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Toilet Jokes

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Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender ...

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know."

Son: "So it was you."

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.

His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.

What's worse than a cold toilet seat?

A warm one.

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Why does Chuck Norris never have to flush the toilet?

He just scares the shit out of it.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

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Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

Apparently you can get STDs from toilet seats

But only if you sit down before the other guy gets up

My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not quite sure why I started carrying it around with me.

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Being alone in the toilet

Should remind you that you're always alone when shit goes down!

Toilet paper...

Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper, I'd like to shake his hand.

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News story reminds me of old JFK "golden toilet" joke

Read in the news that thieves had been charged with stealing a $6 million gold toilet and it reminded me of this "classic."

For some reason one of the characters in this joke when it was told to me was JFK. The accent maybe made it more humorous.

JFK is on a talk show telling the story...

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Two flies are arguing on a toilet seat when...

One gets pissed off!

(sorry!)

I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

No! I don't want to buy a toilet brush.

I’ve never owned a toilet brush, all my friends who come over have gone to the bathroom and come out asking about owning a toilet brush. I’m just baffled why people use and care about toilet brushes.

One day I brought my date over for dinner and at the end of the night after she went to the b...

Two reasons I don't drink toilet water.

No.1
No.2

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Toilet Paper Miracle

Just found this joke in a pile of my late father’s belongings…

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
su...

Breaking News: There was a break in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen.

The police have nothing to go on.

A sign in male toilet:

# Dear Gentlemen! Don't flatter yourself, step closer.

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

Why did the toilet have to contact HR?

Because it was forced to relive multiple employees of their duties

Success is like toilet paper;

it only seems important when you don’t have it.

What does a non-binary person do on the toilet?

They/She/It

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Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screami...

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

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The Golden Toilet

A man goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet. He walks into d...

Confucius says, man who stand on toilet

High on pot

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I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

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A man goes to a new store to get some toilet paper

He approaches the clerk and asks are there any brands he recommends.

"Why yes sir! I make all my own products and we've something to suit everybody. This one I call Bob Ross"

"Why have you named it that?"

"Cos it's so gentle your ass will feel so relaxed and nice afterwards sir...

Toilet brush

So yesterday I went to buy a toilet brush. I’m going back to toilet paper. I don’t see how people do it.

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The woodland animals built themselves a public toilet.

All went well for the first couple of weeks, then one morning as the toilet committee were inspecting the toilet, they found that one of the windows was smashed. They asked all the animals what had happened, and the rabbit said, "Last night the bear was taking a shit, and the toilet was out of paper...

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Just realised the cost of my toilet paper has tripled in the last 3-4 years

Shit is getting expensive

What happens when the King leaves the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

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I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

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Golden toilet

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home.
''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replie...

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

I hate it when my finger rips through the toilet paper while wiping.

It was at this point I quit my job at the nursing home.

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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

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What does a waiter and a toilet have in common?

They can effectively only serve one asshole at a time

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilet seats.

Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

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If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

Never play poker with a toilet

They get too many flushes

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Did you hear they're recalling Chuck Norris' new toilet paper?

Apparently, it's rough, tough, and doesn't take crap off anybody.

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What does the star ship enterprise have in common with toilet paper?

They both chase Klingons around Uranus!

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Bad breakups are like a successful visit to the toilet.

You look back and think “What a piece of shit!”

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

I suspect that my son has been flushing his blunts down the toilet.

No wonder my water bill is so high.

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Two skidmarks are stuck to the side of the toilet bowl.

One asks the other, how long are you planning on sticking around?

Other one says.. I dunno, just until I get pissed off.

I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles

So I have signed a partition

A blonde accidentally drops 20$ down the toilet

She asks her boyfriend to grab it for her and he says:

"Y'know, honey, 20$ isn't really worth putting my hand on the toilet."

"Would 70$ be worth it?"

"70$? Yeah, I suppose."

The blonde drops 50$ down the toilet.

I was in the public toilets....

... and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “So what are you up to?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”. From next door, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, “rather busy right now”. The voi...

Toilet jokes aren't my favourite kind of humour

But they're a solid number 2...

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This afternoon at work I had to go to toilet really bad...

...but all the stalls were occupied, so I ran upstairs to that bathroom but they were all occupied, too. I ran back down to my floor, then the floor below -- all occupied.

My co-workers are all full of shit today.

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We...

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Did you see the toilet Picasso designed?

