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Urine Jokes

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Q: why is semen white and urine yellow?

A: it's so you can tell if you're coming or going.

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

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A man has problems with urinating in one direction

This gentlemen was in a frightful state, bursting into the public lavatory sweating and groaning. Desperate to have a pee, he stands in the middle cubicle between two guys and let’s rip. The pee flies everywhere, up the walls, onto his shoes and all over the other guys who are disgusted and run out ...

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

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To whoever keeps stealing the urine samples...

Can you please stop taking the piss.

Urine

more like ur-out

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Man to wife: "What did she say?"

Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."

If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated.

But if it looks like bud light, you're good.

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Has heard about the new vehicle powered by urine?

Apparently you can't get it there, as only European models are available

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

I took a urine sample at the doctor's office today.

I think my kleptomania is getting out of hand.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

The Doctor and the Rich Man

An immigrant doctor decided to start his own clinic one day.
He put a sign in front of it that says if he can't cure your illness, he'll give you 100 dollars. If he can, you have to pay 20 dollars.
A young rich man passes by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good opportunity to earn 100 bu...

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

Another 90 year old man goes to the docs, the doctor says " I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample."

The old guy says, "Take my pants."

The WHO now says Covid-19 first spread through dog urine

It was a lab leak!

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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A guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says "I need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a semen sample."

The guy says, "Look doc, I'm kind of in a hurry. How about I just leave you my underwear?"

At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions.

I even got a pee HD.

An old lady had to do a urine test.

However, she wasn’t feeling like going to the lab to hand in the vial with the urine. So she asked her grandson if he could do it for her.
However, her grandson accidentally dropped the vial and spilled his grandmother’s pee all over the ground. Luckily, he was with a friend at the time, who advi...

In case you ever have a urine test.

The answer is urine comes from kidneys.

-Sir, you have a bladder infection.

-What’s that?

-Urine trouble, sir.

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Place urine sample here for diagnosis. [Long Joke]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a sore elbow. The receptionist tells him there is a one hour wait, so he sits down in the waiting area and starts looking around sheepishly and wondering whether his minor problem is worth such a wait for a diagnosis.

In the corner of the room he notic...

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Urine test for free

Go to a tree trunk and take a piss.

If it attracts a lot of ants you have high glucose.

If it dry too fast you have high sodium.

If it smells like meat, you have high cholesterol.

Forgot to open your pants to pee, Alzheimer’s.

Had trouble aiming at the tr...

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Really lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

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When I was ill, this woman kept me safe and provided me with a hot beverage made from a stallion's urine that she found in a narrow place.



Lady...if you're reading this,

thanks for the horse piss alley tea.

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RUSSIAN VODKA URINE

A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."

The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka."

When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinki...

If you like pee jokes, urine luck

Ha ha

So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it is B.P.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine...

Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came on just as I was filling the can

Smells like Urine

What is 40ft long and smells like urine?

A line dance at an old folks home.

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Mr. O'Malley comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he needs to supply a urine sample.

Mr. O'Malley is distraught because he has no idea what a urine sample is. Mr. O'Malley asks his wife to go nextdoor and ask their neighbor for help.

Mrs. O'Malley comes back, beaten, bruised, and bloodied.

"What the bloody hell happened to you, my love!?" exclaims Mr. O'Malley.
<...

I figured out why the term is "urinate"

it's because if you wait until it's a urine-ten, then urine trouble!

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If your urine is clear, you're hydrated. If it's yellow, you're dehydrated.

If it's white, you're shaking your dick too much.

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A man did a urine test

The test came back and the doctor said that he had diabetes. The man couldn't believe it and he gave another urine samples and redid the testing five times, but the result was still the same in everyone of them.
The man was so mad that he wanted to fuck with the doctor. He took a urine sample fr...

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Urine Trouble

Three old men are sitting on a park bench. One of them begins complaining to the others about his problems in the bathroom.

"I can't take it. Every morning, 8am I try and I try to take a piss but no matter how long I stand there at the toilet I can't squeeze a drop!"

The old man sittin...

Apparently, when you supply Human Resources with a urine sample...

... it has to be because they requested it

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Got pulled over for drink driving and had to give a urine sample.

But clever me drank it before it could be analysed.

Now I'm getting charged with taking the piss:

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