Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons:

Number 1 and Number 2

To the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper....

I wanna shake your hand.

Just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket

I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage

Why is Karl Marx's toilet so noisy?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.

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What did Donald Trump say, when he went to the toilet?

I have to flush some classified bullshit

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How is life like toilet paper ?

>!You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone!<

What's the best thing about playing Wordle on the toilet?

You can eliminate vowels and your bowels at the same time.

The toilet was stolen from a local police station

Detectives had nothing to go on..

Did you hear about the bloke who drank a bottle of toilet cleaner?

He went clean round the s-bend.

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

I've never owned a toilet brush.So when I got married my wife got me one.

Tbh i still prefer toilet paper

I was out camping recently when I found out that I had run out of toilet roll…

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

Why did the boy put his hands in the toilet?

Because it was his duty.

(Likely accidental courtesy of my 4 yr old daughter).

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Did you know that Sean Connery wrote an entire book on the toilet?

Aye, he wrote it in one shitting

Confucius says, man who stand on toilet

High on pot

There is new innovation for single ply toilet paper

It features breakthrough technology

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Did you hear about what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off!

I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles

So I have signed a partition

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What do anniversaries, toilet bowls and clitorises have in common?

Some men miss all three.

Dad: What's the difference between a toilet and a piano?

Son: I don't know.

Dad: Glad we don't have a piano.

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A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half a...

So I was pinching one at a highway restaurant toilet

There I sat, reading a magazine, minding my own business. A couple of minutes later comes this other dude and enters the next cubicle. I stay silent, hearing him unzip, taking his pants off, shuffling around, sitting down and starting his thing.

A minute later, I hear him say "Hey, what's up?...

Toilet training

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy…

He pushes up the seat and balances his little pen!s on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping ...

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot three times in her stomach

Miraculously, she and all three babies survive.


One of her daughters runs into her room one day and says “mommy mommy! I was going to the toilet and a bullet came out!” The mother sighed and told her the story of how she got shot and survived.

In came her other daughter “mommy momm...

Why did the Toilet Paper trip on the door mat?

It ran out.



Courtesy of my six year old nephew !!!

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order.

So, I just held it for 20 minutes.

The woman opposite me stared at me in disgust and said, "is that shit in your hand?"

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Stuart is having a beer at a bar when he feels the sudden urge to shit. He goes to the bathroom sits down on the pot when the guy in the toilet next to him says, "hey," through the dividing wall. A bit apprehensive, Stuart says, "Hello?"

The guys asks, "how's it going" to which Stuart responds, "I'm sorry, do I know you?" The guy now responds in an annoyed tone, "dude let me call you back, the schmuck in the stall next to me thinks we're having a conversation."

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

A girl was cleaning the toilet with her younger brother.

Then their mom walked in and yelled, "Get his head out of there!"

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What do toilet paper and The Starship Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

What do you call musical chairs with toilets?

Game of Thrones

Why does Drax avoid automatically flushing toilets?

They flush early when he stands still.

What did the toilet say to the shower?

"Stop crying... *I'm* the one eating it!"

Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again

I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighbourhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.

2 wives go on a girls night out

On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.

The first takes off her panties and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.

The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:

"No more g...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

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When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet

It's some next level shit

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack

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I just told my boss I'm fed up of working in a shit hole: the toilets are never cleaned, there's mould in the fridge, there's never any hot water and the place hasn't been hoovered once

Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home

I was trying to survive in the woods when I realized I ran out of toilet paper.

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grills’ book.

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I dropped my phone in the toilet yesterday

Now the call quality is shit

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In America we call it "restroom" but in Britain they call it "toilet"

It's the same shit though

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I saw a toilet in my dream and peed in my bed

Now I am pissed

I ran out of toilet paper so I started using old newspapers

The Times are rough

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Why can't you use the Daily Mail as toilet paper?

Because it's already covered in shit.

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I went to a public toilet and found it was empty

I went into a booth and sat down on the seat. Just then I heard someone come in and get into the booth next to me. I coughed to let them know I was in the booth next to him. He said "Hello". I was surprised but didn't say anything. He said Hello again. This time I said "hey." He asked "how are you?"...

Why are the majority of toilets white?

Because it’s the American Standard.

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice gentlemen.

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

During the pandemic I saw an old lady in the supermarket searching for toilet rolls on the empty shelves. I almost broke down, thinking about the horrific nature of humanity. I reached deep into my pocket, and there I found a toilet roll.

Then I wiped away my tears and walked off.

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Why is school toilet paper referred to as John Wayne?

Because it's rough, tough and won't take shit off anyone

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I bought a new toilet brush last week

It is too coarse. I am going back to using toilet paper.

I hate when i have too use the toilet really bad and i have to use the public toilets.

Like i don't want a reminder that i seriously need to clean my house.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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The power suddenly went out and got dark while I was on the toilet

I couldn't see shit.

Did you hear about the US Marine in Vietnam who was left behind while stuck on the toilet?

