A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

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How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day?

Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt

She felt the same way

So I turned on the air conditioner

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To all the hot women out there: I may be 50 years old,but I have the body of a 25 year old model with a 12 inch dick

In my freezer.

You know the scene, balding dude in a convertible with a hot chick.

She peels off her top and says "Faster you go, the more i take off!"

She's down to her socks and he's doing 120 mph when they crash. Dazed and confused she finds the driver pinned in the car and goes for help, but all she can find to cover her bits is his shoe.

Stumbling out into the h...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

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Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was.

She replied fuck you!

So I'm pretty excited for the new year!

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof!

A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the ...

If Hell is red hot, dry and mostly empty,

then how do Australians realize that they're dead?

The one about the Buddhist Monk and the Hot Dog Vendor

A Buddhist monk says to a hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor hands him a hot dog with the works, and the monk pays $20.

"Where's my change?" asks the monk

"Change comes from within," replies the hot dog vendor.

They say reading is hot. So I started studying philosophy.

Now all of my relationships are platonic.

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2 Muffins are sitting in an oven. One says “It’s a bit hot in here”

The other replies “Holy fuck a talking muffin”

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John to sex worker: Damn, it's hot in here, do you have an AC?

"Nope I have only fans"

An engineer dies and goes to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensati...

Educated people are hot

Because they have more degrees

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”…

But she did.

What's the opposite of a hot dog?

A chili dog

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

My thermos flask keeps my hot drinks hot, cold drinks cold

But how does it know?

Do you sell hot dogs?

Because you sure know how to make a wiener stand.

Why did Peter put Icy-Hot on his sore shoulder?

For Pete’s ache.

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got B...

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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

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This hot Russian babes comes up to me and says, "Hi! I'm Natasha..."

I said, "Ok. You're *not* Tasha. So who the fuck are you?"

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

At first my wife was angry that I bought a hot-tub without asking her

But she's slowly warming up to it

I finally got the nerve to ask out the hot French exchange student...

But for some reason, instead of answering, she commented on my recent growth spurt.

But her English isn't so good and I had to correct her.

"No no," I said, "there is no 'ARE' in the sentence. It is just 'You grew some'."

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

While I was cleaning the pool one hot day...

I overheard my college daughter’s friend:
Your dads hot!
Daughter: really??
I smiled
Friend: I think he’s suffering heat stroke, you should tell him to get in the shade

What did one hot dog say to the other?

I'll be frank with you

How hot is the core of a Jedi lightsaber?

Lukewarm...

So I invested in a hot air balloon company...

And it's really taken off

Who doesn't like hot wings?

Icarus

What happens when Vanilla Ice gets hot?

>!You get bean water.!<

What do you get when you add pool noodles to a hot tub?

Spa-ghetti

A man with a family and a 5 year old daughter frequently visited his hot neighbour at her house in morning.

But the neighbour had a son who was about 6 years old. One day, as a way to distract and have some private time with his mother, he said

A: Go to the patio and look at my house to see if anyone's there. If you find anyone inform me.

The son went as usual to check the neogbour's hous...

A woman awakes in the middle of the night...



...to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
...

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A male praying mantis sees a hot praying mantis at the bar

"Hey girl... you want go back to my place?"

"fuck off!"

"OK, woman, no need for you to bite my head off...unless you want to."

The problem with being a hot communist is that...

...everyone wants a piece of you.

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Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

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Hot n’ steamy.

I used to be the center of all the guys attention. When I woke up, men would be lined up waiting for me at the door.
Every time I changed clothes, used the bathroom, or took a shower, they’d try and have their way with me.
I’ve had so much sex that I lost count.
After they were satisfied, I...

2 monkeys sat on a branch, one says "ooh ooohh aha ha aha!"

The other says "careful, that's hot."

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There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex

Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature

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As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi..... FUCKING SHIT!! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: "I ...

2 dragons walk into a bar

The first one says "it's hot in here."

The second one says "shut your mouth"

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" mixed up

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

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My girlfriend’s sister is Hot!

my gf called me to her house one day. i went there & found her sister alone in the house. she was unbelievably sexy than my gf. she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, make love to me once" i turned around & walked to thefront door towards my car. amazingly i found my gf standing ...

Black Widow is just the right amount of hot.

In other words, Natasha Warm Enough.

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I had sex with a hot dog vendor

She enjoyed it with relish.

A Sensitive Guy

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bed...

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

My pal was horrified when he hot his huge water bill...

I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

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Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

There's a trick to eating hot air balloons.

They're really good when you get it down.

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3 Homosexuals are sitting in a hot tub...

All of a sudden a load of cum rises to the top of the water.


One of the homosexuals says:


'Ok, who farted?'

What does a hot pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face.

