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Laundry Jokes

I needed to do the laundry, but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was, and started checking pens for ink. When I went to toss all the junk, I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge. That's when I realized a juice jug had leake...

My Neighbor always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days. One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I should hang my laundry."

"That's a very interesting method," I replied, "but what if ...

Why was Billy Joel's laundry still wet?

Because he didn't start the dryer

What does the ocean use for laundry?

Tide!

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

A husband texts his wife from the office, "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"

Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back.

"Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"

"OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!", she texted back.

"Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my f...

My wife and I were arguing as to whose turn it is to do the laundry.

Finally, …I threw in the towel.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turns out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry.

Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!
Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe the...

How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh?

A Washington.

Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry?

She had a filthy habit

Did you hear about the thousands of laundry machines that were found on the beach?

They washed a shore...

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So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

What happened to the guy who mixed up his Epilepsy tablets with his laundry tablets?

His clothes don't fit anymore!

What kind of jokes do laundry like?

Dry Humor

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

What laundry detergent do bodybuilders use?

Gainz

I was bringing my neatly arranged laundry back to the cupboard when I tripped.

I saw the problem unfolding right before my eyes.

Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

This went on but eventually I folded.

I created a new gig-economy app for laundry called Laundr.

Unfortunately, the only thing anyone seems to use it for is washer-dryer hookups.

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the ther...

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The newlywed couple were a bit shy, so they called having sex ‘doing the laundry’

One night the husband says he’d like to do some laundry. The wife says she’s tired and declines. Husband leaves the bed. She starts feeling guilty, so when hubby comes back she says she’s ready to do some laundry’. He says:

Don’t worry. It was a small load so I did it by hand.

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Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:

"Nut screws washers and bolts."

Due to turning into laundry detergent, I was unable to go to work today.

What can I say? My hands were Tide.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

I witnessed my wife trip and drop all the laundry.

She got red with embarassment and said: "Did you see that?"

I said: "I watched it all unfold."

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays

The couple live in the city and the parents live on a farm. The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life and after a couple of days he’s pretty bored. His girlfriend’s father comes in and says “Hey young fella if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting...

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The cops in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

Did you hear about the nun who used to punt her laundry into the hamper every day?

Last I heard she kicked the habit.

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

A wife confronts her husband while doing the laundry.

"Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?" she demands.

"No," he says, looking puzzled. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"

'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese re...

why are racists so good at doing laundry?

They always separate the whites with the colors

Laundry makes me feel like a president

Because I’m washing tons

What do you call laundry that loves ICP?

A juggaload

Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry

A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by a Chinese man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How did you come to have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. The man explained in very...

My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.

[blonde] A brunette was doing her laundry and asked her blonde friend to find a match for her sock.

"Why" the blonde asked. "Are you going to set in on fire?

My wife looked me dead in the eyes while doing laundry and told me she's not a maid...

I told her of course you're not a maid baby....Maids get paid to do the laundry!

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Did you hear about the male pornstar who accidentally put explosives in with his laundry?

He blew his load everywhere!

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.

Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*

What's a laundry machine's favourite chocolate?

Lindt

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

What's the difference between a woman and a laundry machine?

When I dump a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around after

There was a robbery in the laundry room.

Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.

You know what the terms "no mercy" and "dirty laundry" have in common?

No quarters.

Last night, I did the dishes, vacuumed the house, hung up our laundry and mopped the floors while my wife was resting.

She was incredibly thankful, and after I finished she came up to me and gave me a massive hug, saying "What would I ever do without you?"

The dishes would be a good start.

Why are Goalkeepers always doing laundry?

They love having clean sheets

Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.

Mount Wash More.

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Hello Baby!!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well I can...

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Mrs Jones has finished her laundry and now she is outside hanging it up to dry.

She looks up and sees a flock of terns flying nearby. She goes in the kitchen for a coffee and when she comes back out she sees that the terns have flown over and crapped on her laundry. Upset with what has just happened, she takes the laundry down, goes back in the house and washes it again. She c...

Where do you get quarters for laundry whem you in the hood?

The liquor store!

Back in college, I could barely pay my bills, even having to choose between laundry detergent and a small breakfast snack.

Sometimes it was All or muffin.

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

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Why do Klu Klux Klan members love doing laundry?

It's the only time they're able to separate whites from colors without getting any shit for it!

I was offered a job in a monastery laundry

I decided not to go through with it, I didn't want to pick up any dirty habits.

Three wives

Three women are chatting, a French, an American and a Russian.

The French says: "After we got married, I told my husband right away that I was not going to cook, do dishes and laundry or clean the house. He disappeared, I didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with a housemai...

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

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What does a young white female pornstar and my laundry have in common?

