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Sign Language in the Shower

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What? The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wif...

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A beautiful blonde babe gets out of the shower

when she hears a knock at the door

“It’s the blind man!!” Says the voice

She thinks to herself, it’s ok if I open the door, he’s blind so he won’t be able to see me, as she opens the door

The man walks in and says
“You have a lovely pair of tits, now where do you want the...

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.

I used to be addicted to showering…

I got clean.

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

A woman once asked me about golden showers.

“Urine over your head,” I replied.

Do you know the difference between Toilet paper and the shower curtain?

Answer: No

So you’re the one!!

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Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

Why should you be wary of Ash Ketchum when you're taking a shower?

Cos he might have a sneaky Pikachu

my public pool's showers has two different soap dispensers one is white and the other soap is transparent

i asked my life guard about the difference between them

he said that the white one is shampoo for hair

and the transparent is for the body.

me being bald i asked him: so i use one soap?

he was silent for a second while he looked at my body me wearing only my swimming shor...

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My boyfriend asked me if girls ever pee in the shower. I said "yeah, they do. Sometimes I do by accident."

"what do you mean, by accident?"


"relax. Sometimes it happens when you're having a shit."

I haven't showered for 10 days

Because that would use too much water

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Did you know that 80% of people masturbate while in the shower, and the other 20% whistle or sing the same song? Do you know what the name of the song is?

Well I guess I know what you’re doing in the shower!

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My Wife came out of the shower.

She walked into the bedroom and said to me.

"Babe please shut the blinds, I don't want the

neighbours to see me naked."

"Don't worry" I said, "if the neighbours see you

naked, they'll shut their own fucking blinds!"

Chuck Norris doesn't turn the water on for his shower...

He stares at it until it cries.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

Today, I learned that some people are disgusted that others pee in the shower

I don’t think it was necessary to cancel my gym membership over it though.

When he's in the bathtub, Batman uses Bat-shower gel to clean his body, Bat-pumice on his feet and Bat-shampoo to wash his hair.

But to keep his hair smooth and silky he uses Conditioner Gordon

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

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A boy and a girl are in the showers together.

The boy gestures smugly to his penis and says “hey I bet you wish you had one of these”.

The girl shrugs and points to her vagina. “My mom says that because I have one of these I can have as many of those as I want.”

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it's a soap opera.

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

Dude explaining how he got his first $10million

1. Get up at 5:00 AM Everyday

2. 90 minutes of cardio

3: take a cold shower

4: journal

5: schedule out your day

6:dad owns Fortune 500 company

6: meditate

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I hate shower sex.

My dick always gets stuck in the drain.

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My wife and I were taking a shower together and she dropped the soap.

Now she’s all butt hurt about it.

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My wife asked me if I'd ever pissed in the shower. I said 'Yes but both times were an accident.

My Wife responded 'What!? How can you piss in the shower by accident? Twice!?'

And I said 'Well these things happen when you're taking a shit'.

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Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?

Well yes Bob, I do.

Great, can you please get laid more often?

A woman leaves her shower

She is wrapped up in her towel and as she walks past her husband who is going into the shower they hear a knock at the door.

"You go get that" her husband says and hops into the shower.

Sighing the woman went to the door still wrapped in her towel. She opens the door expecting the mai...

What's the difference between rain and a shower?

Consent

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When I was in school, my mate got caught having a wank in the showers.

Really ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

What do you call a bear caught in a rain shower.

A drizzly bear!

I just read an interesting new warning on my shower cleaner:

"Keep this and all cleaning products away from children. If swallowed, get emergency psychiatric help and regurgitate the children before they are digested."

What's the difference between a nun in church, and a nun in the shower?

One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.

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Jenny just got out of the shower, and was wearing just a towel, when the doorbell rang

She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, "Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel."

She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me ...

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I'm not a big fan of shower sex.

The drain hurts my penis.

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry

He has selfie steam issues.

When I'm too tired to properly shower, I just go in, do a quick spin, and leave

It's called a 360 no soap

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

Anyone else think Diplo should get into the mat-making business? I'm talkin' door mats, shower mats...the whole gig.

He could call them... Diplo-mats.

My wife walked in to our bedroom in a huff earlier after coming out the shower

“Dave, can you remember to shut the curtains please, I’m getting changed and the neighbours can see in” she said angrily.

“Don’t worry babe”, I replied. “If the neighbours see you naked they’ll be sure to shut their own curtains”

So that’s why I’m sleeping in the car tonight.

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Two bathtubs were about to have sex

The female bathtub looked at the male bathtub’s flaccid dick and laughed at how small it was. To which the male bathtub replied: ”I’m a bathtub, not a shower.”

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My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Those dirty bastards.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know they always say, 'if you like it then you should put a ring on it,'" he comments to the bartender. "I must really like shower curtains," the bartender replies.

I had a thought in the shower today...

She gave me a handjob.

Being a masochist, I like nothing better than starting the day with a freezing cold shower.

So I have a hot one.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

After I got COVID I threw out all my soap and deodorants and I only shower once a week.

That's because my doctor said I wouldn't smell anymore.

I used to have a shower addicition...

Thankfully, I'm 4 months clean now!

What did the golden shower club tell me when the accepted my application?

Urine.

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Why did the porn star check out an astronomy book?

She'd been cast in "meatier showers."

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Three dogs meet at a veterinary

They are sitting in the waiting room talking about why they are there.