A concert promoter walks into a bar

A concert promoter walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that they are easing the Covid restrictions have you been able to plan any big events?" the bartender asks. "Well, we're planning a Foreigner reunion concert for later this summer. But we're still going to require mandatory temperature ...

What did the hot girl say when she was overcharged for her bikini wax?

That was a rip off!

What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig?

One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham.

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island.

Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection . Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach,...

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3 boys met a genie on a cliff

The genie promise them each a wish.

They are to shout out their wish while they jump down the cliff. The further they can jump, the more they will get from their wish.

The first boy ran and jumped while shouting "Money!!"
As he landed on the ground, a load of money fell from the sk...

I think my fat girlfriend is hot.

She's been sweating profusely.

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

The day when my laptop was bored :(

The other day, my laptop asked me "Can we do something **hot,** just turn me on?!"

I replied, "Absolutely!!"

I opened **Android Studio** along with **30 chrome tabs**.





It was the **hottest thing** we ever did.

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A man went out in the kitchen after hot sex with a blond woman

He went for a cold glass of milk

When he was about to drink, he looked down on his burning hot dick after sex and instead put his dick into the glass with cold milk

Out from the bedroom came the blond woman and said:

“You can’t fool me. I knew it had to be refilled”

A Hot Guy Took His Shirt Off

Now he’s just cool

Married life!

One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, b...

What is faster Hot or cold?

Hot because you can catch a cold

(my teacher made this joke, and he isn't on reddit so I felt the impulse to share it)

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

"If you do the right thing you'll get a reward" I say to my friends

I do it since I pulled a baby out of a hot car and I got the neat sound equipment I wanted as a reward.

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says "try a speedo". So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren't reacting. So his...

Got in trouble with wife last night....

I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova.
She said "Because I am so hot?"
I shouldn't have replied "no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate."

Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?

All of the fans left.

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3 men in a desert...

3 men had been crawling through the dry hot desert for 14 days and nights.
They were buggered, had enough.
One of them spotted a tree in the distance. Upon getting closer there was a house.
They jumped up and ran over.
It was the first civilisation they had seen for weeks.
And wh...

So, joe biden walks into a bar and sees a hot, young woman sitting alone at a table....

....He sits down next to her and says “So...do I come here often?”

A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny:

A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave.

Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave.

The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor."

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.

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Hot Tip :

When someone yells pickpocket start searching for your wallet near your groin and exclaim" Thank God my wallet is safely tucked in between my testicles." The pickpocket will see this and assume that the wallet is there. These people usually have very supple and delicate hands so when they try to tak...

Hot actors are like hot ovens

It usually makes the news whenever someone puts a baby inside them.

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Gopal Bhaar and the best feeling

Gopal bhaar was a witty man, called on a lot by the king.
On a hot summers day, the Maharaja calls on his trusted advisors and ask them what the best feeling in the world is.

A lot of feelings go into the pool, happiness, orgasms, seeing your child being born, and so on.

When it co...

An inquisitive cowboy ambled into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe without realizing it had recently come out of the forge.

Dropping it, he shoved his burned hand into his pocket and tried to appear nonchalant.

“Kinda hot, ain’t it?” asked the blacksmith.

“Nope,” said the cowboy. “It just don’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”

I just can't stop ogling at hot 18 year olds dressed in nothing but panties.

I could say I've a knicker teen addiction.

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law.

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened."

His friend responds" Well if it has happened only once, maybe...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

I kept on bragging to my hot girlfriend about how rich my father is.

They are married now.

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The Farmers Daughter

Three college guys were driving in a car when it broke down way out in the boondocks. Two of them were normal enough but the third was kind of simple, and they looked out for him.

When their car broke down, they walked to the nearest farm house. It was freezing rain, so they asked if they cou...

How does a Russian refresh himself on a hot day?

With a Cold War

What’s hot and cold at the same time?

A frozen Jalapeño

Blackberry Hill

A man tending bar was working as usual with a small number of people. A guy walks in with his pants slung over his shoulder, clearly sweating, his hot dog on full display. The bartender takes one look at him and asks, "What happened to you?"

The guy responds "I was on top of Blackberry Hill."...

50th Wedding Anniversary

It's the morning of a couple's 50th wedding anniversary. They're sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast and reading the newspaper.

The wife looks at the husband and says "you know, if this was 50 years ago, we'd be sitting at this table naked".

The husband replies "you know what...

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NSFF: Secretly taped me and my wife having sex...

It was kinda hot seeing her disappointed face from another angle.

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

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Amanda and Bob are walking through the village on a hot day, both very thirsty.

They both see their friend Carl walking to his house with a bucket full of water in his hands. Bob asks him "Carl, where'd you get all that water you're carrying?" to which Carl responds "Oh, I went down to the... uhh... the hole in the plaza that goes down into the earth and there's water at the bo...

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