When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

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I got one of those fancy butt sprayers for my toilet, but it never works at night...

I guess I can only use it bidet.

Someone broke into my house and stole my toilet.

Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.

I ran out of toilet paper

and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper

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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

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When the 2020 lockdowns started, people bought all the toilet paper for their assholes

Well, that's what the claimed. They actually bought it for they're assholes.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."

So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"

The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"

Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."

What did Spock find in the toilet of the Enterprise?

The captain's log.

Why did the toilet paper act so cool?

Because it was on a roll.

What did the toilet say to the other?

"You feeling ok? You look flushed.."

Can't take credit for it. Just heard it on last man standing and was surprised how loud i chuckled.

What does a first grader in math class and me when I'm out of toilet paper have in common?

We have to use our fingers.

A friend asked me if I felt especially blessed to have the privilege of cleaning out Catwoman's toilet...

"Halle loo, yeah!"

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My wife told me to stop smoking weed on the toilet.

I just do it for the shits and giggles.

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How is life like toilet paper?

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

What is it called when a person pretends to use the toilet.

A sham poo.

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What do toilet paper and the USS Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus and pick up klingons

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

There are two reasons not to drink toilet water.

Number one. And number two.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

Two students, both 5 year old kids are peeing inside the male toilet.

Boy 1: Hey, what's wrong with your pee-pee?

Boy 2: What do you mean?

Boy 1: It doesn't look like mine, why is there no skin thingy?

Boy 2: Oh, i was circumcised when i was 2 days old. The doctor removed the skin.

Boy 1: (Grimacing) Oww, was it painful?

Boy 2: Painf...

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A white guy at a public toilet....

A 34 year old white man goes to a public toilet to piss. As he is about to do his business, he sees a beam next to him but no person. He looks around and sees a black man with an enormously large penis that is about 20 cm behind him. The white man shyly addresses the black man: "Is it really true wh...

What happens when the king uses a toilet?

He gives it a royal flush

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

He got stuck in a crack.

What did a constipated Moses demand while on the toilet?

"Let my fecal go!"

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Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

Do you know the difference between a toilet and a pan?

If you clicked to see the answer don’t ever ask me to eat at your place.

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I emptied a bottle of leftover hair-dye down the toilet.

Shit got dark pretty fast.

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You know, I never really trusted my toilet.

He is just so frequently full of shit.

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it’s a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...

So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let’s call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind ...

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I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean

He said “no shit”

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Sat on the toilet at 11:59PM. It’s currently 12:01AM.

Same shit, different day.

A doctor's toilet gets clogged up

He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.

Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!

Plum...

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Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. One turns to the other and says, “Your dinky doesn’t have any skin on it.” “That’s because I’ve been circumcised,” he replies. “Cor! What does that mean?”
“It means the skin’s been cut off the end.” “How old were you when they did tha...

A wise man once said, "One who stands on toilet...

is high on Pot."

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Why do we have so much toilet paper hoarding again?

Because we have too many assholes.

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet.

These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

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I was at the toilet at 11:59 p.m. yesterday, and the clock struck midnight.

I thought, “Same shit. Different year.”

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Did you hear about the two ants that liked to hang out on the toilet seat?

One got pissed off.

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

They say to upset a blind man, leave the plunger in the toilet...

But I think you'd frustrate him more by putting door handles all over the wall.

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Did you hear about the blonde who dropped her gum in the toilet?

She chewed the shit out of it

What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat?

Shrivel me timber!

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

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I heard a man died on the toilet after eating 2 dumbbells

Thats some heavy shit (sorry)

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

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Why did the duck need toilet paper?

For his butt quack

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Why are people buying so much toilet paper during the pandemic?

Because whenever someone around them coughs, they shit their pants.

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Just had to unclog my toilet

It was a pretty shitty situation.

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I read in the school newsletter today that there were kids in the school toilet block pissing up the wall to see how high they could reach

Anyway, apparently the school principal heard about this and was fuming, so he stormed over to the toilets and hit the roof!

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

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Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

"Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper?"

"It's finger lickin' good"

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand...

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I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

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I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late to work.



I thought, "I don't have time for this shit."

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvem...

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Yo dude we should really check out the toilet.

Heard some real shit is going down there.

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I made a huge breakthrough in toilet paper technology this morning

So now I have to wash the crap off my fingers

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During the toilet paper shortage of the pandemic I found out a way to massively save money on toilet paper

Firstly I bought a bidet add-on kit for my toilet. But the biggest impact on my toilet paper usage has been that I just quit giving a shit.

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How do you describe an angry Mike Tyson after clogging his toilet?

Flushturd

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People in Asia hoarded rice, people in Europe hoarded flour, people in America hoarded toilet paper

Conclusion: Americans eat toilet paper.

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

Where do toilets come from?

They grow on toiletries..

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

My wife didn't like the wooden shoes I made for her, tried to flush them down the toilet.

Now the damn thing's clogged.

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

Last night a thief broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets,

Police say they have nothing to go on.

How is a toilet like a workplace?

The biggest lumps rise to the top

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

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Have you tried John Wayne toilet paper?

Well don’t.

It’s rough, tough,and don’t take shit off of anybody!

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A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth...

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said: "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm going to screw that hostess".


Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell t...

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If I ever catch a toilet paper hoarder

I’ll ask them to explain themselves but all their reasons will be shit.

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What do Toilets, Anniversaries, and Clitorises have in common?

Men are always missing them

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Just wanted to let you know all my funny jokes are thought out while on the toilet

That’s where all my best shit comes out

Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts.

Currently the police have nothing to go on

I just went to use the toilet, but there was a pair of wooden shoes inside it

I hate it when they get clogged.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

I named my toilet "Jim" today

That way it sounds a lot better when I go to the Jim each morning

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Why do 40,000 people get injured by their toilets each year?

Because the toilets are done taking their shit.

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet?

Commodo dragon...

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Why was toilet paper in the Soviet Union really coarse and more like sandpaper?

So every asshole would turn red.

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My wife asked why i always come back with a boner after i go to the toilet?

Its not my fault they put a mirror in there!

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Shower thoughts are just toilet thoughts

butt cleaner

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How long does a piece a shit stay stuck on the side of a toilet?

Until it gets pissed off

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An Indian walks into a grocery store...

He's approached by a store associate who asks him "can I have a moment of your time?" The man agrees and the associate explains to him that they are asking customers to try out a new brand of toilet paper and to come up with names to call it based on their experience. So he convinces the man to try ...

Where did the Terminator find extra toilet paper?

Aisle B, back.

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My mom was on a toilet when a phone rang

She was already finished so she said: "I'm gonna get it!"

I needed to use the toilet badly so I went in after her and noticed she forgot to flush. It wasn't a big deal, I just performed my needs and flushed for both of us.

When my mom found out that I flushed the toilet, she wasn't too...

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I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for sitting on the coke rimmed toilet lid

I guess you could really say my ass is on the line this time.

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?

Because it was wiped out

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

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I feel bad for my toilet

It has to put up with all my shit

I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.

I call it my diarrhea!

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What did one poop say to the other when they got to the toilet?

This place is a dump!

Did you hear about the undercover cop who uncovered a glory hole in a public toilet?

Turns out he received an anonymous tip.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you can't tell the difference, you will never be invited to my house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk person walks into public toilet and..

...sees a 1 dollar bill in a shit. He thinks - *Hmmm...Should I get my hands dirty and take the shitty only 1 dollar bill? He thinks for a minute,then takes out a 10 dollar bill from his pocket, throws it into sh*t too and says : For 11 dollars I could do that.

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