I switched the labels on the jars in my wife's spice rack. She hasn't noticed it yet...

I know the Thyme is Cumin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

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A father and his teenage son is walking through the pharmacy.

As they walk past the condom rack, the son notices they come in different packs. A pack of 3, a pack of 6, and a pack of 12.

"Dad, why are condoms sold in packs like that? Like, what's the 3-pack for?"

"Well Son, the different packs are for different men. The 3-pack is for college boys...

Elon Musk has been captured by a fellow billionaire and is now trapped in a medieval rack.

He is to henceforth be known as Elon Gates.

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My wife is going to kill me for ejaculating onto the spice rack

My thyme has cum

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

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Whenever I’m late for work I just masturbate near the herb rack

That way I always come on thyme.

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

a man that lost his mind but not his sence of humor !!!!!

A drunk man went home, he could hardly stand. He hung his coat on a coat rack The coat fell to the ground and the drunk man said thank God I wasn't wearing it

An old man lies on his deathbed. The end is near and family is gathering.

His memories run through his head as he lies alone while people talk in the other room. Sad things, joyful things. So many joyful memories. He thinks he smells his favorite cookies baking. Wait, the smell is real! His wife is making cookies, something she has not done for years!

He rall...

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A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

Just A Man Shopping With His Wife

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar..

Any help would be appreciated.

Cheers.

Two Hats Are Hanging On A Hat Rack

One looks at the other and says, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

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Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had.

Alas, I just kept drawing blanks.

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

I want to buy one of those grocery store dividers

but the cashier keeps taking it off the moving belt and putting it back on the rack.

I have been secretly messing with people's spice racks...

You might not know it, but your thyme is cumin.

I swapped all the labels around on my wife's spice rack.

She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Working at the unemployment office must be so nerve-racking

Even if you get yourself fired you still gotta come in the next day.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

Deer x 3

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do call call a deer with no eyes made out of metal?
Steel no eye deer.

What do call a deer with no legs, no tail, and no torso?
A hat rack.

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Victoria Beckham call her boobs?

Spice rack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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Just a slip of the tongue

A guy boards the flight and looks over at his row mate to see they have something in common and strikes up a conversation-

Guy 1 - Wow, what a coincidence. We both have a black eye!

Guy 2 - Yeah, it was really just a slip of the tongue. I was at the ticket counter and the woman behind ...

What did the prisoner say after being tortured on the rack?

I feel like I be long here.

Then there was the time I snagged my tongue piercing on her naval piercing:

I was caught between a rack and a hot place!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a brunette, red-head, and a blonde in the same Kindergarten class. Who has the biggest rack?

The blonde. She's 19.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is taking his first ever flight

A man is taking his first ever flight and he's very excited. He's wanted to fly on a plane ever since he was a little boy. He's especially excited about the prospect of who he could be seated next to. His mind full with anticipation over the possibilities- it could be a celebrity, his favorite athle...

I’m writing a play about doing cocaine off of a rack...

But I’m having a hard time getting past the titular line.

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

Things got spicy after I touched my girlfriend's rack.

I didn't realize it was broken on one side... what a waste of thyme!

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My girlfriend loves cats and wanted to go to a bowling alley today. So I took her out to Racks and Balls Bowling Alley & Strip Club

There might not be cats... but there will be pussy.

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

What did the old lady and the rack of ribs have in common?

They were both used to dry rubs!

What's the difference between my chair and my mistress?

One has the backrest

The other has the best rack

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.

What a waste of thyme.

NSFW While I was sitting in the bar one night drinking alone

A stunner of a woman walked up to the bar sat down right next to me. A booty to die for and rack that hadn’t fallen yet, I couldn’t help taking a glance at her. She smiled back at me, and not in an unkindly way.

I asked if I could buy her the next drink. She accepted. We started talking. She ...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

I wanted to rearrange all the spices on my spice rack

But I couldn't find the thyme.

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A group of nuns were remodeling their church.

Today they were painting the walls. They didn't want to get paint on their habits (their nun clothes), so they decided to lock the doors and paint naked...

...they were butt naked and painting when suddenly someone knocked on the cathedral doors. Sister Mary explained to her sisters that ever...

[NSFW] If a woman gets a breast implant at a discount...

Does that make it a clearance rack?

Chemistry Poem

Oxygen U played Hydrogen Tech and the game had just begun,

when Hydrogen racked up two quick scores while Oxygen still had none.

Then Oxygen scored a single run and thus it did remain,

at Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1, called because of rain.

Just got fired as an IT consultant

It all went wrong when my lady boss told me to grab the rack.

The jester and the king

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jeste...

Two mechanics are starting a long work day.

Greg: "I don't feel like working today. I think I'm going to get myself sent home early."

Al: "Just how do you think you're going to do that?"

Greg: "Watch me."

Greg climbs up the tire rack, and hangs upside down from the rafters with his arms spread out.

Just then the sh...

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A man was dissatisfied with a Chad Kroeger album he bought off of the 95% rack...

