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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper?

Because it's finger lickin' good

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

I named my toilet "Jim" today

That way it sounds a lot better when I go to the Jim each morning

Last night a thief broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets,

Police say they have nothing to go on.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

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Why do 40,000 people get injured by their toilets each year?

Because the toilets are done taking their shit.

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Shower thoughts are just toilet thoughts

butt cleaner

Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?

Because it was wiped out

Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts.

Currently the police have nothing to go on

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How long does a piece a shit stay stuck on the side of a toilet?

Until it gets pissed off

I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.

I call it my diarrhea!

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

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How is it to have a life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you can't tell the difference, you will never be invited to my house.

Do you know the difference between a toilet and a pan?

If you clicked to see the answer don’t ever ask me to eat at your place.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

Where did the Terminator find extra toilet paper?

Aisle B, back.

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A drunk person walks into public toilet and..

...sees a 1 dollar bill in a shit. He thinks - *Hmmm...Should I get my hands dirty and take the shitty only 1 dollar bill? He thinks for a minute,then takes out a 10 dollar bill from his pocket, throws it into sh*t too and says : For 11 dollars I could do that.

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

I forgot to take my phone to the toilet

There are 1325 vertical and 975 horizontal lines on the tiles.

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Did you hear about Texas toilet paper?

They had to take it off the market. It wouldn't take shit off anybody.

What type of toilets do pirates prefer?

Port-a-potties.

I'll sea myself out.

Did you hear about the undercover cop who uncovered a glory hole in a public toilet?

Turns out he received an anonymous tip.

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Toilet cleaners

must have a really crappy job.

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

Four frogs are playing poker behind a bar in New Orleans. One frog said: "You know I used to be a pet to a prince that came here one time." The other frogs roll their eyes, "You know what happend next? I was suddenly down their toilet and in the gutter" the frogs ignore and place their final bets.

Without skipping a beat the frog says: "I guess you can say, it was a..." throws cards down "a royal flush".

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I feel bad for my toilet

It has to put up with all my shit

I know a guy who impersonates a toilet

His name in John

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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

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What's the same about the Star Ship Enterprise and Toilet Paper?

They both fly to Uranus and wipe out the cling-ons

If every time I need to throw up I sprint to the toilet...

...at what point does it become a running gag?

Women complain about men sitting on the toilet too long.

What kind of king doesn't sit on his throne?



P.s. sorry if this is unoriginal. It sounds too good to not be taken.

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Why did they stop the production of the air conditioned toilet seat?

Shit hit the fan.

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I told my editor, "I don't think toilet humor is funny."

She replied, "I agree. And, it's a shitty job, but someone has to do it. Now, get back to writing before you flush your career away."

What dinosaur used boulders as toilet paper?

Megasoreass

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons.

A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

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I cringed as my finger tore through the toilet paper,

And i felt the warmth of fresh shit under my finger nail.


Sometimes i really hate my job and this damn nursing home.

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I often browse r/Jokes while on the toilet

Just for shits and giggles

TIL that the toilet seat was invented by the polish people and only after 5 years the American perfected it by adding the hole in the middle.

A rough translation of a jk my dad told me

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

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I am sitting on the toilet with the squirts.

Yes. This is a shitpost.

Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my recent divorce.

At first I thought I thought I was in for a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

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I only post on Reddit when I'm on the Toilet.

That way, I'm only shitposting.

What do you call an army official who rents toilets?

A Loo-Tenant

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

What should you do if you run out of toilet paper in the wilderness?

Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

If ever you see a toilet in your dreams...........

............... DO NOT USE IT!!

You can’t drink out of a toilet for two reasons:

Number one

Number two

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A joke that Abraham Lincoln told

I’ve never seen this joke here before, I read it in some biography long ago in my school days. This is a joke that actual President Lincoln told:

There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.

So they got a port...

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I remember when, as a kid, I learned toilets could flush.

I lost my shit.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

It has been discovered that you can get HIV from a toilet seat

If you sit down before the other gets up

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What did the man say to the toilet when he cleaned it?

“This thing has really seen some shit!”

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What do you call the outcome of someone reading a book on the toilet?

Reader's Digest.

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People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes

damn, i always mix up their and they're

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Hey did you guys hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

Yeah he got pissed off

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

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So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper.

