A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

Dry clean only?

I am the guy who needs his wife to help with the laundry.

I look at the tag on clothes, and I don't know what that stuff means.

Dry Clean Only ?????

Well yeah, I ain't gonna dry it dirty!

Funny Laundering

My wife saw me seperating my clothes into "whites" and "blacks" for the wash.

She accused me of Laundry Segregation but I much prefer to think of it as Ethnic Cleansing.

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I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day

A tourist in L.A. is walking through Chinatown

When he sees a sign saying, “Hans Olafsen’s Laundry.” Curious, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. “How did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen’s Laundry?” asks the tourist. The old man says, “It’s named after me. I’m Hans Olafsen.” “That’s an unusual ...

Why do white supremacists like laundry?

Because they get to separate coloureds from whites.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because someone didn't do their laundry this week...

My wife and I had a long argument last night as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually I folded.

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(NSFW) Sheila and Barry...

Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, e...

What do you do when someone is having a seizure in a bath tub?

Throw in the laundry.

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
...

Whats the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

My Laundry Timeline

Load the washer: 5 minutes

Wash cycle: 30 minutes

Dryer cycle: 50 minutes

Put clothes away: 7-10 business days

Be careful when sharing jokes...

I read a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your laundry in."

I decided to repeat the joke at work the other day to some co-workers and when I finished, one guy got really offended and that I shouldn't tell jokes like that beca...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

The best part of being rich and famous is someone else does your dirty laundry.

They hang all your Versace, Armani, Epstein and Gucci, no questions asked.

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

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Shitty pun

In an Irish home while the father was cooking, the mom finished doing the laundry and asked the father if he needed help.The father then says that he is done and hands her a knife for her to chop the tomatoes for the salad, but she drops the knife that ended up on her foot.
As the son rushed to...

I was offered a job in a monastery laundry

I decided not to go through with it, I didn't want to pick up any dirty habits.

Due to turning into laundry detergent, I was unable to go to work today.

What can I say? My hands were Tide.

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I saw nothing.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After t...

History Fact!

In the 1700s men were attracted to woman's natural scent. To stop from being accosted by too many gentlemen callers, a product was developed. Perfumey soaps applied to the clothes would remove and mask any odors. A whole new industry sprung up!

That industry? Laundry DeterGents.

A clean dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” ...

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A man gets home after a long day at work

He sits down on the couch and calls out to his wife "Hey babe, will you get me a beer before it starts?" She gladly goes to the fridge and gets him a beer, pops the top and brings it to him then goes into the kitchen to start dinner. About half an hour later she hears "Hey babe, will you get me a be...

Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.

Mount Wash More.

Why are Goalkeepers always doing laundry?

They love having clean sheets

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

A husband buys a car for his wife...

So she can run some errands while hes at work. He gets home from work and sees the car parked a couple houses down. He ask the wife:

Husband: Why is the car parked their?

Wife: I went to the grocery store and on the way back, it just stopped. Can you fix it?

Husband: What d...

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Seaman Jack

Seaman Jack joined the navy. When he was little he wanted to become a carrier pilot, then when he was a teenager he figured maybe he was only good for a rear admiral serving on a missile destroyer, and when he barely graduated high school, he decided well maybe he'll just be a sailor.

And the...

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A woman was putting away laundry when the kitten ran across her feet.

Startled, she dropped the pants she was holding. Her husband laughs and says “damn, you mean I’ve been trying to get those off of you for all these years and your drop your pants for a little pussy”

My daughter wants a new iPhone so to teach her a lesson...

I told her that she can have one if she washes the dishes, sweeps the floor, takes out the trash, does the laundry, mows the lawn, walks the dog, dusts the shelves and helps me cook every day.

The lesson?

iPhones come form child labour.

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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and I found a bunch of inappropriate magazines."

"What did you do?" the second nun asked.

"I threw them in the trash, of course."

"Well," said the second nun, "I was in the Father's room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms."

"What did you do?" the first nun asked.

"I poked holes in them."

"Oh, crap,...

A man goes into a pet store

In the pet store he asks for something interesting, and the worker brings out a dog

“I don’t want a dog, I want something interesting.” Says the man.

So the worker goes in the back of the store and comes back to the man with a snake.

The man says, “This is interesting, but I wan...

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A woman got shot by 7 bullets in war

She went to the infirmary,where she had surgery to remove the bullets


Doctor : -You will live a normal live,I couldn't get out 2 bullets but they will come out naturally


Then the woman goes on her way and has 2 twins,a boy and a girl


After 15 years,the mom is doing ...

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A guy in my town is hiding from the cops after he was caught having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

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Husband is getting ready to go out drinking with his buddies.

Wife is ironing his shirt and as he's putting it on, she gives him a warning about his drinking. "Remember, if you get so drunk that you throw up on your clothes. I'm going to be really upset". He assures her that he will be good and heads out to the bar to meet his friends. Of course he begins to d...

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

Where does Frozone put his laundry?

Down his super chute.

Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The ...

What do bondage enthusiasts use to do their laundry?

Tied pods.

If you see a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, you know what that means...

I dropped them trying to carry all my laundry in one load

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Cinderella

My wife told me: "I'm sick of you, since I got married i work, cook, I'm doing laundry..."

I respond: "I told you if you marry me you will live like Cinderella!"

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Mom is doing laundry

It's Tuesday and the stay home mom is doing laundry. She picks up the clothes from her hamper then proceeds to her daughter's room. Knocks on the door, walks in, asks her daughter for her dirty clothes at which point her daughter hands over a small hamperfull. Mom then proceeds to her son's room kno...

My wife found my hard sock in the laundry.

She winked at me and said "Have you been using cornstarch?"

I said "No, it's just my Johnson's baby powder."

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

Now that Laundry Folding Machine has been invented

Theres no used getting married.

I actually have a washboard stomach.

It's just that I also have a load of laundry to do.

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A girl asked me to have sex with her

I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her an...

Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

A man comes home after a long day, his wife then hits him in the back of the head with a frying pan

He clutches his head in pain asking her, “Honey why? Why did you do that?” She answers, “When I was doing your laundry I found a receipt in your pocket with a woman’s name on it.” He responds, “That’s why you hit me? Honey Mary-Ann is a horse I bet on, that’s the receipt for my bet.” She accepts th...

My friend Steve was looking to rent a house.

Steve's wealthy, so he had two realtors competing to lease him their latest properties. The first realtor opened his pitch bragging about the laundry list of folks who had rented property from him.
"I've rented out properties to Buddha himself, to four Norse gods, even Christ and a few of his dis...

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