The 114+ Best Toilet Jokes

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know."

Son: "So it was you."

Toilet paper...

Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper, I'd like to shake his hand.

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.

His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.

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What does a waiter and a toilet have in common?

They can effectively only serve one asshole at a time

My wife bought a toilet brush.

I tried it. Too rough. I’m going back to using toilet paper.

What's worse than a cold toilet seat?

A warm one.

My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not quite sure why I started carrying it around with me.

When I went to the toilet, I left the door open so I could keep watching the movie.

The other passengers on the plane were slightly irritated.

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Why does Chuck Norris never have to flush the toilet?

He just scares the shit out of it.

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The toilet paper at my parents' house is like John Wayne.

It's rough and tough and won't take crap off nobody.

I've just found out what happens when you pull on the red cord in the disabled toilet.

It makes someone smash the door in and call you a "time-wasting prick."

Due to rising costs, I stopped using toilet paper. Instead, I'm using newspaper now

Man, The Times are rough.

Somebody stole all the toilets in the police station

The cops have nothing to go on

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A man calls the police, upset that his house has been broken into, and his toilet used.

The owner says that nothing has been stolen, and the police officer finds no signs of forced entry. "Why exactly did you call the police?" he asks.

The owner takes the officer into the bathroom and shows him the toilet bowl. "What do you see?" he asks. "A turd," says the officer.

"Exac...

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Two skidmarks are stuck to the side of the toilet bowl.

One asks the other, how long are you planning on sticking around?

Other one says.. I dunno, just until I get pissed off.

What do you call a king on the toilet?

A royal flush

There was a wooden shoe in my toilet.

It was clogged. I think it was sabot-age.

Success is like toilet paper;

it only seems important when you don’t have it.

Why does KFC not have toilet paper? (sorry)

Because it's finger lickin good

I suspect that my son has been flushing his blunts down the toilet.

No wonder my water bill is so high.

what’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

ohhh….so YOU’RE the one!

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How is the Starship Enterprise like toilet paper?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

What did Spock find in the toilet?

The Captain's Log.

I’m making a comic book about a superhero toilet.

Billionaire bidet, crime fighter by night.

How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.

What did the toilet say to the guy who ate a whole package of sausages?

Doo your wurst!

Why does the toilet paper keep winning?

Because it’s on a roll

What does a non-binary person do on the toilet?

They/She/It

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

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A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet

They both take a piss into the urinal. As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.

The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"

to which the navy man replies: "In ...

I had a major breakthrough while on the toilet at work today.

Really wish they'd buy thicker TP.

I got some sudoku toilet paper.

Sadly I can't complete it, since I can only fill it with 1's and 2's.

It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.

2p or not to pee, that is the question.

A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.

"Excuse me," he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, "Did I step on your foot when I went out?"

"Yes you did," says the lady angrily.

"Oh good," says the man, "that means I'm in the right row."

Toilet jokes are not my most favourite kind ...

but they're a solid number two.

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What happened to the angry fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off.

Did you hear about the guy who escaped being a toilet slave?

He got away scat-free.

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Toilet Paper Miracle

Just found this joke in a pile of my late father’s belongings…

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
su...

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.

It was tough, and a little messy.

But for a clean ass?

it was the best 43 cents i’d ever spent.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

A woman goes to the Doctor about her constipation 'It's making me really uncomfortable' she says 'I just sit on the toilet for 6 hours ... and nothing happens'

'6 hours!?' The Doctor asks 'Are you taking anything?'

'Usually just a book' replies the woman

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

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what does captain Kirk have in common with toilet paper?

They both go to Uranus to get the Klingons

A blonde accidentally drops 20$ down the toilet

She asks her boyfriend to grab it for her and he says:

"Y'know, honey, 20$ isn't really worth putting my hand on the toilet."

"Would 70$ be worth it?"

"70$? Yeah, I suppose."

The blonde drops 50$ down the toilet.

Why did Karl Marx’s toilet play music?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll;

are you trying to quit?

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

What happens when the Queen is done visiting the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

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Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before.

So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this:

So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the control...

As part of my path to enlightenment, I buy my toilet paper from the dollar store.

It helps me get in touch with my inner self.

What’s worse than having diarrhea and a clogged toilet?

Nothing, please someone help me out

How does an Australian toilet greet you?

Bidet, mate!!

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road

It got stuck in a crack

I was cleaning the toilet with my brother

He's still mad at me for not using a brush instead

What makes Miley Cyrus’ toilet so special?

It’s a potty in the USA

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

Confucius says, man who stand on toilet

High on pot

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his r...

People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”

I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

Did you hear about all the toilets being stolen inside the Miami Dade police department?

