I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.

One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag.

A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills

Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills )

Policeman: Btw, where did you get all o...

I wrote a book about Nemo and his rage towards plastic. In the end he dies

The books called Nemo 3: The last straw

What do you call plastic that’s wrapped in fabric?

Kim Kardashian

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

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What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

Why does the cashier at the grocery store always ask if you want paper or plastic?

...because baggers can't be choosers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

I heard China recently banned plastic waste

They better not let Kim Kardashian in this week.

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous,

I’m seeing a lot of new faces here today, and I have to say, I’m very disappointed in all of you

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

Plastics

I recently gave up plastic straws and plastics in general. Now I just book a vacation in the Galapagos once a year, and crush those turtles to death myself.

What do you call a plastic bag moving in the wind?

An American tumbleweed.

Which Mexican got plastic surgery on its toe?

Ruberto

Plastic surgery

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.

That should raise a few eyebrows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

I was buying fish the other day and asked the cashier for a plastic bag...

He said it was already inside

Her: You really shouldn't be using a plastic bag..

Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment.

Her: It's just a weird replacement for a Condom..

Being a plastic surgeon must be hard...

Not even a familiar face to keep you company

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

Remember when plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject?

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.


<sorry if it's a repost>.

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

Why were the Kardashians banned from the beach?

Because there is already too much plastic in the ocean

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

A supposed friend of mine and I were having a heated discussion about all this plastic waste we’re generating. I decided we couldn’t be friends anymore after he brought up straws.

I can’t be friends with someone who makes straw-ban arguments.

Trudeau just banned single use plastics

That's the last straw

What's black, made out of plastic and you should keep it away from children?

Michael Jackson

What’s made of plastic and dangerous for kids?

Michael Jackson.

A man walked into a hospital with 10 plastic horses in his stomach.

He started fidgeting, so the receptionist said: "hold your horses."

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

I just had a cheap plastic surgery and I'm not happy with it.

Next time I'll pay for real metal scalpels.

I like my plastic containers like I like my jokes on this page

Recycled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

Why didn't the tailor make a tuxedo out of plastic?

It wasn't suit-able.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Look at your drivers license.

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long) Plastic surgery frequent flyer

A plastic surgery frequent flyer goes in for a face lift. Her doctor tells her of a new procedure, a knob, that can be discreetly installed on the back of her head and anytime she feels her skin needs tightening, she can just give it a twist and it will pull everything tight. She agrees and after su...

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's sexual performance by 80%!

It burns tongue and fingers!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them...

A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor "S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."

The doctor replies, "Well how is that?"

So the man says, "W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"

The doctor replies, "Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part righ...

When I was younger I used to have these little plastic cut outs for drawing around.

I’d do them all the time, almost compulsively, but there would always be more. I’d spend hours and never run out. Then I realised, I’d never be done, I’d never accomplish anything because there would always be more and long after I stopped or died they’d be there.

Anyway that’s the story of m...

I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald’s with a plastic knife.

I’m currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

Breaking news: Plastic knives to be redundant

They simply aren’t cutting it anymore

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

I've heard all the environmental activists' arguments for banning plastic products...

and they're really just grasping at straws.

A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position

Because he heard they needed back end development.

Does only being able to recycle number 1 and 2 plastics upset anyone else?

I just moved to a new city and they don’t recycle anything above a 2. Is it like this in a lot of places? I hope I can find somewhere to drop off my other plastics.

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance.

Fake.

Credit - Daniel Tosh

A loving husband of many years turns to his wife and says: “I have to be honest with you. In truth you’re like a plastic bag to me”

“You take my breath away.”

Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend recently told me that I am not perfect

And I said ,"Well I may not be perfect but atleast I am Bio-degradable, you plastic bitch"

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.

Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a plastic surgeon and a chicken farmer have in common?

They both give you big breasts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to grocery stores switching from paper bags to plastic bags, a serious problem has arisen.

An unprecedented number of ugly girls have died of asphyxiation during sex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic.

I told her: "just put the money in a fucking bag!"

Give a child a plastic toy and they'll play for a day.

Give a child a plastic bag and they'll play for the rest of their lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The amount of plastic on the beach is awful

I haven't seen a pair of real boobs all day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Plastic surgery . . .

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years, they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...

And the other carries groceries.

I have a plastic surgery voucher I no longer want

Will sell for face value.

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

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