Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

I was buying fish the other day and asked the cashier for a plastic bag...

He said it was already inside

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

Me: Hey I just won the lottery pack your bags. My wife: OMG we’re going on vacation????

Me: No I’m divorcing you.

NSFW Old Lady and Two bags

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bat...

Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?

Benedict Arnold Palmer

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

What do you call a plastic bag moving in the wind?

An American tumbleweed.

how does a bear see a person in a sleeping bag

Soft taco

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a brand new bag...

The girl, excited, replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad!"


I'll show myself out now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.

One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag.

A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills

Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills )

Policeman: Btw, where did you get all o...

Out of respect, there will be no jokes about a bag full of Jesus allowed here...

They're sack religous

I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

My Jewish neighbor has been moving huge bags of yeast and empty kegs with weird symbols into his garage.

Turns out Hebrews

What did one sleeping bag say to the other?







Damn!



Last night was intense.

Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.

Now, they've got cameras

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

Bought some condoms at the store today, cashier asked if I wanted a bag.

I said “no thanks, she’s actually quite pretty”.

Peeing on my flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of tha...

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. "Please, can we just talk about it first?" I begged. "Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and continued, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar.

They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about thier opinions on elements.

The redhead says,"I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it."

The brunette says,"I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars."

The blonde...

Robber: Your insecurities, put them in the bag

Cashier: Please, it's all I have left

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An officer spots an old woman with 2 large bags...

One of the bags rip and 1 dollar bills slowly fall out. The officer asks, “ma’am, did you steal those?” The old lady responds. She tells the officer, “No, I live next to a golf course. The golfers found a hole in my fence, so they pee through the hole, killing my flowers. So one day, while one of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

coroner: [closing body bag]

me: [getting dick caught in zipper one last time]

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

Before I die, I’m going to swallow a full bag of popcorn kernels

My cremation is going to be epic!

So i bought some condoms from a chemist and the shop assistant said "Do you need a bag ?"..

"She's not that ugly" I replied...

Couldn't astronauts just bring thousands of chip bags to the moon with them?

They get both air and chips.

Why does the cashier at the grocery store always ask if you want paper or plastic?

...because baggers can't be choosers.

Her: You really shouldn't be using a plastic bag..

Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment.

Her: It's just a weird replacement for a Condom..

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.



"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

I remember back in the day I use to go to the store with $2 and come back with 2 bags of chips, 3 candy bars, a pack of starbursts, and a soda...

But nowadays they have cameras everywhere

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

When you open them they are half empty.

Why did I have to pay extra money for a bag of water at the supermarket?

It was an ex-ice tax.

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

Before i die im going to eat a whole bag of un-poped popcorn

Hopefully it will make the cremation a bit more interesting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

An American and a Polish farmer are riding the train together through Europe.

Feeling hungry the Polish farmer pulls an apple out of his bag.

American asks:

\- What is that?

\-This? An apple.

\- Ha Ha! Apples in America are 3 times that size.

Some time goes by, Polish farmer wants another snack. He takes a carrot out of his bag.

Ameri...

A panda walks into a bar with his bag

The panda takes a seat at a single table and asks the waiter for the menu. The waiter confirms his order and a few minutes later brings him his food. The panda finishes all the food and then whips out his tommy gun fron his bag and starts spraying everywhere. Everyone ducks under their tables or wha...

What is it called when you eat a whole bag of Swedish Berries?

Finnish Berries

Jokes on Reddit are like a paper bag

They're 100% recycled material.

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.



“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.

****Long Post ahead but You will definitely smile at the end! :)****

She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside ...

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

If Beer Nuts cost $1.59 a bag, how much do Deer Nuts cost?

Under a buck...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air...

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

What do you call an Iraqi guy who sells bags to feed his children?

A bagdad

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

I was eating a bag of Goldfish the other day

With horror, the Petco worker asked me to leave the store.

LPT: Use a name brand shopping bag as a trash bag while traveling in Europe

Once the bag is full, take some photos of your surroundings looking away from the shopping bag. By the time you look back, you no longer will have trash to get rid of.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home to his wife and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

“Oh my god, what should I pack?!” She replies

“I don’t care! Just pack something and get the fuck OUT!”

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

A staggering drunk knocks over a pregnant lady who is carrying a bag of groceries...

2 eggs and a bottle of ketchup fall and break to the sidewalk. The drunk say "Sorry lady, but it would have died anyway. Its eyes were too far apart.

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

There was a mystery involving an office worker and a small bag.

It was a brief case.

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex in a car in public is like eating from a noisy bag of chips in Church...

Everyone will look at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

What does a push up bra and a bag of chip have in common?

Once open, you realise they are half-empty

A friend of mine started taking baby Ed class where they use bags of flour to represent babies

3 days later he came to class with a cake claiming his baby went through puberty.

Why do crows never check their bags at the airport?

They prefer carrion.

Bought my wife a matching bag and belt for Valentine’s Day.

She should be able to fix the vacuum cleaner and get it running now.

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

I made a small purchase at the grocery store.

The cashier asked me, "Would you like a bag?"

I looked side to side, leaned in and whispered...

"A bag of what..??"

Last week my dog ate the bag of scrabble tiles.

Ever since then he has been leaving little messages around the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A paper bag walks into the doctors because he's feeling a little down

Has some tests and come back a week later.

Doctor says, "I'm sorry son, but you're HIV positive"

The bag is in disbelief "How can this happen, I'm a paper bag?"

"Have you ever had unprotected sex?"

"We'll no, I'm a paper bag"

"What about sharing needles"

"No...

Some douche bag hit me from behind in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.

I mean really, how low can you go? |

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy.

He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy walks into a bar, takes a seat and puts a bag onto the bar

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and then a little seat. Then this little guy comes out of the bag takes a bow, has a sits down and start playing the piano. A man with a hat sitting next to the man with the bag exclaims, "That's amazing! How did you get this little guy?"

...

What do you call a Scottish person with a colostomy bag?

A human bagpipe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

A lawyer gets on a bus, sits down, places his bag on the next sit and says:

I rest my case.

I saw a man shovelling horse poo off the road, into a bag

So I stopped and asked him why.

He told me he was taking it home, to put on his rhubarb.

Fair enough, but I prefer custard

Be careful if you use the Bethesda duffel bag.

Your stuff might fallout.

I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college

Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...

You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.

A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.

He then proceded to beat all records.

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he l...

Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

What did the Tibetan boy say when his father asked for help carrying his bags?

Sure Pa.

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