Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.

Mount Wash More.

Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?

He won’t separate the whites from the colours…

My wife found my hard sock in the laundry.

She winked at me and said "Have you been using cornstarch?"

I said "No, it's just my Johnson's baby powder."

Now that Laundry Folding Machine has been invented

Theres no used getting married.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doing laundry!

A couple had a young kid and whenever they wanted to have sex, they used a code which was “I want to do the laundry”.
One day, the father tells his son:

“Go tell your mother that dad wants to do the laundry”

The son goes and tells his mother and she replied:

“Tell your dad ...

How does a South African do their laundry?

Well first you separate the whites and the coloureds...

A young boy was at the corner of a grocery store picking out a box of laundry detergent.

A young boy was at the corner of a grocery store picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.' 'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's ...

What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your pool?

Throw in your laundry.

What's a laundry machine's favourite chocolate?

Lindt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a young white female pornstar and my laundry have in common?

We’re both doing a load of blacks

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the male pornstar who accidentally put explosives in with his laundry?

He blew his load everywhere!

A man went to a laundry service

He drop his set of pants for dry cleaning.

As he was leaving, the clerk says "come again"

He turns around and said "Nope, this time its mayonaisse"

How is it, that the capital city of USA is also the place of most successful laundry bussines?

Because they're washing tons.

What's the difference between a laundry machine and children?

A laundry machine doesn't cry when I put the load in.

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.

Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*

Why aren't the people eating laundry soap injecting it instead?

Seems like it'd be a little Tidier

Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry?

She had a filthy habit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wish laundry could masturbate

Then it could just do itself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The cops in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

A husband texts his wife from the office, "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"

Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back.

"Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"

"OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!", she texted back.

"Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do Klu Klux Klan members love doing laundry?

It's the only time they're able to separate whites from colors without getting any shit for it!

Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist...

...then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding.

I really need to find a way to finish my laundry.

I always start off strong but halfway through I throw in the towel.

My mom caught me lying about smuggling Tide pods out of the house instead of doing the laundry

So I had to come clean

Life isn't all about laundry detergent...

It's what's in Tide that counts!

What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry?

"Today is a good day to dry."

I was doing the laundry today and I started reading the side of the detergent and it said…

Tough on Grime.

Smashes Dirt.

Hard on Stains.

I thought, wow, that last one's a bit too much information…

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a good looking guy who can cook, clean, do his own laundry, great at sex, rich and responsible?

*Imaginary*

My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:

"Nut screws washers and bolts."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wanna do some laundry?

So a married couple, trying to keep their sex private from their kids, use the phrase "wanna do some laundry?" when they want to have sex.

One day the husband comes home and asks his wife, "hey, wanna do some laundry?" To which she replies, "no laundry is getting done today. I have a headach...

Jerry hated doing laundry.

So he threw in the towel.

:D

I prefer having poker players do my laundry

They know when to fold

It's okay, laundry

Nobody is doing me either

My wife threatened to call the cops if I didn't start checking the pockets of our clothes when I did laundry.

I asked "And what exactly do you expect them to charge me with?"

She said, "Money laundering."

My laundry business makes tens of millions a year

Really helped that I started it across the street from GoldmanSacks

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend and I use "laundry" as a code-word for sex.

Her dad asked me why I couldn't do the laundry by myself so I told him "it's a big load".

Dirty laundry!!!

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"The laundry is not very clean",she said." She doesn't know how wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry

There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites.

What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common?

One protects all colors.

How did Nelson Mandela do laundry while in prison?

He used one part water, a part corn starch, and a part Tide.

What do you call A man doing Laundry?

Non-existent

My grandpa always told me that cooking and cleaning was a woman's job, so I was surprised when he confessed he does his own laundry...

I guess he's really passionate about separating whites from coloreds.

I'm going to do you like I do the laundry...

and leave it all to a machine.

Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?

Because red shirts die easily.

Yo momma is like cheap laundry detergent

Not as soft, doesn't smell as good, but gets way more loads

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doing laundry is a lot like masturbating

the longer I wait the larger my load

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two American journalists are in London.

Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and t...

What US state has a lot of dirty laundry?

Washington

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple with five kids...

A couple with five kids had to be careful when trying to have sexy times. The codenamed it, "doing the laundry." One day the husband was trying to get frisky, but the wife just had too much to do with the kids. Well she thought, he has been working a lot of overtime to pay for christmas and has been...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was there semen on the clean laundry?

When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"

When I do laundry I tell people I'm going to 1943

Cause I got to separate the whites and colors

What does laundry day and the 1950's have in common

Color separation

I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean.

Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.

My grandpa used to say that dating was like doing laundry.

Never mix the whites with the colors.

Hookers should use laundry mats as fronts for their brothels

They both charge by the load.

What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room?

You washer and dryer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm going to dress up as laundry next Halloween

bitches love doing laundry.

A student asks CS professor: did your years of studying computer science ever helped you in your life?

