What do you call plastic that’s wrapped in fabric?

Kim Kardashian

I was buying fish the other day and asked the cashier for a plastic bag...

He said it was already inside

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

I remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject..

..but nowadays when you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."

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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

The lastest celebrity to ditch plastic is....

Kanye West

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see some new faces today and I must say I'm pretty disappointed.

There were three plastic surgeons

And a wooden one

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BREAKING NEWS: A man was presented into the ER after shoving 6 plastic horses up his ass...

Doctors say that his condition is stable.

CASHIER: Paper or plastic?

CUSTOMER: You choose.
CASHIER: Sorry baggers can’t be choosers.

Marriage is a lot like PLASTIC BAGS…

They help hold a lot of trash together.

Source: my brother during a round of joke boat on jackbox party pack 6

A man takes his wife to the plastic surgeon to get some work done on her lips and eyes...

It's supposed to be a fairly simple procedure, in and out in about an hour. An hour goes by, and the wife hasn't come out. Another hour passes, nothing. After three hours the surgeon finally came out.with a funny look on his face


"So how is she, Doc?" the man asks. "More work than you e...

When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge...

the look on my face was priceless.

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

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A woman in late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob’ where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift. It goes without saying that the woman wanted ‘The Knob’.

Over the years, the woman ...

What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do?

Alter boys

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about m...

What did my plastic Thanos figure say to me?

I am... Inedible

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's bad for the environment.

Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

My mom told me the plastic waste was full

I didn't know she watches Keeping up with The Kardshians

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

Why is there plastic on cucumbers?

So you can eat them after use

[NSFW] A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.

She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front o...

I asked an Italian plastic surgeon what he uses for breast implants

He just replied "Si"

What’s the difference between a plastic bag and a blue haired girl

It takes a plastic bag thousands of years to break down but blue haired girls can have a breakdown in a second

A woman just came home after a plastic surgery

She went straight to her husband, and handed him a heavy bill. He took a long look at his wife before looking back down at the bill, “When did they start taking payment in advance?”

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A whale goes to a plastic surgeon

He gets a blowjob

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place?

They always bring up the rear.

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My plastic surgeon thinks his new girlfriend's pussy is too tight.

But he really likes her so he's going to cut her some slack.

I've met my plastic surgeon brother in law FOUR times!

And every time he forgets my name! He's so bad with faces!

[NSFW] Why does Dr pepper come in plastic bottles?

His wife is dead

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The Older Woman Speeding

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't ...

Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel.

Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.

Two policemen are walking through a park and see how a young man is putting an apple core in a plastic bag.

Then he takes another apple, eats it and puts the core in the bag again.

So they approach him: "Excuse me, why do you return the apple cores back in the plastic bag when there's a garbage bin next to you?"

He says: "When I get home, I'll take the apple seeds out of them and eat them. I...

Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season?

It's a great time to make some mammories

Her: You really shouldn't be using a plastic bag..

Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment.

Her: It's just a weird replacement for a Condom..

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?

Because baggers can’t be choosers.

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Two guys working at a sawmill....

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incred...

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A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

Just been admitted to hospital after accidentally sitting on 2 of my son's plastic toy horses.

Doctors say I'm stable.

What's the difference between a plastic bag and Micheal Jackson?

One is made of plastic and a danger to children, the other holds your groceries.

The Catholic Church banned plastic bags from its premises.

They consider them to be sac-religious.

How do you wrap plastic around a baby sheep?

Lambinate

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish...

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final at...

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My best friend was hospitalized today after shoving 12 small plastic horses in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

Joke

I lent my friend $5000 for plastic surgery
Now I don’t know what she looks like

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Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

I heard China recently banned plastic waste

They better not let Kim Kardashian in this week.

Plastic straws.

They suck.

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OC: By a hobo, to a hobo, about a hobo (a Melvin tale)

(This story was told to me by my friend Mondo, about our mutual friend Melvin. We're all hobos here, living on the streets in the affluent community of Roseville, California. If you're ever in the area and you see a frail old man carrying a massive green rucksack, give ol' Melvin a beer for me. He w...

Woman asks her husband, “What are you trying to do thrusting yourself into that little plastic bear?”

Man replies “Nuttin’ Honey”

Came up with this just now...

What do you call two people who have had a lot of plastic surgery, making out?

Lip-py-suction

I'm sorry I'll go.

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A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

Every time the kardashians go to the beach

The amount of plastic in the ocean doubles

What do you call a plastic artist?

Vincent Van Legoh

Yesterday i ate my first apple

Would not recommend, it tastes like metal and plastic

I had a brilliant plan to cover my neighbor's farm in plastic to destroy his business, but when I returned from the store with the cellophane, he had already enveloped my farm entirely with Reynolds wrap.

It seems my plot was foiled.

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Plastic surgery

Woman: *comes out from the hospital after plastic surgery looking young*
*later enters the store*
Woman: Hello, quick question.
Cashier: Ok.
Woman: Can you guess how many years I have?
Cashier: uhhh... 29?
Woman: No, I'm 50. See how beautiful I am.
Cashier: Wow!
*later enters...

Karen: Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

Tucker: You don’t need make-up, Karen.

Karen: Oh, Tucker…. really? That is so sweet of you!

Tucker: You need plastic surgery.

One time I set fire to the Kardashians.....

The blue flame and the smell of plastic was interesting

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible,

That will be the last straw

Whats the similarity between Credit Cards and Kim Kardashian?

Plastic

What did the plastic surgeon say to the patient?

Happy new ear.

A man ran to the doctor’s wearing transparent plastic.

“Doctor, I think I’m going insane!”

“Well, I can clearly see your nuts”

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

What do you call a plastic bag moving in the wind?

An American tumbleweed.

Plastics

I recently gave up plastic straws and plastics in general. Now I just book a vacation in the Galapagos once a year, and crush those turtles to death myself.

The pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida.....

are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?

GROCERY STORE CHECKER: "Paper or plastic?"

DAD: "Either, I’m bisacktual.”

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

An intern proudly greets his boss as she walks in the office...

"I took the pleasure of getting here early and doing a few tasks to help your day go smoother. I even pruned the ivy hanging on your wall."
She glared at him and stormed into her office and sure enough, almost half of the plant's leaves were in the garbage leaving the poor ivy looking pathetic. "...

Kylie Jenner tries to go into the ocean for a swim but gets stopped by the life guard

The life guard says “U can’t go in there,
There’s already enough plastic in the sea”

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

Why can't Plastic Man lead an orchestra?

Because he's a poor conductor

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

A supposed friend of mine and I were having a heated discussion about all this plastic waste we’re generating. I decided we couldn’t be friends anymore after he brought up straws.

I can’t be friends with someone who makes straw-ban arguments.

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Researchers have found that human sexuality has drastically changed in the last 50 years alone. (NSFW)

If your grandparents covered their furniture in plastic, it was because your grandmother was a squirter.

Plastic surgery

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.

That should raise a few eyebrows.

LPT for people like me who couldn't breath with a face mask on

..
..
Take it out of the plastic bag first. I haven't felt like I was suffocating since I learned this.

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It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

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