Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.

Mount Wash More.

My Laundry Timeline

Load the washer: 5 minutes

Wash cycle: 30 minutes

Dryer cycle: 50 minutes

Put clothes away: 7-10 business days

Due to turning into laundry detergent, I was unable to go to work today.

What can I say? My hands were Tide.

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

My wife and I had a long argument last night as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually I folded.

My mom always did the laundry at 5AM, while it was still dark. I never understood why....

but then it dawned on me.

Why do white supremacists like laundry?

Because they get to separate coloureds from whites.

I was offered a job in a monastery laundry

I decided not to go through with it, I didn't want to pick up any dirty habits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

My dishwasher and laundry machine broke today.

We had to rush her to the hospital immediately.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

Why are Goalkeepers always doing laundry?

They love having clean sheets

The best part of being rich and famous is someone else does your dirty laundry.

They hang all your Versace, Armani, Epstein and Gucci, no questions asked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was putting away laundry when the kitten ran across her feet.

Startled, she dropped the pants she was holding. Her husband laughs and says “damn, you mean I’ve been trying to get those off of you for all these years and your drop your pants for a little pussy”

My wife found my hard sock in the laundry.

She winked at me and said "Have you been using cornstarch?"

I said "No, it's just my Johnson's baby powder."

Where does Frozone put his laundry?

Down his super chute.

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

A tourist in L.A. is walking through Chinatown

When he sees a sign saying, “Hans Olafsen’s Laundry.” Curious, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. “How did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen’s Laundry?” asks the tourist. The old man says, “It’s named after me. I’m Hans Olafsen.” “That’s an unusual ...

Now that Laundry Folding Machine has been invented

Theres no used getting married.

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
...

What do you do when someone is having a seizure in a bath tub?

Throw in the laundry.

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.

Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the male pornstar who accidentally put explosives in with his laundry?

He blew his load everywhere!

Funny Laundering

My wife saw me seperating my clothes into "whites" and "blacks" for the wash.

She accused me of Laundry Segregation but I much prefer to think of it as Ethnic Cleansing.

What do bondage enthusiasts use to do their laundry?

Tied pods.

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish laundry could masturbate

Then it could just do itself.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because someone didn't do their laundry this week...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Sheila and Barry...

Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, e...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

A husband texts his wife from the office, "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"

Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back.

"Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"

"OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!", she texted back.

"Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my f...

Dry clean only?

I am the guy who needs his wife to help with the laundry.

I look at the tag on clothes, and I don't know what that stuff means.

Dry Clean Only ?????

Well yeah, I ain't gonna dry it dirty!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a young white female pornstar and my laundry have in common?

We’re both doing a load of blacks

What's a laundry machine's favourite chocolate?

Lindt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in my town is hiding from the cops after he was caught having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry?

She had a filthy habit

Whats the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

I really need to find a way to finish my laundry.

I always start off strong but halfway through I throw in the towel.

How is it, that the capital city of USA is also the place of most successful laundry bussines?

Because they're washing tons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Klu Klux Klan members love doing laundry?

It's the only time they're able to separate whites from colors without getting any shit for it!

A young boy was at the corner of a grocery store picking out a box of laundry detergent.

A young boy was at the corner of a grocery store picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.' 'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's ...

A man went to a laundry service

He drop his set of pants for dry cleaning.

As he was leaving, the clerk says "come again"

He turns around and said "Nope, this time its mayonaisse"

Why aren't the people eating laundry soap injecting it instead?

Seems like it'd be a little Tidier

A husband buys a car for his wife...

So she can run some errands while hes at work. He gets home from work and sees the car parked a couple houses down. He ask the wife:

Husband: Why is the car parked their?

Wife: I went to the grocery store and on the way back, it just stopped. Can you fix it?

Husband: What d...

Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist...

...then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:

"Nut screws washers and bolts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw nothing.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman got shot by 7 bullets in war

She went to the infirmary,where she had surgery to remove the bullets


Doctor : -You will live a normal live,I couldn't get out 2 bullets but they will come out naturally


Then the woman goes on her way and has 2 twins,a boy and a girl


After 15 years,the mom is doing ...

My laundry business makes tens of millions a year

Really helped that I started it across the street from GoldmanSacks

I was doing the laundry today and I started reading the side of the detergent and it said…

Tough on Grime.

Smashes Dirt.

Hard on Stains.

I thought, wow, that last one's a bit too much information…

What is the difference between a woman and a laundry machine?

The laundry machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.

Jerry hated doing laundry.

So he threw in the towel.

