In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

Somebody help me practice rock paper scissors, I suck. Ill go first.

ROCK.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

because it got stuck in the crack

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) I just had my first experience with Anal

That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainl...

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

I'm looking for the man who wears a paper towel as a hat...

...he has a bounty on his head.

What did Ludacris say when he used up the last of the toilet paper?

ROLL OUT!

Found this one in the local paper and translated it

So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?

Santa because the first two don't exist.

Third magic trick now perfected.. transforming myself into toilet paper.

I'm on a roll!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Toilet paper!

They’ve witnessed shit.

I met a guy who works at a toilet paper company

He was quite charmin, I must say.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cheap toilet paper is like a good cowboy

It’s rough, tough, leaves a mark, and doesn’t take shit from anybody

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do the Starship Enterprise and a piece of toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?

She's definitely plotting something.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

Never buy perforated paper

It's a tearable ripoff

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

Guys I know why there are no paper jokes on this sub

It's because they're tearable

Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!

Einstein’s Dad: Damn son, it’s about time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A paper bag walks into the doctors because he's feeling a little down

Has some tests and come back a week later.

Doctor says, "I'm sorry son, but you're HIV positive"

The bag is in disbelief "How can this happen, I'm a paper bag?"

"Have you ever had unprotected sex?"

"We'll no, I'm a paper bag"

"What about sharing needles"

"No...

Did you hear the joke about the inexpensive tissue paper?

It's really tearable.

Why don’t they have any toilet paper in KFC?

Because it’s finger lickin good!

Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?

Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing

What's the difference between cars and toilet paper?

You can buy a used car.

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

What do you call a sleeping paper towel?

A napkin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A participant in a duel showed up armed with a pencil and paper,

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

Year 2108 :A guy writes a suicide note on a paper

_Can't find a tree to hang_

I learned a spell that stops paper from tearing!

It's a Can'tRip

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whoever said technology would replace paper....

has clearly never tried wiping their butt with an iPad.

I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.

I asked who got papers, and they took off running.

Why did the paper lose the race against the rock?

Because it was stationary.

My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet.

I bet she is plotting something against me.

I was recently asked why I bought paper with dolphins on them

Because the paper was multi-porpoise.

​

​

I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

I saw some suspicious people at the store buying graph paper...

I think they are plotting something.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone stole my toilet paper...

But I don't mind it.


They must have shittier life than me.

On an examination paper, The professor required his students to sign a form stating they had received no outside assistance...

....Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script....

...and then said: "You can sign with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...

He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss is always complaining about the toilet paper at work.

For Christmas, I sent him a 12-pack of ultra soft bathroom tissue and a Christmas card which read: “To the sensitive asshole that sits in the bossman’s chair.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

I see the local baker was enjoying his mild celebrity status in the town paper after saving a drowning man..

He was acting really flan buoyant .

||||
|:-|:-|:-|
||||

​

A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, "papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

What do you call a bathroom with no toilet paper?

Scott Free

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts

Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”

His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?”

“Just rub toilet paper between them.”
Startled, the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”

“I don‘t know, but it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just found an origami porn channel.

But it's paper view only.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's worse than a cardboard box?

Paper tits

'A Tale of Two Cities' was originally serialized in two local papers in the British Midlands.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

How much did the piece of paper love the binder?

A hole punch

A lot of people will prefer luxury toilet paper over cheaper brands;

But on the whole they're no different.

What happens when toilet paper grows up big and strong?

It becomes a toiletry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’
The next day her door bell rings, looking down on her doorstep was a man with no arms and legs.
He says “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away....

I entered 10 puns in my local papers joke competition.

None of them won. In the response they told me no pun in 10 did.

Paper cuts are like German sausage

The wurst

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

No toilet paper

Two women walking home drunk had to pee so they went into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath. The next day their husbands were talking. We'd better keep an eye on our wives, one said, mine came home without ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If white people are white paper, and black people are black paper. Then what are Mexican people?

Construction paper

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call Sean Connery inside a toilet stall without any toilet paper?

"A Shituation."

"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"

"No..."

"Hey, everybody! I found the guy!"

A pen and paper were arguing

In the middle of the fight the paper lays flat and says, “You know what, you write.”

Pen and paper is a great way to write things down, but I prefer using white boards

They’re just so remarkable...

I just got some Sudoku toilet paper

Sadly, I can't complete it because I can only fill it with 1s and 2s.

I don’t see why people are mad at me for wasting paper

It literally grows on trees

My wife got mad at me for buying $10,000 worth of toilet paper.

She said i was flushing all of our money down the drain.

My professor said to put my name on the top of my paper

I was super confused. It was just too thin!

My teacher accused me of plagiarising my paper.

His words. Not mine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was going number 2 when i realised there was no more toilet paper

It scared the shit out of me. I guess I don't need to wipe anymore.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between fresh air from the forest and paper towel?

The first one is nothing but clean air,

While the paper towel is nut n' butt cleaner.

Did you hear the one about the Logical Induction paper?

I don’t know if it exists, but there are good papers leading up to it.

Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock. He was Boulder.

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad

That fly didn’t stand a chance.