This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper

Polish public toilets were useless during the war

They were always occupied

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush his toilet.

He scares the shit out of it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like my women like I like my toilet paper

thick, soft and prepared to spend a lot of time around an asshole

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend says being an entrepreneur on the toilet has brought him the most success

I guess that shit makes cents

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can’t stop making horrible toilet paper jokes.

I guess I’m just on a roll.

Sorry for the shitty joke.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

Went to the store and got me a toilet brush.

Been a couple days now, I think I am going back to toilet paper.

Do you know the difference between a bachelor and a toilet?

A bachelor is single, you see, and a toilet is WC.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Toilets, they take the piss . . .

Then again, I do give them shit

Did you know you can catch aids from a New York toilet seat?

If you sit down before the other guy gets up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Getting an AMBER Alert while on the toilet is like winning the lottery...

Since those things are designed to randomly scare the shit out of you.

I always thought I would discover my inner self through Eastern philosophy

Not through a piece of single-ply toilet paper.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wash my hands before I go to the toilet

I like to keep my shit clean

Just played a round of musical chairs using toilet bowls...

Game of thrones.

Who do you buy an owl toilet seat for?

A wise ass

The police toilet was stolen

They have nothing to go on

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I browse TikTok daily but only on the toilet...

Because I don’t want the shit on my phone to get lonely

Restaurant toilets are so dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper.

He calls over to the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”

​

“No,” replies the man.

​

“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.

​

“Nope,” the second man replies.

&#...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are toilets made out of porcelain and not gold?

What, you think your shit deserves gold?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After buzzing about in a public toilet, how long will a fly generally stay sat on a urinal?

Until it gets pissed off.

I got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet

I call it my diarrhea

A plumber told me an interesting thing, the best call he ever went to was when some kid had dropped a pear down the toilet.

He said it was the easiest call he'd ever been to, all he had to do was flush the toilet, and it cleared the block.

Because a flush beats a pear every time.

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Why did the woman bring toilet paper tot he gala?

She was a party pooper!

Told by my 7 year-old

I recently went to a music festival and urinated in these futuristic "pod" toilets a couple of times.

I had like two pees in a pod.

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What did the rectum say to the toilet?

There goes all my hard work, down the drain.

Why did Piglet open the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh

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What did the toilet tell the annoying toilet?

Shit up and piss off.

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That’s the very last time I’m using single ply toilet paper

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in the Soviet Union?

Because they wanted to make every asshole Red.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a w...

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How do you know if a toilet is lying to you?

Look inside and see if it's full of shit.

What did the Australian toilet say?

Bidet mate!

What did Ludacris say when he used up the last of the toilet paper?

ROLL OUT!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On Top of The Toilet - The_Merciless_Potato

A crappy feeling's comin' over me

There is defecation in 'most everything I see

Not a toilet in sight, ate a taco and some fries

And I won't be surprised if it's a stream

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Every worst food-combo in the world

Is now coming true especially inside m...

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

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What do the Enterprise & Toilet paper have in common?

They both fly around Uranus looking for Klingons.

Golden Toilet

Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-ag...

Ancient China should be credited for inventing toilet paper.

The inventor was Wai Ping.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do the toilets at the border only have pissoirs?

Because they are duty free.

I met a guy who works at a toilet paper company

He was quite charmin, I must say.

Third magic trick now perfected.. transforming myself into toilet paper.

I'm on a roll!

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Toilet paper!

They’ve witnessed shit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elevators with toilets.

Isn't that taking shit to another level ?

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Cheap toilet paper is like a good cowboy

It’s rough, tough, leaves a mark, and doesn’t take shit from anybody

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A captain calls his assistant, "I've got a job for you but first, go to the toilet and jerk off."

The assistant did so and reported back to the captain.
Captain said, "Good. How do you feel?"
Assistant said, "I feel great sir".
Captain said," Good. Now, go back to the toilet and jerk off once more."
Assistant did so, this time a bit tired, reported back to the captain.

