What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?”

“It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!”

“I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?”

Smiling mischievously, th...

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.

Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.

Why do athletes never get hot?

Because they have lots of fans

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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I saw this hot chick in the park. Sparks flew and we were having sex in no time

Man I love my taser

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Her: “Sex last night was ok.” Him: “Sex last night was so hot, we set the bed on fire!”

Fact vs. Friction

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand

The monk says “Make me one with everything.”

The vendor says that’ll be $3.50. The monk asks for change, to which the vendor replies

“Change comes from within.”

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Cyclops came in the cave all angry and hot

Cyclops: I know you are cheating on me! Who are you fucking!

Wife: Nobody!!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything"

I had a hot girlfriend but then she sent me an email in Helvetica and I had to move on.

Not my type

3. A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replies...

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

Pet birds are the hot Christmas gift this year

They are flying off the shelves

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

Why was it so hot after the football game?

Because all the fans left.

I was bragging to my friends about how I had a date coming up with this hot girl...

My friends laughed and made fun of me, saying that she probably doesn't even exist.

But the joke's on them, because they don't exist either!

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A vampire walks in a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says “Hot Water? I thought vampires drink blood”

The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says “I’m making tea”.

HOT AIR BALLOON

One day an American, Asian and an Australian were in a hot air balloon when they started to fall so the pilet said "each of you need to throw out one thing you have too much of". So the American started by throwing out hamburgers saying " we have too many of these in our country". Then the Asian wen...

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Ghost on ghost sex is so hot...

Boo-kake anyone?

What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick?

He took her out.

What do you call a French hot dog?

A Oui-ner

I finally told my hot coworker how I felt, and she said she felt the same way.

So we turned on the air conditioning.

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A Hot blonde on a cruise ship...

Finds out her mother has fallen ill and is dying rapidly. The captain of the cruise ship walks by the hot blondes room as he over hears her sobbing. He asks "what's wrong ma'am?" she looks up with tears in her eyes and says my mother is dying and I have no way of contacting her out here on this ship...

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[inventing the hot air balloon...]

I don't give a fuck where I go.

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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Me: Oooooo handcuffs. That's pretty hot!!! What's our safe word?

Cop: Man, what the fuck is wrong with you???

I just called the Tinnitus Hot Line

It didn't stop ringing

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My hot neighbour and her boyfriend made a sex tape recently

Obviously they don't know that yet.

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My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and s...

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My brother Jacks off to a hot date tonight

Fuck I forgot the apostrophe

What was Icarus’ least favorite food?

Hot wings.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

What should you do if your soup is too hot?

Add a chilly pepper.

What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?

Relish it.

How do you get a smoking hot lover?

Stop using lube and go really fast.

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My wife said if this gets to hot she will lose her anal virginity tonight!

Please don’t, she’s out of town until next week

I just had a very serious discussion about hot dogs,

It was a frank discussion.

Why are squares so hot?

Because its corners are 90 degrees

My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

Why is it so hot in New Orleans right now?

There’s no Brees

I was talking to a hot girl at my friends funeral

I got mourning wood

I found a baby locked in a hot car at a Texas grocery store so I tried to throw a rock through the window.

Turns out, the window was down.

I ruined that baby's whole week.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee.

Oh, I've tried other enemas…

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A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"

The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"

Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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What do porn actresses say to each other when they see a hot new hunk on set?

Get a load of that guy!

It was really hot today.

It was so hot that I took all my clothes off and opened all the windows.

I felt brilliant, but I think the other people on the bus were a bit shocked.

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

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My German girlfriend must think Im really hot

She keeps yelling "Nine Nine Nine!" when we have sex.

Have you ever noticed why hot-dogs all look the same?

It's because they're in-bread.

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him "Excuse me can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2 346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says "You must...

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Six dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy...

So happy got out.

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A guy gets arrested by a hot female cop..

..she says, "anything you say can and will be held against you." The guy thinks for a second and says, "tits."

A hot blonde girl walks up to a guy at the bar . . .

she says "Hey there gorgeous what are you drinking?"

He said"This? This is magic beer"

What do you mean magic beer?

Have a look at this - he takes a large gulp, walks up to a concrete wall and punches a hole in it

That's amazing said the girl, what else can it do?
...

I have only ever seen hot air balloons in the morning

I guess they’re all early risers

What's black, hot, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven hawking after a house fire.

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I mixed up “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” by accident.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and ...

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I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

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A vampire walks into a bar.

A vampire walks into a bar, he goes over to the bar and says"Bartender I would like two shots of blood." The bartender reaches behind the bar, and pours him two shots of blood.

Another vampire overhears, and decides he would like two shots of blood. The bartender once again pours him two shot...

What does a hot pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face.

“It sure is hot down here”

-Jeffrey Epstein 5 minutes ago

Me seeing a hot girl half my age in the gym: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked you out in here..."

Her: "I'd go out with you"

The banquet manager was walking by holding a hot bowl of soup...

She said "hot stuff coming through"

I responded "oh? What are you carrying then?"

I got called hot today

Well, more specifically it was "hot mess", but I'm focusing on the positive.

How do you view posts from two years ago in r/jokes?

Sort by hot.

The accident

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, B...

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

I’m reading this hot new book on the power of super glue.

I just can’t make myself put it away now, I'm too stuck on it.

A rabbi, a bishop and a hot blonde walk into a bar...

The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

Say something hot

Wife to husband:
\- Say something hot!
\- **BURN IN HELL!**

A hot woman dies...

... and three saints see her. And they can't decide who should be with her. They decide to roll dice and the one with the highest number should have her. The first saint has a three. The second has a five . And the last one has a six. And just as he walks toward the woman a dice falls from sky: seve...

I made a diss track about s’mores only one artist said it was hot

Marshmello

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Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

It's so hot today

That I saw two lamppost fight over a dog.

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A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face

The bartender says “why are you so happy?”

The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position...

Some people say that when a pepper is really small it's a sign that it is very hot...

...but, in reality, it's a little chili

Satan is doing his weekly Hell inspection when he finds a man on fire in a sun chair with a piña colada. He asks him “aren’t you hot?”

No, I’m from Phoenix. It’s rather chilly in here.

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A new member of a big game hunting club shows up to a the welcoming ceremony

The young member wants to hear some great hunting stories so he finds the oldest man at the ceremony and says "Sir, I know you have some great hunting stories, tell me your best one."

The old man is happy to share his experiences with the young member. He starts out by saying "it was 1947, me...

Albert's wife, Ruth died. The day of her funeral, he showed up with a hot 21yo blonde.

Albert was ruthless

For a while I was a hot dog vendor. One time this guy walked up to me and asked me to make him one with everything.

So I pulled out my gun and shot him in the face.

On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hotdog.

She walks to the nearest hotdog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst. He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it, and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the...

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

My grandmother is still pretty hot.

Just got her remains from the crematory.

I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

A hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said, "What would you like to see?"

I said you pick, she said you pick.

I said IDC you pick.

She replied, "Sir, there are other people behind you to buy tickets."

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

Why are so many Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars Fords?

So kids can get used to pushing them at an early age

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says “geez it’s hot in here”. The other replies:

“AHH! A TALKING MUFFIN”

I decided to change my diet; I’m starting to eat hot poultry sandwiches.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

A good friend of mine, Frank, owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business...

He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though, and is determined to make every post a weiner.

How many hot girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don’t know ask Dan Bilzerian.

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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

The cowboy

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the s...

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