What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.

Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

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I get the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?

Relish it.

My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

I was talking to a hot girl at my friends funeral

I got mourning wood

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

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A guy gets arrested by a hot female cop..

..she says, "anything you say can and will be held against you." The guy thinks for a second and says, "tits."

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

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My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and s...

What's black, hot, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven hawking after a house fire.

A hot blonde girl walks up to a guy at the bar . . .

she says "Hey there gorgeous what are you drinking?"

He said"This? This is magic beer"

What do you mean magic beer?

Have a look at this - he takes a large gulp, walks up to a concrete wall and punches a hole in it

That's amazing said the girl, what else can it do?
...

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My German girlfriend must think Im really hot

She keeps yelling "Nine Nine Nine!" when we have sex.

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed...

What does a hot pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face.

Me seeing a hot girl half my age in the gym: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked you out in here..."

Her: "I'd go out with you"

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What do porn actresses say to each other when they see a hot new hunk on set?

Get a load of that guy!

The banquet manager was walking by holding a hot bowl of soup...

She said "hot stuff coming through"

I responded "oh? What are you carrying then?"

I got called hot today

Well, more specifically it was "hot mess", but I'm focusing on the positive.

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

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A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"

The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"

Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during ...

“It sure is hot down here”

-Jeffrey Epstein 5 minutes ago

Six dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy...

So happy got out.

A hot woman dies...

... and three saints see her. And they can't decide who should be with her. They decide to roll dice and the one with the highest number should have her. The first saint has a three. The second has a five . And the last one has a six. And just as he walks toward the woman a dice falls from sky: seve...

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He ***reduces*** his ***altitude*** and ***spots*** a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, ***hoveri...

A rabbi, a bishop and a hot blonde walk into a bar...

The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

I made a diss track about s’mores only one artist said it was hot

Marshmello

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Satan is doing his weekly Hell inspection when he finds a man on fire in a sun chair with a piña colada. He asks him “aren’t you hot?”

No, I’m from Phoenix. It’s rather chilly in here.

Say something hot

Wife to husband:
\- Say something hot!
\- **BURN IN HELL!**

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

It's so hot today

That I saw two lamppost fight over a dog.

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

Educated People Are Really Hot

They have a lot of degrees

My grandmother is still pretty hot.

Just got her remains from the crematory.

I decided to change my diet; I’m starting to eat hot poultry sandwiches.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

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Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

For a while I was a hot dog vendor. One time this guy walked up to me and asked me to make him one with everything.

So I pulled out my gun and shot him in the face.

Some people say that when a pepper is really small it's a sign that it is very hot...

...but, in reality, it's a little chili

On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hotdog.

She walks to the nearest hotdog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst. He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it, and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the...

A good friend of mine, Frank, owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business...

He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though, and is determined to make every post a weiner.

I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

A hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said, "What would you like to see?"

I said you pick, she said you pick.

I said IDC you pick.

She replied, "Sir, there are other people behind you to buy tickets."

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

Two Accountants

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat! After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what yo...

It so hot...

I’m sweating like R Kelly at a PTA meeting

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I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says “geez it’s hot in here”. The other replies:

“AHH! A TALKING MUFFIN”

If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother?

Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

Hot Cross Bunnies!

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When you want to stay strong and it's dark, and you feel blood rushing to your head, and it's getting really hot, and it feels like the world is closing in around you, just remember...

... You're a Penis and this is normal.

How does a "niceguy" measure how hot a woman is?

Incelsius

I thought it would be hot to wake my girlfriend up with oral.

But she woke up before I could even get her mouth open.

Why are so many Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars Fords?

So kids can get used to pushing them at an early age

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, M...

What do you call someone who electrocutes hot dogs?

Frank Zappa

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It's Hot Outside...

Temperatures are so high that my testicles hit a new low...

What do you cover yourself with at night that can keep you hot and cold?

A bipolar blanket

"Hey man look at that new trainee, She is hot, I think she is 36C"

Out of nowhere HR Manager comes behind me and says "What did you just say?"

I replies "Do you want to hear it in Fahrenheit ?"

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and sm...

It was so hot today that I didn't dare to leave my dog alone in the car.

In the end I decided to leave my baby there too to keep him company.

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Have you ever use Taco Bell hot sauce as anal lube?

I hear that shit's fire.

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A cowboy rides into town on a hot day

He ties his horse to the hitching post outside the saloon, then walks around behind the horse, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the asshole. Then he walks into the saloon, orders a whiskey and downs it.

The cowboy tips his hat to the bartender and walks back outside where he proceeds...

I know a guy who has the hots for this Russian girl

He tells me everyday how he wants to get into her pants. After hearing the same thing for the last eight months, I told him to quit Stalin and Putin her already.

Hot Lady walks into confession: I’m sorry daddy, I’ve been a very naughty girl..

Father: for the last time, it’s “Forgive me Father for I have sinned!”

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is in a hot tub.

Stu

Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?

Because the sauce ages

Why does a stadium get hot after a game?

All the fans leave!

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Man in a hot air balloon is lost over West Virginia

He looks down and sees a redneck on the porch of his trailer and shouts down to him

“Where am I ?”
The Redneck looks back up and shouts back,

"You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

Why does Ken feel so hot?

He’s waiting in a Barbie queue.

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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

Want to become hot stuff and have people chasing after you and literally begging you to stop running away from them?

Be a bus driver

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

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