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A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"

The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"

Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during ...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

What do you call someone who electrocutes hot dogs?

Frank Zappa

Why are so many Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars Fords?

So kids can get used to pushing them at an early age

A Buddhist goes to a hot dog stand

And says, “make me one with everything”

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I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

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Have you ever use Taco Bell hot sauce as anal lube?

I hear that shit's fire.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says “geez it’s hot in here”. The other replies:

“AHH! A TALKING MUFFIN”

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Ladies; When a guy calls you hot, he's looking at your body...

When a guy calls you pretty, he's looking at your face.

When a guy calls you beautiful, he's looking at your heart.

All three guys still wanna fuck you, though.

Why does a stadium get hot after a game?

All the fans leave!

What did the monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything!

So the vendor makes a dog with the works and gives it to the monk.

The monk hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor pockets it and starts serving other customers.

The monk says wait, where is my change?

Vendor: change comes only from...

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

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Two young attractive men walk into a bar and order a couple of beers. Upon noticing two hot babes sitting at a table, alone, they summoned the bartender to send two drinks to the table.

The bartender warned them "Guys, they're lesbians, and they'll have no part of you."

After persisting, the bartender finally sent two drinks to the lesbians sitting at the table. The two lesbians invited the men to join them, so they obliged.

One lesbian asked one man if he would like ...

What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

Why is it so hot in an Apple building?

It’s because they don’t have windows.

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It was hot today, so I dragged a box fan from the basement and lifted it into a window to suck the warm air out of the house.

It was exhausting.

A man is lost in a hot air balloon

He sees a field below and descends to shout:
"Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes."


The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field"
...

What does Will Smith say when he touches a hot stove

Ahhhh that's hot

An man sets his old hot water tank out as garbage.

The next morning the garbage men ignore it. So the next week he sets it out again but in front on his bins this time. The garbage men grab the trash behind it and leave the hot water tank. The next week he puts a sign on it that says "Take this". So the garbage men take the sign and leave the tank. ...

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A couple from a conservative town are getting hot and heavy...

...and the guy asks the girl for a blowjob. The girl was lost, but not wanting to seem sexually inexperienced, decides to go for it. She lets him guide her head towards his crotch, at which point he stops, waiting for her. She's thinking hard and fast now, and in a moment of inspiration, begins to f...

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

A Hot Thai Nurse

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.


As usual he was asked to...

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Some kids are cool... Other kids are hot...

But I’m in the fucking middle being damn room temperature

Guys hate it when you refer to one of their kids as “The Hot One”.

My uncle does, at least.

do you know how to tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

you give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

What do you call a group of disabled people in a hot tub?

Vegetable soup.

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them.




They’re imaginary too...

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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

How did the hipster burn his mouth from hot chocolate?

He drank it before it was cool.

I was joking around with my girlfriend the other day, and she asked me how she got 'such a hot boyfriend ;)'

So should I break up with her for cheating or...?

My hot ex from high school messaged me saying she’ll be in town for a day, but it just so happens to be on my fathers birthday.

So now I have to choose between the person I lost my virginity to, or my ex-girlfriend.

Girlfriend wanted a smoking hot body.

So I cremated her.

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

RIP hot water

You will be mist.

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I got the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' mixed up

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

A hot teacher walks into a classroom of 20 boys

All 40 stand up...

My doctor told me I was hot

The thermometer read 41°C

A Motivational Speaker Runs a Hot Dog Stand

A customer comes and buys a hot dog. The hot dog costs $3 and the customer gave a $5 bill. The Motivational Speaker takes the $5 and pockets it.

The customer, now angry, shouted "Hey! Gimmie my change!"

To which the Motivational Speaker responded, "Change is from within."

The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?

Cremation.

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

A penguin is driving through the desert on a hot summer day.

Suddenly, his car breaks down. He goes to the local auto mechanic to fix it. The mechanic says "Come back in 30 minutes and I'll tell you what's wrong" Meanwhile, the penguin is really hot in the desert. He goes and gets a vanilla ice cream to cool down. However, in the hot desert, the vanilla ice c...

how hot is a tauntaun?

its luke warm...

“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.

“What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly.

&#x200B;

The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, “They’ll probably think I married you for the money.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was little, my Mom would always tell me: "If something's hot, blow on it."

On a side note, I just got arrested for sexual harassment today.

My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

Your girlfriend thinks I'm hot

Help me buy her some glasses.

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot. You can always catch a cold

My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

I finally got the attention of a hot girl

That's the joke.

I met a person with rhotacism the other day and found him to be very racist

He told me the way he sees things is you're either white or wrong.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband takes hot wife to the zoo.

They walk around and see the Tiger, then they move on to next cage and see the bears and after they see all the animals they go and see the gorilla, they get really close the cage and the gorilla gets a bit exited about the hot wife, so husband notices that and tells the wife,
"Hey babe lift up ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I met this smoking hot lady once and after a little chat, she takes her top off

Things were going great, she let me cup her tits, but the second I started sucking on her nipples she says “I’m getting my mammogram done somewhere else”

A hot girl just winked at me with both eyes

Later virgins!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.

Just two palms and no dates.

What happened when things got hot between the doughboy and his girlfriend?

They bread.

Is your girlfriend smoking hot?

Slow down and use some lube, bro!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I find Dyslexia really hot

After all, you can't spell "Dyslexia" without "sexy"

How do you get a smokin' hot bod in no time at all?

Cremation

The hot dog

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too good, either.

Deciding he'd better not take any chances, the guy orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.

The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her ar...

I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl.

I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."

But.....she did.

Netflix has asked viewers to please stop referring to Ted Bundy as "Hot"

As he was electrocuted in 1989, they are fairly certain he has cooled off by now.

Theres a new computer that begins swearing whenever it gets too hot

They had to install a heat censor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees this hot girl

Guy: Hey there, would you like to hear a joke about my penis?

Girl: Ok, tell me!?

Guy: Let it be, it's really long!

Girl: Hey, do you want to hear a joke about my vagina?

Guy: Yeah, tell me

Girl: Forget it, you'll never get it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

A man walked into a hardware store and asked "how much is that thot".

"What?" asks the clerk.

The man pointed to the garden tools. "That hoe over there."

Hot women are like magnets

I don't understand them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my female hot boss came to me..

She said: All you do is work. Dont you like having fun? I replied "Thats why you pay me". She stared at me disappointed. Then she replied: "i have something else in mind. Why dont you come over my house later for dinner? I was shocked. After all im a married man and my wife is a really jealous woman...

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

I went to the local hot dog guy and said, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure. It shouldn’t be long.”

Me: In that case, can I get two?

How to end a conversation with a really hot girl you befriended online ?

Reply: "I am from Delhi,India."

What's the opposite of a hot dog?

A pupsicle.

A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says,

“Give me a hot dog and put everything on it.”

(My son told me this and honestly, I don’t see the humor in it.)

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