I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack.

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin...

Things got spicy after I touched my girlfriend's rack.

I didn't realize it was broken on one side... what a waste of thyme!

Two hats sit on a rack, what did one hat say to the other?

You stay here, I'll go on a head.

There's a brunette, red-head, and a blonde in the same Kindergarten class. Who has the biggest rack?

The blonde. She's 19.

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A man walks into a magic shop and sees a small wooden box on the rack.

He reads the label on the package: 'COIN DUPLICATOR'. Excited and ready to impress his friends, the man buys the coin duplicator and rips the package open.



He opens the box, places a quarter inside, and closes it. He presses a red button on the top of the box, which produces a short...

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

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What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

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My girlfriend loves cats and wanted to go to a bowling alley today. So I took her out to Racks and Balls Bowling Alley & Strip Club

There might not be cats... but there will be pussy.

What did the old lady and the rack of ribs have in common?

They were both used to dry rubs!

Two blondes are walking through a forest...

and they come across some tracks.

Blonde 1: Those look like deer tracks!
Blonde 2: No, dummy, those are rabbit racks!

They were both still arguing when the train hit them.

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.

What a waste of thyme.

Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.

I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

I wanted to rearrange all the spices on my spice rack

But I couldn't find the thyme.

My dishwasher has racks on racks

I'm not talking about the machine

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

I made this joke!

One day the king feels the urge to examine his castle dungeons and ensure everything is running smoothly. His examination is going well when he runs across the guy operating the rack. After a bit of conversation the king asks how the rack operator's job is going to which he replies "well, it's just ...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

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Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

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A man was dissatisfied with a Chad Kroeger album he bought off of the 95% rack...

So he returned it and got his Nickelback

I’m writing a play about doing cocaine off of a rack...

But I’m having a hard time getting past the titular line.

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

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An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

A man working at the Federal Reserve

A man working at the Federal Reserve was hired to manufacture pennies. On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.

“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block ...

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People say that without college I'm nothin

Bitch please I don't need a degree to be a clothing hanger


*Hooks onto clothing rack*

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

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A boy comes home one day after being called an idiot. (Long)

He asks his mother what an idiot is, and his mother says it means ‘ladies and gentlemen’. He goes into the kitchen and hears his father whisper ‘fuck!’ after cutting himself with a knife. The boy asks what that means. The dad says it means ‘preparing’. He goes upstairs into the bathroom, and finds ...

That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way ...

African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin...

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

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An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*

Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.

So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when...

Went to the doctor for my physical

When it came time to do the prostate exam, I asked where I should put my pants. He said on the rack next to his.

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

I have lost my wife. She went shopping and hasn’t returned!

Policeman: What is the ladies height sir?

Husband: Height? I’m not sure, I’ve never measured her.

Policeman: Is she a slim or a large lady sir?

Husband: She’s sort of average I’d say.

Policeman: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Sort of bluey-green I suppose.

Pol...

What do male deer and the Kardashians have in common?

Every year, they get a new rack

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I lost pretty badly at beer pong to a chick with a bad boob job.

She really wanted a re-rack.

OP meets a talking crow

One day OP decides to get off reddit for a bit and go for a nice leisurely walk. After walking for a few hours he pauses at a park bench and sits down to collect his thoughts.

A crow lands on the bench beside him and takes him off guard by saying hello.

“Are... are you a talking crow?...

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Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

What do you get a slav for a birthday present?

A squat rack

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Enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant, ended up saving a life!

So I’m at a restaurant enjoying a nice meal with my wife. She’s ingesting the smoked pork jowl while I’m enjoying a nice rack of lamb cooked to perfection. All of a sudden at a few tables near us, the lady who’s splitting with her husband a smooth roast chicken (with an immensely enjoyable aroma) s...

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Two men from Alabama are talking

Two men from Alabama are talking:

+So I boned a girl yesterday ans she was so hot man, i'm talking about a perfect body.

-Really? Do you have a pic from her?

+Yeah sure , look at this.

[Shows nude picture of said woman]

-She's so hot man, look at that rack! And tha...

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We're selling assholes!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, pu...

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The King of the Jungle [long] [nsfw]

The lion, the king of the jungle, once summoned all the animals to celebrate his new born child. Sure enough all the animals showed up and gazed with awe upon the famous lion's rock.

