A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied.....

Thanks for the Baghdad

A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'

'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air...

Cashier: Scans Condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”

Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy walks into a bar, takes a seat and puts a bag onto the bar

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and then a little seat. Then this little guy comes out of the bag takes a bow, has a sits down and start playing the piano. A man with a hat sitting next to the man with the bag exclaims, "That's amazing! How did you get this little guy?"

...

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

When the police came to take his statement they found the bag at the bottom of the stairs.

It was a brief case.

Last week my dog ate the bag of scrabble tiles.

Ever since then he has been leaving little messages around the house.

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of starburst, and a cold drink...

nowadays they got cameras everywhere.

Why do crows never check their bags at the airport?

They prefer carrion.

What does a push up bra and a bag of chip have in common?

Once open, you realise they are half-empty

Right before I die, I’m going to eat an entire bag unpopped popcorn

It will make the cremation very interesting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bag of money and the stallion

A man enters a bar and sees a bag of money on the floor with a stallion next to it. He asks the bartender what's the deal. The bartender says: "If you can make the stallion laugh, all the money in the bag is yours to take."
The man goes over to the stallion and whispers something in his ear and...

Be careful if you use the Bethesda duffel bag.

Your stuff might fallout.

What do you call a Scottish person with a colostomy bag?

A human bagpipe.

A lawyer gets on a bus, sits down, places his bag on the next sit and says:

I rest my case.

What did the Tibetan boy say when his father asked for help carrying his bags?

Sure Pa.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

Few minute...

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

Some douche bag hit me from behind in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.

I mean really, how low can you go? |

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes through the door and announces, “Pack your bags, Honey, because ... I just won the lottery!!!”

His wife comes down the stairs and says, “Oh my God!!! Oh my God!!! Well, what do you think? Should I pack for the beach or the mountains??!!”

He replies, “I don’t care, just get the fuck out!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy.

He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Guy walks into a bar with an old doctors bag

A Guy walks into a bar with an old doctors bag

Guy walks up to the bar and the bartender says, "Hey guy whats with the old doctors bag you got there"

Guy says, "Its a magic bag, it grants wishes"

Bartender, "No shit?"

Guy opens the bag and a 1 foot tall guy hops out with ...

I saw a man shovelling horse poo off the road, into a bag

So I stopped and asked him why.

He told me he was taking it home, to put on his rhubarb.

Fair enough, but I prefer custard

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All the girls in the office have been laughing at my man bag.

You'd think they'd never seen a shaved scrotum before.

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It"s disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He...

How did the bag of fertilizer help the vegetable farmer pay his mortgage?

It raised his celery...

What do you call a bag of tea that's gone through the wash?

Linty.

What's the difference between a 4-year-old boy and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a 49th story window.

Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

You know the best part about being the only person at the gym that uses a speed bag?

There’s no punchline

You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them...

Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"

No, just leave it in the carton.

Today my wife pointed out that she had eye bags.

I said that now she can go window shopping.

My bag had a hole in it.

Rip

A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.

He then proceded to beat all records.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife packed her bags and headed for the front door with our son.

She said, "We're going. Because I'm sick of you objectifying me all the time!"

I said, "I'll miss you two."

She yelled, "I'm sure you'll miss him more than me!"

I said, "Him? I was referring to your tits."

Just got banned from weight watchers club, after I dropped a bag of chocolate Maltesers on the floor.

It was the best god damn game of hungry hippos I have ever seen.

I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college

Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...

Did you hear Delta is no longer allowing road kill in checked bags?

It’s only carrion

My wife is so negative... I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag

But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

How do you get an elephant in a Safeway carrier bag?

You take the "F" out of "way"


(It took me a while, so don't feel bad, try not to spoil it!)

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your ca...

A robber walks into a gas station and demands the clerk fill his bag with diamonds

"Sorry sir, all we have are these Juuls."

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

My wife handed me a bag of clothes

She wanted me to donate it to the poor and hungry. When I threw it in the trash she got angry. I told her, any one that can fit in those clothes dosen't know hunger.

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

A teacher ask his students, what would you pick between a bag of money or knowledge?

Student: The bag of money!

