UPJOKE
urinationurinalysisbladderkidneyurethrawaterpiddleexcretionammoniaexcrementfecesurealiquidpeeweewee

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A guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says "I need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a semen sample."

The guy says, "Look doc, I'm kind of in a hurry. How about I just leave you my underwear?"

Has heard about the new vehicle powered by urine?

Apparently you can't get it there, as only European models are available

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

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Q: why is semen white and urine yellow?

A: it's so you can tell if you're coming or going.

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Man to wife: "What did she say?"

Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."

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New job wants a urine sample everyday

they’re taking the piss

Urine

more like ur-out

An old lady had to do a urine test.

However, she wasn’t feeling like going to the lab to hand in the vial with the urine. So she asked her grandson if he could do it for her.
However, her grandson accidentally dropped the vial and spilled his grandmother’s pee all over the ground. Luckily, he was with a friend at the time, who advi...

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it is B.P.

The WHO now says Covid-19 first spread through dog urine

It was a lab leak!

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

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Mr. O'Malley comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he needs to supply a urine sample.

Mr. O'Malley is distraught because he has no idea what a urine sample is. Mr. O'Malley asks his wife to go nextdoor and ask their neighbor for help.

Mrs. O'Malley comes back, beaten, bruised, and bloodied.

"What the bloody hell happened to you, my love!?" exclaims Mr. O'Malley.
<...

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Sherlock Holmes is searching for a criminal.

The criminal assaulted several people, then spent the night at a hotel. He and Watson spent several hours searching the room top and bottom for DNA evidence left behind by the staff. Then, Watson had an idea.
The idea was to look in the room’s sewage, for urine, waste, and dead skin cells. They a...

If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

I took a urine sample at the doctor's office today.

I think my kleptomania is getting out of hand.

What did the teacher say when the student peed his pants?

Urine trouble!

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

I emptied my lemonade bottle down the drain and filled it with my urine, in hopes of catching my roommate in the act.

I learned the following morning that I had the uncanny ability of sleep-drinking.

At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions.

I even got a pee HD.

In case you ever have a urine test.

The answer is urine comes from kidneys.

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

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With no sight of water in this vast desert we've been storing our urine in a bottle , but last night it was stolen...

Now that's just taking the piss.

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Two pieces of poop are having a heated argument. A cup of urine tries to calm them down. One of the poops says “Hey, screw off...

...this is a fecal matter!”

If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated.

But if it looks like bud light, you're good.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I took a urine test at the hospital today," he tells the bartender. "My kleptomania is really getting out of hand."

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Really lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

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Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

What do you call a sorcerer that deals only in urine magic?

A whizzard

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Urine test for free

Go to a tree trunk and take a piss.

If it attracts a lot of ants you have high glucose.

If it dry too fast you have high sodium.

If it smells like meat, you have high cholesterol.

Forgot to open your pants to pee, Alzheimer’s.

Had trouble aiming at the tr...

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

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My Dr wanted to run a series of tests and said he would need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I left him my underwear.

Patient to Doctor: Please help me! My pee is red!

Doctor: Urine danger!

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

A guy in a bar is complaining about pelvic pain and blood in his urine.

The bartender leans over and says “UTI?”

He responds: “No, I’m 2 Chainz.”

I figured out why the term is "urinate"

it's because if you wait until it's a urine-ten, then urine trouble!

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Got pulled over for drink driving and had to give a urine sample.

But clever me drank it before it could be analysed.

Now I'm getting charged with taking the piss:

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I got to the doctor for a physical and he tells me he needs a stool, urine, semen and blood sample

I tell him I'm in a rush doc can't I just leave you my underwear?

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Bubba's wife finally talked him in to going to the doctor, as he had not been feeling well. After the Doc examined him he sat both of them down and told them he would still need a stool sample, a specimen of urine, & and a semen sample.

Bubba looked at his wife and asked.."what does all that mean?".

She answered..."he needs a pair of your dirty underwear!'.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

Asparagus is an interesting meal, not only does it affect your diuretic system, it also helps with hunches and gut feelings.

When you eat asparagus, you can trust urine stinks.

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"

"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.

James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.

Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"

James wails, "...

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

The doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool.

The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".

If you like pee jokes, urine luck

Ha ha

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