Ca...

A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to go to the toilet

The cowboy gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, he smashes the floor with his foot three times. Everybody stops making noise and look at him attentively.

"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right o...

Why don’t they have any toilet paper in KFC?

Because it’s finger lickin good!

All the toilets have been stolen from the local police station.

Detectives say they have nothing to go on.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just went to the toilet and took a huge dump...

I think I lost like one-turd of my weight.

My kids were playing in the garden and didn't tell me they needed to go toilet...

I guess you could say they soiled themselves

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a street fight and a toilet have in common?

Shit goes down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the chicken go to the toilet?

Because that’s where all the cocks hang out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the hospital with a toilet brush up my butt...

The doctor asked "How did this happen?"
I said "Well I met this girl in a club and took her back to mine..."
He interrupted and asked "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said "No. The wife was home."

What's the difference between cars and toilet paper?

You can buy a used car.

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before gett...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

Can you get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat?

Yes, if you sit down before the guy in front of you is finished.

I don't like going on the male toilets because men are a lot more open to farting loud there so I sometimes like to sneak into the female toilets and there they are a lot more quiet and discreet about it....

At least when they know I'm there

I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight....

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"

A man got into a female toilet by accident and saw a naked woman. The first thing that the woman do was to cover..

the man's mouth so that he won't go around telling people.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wish I hadn't started browsing Reddit on the toilet

It makes it take so much longer to get shit done.

The state of public toilets is scientific evidence that doing something 10 000 times doesn't make you good at it.

It's even peer reviewed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hadn't go to toilet for a week now

But nobody believe me. They say I am full of shit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone stole my toilet paper...

But I don't mind it.


They must have shittier life than me.

Why do the teletubbies go to the toilet at the same time?

They only have 1 Tinky-Winky

What's a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?

A porto potty.

A Scientologist knocked on my door and asked if he could use the toilet.

I said

“No mate. Your clearly hooked on diuretics”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss is always complaining about the toilet paper at work.

For Christmas, I sent him a 12-pack of ultra soft bathroom tissue and a Christmas card which read: “To the sensitive asshole that sits in the bossman’s chair.”

The hidden golden toilet

Two friends, Barry and Larry, meet up at the restaurant for lunch and order some food.

While eating, Barry talks about what happened to him a few nights ago:

“Man, you’re never going to believe me: on Thursday night after being quite drunk, I ended up in a bar where if you order the st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was on the toilet for the strike of midnight last night.

Same shit, different year I guess.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Patience is a bit like a toilet-roll

the bigger the arsehole you’re dealing with, the quicker it runs out.

Every year at my house, the toilet ends up blocked on Boxing Day.

Damn puppies never flush easily.

What happens when toilet paper grows up big and strong?

It becomes a toiletry.

A wise Chinese man once wrote: he who is standing on toilet ...

is high on pot

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a library and a toilet have in common?

Both are places where assholes go to be loud and obnoxious

Why did the toilet-roll roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Watson ask Sherlock when he came out of the toilet without doing his business?

No shit, Sherlock?

I recently named my toilet “Jim”

Now I can tell everyone I go to the Jim every morning.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you see someone pacing fast to the toilet, you'd know...

...shits about to go down.

What do women and warm toilet seats have in common?

They are both nice to be on, but it makes you wonder who was there before you.

What happens to you when you miss the toilet ?

Urine Trouble

Why do pterodatcyls pee on the side of the toilet bowl late at night?

To make the "p" silent

What always clogged the toilet on the USS Enterprise?

Captain's Log

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I leave the door open when I use the toilet. My British housemate is sort of disgusted by this...

The other day, he was nearby, so I yelled out, “Hey Charles, what do you call a person from Europe?”

Disgusted, he said, “European!”

“No!” I said, “I’m a’poopin!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a friend who says he hasn't been to the toilet in months

But I think he's just full of shit.

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(just thought of this on the pooper)