UPJOKE
bathroomlavatorycommodeflush toiletouthousecanurinalrestroomjohnurinechamber potstoolpottypotprivy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet

They both take a piss into the urinal. As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.



The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"



to which the navy man replies: "In ...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?

If you dont know you are not allowed at my house.

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

A blonde accidentally drops 20$ down the toilet

She asks her boyfriend to grab it for her and he says:

"Y'know, honey, 20$ isn't really worth putting my hand on the toilet."

"Would 70$ be worth it?"

"70$? Yeah, I suppose."

The blonde drops 50$ down the toilet.

What does a non-binary person do on the toilet?

They/She/It

Why did Karl Marx’s toilet play music?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern

A woman goes to the Doctor about her constipation 'It's making me really uncomfortable' she says 'I just sit on the toilet for 6 hours ... and nothing happens'

'6 hours!?' The Doctor asks 'Are you taking anything?'

'Usually just a book' replies the woman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a nice restaurant lately. The food was great but in the rest rooms there was only John Wayne toilet paper.

Rough, though, and doesn't take shit from anyone.

What happens when the Queen is done visiting the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

Someone stole the toilets from the police station

The cops have nothing to go on

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.

It was tough, and a little messy.

But for a clean ass?

it was the best 43 cents i’d ever spent.

How does an Australian toilet greet you?

Bidet, mate!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

..... because he got pissed off

I was cleaning the toilet with my brother

He's still mad at me for not using a brush instead

What makes Miley Cyrus’ toilet so special?

It’s a potty in the USA

What does a binary person do on the toilet?

A number 1 or a number 10

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some times this world makes me feel like a clogged toilet.

I just can't take any more of this shit.

To the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper....

I wanna shake your hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In which city you will only find urinals in men's toilet?

Detroit, cause you can't get shit in Detroit.

Why is the never any toilet paper at KFC?

It's finger lickin good!

As part of my path to enlightenment, I buy my toilet paper from the dollar store.

It helps me get in touch with my inner self.

What’s worse than having diarrhea and a clogged toilet?

Nothing, please someone help me out

I used to write my best ideas on toilet paper

That was a tearrible idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toilets need to start standing up for themselves

They take crap from anybody

Why did the toilet paper have trouble crossing the road?

It got stuck in a crack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his r...

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat.

Did you hear about all the toilets being stolen inside the Miami Dade police department?

The cops have nothing to go on.

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I'm switching back to paper...

My wife told me I have a bad temper, so I flushed a GPS tracker down the toilet.

That way I'd never lose my sh*t again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two stalls. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my pants and sat down. A voice came from the stall next to me: "Hello there! How are you doing?" I thought t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One ply toilet paper is the John Wayne of butt-wipe.

Every roll is the same: square, white, two dimensional, but rough as hell and don't take shit off nobody.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

how is life like toilet paper?

Either you take crap from people or you are on a roll

Confucius says, man who stand on toilet

High on pot

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”

I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

If two people plan to go to the toilet together you could say that they

Co-looed.

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

The Captains log.....

Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons:

Number 1 and Number 2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

What would you do if all toilets stopped working?

Depends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when your watch falls into the toilet...

Your gonna have a shitty time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Yoda say during his toilet break while being late for a meeting?

Time for this shit, I do not have.

Just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket

I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage

I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles

So I have signed a partition

Here’s a simple trick to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.

Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thor cruises the universe looking for the perfect woman.

He eventually comes to Earth. He spots this amazing-looking woman in a club, so he asks her if she wants a drink.

"Yeth I'd love a drink she replies".

A bit later Thor asks her to dance.

"Yeth, I'd love to dance " she replies.

In the end Thor decides to ask her back to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Donald Trump say, when he went to the toilet?

I have to flush some classified bullshit

What's the best thing about playing Wordle on the toilet?

You can eliminate vowels and your bowels at the same time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

Just got arrested for blowing up my school’s toilets.

I mean, what did you really expect, building a high school next to a Taco Bell?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Sean Connery wrote an entire book on the toilet?

Aye, he wrote it in one shitting

Why did the boy put his hands in the toilet?

Because it was his duty.

(Likely accidental courtesy of my 4 yr old daughter).

There is new innovation for single ply toilet paper

It features breakthrough technology

So I was pinching one at a highway restaurant toilet

There I sat, reading a magazine, minding my own business. A couple of minutes later comes this other dude and enters the next cubicle. I stay silent, hearing him unzip, taking his pants off, shuffling around, sitting down and starting his thing.

A minute later, I hear him say "Hey, what's up?...

Did you hear about the bloke who drank a bottle of toilet cleaner?

He went clean round the s-bend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half a...

I was out camping recently when I found out that I had run out of toilet roll…

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

I've never owned a toilet brush.So when I got married my wife got me one.

Tbh i still prefer toilet paper

Trump as president visiting kindergarten, school and prison...

So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people.
First, kindergarten. He sees leaking roof, worn out toys and playground, underpayed teachers.
- Mike, write down, let's donate from federal budget 1 milion $ to each kinderg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do anniversaries, toilet bowls and clitorises have in common?

