I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

What's black, made out of plastic and you should keep it away from children?

Michael Jackson

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt.........

The doctors described his condition as stable.

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

What do you call plastic that’s wrapped in fabric?

Kim Kardashian

Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts meating

I see a lot of new faces today

What’s made of plastic and dangerous for kids?

Michael Jackson.

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

A guy walks into a therapist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap.

The therapist says "well I can clearly see you're nuts".

PETA, in an attempt to improve its terrible public image, is launching a new, green plastic product line.

Everything is made from 100% recycled pet.

Her: You really shouldn't be using a plastic bag..

Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment.

Her: It's just a weird replacement for a Condom..

Which Mexican got plastic surgery on its toe?

Ruberto

A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor "S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."

The doctor replies, "Well how is that?"

So the man says, "W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"

The doctor replies, "Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part righ...

I like my women like I like my plastic bags....

Degradable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old woman was walking with two big plastic bags. One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman : Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills.
Old lady : Oh thank you so much sir.
Policeman : By the way, where did you get all of this money ? Did you steal?
Old lady : Oh no! Well it's a long story.
my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming an...

Remember when plastic surgery was taboo? Now you mention Botox,

No one even raises their eyebrow.

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts

Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”

His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?”

“Just rub toilet paper between them.”
Startled, the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”

“I don‘t know, but it...

Why didn't the tailor make a tuxedo out of plastic?

It wasn't suit-able.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong?

I’m all ears.

Breaking news: Plastic knives to be redundant

They simply aren’t cutting it anymore

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them...

I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald’s with a plastic knife.

I’m currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

Does only being able to recycle number 1 and 2 plastics upset anyone else?

I just moved to a new city and they don’t recycle anything above a 2. Is it like this in a lot of places? I hope I can find somewhere to drop off my other plastics.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him th...

I like my plastic containers like I like my jokes on this page

Recycled.

A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position

Because he heard they needed back end development.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's sexual performance by 80%!

It burns tongue and fingers!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

What's the difference between a singer and a farm animal that wants plastic surgery?

One's Iggy Pop. The other's piggy op.

When I was younger I used to have these little plastic cut outs for drawing around.

I’d do them all the time, almost compulsively, but there would always be more. I’d spend hours and never run out. Then I realised, I’d never be done, I’d never accomplish anything because there would always be more and long after I stopped or died they’d be there.

Anyway that’s the story of m...

Good afternoon everyone, and thank you for attending the plastic surgery addicts support group

I see many new faces here today.

Which is disappointing.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance.

Fake.

Credit - Daniel Tosh

A so-called friend of mine and I were having a heated discussion regarding what to do with all of the plastic waste we are generating. I decided we couldn’t be friends when he brought up straws.

I can’t be friends with someone who makes straw-ban arguments.

I've heard all the environmental activists' arguments for banning plastic products...

and they're really just grasping at straws.

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

A loving husband of many years turns to his wife and says: “I have to be honest with you. In truth you’re like a plastic bag to me”

“You take my breath away.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Look at your drivers license.

Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!

Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic

because baggers can't be choosers.

The cashier asked me "paper or plastic?"...

I said, "either, I'm bi-sacktual."

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a plastic surgeon and a chicken farmer have in common?

They both give you big breasts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Due to grocery stores switching from paper bags to plastic bags, a serious problem has arisen.

An unprecedented number of ugly girls have died of asphyxiation during sex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend recently told me that I am not perfect

And I said ,"Well I may not be perfect but atleast I am Bio-degradable, you plastic bitch"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic.

I told her: "just put the money in a fucking bag!"

Give a child a plastic toy and they'll play for a day.

Give a child a plastic bag and they'll play for the rest of their lives.

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.

​

He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Plastic surgery . . .

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years, they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.

Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked th...

I have a plastic surgery voucher I no longer want

Will sell for face value.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...

And the other carries groceries.

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

What do you call a young plastic covered sheep?

Laminated

I'd like to buy one of those plastic dividers from the supermarket checkout

But the checkout lady keeps putting it back!

What's worse than two babies in a plastic bag ?

A baby in two plastic bags.

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

I was a plastic surgeon for a short time.

My son's Action Man needed repairing.

What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and a school inspector?

A plastic surgeon tucks features...

At the grocery store today and when asked paper or plastic, I said “you make the call” the guy replied “no can do.”...

I asked “why not?” To which he replied
“Baggers can’t be choosers.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A plastic surgeon invented a new experimental facelift technique called The Dial.

It consisted of installing a dial on the top of the patients head that could be rotated to tighten the skin. A woman signs up for the procedure and every goes well until she returns to him a couple weeks later.

"Doctor, everything was going fine, but a few days ago I noticed that I was develo...

Why did Plastic Man get kicked out of Justice League?

He was accused of rubbery

My girlfriend asked if she could get plastic surgery on her face.

I told her "Honey, why would you ever feel the need to get plastic surgery?

Paper bags are much cheaper."

One of the first things they want you to do before getting plastic surgery is....

Pick your nose.