What do you do when someone is having a seizure in a bath tub?

Throw in the laundry.

Six dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy...

So happy got out.

My Mother died and left me a giant tub of LEGOs.

I just don’t know what to make of it.

I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store.

Big mistake.

What's the difference between America, and a tub of yogurt?

If you leave the yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

So I walked into the sea holding a tub of humus and the bloke shouted "What are you doing?"...

I said "I'm taking a dip in the ocean" ...

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On the tub of ice cream I bought it said "50% less fat"

It's a fucking con, guys.



I just ate the whole tub and I'm actually heavier.

Two elephants are sitting in a hot tub...

One turns to the other one and asks “Do you have any soap?”

The second elephant replies with, “no soap, radio.”

What do you call a group of disabled people in a hot tub?

Vegetable soup.

A Muslim man sees the face of Muhammad in a tub of margarine one day

His neighbor from Nepal looks over and says "I can't believe it's not Buddha"

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

What’s the difference between a women getting out of church and a women getting out of the tub?

The one getting out of church has hope in her sole

My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.

She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.

Bob hands here the 800 dol...

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Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

What's the difference between a bucket and a tub?

For starters, the bucket pails in comparison.

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

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4 homosexual men were sitting in a hot tub. [NSFW]

A wad of semen floated to the top. One of them says, “All right, who farted?”

A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin lo...

Three elderly sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

.
.
.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath tub?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I ...

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A lady asked the milkman to fill the tub with milk. So the milkman says, "would you like that milk pasteurized?"

She says, "no just to my boobs, I can splash it on my eyes."

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A little boy is trying to peel the lid off his tub of yoghurt..

He gets frustrated and yells "fuckin' lid!".

His mother turns to his father and says "where do you think he got that from?"

The father says "the fuckin' fridge you dumb cunt".

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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.

 

The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline...

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream...

...and asked me if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you get when you think about me naked". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass".

What do you call a sad singer in a bath tub....

A soap opera...


(My first joke)

Three women were sitting in a hot tub

one older lady and two slightly younger - when suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The first younger woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few min...

What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns?

Several gallons of laughing stock.

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub...

And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

.
.
(Anthony Jeselnik)

What's the difference between a Piano, a Tuna, and a tub of Glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna. As for the glue... well I knew you'd get stuck on that one.

This joke might seem a little fishy, but I find it key to tell a joke that can really stick with people.

What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna.

I really hate the feeling of wrinkly fingers in the tub

But he's my grandpa, what can you do?

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Have you ever stuck your dick in a tub of almond butter?

It's fucking nuts!

I took a Milk Bath yesterday

I asked my wife to fill the tub. She said "Sure, you want it pasteurized?"

I replied "No, just up to my chest."

Four naked guys are sitting in a hot tub.

All of a sudden, a condom floats to the surface. After a few seconds of stares and silence, one of the guys asks, "Alright, who farted?"

A man walks a bar

On the bar there was a 12 inch man playing a piano.
The man is amazed and says to the barman “ that’s amazing where did you get him from.” The barman replies “I have a genie that grants wishes would you like a try?”
The man eagerly agrees and when the genie appears wishes for a lot of money. ...

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Eight dwarves are in a tub, feeling happy

Happy got out now they're all fucking grumpy

Today I went to the bathroom to change before I went to School

Today, I was going to brush my teeth before school, but then I saw my step-sister bathing in the tub. So she said : "Oh My God, step bro, this is so wrong, this isn't even Alabama", and then you can guess what happens next.



\---



I said: "you really have to learn when to...

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

Just dropped my iPhone in the bath tub

Just dropped my iPhone in the bath tub. I think it's syncing.

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

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People like paying extra to make things less bad

Take going to the gym. You still have to exercise no matter which one you go to, but people pay extra for jacuzzi tubs and fancy lotions that help distract you.

Or flying first class! Are you still stuck in a giant pressure tube? Of course! But at least you can stretch out and knock back a fe...

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

Two monkeys were sitting in a tub.

The first one says "Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Eeee Eeee!"

The second one says "Perhaps we should add some cold water."

A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream






Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?





Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem g...

What do you do when you find Michael J. Fox in your hot tub?

.....Add your laundry.

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

Italian Hot Tub

What was the Italian hot tub that was so small it's occupants always bumped into each other called?

Ja-scusi.

Checking out the birth facility

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.

"What do you think?" she said

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

The Last Supper

*Jesus raises cup of wine*

Jesus: This is my blood

*Jesus raises plate of bread*

Jesus: This is my body

*Jesus raises tub of mayonnaise*

Jesus: This is m-

Judas: WOAH WOAH STOP RIGHT THERE

Once upon a time there lived a regular old cheerio.

One day he went outside for a walk and noticed the most beautiful honey-nut cheerio he had ever seen leaving her house. In love, the cheerio went to her and said

“Excuse me, you’re the most beautiful honey-nut cheerio I’ve ever seen, will you go on a date with me?”

The honey-nut cheer...

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to em...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

My 6 yr old daughter had a joke for me this morning that made me chuckle...

Daughter: knock knock
Dad: who's there?
Daughter: dwayne
Dad: dwayne who?
Daughter: dwayne the tub, I'm dwowning!

Three friends go on a skiing trip.

Three friends go on a skiing trip, but they need to save money so they rent a cabin with only one bed that’s big enough for all three of them.

After the first night the guy on the left says he had the most amazing dream. A busty blonde seduced him and gave him an amazing handjob.

The...

Your momma so fat

When she take a bath she fills up the tub then turns the water on

Why was Robin so wrinkly?

He stayed in the Bat-tub for too long.

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Good Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told...

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A young man is delivering milk to the homes of his wealthy customers...

He knocks at the back door of a big home and says, “Milkman!”

An attractive middle-aged woman comes to the door in her robe. “I am going to take a milk bath this morning.”, she says. “Go to your truck and bring 20 gallons of milk to my bathroom. I’ll be waiting.”

He heads to the truc...

“Knock, knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Dwayne”

“Dwayne, who?”

“Dwayne da tub I’m dwowning”

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