I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

I finally got the attention of a hot girl

That's the joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra....

What did the buddhist monk say when he walked up to the hot dog stand?

"Make me one with everything"

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband takes hot wife to the zoo.

They walk around and see the Tiger, then they move on to next cage and see the bears and after they see all the animals they go and see the gorilla, they get really close the cage and the gorilla gets a bit exited about the hot wife, so husband notices that and tells the wife,
"Hey babe lift up ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

How do you Measure how Heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper Is?

​

​

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Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

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This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.

Just two palms and no dates.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

Hot women are like magnets

I don't understand them.

Netflix has asked viewers to please stop referring to Ted Bundy as "Hot"

As he was electrocuted in 1989, they are fairly certain he has cooled off by now.

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday

That makes the amount of girls I made wet this year -1

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my female hot boss came to me..

She said: All you do is work. Dont you like having fun? I replied "Thats why you pay me". She stared at me disappointed. Then she replied: "i have something else in mind. Why dont you come over my house later for dinner? I was shocked. After all im a married man and my wife is a really jealous woman...

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

One hot summer day in the city...

A group of boys are hanging around on the corner with nothing to do. One of their mothers opens her window and shouts down to them "hey you boys better stay outta trouble! Go on and buy yourself something to keep you busy!" And throws a $5 bill down to them.

One of the boys grabs the money a...

What do you call a hot zombie?

a zombae

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I met a girl at a bar and we ended up hooking up......

We were going at it hot and heavy and soon the pants came off. One look at her woman parts and I just couldn't stop myself. I blurted out "Damn you've got a huge pussy! Damn you've got a huge pussy!"

Shocked, she responded "Yeah, I have heard that, but you didn't have to say it twice."
...

I had been told that Hot Chocolate and Churros were a must on my trip to Barcelona...

So on the final day of my trip to Spain I had carved out some time to head down to the ramblas to a little shop that supposedly had he best hot chocolate and churros in the world. Having read that the lines were often long I had allotted a good three hours thinking it would still give me plenty of ...

What did the judge say to the hot lawyer?

You’re attorney-ing me on.

I own this legitimate hot drink.

It's my proper tea.

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his beautiful blonde wife liked to sunbath in the nude. On a trip to the Caribbean, the man fell asleep in the hot mid-day sun...

... while his wife was out shopping. Hours later he woke up with a terribly painful sunburn on his privates. The hotel medical attendant recommended applying cold milk to his penis to prevent blistering.

His wife came home to find her husband sitting with his member soaking in a large saucer ...

A pair of Amish girls visiting NYC decide to try hot dogs for the first time

They buy two hot dogs wrapped in foil from a street vendor and sit down on a nearby bench, excited to finally try this modern cuisine.

The first girl opens the foil, blushes with embarrassment, and shyly asks the second girl, "What part of the dog did you get?"

What did the Italian chef say to the hot girl?

Nothing.
He just drove right pasta

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a hot nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to...

My best friend: “There’s a really hot girl coming over, you gotta join us.”

So I go over there, and we go hard for like 40 minutes.


Then I was like: “Yo timeout... When does that girl get in here bro?”

An ice cream man is driving his truck on a hot summer day.

He glances in his rear-view mirror, and notices a man running behind the truck. The man looks sweaty and exhausted and it's clear that he's been chasing the truck for blocks, if not longer. The driver immediately pulls over. "I'm sorry I didn't see you!" he says to the man when he gets to the window...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked a hot woman at the gym what her New Year's Resolution is.

She replied "Fuck you". I'm pretty excited about the upcoming year!

There’s a joke about a hot stove top...

But I just can’t put my finger on it .

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl.

I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."

But.....she did.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a cold hot dog?

A chilly Willy

My crippled friend said he wanted hot wheels for his birthday

So I lit his wheelchair on fire

I can't go anywhere without my hot chocolate.

I'm cocoa dependent.

Why is hot friendlier than cold?

Because heat waves but cold snaps.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a hot 50 y/o woman at a bar last night

She looked too fuckin good for a 50 y/o lady. I talked to her and drank some beers, and she asked if I've had a "Sportsman's double" before. "What's that?" I asked and she replied it's a mother and daughter threesome. As my mind began to embrace the idea, I began wondering how hot her daughter is an...

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

“I know this is difficult for you ma’am, but we need to know exactly how you were tortured by the accused. You said that after the hot poker came the pliers pulling out your toenails, but each time you start to tell us the final torture, you break down. Now take a deep breath, & tell the court...”

“Well”, she sobbed, “before he let me go [sob] he made me... he made me........ watch ‘Holmes and Watson’ twice in one sitting”

The Sun looked down at me, smiled and said, “Good morning. Want some light?” I exclaimed, “What a beautiful day! Thanks Sun!" The Sun chuckled, “Here’s some heat as well." Sweating, I groaned, “Wow, it's getting hot now." Menacingly, the Sun roared...

“It’s going to get hot when I expand and destroy your planet in a few billion years!"

I shot back, “Not if we destroy it first!"

On a hot, windless day the president was out touring a new wind farm. Frustrated by the lack of good video footage, the president knocks on the base of a turbine and asks, “Why won’t this thing spin for me?”

“Oh, its not a huge fan.” The developer explained.

A woman takes her hot 18-year-old daughter to a doctor

A woman takes her hot 18-year-old daughter to a doctor.

As they enter she says to the doctor: "Hi, we're here about what I suspect to be a simple case of the flu, but I thought it'd be best to get a professional opinion"

The doctor says "no problem", goes up to the daughter and asks he...

Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."

They all giggle and fan themselves.

The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."

They all turn slightly red and sip their ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I would tell you guys a long-winded tale involving the singers of "It Wasn't Me" and "Drop It Like It's Hot"...

...but I don't think you guys would have time to read yet another Shaggy/Dogg story.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is another name for a Japanese hot tub?

A Yakuzzi

These hot green peppers won’t stop with the personal questions.

It’s like they’re jalapeño business.

A man was suffering from a sore eye every time he had a hot chocolate.

He went to see his eye doctor who performed tests on his eye. It was red and inflamed but the doctor couldn’t find the reason why.

Baffled, the doctor analysed the hot chocolate, and had it sent off to the best labs to see if the man was suffering from an allergy. The results all came back i...

Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road?

To get to the Otherside.

There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

The doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.

I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

Stolen joke - why are weather girls so damn hot ?

Global Warming

Baby, you're so hot, you're an absolute 10

... on the Kelvin scale.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I get boners when I see hot girls

I was walking in a store one day looking down at my phone, being unaware of my surroundings I walked into someone.

When I walked into the person I made them drop the books they were carrying.

My cock immediatly flicked up as soon as I realized it was a hot girl, trying really hard to h...

A college guy meets a hot chick at a frat party

They end up in her dorm knocking boots; he’s living every freshmans dream! After a breather, he notices the girl has tears in her eyes. He asks her what’s up and she says “I haven’t been truthful to you; I was raised as Christian” he shrugs. “ so? College life’s about experimenting and finding yours...

I miss those hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked.

My cab drivers keep reporting me to the cops.

What is something cannibals would consider as a hot potato?

A guy with a fever.

My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

Two elephants are sitting in a hot tub...

One turns to the other one and asks “Do you have any soap?”

The second elephant replies with, “no soap, radio.”