The first one tells the others, "Well, it's so sad, I'm here because I bit my owner's hand. I'm so sorry about it, but still they want me to be euthanized."

The second one tells a similar story, "Yeah, I feel you, m...

My girlfriend is insisting on a shower cap for me.

Apparently 8 a day is too many.

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

The hockey player will shower after 3 periods.

#2857: Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...

My girlfriend told me this morning: " I want you to be naughty to me in the shower."

So I put shampoo in her eyes.

If you want to see a comic strip,

you should see me in the shower.

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What do you call a blow job in the shower?

Shower head

how does a cow wash its mouth??

using a moo-thwash.

sorry. if you did nto like it..
i got this idea while i was .... showering.. thought to share with you all.

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This guy is driving through Texas.

He sees a farmhouse and knocks on the door. The farmer answers and the guy explains, "I've been on the road for a week and I think I’m lost. I haven’t had a decent meal or a decent night's sleep the whole time. Would it be too much trouble to help me out just for this one night?"

The farmer l...

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

Erectile Dysfunction

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an traditional healer, who was well known to have a very good naturopathic cure for erectile dysfunction!

As he despised western medicine, believing the conspiracy theo...

My wife said, "You wouldn't think twice about cheating on me if Scarlett Johansson asked you."

"Actually I have," I replied, "and both times I ended up in a long shower."

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My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

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Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

During a national water shortage, a mother and daughter were sharing a shower.

The daughter looks at her mother and then down at herself and says "What's that?"

Thinking quickly, the mother says, "That's your garage... and you must never let a boy park his car in it."

Next door, a father and his son were also sharing a shower. The son looks at his dad and then do...

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My wife asked if I ever pee in the shower..

I admitted "Yes, sometimes I do"

"Thats disgusting!" she snapped.

"I can't help it!" I replied, "it just comes out when I'm having a shit"

Took my last shower for the year...

...in July.

Aunt Agony Advice Column

Dear Aunt Agony,

I have a romantic and loyal boyfriend, who loves me dearly. He isn't rich, but works hard at his job, and is trying to save enough to buy us a house, so that we can get married.

However, recently I met this wealthy old man who was visiting our country. He said he likes...

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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

It's new year, I can officially say that I haven't showered since last year

And a half.

I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.



Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

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A white guy and a black guy are taking a shower.

The black guy sees the white guy’s willy has the letters “Wy” on the side.

“Can I just ask you,” the black guy says, “why do you have “Wy” on the side of your willy?”

“Well,” says the white guy, “when it’s erect, it spells “Wendy”, my girlfriend’s name. Your willy also has “Wy” on it. ...

Not too shabby...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...

What do you call a pirate that likes golden showers?

ARRRRRRRRR Kelly

I got stuck in the shower.

The shampoo bottle said "lather, rinse, repeat".

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April showers bring Mayflowers...

...but that was shit luck for the Natives, wasn't it?

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My gf got angry when I told her I pee in the shower

As if *she* could hold her pee while shitting.

To Boldly Go...

“My friend had a disastrous date last night... apparently the guy was into giving golden showers. He was a big actor, too, one of the Star Trek guys.”

“Shatner??”

“No, I think she left before he could get to that.”

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Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom.

Probably cause the audience is shit

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My wife got a bit frisky earlier and demanded we have sex in the shower....

At least half of the other swimmers weren’t happy about it.

A man opens up a pool Club

A man opens a pool club. It’s the only one in town so hundreds of people swim in it everyday.
The man however never swims in the pool himself. One day someone sees him taking a shower under a tap. The persons asks why doesn’t he just swim in his pool.
The man says,” Are you crazy? I fill the p...

My wife got so mad at me when she found out that I peed in the shower

I guess I should have waited until she got out first.

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

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I came up with this myself in the shower, hopefully hasn't been done before.

Two pieces of poop are arguing in the toilet bowl.

The piss gets _pissed_ by this and decides to ask them what they are arguing about.

The poop says, "Stay out of it, piss. It's fecal matter."

What did Jeffrey Dahmer keep in his shower?

Heads and Shoulders.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower,

he only takes blood baths.

This joke actually nearly happened to me in real life so then I finessed it in the shower

It was a morning like any other. Got up, got ready, and as I left for work I shouted to my adorable, loving wife “have a nice day!”, to which she replied “you too.”

I said “No, Sterephonics”. Idiot.

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

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I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.

The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"

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Did you know shower heads are bisexual

Every naked person they see turns them on

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Shower thoughts are just toilet thoughts

butt cleaner

I have a kink for getting showers

They make me wet.

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NSFW: Two guys in the shower

Two guys are in the shower having sex and the phone rings.
"I have to answer that, I'll be right back" says the first guy.
"Omg, hurry up." Says the second guy.
"I will don't cum without me." The first guys says back.
He hurries down and gets the call. He finishes and heads back upstair...

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

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A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

I tried to take a shower at my aunt's house

She had big lights installed in the top of her shower and it was full of plants. I had to take all the plants out to use it. When she saw me taking the plants out she said "what are you doing?! that's a *grower*, not a *shower*!!"

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Jose and Carlos are butt fucking in the shower

when the doorbell rings. Jose quickly blows his load, pulls his dick out of Carlos’ ass, and says “hold on I need to get this it could be the delivery man”. Before leaving the bathroom Jose notices that Carlos’ dick is rock hard and he’s stroking it intensely. Jose says to Carlos “You better not cum...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel!

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in f...

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