I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .

Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said:

“Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said:

“What was the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said:<...

I need to beat some eggs. Will need to borrow one of my wife's kitchen utensils (she hates that)

A whisk I'm willing to take

My dad said he'll kick me out for stealing from his kitchen

Well that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Police are asking for help in solving a recent string of burglaries. The perpetrator, apparently suffering from IBS, does #2 on the kitchen floor before escaping.

So far they have no firm leads.

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Man gets home from work and finds his wife crying in the kitchen.

‘What’s wrong , honey? ‘ he asks all worried.

‘ I went to the doctor today and as he examined me he said I had a beautiful pussy ‘ his wife sobbed.

The man got angry and jumped into the car and drive to the Doctors surgery, he rushed into the office and grabbing the Doctor by the throa...

My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it

What happened to the kitchen robber with a speech impediment

He took too mamy whisks

A woman walked into the kitchen

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked "How can you...

The place of my woman is in the kitchen…

Spooning me while I do the dishes

All this WFH time has led to a surprising discovery: I do my best work in the kitchen.

I'm counterproductive.

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A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?"

The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."
The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"
The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."

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I was in the kitchen banging pots and pans.

My mom walked in and said “When you came out as pansexual this isn’t what I thought you meant…”

A rodent just ran through my kitchen…

I got him with my Mickey Mouse club.

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

How are men like a linoleum kitchen floor? If you are able to lay them correctly the first time,

Then You Are Able To Walk All Over Them For The Next Twenty Five Years.

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

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An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

When you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything except your name

George is a house boy who drinks his boss' wine and then adds water for cover up.​ ​His boss became suspicious and decided to buy pasties ( A french wine that change colour if water added)​.

​As usual, George drank the pasties and topped it up with water. ​Unfortunately for him, the pasties c...

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him “Are you the friar?”

He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

What do you get when you drop a bomb in a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

Jeffery Dahmer is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:

"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "

"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm...

He looks at his wife and says "that's the pig I've been telling you about"


For the wife to respond "Deer, that's a duck."


The farmer cuts back "I was talking to the duck."

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

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Daughters vibrator.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with ...

A wife and a husband are sitting at the kitchen table

wife: if I died, would you remarry?

Husband: don't talk about that kind of thing!

the next day they are on their afternoon stroll and the wife asks the same question.

Husband: stop asking that!

That night, they are in bed, and she asks again.

husband: Fine! i suppo...

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A Four-year-old boy and his dad sit at the kitchen table.

It's Sunday morning and mom just made breakfast. On the table is french toast covered in butter and doused with their favorite maple syrup. There are four slices of bacon on each plate and an overwhelming amount of scrambled eggs. A tall glass of orange juice demands their attention. The boy and his...

Never trust people who renovate kitchens

they specialize in counterfeiting.

LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor of the kitchen, quietly slide it under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be.....water under the fridge

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the ther...

A woman was with her boyfriend in her bedroom when she heard her husband coming up the front door.

In a panic she told her boyfriend “Hurry, stand in the corner and do not move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” Her husband asked walking into the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “Our neighbour...

A father and his two sons were talking in the kitchen

The younger son turns this dad and asks. "Dad, whats a vajayjay."

"That's, just a another name for a woman's body part."

"Like their arms?"

"Yeah, like their arms."

When the young boy walks out of the room the older son looked at his dad and said " Dad thats too far, mom'...

Fraudster who installs kitchen worktops for a living is jailed.

Police say he was charged with counter fitting.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Why was the chef locked out of his kitchen?

Because he had gnocchi.

Last week, I discovered a colony of black ants in my kitchen.

They live in a crack in my kitchen wall.

This kitchen is in the apartment flat I'm renting by myself.

I've counted a total of seven ants crawling out of the crack, and there's presumably one queen inside too.

I know there's a queen because just yesterday, one male ant was gone, ...

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

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Two 5 yr old twin brothers are laying in bed one night discussing how to act more grownup around mom and dad.

Suddenly one of the brothers says, "why don't we curse like grownups"? The other brother says, "great idea, what should we say". "I'll curse like daddy and say Aw Hell". "Oooh, good one I'll say You bet your sweet ass like mom says". They decide to surprise their mom the next morning at breakfast an...

I got caught stealing kitchen utensils from my friend’s house.

I guess it was a whisk I was willing to take.

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

I was listening to my son do his math homework at the kitchen table

And then all of sudden he said 3+6 the son of a b !tch is 9, and then he said 2+5 the son of a b!tch is 7, so I said, what are you saying, son?! He said, but my teacher she showed us how to do Math and that's what she said...so just to make sure I was like, OK go on. He said 2+2 the son of a b!tch i...

