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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

After a long, vicious territorial battle a large family of bitten, scratched wolves all sought shelter from the snow in a tiny cave, leaving barely an inch of space.

A pair of vets who care for the wolves find them and try to get in to administer care and clean their wounds.

One says “I can’t go in there.”

“Why not?”

“The place is bloody packed.”

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

Math Teacher: Your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you have all the correct answers

Later at Home: I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken

Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.

Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.

This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning...

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The Italian Math Challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

Taught the kids how to make a burger from Scratch....

.....they were devastated. Stupid name for a cat anyway

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

John rolls out of his room into the apartment,

John rolls out of his room into the apartment, looking like some misshapen ball. His roommate Ron, horrified, asks what happened.

“Oh nothing major, I just found a genie and told him I could use a joint, looks like he misinterpreted and turned me into a human knee,” said John.

“A kn...

My favorite “And that’s when the fight started” joke!

A drunk man comes home to his wife and stands swayingly before her. She sees that his pants are ripped, his legs are bloody and he has bruises on his knuckles. Odd though, everything above his waist seems perfectly fine.

Wife: Oh no… What’s happened to you this time?

Husband: It was no...

Husband lost his wife

Husband: I lost my wife, she was shopping and has not come back yet.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: I'm not sure a suit maybe or dress i don't know.

Inspector: What her weight?

Husband: I don;t know i have never checked.

Inspector: Slim/ tall/ healthy....

How do you make dandruff?

From Scratch.

I'm so ugly...

I'm so ugly that when I entered my dog in an ugly dog contest, they gave me the ribbon and a scratch behind the ear!

My talking dog scratched his back on a tree

When he was done, he said "Woof, that bark was ruff."

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

The Great Whitfield County Mishap

A redneck sheriff in Whitfield County, Georgia comes upon an accident. The car is totaled, the driver has been decapitated, and his head is lying in on the side of the boulevard.

The sheriff gets out his notepad to document the accident. After detailing the rest of the scene, he gets to the h...

I was tailgating this guy down the street when he stopped his car and got out.

I gulped as the muscular specimen strode over to my driver's window and said, "Problem, sir?"

I said, "Uh... sure." Scratching my forehead. "What is 120 subtract 42?"

A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door.

He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

What's another name for a vegetable that makes you turn and scratch

Spin itch

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A new farmer from the city

He's given up on city life and dropped everything and bough 20 acres in the country.

The problem is he doesn't know anything about farming. So he goes to the feed store to ask some friendly farmers for some help in the right direction.

Luckily an old farmer there is happy to see youn...

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Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they have no balls to scratch.

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The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the Pa...

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

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A man applies for a government job

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The...

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Two poor friends once went for a job interview

One was a scholar, the other was dumb. They came up with an idea for both to get into the job.

"I have an idea. I'll try and be ahead in the line and after they ask me the questions I'll tell you the answer after I get out."

"Okay friend I'll forever be grateful of you."

The int...

A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all on the run from the cops...

They find an abandoned potato factory and each hide in a huge brown sack. The cops arrive and kick the first sack. The redhead yells, "Woof! Woof"! to imitate a dog. The captain says, "Leave it be! We don't need some dog out here biting our ankles". A cop kicks the second sack, and the brunette says...

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

The Pig With a Wooden Leg

A TV reporter became lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg.

“This could be a great story for the Six O’Clock News. How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s...

Why can’t the T-Rex scratch their backs?

Because they’re all dead.

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A Married Couple Terrified a Cab Driver.

They were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater, having had a break-in in the past, they turned on a nightlight and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When their cab arrived, they walked out from their front door and their rather tubby cat sc...

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Free beer for life

A man walks into a bar sits down on an open stool and orders a drink. As he’s looking around the place he notices a sign on the wall that says free beer for life. Intrigued he asks the bartender what the sign is about. Bartender tells him there are 3 things he has to do if he wants the free beer. “W...

My dating life is like scratch cards on Google pay.

It is always better luck next time.

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A man walks into a bar

and seats himself at the bar and spots a big jug full of money behind the bar on the shelf with a note on it " Ask the bartender"

So the guy ask the bartender " What's with the jug full of money?"

