A man walked into a hospital with 10 plastic horses in his stomach.

He started fidgeting, so the receptionist said: "hold your horses."

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?

Plastic Explosives

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts

Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”

His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?”

“Just rub toilet paper between them.”
Startled, the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”

“I don‘t know, but it...

What's black, made out of plastic and you should keep it away from children?

Michael Jackson

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where do plastic surgeons shop at before a boob job?

Breast Buy

Breaking news: Plastic knives to be redundant

They simply aren’t cutting it anymore

A man walks into a psychiatrist naked wrapped in plastic wrap

The psychiatrist says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

A man walked into an ER with four plastic horses shoved up his bum...

They described his condition as stable.

Why didn't the tailor make a tuxedo out of plastic?

It wasn't suit-able.

Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong?

I’m all ears.

Welcome to plastic surgery addiction group!

I see a lot of new faces around...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's sexual performance by 80%!

It burns tongue and fingers!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them...

I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald’s with a plastic knife.

I’m currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

Does only being able to recycle number 1 and 2 plastics upset anyone else?

I just moved to a new city and they don’t recycle anything above a 2. Is it like this in a lot of places? I hope I can find somewhere to drop off my other plastics.

I made my small plastic fan listen to metal music

It is now a big metal fan.

A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position

Because he heard they needed back end development.

I like my plastic containers like I like my jokes on this page

Recycled.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

What's the difference between a singer and a farm animal that wants plastic surgery?

One's Iggy Pop. The other's piggy op.

When I was younger I used to have these little plastic cut outs for drawing around.

I’d do them all the time, almost compulsively, but there would always be more. I’d spend hours and never run out. Then I realised, I’d never be done, I’d never accomplish anything because there would always be more and long after I stopped or died they’d be there.

Anyway that’s the story of m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him th...

Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject...

Nowadays if you talk about Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

A so-called friend of mine and I were having a heated discussion regarding what to do with all of the plastic waste we are generating. I decided we couldn’t be friends when he brought up straws.

I can’t be friends with someone who makes straw-ban arguments.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

I've heard all the environmental activists' arguments for banning plastic products...

and they're really just grasping at straws.

I like my women like I like my plastic bags

Degradable

A loving husband of many years turns to his wife and says: “I have to be honest with you. In truth you’re like a plastic bag to me”

“You take my breath away.”

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The amount of plastic on the beach is awful

I haven't seen a pair of real boobs all day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend recently told me that I am not perfect

And I said ,"Well I may not be perfect but atleast I am Bio-degradable, you plastic bitch"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

So this guy goes to a psychiatrist wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap

The guy says “what’s wrong with me, Doc?”

The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see your nuts.”

Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic

because baggers can't be choosers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Look at your drivers license.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Due to grocery stores switching from paper bags to plastic bags, a serious problem has arisen.

An unprecedented number of ugly girls have died of asphyxiation during sex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a plastic surgeon and a chicken farmer have in common?

They both give you big breasts.

The cashier asked me "paper or plastic?"...

I said, "either, I'm bi-sacktual."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two women are talking about plastic surgery

The first woman says "I'm thinking about getting my asshole bleached".


Her friend says "Funny, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic.

I told her: "just put the money in a fucking bag!"

Give a child a plastic toy and they'll play for a day.

Give a child a plastic bag and they'll play for the rest of their lives.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.

Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked th...

A man walks into a plastic surgeons office.

He asks the doctor "s-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long." The doctor replies, "Well how is that?" So the man says "w-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!" The doctor replies "Oh ok I see, so I can schedule...

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

I'd like to buy one of those plastic dividers from the supermarket checkout

But the checkout lady keeps putting it back!

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

I was a plastic surgeon for a short time.

My son's Action Man needed repairing.

What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and a school inspector?

A plastic surgeon tucks features...

At the grocery store today and when asked paper or plastic, I said “you make the call” the guy replied “no can do.”...

I asked “why not?” To which he replied
“Baggers can’t be choosers.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother of 8 decides to get plastic surgery...

On her vagina to restore the tightness of her youth. She shaves and cleans her nether region and goes in for surgery. When the procedure is finished, she wakes up to find three roses laying on her bed. Curious, she asks her nurse:

"Who are these roses from?"

The nurse responds:

...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...

And the other carries groceries.

What's worse than two babies in a plastic bag ?

A baby in two plastic bags.

I read a book about a man who had plastic surgery.

The preface was really good.

Why did Plastic Man get kicked out of Justice League?

He was accused of rubbery

One of the first things they want you to do before getting plastic surgery is....

Pick your nose.

What do you call a young plastic covered sheep?

Laminated

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A plastic surgeon invented a new experimental facelift technique called The Dial.

It consisted of installing a dial on the top of the patients head that could be rotated to tighten the skin. A woman signs up for the procedure and every goes well until she returns to him a couple weeks later.

"Doctor, everything was going fine, but a few days ago I noticed that I was develo...

"paper or plastic?"

because baggers can't be choosers

An old lady in London...(a true story)

Around a week ago I was waiting in queue behind an old lady at KFC. She placed her order, paid in cash, and all was well until she received one of those new plastic £5 notes as change from the cashier.

She vocally expressed her dislike about the presence of animal products in the new £5 bills...

What do you call a group of people in line for a plastic doll?

A barbie-queue!

How do you drop a small plastic building block?

Lego

I bought my toddler a plastic "Iron Throne".

I paid the Fisher-Price.

Hey, did you hear about the blonde girl who choked on a piece of plastic?

She said that mannequin was one smooth talker.

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

I loaned my friend $15K for plastic surgery...

And now I don't know what he looks like.

No plastic surgeon will help me!

I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.

I feel like a plastic bottle in a Pepsi factory

I'm soda pressed.

Today I overheard a duck arguing with a plastic surgeon about money

Apparently he was trying to get his bill reduced.

What brand of plastic wrap do they use in North Africa?

Saharan Wrap