I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.

One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag.

A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills

Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills )

Policeman: Btw, where did you get all o...

What do you call plastic that’s wrapped in fabric?

Kim Kardashian

I was buying fish the other day and asked the cashier for a plastic bag...

He said it was already inside

Why aren’t Barbie dolls made of plastic anymore

Because the Kardashian’s took it all

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous,

I’m seeing a lot of new faces here today, and I have to say, I’m very disappointed in all of you

Remember when plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject?

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.


<sorry if it's a repost>.

Which Mexican got plastic surgery on its toe?

Ruberto

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

Her: You really shouldn't be using a plastic bag..

Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment.

Her: It's just a weird replacement for a Condom..

I heard China recently banned plastic waste

They better not let Kim Kardashian in this week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

Why can't Plastic Man lead an orchestra?

Because he's a poor conductor

Plastic straws.

They suck.

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

Why do they ask "paper or plastic" at the grocery?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

A supposed friend of mine and I were having a heated discussion about all this plastic waste we’re generating. I decided we couldn’t be friends anymore after he brought up straws.

I can’t be friends with someone who makes straw-ban arguments.

Plastics

I recently gave up plastic straws and plastics in general. Now I just book a vacation in the Galapagos once a year, and crush those turtles to death myself.

Plastic surgery

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.

That should raise a few eyebrows.

Being a plastic surgeon must be hard...

Not even a familiar face to keep you company

Why didn't the tailor make a tuxedo out of plastic?

It wasn't suit-able.

What’s made of plastic and dangerous for kids?

Michael Jackson.

Trudeau just banned single use plastics

That's the last straw

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

A man walked into a hospital with 10 plastic horses in his stomach.

He started fidgeting, so the receptionist said: "hold your horses."

I just had a cheap plastic surgery and I'm not happy with it.

Next time I'll pay for real metal scalpels.

I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald’s with a plastic knife.

I’m currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

I like my plastic containers like I like my jokes on this page

Recycled.

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Unfortunately he was born without eyelids.

The doctor called a plastic surgeon who was able to take the boys foreskin and make them into eyelids. Baby is going to be fine just going to be a little cockeyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub

He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying.

The bartender asks "What's that?"

The guy answers "6 pounds of explosives"

"Thank Christ for that" says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

If everything like planes and ships go missing in the Bermuda triangle

We should throw all our trash and plastic in there to save the planet.

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

A 4.0 Student

Was taking an ornithology course in college. The course was known for being very rigorous and challenging, but the student was confident in his abilities. Just before the final exam, the professor assigned a hefty amount of homework, due before the day of the exam. The student was able to finish the...

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor "S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."

The doctor replies, "Well how is that?"

So the man says, "W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"

The doctor replies, "Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part righ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do plastic surgeons shop at before a boob job?

Breast Buy

Breaking news: Plastic knives to be redundant

They simply aren’t cutting it anymore

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Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's sexual performance by 80%!

It burns tongue and fingers!

What's black, made out of plastic and you should keep it away from children?

Michael Jackson

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them...

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

Greek Philosopher Gets A Suit

A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him.


The tailor offers some proposals: "I can send those in plastic bags, or I could even send those in parcels."


The Greek philosopher replies : "no, no, no I would like them to be deliv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

Why were the Kardashians banned from the beach?

Because there is already too much plastic in the ocean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Look at your drivers license.

A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position

Because he heard they needed back end development.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four football hooligans are stranded on a deserted island

After several weeks of surviving on nothing but river water and berries, they decide that one of them must be sacrificed to feed the other three.

“Let’s decide based on the team we support - and *I* support Chelsea” the Chelsea fan proclaims proudly.

The other three look at each other,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is diagnosed with testicular cancer

After a routine check-up, Mike was discovered to have a massive tumour in his ballsack and his life was turned upside down. His girlfriend broke up with him when she heard and he lost his job as a pornstar, when his empolyer heard about his cancer. After a few months of chemo, and no improvements to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.

To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”

And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
...

When I was younger I used to have these little plastic cut outs for drawing around.

I’d do them all the time, almost compulsively, but there would always be more. I’d spend hours and never run out. Then I realised, I’d never be done, I’d never accomplish anything because there would always be more and long after I stopped or died they’d be there.

Anyway that’s the story of m...

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Rough life

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are in a heated debate over who's life is more difficult.

The cucumber says "man, I've got it rough...when I get big, fat and juicy, they rip me off the vine, slice me up, put me in a salad and eat me!"

The pickle laughs and says "that's nothing. When I...

Does only being able to recycle number 1 and 2 plastics upset anyone else?

I just moved to a new city and they don’t recycle anything above a 2. Is it like this in a lot of places? I hope I can find somewhere to drop off my other plastics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

If you put your ear up to a plastic bottle

You can hear what ocean it will end up in

A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!

He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him th...

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

I asked my doctor how their day at the hospital was going

He said “well this morning a man came in with agonising pain in his stomach and we did a scan which revealed he had 12 plastic toy horses stuck in his stomach, he was in a critical condition when he first came in, but he’s in a stable condition now.”

What do Kardashians and trash cans have in common?

They both contain a lot of plastic.

A loving husband of many years turns to his wife and says: “I have to be honest with you. In truth you’re like a plastic bag to me”

“You take my breath away.”

I've heard all the environmental activists' arguments for banning plastic products...

and they're really just grasping at straws.

Got talking to a girl online then when we met in person she was a 65 year old guy.

She wasn't lying when she said her ex was a plastic surgeon.

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I'm dyslexic, and I just watched The Hobbit.

I loved the movie so much, I decided to start collecting plastic figurines of all the characters, after many months, I only needed Bilbo, so I ordered him online. There wasn't a picture, but it was a really good price. I think it was so cheap because it said used. But I didn't mind.

So, basi...

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

Whats another name for a blowup doll.

Plastic bag

Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a plastic surgeon and a chicken farmer have in common?

They both give you big breasts.

How are ps4s and Micheal Jackson similar?

They're both plastic and get turned on by little kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic.

I told her: "just put the money in a fucking bag!"

Art Show

A man walked into the Lourve with a plastic clicking box.

He held it up to a renaissance portrait; the box didn't click at all. He moved on to the surrealist paintings—the plastic box clicked a little. Security got anxious.

Just as they were about to stop him he moved into an exhibitio...

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