The toilet was stolen from the police station.

The cops have nothing to go on.

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I bought a new toilet brush last week

It is too coarse. I am going back to using toilet paper.

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Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

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The power suddenly went out and got dark while I was on the toilet

I couldn't see shit.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

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I went to a public toilet and found it was empty

I went into a booth and sat down on the seat. Just then I heard someone come in and get into the booth next to me. I coughed to let them know I was in the booth next to him. He said "Hello". I was surprised but didn't say anything. He said Hello again. This time I said "hey." He asked "how are you?"...

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What Does The USS Enterprise And A Roll Of Toilet Paper Have In Common?

They both hang around Uranus looking for Klingons!

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I saw a toilet in my dream and peed in my bed

Now I am pissed

Solid gold toilet.

I walked in on a man using a solid gold toilet.

"How many karats is that, sir?"

"None, but there is a lot of corn."

Why did the toilet paper stop in the middle of the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack.

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One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

What sits in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?

The captains Log.

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I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…

Scared the shit outta me.

This weirdo in the bathroom tried talking to me while I was on the toilet.

Just because the stall door is open doesn’t mean I’m here to chat. Jeez, have some boundaries dude.

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper..

But it wouldn't take shit from anybody

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Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screami...

Did you hear about the case of the missing toilet?

It's still unsolved because the police have nothing to go on.

I ran out of toilet paper so I started using old newspapers

The Times are rough

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Golden toilet

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home.
''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replie...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

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It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.

Given the number of assholes in the country.

I came up with this on the toilet.

My cat is fat, and I want it to lose weight.

My plan is that I'll let it use my running machine, but three weeks later, my cat is still fat.

I guess it didn't work out.

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The Australian figured out the button on the toilet did, it was not going to be a g'day

In fact, it was the start of a bidet

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

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Technology is getting more and more invasive in our lives. Today my smart watch sent me a notification tell me to stand, while I was on the toilet.

And I just thought: “I don’t need to stand for this shit!”

If you’re an Australian before you walk into the toilet, and an American when you leave. What are you when you’re in there?

Eur’a’peen.

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed!

What do you call a droid that uses the toilet

R2-peepoo

When using the Queens toilet at Buckingham Palace, it's only ever proper manners.....

To do a curtsy flush

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Why did the chicken go to the toilet?

Because that's where the cocks hang out.

"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"

"No.."
"Hey, everybody! I found the guy!"

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

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I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

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I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet

It was a shampoo.

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Life is like a toilet paper

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone

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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

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[OC] I came up with it on the toilet

My personal trainer told me eat healthy like he does. I eat healthy, but not like him. He eats super clean and that is hard for me. I asked him what would be the benefit for me? He said he eats so clean he doesn’t even have to poop anymore.

I think he’s full of crap.

I wanna teach everyone here how to sit on a toilet.

But first...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

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I've designed the perfect toilet, but I'm struggling to find testers.

No one gives a shit.

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Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the toilet?

Cause they’re fucking extinct

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Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

Guess what I got my toilet for birthday?

A Urinal cake.

My wife keeps telling me to put down the toilet seat.

I don't know, though. It's never done anything nasty to me.

Don't believe everything you read in public toilets

Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call

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What would toilet paper say if it had a voice?

I'm not taking this shit from you anymore!

A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of illegal weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he’s found anything incriminating yet.

He replies hastily.. “Well, possibly something biological and I don’t see any missiles but.. I C BMs.”

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was

He said “Aisle B, back.”

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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I prefer to clean my glasses with toilet paper...

I get more shit off them that way.


I’ll see myself out.

Why did the toilet roll go to rehab?

Addicted to crack.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet?

It would start Clogging up

If Apple made a toilet, it would be very encouraging!

The iCan helps get your business done, and respects your privacy!

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I was sitting on a public toilet when I heard a Voice from the next cubicle.

"Excuse me, did you by any chance have circumsion from Doctor Smith?"

Surprised, i replied "Why yes but how could you possibly have known?"

"He always cuts on a slant. You're peeing on my shoe."

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

We were so poor that all we had for toilet paper was a calendar...



Now those days are behind me.

I’m stuck on the toilet.

Call the Squat Team.

What do you call a toilet that washes your down under?

Bidet Mate!

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I got one of those fancy butt sprayers for my toilet, but it never works at night...

I guess I can only use it bidet.

I ran out of toilet paper

and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper

My girlfriend came up with this one and wanted me to share with you guys. What do you call heavens toilet?