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen and saw his mother making a cake

“I’ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you’re finished.” He said to his mother.

After about two hours, the cake had finally cooled off, and him mom brought a piece of cake to Johnny’s room. Upon seeing the piece of cake, the young boy exclai...

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3 guys died and went to heaven

As they were standing in front of the pearly Gates jesus appeared before them and explained, unfortunately we have been running at full capacity and at the moment we can only let in people in who died in an especially horrific way.

The first guy started to explain how he died. I left work ea...

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Wil...

I asked my friend with a lisp if he saddle stitches leather under his kitchen faucet.

He said “I sink sew”

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

3 housewifes got fed up of cooking

so the 3 wives ( a british , a french and a russian ) decided not to cook for 3 days

at the end of the three days, they met again

the british said " the first day I didn't see anything new, the second day he went to the kitchen and started cooking"

the french said " the first ...

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

An old man lay dying… (long)

He’d led a good life but now it was close to the end. He mentally replayed the years - all the good experiences and some of the hardships.

Suddenly he smelled a smell from his childhood. Yes! It was the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. What great memories he had of hid mother bak...

Love Story



An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his ...

My wife went to work and left her phone at home.

I found it on the kitchen table.

I tried to call and tell her, but she didn’t answer.

What’s worse is someone kept calling.

Wait ‘til I find out who Honey is.

While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.

Running in I found her dead on the floor.

In a panic, I had no idea what to do.Then I remembered.

McDonald's do an all-day breakfast.

Three old sisters...

Mary, Anna and Josephine, live in a house together.

One night Mary runs a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

Anna yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses....

I was in my kitchen

Drinking a beer, when suddenly it said "hey hiya, how's it going!" I was stunned. "Wow, you can talk?" I asked the beer.

"Sure!" It said, "All beers can talk."

"Oh really?" I asked. I picked up an empty bottle and said "Can you talk?"

"Mmrrphrrgaaaa!" Is all the empty bottle sai...

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A man says to his doctor "Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem"

The doctor says "Tell me about your sex life,"

The man says "Well, first thing in the morning, the wife and I have a quick 'morning glory'. Then I go to work and about eleven o'clock my secretary gives me a BJ at my desk. I nip home at lunchtime and do the wife over the kitchen table, then af...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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Two rocket scientists, Dave and Archie, are in the staff kitchen...

Dave is trying to get the toaster oven to work so he can toast their breakfast. Nothing seems to be working. He tried unplugging/replugging it. He tried cleaning it out.

After several minutes, a frustrated Archie finally speaks up.

"Figure it out, Dave!" he says. "It's not sex."

Went I got home yesterday I found my wife on the kitchen floor with her best girlfriend lying on top of her, both naked, with flat pasta and tomato sauce all over them.

"what is this?"I asked

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like a lez on ya!"

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

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The Motorcycle

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it ...

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A man went out in the kitchen after hot sex with a blond woman

He went for a cold glass of milk

When he was about to drink, he looked down on his burning hot dick after sex and instead put his dick into the glass with cold milk

Out from the bedroom came the blond woman and said:

“You can’t fool me. I knew it had to be refilled”

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

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One Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. NSFW

On a Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.

"I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says.

The mother is outraged at his crude language. She hits him and sends him upstairs. When...

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

...

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I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

There were screams coming from the bakery's kitchen

They were whipping the cream and they were beating the eggs!

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

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a man was in a party with his friend barney

he asked his friend: "how do you get women to like you so much?"

barney replied: "i have a trick, every time i meet them i squeeze them on the butt, it has some kind of pavlovian effect or something but it always works"

the man then went home, him and his wife haven't had sex for a cou...

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

Bought Some Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ' notice anything different about me'? Margaret looked him over. ...

What two things do you get when you throw a firecracker into a french kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart and debrie every where.

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

With the boredom of lock-down.

My Wife and I have pinned a map up in the kitchen.

We have one dart each, wherever the dart lands

on the map is our destination for our vacation next

year, turns out, we are going to behind the fridge..

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

A man was arrested for firing a gun into a kitchen.

First he took a potshot then he got a mugshot.

A pirate walks into the kitchen and announces:

A pirate walks into the kitchen and announces:

"Someone call fer me?"

I look down at my homework, and back up at the pirate and say, "uhhh, I was just trying to figure out how to do this problem, nothing a pirate could help with."

The pirate walks menacingly toward me, and I con...

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

Why does the queen have much more mobility than the king in chess?

Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.

Little Johnny was staying the vacation at grandpa's.

Little Johnny asked grandpa if he could get him something to drink? Grandpa went to the kitchen to get Johnny some lemonade.
Whe Grandpa got back from the kitchen little Johnny threw a bucket at grandpa's feet. Grandpa lost his temper and shouted "why the hell did you do that you little brat?!"...