Bartender says" well it's a series of challenges. First you have to do 10 shots of this...

Engineers gonna engineer

A scientist, a mathematician, and an engineer end up stranded on a small island inhabited by some very reclusive locals. They find themselves in jail the next day for breaking some obscure law that nobody can really explain.

They're sentenced to death. Not that their "crime" was all that sev...

Great deal

One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eight hundred dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I c...

Why do you keep scratching yourself?

Because I’m the only one who knows where it itches.

(My kids’ joke) What did the cat say when it got scratched?

Meowch

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

I wanted to make a nice herby chicken dish for dinner but scratched my plans

I didn't have the thyme for it

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring unde...

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

My nose is itching, could you please scratch it

>!Ahh... feels good, thanks for the scratch!<

My Sewing skills aren't up to scratch...

Whoops! Wrong thread.

A man buys a scratch-off lottery ticket.

10 minutes after he buys it, he looks at his numbers and sees that he won.

He is so happy, he goes to his wife, and tells her that he won the lottery, and asked her what she wants to do.

The wife said, 'I'm going to take my half, and leave you, to start a new life travelling the world!...

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

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What do you call an artist who scratches his butt?

Pick-ass-o

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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Harley Davidson for sale, mint condition, not a single scratch on it, used as my weekend bike. Very low mileage and I am very flexible on the price...

I originally bought this without consulting my wife.

Apparently “Do whatever the fuck you want” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

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A girl saw a guy scratching his testicles in public.

Girl : how can you scratch your private parts in public? I can never dare to do any such thing.

Guy : That's because you don't have the balls to do it.

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Little Johnny was participating in a class activity.

The teacher went around asking her students to use random words she gave them in a sentence.
Johnny was asked to use the word facinate in a sentence.
He scratched his head and wondered for a minute then said, "my mom bought me a shirt with 10 buttons but I could only facinate."

My cat and I were watching TV when suddendly it scratched me.

Just because i pressed paws.

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

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A guy buys a scratch ticket and wins 1,000,000 dollars...

Not wanting his wife or anyone to get it, he buries all of it, in cash, in his backyard.
The next morning he walks outside to see a gaping hole where he had buried it, and shoe prints leading to his deaf neighbor's house.
He storms over to the house with a gun in his hand and kicks the doo...

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

Why do elephants have long noses?

So they can scratch their bag

Walked into the house, with winning scratch off ticket in hand..

Me: Honey! It finally happened! We won the lottery!

Wife: Great I'll take my half and pack my bags.

Me: Your $8 is on the suitcase.

My cat scratched me

me:ow

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If you scratch and sniff a Canadian dollar, you can smell maple syrup

If you scratch and sniff an American dollar, you can smell a stripper's pubic hair

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

On the bright side, I got to scratch something off my bucket list today ...

N̶o̶t̶r̶e̶ ̶D̶a̶m̶e̶

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What did Ivan say while he was scratching his ass?

Ivan itchy anus

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Little Johnny was scratching down there...

One day in class the teacher looks over to little Johnny and sees him scratching his downstairs under the table,

She walks over to him and says, Johnny what are you doing you shouldn't be scratching down there.

Johnny replies but miss it's hurting down there and it itches so bad I can...

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

I forgot to save my new book, “1000 Ways to Cure an Itch” before my computer died.

Guess I’m starting again from scratch.

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Best Golfer in the World

After a long week of work, Frank grabs his clubs and heads to the golf course for some needed R&R. After a few holes Frank catches up to a man and a gorilla standing on the par 5. Frank finds this odd, but strolls up and sets his ball up to tee off. The man with the gorilla looks at Frank and sa...

A rabbi, a priest and a minister want to see who is best at their job...

So they decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The prie...

why does your skin turn red after you scratch it for some time?

Answer: I'm black, so I don't know the answer to this question.

My Girlfriend asked me to choose what was the best tasting sausage, a Lincolnshire sausage she bought at the shop or a German sausage she made from scratch

Hers was the wurst

Calling my handwriting chicken-scratch is offensive

To chickens

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My wife is a great cook, but yesterday, she made some soup from scratch, which was a pity...

