UPJOKE
warmtorridsultrycolloquialismfieryred-hottemperaturesizzlingblisteringfastspicyheatedferventthermalcalorific

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to...

My friend’s hot mom had a nervous breakdown

It was a serious milfunction

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, ...

A 60 year old billionaire is getting married to a hot 25 year old woman

At the bachelor party, the first thing the billionaire's friends ask him is how he landed such a hot young woman.

"Easy," he said. "I lied about my age."

"Ah, you told her you're 40 or 45?" one friend asked.

"No," he replied. "I told her I'm 85."

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it’s starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “d...

My wife still thinks I’m hot after all these years

Every time I walk away from a conversation she mumbles “what an ass”

It’s so hot this summer…

The Halloween candy at Walmart is starting to melt.

(One for those in the UK today) I'm not saying it's hot in my living room...

But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it.

It was so hot today...

That I actually saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog.

Last evening when I came out of hot shower after a long day of work, I saw my dog eat my watch.

It was time consuming.

You Know It's Hot When ...

Cows are giving evaporated milk ...
Chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs ...
Catfish are already fried when caught ...
Jehovah Witnesses start telemarketing ...

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

A hot girlfriend is like a job

It’s easier to get one once you already have one…

Life is like a nice, hot, bath.

The longer you're in it, the more wrinkles you'll get.

Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto

Ignore him.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

What does Winnie the Pooh put on his hot dogs?

Honey mustard

My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the s...

Don Quixote and his horse Rocinante slowly stumble into town on a hot day.

The local hotel manager sees him and rushes out to see if they need aid, offering water.

"We're fine, you peasant." says Quixote.

The hotelier protests, "It's a very hot day, and I'm worried that your old horse has heatstroke as he looks about to topple over!"

Don Quixote grimac...

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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

If the sun is too hot...

... don't touch it

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

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What's the most annoying thing about carpenter porn?

The ads about hot shingles in your area.

It's another hot day, so I've opened all the windows and stripped off all my clothes .... it feels fantastic

The other people on the bus are complaining though

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

In this hot weather...

...it's important to remember that old people and children can die in cars.

You have to weld the doors shut, mind, and make sure they don't have anything to break the windows with though

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

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Democrats are sexier than Republicans

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Is it true that Democrats are generally considered to be more attractive than Republicans?" he asks the bartender. "Well, have you every heard of a hot piece of elephant?" the bartender responds.

A really hot gal in my apartment complex said she wanted us to be "friends with benefits"

Does anyone know where I can get a group health insurance plan?

What's a foot fetishist's favorite food?

Hot dogs.

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Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

Landmark

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when ...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .

Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.

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Hot and cold sex

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her...

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I asked the hot girl in gym " Whats your New Year Resolution?"

She said "Fuck you!"

I'm now eagerly waiting for the year to end!!

A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...

What does garlic do when it gets too hot?

It takes its cloves off.

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

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New Lover

A man got married to a hot (unknown to him, vampire) woman and took her out for dinner. The next day she was very ill and complained of chest pains, then she vomited fire and the bathroom burned down.

"What did you feed her" asked his friend.

He said that his dish was garlic shrimp. He...

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Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

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Three moles are crawling through their borrow on their way to breakfast, one right after the other.

The first mole says, “I can already smell that sizzling bacon.”

The second mole says, “I’m pretty sure I can smell hot pancakes with fresh butter and syrup.”

The last mole says, “the only thing I can smell is molasses.”

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

I didn't think it was possible for anything to be hot and cold at the same time.

Until I discovered necrophilia.

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I got confused with the words jacuzzi and yakuza...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

3 men are going to the desert.

A Ukrainian man, Polish man and Russian man.

They can only bring one item each. The Ukrainian man decides he will bring a case of water. The Polish man decides he would like to bring a Camel. The Russian decides he will bring a car door with him.
When they arrive at the Desert they are ...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

I wanna have a smoking hot bod for once in my life

That’s why I’ve decided on cremation

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he’d like to drink and he replies, “a bloody Mary, of course.”