Professor replies: oh yes, for sure, computer science did help me in my life. One day I'd get my socks from the laundry and they were all mixed up in a big pile of socks. But then I remembered that I knew QuickSort and sorted them in O(n log n) time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tourist in Chinatown sees a sign advertising "Hans Olafsen's Laundry"

He goes inside to check it out, and there's an old Asian man in the corner.
"How did this place get named 'Hans Olafsen's Laundry'?" he asks.
"It's named after me, Hans Olafsen." said the man.
"That's an unusual name for a Chinese man" observed the tourist.
"When I wa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is putting clean laundry away...

She starts putting away her husband's clothes. Her husband's wardrobe has four drawers, the top one being his personal drawer. She was told to keep away from it by her husband. Curious, she opens it, and finds three golf balls, and dozens of stacks of banded bills.

Her husband arrives home a...

Newlywed Laundry

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door...

Cinderella

My wife told me: "I'm sick of you, since I got married i work, cook, I'm doing laundry..."

I respond: "I told you if you marry me you will live like Cinderella!"

I left a tube of superglue in my pocket when I did laundry yesterday...

...it was a viscous cycle.

Sharing a washing machine in college

I was going to the college laundry room to wash my clothes and noticed someone left their clothes in the dryer that I had booked.

Naturally I just went to take it out, but just as I did, a girl walked in, and saw me with my arms full of her towels and underwear.

She gave me a very we...

Laundry

A shy young couple invent a name for making love "doing the laundry." One night the husband wakes up and asks his wife if she wants to "do the laundry."She complains that she's got a headache so the husband goes back to sleep. In the morning he asks if she'd like to "do the laundry," but his wife co...

Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs!

She made me do it all.

A man and a woman had a child together, but after two years the child had not yet said a word...

...After two years of waiting, the child suddenly says: "Grandpa, grandpa!" Ofcourse the parents are very happy that the child has finally said his first words, but the next day grandma calls and tells that grandfather has passed away.

After two weeks the child suddenly says: "Grandma, Grandm...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. ...

The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Minnesota. He had giv...

A man was at the laundromat

to do his laundry. He saw that it was going to take a few hours so he went to Subway to grab a bite. He was about to pay when he realized he left his wallet at the laundromat.

He went back and he saw police cars around. The man was arrested.

"Money laundering is illegal, buddy", said t...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

A man comes home after a long day, his wife then hits him in the back of the head with a frying pan

He clutches his head in pain asking her, “Honey why? Why did you do that?” She answers, “When I was doing your laundry I found a receipt in your pocket with a woman’s name on it.” He responds, “That’s why you hit me? Honey Mary-Ann is a horse I bet on, that’s the receipt for my bet.” She accepts th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asked me to have sex with her

I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her an...

What’s the difference between whites and blacks?

They require different laundry machine settings.

What's pink, wrinkly, and hangs out your pants?

Grandma doing laundry

My friend Steve was looking to rent a house.

Steve's wealthy, so he had two realtors competing to lease him their latest properties. The first realtor opened his pitch bragging about the laundry list of folks who had rented property from him.
"I've rented out properties to Buddha himself, to four Norse gods, even Christ and a few of his dis...

A man was looking for a job

A man was looking for a job. The only issue was that he had a harelip, so he was hard to understand. One day, he sees a man walking up the street selling laundry detergent door to door, and approaches him. The man says in a cracking voice, "excuse me sir, are you hiring?" The salesman replies, "I do...

A man goes to the police to call his wife missing.

"When have you seen your wife for the last time?"

- "About a month ago"

"And why are you coming to the police only now?!"

- "I have no more clean laundry..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother is worried about her children's iron intake so she decides to put some iron BB gun ammo in their oatmeal...

Later that day why the mother was doing laundry her youngest son came up to her and said, "Mom! Mom! I was peeing just now I peed out a BB!"
The mother simply replied, "Don't worry dear that's normal"
Later on her middle oldest came in and said that he had also peed out a BB.
The mother re...

A wife goes on a retreat for work...

A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her. Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!" So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, t...

Question: Would you know what actions to take if someone had an epileptic fit in the bath?

"Throw the Laundry in"..

Did you hear about the mathmatician's wife?

It all started when they got married. She sat down on the couch every single day, and screamed at him for not cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or washing the dishes while she was watching TV.

Of course, such a static lifestyle only makes you less healthy. So after a while, she grew fatt...

A guy walks in to an appliance store

And the salesman immediately approaches him saying:

"Sir, would you be interested in a 4K Super smart tv with a voice remote, connection to youtube,netflix and social sites and instant access to thousands of channels around the world"

"Okay... For how much?"

"ONLY 5 dollars" - S...

My parents taught me from birth that the coloreds and the whites should be separated.

I mean, that’s just basic laundry.

What weighs 100 pounds in the morning, one ton in the afternoon, and 2 pounds at night?

A Portuguese man's wife.


"Do the laundry you witch!" he yells at her in the morning.

"Wash the dishes you cow!" he yells at her in the afternoon.

"Come to bed my little dove," he whispers to her at night.


Translation might be slightly off as it's an old Brasilian ...

Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action

I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she ha...