The lion roared fiercly and all animals awaited silently the big announcement of their king. After a brief mom...

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Kid learns "fancy" words. #1

young Tommy had gotten in trouble at school one day and after a series of events was on the verge of being expelled from his elementary school. To save face the boy's parents invited the superintendent and a few select teacher's over for dinner to discuss Tommy's future at the school. The young boy ...

Why is it impossible to keep Oedipus from cheating at Scrabble?

He's always trying to look at his mother's rack.

What do a strip club and a Reddit data center have in common?

Both are full of big racks and lonely guys.

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A kid walks in on his parents taking a shower...

He hears them saying to one another: "Honey, you have big balls." "Babe, you have big tits".

The boy asks, "Mom, dad, what are tits and balls?"

His parents reply, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying hats and scarves, now go play." So the kid goes off to play.

Later...

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A guy is in the grocery store

A guy is in the grocery store when a pretty woman smiles at him and says hello. He's taken aback and can't place her.

"Do I know you?" he asks.

"I think you're the father of one of my kids," she says.

He racks his brain to think of how that could be. Then he remembers the only t...

*The Hat*

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments.

Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going t...

The Priest's Horse

So, a man is travelling through the Midwest and is attempting to get two villages over to meet a friend.

By the time he has reached the first village he is running very late. He stops at the stables in the first village and asks to borrow a horse that he will return on his way home. The loca...

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Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.

Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.

Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.

Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eigh...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

My friend told ne he was sleeping with twins.

Me: But how do you tell them apart?
Friend: Sarah has got a great rack and Tom has a moustache.

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An old woman with a huge purse walks into a bank...

And she demands from the teller that she sees the President of Manhattan's First Bank, and she has 4 million dollars in her purse for him to see. The teller calls the President, and he arrives shortly to decide whether or not this old lady is just senile.

The old woman approaches him and say...

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a...

Playing Scrabble is like talking to women...

You spend the whole time looking at the rack trying to form words.

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Little Johnny's Thanksgiving

It was thanksgiving eve and Little Johnny was in his room, when he heard his dad shout from the living room,

"These Bitches and Bastards!", Johnny ran out and asked, "Daddy what are bitches and bastards?"
"Oh that's a nice way of saying ladies and gentleman."

So Johnny went back to...

God wants to go on vacation...

He's sitting in his throne room, boredly surveying the Earth, wondering where in his name he could go to. So he calls in St. Peter to give gimme some suggestions.

St. Peter gives it some thought and says, "Well, how about the rest of heaven? You haven't gotten a good look of it since you made...

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NSFW Little johnny is playing in his brothers room when...

he hears a rap song his brother is playing. The rap song says "pimps and hoes", and little johnny asks his brother what that means. His brother in a panic says "it means ladies and gentlemen!" His brother decides to turn off the music, but before he could hit the button the song continues on to say ...

3 Brothers immigrate to America and open a convenience store.

Each of them can only speak 1 sentence of English. The eldest can only say "Maybe, maybe not."

The second can say only "One dollar-fifty."

The youngest, "If you don't, somebody else will!"


A customer walks into the store, and takes a magazine from the display rack to the c...

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Classic Freudian Slip

Two guys are chatting over a beer. One of them tells the other,
"Man, I had the most embarrassing thing happen to me a few weeks ago - a classic Freudian slip - I was at at the airport and I swear, the gal the behind the counter had the biggest rack I've seen in a long time, and so, instead of s...

A redneck goes to a bar...

A redneck goes to a bar and sees a cute girl. He has the bartender send her a drink. She flirts with him from across the bar, sending glances at him and he racks his brain trying to think of something good to say. He finally mans up, walks over to her and says "Hey sis what's up?"

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What are you afraid of

One day on a lonely bit of road a police officer sees this old lady speeding in her Cadillac.

So the police officer pulls her over and tells the old lady that she was speeding a bit, then ask her "Are there any weapons in the car ma'am?"

She says "there is a gun rack with rifles and sh...

Bench Bros...

Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a busty coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. One guy turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"

They say bringing your bike to work is better for the enviorment

Why not
I have a roof rack anyways

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A Picket to Tittsburgh

I was at the local bus station to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh. While I was in line to purchase my ticket, I noticed the woman working behind the counter was stunning and had enormous breasts. I have always clammed up whenever I speak to women, let alone a gorgeous woman with a great rack, so I silent...