The bartender then asks the second bloodsucker what he wants.

“A dark glass of red. A cabernet, perhaps.”

Finally the barkeep makes his way to third vampire to find out wha...

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

2 women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"...

4 men were talking inside a bar.

One of the men went to the bathroom and the other men started talking about their sons.

The first man says: "My son is so rich, he just bought a mansion and gave it to his boyfriend".
The second one said: "My son is so rich, he bought a Ferrari and gave it to his boyfriend"
The third on...

Educated people are hot.

Because they have high degrees

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My girlfriend said my dick reminded her of a star. I asked, "Because it's hot and brightens your day?"

She replied, "No, because it's a white dwarf."

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Three leaders of the free world and Putin walk into a inn looking for a hot bowl of stew

Biden, Macron, Zelenskyy, and Putin walk into a inn hungry for a bowl of hot bowl of stew. The innkeeper apologizes, saying that the last bowl went to the woman in the corner with her baby.

They think they can get it off of her.

So Macron walks up to her and says, "Bonjour Madame, I...

What do you call it if a bunch of people in comas drown in a hot tub?

Vegetable stew.


Not mine, and yes I know it's tasteless.

Probably as tasteless as the stew.

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You never told me about that hot date...

A man comes home to see his roommate sitting in the dining room drinking coffee.

"Hey man, you never told me about that hot date you had a little while back! What happened?"

The man suddenly bursts out crying and runs off to his room slamming the door behind him.

The roommate th...

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I was sitting in my new class one day.

I was sitting in my new class one day, waiting for the period to start, when this really hot girl walked in. She was looking at me throughout the whole period. So after class I decided to walk up to her and ask her for her number.

I was a bit ugly so she looked at me weird, but reluctantly s...

A chemist goes to England for the first time

He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter:

“Why is it so humid in here?”

The waiter responds “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting h...

After so long of Hell being just too hot...

The inhabitants decide to steal a/c units from Heaven and install them, making the place a little more comfortable. When the inhabitants of Heaven learn what's been done, they lash out in outrage. "How dare you! We'll sue you!" they cried.

To which Hell's residents replied: "You can try, s...

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A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

I've heard of swamp crotch...

...but it's been so hot. It's more like Niagara Balls.

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

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Man was riding a bus and noticed one hot nun.

He tried to talk to her but she ignored him and left the bus on her stop. When he was leaving the bus the bus driver stopped him and told:
- I saw that you liked that nun and I know how you can fuck her. Come to the cemetery at midnight dressed as Jesus - she will be praying there. And if you'll ...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

I organised a raunchy, hot threesome last night...

There were a couple of no-shows, but I had a good time anyway....

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now…

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Are you a cigarette ?

Because you’re smoking hot and I want to put your butt in my mouth.

Blarney

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good lu...

My friends laughed at me when I said I had a hot date and said that she was imaginary.

The joke is on them, though. They’re imaginary, too.

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A man and his friends go duck hunting.

They’re sitting in a duck blind and huge flock flies over them. One of his friends yells “FIRE!”

The man takes his shotgun and hits a duck, but it lands on the roof of a barn. The man walks over to retrieve his duck and is met with a grumpy farmer.

The man says, “Hey me and my buddies...

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

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A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

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Reddit should add separate NSFW tags for gore and porn

I'm so tired of my boners being ruined by these hot ladies.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

In the vicinity and unnoticed by the young master is his fiercest rival.

As the young master turns his back, the rival makes a silent attempt on his life.

The butler, always prepared to defend his charge, rushes ...

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A cowboy riding his trusty horse, stopped at an old tavern.

He got in and yelled "Bartender! Gimme a drink, will ya? One that's really strong!"

"Right away, sir." The bartender complied, and poured him a glass of a strong and fine scotch. However, after drinking it quickly the cowboy got angry, and made a scene.

"What the hell was that? If I as...