It was a masterpiss.

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

What did Spock find in the toilet?

The Captain's Log.

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A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet

They both take a piss into the urinal. As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.



The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"



to which the navy man replies: "In ...

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A man calls the police, upset that his house has been broken into, and his toilet used.

The owner says that nothing has been stolen, and the police officer finds no signs of forced entry. "Why exactly did you call the police?" he asks.

The owner takes the officer into the bathroom and shows him the toilet bowl. "What do you see?" he asks. "A turd," says the officer.

"Exac...

Why did Karl Marx’s toilet play music?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern

What do you call a toilet at the Playboy Mansion?

A jackpot

What do to call an army man living on a toilet

A loo tenant

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

I got some sudoku toilet paper.

Sadly I can't complete it, since I can only fill it with 1's and 2's.

What do IT specialists refer to as the toilet?

The IP(ee) Address

Two diplomats - an english and a russian - walk into a toilet.

They pee into urinals.

After they've done it, the english diplomat washes his hands - the russian one, however, doesn't.

- We, in the Royal University of Diplomacy, were told to wash our hands after we pee, - says the englishman.

- And we, - the russian responds, - in the Univer...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

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I went to a public toilet and found it was empty

I went into a booth and sat down on the seat. Just then I heard someone come in and get into the booth next to me. I coughed to let them know I was in the booth next to him. He said "Hello". I was surprised but didn't say anything. He said Hello again. This time I said "hey." He asked "how are you?"...

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk fo...

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I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight....

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"

I got slapped with a public indecency charge for using the toilet :/

Apparently the ones at IKEA are “for display only”

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It was a broken toilet by night...

And a butt washer bidet.

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it’s a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...

So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let’s call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind ...

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In my house it is a rule to always put the toilet seat lid DOWN!

We're always dropping shit in there.

There was a wooden shoe in my toilet.

It was clogged. I think it was sabot-age.

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It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.

Given the number of assholes in the country.

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From the first time I used it, I knew I'd bought the right toilet

It was love at first shite

Did you hear about the time Morrissey went to the costume party with a date dressed up as a toilet paper mummy?

He introduced him as 'This Charmin Man'.

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A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half a...

What brand of toilet paper do Australians use?

Any brand they can get down under.

Due to rising costs, I stopped using toilet paper. Instead, I'm using newspaper now

Man, The Times are rough.

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What's the difference between a rookie truck driver and a toilet?

A toilet can sometimes back up without hitting shit.

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Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

I've got a high tech toilet that's connected to the Wi-Fi and I just received a notification.

There was an unexpected log in...

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

I had a major breakthrough while on the toilet at work today.

Really wish they'd buy thicker TP.

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

Toilet training

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy…

He pushes up the seat and balances his little pen!s on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping ...

How does an Australian toilet greet you?

Bidet, mate!!

what’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

ohhh….so YOU’RE the one!

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I'm switching back to paper...

What makes Miley Cyrus’ toilet so special?

It’s a potty in the USA

Have you heard the Jimmy Dean song about the huge, uninviting toilet?

It's called "Big Bad John."

How many teenagers does it take to change a toilet paper roll?

Who knows; it's never happened.

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A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a pumpgun

She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the bugshot shards could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.

Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.
...

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One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

I was cleaning the toilet with my brother

He's still mad at me for not using a brush instead

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

I’m making a comic book about a superhero toilet.

Billionaire bidet, crime fighter by night.

What’s worse than having diarrhea and a clogged toilet?

Nothing, please someone help me out

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Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before.

So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this:

So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the control...

Solid gold toilet.

I walked in on a man using a solid gold toilet.

"How many karats is that, sir?"

"None, but there is a lot of corn."

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What happened to the angry fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off.

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So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

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I saw a toilet in my dream and peed in my bed

Now I am pissed

Did you hear about the guy who escaped being a toilet slave?

He got away scat-free.

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was

He said “Aisle B, back.”

It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.

2p or not to pee, that is the question.

A doctor's toilet gets clogged up

He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.

Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!

Plum...

As part of my path to enlightenment, I buy my toilet paper from the dollar store.

It helps me get in touch with my inner self.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

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When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet

It's some next level shit

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People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes

damn, i always mix up their and they're

Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again

I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighbourhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.

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I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two stalls. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my pants and sat down. A voice came from the stall next to me: "Hello there! How are you doing?" I thought t...

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.

1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father no...

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