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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper.

Depends.

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.

The Times are rough

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Life is like a toilet paper

One minute you’re on a roll


And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole

Why does KFC not have toilet paper?

It's finger licking good

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I still remember what my uncle said right before the toilet broke...

"SHIT!"

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I only post on Reddit when I'm on the Toilet.

That way, I'm only shitposting.

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I remember when, as a kid, I learned toilets could flush.

I lost my shit.

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

Thieves have broken into and stolen all the toilets at the Police Station

Detectives have nothing to go on

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Hey did you guys hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

Yeah he got pissed off

Where did the terminator find toilet paper?

Aisle B. back

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It’s shitty to be dealt cards when sitting on the toilet

Fortunately, I had a straight flush.

Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water...

but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool.

Did you know you can get crabs from a toilet seat?

It's true, but the other way is more fun.

What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

If you said "I don't know," click here:



>!So you're the idiot that ruined my shower curtain!!!!!<

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I was on the toilet when the power went out.

Scared the shit out of me.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

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What's the worst toilet?

Detroit ,can't have shit there

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

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People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes

damn, i always mix up their and they're

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If you think you need a 128 pack of toilet paper

You're probably full of shit

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

A child wasn't toilet trained yet.

Whenever he used to go out with his mother, he would always say, "Mom, I wanna pee!", "Mom, I wanna pee!" His mother would quickly take him to a public toilet or to the bushes or something, so that he stops saying that.

Now obviously the mother used to feel embarrassed, since everyone around ...

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What’s the easiest way to clean a toilet?

Flush the shit out of it

Did you hear the one about toilet paper?

Second thoughts it's tearable

I was going to make a joke about toilet paper

but most of you probably wouldn't get it

If anyone is still having trouble finding toilet paper or paper towels, I know a guy you can call...

Dog the Bounty Hunter. He's brawny and some people find him strangely charmin'.

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So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

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How long does a piece of shit stay stuck to the side of the toilet for?

Until it gets pissed off

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Being a baby in a nappy was awesome, when I had to go to the toilet, I just went.

Never had to worry about that shit

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You thought the Toilet Roll Rampage was bad......

Just wait until 26 million women all try to book a hairdressers appointment at the same fucking time

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Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore,

Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929

But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

What did Mr. Spock find when he looked in the toilet?

The Captains log...

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

Dark humor is like toilet paper

Not everyone gets it

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There are literally no available toilets in Motown.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

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Hoarding toilet paper is a good sign.

It shows people's confidence that there will be food.

Worried about toilet paper shortage?

Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

At magician school, a pupil asks if they can use the toilet.

The teacher replied “What are the magic words?”.

A random quote written in gents toilet

You future is in your hand

.

..

Imagine the quote written in ladies toilet

.

.

Do not play with your future....

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

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My friend who lives in Michigan just had his toilet stolen.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

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I've been trying to understand all the toilet paper panic buying.

I think I got it.
One guy coughs and a 100 people lose their shit.

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What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

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I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

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I learned to tie rope on the toilet

I shit you knot

Toilet paper shortages causing some communities to resort to using lettuce

When asked about the extant crisis, Dr. Asterac simply stated:

"This morning was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaine's to be seen."

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My wife and I are home quarantined for two weeks. Fortunately, we hoarded lots of toilet paper.

Time for some roll playing games.

I just found out why people are buying so much toilet paper.

An asteroid might hit earth in 2020. Paper beats rock.

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Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because Karen bought it all.

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Shower thoughts are just toilet thoughts

butt cleaner

Hey guy, what's the difference between Bernie Sanders and a 12 pack of toilet paper?

The toilet paper gets restocked after it sells out lel.

My work replaced our regular toilet paper with single ply. Everybody hates it...

...Its really tearable.

.

.

part credit to Amb_33 (thanks).

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What do you call a lobster with four packs of toilet paper?

A shellfish bastard.

I brought my lady friend some toilet paper yesterday.

It's clear she finally found her Prince Charmin.

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

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So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet

He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"

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What do you call someone who buys all the toilet paper in the supermarket?

A wanker. Why else would they need all of that?

What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?

B'day mate.

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I'm surprised stores are out of toilet paper and not laundry detergent..

The whole world has been shitting themselves for weeks..

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I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet,

I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

Toilet paper prices are like a cheap circumcision right now

It's a rip off

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My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”...

Ass King for a friend...

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Bear and a Rabbit talking about the toilet paper shortage,...

The bear says, "It sucks being out of toilet paper. Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says, "No, not really."

The bear says, "Thanks", and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

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A white guy in a bar goes to the toilet...

While he’s standing there a black guy comes in, stands at the next urinal, and whips out his massive dick. The white guy asks how he got it.
The black guy tells him, “Every night I tie a piece of cord around the end and pull it tight for five minutes.
The white guy thanks him and leaves. The t...

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I have uncovered the human psychology behind all this toilet paper hoarding...

That’s just how we roll...

After I ran out of toilet paper, a friend suggested using pages from an old book

That worked OK I guess, but now I'm looking for suggestions to clean a Kindle.

How do you get a toilet to talk?

Get a human to dress up like a toilet and then talk. Although it is debatable if he really is a toilet.

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My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?"

I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers"

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Toilet paper shortage shows that there are more assholes than we thought

Period.

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?

It got stuck in a crack

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People are hating on me for buying all this toilet paper.

But how else am I going to get through 50 jerk offs a day during the quarantine without it?

The solution to the toilet paper shortage is the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle.

One square at a time.

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How do I feel about people hoarding toilet paper? Well on the the one hand

I have shit because I couldn’t buy toilet paper

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People hoarding toilet paper made me realize something

There are a lot more assholes around me than I thought

Sitting on the toilet..

this morning I was reminded of my first divorce.

At first I thought it was going to be a clean break, but then it got messy and involved lots of paperwork

Now that we've ran out of toilet paper

I wished I had bought a toilet brush with softer bristles.

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

I had an issue at the toilet due to the Corona Virus..

I had run out of toilet paper so I had to use socks..

dumb name for a hamster anyways.

Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits

I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean.

I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

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Politicians are like toilet paper

One minute crowds chasing them.

Then they get elected.

Next thing, people would rather put them on their butthole.

I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati.

I am going to miss that car.

I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

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At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

I became so anxious about the Covid-19 that even when I go to the toilet,

I wash my hands.

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Using one ply toilet paper is like reading mean Reddit comments.

Found the asshole.

How much toilet paper you have now determines your social status

How Charmin

Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer

For good clean fun

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Why is it worse for trappers when they run out of toilet paper?

They have to wipe their butts with their bear hands.

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Honestly, I kinda sympathize with Americans who are hoarding toilet paper right now

Giant assholes need to wipe more than other people

I have a 24 pack of Aldi toilet rolls

Looking to swap for a 4 bedroom house

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

Because it wanted to get to the bottom!

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Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding.

I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.

My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail.

They called it a "Jury Summons."

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Did you hear the Netherlands is almost out of toilet paper and weed?

People bought them all for shits and giggles.

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I saw two kids fighting over the last roll of toilet paper and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

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People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume...

Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench.

If you ever see a toilet in your dreams...

...don't use it !

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I’d like to thank my toilet

For always knowing how to deal with my shit

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A message to all those who are buying toilet paper in bulk

The Coronavirus doesn't spread through the asshole

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