If I had a nickel for every time I was called hot, I would be the U.S.A

28.7 trillion dollars in debt

Thirsty teen takes his hot blonde date to prom

Walks into the school gym and is pleasantly surprised to find no punch line.

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Two muffins are in an oven

One says, "It's getting really hot in here!"

The other responds, "Fuck me, a talking muffin!!!"

My bait had a hot flash.

I think it has minnowpause

Three construction workers dig up a strange old lamp at a job site

A genie pops out and says, "Since you three found me at the same time, I will grant each of you one wish!"

The first worker blurts out, "I want to live in a mansion on my own private island!" and POOF! he's gone, now laying back in a chaise longue in the Cayman Islands.

The second work...

German Joke from the 1910's

My grandfather told me this joke in the 1960's, when I was a kid. He had heard it when he was a kid in the 1910's (he was born in 1904), in Hungary:

Some boys were walking to school in the morning, and on the way they passed a plum tree. There were plums all over the ground under the tree, s...

A man had a horrible stabbing pain in his eye every time he drank a hot toddy.

He went to the doctor to try to rectify it.

“It’s important,” his doctor told him, “to take the spoon out of the cup before you drink it.”

Happy hot toddy day!

My wife told me I was hot today

Then she told me to move over to my side of the bed

Vader's son spill some hot coffee on himself

He isn't burnt, just lukewarm

Two buff Chinese men gain American citizenship

After ten long years of living in the States, they decide to celebrate by meeting at a local Chinese restaurant that afternoon.

Both men wanted to show that their toughness hadn’t faded over the years, so they order the hottest and spiciest soup the restaurant has to offer.

While waiti...

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Doctor: So you have bad and good news, which one you wanna hear first?

Patient: "Please, the bad one"

Doc: "Ok you have 1 month left to live"

Patient: "Damnn and what's the good wtf?"

Doc: "Do you see that hot nurse over there? Yep we are fucking"

Hi there

Cop's havin a sit-down one morning and a car zips past him clearly and unbelievably speeding at a heluva clip. Our cop gets in gear, hits the lights and races off in hot persuit. After some wild chasing he finally catches up and pulls the car over. As he walks over slowly, the window rolls down and ...

How to get the husband hot and heavy

Two women are talking about their love life over coffee.

"I don't know what to do" groans Margie, "I'm too shy to ask for it, and he doesn't initiate enough!"

"Well," said her friend Sharon, "I have a surefire way to start up my husband."

"Oh?" asks Margie, "DO tell!"

"We...

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The tourist and the French girl

An American tourist visited a 5-star hotel in Paris.
As he sat at the bar, enjoying his drink, a red hot French girl in a red dress, came to him and said something in French, which he wasn't able to understand.
Unable to get over her heavenly body mixed with the heady aroma of her French perfu...

The Lord of the Manor had a butler called Wibble, One day he called Wibble and said, “What about running my bath Wibble.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?” said Wibble.

“Yes Wibble, what about my dressing gown.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?”

“Yes Wibble, what about my carpet slippers.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?”

“No Wibble,...

What does the crime stoppers hot line and a gloryhole have in common?

The tips will always remain anonymous

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

The cost of forgetting fresh, hot tea...

...is steep.

So, joe biden walks into a bar and sees a hot, young woman sitting alone at a table....

Hey there, do I come here often?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

Why do you never use a cannon in hot weather?

It shoots itself at 90 degrees

How do you make a hot dog stand up?

You take away it’s chair

Hot dogs

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign for the special of the day: hot dogs -- regular, bun length, foot-long and colossal. "Give me two hot dogs," the guy tells the bartender. "How long do you want 'em?" the bartender asks. "Oh," the guy replies, "I thought I'd get to keep them."

These two dudes are lost in a stolen airplane, one said he was a pilot but who knows, anyway they need to land this hot airplane somewhere before they get low on gas

They're freaking out when all of the sudden they see a runway.

The guy on the controls says "There's the runway, bro!"

Other guy is like "Oh man I don't know that runway looks really short, dude."

The guy flying is like "No bro that is definitely a runway let's do this"
...

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