Some men miss all three.

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order.

So, I just held it for 20 minutes.

The woman opposite me stared at me in disgust and said, "is that shit in your hand?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off!

What is the difference between blue collars and white collars?

Blue collars wash their hands BEFORE going to toilet, and white collars - afterwards.

What does the Royal familys toilet receive when they are finished with it

A royal flush. Get your dirty mind out of the gutter

What do you call musical chairs with toilets?

Game of Thrones

Toilet training

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy…

He pushes up the seat and balances his little pen!s on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping ...

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet

It's some next level shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a public toilet and found it was empty

I went into a booth and sat down on the seat. Just then I heard someone come in and get into the booth next to me. I coughed to let them know I was in the booth next to him. He said "Hello". I was surprised but didn't say anything. He said Hello again. This time I said "hey." He asked "how are you?"...

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

a man walks into a supermarket

He grabs a bag of dog food, and brings it to the checkout. The cashier says: "sorry, according to store policy you need to bring your pet with you if you want to buy food" The man, who doesn't have his dog with him walks away angrily.

The next day he comes back and takes a bag of cat food, o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a toilet in my dream and peed in my bed

Now I am pissed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stuart is having a beer at a bar when he feels the sudden urge to shit. He goes to the bathroom sits down on the pot when the guy in the toilet next to him says, "hey," through the dividing wall. A bit apprehensive, Stuart says, "Hello?"

The guys asks, "how's it going" to which Stuart responds, "I'm sorry, do I know you?" The guy now responds in an annoyed tone, "dude let me call you back, the schmuck in the stall next to me thinks we're having a conversation."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do toilet paper and the USS Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons!



Happy Star Trek day

Dad joke

Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill?

To get the the bottom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daveey

### Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A women pregnant with triplets gets caught in the middle of a shootout

And is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to hospital and the doctors check her out. They tell her that each of the bullets has hit one of the babies but in a way that they will survive with no permanent damage. After the babies are born the women decides not to tell her three children...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lion in the Jungle

A lion is walking through his jungle and steps on someone's poop , so the next day he calls every animal in the jungle and tells them that now there are toilets around the jungle and everyone is to do their business there.

For a week everything went well but one day a bunny is walking throug...

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

I ran out of toilet paper so I started using old newspapers

The Times are rough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.

Given the number of assholes in the country.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screami...

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the...

Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again

I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighbourhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just told my boss I'm fed up of working in a shit hole: the toilets are never cleaned, there's mould in the fridge, there's never any hot water and the place hasn't been hoovered once

Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dropped my phone in the toilet yesterday

Now the call quality is shit

Why does Drax avoid automatically flushing toilets?

They flush early when he stands still.

What did the toilet say to the shower?

"Stop crying... *I'm* the one eating it!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In America we call it "restroom" but in Britain they call it "toilet"

It's the same shit though

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't you use the Daily Mail as toilet paper?

Because it's already covered in shit.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daniel Running Deer walked up to the customer service counter at the supermarket

He told the agent that he wanted to return a package of John Wayne brand toilet paper. She asked him what was wrong with it and Daniel said “Well it’s rough, and it’s tough, and it doesn’t take any shit off of Indians.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The power suddenly went out and got dark while I was on the toilet

I couldn't see shit.

Paper

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no toilet paper in this one, either! "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An abandoned gas station.

A man is driving down a loan highway when he realizes he has to take a dump badly. He sees a gas station and pulls over. It doesn’t take him long to realize it’s abandoned. The gas pumps and building itself are derelict, but the bathrooms are still open for use.

He walks in and instantly tak...

Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One dog says to the other...

How do you like that? Pay toilets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she’d like us to save money for her to get breast implants

I told her, “Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your breasts every day.”

She said, “What the hell is that going to do?”

I said, “I don’t know but it seems to have worked wonders on your ass.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Army Joke

The Sergeant Major was tasking the cpls and privates with cleaning up the cigarette butts in the smoking are as we got ready to leave one place and move to another.
One non-smoking young soldier said, “I don’t think I should have to clean up butts sir, I don’t smoke”, to which the Sergeant Major...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.


Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw my friend take a shit

I told him that was disgusting and he needs to put it back in the toilet where he found it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golden toilet

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home.
''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet

It was a shampoo.

Why are the majority of toilets white?

Because it’s the American Standard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice gentlemen.

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

I was trying to survive in the woods when I realized I ran out of toilet paper.

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grills’ book.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college student returns to his dormitory after visiting a prostitute.

"Hey," the student's roommate says, "how was your... uh, session?"

"I don't know why you recommended her!" the student replies. "She's *literally* crazy!"

"What happened?!" asks the roommate.

"First," the student replies, "she told me to lie on the floor. I did, and then she sto...

Solid gold toilet.

I walked in on a man using a solid gold toilet.

"How many karats is that, sir?"

"None, but there is a lot of corn."

This weirdo in the bathroom tried talking to me while I was on the toilet.

Just because the stall door is open doesn’t mean I’m here to chat. Jeez, have some boundaries dude.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.