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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

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How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

Wife: I have bag full of clothes I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in trash? It's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

What’s the difference between a plastic bag and a blue haired girl

It takes a plastic bag thousands of years to break down but blue haired girls can have a breakdown in a second

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

My wife is leaving me because I'm too lazy. "Pack your bags and go," she said..

"You pack them." I replied.

What do you call bags of cocaine materials?

A crackoon.

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.

The girl replied: Thanks for the Baghdad

What's the worst thing about letting the cat out of the bag?

Once it's out, you can't ever get it back in

What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

When you pull them out in class suddenly everyone wants to be your friend

Got the missus a new bag and belt for her birthday.

The Hoover works a treat now.

I took the dog out with poo bags earlier

The wife hates it when I call her that

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

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I started selling Bagpipes made from colostomy bags on Amazon

Needless to say, they sound like shit.

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A man put a bag of money in his attic.

He told his wife, “This way, when I die, I can take the money with me on my way to Heaven.”
When the man died, his wife went up into the attic, and sure enough, the bag of money was still there.
She said, “I knew he should have put it in the basement.”

Why wasn't the food lion bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?

Because baggers cant be juicers.

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

Two Aggies bag a deer

Two Aggies had bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about 1 mile left to reach the truck."

A third hunter saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the de...

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

What the difference between a dead baby and a bag of cocaine.

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out of a window

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A man walking down the street saw an old woman carrying two bags in her hands, one of which was filled with money.

He asked her, "Where did an old woman like yourself get a bag of money?"

She said, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to take a piss they stick their dicks in a hole in my fence and piss all over my flowerbed. It became a problem, so I sat next to the hole with...

A rabbi, a priest and an imam discuss about what they do with the money their community put into their offering bag.

The rabbi says “I draw a small circle onto the ground, then I throw all the money into the air. The coins that land in the circle I keep for myself. The rest is for Jehovah and the synagogue”

The imam replies “I do almost the same. I draw a big circle onto the group, throw the money and every...

Teacher arrested on airplane after bag was searched

A protractor, a ruler, a calculator, and a book of graph paper. He was charged with possessing implements of math instruction

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen

Upon leaving the mans apartment, the officer found the mans bag at the bottom of the stairwell

it was a brief case

Credit to : u/CommonSchemeForYou

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and said...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

How do you make any bag of chips into a family size

Give it to an orphan!

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

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Take my $5, I’ll take your bag!

***this is a joke to tell your friends, family, coworkers, etc.

So I’m at a Dunkin’ Donuts, waiting on line for a coffee. As I fumble through my wallet to have my cash out and ready, I drop a $5 bill.

This little boy, out of *no where* comes up, snatches my $5 off the floor, and runs...

What do you get when you cross a dog and a bag of weed?

A dooberman.

I was out camping one night just laying down in my sleeping bag and looking up at the stars wondering....

Where the hell is my tent?

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags.

He asked “What are you doing?” She says “I’ve had it with this life! I’m going to Vegas and let men have their way with me for $1000 a night!”

Man says “Ok! I’m coming with you!”

“Why?”

“I want to see how you live on $2000 a year!”

So Trader Joe's has a new policy wear you cant bring in bags anymore...

I was walking into Trader Joe's with my reusable bags as an elderly couple was walking out.
Elder Man: You cant go in with those bags
Me: What?
EM: You cant go in with those old bags
Me: What are you talking about?
EM: Its the new policy you cant bring in old bags anymore
Me: That...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...

2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!

Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"

The Catholic Church banned plastic bags from its premises.

They consider them to be sac-religious.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

I'm using a plastic bag as a face mask.

I think it gave me the Rona cuz now I'm dizzy and short of breath.

A guy was riding his bike across the border with a bag

The border police waves him aside and ask what it’s in the bag. He answered „sand“ and after the police looked into it they confirmed it’s really sand and let him pass

The next day the guy wanted to cross the border again with a bag full of sand. The police were skeptical but they haven’t fo...