Halle-LOO-yah

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

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Did you hear about the guy whose watch fell in the toilet?

He had a shitty time.

What trees do they use to make toilet paper?

Toiletries

Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."

So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"

The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"

Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."

Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.

I couldnt find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"

She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."

Imagine my embarrassment...

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A man enters a public toilet and sees a priest taking a piss.

The man walks up to the urinal to relieve himself and notices that the priest has a nicotine patch on his cock.

"Why do you have a nicotine patch on your cock, father?" asks the man.

"Ah, these things are grand. Since I've been on them, I'm down to two butts a day."

Dear Wal-mart automatic toilets,

I wanted to look at that.

Sincerely,
Me.

They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons:

Number one, and, of course, number two.

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Tried to go toilet shopping on Good Friday

solid waste of my time.

I wrote a song about "sitting on the toilet for a pee, but while I'm here, I might as well have a poo"

It got to number two.

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

What did the toilet say to the other?

"You feeling ok? You look flushed.."

Can't take credit for it. Just heard it on last man standing and was surprised how loud i chuckled.

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it’s a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...

So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let’s call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind ...

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

Someone broke into my house and stole my toilet.

Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.

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How to cure Snoring (Dog & Husband version)

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snori...

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A white guy at a public toilet....

A 34 year old white man goes to a public toilet to piss. As he is about to do his business, he sees a beam next to him but no person. He looks around and sees a black man with an enormously large penis that is about 20 cm behind him. The white man shyly addresses the black man: "Is it really true wh...

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I really want to become best friends with someone who pees on toilet seats

So one day they will invite me over and I can piss all over their toilet seats.

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Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

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My wife told me to stop smoking weed on the toilet.

I just do it for the shits and giggles.

What is it called when a person pretends to use the toilet.

A sham poo.

What did a constipated Moses demand while on the toilet?

"Let my fecal go!"

A friend asked me if I felt especially blessed to have the privilege of cleaning out Catwoman's toilet...

"Halle loo, yeah!"

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

Two students, both 5 year old kids are peeing inside the male toilet.

Boy 1: Hey, what's wrong with your pee-pee?

Boy 2: What do you mean?

Boy 1: It doesn't look like mine, why is there no skin thingy?

Boy 2: Oh, i was circumcised when i was 2 days old. The doctor removed the skin.

Boy 1: (Grimacing) Oww, was it painful?

Boy 2: Painf...

A doctor's toilet gets clogged up

He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.

Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!

Plum...

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

Do you know the difference between a toilet and a pan?

If you clicked to see the answer don’t ever ask me to eat at your place.

What happens when the king uses a toilet?

He gives it a royal flush

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Pirate with two wooden legs hobbles into an inn.

He sits at the bar downing ale after ale for an hour, eventually nature takes it's course and he asks the bar wench where the toilet is. She points the way but urges him to have some help as it is dark and slippery in there. The pirate obnoxiously berates her saying he can handle a ship at sea, he c...

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

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I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

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Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. One turns to the other and says, “Your dinky doesn’t have any skin on it.” “That’s because I’ve been circumcised,” he replies. “Cor! What does that mean?”
“It means the skin’s been cut off the end.” “How old were you when they did tha...

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I emptied a bottle of leftover hair-dye down the toilet.

Shit got dark pretty fast.

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You know, I never really trusted my toilet.

He is just so frequently full of shit.

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I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work.

I was thinking, " I don't have time for this shit!".

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.   “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  

“Actually, no,” ...

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I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean

He said “no shit”

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

A wise man once said, "One who stands on toilet...

is high on Pot."

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Two turds are talking in the toilet...

The first turd says “hey, how are you feeling today?” The second turd says “pretty shitty, turd left his turd friends” The first turd looks at the other turd confused and says “why did you talk about yourself like that?” The second turd responds “what in the turd person?”

Three ants take shelter from the rain in somebodies bathroom.

The first ant says, “ I’m going to sleep in the sink”
The second ant says, “ I’ll sleep in the tub”
The third ant says, “ I’ll get the best sleep of all and sleep in the toilet!”

The next morning, the three ants wake up.
The first ant says, “ I slept great last night!”
The second...

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You know if you Poo on the toilet at 11:59 pm...

then at 12:01 am, its just the same shit , different day.....

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet.

These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

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I was at the toilet at 11:59 p.m. yesterday, and the clock struck midnight.

I thought, “Same shit. Different year.”

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

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I made a huge breakthrough in toilet paper technology this morning

So now I have to wash the crap off my fingers

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand...

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