Teacher: No you dumbass! Don't you know that knowledge is worth more than money?

Student: Alright, so what would you pick then Sir?

Teacher: Knowledge of course!

Student: Well I guess we always want what we can't have.

My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes

And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...

Why is there always dust at the bottom of a bag of cereal?

It's a sign Thanos has ensured you get a "balanced" breakfast.

Why won’t the mother deodorant let her daughter carry a bag?

Because she is an anti-purse-parent.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

I like my women like I like my plastic bags

Degradable

A loving husband of many years turns to his wife and says: “I have to be honest with you. In truth you’re like a plastic bag to me”

“You take my breath away.”

Trash bags are something you buy to throw away.

They seem waste-full.

What do you call a baker holding a bag of sugar in each hand?

Ambidextrose

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks if it needs help with its bags

“No thanks,” it replies, “I’m travelling light.”

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.

"What do you think you are doing?" she s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An asshole, a money hoarder, and a bag of shit walk into a bar

the bartender says "what would you like today Mr. Pai?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the cinema it said I could get an extra large bag for £6.

I thought, "That's cheap, but where would I fuck her??"

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag...

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pul...

When I'm buying milk, the clerk always says "Do you want your milk in a bag?"

I always say "No just keep it in the carton."
I like to see who's awake at Target. :)

Punching bag is hitting me back, Any advice?

Edit: Never-mind we got a divorce

Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!

How does a muslim buy a punching bag?

Gets married

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.

Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a h...

I bought condoms at a store and the cashier said would you like a bag with that

I replied saying No she's rather pretty actually

What's the difference between a 5 lb bag of onions and some bagpipes?

No one cries when you cut up the bagpipes.

A man walks into a Movie Theater with a bag

-"What's that in the bag"
--"An AK-47"
-"No, the thing next to it"
--"A bag of Cheetos"
-"Sorry, you can't take that to the Theatre"

I saw an old lady struggling to carry her shopping bags to the car, so I did the good thing.

And took some to my own car to make her life easier.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between EA and the bag of shit?

EA wouldn't give you the bag for free.

I asked my neighbours if they knew who's the idiot that keeps leaving his trash bags in the elevator.

They didn't so for now I'm gonna keep doing that.

Give me five condoms, please.

"Do you want a bag?"
"No, she's not that ugly."

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

My neighbor pounded on my door at 2:30am last night! Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Fortunately, I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Due to grocery stores switching from paper bags to plastic bags, a serious problem has arisen.

An unprecedented number of ugly girls have died of asphyxiation during sex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

What happens when you put guacamole in a zip-loc bag?

It suffocados.

A blonde was walking down the street carrying a bag..

When another blonde rounds a corner and runs into her.
"My apologies! But what is in the bag, may I ask?"
"Oh, just carrying home some chickens for dinner for me and my husband!"
"If I guess how many chickens are in there, may I have one?"
"Hah ! If you can guess how many chickens I hav...

A man rushes into the doctors' office and says "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The Doc says, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually"

To this, the man shrieks and responds "Everyone? Oh lord, what have I done?"

A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...

Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside

A knight comes to the royal castle with a bag and asks for king's attention

He enters, and says "Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here's the head of the dragon!" and takes the head of the dragon out of the bag.

A royal advisor brings a bag to the king. The king replies "Well, then, I kept my word too. Here's the hand of the princess!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Irish relatives sent me 20 bags of shit

For me "Twenty turd" birthday..

Don’t run with bag pipes. You could poke out an eye out or worse...

Get kilt.

My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him

He did not like the taste of his own medicine

So a priest, an imam, and a rabbi find a bag of money laying on the ground

They all decide that they should take but can’t decide how much to give to god and how much to keep for themselves.

The priest says”We should draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air, whatever lands inside the circle goes to god and whatever lands outside goes to us”
...

I have a bag with a crucifix, Buddha, and the Quran inside.

Is this sacrilegious?

A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.

He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint.
"Run that way!" he shouts. They run down the street with the gunman following.
"Turn there!" he says, pointing to a dark alley to one side.
All three run to the dead-end of the alley. The gunman pushes the hostages against a wall. He poin...