I tried making plans with the farmer that hays my field....

But he always bales.

Hay-fever got arrested today

Got charged with an antihistaminor

“ Hay Ernie would you like some ice cream?”

“Sure Burt”

Did you hear about the hay that got arrested for stealing a box of Wheaties?

Cops said it was the last straw, but let him out on bale.

Happy National Tell A Joke Day!!!

They say making hay is difficult...

I don't know, it seems rather cut and dried...

Did you guys hear they’re gonna start making round hay bales illegal?

Apparently it’s something about the cows needing 3 square meals a day

What do you call Australian hay?

Hi. (Say it out loud)

Today I learned that cows can't eat the round bales of hay.

Because they need to have a square meal.

What do you call a religious pile of hay?

A Christian bale.

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

If hay is for horses, what is for unicorns?

Haaaaaaaaay

In recent news, a man who was charged with impersonating a hay stack

Has been bailed

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.



But hay, it’s in my jeans.

My sister has hay fever.

She was also recently diagnosed with diabetes. I tried to cheer her up, you know, flowers, chocolates.

How do you find a needle in a hay stack?

Lock a junkie in the barn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

My girlfriend has been having a really hard time with her hay fever and diabetes, so I thought I’d get her something nice.

Nothing fancy, just some flowers and chocolates.

I got a new cylindrical bailer for the hay, but the cows all rebelled...

...they wanted three square meals a day.

A farm boy went on a date...

The next day after the date, while he was baling hay, one of his friends told him that the girl he went out with thought he was too shy, and should have made a move on her. He looked at his buddy and said, "Tell her to meet me by the rockpile tonight. I'll be a little bolder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men meet at the top of a tall building with a wizard

The wizard said "If you jump off the building and say the name of an object, that object will appear beneath you."

The first guy, being the luckiest, jumps and yells "PILLOWS." Pillows appear beneath him and he lands on them safely.

The second guy jumps and yells "HAY." He lands safely...

Did you hear they banned round hay bales in Kentucky?

Cows couldn't get a square meal.

(h/t my grandma who tells this joke like it is her job)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bales her hay and the other hails her bae

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when,

Through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the
left. He then hunches his shoulders forw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Sunday morning in the middle of a blizzard

One Sunday morning in February, the young new pastor slowly made his way to the rural church in the middle of a blizzard, arriving with just five minutes to spare. He walked in, turned on the lights and looked around. No one else was there.

As he was about to turn everything off and go back...

Ventriloquist and the farmer

A ventriloquist was walking past a farm and saw a farmer sitting on his porch. “I’m gonna screw with this guy” he thought and walked over to say hi.

“Hello farmer. I can talk to animals. Mind if I talk to your dog?”

The farmer scoffed, “Sure buddy. That dog hasn’t ever said a word to ...

I used to live in the middle of Kansas, but I remember very little.

It was all a Hays.

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

Lourdes

A bar raises $1000 to take a wheelchair bound patron to Lourdes in the hope for a miracle cure.
They get there and dip the man and the wheelchair into the fountain. They pray for his problem to be fixed and when he come up. Hay presto.
The wheels on his chair have stopped squeaking.

I like calling my wife hay.

It’s easier when I don’t have to lie to my friends about hitting the hay.

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

What does an Italian cow say when he gets an extra delivery of hay to the barn?

That's amorehay!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi, my name is Rico the Rooster, and I’m a sex addict.

Over the course of 12 months, Farmer Ted saved every penny that he could to purchase the prize winning rooster known as Rico. Little did he know, Rico the rooster was a sexy addict. Farmer Ted returned home from the prize winning rooster auction and began to introduce his farm animals to Rico, as so...

Hay gurl

are you a gorilla enclosure? Cause' I wanna drop a kid in you.

A man's car breaks down in the middle of a snow storm

While searching for help he finds a temple. The man knocks on the door and an old monk comes and greets him

Man: Hay can you please help, my car broke down in the middle of the snow storm

Monk: Yes of course please come in

The man enters the temple and is given food, water and a...

How do you get hay out of prison?

You pay its bale.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food,...

Did you know those round bales of hay you still see in fields were outlawed?

Yep. The cows weren't getting a square meal.
**Great road trip joke—never gets old* ^(to ^me)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men snuck onto a farm in the middle of the night

to stir up some trouble.

A black guy, a spanish guy and a polish guy.

They throw some rocks and break some windows, they tip a cow or two and just generally run amuck.

The farmer hears all the ruckus and comes running out with his shotgun.

"who goes there!? Get off my far...

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

Have you heard about the type of hay made from oak leaves?

Apparently it's OK

A horse walks into a barn

A horse walks into a barn

The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

What do you get when a Catholic priest baptizes hay?

You get a Christian Bale

i saw a female scarecrow

And I said hay girl

Two couples decided to go camping one weekend...

so they pick out a nice little area to set up camp. What they didn't realize is they set up camp on a Native American reservation. Not only that, they only brought one small tent!

So after setting up camp and having a delicious fish dinner the couples decide to hit the hay for the night but t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Why was the Hay Robber's prison sentence cut short?

He got out on bale.

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do n...

Why is hay so unreliable?

It keeps baleing

My horse keeps getting aroused whenever I try and feed him

Maybe I should stop feeding him 50 shades of hay

A pastor is walking down a path

When he spots a young boy, frantically lifting hay bales onto an upended cart. The boy is sweating profusely, and the pastor says to him: "Son, you are working very hard, very hard indeed. It is a hot day, perhaps you should take a rest?"

"Oh no, sir, my father would not like that. I must...

A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

Two farmers are having a conversation over a fence...

One farmer looks over the other's shoulder and spots two cows grazing on the field behind him.
He asks the farmer "-By the way, how much milk do you actually get out of a cow?"
"The white one or the black one?" The other farmer asks.
"Oh, the white one then." Says the first farmer. "A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fifty bucks

A mother tells her son to go into town to sell their duck for food money, the boy does as she says and goes into the town square. There he meets a young lady on the street corner who tells him "I have a few uses for a duck but I don't have any money, what do you say we go inside and roll in the hay ...

A Halloween Joke

A skeleton, a jack-o-lantern, and a scarecrow are hanging out in a corn field.

The skeleton fancies the jack-o-lantern and says, “Never have I seen eyes shine as bright as yours, only adding to the beauty of such a glowing smile.”

The jack-o-lantern, however has a crush on the scare c...

What did Buckwheat from Little Rascals feed his horse?

Oat Hay!

A new high-tech, fully automated supermarket opened recently in town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.


In the meat departmen...

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the celiac say to the farmer?

Miss me with that hay shit

Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!

Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off

Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out

Bad news: The parachute failed midair

Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are standing on a roof.

A man who claims to be a magician approaches the three.
"If you jump off this roof, whatever you yell on your way down is what you shall land in," the magician tells them.
The Englishman, obviously the bravest of the three, volunteers to go first. He jumps off the roof, and on his way down yel...

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured i...

A soldier is on patrol in Afghanistan...

He comes upon an Afghan farmer at his farm.

"How is everything here on your farm? Are you treating your animals well?"

"Yes," replies the Afghan, "very well."

"Great," says the soldier. He looks over and sees a cow in the barn.

"You mind if I ask the cow how you're trea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2...

What do farmers say when they want to party?

Hay, lettuce turnip the beets

What happened when the farmer fell asleep while driving?

He hit the hay

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