A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.


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So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

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Shower thoughts are just toilet thoughts

butt cleaner

What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?

B'day mate.

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

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So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet

He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"

I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

I have a 24 pack of Aldi toilet rolls

Looking to swap for a 4 bedroom house

What will people use when they run out of toilet paper because of the panic buying?


Why doesn’t KFC have toilet paper?

Because it’s finger licking good.

I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper

If you ever see a toilet in your dreams...

...don't use it !

Who is the boss of toilet paper

Pablo Asscobar

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Makes perfect sense to me that everyone is panic buying toilet roll because of the Coronavirus...

One sneeze and everyone shits themselves!

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What does the Anti-Vax community and a clogged toilet have in common?

Both will leave you waist deep in shit if you tend to ignore them.

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Remind me to tell you the crazy story about the last time I flushed a toilet.

Shit went down.

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So many people are stockpiling toilet paper because of the Coronavirus

They must be shitting themselves

We're having a Toilet Paper epidemic

They all seem to be addicted to crack

I want to find the person who stole my toilet

but I have nothing to go on.

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For people in Australia who run out of toilet paper right now

it is a really shitty situation

What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

You don't know?

So it was you!!!!

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Got my girlfriend a toilet for Valentine’s Day

Didn’t want to deal with her shit anymore.

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house...

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How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone

There are two reasons not to drink toilet water

\#1 and #2.

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Which one of you isn't flushing the school toilet?

I'm tired of your shit

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How is the starship Enterprise like toilet paper?

It cruises Uranus, and wipes out Klingons.

Why can’t you hear pterodactyls when they use the toilet?

Because they’re extinct

A blonde woman left a 20$ bill fall in a toilet

She asks for her boyfriend to take it out, he thinks for a second, and explains:

"Baby, I don't think 20$ are worthy of putting my hand in the toilet."

Then the blonde throws a 50$ bill in the toilet and says:

"But I'm pretty sure 70$ are."

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I took a dump in the bushes because the only toilet available was charging $0.10 to enter

I ain't paying for that shit

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Toilet chains.

They’re just taking the piss really

What do you call a soldier who lives in a toilet?

A loo tenant

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- Would you believe me? Tom is so rich that he has a golden toilet in his house!

– No way! You have to be kidding me!

– Last weekend he had a house party, and I was there. I was really surprised when I saw his toilet!

– I don't believe you. Let's visit him.

The two friends go to Tom's house. The first one knocks on a door and he is welcomed by Tom's wife, wh...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

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What’s the difference between Charmin Toilet Paper and the Starship Enterprise?

Nothing. They both circle around Uranus in search of Clingons

A blond gets a toilet brush for her birthday

Her friend asks if it's any good, and the blond girl replies

"Yeah, I think it's Allright, but I prefer toilet paper"

A plumber was called in to fix a leaky pipe in the library toilet.

As he worked, he made too much noise, and so the librarian asked him to pipe down.

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."

That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

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I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, annoyed, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

A man won $100 million dollars in the lottery. Realizing he could buy whatever he wanted, he switched to gold toilet paper and secured a generous supply of daily burrittos

In a single year, his entire winnings were wiped out.

What did the poker player do with the last piece of toilet paper?


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What did the man say when he was sitting on the toilet at midnight?

"Same shit, different day."

Toilet brush

A man moves out of his mother’s house and buys a new home, he gets the house decorated he buys a toilet so his mother says she will buy him a toilet brush he uses the toilet brush for 1 week at the end of the week he gives the toilet brush back to his mother and says he’ll stick to toilet roll.

What do you say to someone when they walk in on you while you’re on your gold-plated toilet?

Welcome to my humble commode.

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A bunch of toilets walk into a bar,

and then shit got wild

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I read a sign in a bathroom stall that said, “Do not flush foreign bodies. Toilet paper only.”

Beneath it someone had written, “No shit?”

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The ground floor toilets were out of order. So I had to use the ones on the floor above.

That was some next level shit

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What do you find on a FBI toilet?

Secret shit

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

Why was the toilet disappointed in his new TV?

It was only 720pee.

Toilet humour is not my favourite kind of joke

But it's a solid number two.

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If you've not been to the toilet since midnight, you probably should.

You really should let go of last year's shit.

PSA - Don't believe everything you read in Public toilets.

Sharon is not up for a good time....boy what an awkward phone call that was.

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Guys, do you want to know the secret to never pissing on the toilet seat?

Urine luck.

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A Roman man finishes his toilet prototype. His wife asks, "Does it work?"

The man replies, "I have no idea, it's a crap chute."

Greg wants to show his friend Max the golden toilet in the house he cleans in.

Greg cleans a big luxury house every week, the owner of the house is Mustafa. In the house the owner has a golden toilet and Greg thought it looked really luxurious and decided to show it to his friend Max. One day they go over to the house and ring the doorbell. Mustafa's wife comes to the door and...

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

What did the Urine say when it beat the poo to the toilet?

"I'm number 1, I'm number 1!"

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

I really need to buy a new toilet bowl ...

The one I have is full

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What did the toilet say after Jesus Christ was done using it?

Holy crap!

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Can we just take a moment to appreciate toilets?

They take a lot of shit from us and they're still there for us.

Faucet manufacturer Pfister is expanding their business with a line of high tech toilets

The p is silent.

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:


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My butt fell asleep while I was browsing Disney+ on the toilet.

I ended up watching sleeping booty.

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I'm so mean, I don't even have to flush the toilet!

I scare the shit out of it!

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What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet?

A toilet is only expected to deal with one asshole at a time.

I found a nice and clean public toilet

Unfortunately, it had a sign saying 'Please leave this toilet as you would expect to find it', so I had to shove a load of paper down the bowl and break the door lock.

What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl?

If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

Today is international men's day AND world toilet day.

I'm celebrating both by leaving the toilet seat up.

If you're Asian when you go into the toilet, and you're Asian when you leave the toilet, what are you when you were in the toilet?


My friend dropped a pear into the toilet bowl

Friend: I’ll just flush it down, I’m too lazy to take it out and wash it along with my hands

Me: How do you know it’ll fit go down without getting stuck?

Friend: Don’t you know? A flush always beats a pear!

I had to buy a new toilet seat yesterday.

There was a crack in it every time I sat down.

The Outdoor Toilet

A young man wanted to invite his girlfriend to their farm but was embarrassed by the old-fashioned outdoor toilet.

He kept bickering his dad for a modern, indoor one, but the old-timer didn't want to give in.

Out of sheer desperation, he slips out one night, puts a lot of dynamite be...

I always thought I hated sitting on cold toilet seats

Until I sat on a warm one

Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet?

It wasn't his duty.

(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)

I actually really like single ply toilet paper...

It helps me stay in touch with my inner self.

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I’m taking a dump in the Vatican toilets.

I guess that counts as a holy shit.

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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Chuck Norris does not flush the toilet

Hes just scares the shit out of it.

Why did Spock look into Kirk's toilet?

He wanted to see the Captains log.

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Two plumbers were working on a toilet

Plumber 1: This toilet is empty

Plumber 2: No shit

$5 million solid gold toilet stolen in Blenheim Palace heist

Police have nothing to go on.

Why did the toilet roll go down the hill?

Because it wanted to get to the bottom.

Toilet paper is nearly worthless, but you know what is even more worthless?

My high school diploma.

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I was so desperate for the toilet earlier while I was driving, that I pulled up to the side of the road for a piss.

Majorly annoyed my examiner.

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