Why does KFC not have any toilet paper in their rest rooms?

Everything is finger licking good.

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I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

What did a women’s toilet seat say to a men’s toilet seat?

”Urinal lot of trouble, mister.”

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Whenever you’re sitting on the toilet all alone in silence, do you ever think something is crawling up the pipes into the toilet bowl and then is going to suddenly slither up into your butthole?

Well, you will now. You’re welcome!

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Life is like toilet paper...

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

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What did Jesus drop in his toilet?

Holy shit!!!

I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...

I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

Why are there no toilets in some banks?

Because they don't accept such deposits.

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There are 2 types of men who sit on the toilet when they go to the bathroom.

Those who go to sit and think and those who go to shit and stink.

Where do suicide bombers go after they die?


Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack...!

What did Spock find in Captain Kirk's toilet?

Captain's Log

What do you called an igloo without a toilet?

An ig.

The toilets at the local police station have been stolen.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice guy

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

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I have an extreme hatred for toilets.

Whenever I need to use one, I lose my shit.

My wife clogged up the toilet last night

I knew i should have cut her into smaller pieces.

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What is the difference between a toilet bowl and a waiter?

The toilet bowl serves only one asshole at a time.


And yes, I know it is the joke number 9723442 in the list. However, after eating tonight very good food in a proper Italian restaurant next to a family group that would probably be excellent in performing the duelling banjos, I just ...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those who are inside are desperate to come out.

”Do we need more toilet paper?”

“I don’t know, but if you buy some it wouldn’t go to waste.”

Well, technically it would.”

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What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons. Snarf.

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Why doesn’t chuck Norris flush the toilet?

He scares the shit out of it.

What happens when you use a pay toilet in France?


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3 Roaches are having a race around a toilet bowl

The first roach finishes with hardly breaking a sweat in about 5 minutes.

The second roach crosses the finish five minutes after that and is starting to sweat.

The third roach comes in fifteen minutes after him completely soaked and visibly mad.

The first two roaches ask "What ...

There was a robbery at the police station. They stole a bunch of toilet seats.

Unfortunately, they don't have anything to go on.

What is the difference between good and bad toilet paper?

One is terrible the other is tearable.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?

Because they’re extinct dumbass

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Today i went to toilet to poop but i forgot my cellphone.

I had to use toilet paper this time.

If you are Australian when you go into the toilet and you are Australian when you come out of the toilet. What are you while you are in the toilet?


There are two reasons I don't drink from the toilet:

Number 1, and number 2.

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Friends are like toilets

They both put up with your shit.

Did you know you actually can get an STD from a toilet seat?

It can happen if you sit down before the guy before you gets up

What is it called when a musician has to use the toilet for the fourth time in a day?

The fourth movement.

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I was on the toilet at 11:59 and then the clock struck midnight.

Same shit, different day.

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What did the toilet say to the poop ?

Nothing, it was just flushed with embarrassment

Ever wondered why there's no metal-made toilets?

Ask George R.R. Martin.

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper

I've always been told, life is like a roll of toilet paper

The closer you get to the end, the faster it seems to go

How do you cope with a broken toilet seat?

You just have to make doo.

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Me and my toilet have a really good relationship

I guess its because we've been through a lot of shit together

Where do network engineers go to use the toilet?

At their IP address.

Why did the Chinese man bring a toilet to a busy intersection in Manhattan?

Because a tank in the Square helps clear the crowd.

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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bathroom

The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In England, we always do our job extremely thoroughly"

The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inc...

Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat

An aerial view of a toilet lid.

A group of thieves have been going around stealing all the toilets in town

Local authorities say they have nothing to go on

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I wrote a rhyme when i was heartbroken in the toilet

“Here i sit broken hearted, i tried to shit but i just farted.”

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

A roll of toilet paper walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Man, you look awful! What’s up?”
The toilet paper says, “Nothing, really. I’m just wiped.”

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Sometimes I sit and laugh in the toilet for hours...

Just for the shits and giggles.

Having both a shower and toilet is a waste

Why have both when I can easily drink from the toilet?

Little Johnny: 'mum, I need to go to the toilet,'

Mum: 'ok hang on....I'll help you in a minute'

Johnny: 'i want grandpa to take me, his hand shakes'

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Getting an AMBER Alert while on the toilet is like winning the lottery...

Since those things are designed to randomly scare the shit out of you.

Don't put your wooden shoes in the toilet

It clogs

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

If a round of musical chairs were played using toilet bowls instead of chairs...

would it be Game of Thrones?

Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for climbing a ladder that was balanced on top of his toilet?

