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Tub Jokes

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

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Snow White and the Prince decided to buy the Seven Dwarfs a hot tub.

They all got in and started feeling Happy. So he got out and left, now they're all fucking Grumpy.

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

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A little boy is trying to peel the lid off his tub of yoghurt..

He gets frustrated and yells "fuckin' lid!".

His mother turns to his father and says "where do you think he got that from?"

The father says "the fuckin' fridge you dumb cunt".

what do you call a sheep in a tub?

a baaaath

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The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream

and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily
replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a
glass....."

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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.

 

The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline...

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Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

Three women were sitting in a hot tub

one older lady and two slightly younger - when suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The first younger woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few min...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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3 Homosexuals are sitting in a hot tub...

All of a sudden a load of cum rises to the top of the water.


One of the homosexuals says:


'Ok, who farted?'

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not better.

Darts.

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.

She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.

Bob hands here the 800 dol...

what do you get when you cross a sheep and a tub?

a baaaaaath

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One day, my mom caught me masturbating in the tub.

I thought she'd be mad, but instead she just stopped buying margarine.

Six dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy...

So happy got out.

Did you ever blow bubbles in the tub when you were a kid?

Because, I saw Bubbles the other day. He's doing well and asked about you.

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

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I orgasmed in the tub last night

The wife hates it when I call her that.

What do you call it if a bunch of people in comas drown in a hot tub?

Vegetable stew.


Not mine, and yes I know it's tasteless.

Probably as tasteless as the stew.

A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

What did the hot tub say to his spouse when he found out she was cheating?

J'ACUZZI!

What's the difference between America, and a tub of yogurt?

If you leave the yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

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Two races horses trot into a locker room, one jumps into the hot tub while the winning horse went and stood next to his locker. The horse in the hot tub says

" How could you have won the race? You were in Last Place on the final turn"

The winning Horse says "Ok, this is going to sound VERY STRANGE, but I felt a Red Hot Poker stick me in the ass, and I took off running. Passing everyone, scared the hell out of my Jockey too."

About that t...

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Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…

Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.

Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table d...

What do you call a spy in a bath tub?

Bubble 07

At first my wife was angry that I bought a hot-tub without asking her

But she's slowly warming up to it

I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store.

Big mistake.

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4 homosexual men were sitting in a hot tub. [NSFW]

A wad of semen floated to the top. One of them says, “All right, who farted?”

Two elephants are sitting in a hot tub...

One turns to the other one and asks “Do you have any soap?”

The second elephant replies with, “no soap, radio.”

Me: Three scoops of Cookie Dough in a tub, please.

Vendor: You wanna spoon?

Me: ... OK, what time do you get off?

Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

I have a French hot tub that thinks I did it.

It's a J'accuzzi.

What do you call a sad singer in a bath tub....

A soap opera...


(My first joke)

What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the tub?

A woman in church has hope in her soul.

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

Why did the cannibal throw the disabled kid in a tub of hot water

Coz vegetables taste better when they’re boiled

My Mother died and left me a giant tub of LEGOs.

I just don’t know what to make of it.

What's the difference between a bucket and a tub?

For starters, the bucket pails in comparison.

What do you do when someone is having a seizure in a bath tub?

Throw in the laundry.

My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub before I dwown.

What do you call Marie Antoinette's hot tub?

A J'accuse!-i

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns?

Several gallons of laughing stock.

Heard of the guy who fell into a tub of sulphuric acid ??

Yup he had an acid trip

Italian Hot Tub

What was the Italian hot tub that was so small it's occupants always bumped into each other called?

Ja-scusi.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don't screw in light bulbs. We screw in hot tubs

Two monkeys were sitting in a tub.

The first one says "Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Eeee Eeee!"

The second one says "Perhaps we should add some cold water."

What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna.

I really hate the feeling of wrinkly fingers in the tub

But he's my grandpa, what can you do?

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to em...

Just dropped my iPhone in the bath tub

Just dropped my iPhone in the bath tub. I think it's syncing.

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

Three old brothers that are 94, 96, and 98 live together.

One day, the oldest brother decides to take a bath, so he fills up the tub. He put one foot in, then stops. He yells down the stairs “Was I getting in or out of the bath”.

The 96 year old yells back “I’m not sure, I’ll come up and see”. He takes one step up the stairs, stops, and yells “Was I...

So I walked into the sea holding a tub of humus and the bloke shouted "What are you doing?"...

I said "I'm taking a dip in the ocean" ...

What’s the difference between a women getting out of church and a women getting out of the tub?

The one getting out of church has hope in her sole

This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is...

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub...

And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

.
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(Anthony Jeselnik)

I just completed a Rubik's Cube in seven seconds.

I dropped it into a tub of paint.

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

What do you do when you find Michael J. Fox in your hot tub?

.....Add your laundry.

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A lady asked the milkman to fill the tub with milk. So the milkman says, "would you like that milk pasteurized?"

She says, "no just to my boobs, I can splash it on my eyes."

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

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Ended up at the ER on date night with one of those notorious Viagra related injuries

Everything was going great, so I popped a viagra. I got this intense erection so We got naked and went chasing each other around the house.

Well, as I was chasing her to the hot tub, I ran smack into the glass door and broke my nose.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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