Because I loved that fucking dog...

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TIFU by posting a video of my wife frantically scratching her pussy...

It went fungal

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A wealthy urbanite decides that he wants to start a farm...

... so he heads out into the countryside to ask for his cousin's help.

"The way I see it," the man says, "I should probably start small. I'll need a chicken and a rooster, and I'll also need a donkey to haul my cultivator."

The cousin scratches his chin as he listens to this. "Well, ev...

My cat is the opposite of a scratch n sniff sticker

First he sniffs me, then he starts stratching

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

I wrote a program that figures out if soup is made from scratch or from a cube

It returns a bouillon Boolean.

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The husband comes home and worried because he has a scratch on his chest...

The husband comes home and worried because he has a scratch on his chest caused by a fingernail from his mistress, opens the door seeing the cat asleep on the couch, gives him a tremendous kick. The cat "screams" a loud meow and runs out the door.

The wife comes in the living room and asks wh...

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I was in prison and my inmate was scratching the wall and crying against it.

I said, "Fucking hell, buddy. I came here to get AWAY from my wife."

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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

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My Mother Vs. My Uncle

My Uncle has a cat and we own two daschounds and this is the conversation that went off over the phone:

Uncle: "Listen I dont want your dogs to come over because my cat will scratch them."

Mum: "Listen Alister, I'll tell you what..."

Uncle: " What?"

Mum: "Your pussy is n...

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

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A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

When you put catnip in a scratching board to encourage cats to scratch it, you think it’s cute when they use it.

But I would think that from their point of view, it’s more like a crack addict that dropped a rock through a grate and is trying to get it back.

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I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch'

It looks like I'll have to start from scratch

A kid just finished writing his paper for class

He typed the title “1000 Ways To Cure An Itch” to finish it off. Right as he was about to hit save the screen went black. Surprised, he did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work. After a few minutes the boys dad walks in and says “The power went out.”

“What do yo...

When Juan told me he was scratching himself during a questionnaire, I was surprised.

After all, nobody expects the Spanish in-quiz itching.

A man asked his wife what she would do if he won the lottery

“I would take my half and leave you”, his wife said.

The man pondered for a minute before reaching into his pocket. He then handed his wife a $5 bill. She gave her husband a confused look and he said, “I won 10 bucks on a scratch off today. See you around.”

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A college student walks up to a farmer asks:

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Wel...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

Why did pocahontas scratch the sides of John Smith's horse?

She saw him with a Navajo.

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young woman in her short, pink mini-dress.

Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working gir...

A dermatologist was studying new remedies for itching, but his lab burnt down...

Now he has to start from scratch.

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

So my wife went missing. I went to the police to report her disappearance...

The policeman asked “What is she wearing?”
I replied “I don’t recall”.
The policeman asked “What is her height?”
I replied “Average”.
The policeman asked “Weight?”
I replied “Who knows?”
The policeman asked “Hair colour?”
I replied “Mmm what month ar...

Two guys are stuck in prison.

Desperate to get back out and perhaps lead semi-regular lives, the two cellmates try to brainstorm for an escape plan. A mere hour and a half later, one of the men comes up with a plan: steal some children's craft scissors, smuggle them back to the cell, cut through the floor, and cut out a tunnel b...

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An uncomfortable circumstance.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised, and he was quite itchy down ther...

This one time, I went to prison, but I got out without a scratch-

I beat off all the other prisoners

(DISCLAIMER: VERY VERY BAD JOKE) Two mates come for a meet together after high school...

One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up VW Golf. The Golf guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The Golf driver opens his glovebox and whips out a lamp. He scratches it, a genie pops up.

He tells the gen...

My cat scratched me for trapping her under the blankets as I made the bed...

I guess she's clawstrophobic.

How do you make a witch scratch?

Remove the w

How do scratched dvds get around?

They skip

I saw a how-to page on record scratch and DJ techniques.

It was a wikki-wikki Wiki.

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Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? .

I hear it's a catastrophe

A match is feeling suicidal.

So it scratches its head.

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Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

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