Hot Jokes - 93 Hilarious Hot Jokes

What gets burning hot right before it freezes?

A laptop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot Irish Blonde at Casino

A Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm ."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the D...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

My hot female doctor said I was sweet!!

Her exact words were, severely diabetic, but I know what she meant..

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

Girl winks at the bartender and asks, "Is it true hot chicks don't pay for their drinks here?"

Bartender: "Yes, that's been our policy for years! Here's your check."

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, ...

Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto

Ignore him.

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a hot day at the end of summer, and ...

A man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.

Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."

Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said " you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

A 60 year millionaires is getting married. His friends are jealous and one of them ask how he landed such a hot 23 year old blonde beauty...

"Simple", grins the millionaire.

" I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...

he replies: " I said i was 87"

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

A hot naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

Hot girl at prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually get...

Met a hot girl in the bar

She said if I give her 500 bucks she'll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

On a hot Ramadan day...

On a hot Ramadan day, the Bektashi and his friend are caught by the police while eating watermelon in public. Both are taken to the police station. The commissioner asks the friend:

"It's the holy month of Ramadan, aren't you ashamed to eat openly?"

The friend, with a bowed head, can't...

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

My friend’s hot mom had a nervous breakdown

It was a serious milfunction

I just slept with this smoking hot girl...

It was a lucky strike.

What the hot bride said to her stockbroker husband the day after they were married.

Past performance is not indicative of future returns

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch cold.

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot...

but honestly... I'm not a fan.

Hot dog

(Half of this joke is translated from another language so i don't know if it's as good as the original when told in English)

Two foreigners come to United States for the first time.

They have very little knowledge about U.S. culture,

So they stop at a fast food place.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snow White and the Prince decided to buy the Seven Dwarfs a hot tub.

They all got in and started feeling Happy. So he got out and left, now they're all Grumpy.

The hot farmer

A hot, sweaty farmer walks into a bar and orders a cold beer. "Dang, our baler broke down in the field today, and its humid and 100+ degrees out," the farmer complains. "I'm so hot and sweaty from repairing that thing that I just want to rip off all my dirty, sweaty clothes and run around the bar in...

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

It was so hot today...

That I actually saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My hot neighbor wanted to have all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door . . .
I rushed to open it.
She...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to * us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to you,though

Why do all hot dogs look the same no matter where you see them?

They’re in bred

It is hot, has curves, and is a thirst trap.

The sun is literally the perfect girl.

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to share a hot dog with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.

He told me, “ off! Get your own.”

I like my men how I like my coffee

Sorta hot and picked up at the gas station

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

I tried to start a hot air balloon company

but it never really took off.

So I was meeting my hot Tinder date in the restaurant…

… as she was about to sit down at the table, I asked, “Shall I push your stool in?”

She answered, “Let’s first see how this date goes…”

Hot Shot CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! Th...

Man, it's so hot outside...

I saw a crackhead putting copper wires back in his AC

What does garlic do when it’s hot…

It takes its cloves off

My son told me that he was feeling hot while drinking alcohol

I said, "That's the spirit"

hot older men in your area

Want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat?

At the end of a long, hot day, what do cartographers crave most?

Shaded relief

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot and cold

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After I have with my wife, I
am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have with h...

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

Why is it so hot at the Grateful Dead concert?

Because their fans don't work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

Elon Musk's DM to a hot girl: "Will send pics of my rocket. Lots of thrust. Gets up fast! Wink. Wink." Girl responds…

"Would be nice if it didn’t explode after 2 minutes."

Every morning this week my girlfriend and I have been getting all hot and sweaty in the shower.

Cold handle's broken. Plumber'll be here Tuesday.

My wife asked me why hot air balloon rides are so expensive.

I said "inflation".

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...

If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was ill, this woman kept me safe and provided me with a hot beverage made from a stallion's urine that she found in a narrow place.

Lady...if you're reading this,

thanks for the horse piss alley tea.

My wife has clamored for months for plastic surgery so she could have a smoking hot body….

After seeing the doctor’s estimate, I told her cremation seemed more cost-effective.

A scientist was walking on the street during hot summer day.

"Damn, it's hot" he complained.

"Tell me about it" said the Sun above.

Scientist was surprised.

"Wow! Sound propagation through space!"

A hot girl asked me if i wanted to watch a movie

Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie

She asked, "What would you like to see?"

I said, "You pick".

She said, "You pick".

I said, "I don't care, you pick".

She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

My buddy said I need to "get out more, stop messing around with computers and find a woman", but little does he know, I'm about to date a really hot ~20 year old server.

It's a Generation 6 Dell PowerEdge 1650 that I had to turn off because it burnt my rug and my best estimate is that it was made circa 2002.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

I organised a raunchy, hot last night...

There were a couple of no-shows, but I had a good time anyway....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the club last night i bought this hot girl a drink.

I then watched her give that drink straight to her boyfriend. Usually that would piss me off, but it was just as funny to watch him drink that Roofie.

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if ...

What do you call a spoiled hot dog?

A Brat.

PSA: If you have been a cold drink on a hot day…

…you may be entitled to condensation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

What do you call someone who microwaves hot dogs?

Frank Zappa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking on a hot summer day

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking on a hot summer day. When they pass a lake, the rabbi suggests they go swimming.

Since neither of them has a bathing suit with them, they bathe naked. Just as they come out of the water, a family with children appears.

The rabbi immediately cov...

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

(One for those in the UK today) I'm not saying it's hot in my living room...

But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

Last evening when I came out of hot shower after a long day of work, I saw my dog eat my watch.

It was time consuming.

How do you tell a hot dog to be quiet?

Hush puppy!

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

I wanna have a smoking hot bod for once in my life

That’s why I’ve decided on cremation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party.

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party. The theme is "snacks" so they decide to go as a pair of popular candy bars.
The party is a real blast and the brunette is having tons of fun, but the blonde is just kind of off to herself with no one giv...

You Know It's Hot When ...

Cows are giving evaporated milk ...
Chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs ...
Catfish are already fried when caught ...
Jehovah Witnesses start telemarketing ...

A Kirby guy on a hot day…

A door to door salesman was walking down a street in a very hot day, when he came across a pair of little girls selling lemonade.

Taking a break, he buys a big glass and goes to sit under a large elm tree.

Suddenly, he hears a guy yell “Nice suit buddy, did you buy it at the goodwill s...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.