I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job

Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

I was arrested for stealing kitchen utensils.

It was worth the whisk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the kitchen last night for some midnight cookies

As soon as I got downstairs I heard my mom and stepdad having loud sex.

I ran back upstairs and threw my headphones off to try and forget what I just heard.

The next day I confronted my stepdad and told him that he ruined my snack

He said "yeah well you ruined mine too!"

Why do dwarfs surf in the kitchen

Because there are microwaves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black boy walks into the kitchen...

...where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends...

TIL of a Legal Loophole Which Allows a Wife to Murder Her Husband With a Kitchen Utensil.

It's a flaw in the fatal ladle law.

A study claims the filthiest location in a typical home isn't the kitchen floor,

the bin,

or even the toilet seat.

It's actually the hard drive.

My wife caught me in the kitchen with a gun

"What are you doing waving a gun around?" she asked
"Hunting Decepticons - they can be hiding anywhere!" I replied.
She started laughing, I started laughing, and then the toaster laughed so I shot it.

My dad was in the kitchen chopping onions and I started to cry.

Onions was a good boy.

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

How do kitchen appliences say hello?

They give a micro-wave

A man who says a woman's place is only in the kitchen is completely wrong

How the hell is she supposed to clean the rest of the house then?

What is the most dangerous thing that can happen in the kitchen?

A counter-attack.

If you’re American in the kitchen and you’re American in the bedroom, what are you in the bathroom?

European.

Ma comes marching into the kitchen and hollers, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

P...

My wife does not believe me, but I swear I never see her trying to get my attention to help in the kitchen.

She microwaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few days after Christms, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her yoing son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "...

A kid walks into a kitchen...

... and ask: "mom, what's for breakfast?"

"Look, just because I sleep with your dad, it doesnt mean that you can call me "mom""

"Ok, so what am I supposed to call you then?"

"Just as usual, "Steven""

PS. Sorry for any grammar mistakes, english is not my native language

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded,

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

An old man and his wife were in the kitchen 1 day

The man was very hard of hearing and made breakfast for his wife. The woman enjoyed it very much and said “honey I’m so proud of you”
The man couldn’t hear so he responded “huh” the woman than said it a little bit louder, “Honey I said I am proud of you!” The man still couldn’t hear and said “huh...

Mother: "Why did I see coconut all over the kitchen?!"

Father: "Coco, come in here! Don't you have wifi in your bedroom?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Jimmy is playing with his trainset while his mom is in the kitchen.

The trains just chugging along and stops at the first station.
Little Jimmy says “Welcome to station one! Mothafuckas getting off, get off. Mothafuckas stayin on, stay on”
Jimmys mom hears from the kitchen, comes and yells at him, “JIMMY! If I hear you talk like that again you’ll go in timeou...

A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband

"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.

Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.

After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."

"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg...

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

My wife said she wanted new kitchen appliances or some new bath bombs for our anniversary.

I compromised and bought her a toaster.

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

Why do all of the men who prefer their wives making sandwiches in the kitchen work outside in the shed?

Because they’re all tools.

I relabeled all the spices in my mother's kitchen

She hasn't found out yet but the thyme is cumin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was preparing a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he suddenly burst into the kitchen. “Careful!” he said.

“Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh, my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once! “Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! Now! We need more butter! Oh, my gosh! They’re going to stick! “Slow things down a bit! Careful! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! “Right...

My girlfriend doesn’t know her way around the kitchen...

The other day she comes in the room and says “you’re looking a little sick. Is there anything I can get you?”

I said “yes, I’d love some ice water.”

She comes back 3 minutes later, and hands me an onion.

I asked “what the hell is this?”

She said “cut that up. It will make...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mom comes Into the kitchen and asks son what he wants for breakfast?

Son replies “I’ll have the fucking pancakes”

Mom is outraged! Calls down the boys father and tells him what their son just said!

They take him upstairs to his room and begin to yell at him and ground him from all the things he enjoys!

A few moments later mom walks down stairs an...

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself, I sneaked in and watched him making those stupid little peach shoes.

What kind of key do you use for a kitchen?

A Cookie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple comes home to find their kitchen completely bare.

All their fixtures and appliances are missing. Suddenly they hear a knock at the door.

They open the door to find their oven waiting on the porch. It begins to speak, "I have come to life and have cooked you both your favourite meals!"

They let their now-living oven back into the hous...

"You've got a kitchen counter at home, right?"

