A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

What do you call a group of disabled people in a hot tub?

Vegetable soup.

Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

I have a French hot tub that thinks I did it.

It's a J'accuzzi.

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says,...

Me: Three scoops of Cookie Dough in a tub, please.

Vendor: You wanna spoon?

Me: ... OK, what time do you get off?

Why did the cannibal throw the disabled kid in a tub of hot water

Coz vegetables taste better when they’re boiled

Heard of the guy who fell into a tub of sulphuric acid ??

Yup he had an acid trip

What do you call a spy in a bath tub?

Bubble 07

What do you do when someone is having a seizure in a bath tub?

Throw in the laundry.

Six dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy...

So happy got out.

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A priest lived in a church with three nuns.

One evening the priest decided that he wanted to take a bath. He went to the washroom, filled the tub with water, and then undressed before he realized that he forgot to bring his soap.

He wraps himself in a towel around his waist and goes back to his room to retrieve his soap, grabbing an ex...

How did I get rich?

Well I was working on my sheep farm. We had just sheared the flock and spun the wool into yarn. As I was dying one skein of yarn green, a lamb wandered over and fell into the tub of dye. By the time I rescued the poor thing, he'd already managed to turn himself completely green.

Well, a littl...

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

My Mother died and left me a giant tub of LEGOs.

I just don’t know what to make of it.

What's the difference between America, and a tub of yogurt?

If you leave the yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

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Back in the days of the Milkman...

A milkman comes to the back door of a new customer, knocks, and an attractive older lady opens the door, wearing only a thin negligee’.

“Good morning, ma’am.”, he says. “My name is Ed...What would you like today?

“What I’d like, Ed, is for you to go get a lot of milk from your truck, a...

I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store.

Big mistake.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is in a hot tub.

Stu

My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub before I dwown.

My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.

She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.

Bob hands here the 800 dol...

So I walked into the sea holding a tub of humus and the bloke shouted "What are you doing?"...

I said "I'm taking a dip in the ocean" ...

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On the tub of ice cream I bought it said "50% less fat"

It's a fucking con, guys.



I just ate the whole tub and I'm actually heavier.

Two elephants are sitting in a hot tub...

One turns to the other one and asks “Do you have any soap?”

The second elephant replies with, “no soap, radio.”

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Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.

 

The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline...

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream...

...and asked me if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you get when you think about me naked". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass".

What’s the difference between a women getting out of church and a women getting out of the tub?

The one getting out of church has hope in her sole

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A little boy is trying to peel the lid off his tub of yoghurt..

He gets frustrated and yells "fuckin' lid!".

His mother turns to his father and says "where do you think he got that from?"

The father says "the fuckin' fridge you dumb cunt".

What's the difference between a bucket and a tub?

For starters, the bucket pails in comparison.

Three women were sitting in a hot tub

one older lady and two slightly younger - when suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The first younger woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few min...

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4 homosexual men were sitting in a hot tub. [NSFW]

A wad of semen floated to the top. One of them says, “All right, who farted?”

We call my Grandpa Spiderman.

Not cause he has super powers, he just has a hard time getting out of the bath tub.

What do you call a sad singer in a bath tub....

A soap opera...


(My first joke)

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A lady asked the milkman to fill the tub with milk. So the milkman says, "would you like that milk pasteurized?"

She says, "no just to my boobs, I can splash it on my eyes."

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns?

Several gallons of laughing stock.

What's the difference between a Piano, a Tuna, and a tub of Glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna. As for the glue... well I knew you'd get stuck on that one.

This joke might seem a little fishy, but I find it key to tell a joke that can really stick with people.

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub...

And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

.
.
(Anthony Jeselnik)

What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna.

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Have you ever stuck your dick in a tub of almond butter?

It's fucking nuts!

I really hate the feeling of wrinkly fingers in the tub

But he's my grandpa, what can you do?

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The vintage motorcycle.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says"

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure ...

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Eight dwarves are in a tub, feeling happy

Happy got out now they're all fucking grumpy

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

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Who said that sexism against man doesn't exist

when a girl masturbates in a bath tub people start sending her money and all that stuff. But when I do it, I get called a weirdo and get banned from IKEA

Just dropped my iPhone in the bath tub

Just dropped my iPhone in the bath tub. I think it's syncing.

An old Irish woman wins the lottery...

...and decides to to indulge herself with a milk bath, so she calls her local dairyman.
“I’d like to order meself some milk”
“How much will ye be needing?”
“I suppose, I’ll need enough to fill me bath tub.”
“Shouldn’t be more than 200 liters I’d guess.”
“My word! That’s more than I th...

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My next door neighbor was murdered.

Police found her facedown in a bath tub filled with milk. She had a spoon stuck in her ass.

They think it was a cereal killer.

Two monkeys were sitting in a tub.

The first one says "Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Eeee Eeee!"

The second one says "Perhaps we should add some cold water."

Italian Hot Tub

What was the Italian hot tub that was so small it's occupants always bumped into each other called?

Ja-scusi.

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin lo...

Three elderly sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

.
.
.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath tub?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I ...

What do you do when you find Michael J. Fox in your hot tub?

.....Add your laundry.

I took a Milk Bath yesterday

I asked my wife to fill the tub. She said "Sure, you want it pasteurized?"

I replied "No, just up to my chest."

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

A man walks a bar

On the bar there was a 12 inch man playing a piano.
The man is amazed and says to the barman “ that’s amazing where did you get him from.” The barman replies “I have a genie that grants wishes would you like a try?”
The man eagerly agrees and when the genie appears wishes for a lot of money. ...

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