If I could travel back in time, I would go to the Inquisition.

I heard the women had nice racks.

What is it called when a dyslexic has a slow computer?

A rack of lamb

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A man is about to have surgery on his penis...

... As the surgeon walks in, he takes a look at the mans penis and yells out, "JESUS CHRIST, MAN!! What the hell happened to you?!?"

Guy on the table says to him, "it's a long story."

"Well we've got some time before the anesthesiologist arrives, so you can lay it on me if you want" ...

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One I heard in 4th grade and remembered out of the blue today.

A sexy pirate captain had been at sea for 6 months, she was the perfect woman, a huge rack, a tight waist, long slender legs that lead up to nice tight ass. She was perfect except for her one wooden eye of which she was extremely sensitive. After 6 months at sea she was hot for it and ready to break...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He sets the octopus down on the bar with $500 and says "this octopus can play any instrument put in front of him. If you don't believe me put $100 on the table, and bring him any instrument, if he can't play it you can keep all the money that's been put down." Naturally, several patrons come up with...

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A rather inebriated man walks up to the bartender at his favorite bar...

He slaps 2 $100 bills down on the counter. "I bet you this two hundred dollars that I can piss from one end of your counter to the other, into a cup, and not spill a single drop."

 

The bartender sizes the man up, realizing that the man can barely stand upright, and decides to...

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The Test

John was very happy to be meeting his fiance's parent's for the first time. They agreed to meet at his house then drive to the local steakhouse. John arrived at the house on time and knocked on the door. His soon to be father in law answered it with a stern look on his face. John was invited in and ...

A pair of lifelong friends play golf and go to Hooters

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big ...

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar. The bartender sees them chatting, so he goes over to them and says "Wow, what an honor to have the two of you here! What are you guys talking about?"

Trump responds with "We are planning our tactics for World War III."

Curious, the barten...

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I went to that new sexy internet café

My server sure had a nice rack

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A Welshman goes to the doctor for a physical

The doctor comes in and asks the man to undress. After he does, the doctor notices the man has a massive hard-on. The Welshman's boner persists for the entire length of the examination. At the end the doctor asks if there's anything he can do for the man's long lasting erection. "Yes," the Welshman ...

So I was walking through rural Georgia when...

...I passed a little lady with white hair and deep wrinkles sitting on her front porch who waved to me. I decided to amble up, say hello, and see if I could determine the secret to her longevity.

She told me her name was Ida and that she'd lived in this house her whole life, just as her par...

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So there I was, on the subway, and a drop-dead-gorgeous Asian chick sits across from me...

...And I mean damn beautiful, wearing this knee-length dress with a split halfway up the thigh, low-cut and showing off a magnificent rack - with no bra, even!

I briefly tried to start a conversation to distract myself from the urge to ogle, but it was clear she didn't speak enough English, a...

One day at the Psychiatric Ward...

A psychiatrist is evaluating three new mental patients. He turns to the first one and asks, "How much is 3 times 3?"

The mental patient thinks and thinks. He racks his brain. Finally, after several minutes, he answers, "128!"

The psychiatrist turns to the second mental patient and asks...

Two Chefs get in an argument,

And they split the kitchen right down the middle.

One Chef has the oven and fridge on his side, and the other has the freezer, a spice rack, and a microwave on his.

So the first Chef looks at the other and says

"What are you gonna do? You can't cook anything in a microwave, you'...

A woman walks into a designer dress store, trying to get a job...

She walks up to the manager and says, "I'm the best damn salesperson you could ever have! I want a job."

The manager, admiring her moxie, says, "That's wonderful, but *any*one can just *say* they're the best."

Without missing a beat, the woman says, "Give me anything. It'll be done in ...

Adult book store

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke,"...

What did Saddam Hussein say every time he played pool?

I rack.

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What do you call a cheap boob job?

A discount rack.

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There are three priests at an airport...

Three priests are traveling home from a trip to the Vatican. They have yet to purchase tickets when they get to the airport, so the youngest priest volunteers to purchase them for the rest of the group.

As he walks up to the counter, he notices that the lady working there has a very large bo...

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Freudian Slip

Two businessmen are talking at a bar. One says to the other, "Oh boy did i screw up at the airport yesterday. The girl behind the counter had a huge rack and instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsburgh!" The friend says, "Oh yeah that happened when i was hav...

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