UPJOKE
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What do you call plastic that’s wrapped in fabric?

Kim Kardashian

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

Bag Boy: Paper or plastic, sir?

Customer: Whatever, you pick.

Bag Boy: Sorry, baggers can’t be choosers.

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A woman was obsessed with plastic surgery...

Her doc told her a new procedure had been developed- they put a knob on the back of your neck and every time you see a wrinkle, turn it one click to the right and the wrinkle will disappear. She came in right away and had the procedure done.

A few weeks later, she was having some issues and v...

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts.

The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

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BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon....

that she wanted her labia reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
...

What do toddlers and plastic surgeons have in common?

They're both nose pickers.

We wouldn't have to ban plastic straws if only...

... those turtles would lay off the coke!

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We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

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A plastic surgeon was offering discounts on breast implants.

The sign read:

A sale of two titties

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A baby is born without an eyelid and referred to a Plastic surgeon

Plastic surgeon : You’re lucky it’s a boy. We will perform a circumcision and reconstruct the eyelid with the foreskin.
Mom (not entirely reassured): Will he be ok ? Will he be cockeyed?

Plastic surgeon : Oh no Ma’am, in fact he will have foresight.

I went to the store to purchase some bread and the grocery store clerk asked me if I wanted paper or plastic?

I said, "I don't care, just baguette."

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

I gave my wife ten thousand dollars to have plastic surgery;

now I can’t get the money back and I don’t know who to look for.

My wife has clamored for months for plastic surgery so she could have a smoking hot body….

After seeing the doctor’s estimate, I told her cremation seemed more cost-effective.

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Plastic Surgeon Dad, Operates On His Own Daughter....

There was a plastic/cosmetic surgeon,
who did some procedures on his own daughter,

He did her Nose, Boobs, and a few other things....

When people said she was pretty,
He then would jokingly say to them:

"she got her good looks from me!"

Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

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How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

The lastest celebrity to ditch plastic is....

Kanye West

Her: You really shouldn't be using a plastic bag..

Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment.

Her: It's just a weird replacement for a Condom..

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

I lent my friend $15,000 for plastic surgery...

Now I don't know what he looks like.

Never trust a plastic surgeon

that doesn't have skin in the game.

If Mr. Miyagi was a plastic surgeon, what would his slogan be?

Racks on, racks off.

What is a plastic surgeon's favorite activity at summer camp?

arts and grafts.

"On this, the 10 anniversary of our time together during breast enlargement surgery, I send this note of remembrance and gratitude to you, my beloved plastic surgeon..."

"Thanks for the ***mammaries*** !"

Ba dum *TSS*!

Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually . . .

encourage you to pick your nose.

It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.

"Trick or treat!"

"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"

"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"

Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?

Because baggers can’t be choosers.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

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Never get into an argument with a plastic surgeon.

I've just had my arse handed to me.

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A woman went to her plastic surgeon wanting a face lift....

The doctor showed her how she would look and explained it would be ten thousand dollars.

" Oh, I don't think I can afford that much"

The doctor said there is a less expensive option.
" We install a handle you twist on the top of your head. As you see a wrinkle, you just twist and...

What do you call a young plastic covered sheep?

Laminated

Paper or plastic

The cashier said, "Strip down facing me". By the time I found out that she meant my card, it was too late.

What did Donald Trump say when he saw a herd of plastic antelope?

FAKE GNU'S!

Why do cucumbers have a plastic wrapper around them?

So you can still eat them after usage

Which member of the Kardashian family has had the least plastic surgery?

Caitlyn Jenner

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The plastic surgeon

A plastic surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been wondering... Can you successfully transfer a skin graft off one person's butt to another person who isn't related to the donor?" the bartender asks. "Ass skin for a friend."

What’s the difference between a plastic bag and a blue haired girl

It takes a plastic bag thousands of years to break down but blue haired girls can have a breakdown in a second

My wife finally had enough of my "childish" hobbies and made me choose between my collection of plastic blocks and my fantasy costumes.

After making a hard decision, I'm now a legoless Legolas.

[NSFW] Why does Dr pepper come in plastic bottles?

His wife is dead

[NSFW] A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.

She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front o...

A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."

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Ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Look at your drivers license.

When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge...

the look on my face was priceless.

A man takes his wife to the plastic surgeon to get some work done on her lips and eyes...

It's supposed to be a fairly simple procedure, in and out in about an hour. An hour goes by, and the wife hasn't come out. Another hour passes, nothing. After three hours the surgeon finally came out.with a funny look on his face


"So how is she, Doc?" the man asks. "More work than you e...

I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands.

It was a look of otter disdain.

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...

And the other carries groceries.

What do you call a Karen that works as a Plastic Surgeon?

A Botch

Two policemen are walking through a park and see how a young man is putting an apple core in a plastic bag.

Then he takes another apple, eats it and puts the core in the bag again.

So they approach him: "Excuse me, why do you return the apple cores back in the plastic bag when there's a garbage bin next to you?"

He says: "When I get home, I'll take the apple seeds out of them and eat them. I...

There were three plastic surgeons

And a wooden one

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After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

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If Democrats hoard their gas in biodegradable containers, and Republicans hoard their gas in non-biodegradable containers, then who did the people who hoard their gas in plastic bags vote for?

The Greene Party.

My friend Is a plastic surgeon

He specializes In hand jobs

We've heard about the plastic eating bacteria:

Now it's time for the kardashians to hide.

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

Marriage is a lot like PLASTIC BAGS…

They help hold a lot of trash together.

Source: my brother during a round of joke boat on jackbox party pack 6

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

I heard China recently banned plastic waste

They better not let Kim Kardashian in this week.

A woman just came home after a plastic surgery

She went straight to her husband, and handed him a heavy bill. He took a long look at his wife before looking back down at the bill, “When did they start taking payment in advance?”

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do?

Alter boys

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween.

It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

A woman consulted a plastic surgeon...

...and asked for a breast enlargement. After the doctor explained the procedure and the costs she stated that she couldn’t afford that much. The doctor replies that he recently heard of a new method: „Just take some toilet paper and rub it up and down your chest once or twice a day.“ Surprised the w...

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

Breaking news: Plastic knives to be redundant

They simply aren’t cutting it anymore

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

I've met my plastic surgeon brother in law FOUR times!

And every time he forgets my name! He's so bad with faces!

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

Why US politicians are banned from plastic surgeries?

Can’t find any tools to cut open their skins

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My plastic surgeon thinks his new girlfriend's pussy is too tight.

But he really likes her so he's going to cut her some slack.

My mom told me the plastic waste was full

I didn't know she watches Keeping up with The Kardshians

Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season?

It's a great time to make some mammories

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A whale goes to a plastic surgeon

He gets a blowjob

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

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A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel.

Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.

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A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic.

I told her: "just put the money in a fucking bag!"

Woman asks her husband, “What are you trying to do thrusting yourself into that little plastic bear?”

Man replies “Nuttin’ Honey”

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Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

Finals in college are a lot like plastic surgery

walk in with A's and leave with D's.

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