A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

Before i die im going to eat a whole bag of un-poped popcorn

Hopefully it will make the cremation a bit more interesting

Cashier: Scans Condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”

Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

I was eating a bag of Goldfish the other day

With horror, the Petco worker asked me to leave the store.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, plastic, and dangerous to kids. You put groceries in the other.

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

LPT: Use a name brand shopping bag as a trash bag while traveling in Europe

Once the bag is full, take some photos of your surroundings looking away from the shopping bag. By the time you look back, you no longer will have trash to get rid of.

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

Would you like this in a bag?

Man at the counter :A box of condoms, please.  
Clerk :That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?  
Man at the counter :Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

I like my women like I like my plastic bags....

Degradable.

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied.....

Thanks for the Baghdad

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

A staggering drunk knocks over a pregnant lady who is carrying a bag of groceries...

2 eggs and a bottle of ketchup fall and break to the sidewalk. The drunk say "Sorry lady, but it would have died anyway. Its eyes were too far apart.

Beer nuts for $1.25 a bag.

Deer nuts are under a buck.

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

There was a mystery involving an office worker and a small bag.

It was a brief case.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes home to his wife and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

“Oh my god, what should I pack?!” She replies

“I don’t care! Just pack something and get the fuck OUT!”

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air...

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

Bought my wife a matching bag and belt for Valentine’s Day.

She should be able to fix the vacuum cleaner and get it running now.

A friend of mine started taking baby Ed class where they use bags of flour to represent babies

3 days later he came to class with a cake claiming his baby went through puberty.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old woman was walking with two big plastic bags. One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman : Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills.
Old lady : Oh thank you so much sir.
Policeman : By the way, where did you get all of this money ? Did you steal?
Old lady : Oh no! Well it's a long story.
my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A paper bag walks into the doctors because he's feeling a little down

Has some tests and come back a week later.

Doctor says, "I'm sorry son, but you're HIV positive"

The bag is in disbelief "How can this happen, I'm a paper bag?"

"Have you ever had unprotected sex?"

"We'll no, I'm a paper bag"

"What about sharing needles"

"No...

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

What does a push up bra and a bag of chip have in common?

Once open, you realise they are half-empty

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a Tea tasting festival, the guy conducting said, the best way to enjoy a cup of Tea was to agitate the bag, so I went home.

And slapped her ass a couple of times.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex in a car in public is like eating from a noisy bag of chips in Church...

Everyone will look at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bag of money and the stallion

A man enters a bar and sees a bag of money on the floor with a stallion next to it. He asks the bartender what's the deal. The bartender says: "If you can make the stallion laugh, all the money in the bag is yours to take."
The man goes over to the stallion and whispers something in his ear and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy walks into a bar, takes a seat and puts a bag onto the bar

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and then a little seat. Then this little guy comes out of the bag takes a bow, has a sits down and start playing the piano. A man with a hat sitting next to the man with the bag exclaims, "That's amazing! How did you get this little guy?"

...

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

Few minute...

Be careful if you use the Bethesda duffel bag.

Your stuff might fallout.

Why do crows never check their bags at the airport?

They prefer carrion.

Some douche bag hit me from behind in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.

I mean really, how low can you go? |

What do you call a Scottish person with a colostomy bag?

A human bagpipe.

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

A lawyer gets on a bus, sits down, places his bag on the next sit and says:

I rest my case.

Last week my dog ate the bag of scrabble tiles.

Ever since then he has been leaving little messages around the house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy.

He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”

What's the difference between a 4-year-old boy and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a 49th story window.

What did the Tibetan boy say when his father asked for help carrying his bags?

Sure Pa.

I saw a man shovelling horse poo off the road, into a bag

So I stopped and asked him why.

He told me he was taking it home, to put on his rhubarb.

Fair enough, but I prefer custard

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Guy walks into a bar with an old doctors bag

A Guy walks into a bar with an old doctors bag

Guy walks up to the bar and the bartender says, "Hey guy whats with the old doctors bag you got there"

Guy says, "Its a magic bag, it grants wishes"

Bartender, "No shit?"

Guy opens the bag and a 1 foot tall guy hops out with ...

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It"s disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All the girls in the office have been laughing at my man bag.

You'd think they'd never seen a shaved scrotum before.

How did the bag of fertilizer help the vegetable farmer pay his mortgage?

It raised his celery...

Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

What do you call a bag of tea that's gone through the wash?

Linty.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them...

Just got banned from weight watchers club, after I dropped a bag of chocolate Maltesers on the floor.

It was the best god damn game of hungry hippos I have ever seen.

A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.

He then proceded to beat all records.

Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"

No, just leave it in the carton.

I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college

Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...

You know the best part about being the only person at the gym that uses a speed bag?

There’s no punchline

My bag had a hole in it.

Rip

Today my wife pointed out that she had eye bags.

I said that now she can go window shopping.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife packed her bags and headed for the front door with our son.

She said, "We're going. Because I'm sick of you objectifying me all the time!"

I said, "I'll miss you two."

She yelled, "I'm sure you'll miss him more than me!"

I said, "Him? I was referring to your tits."

You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your ca...

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

My wife is so negative... I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag

But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'

'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

Did you hear Delta is no longer allowing road kill in checked bags?

It’s only carrion

My wife handed me a bag of clothes

She wanted me to donate it to the poor and hungry. When I threw it in the trash she got angry. I told her, any one that can fit in those clothes dosen't know hunger.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

How do you get an elephant in a Safeway carrier bag?

You take the "F" out of "way"


(It took me a while, so don't feel bad, try not to spoil it!)

Trash bags are something you buy to throw away.

They seem waste-full.

My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes

And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a h...

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

A teacher ask his students, what would you pick between a bag of money or knowledge?

Student: The bag of money!

Teacher: No you dumbass! Don't you know that knowledge is worth more than money?

Student: Alright, so what would you pick then Sir?

Teacher: Knowledge of course!

Student: Well I guess we always want what we can't have.

Why is there always dust at the bottom of a bag of cereal?

It's a sign Thanos has ensured you get a "balanced" breakfast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An asshole, a money hoarder, and a bag of shit walk into a bar

the bartender says "what would you like today Mr. Pai?"

Why won’t the mother deodorant let her daughter carry a bag?

Because she is an anti-purse-parent.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag...

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pul...

How does a muslim buy a punching bag?

Gets married

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.

"What do you think you are doing?" she s...

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks if it needs help with its bags

“No thanks,” it replies, “I’m travelling light.”

When I'm buying milk, the clerk always says "Do you want your milk in a bag?"

I always say "No just keep it in the carton."
I like to see who's awake at Target. :)

I bought condoms at a store and the cashier said would you like a bag with that

I replied saying No she's rather pretty actually

How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the 's' out of 'Safe' and the 'f' out of 'way'.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

A loving husband of many years turns to his wife and says: “I have to be honest with you. In truth you’re like a plastic bag to me”

“You take my breath away.”

What do you call a baker holding a bag of sugar in each hand?

Ambidextrose

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.

Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the cinema it said I could get an extra large bag for £6.

I thought, "That's cheap, but where would I fuck her??"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between EA and the bag of shit?

EA wouldn't give you the bag for free.

A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...

Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

Punching bag is hitting me back, Any advice?

Edit: Never-mind we got a divorce

What's the difference between a 5 lb bag of onions and some bagpipes?

No one cries when you cut up the bagpipes.

Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!