Visited North Korea over the summer, but had to leave one of my bags there.

On the bright side, that raised their GDP by 0.5%

What's the difference between a bag of chips and an Ak47?

It's easier to get an AK47 in Florida

A blonde is throwing out an entire trash bag of empty shampoo bottles.

Her neighbor approaches her and says, "wow. that's a lot of shampoo bottles." She says, "of course! I go through one bottle a day. Just following directions." The neighbor, perplexed, says, "what do you mean? Following directions?" The blonde says, "well it says to 'Rinse, Lather, And Repeat' but it...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra Nuggets dog chow

for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probabl...

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

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I hate having sex in a sleeping bag, it’s too tight, you get really sweaty...

and it’s hard to breathe because your scout leader’s hand is covering your mouth

As per government instruction, to minimise the spread, I'll be auctioning off bags of water for the next 14 days.

Not sure why I've been forced to sell ice so late.

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Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

What's the difference between a plastic bag and Micheal Jackson?

One is made of plastic and a danger to children, the other holds your groceries.

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A man arrives to the airport with three bags

A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”

The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossibl...

I tried opening a bag of Lays, but it exploded on me.

Now I've got a chip on my shoulder.

Cashier: Hey man, do you have enough bags for your groceries?

Me: Totes

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Who says eye bags are not sexy?

Yesterday I went to the zoo and a panda fell in love with me.

To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -

You can hide but you can't run.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

I tried 360° noscoping a guy using an AWP and accidentally landed a headshot , it was awesome. Then I proceeded to T-bag him.

However the judge was not impressed and gave me a 14 years in prison.

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

My wife told me to pack my bags and hit the road because me being a literalist was bad for her.

Then she yelled at me, but I’m not sure if it was because I only brought grocery bags with me or the fact that I should have used the baseball bat, and not the hammer

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

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One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes...

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smar...

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

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I bought a bag called "kaka" online today

But I'm from Norway so it doesnt mean shit to me.

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duck walks into a bar and puts down his tool bag

the bar tender is speechless. He’s even more amazed when the duck orders a drink. the same thing happens the next day. same routine. the duck walks in, puts down his tool bag, takes a seat, orders a drink. after a week of this the barman works up the courage and says to the duck “I hope you don’t mi...

I saw my wife coming home with two big grocery bags, so I shouted "Hold on, honey, you don't have to carry both bags."

Then I added: "Why don't you go twice?"

I file a lawsuit against the airport because I lost my bag in there.

Let’s just say that I lost the case.

What’s the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?

The location of the dirtbag

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

A pyromaniac got a bag of coal for Christmas...

Was he naughty or nice?

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

A man walked into the bedroom and he wife was packing a bag of clothes with a scowl on her face

"Where in the hell are you off to?" He asked

The wife replied, "Im off to New York!"

"Whats so special about New York?" The man asked

"In New york i could get paid 400$ for what i do for you for free!" She shouted

The husband didnt say a word and started slamming clothes ...

Some douche bag stole my anti-depressants from my bathroom during a house party.

I hope he's happy now.

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

Man comes home from work and yells up the stairs: "Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"

Wife answers "Ooh, wonderful! Should I pack for the mountains or pack for the beach?"

He replies "I don't care, just get the hell out!"

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Popewas on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if the ...

At the store, the cashier asks, “Do you want the milk in the bag?”

“I think it’s fine in the jug”

Did you hear about the lawyer who came to the court with an empty bag?

It was a brief case.

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

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A man and his new hunting dog

A man is sitting at the bar of his local gun club with a few of his buddies after finishing their trap shoot. As they enjoy a cold beer, a man and his dog enter the bar. After a few minutes of pleasantries, the man with the dog says "Yea, this dog is incredible. I don't have to sit around and wait f...

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One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.

One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag.

A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills

Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills )

Policeman: Btw, where did you get all o...

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

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Some longy things are talking.

