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Kitchen Jokes

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .

Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.

Husband: honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

Wife: it's okay, dear. I'll be there with a broom.
Husband: it's not an emergency. You can come on foot.

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their50th wedding anniversary.”You know,” she said, “We were probably sitting in the kitchen across fromeach other 50 years ago.”

“Yeah,” he said, “But we were probably naked.”


"So let’s get naked now,” she suggested.So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.


“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “My nipples feel just as hot lookingat you today as they did 50 years ago.”
<...

She was standing in the kitchen preparing 2 soft boiled eggs for breakfast

wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the...

I was proven not guilty for allegedly stealing kitchen utensils, mostly colanders.

There were too many holes in the evidence

What do you call a grenade in a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

What did the kitchen knife say to the hand?

Can I get your digits?

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

My wife wants to replace our kitchen countertops with Quartzsite

I told her I was afraid the kids would take it for granite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

At my restaurant job, everyone who works in the kitchen is also a musician.

The dishwasher plays guitar OK, but the prep cook shreds on the mandoline.

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you've been around as long as me… you'll know that there are three types of sex… One – brand-new, kitchen-table sex; Two – bedroom sex;

then number three – hallway sex… when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'f**k you.’

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

A guy walks into his kitchen and sees his roommate writing on a piece of paper

Guy: what's up?

Roommate: Im legally changing my name to Dragon Ball Z.

Guy: wait, what, can you even do that?

Roommate: yea, it's a lot of paperwork tho.
This isn't even my final form.

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I bought my new bride some cookery books for her birthday to help her in the kitchen.

She bought me some sex education books on my birthday.

My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

What do you get when you hand a Frenchman a live grenade and then shove him into a kitchen?

Linoleum Blownaparte

I dropped an ice cube next to the freezer. It melted and got my sock wet the next time I went to the kitchen.

I was mad at first, but now it's mostly water under the fridge.

Me and my buddy Milton Spilk used to work in a kitchen, chopping up vegetables.

You have to be careful or you can cut yourself. Old Milt had an accident and got cut up pretty bad.

I felt bad about it, but eventually I decided...

Why cry over Milt Spilk?

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my 19 year old daughter killed a butterfly in the kitchen, so I said "No butter for you!"

Then she killed a cockroach and I said "nice try!"

My wife's gone and locked herself in the kitchen after an argument over how cheap and miserable I've become since we got married.

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

A father and son are sitting at the kitchen table together

Son: "Dad, I'm cold."

Dad:"Go stand in the corner. I hear it's ninety degrees."

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the...

A strange man in my kitchen at 2am:

"Hi, I'm Bernie the burglar."

"Right. I'm Colin the police."

I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils.

But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take

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A wife was preparing a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he suddenly burst into the kitchen. “Careful!” he said.

“Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh, my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once! “Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! Now! We need more butter! Oh, my gosh! They’re going to stick! “Slow things down a bit! Careful! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! “Right...

One day, I walked into my kitchen and saw Usain Bolt there, cooking away…

I asked him, “What Jamaican?”

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said:

“Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said:

“What was the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said:<...

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

Did any of you hear about what happened when the kitchen floor in Heaven got covered in crumbs?

Jesus swept.

A man walks into his kitchen and sees an Old Priest

The man greeted the priest and said "Good morning, Father. May I know what you are doing in my kitchen?"

The priest replied "Good morning, child. Forgive me for not asking first, but I need to use your stove in order to quickly make holy water for this morning's baptism."

Intrigued by ...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

An alien couple are shopping to renovate their kitchen.

At the store they look at three main combinations of cabinetry and tops. One blue, one red, and the other green.



The husband excuses himself to use the restroom, but doesn't return for a while.



His wife begins to worry and goes looking for him.



She fin...

My son was making dinner in the kitchen so I said to him, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there!"

"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end!"

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A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.

After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"

His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "Se...

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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.

But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.

I stay at a lot of different vacation rentals and never have a problem remembering where things are in their kitchens

It’s a mental dish order

Guy comes home from work, finds his blonde haired wife sitting at the kitchen table.

Shes looking at the table, and concentrating super hard. She is visibly frustrated.

Husband asks "What's wrong honey?"

She replies, "I've been working on this puzzle all day. Its supposed to be a tiger, I can't get any of these puzzle pieces to match."

Husband sighs, "Honey... P...

What do you call a group of kitchen workers?

Heard.

The police raided the kitchen of a restaurant where the chef was preparing Eggs Benedict

He was arrested for poaching.

The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me....

Very scary, when you are dicing with death.

What did Tina Turner use to paint her kitchen?

Second hand emulsion.

My wife asked me in the morning from the kitchen

"Do you feel a pain like a voodoo curse?"
No, I said.
After 5 minutes silence:
"What about now?"

Two dyslexics are in a kitchen

One says "can you smell gas?" the other replies "oh I don't know I can't even smell my own name"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Two flies are in the kitchen. Which one is the Cowboy?

The one on the range.

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A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?"

The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."
The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"
The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is furious I hired a hooker to help renovate our kitchen floor.

Apparently her definition of “floor stripper” is different than mine.

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Man walks in a kitchen bent over

Wife, shocked, asks him what is wrong with him. He explains that he was merely getting dressed when he felt stabbing pain in the back and now he can't straighten himself up. "You need to see a doctor" she suggest. "oh, I'm going there right away." In the afternoon wife comes home and husband is perf...

[warning dad joke warning]I visited a monastery and as I walked by the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him “are you the friar?”

He replied”no I’m the chip monk”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I walked into my kitchen in the middle of the night, I caught my pet hen masturbating in front of the open fridge.

I guess the chicken came before the eggs.

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