Depends.

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I still remember what my uncle said right before the toilet broke...

"SHIT!"

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Bought a Magic toilet

At first i accidentally flushed my silver necklace down the toilet.

The next day i found silver jewelries on the bathroom floor.

Then i decided to flush down my gold ring.

The very next day, gold jewelries everywhere in bathroom.

I realized that my toilet is magical so i...

What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

If you said "I don't know," click here:



>!So you're the idiot that ruined my shower curtain!!!!!<

Did you know you can get crabs from a toilet seat?

It's true, but the other way is more fun.

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It’s shitty to be dealt cards when sitting on the toilet

Fortunately, I had a straight flush.

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are buying train tickets

The Englishmen all buy a seperate ticket, 3 in total. The Irishmen however buy only one ticket for the three of them.

One of the Englishmen asks: "Won't you guys get thrown off the train?"

"You'll see," say the Irish.

After riding the train for half an hour, the six men see the ...

I was going to make a joke about toilet paper

but most of you probably wouldn't get it

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

What did Mr. Spock find when he looked in the toilet?

The Captains log...

Dark humor is like toilet paper

Not everyone gets it

A child wasn't toilet trained yet.

Whenever he used to go out with his mother, he would always say, "Mom, I wanna pee!", "Mom, I wanna pee!" His mother would quickly take him to a public toilet or to the bushes or something, so that he stops saying that.

Now obviously the mother used to feel embarrassed, since everyone around ...

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Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore,

Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

Worried about toilet paper shortage?

Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

Did you hear the one about toilet paper?

Second thoughts it's tearable

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

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I've been trying to understand all the toilet paper panic buying.

I think I got it.
One guy coughs and a 100 people lose their shit.

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So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet

He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

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My friend told me there was toilet paper in stock at the supermarket down the street. I was surprised and I asked him, "Are you sure?"

"You bet your ass."

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My wife and I are home quarantined for two weeks. Fortunately, we hoarded lots of toilet paper.

Time for some roll playing games.

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What’s the easiest way to clean a toilet?

Flush the shit out of it

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929

But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

At magician school, a pupil asks if they can use the toilet.

The teacher replied “What are the magic words?”.

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

If anyone is still having trouble finding toilet paper or paper towels, I know a guy you can call...

Dog the Bounty Hunter. He's brawny and some people find him strangely charmin'.

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A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.

The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of ass". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend who lives in Michigan just had his toilet stolen.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

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Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

I just found out why people are buying so much toilet paper.

An asteroid might hit earth in 2020. Paper beats rock.

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What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

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Being a baby in a nappy was awesome, when I had to go to the toilet, I just went.

Never had to worry about that shit

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You thought the Toilet Roll Rampage was bad......

Just wait until 26 million women all try to book a hairdressers appointment at the same fucking time

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

I brought my lady friend some toilet paper yesterday.

It's clear she finally found her Prince Charmin.

Toilet paper shortages causing some communities to resort to using lettuce

When asked about the extant crisis, Dr. Asterac simply stated:

"This morning was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaine's to be seen."

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I ejaculated 13ft from my bed to my toilet bowl thinking about my first crush earlier.

I thought to myself, 'if only my younger self could see how far I've cum'

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There are literally no available toilets in Motown.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?

B'day mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I learned to tie rope on the toilet

I shit you knot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who buys all the toilet paper in the supermarket?

A wanker. Why else would they need all of that?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet,

I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hoarding toilet paper is a good sign.

It shows people's confidence that there will be food.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a lobster with four packs of toilet paper?

A shellfish bastard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”...

Ass King for a friend...

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I'm surprised stores are out of toilet paper and not laundry detergent..

The whole world has been shitting themselves for weeks..

A random quote written in gents toilet

You future is in your hand

.

..

Imagine the quote written in ladies toilet

.

.

Do not play with your future....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have uncovered the human psychology behind all this toilet paper hoarding...

That’s just how we roll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bear and a Rabbit talking about the toilet paper shortage,...

The bear says, "It sucks being out of toilet paper. Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says, "No, not really."

The bear says, "Thanks", and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

My work replaced our regular toilet paper with single ply. Everybody hates it...

...Its really tearable.

.

.

part credit to Amb_33 (thanks).

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