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber goes: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar an onions for a month!"

Penis goes: "Well, when I get big, fat and ...

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

Three men stop for lunch

Three men stop for lunch on a construction site while working on the 10th floor. The first one, Chang from China says "I am so bored with what I have been having for lunch. If I have noodles again for lunch, I am going to jump off the building" And he opens his lunch to find noodles, and promptly ju...

What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle?

The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside.

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7 years old boy returns bag to police with $12000 inside bag

I hope my kids arent this fucking stupid

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

A man is going across the border with different bicycles everyday with bags of sand on the handle bars

The border patrol searches methodically and carefully everyday in the sand and they are never able to find anything. An agent retired 7 years later meets the man in a cafe while they’re both getting a coffee. The man asked if he could buy the drink but a question would have to be answered. The man ...

Unpacking my bag after arriving at the hotel in Spain and realise I forgot to pack my toiletries bag...

After the long flight I desperately needed some stuff from my bag so without hesitation went to the closest shop. I asked the Spanish man behind the counter if he had any deodorant, he replied in a broken English accent “ball or aerosol” confused I said “no no just for my armpits please”

If I sleep in a sleeping bag...

Is it a knapsack?

I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

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A young man walks into a store...

He goes into the store to buy some condoms. He and his girlfriend have finally decided that it’s time to have sex but she demands he wears a condom. He reluctantly abides her request and goes to buy them. At the register he admits to the cashier that he’s finally going to have sex with his girlfrien...

A vulture is about to board a plane.

The desk attendant stops him and motions to his bag, “Carrion luggage costs extra, sir.”

What did one popcorn bag say to the other?

I bet you're pretty pop-ular.







Please don't kill me. . .

Check my bags please!

So I checked in at the airport the other day and I said please check this bag to San Francisco and my second bag I would like to go to New York and I will be flying to Chicago today.

The representative behind the counter says, “I’m sorry but we can’t do that sir.”

I respond, “WTF that’...

One man goes to India and visits a Buddhist Monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

A boy goes hysterically running to his father

Father: what's the problem dear?

Son: I just found out that ghosts are real!

Father: Nonsense! Who told you that?

Son: our maid told me that she has seen ghosts.

Father: Quick! Pack your bags! We're leaving right now!

Son: why? What happened?

Father: we don'...

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose and managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two lads objected strongly:

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take the...

Louis Vuitton bag

Why is it that a French woman never managed to sell a $80 Louis Vuitton bag in the US?

She kept saying it's $420.

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

I asked my friend to go to and get groceries

I said “Get me some eggs, and if they have tomatoes, get seven.”

He said “alright” and left

When he came back, he had seven cartons of eggs in the shopping bag.

When i asked him why he had bought so many eggs, he smiled and told me: “They had tomatoes”

Me: A box of condoms, please.

Cashier: That’ll be $3.99. Do you want a bag with it?
 
Me: Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

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PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

NSFW Old Lady and Two bags

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bat...

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

The professor and student

The professor goes to the university canteen for lunch, a student sits across from him at the same table.
The professor gets annoyed with him and said: "A pig and bird do not eat together".
Student: "I apologize. Then I'll fly to another table".
The professor is very frustrated about the...

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

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What's the difference between a tea bag and a tampon?

You don't know?

Then I'm never coming for a cup of tea at your place!

My girlfriend always yells at me when I let the cat out of the bag

"STOP PUTTING MY CAT IN BAGS!"

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

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A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

My wife complains that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my bags and right

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The usual priest if off, so a stand in takes his spot

All is going well until a woman confesses to giving a man a blowjob. The priest doesn't know what to do so he nips out of the confessional booth to ask for help. He runs into a choir boy and asks him "what does the usual priest give for a blow job?"

The choir boy replies "normally a bag of sw...

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Our smart devices are spying on us, and I have proof!

I used my smart camera to take a dick pic, and within an hour the algorithm started sending me targeted ads for army helmets and bean bag chairs.

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