *always* plotting something.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom


My daughter told me that this morning, I assume she didn't think of it herself but how old is it?

I laughed.

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Be careful with NASA’s toilet paper...

It will leave rings around your anus.

I used to wrote down all the dad jokes on a paper

but it was tearrible

I’ve started a business selling toilet paper and it’s going really well.

I’m on a roll.

Just got home and realised Staples had sold me a packet of cardboard instead of paper.

I’m writing them a stiff letter.

I just tried out a more durable type of paper.

It wasn't tearable.

What did the paper say to the crayon when he found out that the crayon was pregnant?

Well color me surprised!

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

I cut myself on a piece of perforated paper.

It was tearable.

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What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

They both boldly go where no man has gone before, searching around Uranus for Klingons.

Two rolls of toilet paper walked into a bar.

...one ran out.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?

Rough.

A number of the jokes in this sub are all paper joke

They're so tearable

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bar tender looks at the pirate perplexed “ Why is there a paper towel on your head?”
The pirate looks at him “ Yarg! There be a bounty on me head!”

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

A prose met a metaphor at a junction and asked what style are we using for the form papers to which the simile who just happened to walk by responded with

The subjective object of not writing :)

Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

Rock, paper, scissors got complicated.

I was playing it with my deaf cousin, but then he started showing some new signs and I didn't know how to counter them.

”Do we need more toilet paper?”

“I don’t know, but if you buy some it wouldn’t go to waste.”

Well, technically it would.”

What is the difference between good and bad toilet paper?

One is terrible the other is tearable.

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The secretary was leaving the office one night when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?” The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy”

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A sad piece of paper goes to a therapist

Therapist: "Tell me where it all started."

Paper: \**tears\**

How does Palpatine make paper mache.

Glue it.

I keep hearing music coming from the printer.

I think the paper is jamming.

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

I tried to make a paper plane, but it didn't go too well

It remained stationery

A pun I found while cleaning out my school papers

A musician told me he was going to hit me with a guitar.
Is that a fret?

Jokes on Reddit are like a paper bag

They're 100% recycled material.

A roll of toilet paper walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Man, you look awful! What’s up?”
The toilet paper says, “Nothing, really. I’m just wiped.”

I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can’t stop making horrible toilet paper jokes.

I guess I’m just on a roll.

Sorry for the shitty joke.

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A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

Found this one in the local paper and translated it

So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?

Santa because the first two don't exist.

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3 guys were on a plane

Three guys were on a plane to try skydiving. The 1st guy throws an apple and jumps out. He lands to find a child crying. He asks the child what was wrong.
The child says "an apple came from the sky an hit me on the head" the man apologises
The second guy throws a banana and jumps....

Wife (signing divorce papers): I'm sorry I ever married you.

Me: apology accepted.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

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Me (a Mexican): Oh shit, the printer says no papers

Coworker (also Mexican): Oh shit, Donald Trump is gonna get mad

I've always been told, life is like a roll of toilet paper

The closer you get to the end, the faster it seems to go

I had a paper joke.

But it’d just fall flat.

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A guy opens a restaurant in a new city

He comes to meet the small grocery stores and meets the lady :

I need dog food. It's for my dog.

The lady refuses at first, and tells him she wants to see the dog to be sure he won't give the dog food to his customers. The guys leaves, comes back with a dog, and the lady, angrily, give...

I just saw in the local paper "Barber busted for dealing drugs" and I was amazed. I've been a customer of his for years

and I had no idea he cut hair.

I heard Dwayne Johnson is filming a movie about retrieving documents from the leader of ancient Rome

It's going to be a Rock, Paper, Caesar's shoot.

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but...

It’s tearable.

A lawyer, an engineer and an accountant are applying for a job

at the job interview, they each get asked the same simple question, and are told to justify their answer. The question is, "what is two plus two?"

The lawyer takes out his briefcase and produces the 1978 docket wherein the case of Casey vs the State, two plus two was proven to be four.
...

The Cleveland Browns are covering the playing field in cardboard for Sunday's game.

Because they always play better on paper.

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

For my PhD thesis, I wanted to write the best researched paper about General Relativity

But I ran out of time so I failed.

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[NSFW] The Vatican is about to select 5 archbishops from a group of 30 religious and pious priests. Due to previous scandals and accusations the Pope has decided to make the appointment procedure different and complicated so that only the best remains.

All the priests were stripped naked and a bell was tied to their penis. After that right in front of them, a group of 30 gorgeous nude women were brought. The goal was to find out how much resistance the priests have and how strong their devotion to God was. The ladies started to dance, twerk, even ...

I'm looking for the man who wears a paper towel as a hat...

...he has a bounty on his head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

What do you all think about guillotines? [DAD JOKE INCOMING]

They’re good on paper, but I don’t really like the execution.

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