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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're definitely plotting something.

Communism sounds good on paper...

..unless you’re reading a history book.

Why did the toilet paper act so cool?

Because it was on a roll.

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How is life like toilet paper?

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

A cop pulled me over and said "Papers".

I yelled "Scissors" and drove off.

What did the paper clip say to the magnet

I find you very attractive

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

I ran out of toilet paper

and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper

I am in the process of writing a big research paper on hurricanes.

The first draft really blew me away.

There's never any good jokes about pieces of paper.

They're all tearable.

Boating sounds like a terrible idea on paper

But it's a thousand times better on water.

Did you hear they invented an automatic pen and paper for clowns?

The joke writes itself

A woman placed an ad in a news paper...

'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements. He shouldn't beat me. He shouldn't leave me. He should be great in bed.'
Three days later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Tim. I don't have hands, so I can't beat yo...

My paper got rejected because it didn’t have any pictures.

Figures...

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

He got stuck in a crack.

An englishman, frenchmen, and spaniard were racing their cats on a paper boat in the water

They each name their cat the same in each language. The Englishman names his cat "One Two Three". The Frenchman names his "Un deux Trois". The Spaniard names his "Uno dos tres". The race begins, and Uno dos tres wins, with one two three at second place. The Frenchman's cat is nowhere to be found. Af...

Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Never mind—it's tearable."

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

What do you call a guy who lives in a big paper bag?

Russell

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What do toilet paper and the USS Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus and pick up klingons

A pirate wearing a paper towel on his head walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What’s with the paper towel?”

The pirate says “Arrr matey, I have a bounty on me head!”

What does a first grader in math class and me when I'm out of toilet paper have in common?

We have to use our fingers.

CASHIER: Paper or plastic?

CUSTOMER: You choose.
CASHIER: Sorry baggers can’t be choosers.

I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.

As if people dont know what a yacht is for.

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I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean

He said “no shit”

What do you call a piece of paper that can sing

A rapper

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What do you call a lady with a rock hard body having sex with a paper thin lady?

Rock scissors paper

"Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper?"

"It's finger lickin' good"

My son stumbled upon his adoption papers and got upset

I was waiting for the right time to talk about the matter.

Not too worried as he will be with a new family by tomorrow.

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Why do we have so much toilet paper hoarding again?

Because we have too many assholes.

Why doesn’t Charles Barkley like paper?

Because it’s tearable.

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

The CEO of the largest paper shredder company in the world just died.

rip.

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in wrapping paper?

So he could live in the present.

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

what does doomguy do with the wrapping paper when he gets a present

he would rip and tear it.

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Why are people buying so much toilet paper during the pandemic?

Because whenever someone around them coughs, they shit their pants.

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Why did the duck need toilet paper?

For his butt quack

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The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

A cowboy rides into town wearing a paper suit. Paper hat, paper jacket, paper pants and chaps, everything he wore was made of paper.

He wasn't in town five minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Cop asks for papers.

Cop says papers, I say scissors I win and drive off.

Must want a rematch been chasin me for the last 20mins.

With only one paper left, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to roll a cigarette or a joint

In the end I decided to spliff the difference

I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

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A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, “What does this remind you of?”

The patient answered, “Sex.”

The shrink drew a square and asked again, “What does this remind you of?”

“Sex,” the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

“It reminds me of sex,” the patient stated. ...

A kid just finished writing his paper for class

He typed the title “1000 Ways To Cure An Itch” to finish it off. Right as he was about to hit save the screen went black. Surprised, he did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work. After a few minutes the boys dad walks in and says “The power went out.”

“What do yo...

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I made a huge breakthrough in toilet paper technology this morning

So now I have to wash the crap off my fingers

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During the toilet paper shortage of the pandemic I found out a way to massively save money on toilet paper

Firstly I bought a bidet add-on kit for my toilet. But the biggest impact on my toilet paper usage has been that I just quit giving a shit.

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When the 2020 lockdowns started, people bought all the toilet paper for their assholes

Well, that's what the claimed. They actually bought it for they're assholes.

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up.

A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and has his way with him.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pr...

How do you beat Dwayne Johnson in a fight?

Throw paper at him

The copier says to the paper "Can you hear me?"

The paper replies, "Copy that."

**From my eight year old daughter who WON'T SLEEP

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Have you tried John Wayne toilet paper?

Well don’t.

It’s rough, tough,and don’t take shit off of anybody!

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

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Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper
Scissors...

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

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If I ever catch a toilet paper hoarder

I’ll ask them to explain themselves but all their reasons will be shit.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

I head into my office to print something out, but the printer is out of paper...

I got some paper to refill it, and that's when I noticed something interesting. The paper company was advertising it's social media accounts... I wondered what the Paper Company was doing with an Instagram account so I decided to check them out. Turns out a large percentage of their posts were about...

What did the printer say when it ran out of paper?

Oh sheet

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

Where did the Terminator find extra toilet paper?

Aisle B, back.

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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The Older Woman Speeding

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't ...

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An Indian walks into a grocery store...

He's approached by a store associate who asks him "can I have a moment of your time?" The man agrees and the associate explains to him that they are asking customers to try out a new brand of toilet paper and to come up with names to call it based on their experience. So he convinces the man to try ...

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

Respectfully cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. ...

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Why was toilet paper in the Soviet Union really coarse and more like sandpaper?

So every asshole would turn red.

Why are all glasses wearers able to rip paper with just one look?

They have tearable vision.

Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?

Because it was wiped out

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Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

Albert Einstein once published a paper about why he married his second wife.

I call it: The Theory of Relativity.

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you can't tell the difference, you will never be invited to my house.

You know, just based on my “relationship resume,” on paper, I’m a great catch!

In practice, however, I’m more catch and release.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from t...

I tried to make a paper plane out of a newspaper.

The right wing was fine but the left wing was trash.

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

I have a job at the mint making paper currency.

That’s right, my job isn’t making cents.

I got mail the other day from my bank. I opened it up and there was a piece of paper inside that said, "you suck". I called the bank and asked them what the hell this was and they said,...

"It's a statement".

A physicist holds up a piece of paper and says, now imagine we live here...

The flatearther responds, now you're making sense.

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

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A man has an elephant...

A man has an elephant that is getting too expensive to feed, so he puts an ad in the paper for a 50/50 contest. 20 dollars to enter, and if you can make the elephant jump, you win half the pot. Many people try but nobody can do it. One day, a slick guy in a Cadillac shows up puts money in the jar...

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

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A man is resting on a Saturday

A man is resting on a Saturday when his wife comes in, wakes him up and tells him she needs laundry detergent.
He reluctantly gets up, gets dressed and exits his apartment on the 10th floor. He presses the elevator button only to find out it’s broken, he goes down the stairs and goes to the supe...

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Four women went to a vocational testing facility...

Four women went to a vocational testing facility to determine what skills they have that could be useful in the workforce. They entered a room where an instructor greeted them.

"Hello ladies!" the instructor said. "Our process is actually very simple. I will give you five letters, and each of...

Which superhero delivers the morning paper?

The newspaperman!

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

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Why did Hitler lose WWII?

Simple, scissors beats paper

I got an honours degree in calligraphy.

To be honest I don't think it's going to help me get a job,
But it looks good on paper...

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

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