It turns out that in his state, it is still illegal to get high on pot.

Polish public toilets were useless during the war

They were always occupied

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If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

A Man goes into a public toilet cubicle

In the cubicle next to him, another dude says: "Hey bro"
The man next to him, unsure, says: "Ummm... Hi?"
The dude says: "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to the toilet... just like you."
"Hold on imma call you back there's this weirdo in the cubicle next to me who's responding to everyth...

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I can’t stop making horrible toilet paper jokes.

I guess I’m just on a roll.

Sorry for the shitty joke.

I always thought I would discover my inner self through Eastern philosophy

Not through a piece of single-ply toilet paper.

Do you know the difference between a bachelor and a toilet?

A bachelor is single, you see, and a toilet is WC.

I was taking a dump and suddenly got stuck in the toilet and couldn't get out.

That was the worst experience I ever had at a Home Depot.

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Whenever I'm sitting on the toilet and it's taking a while, I always tell myself

Hurry up, I got other shit to get done

Went to the store and got me a toilet brush.

Been a couple days now, I think I am going back to toilet paper.

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

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My wife asked me to clean the toilet bowl

So i drank a 6 pack of tall boys in a half an hour. Sure as shit, 20 minutes later i powerwashed that bowl on full blast.

Who do you buy an owl toilet seat for?

A wise ass

What do you call Michael Jackson on the toilet?

The King of Plop.

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

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(NSFW) Sex and feelings

A man was brought before a Judge and was charged with NECROPHILIA.(having sex with a dead person). The Judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"...

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My friend says being an entrepreneur on the toilet has brought him the most success

I guess that shit makes cents

Why did Piglet open the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh

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I browse TikTok daily but only on the toilet...

Because I don’t want the shit on my phone to get lonely

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Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in the Soviet Union?

Because they wanted to make every asshole Red.

A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper.

He calls over to the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”

“No,” replies the man.

“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.

“Nope,” the second man replies.

After a moment of silence, the fir...

Restaurant toilets are so dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

A plumber told me an interesting thing, the best call he ever went to was when some kid had dropped a pear down the toilet.

He said it was the easiest call he'd ever been to, all he had to do was flush the toilet, and it cleared the block.

Because a flush beats a pear every time.

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A captain calls his assistant, "I've got a job for you but first, go to the toilet and jerk off."

The assistant did so and reported back to the captain.
Captain said, "Good. How do you feel?"
Assistant said, "I feel great sir".
Captain said," Good. Now, go back to the toilet and jerk off once more."
Assistant did so, this time a bit tired, reported back to the captain.


I got in touch with my inner self today.

That’s the very last time I’m using single ply toilet paper

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I wash my hands before I go to the toilet

I like to keep my shit clean

I got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet

I call it my diarrhea

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Toilets, they take the piss . . .

Then again, I do give them shit

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After buzzing about in a public toilet, how long will a fly generally stay sat on a urinal?

Until it gets pissed off.

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What did the rectum say to the toilet?

There goes all my hard work, down the drain.

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Why are toilets made out of porcelain and not gold?

What, you think your shit deserves gold?

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a w...

I recently went to a music festival and urinated in these futuristic "pod" toilets a couple of times.

I had like two pees in a pod.

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What did the toilet tell the annoying toilet?

Shit up and piss off.

What did Ludacris say when he used up the last of the toilet paper?


Golden Toilet

Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-ag...

What's the difference between a face and a toilet?

You know who else doesn't know the answer? R. Kelly!

What did the Australian toilet say?

Bidet mate!

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Why did the woman bring toilet paper tot he gala?

She was a party pooper!

Told by my 7 year-old

I met a guy who works at a toilet paper company

He was quite charmin, I must say.

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How do you know if a toilet is lying to you?

Look inside and see if it's full of shit.

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I just went to the toilet and took a huge dump...

I think I lost like one-turd of my weight.

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Why do the toilets at the border only have pissoirs?

Because they are duty free.

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Elevators with toilets.

Isn't that taking shit to another level ?

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On Top of The Toilet - The_Merciless_Potato

A crappy feeling's comin' over me

There is defecation in 'most everything I see

Not a toilet in sight, ate a taco and some fries

And I won't be surprised if it's a stream

Every worst food-combo in the world

Is now coming true especially inside me


So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

Third magic trick now perfected.. transforming myself into toilet paper.

I'm on a roll!

A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to go to the toilet

The cowboy gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, he smashes the floor with his foot three times. Everybody stops making noise and look at him attentively.

"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right o...

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Cheap toilet paper is like a good cowboy

It’s rough, tough, leaves a mark, and doesn’t take shit from anybody

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