:D

My mom caught me lying about smuggling Tide pods out of the house instead of doing the laundry

So I had to come clean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets home after a long day at work

He sits down on the couch and calls out to his wife "Hey babe, will you get me a beer before it starts?" She gladly goes to the fridge and gets him a beer, pops the top and brings it to him then goes into the kitchen to start dinner. About half an hour later she hears "Hey babe, will you get me a be...

My wife threatened to call the cops if I didn't start checking the pockets of our clothes when I did laundry.

I asked "And what exactly do you expect them to charge me with?"

She said, "Money laundering."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shitty pun

In an Irish home while the father was cooking, the mom finished doing the laundry and asked the father if he needed help.The father then says that he is done and hands her a knife for her to chop the tomatoes for the salad, but she drops the knife that ended up on her foot.
As the son rushed to...

I prefer having poker players do my laundry

They know when to fold

What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry?

"Today is a good day to dry."

What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common?

One protects all colors.

It's okay, laundry

Nobody is doing me either

Laundry Detergent

There was a kid in a retail store on the laundry detergent aisle. He was there for a long time thinking about what to buy and a sales person noticed him and asked if he was lost. The kid replied, "I'm just having a hard time deciding which detergent would work best on my dog."


Surprised, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seaman Jack

Seaman Jack joined the navy. When he was little he wanted to become a carrier pilot, then when he was a teenager he figured maybe he was only good for a rear admiral serving on a missile destroyer, and when he barely graduated high school, he decided well maybe he'll just be a sailor.

And the...

Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent?

Because it told him to keep his whites and colours separate.

What do you call A man doing Laundry?

Non-existent

What US state has a lot of dirty laundry?

Washington

A man goes into a pet store

In the pet store he asks for something interesting, and the worker brings out a dog

“I don’t want a dog, I want something interesting.” Says the man.

So the worker goes in the back of the store and comes back to the man with a snake.

The man says, “This is interesting, but I wan...

My daughter wants a new iPhone so to teach her a lesson...

I told her that she can have one if she washes the dishes, sweeps the floor, takes out the trash, does the laundry, mows the lawn, walks the dog, dusts the shelves and helps me cook every day.

The lesson?

iPhones come form child labour.

Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?

Because red shirts die easily.

I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean.

Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.

My grandpa always told me that cooking and cleaning was a woman's job, so I was surprised when he confessed he does his own laundry...

I guess he's really passionate about separating whites from coloreds.

Yo momma is like cheap laundry detergent

Not as soft, doesn't smell as good, but gets way more loads

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doing laundry is a lot like masturbating

the longer I wait the larger my load

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and I found a bunch of inappropriate magazines."

"What did you do?" the second nun asked.

"I threw them in the trash, of course."

"Well," said the second nun, "I was in the Father's room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms."

"What did you do?" the first nun asked.

"I poked holes in them."

"Oh, crap,...

My grandpa used to say that dating was like doing laundry.

Never mix the whites with the colors.

Hookers should use laundry mats as fronts for their brothels

They both charge by the load.

What does laundry day and the 1950's have in common

Color separation

Dirty laundry!!!

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"The laundry is not very clean",she said." She doesn't know how wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was there semen on the clean laundry?

When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband is getting ready to go out drinking with his buddies.

Wife is ironing his shirt and as he's putting it on, she gives him a warning about his drinking. "Remember, if you get so drunk that you throw up on your clothes. I'm going to be really upset". He assures her that he will be good and heads out to the bar to meet his friends. Of course he begins to d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm going to dress up as laundry next Halloween

bitches love doing laundry.

Cinderella

My wife told me: "I'm sick of you, since I got married i work, cook, I'm doing laundry..."

I respond: "I told you if you marry me you will live like Cinderella!"

I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry

There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites.

When I do laundry I tell people I'm going to 1943

Cause I got to separate the whites and colors

What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room?

You washer and dryer.

Laundry

A shy young couple invent a name for making love "doing the laundry." One night the husband wakes up and asks his wife if she wants to "do the laundry."She complains that she's got a headache so the husband goes back to sleep. In the morning he asks if she'd like to "do the laundry," but his wife co...

Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The ...

Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs!

She made me do it all.

Newlywed Laundry

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door...

A man and a woman had a child together, but after two years the child had not yet said a word...

...After two years of waiting, the child suddenly says: "Grandpa, grandpa!" Ofcourse the parents are very happy that the child has finally said his first words, but the next day grandma calls and tells that grandfather has passed away.

After two weeks the child suddenly says: "Grandma, Grandm...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.