So he returned it and got his Nickelback

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This is a robbery!

A man storms into a bank with a ski mask over his head and a shotgun.

"This is a robbery" the man shouts. "Open the vault!!"

The receptionist stands still looking at the robber questionably.

"We don't have any money here sir" the receptionist replies. "This is a sperm bank..."...

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BECOMING AMERICAN

Two Saudi brothers come to America and one buys a house on the west coast and the other on the east coast. They are so excited about being Americans and during their goodbyes they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.

Two months pas...

Hellen Keller walked into a bar,

A table, and a rack.

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My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

A guy lost his hat and decides to jsut steal one

He figures best place is church as there are plenty of people and hats are hanging from racks. But he decides to listen to sermon instead. After the sermon he approaches the minister and says "You know, I came here to steal a hat. But I heard you preach about 10 Commandments and I changed my mind." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way ...

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

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A story about kinks and boobs

I started dating this girl with a really weird fetish -- she's got a very nice pair of knockers, and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more kinky about it, and ...

It is my wife's birthday tomorrow.

She's been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So I've bought her a magazine rack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

Now that’s what I call stupid

In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza ou...

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[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

Mario decided to take up an extra job at the bank.

He had only been working a few weeks and was having a rough day when suddenly a masked man bursts through the door and yells: "This is a robbery!"

This was the last straw for Mario and pulls a shotgun out of his desk, aims it at the man and gives him til the count of 3 to get out or hell blas...

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An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

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An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*

Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.

So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.

They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."

The seco...

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a...

How are flat chested women like spiders?

If you dislike either one, you're a-rack-no-phobic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We're selling assholes!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman with a huge purse walks into a bank...

And she demands from the teller that she sees the President of Manhattan's First Bank, and she has 4 million dollars in her purse for him to see. The teller calls the President, and he arrives shortly to decide whether or not this old lady is just senile.

The old woman approaches him and say...

I made this joke!

One day the king feels the urge to examine his castle dungeons and ensure everything is running smoothly. His examination is going well when he runs across the guy operating the rack. After a bit of conversation the king asks how the rack operator's job is going to which he replies "well, it's just ...

Two blondes are working at a warehouse...

One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”

She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”

“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO ...

Joke Explanation

So we have a dad joke calendar at work that we check every day. Today's joke was as follows:

Q: How do you make an apple puff?

A: Chase it around the garden!

Can someone explain what the hell this means? Everyone at work has been racking their brains trying to figure it out and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid learns "fancy" words. #1

young Tommy had gotten in trouble at school one day and after a series of events was on the verge of being expelled from his elementary school. To save face the boy's parents invited the superintendent and a few select teacher's over for dinner to discuss Tommy's future at the school. The young boy ...

Went to the doctor for my physical

When it came time to do the prostate exam, I asked where I should put my pants. He said on the rack next to his.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid walks in on his parents taking a shower...

He hears them saying to one another: "Honey, you have big balls." "Babe, you have big tits".

The boy asks, "Mom, dad, what are tits and balls?"

His parents reply, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying hats and scarves, now go play." So the kid goes off to play.

Later...

OP meets a talking crow

One day OP decides to get off reddit for a bit and go for a nice leisurely walk. After walking for a few hours he pauses at a park bench and sits down to collect his thoughts.

A crow lands on the bench beside him and takes him off guard by saying hello.

“Are... are you a talking crow?...

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell.

When he got there,he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly longline, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell.

So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"<...

African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin...

Two blondes are walking through a forest...

and they come across some tracks.

Blonde 1: Those look like deer tracks!
Blonde 2: No, dummy, those are rabbit racks!

They were both still arguing when the train hit them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Flight to Israel...

A woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.”

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv,...

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

&nbsp;

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People say that without college I'm nothin

Bitch please I don't need a degree to be a clothing hanger


*Hooks onto clothing rack*

A young man follows in his father's footsteps... (Long)

The father chopped wood


The son chopped wood


The father built the family home


The son helped expand it


The father did many manual labor jobs to feed the family


The son sacrificed schooling to help at these jobs


The father and son did ...

A man working at the Federal Reserve

A man working at the Federal Reserve was hired to manufacture pennies. On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.

“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block ...

*The Hat*

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments.

Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going t...

Playing Scrabble is like talking to women...

You spend the whole time looking at the rack trying to form words.

What do male deer and the Kardashians have in common?

Every year, they get a new rack

A tree went to the psychologist...

He told him that the rest of the trees in the forest had not been very nice to him.

They all had beautiful colorful fruits and flowers. They made fun of his pine cones and spiked leaves. He stayed the same boring green all year and never lived up to the beauty of the other trees.

He ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men from Alabama are talking

Two men from Alabama are talking:

+So I boned a girl yesterday ans she was so hot man, i'm talking about a perfect body.

-Really? Do you have a pic from her?

+Yeah sure , look at this.

[Shows nude picture of said woman]

-She's so hot man, look at that rack! And tha...

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