The cops have nothing to go on.

I used to write my best ideas on toilet paper

That was a tearrible idea

What does a binary person do on the toilet?

A number 1 or a number 10

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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

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In which city you will only find urinals in men's toilet?

Detroit, cause you can't get shit in Detroit.

A husband and wife are having breakfast

The wife asks him: ‘Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck’

‘Do I look like a carpenter?’

‘And the toilet is also clogged.. i’d take a look at that as well’

‘Do I look like a plumber?’

‘Oh and theres a tile loose on our kitchen floor’...

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Two wives go out.

Two wives go out without their husbands.
Suddenly, they feel the urge to pee, but the without a toilet in sight the only place where they can find relief is in a nearby cementaty.
The first wife realises she has no paper so she cleans herself with her panty and throws it away.
The sec...

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One ply toilet paper is the John Wayne of butt-wipe.

Every roll is the same: square, white, two dimensional, but rough as hell and don't take shit off nobody.

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Don't wake Up Until Ten

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year ol...

I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles

So I have signed a partition

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two guys are out golfing and they realize they have to go to the bathroom

Two guys are out golfing when one of the golfers turns the other one it says "oh man I got to go to the bathroom."

The other one looks at him and says "yeah me too. But you better go first, I'm going to be in there a while."

So the first guy runs across the green goes into the Outhouse...

Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons:

Number 1 and Number 2

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Some times this world makes me feel like a clogged toilet.

I just can't take any more of this shit.

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I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two stalls. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my pants and sat down. A voice came from the stall next to me: "Hello there! How are you doing?" I thought t...

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I'm switching back to paper...

What’s the difference between 4-layered toilet paper and a liberal arts major

You don’t find 4 layered toilet paper at Starbucks

My wife told me I have a bad temper, so I flushed a GPS tracker down the toilet.

That way I'd never lose my sh*t again.

Just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket

I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage

What would you do if all toilets stopped working?

Depends.

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.

First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

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What happens when your watch falls into the toilet...

Your gonna have a shitty time.

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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed.

"What have we here?"
"It's not mine officer."
He scoffs.
"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me...

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What did Donald Trump say, when he went to the toilet?

I have to flush some classified bullshit

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Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

If two people plan to go to the toilet together you could say that they

Co-looed.

Every morning I tell myself, "You have so much within you. You can do it!"

And then I sit on the toilet.

So I was pinching one at a highway restaurant toilet

There I sat, reading a magazine, minding my own business. A couple of minutes later comes this other dude and enters the next cubicle. I stay silent, hearing him unzip, taking his pants off, shuffling around, sitting down and starting his thing.

A minute later, I hear him say "Hey, what's up?...

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What did Yoda say during his toilet break while being late for a meeting?

Time for this shit, I do not have.

When does Q come before P?

When there's a line for the toilet.

Here’s a simple trick to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.

Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

There is new innovation for single ply toilet paper

It features breakthrough technology

What's the best thing about playing Wordle on the toilet?

You can eliminate vowels and your bowels at the same time.

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

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A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half a...

Why did the boy put his hands in the toilet?

Because it was his duty.

(Likely accidental courtesy of my 4 yr old daughter).

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When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet

It's some next level shit

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I saw a toilet in my dream and peed in my bed

Now I am pissed

Did you hear about the bloke who drank a bottle of toilet cleaner?

He went clean round the s-bend.

I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time.

"Excuse me, I just need the toilet," I said, excusing myself from the table.

"Don't forget to spray the air freshener!" replied the dad.

I said, "No need. Cocaine doesn't smell."

I was out camping recently when I found out that I had run out of toilet roll…

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.

Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.

Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.

Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the ca...

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So a man was playing golf...

So this dude was out playing golf on a Sunday. About half way through the first 9 holes, he forgets what hole he is on so he asks a lady in front of him, "hey miss, sorry to bother you, but I've forgotten what hole I am on, and you are on the hole in front of me, would you mind telling me what hole ...

I've never owned a toilet brush.So when I got married my wife got me one.

Tbh i still prefer toilet paper

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I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

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I went to a public toilet and found it was empty

I went into a booth and sat down on the seat. Just then I heard someone come in and get into the booth next to me. I coughed to let them know I was in the booth next to him. He said "Hello". I was surprised but didn't say anything. He said Hello again. This time I said "hey." He asked "how are you?"...

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It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.

Given the number of assholes in the country.

What do you call musical chairs with toilets?

Game of Thrones

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Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screami...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

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I just took a shit a few minutes ago

When I told my friend, he said that it was “fucking disgusting” and that I should “put it back in the toilet and flush the goddamn thing”

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