He was duty bound.

Today, I got in touch with my inner self...

I will never buy cheap toilet paper again

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Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screami...

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I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…

Scared the shit outta me.

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I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

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Golden toilet

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home.
''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replie...

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I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet

It was a shampoo.

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Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

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It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.

Given the number of assholes in the country.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay....

When I’m about to run out of toilet paper I always bring two new rolls to the bathroom

an heir and a spare for the throne!

Do you know the difference between Toilet paper and the shower curtain?

Answer: No

So you’re the one!!

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

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Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

Solid gold toilet.

I walked in on a man using a solid gold toilet.

"How many karats is that, sir?"

"None, but there is a lot of corn."

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One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

This weirdo in the bathroom tried talking to me while I was on the toilet.

Just because the stall door is open doesn’t mean I’m here to chat. Jeez, have some boundaries dude.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

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Technology is getting more and more invasive in our lives. Today my smart watch sent me a notification tell me to stand, while I was on the toilet.

And I just thought: “I don’t need to stand for this shit!”

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My Technology Is Better Than Yours

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my...

If you’re an Australian before you walk into the toilet, and an American when you leave. What are you when you’re in there?

Eur’a’peen.

Did you hear about the case of the missing toilet?

It's still unsolved because the police have nothing to go on.

What do you call a droid that uses the toilet

R2-peepoo

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

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Why did the chicken go to the toilet?

Because that's where the cocks hang out.

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The Australian figured out the button on the toilet did, it was not going to be a g'day

In fact, it was the start of a bidet

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My Ex-wife Wanted a b00b Job.

In an effort to save money, I told her that taking a few sheets of toilet tissue and rubbing it between her boobs twice a day would make her boobs grow. So my ex did this diligently for 3 months. Finally, after seeing no improvement, she came to me with a look of disappointment on her face. She aske...

A friend of mine is an aviation technician

He's Welsh, called Dai and repairs planes.
One day, he had to do a repair on a broken toilet seat.
It will forever be known as, "Loo seat in the sky which Dai mends"

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was

He said “Aisle B, back.”

A drunk man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in the confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies "No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either.”

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Diarrhea

Six year old boy stuck on the toilet with Diarrhea

He starts yelling for his mom to please bring him some Viagra

Mom asks her son why he thinks he needs Viagra

The boy says, "Well that's what you give dad when his shit don't get hard."

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[OC] I came up with it on the toilet

My personal trainer told me eat healthy like he does. I eat healthy, but not like him. He eats super clean and that is hard for me. I asked him what would be the benefit for me? He said he eats so clean he doesn’t even have to poop anymore.

I think he’s full of crap.

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I've designed the perfect toilet, but I'm struggling to find testers.

No one gives a shit.

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Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the toilet?

Cause they’re fucking extinct

I wanna teach everyone here how to sit on a toilet.

But first...

A programer walks into a bar

He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says th...

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

My wife keeps telling me to put down the toilet seat.

I don't know, though. It's never done anything nasty to me.

When using the Queens toilet at Buckingham Palace, it's only ever proper manners.....

To do a curtsy flush

Don't believe everything you read in public toilets

Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call

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A doctor, a nurse and an orderly go to the bathroom together

after they are finished the doctor goes to the sink and washes both her hands all the way to the elbow

the nurse goes to the sink and washes one hand very thoroughly

the orderly stands there and watches them.

As they are leaving, the doctor says with an air of indignation, "In m...

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Interspecies communication breakthrough!

I just sat on the toilet and realized my butt speaks fluent Humpback Whale!

How do you surprise a blind man?

You leave the plunger in the toilet.

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I got one of those fancy butt sprayers for my toilet, but it never works at night...

I guess I can only use it bidet.

We were so poor that all we had for toilet paper was a calendar...



Now those days are behind me.

A woman asked her husband for help around the house...

The toilet was leaking. "I'm not a plumber" he answered while reading the newspaper.

The dog was limping. "I'm not a veterinarian" he responded boredly, scrolling his phone.

The car oil needed changing. "I'm not a mechanic" he said playing his games.

"I'm not a maid, a painter, ...

If Apple made a toilet, it would be very encouraging!

The iCan helps get your business done, and respects your privacy!

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

Why did the toilet roll go to rehab?

Addicted to crack.

Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."

So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"

The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"

Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."

Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet?

It would start Clogging up

In tonight's news...

Seattle police were astonished to find that all the toilets in the central precinct had been stolen overnight.

When asked about suspects, the Chief stated that they have nothing to go on.

A man wins a neighborhood door prize.

it's a toilet brush, and a week later, some of the guys invited him him to their weekly poker game. While there, one of them asks, "Hey Ollie, how's that toilet brush, the one you won from us neighbors?" Ollie responds, "Well, it works real good, but I prefer toilet paper."

My girlfriend came up with this one and wanted me to share with you guys. What do you call heavens toilet?

Halle-LOO-yah

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