We’re both doing a load of blacks

Why aren't the people eating laundry soap injecting it instead?

Seems like it'd be a little Tidier

My dishwasher and laundry machine broke today.

We had to rush her to the hospital immediately.

I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day.

In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.

I went diving with a bunch of laundry.

It was wrapped in a waterproof bag. I went in to gaze at the beautiful sealife. When I went back to the surface I noticed some of my clothes were missing.

Let's see I had 8 shirts, 2 socks, and 9 pants prior to diving and now I have 8 shirts, 2 socks, and 3 pants.

My friend asked me...

The best part of being rich and famous is someone else does your dirty laundry.

They hang all your Versace, Armani, Epstein and Gucci, no questions asked.

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A woman was putting away laundry when the kitten ran across her feet.

Startled, she dropped the pants she was holding. Her husband laughs and says “damn, you mean I’ve been trying to get those off of you for all these years and your drop your pants for a little pussy”

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I wish laundry could masturbate

Then it could just do itself.

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Mom is doing laundry

It's Tuesday and the stay home mom is doing laundry. She picks up the clothes from her hamper then proceeds to her daughter's room. Knocks on the door, walks in, asks her daughter for her dirty clothes at which point her daughter hands over a small hamperfull. Mom then proceeds to her son's room kno...

How is it, that the capital city of USA is also the place of most successful laundry bussines?

Because they're washing tons.

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

F...

I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean.

Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.

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little boy walks by his mom's room and sees her fingering herself

She's in front of the mirror saying "I need a man, I need a man"
Weird the boy thinks and goes on about his business.
The next day, the same thing, "I need a man, I need a man"
Bitch is crazy, thinks the boy. Oh well, he goes on about his business.
The third day he walks by and a guy is ...

Did u just stand there while I fell over and dropped all the laundry?

Yes I watched it all unfold

Why do white supremacists like laundry?

Because they get to separate coloureds from whites.

Now that Laundry Folding Machine has been invented

Theres no used getting married.

A man went to a laundry service

He drop his set of pants for dry cleaning.

As he was leaving, the clerk says "come again"

He turns around and said "Nope, this time its mayonaisse"

A young boy was at the corner of a grocery store picking out a box of laundry detergent.

A young boy was at the corner of a grocery store picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.' 'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's ...

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

My laundry business makes tens of millions a year

Really helped that I started it across the street from GoldmanSacks

Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?

Because red shirts die easily.

I was buying some laundry detergent the other day...

While I was paying, the cashier slapped me hard.

"What was that for!?" I exclaimed.

She told me "No pain, No Gain"

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My Weed dealer needed to do his laundry

So I sold him a dime bag of quarters, but I cut it with some canadian shit.

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

My mom caught me lying about smuggling Tide pods out of the house instead of doing the laundry

So I had to come clean

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This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry

There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites.

I really need to find a way to finish my laundry.

I always start off strong but halfway through I throw in the towel.

I was doing the laundry today and I started reading the side of the detergent and it said…

Tough on Grime.

Smashes Dirt.

Hard on Stains.

I thought, wow, that last one's a bit too much information…

What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry?

"Today is a good day to dry."

Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist...

...then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding.

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I'm going to dress up as laundry next Halloween

bitches love doing laundry.

Dirty laundry!!!

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"The laundry is not very clean",she said." She doesn't know how wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her...

My grandpa always told me that cooking and cleaning was a woman's job, so I was surprised when he confessed he does his own laundry...

I guess he's really passionate about separating whites from coloreds.

A woman says to her husband,

"You don't know how to do anything for yourself. I cook for both of us. I clean up. I do laundry. I do the finances. You don't know how to do any of that. Now look at our friends Frank and Joyce. Frank knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, and pay bills. If something were to happen to Joyce, Frank w...

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Doing laundry is a lot like masturbating

the longer I wait the larger my load

What US state has a lot of dirty laundry?

Washington

What do bondage enthusiasts use to do their laundry?

Tied pods.

How did Nelson Mandela do laundry while in prison?

He used one part water, a part corn starch, and a part Tide.

It's okay, laundry

Nobody is doing me either

Yo momma is like cheap laundry detergent

Not as soft, doesn't smell as good, but gets way more loads

Hookers should use laundry mats as fronts for their brothels

They both charge by the load.

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Why was there semen on the clean laundry?

When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"

What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room?

You washer and dryer.

Laundry

A shy young couple invent a name for making love "doing the laundry." One night the husband wakes up and asks his wife if she wants to "do the laundry."She complains that she's got a headache so the husband goes back to sleep. In the morning he asks if she'd like to "do the laundry," but his wife co...

My grandpa used to say that dating was like doing laundry.

Never mix the whites with the colors.

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