My girlfriend said "Let's make love"

I said "What, here in the kitchen?"

She said "Yes, the clock's broken and I want to time three minutes for this egg".

A reporter driving past a farm…

Sees a pig with two wooden legs and thinks there has to be a story here. He drives up to the farm and starts asking the farmer why the pig has two wooden legs.

“ well,” replies the farmer “ I was working over in the back pastures and my wife was cooking in the kitchen when she had a heart att...

So me and the girlfriend are on the couch watching some TV...

I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen get a text, so I get up to look...

It came from the GF: *"Please bring some chips on your way back".*

Tom is lying on his deathbed while his wife is baking a cake in the kitchen

"Oh please Marie, can you give me a slice of that cake?"

"No," says his wife stern, "that's for after the funeral!"

What did Sean Connery say in a dirty kitchen?

Dishes, concerning.

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Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly

Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

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Husband and wife

Husband and wife sit together in the kitchen and have breakfast.
Out of the blue she hits him with rolling pin. After a few minutes conscious again he asks:

"What was that ? - Why did you hit me that hard ?"

She: "That was for 25 years of bad sex."

He continues eating his ...

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Peking duck

A man walks into a restaurant and orders Peking duck. He says, “I’m very particular so make sure it’s from Peking.”

About 20 minutes later the waiter returns and places a beautiful, succulent, roasted duck on his table. The man smiles, sticks his index finger in the air, twirls it around seve...

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

Tonight I am going to reveal my new kitchen appliance

It'll be a blender reveal party

Stupid but hope you like it sorry for bad grammar

A scottsman an Irishman and an Englishman are all on a plane the scotsman has a bomb an irishman has a knife and the Englishman has a brick the Irishman they all drop there things out of a window when the Irishman gets home he find his dad crying on the sofa in his living room he asks what's wrong h...

My brother just ran into the kitchen and stepped on all our Cheerios!

He’s a cereal killer

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Three guys are having a few beers and talking about how dumb their wives are.

Guy1: My wife is so dumb she wants to spend $15,000 to redo the kitchen and she can't even cook.

Guy 2: That's nothing. My wife wants me to buy her a new $50,000 car and she can't even drive yet.

Guy 3: My wife is dumber that both of them. She bought 3 boxes of condoms to take on a bus...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

I hate having to keep going to the kitchen to fill my glass of water.

Take a pitcher it will last longer

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A recent scam has popped up involving a prostitute, a bit of cocaine and a kitchen appliance

People have been falling for it, hooker, line and sink.

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I want to try translating a Polish joke and see if it works. A few friends are drinking vodka in the kitchen...

And there are disgusting flies all over the room. They can hardly sip their drinks without these wretched flies getting in their cups, or worse, their mouths.

One man tells his friends he has an idea to get the flies to stop bothering them, but they need to avert their eyes.

A few minu...

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

The captain of our cruise has a hobby of determining what kitchen utensils would make cute couples.

I'm just glad he's shipping the sink, and not the other way round.

A woman awakes in the middle of the night...



...to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
...

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

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I told my wife that having kids had made our love life a little bland. She laughed, grabbed a peach from the kitchen, seductively ate the flesh, and masturbated with the pit.

Mother fucking hard core.

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

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A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthu...

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

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"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?"

Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

A man came home from work one day.

His wife greeted him "Hello darling, how was your day?"
"No time for that," he replied. "Just get me a cup of tea before it starts!"

Confused, the wife hurried to make a cup of tea.
She gave him the cup. He stretched out on the sofa, and sipped the tea.

"What did you mean, 'befor...

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

There are 5 flies in a kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?

It's the one on the range.

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

Guy gets back from work...

He walks through the door, but his wife - who I think was blonde - doesn't come to see him or say hi. He looks through to the kitchen and sees her with her hands on her head, quietly cursing to herself, clearly frustrated by something.

He asks her, "hey honey, what's the problem?". She replie...

Ole was sick. . .

So Ole went to the doctor for an examination. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live".

Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the ...

One day a woman was lying on her couch watching TV when she heard her boyfriend in the kitchen

She assumed he was in there getting some ice cream and she called in there "Bring me some too!" A few minutes later, the boyfriend comes into the living room and hands her a bowl. She says "thanks" and takes a bite and immediately spits it out in disgust. "What is this? It's disgusting!" she exclaim...

My buddy finds me in the kitchen late at night.

I'm standing over the stove stirring a pot of boiling water. Steam is just going everywhere.

My buddy asks me: "What are you doing?"

I reply: "I'm making holy water."

My buddy stares at me and points at the pot. "How is that making holy water?"

"I'm boiling the hell out o...

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