My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

A man is lost in a hot air balloon

He sees a field below and descends to shout:
"Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes."


The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field"
...

A Hot Thai Nurse

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.


As usual he was asked to...

Two muffins were sitting in an oven, one muffin says, "wow it's getting hot in here!"

The second muffin says "oh my god a talking muffin"

What do you call a group of disabled people in a hot tub?

Vegetable soup.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

How did the hipster burn his mouth from hot chocolate?

He drank it before it was cool.

What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

My hot ex from high school messaged me saying she’ll be in town for a day, but it just so happens to be on my fathers birthday.

So now I have to choose between the person I lost my virginity to, or my ex-girlfriend.

My doctor told me I was hot

The thermometer read 41°C

RIP hot water

You will be mist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' mixed up

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

how hot is a tauntaun?

its luke warm...

I was joking around with my girlfriend the other day, and she asked me how she got 'such a hot boyfriend ;)'

So should I break up with her for cheating or...?

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot. You can always catch a cold

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was little, my Mom would always tell me: "If something's hot, blow on it."

On a side note, I just got arrested for sexual harassment today.

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?

Cremation.

Turns out the abominable snowman is actually quite nice. I asked if he had something hot to drink,

He answered "Yea Tea".

My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I met this smoking hot lady once and after a little chat, she takes her top off

Things were going great, she let me cup her tits, but the second I started sucking on her nipples she says “I’m getting my mammogram done somewhere else”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

Your girlfriend thinks I'm hot

Help me buy her some glasses.

A hot girl just winked at me with both eyes

Later virgins!

I finally got the attention of a hot girl

That's the joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband takes hot wife to the zoo.

They walk around and see the Tiger, then they move on to next cage and see the bears and after they see all the animals they go and see the gorilla, they get really close the cage and the gorilla gets a bit exited about the hot wife, so husband notices that and tells the wife,
"Hey babe lift up ...

What happened when things got hot between the doughboy and his girlfriend?

They bread.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I find Dyslexia really hot

After all, you can't spell "Dyslexia" without "sexy"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hot blonde doctor made a statement about premature ejaculation on TV.

I came to the conclusion

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra....

The hot dog

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too good, either.

Deciding he'd better not take any chances, the guy orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.

The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her ar...

The Monk and the Hot Dog stand

A monk walks up to a hotdog vendor. The vendor asks what he would like. The monk replies "make me one with everything"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.

Just two palms and no dates.

Netflix has asked viewers to please stop referring to Ted Bundy as "Hot"

As he was electrocuted in 1989, they are fairly certain he has cooled off by now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees this hot girl

Guy: Hey there, would you like to hear a joke about my penis?

Girl: Ok, tell me!?

Guy: Let it be, it's really long!

Girl: Hey, do you want to hear a joke about my vagina?

Guy: Yeah, tell me

Girl: Forget it, you'll never get it!

Theres a new computer that begins swearing whenever it gets too hot

They had to install a heat censor

How do you get a smokin' hot bod in no time at all?

Cremation

I went to the local hot dog guy and said, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure. It shouldn’t be long.”

Me: In that case, can I get two?

What's the opposite of a hot dog?

A pupsicle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

So this hot babe goes to a fancy dress party stark naked and rings the bell.

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The host opens the door and sees her standing there brazenly, tapping her forefinger on her chin.
Host: “ What are you?”
Hot babe: “A self-tapping screw!”

Hot women are like magnets

I don't understand them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my female hot boss came to me..

She said: All you do is work. Dont you like having fun? I replied "Thats why you pay me". She stared at me disappointed. Then she replied: "i have something else in mind. Why dont you come over my house later for dinner? I was shocked. After all im a married man and my wife is a really jealous woman...

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday

That makes the amount of girls I made wet this year -1

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I met a girl at a bar and we ended up hooking up......

We were going at it hot and heavy and soon the pants came off. One look at her woman parts and I just couldn't stop myself. I blurted out "Damn you've got a huge pussy! Damn you've got a huge pussy!"

Shocked, she responded "Yeah, I have heard that, but you didn't have to say it twice."
...

I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl.

I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."

But.....she did.

Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

One hot summer day in the city...

A group of boys are hanging around on the corner with nothing to do. One of their mothers opens her window and shouts down to them "hey you boys better stay outta trouble! Go on and buy yourself something to keep you busy!" And throws a $5 bill down to them.

One of the boys grabs the money a...

I had been told that Hot Chocolate and Churros were a must on my trip to Barcelona...

So on the final day of my trip to Spain I had carved out some time to head down to the ramblas to a little shop that supposedly had he best hot chocolate and churros in the world. Having read that the lines were often long I had allotted a good three hours thinking it would still give me plenty of ...

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

I own this legitimate hot drink.

It's my proper tea.

A pair of Amish girls visiting NYC decide to try hot dogs for the first time

They buy two hot dogs wrapped in foil from a street vendor and sit down on a nearby bench, excited to finally try this modern cuisine.

The first girl opens the foil, blushes with embarrassment, and shyly asks the second girl, "What part of the dog did you get?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a hot nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to...

What did the Italian chef say to the hot girl?

Nothing.
He just drove right pasta

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his beautiful blonde wife liked to sunbath in the nude. On a trip to the Caribbean, the man fell asleep in the hot mid-day sun...

... while his wife was out shopping. Hours later he woke up with a terribly painful sunburn on his privates. The hotel medical attendant recommended applying cold milk to his penis to prevent blistering.

His wife came home to find her husband sitting with his member soaking in a large saucer ...

What did the judge say to the hot lawyer?

You’re attorney-ing me on.

What's the hardest part of putting a baby into a hot oven?

My throbbing erection

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a hot 50 y/o woman at a bar last night

She looked too fuckin good for a 50 y/o lady. I talked to her and drank some beers, and she asked if I've had a "Sportsman's double" before. "What's that?" I asked and she replied it's a mother and daughter threesome. As my mind began to embrace the idea, I began wondering how hot her daughter is an...

My best friend: “There’s a really hot girl coming over, you gotta join us.”

So I go over there, and we go hard for like 40 minutes.


Then I was like: “Yo timeout... When does that girl get in here bro?”