"Yes?"
"How many kitchens do you have?!"

Women belong in the kitchen...

...men belong in the kitchen, everyone belongs in the kitchen. The kitchen has food!

This snow is really bad here, it has been snowing since Friday, all my wife has done is stare through the kitchen window.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realized she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated and offensive.

The rest of the house needs cleaned too

My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles

He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" He responded. 

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in

“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his peni...

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband the...

My wife walks into the kitchen

Me: it sure is muggy outside

Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you

*Sips coffee out of bowl*

A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen

The contractor said to the man that he was nearly done.

The homeowner said "no way that you are - there is a giant hole in the granite countertop!"

Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in ...

My wife just stormed into the kitchen, furious at how cheap and a penny pincher I’ve become.

She’s in there now, tearing all the plates in half.

Did you hear about the French chef that blew up the kitchen?

They’re calling him Linoleum Blownapart

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

I had to throw away almost every strainer in my kitchen.

Colander: There can be only one.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is playing upstairs, he gets hungry so he goes to the kitchen and hears his parents arguing.

His dad calls his mom a bitch and his mom calls his dad a bastard. His dad storms out of the room so Johnny figures it's ok to go in, he decides to ask his mom about the new words he heard. His mom is taken aback, but she thinks quickly and tells him that a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlem...

Today I saw a letter in the kitchen from my girlfriend.

"Morning honey! I left your food on the stove. All you have to do is light the match, I started the gas when I left. Love you!"

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

I've always wanted to steal a huge kitchen utensil...

But I feel like I'd be taking a pretty big whisk.

I once stole a utensil from the kitchen where I worked..

I felt guilty but it was worth the whisk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind guy gets into the kitchen, ...

... randomly picks up a cheese grater, and yells:

"Who the fuck wrote this gibberish!?"

A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".

The son walks in and says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three pet stores before I found one that sold toucans."

My wife and I are debating whether or not to get marble countertops in our kitchen

I feel like we’ll just take them for granite

She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"  I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said.   “Can you look after my dog...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Grand Dad and a Kid are in the kitchen. The grand dad is smoking a cigar.

So the kid says hey grand pa can I have a puff of that cigar?

The grand dad says "Can your Dick touch your asshole ?" to which the kid replies "No it can't" so the grand dad says "you can't have a puff of the cigar" .The kid walks away angrily.

The next day the kid walks in on the gran...

I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware...

... it was a whisk I was willing to take.

I’m finally starting to overcome my ADHD. Today I went on a 10 minute run, and then I spent 5 minutes on cleaning the kitchen.

And then I spent 45 minutes typing out 2 sentences to post to Reddit for karma

An angry husband stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my...

Did you hear about the contractor who abused the offer for a free kitchen counter top?

He took it for granite.

I like stealing industrial size kitchen equipment.

I'm a big whisk-taker

A farmer walks into his kitchen with a duck under his arm

He looks at his wife and says, "This is the pig I've been sleeping with."

His wife says, "That's not a pig, you moron!"

The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."

I was just washing up in the kitchen with the back door open, when an owl suddenly flew in, dried all the pots, put them away and flew off.

it was a Teat Owl

Why don't chefs in Denmark play pranks in the kitchen?

Because no one thinks a Dane cook joke is funny.

A man driving a car crashed into a woman. Who's fault was it?

The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

I was talking with my dad this morning in the kitchen

Me: My car is still having trouble starting. It starts but it turns over a few times before actually starting. I'm gonna have to check it out

Dad: That's not good. It'd be great in an iPhone, but not in your car

Me: ?

Dad: Well everybody loves apple turnovers

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

My Husband is pretty good in the kitchen

But I get less of a backache in bed

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

What cleans the dishes, spends most of its life in the kitchen and occasionally takes a load from the husband...

A dishwasher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redditor is fitting his new kitchen and he stops for lunch.

His wife makes him a sandwich, and hands him some crisps and chocolate to eat, and a banana." he finishes his lunch and gets back to work.

A few hours later and he's finished. The wife walks in and checks out their new kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!" she shouts, as she opens the door, "What the ...

As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen

Onions was a good dog :(

A blonde mother is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in to the kitchen.

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you," and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!"

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid...

I always thought my kitchen was worth more, until I had my house appraised.

Moral of the story: Don't take your countertops for granite.

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this black kid was playing in the kitchen right..

He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him.

His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said.

His mom slapped him across the cheek. "I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you j...

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