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Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?

Well yes Bob, I do.

Great, can you please get laid more often?

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Do you know what people sing in the shower after having satisfied their partner sexually?

I didn't think so.

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

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My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Dirty bastards.

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside.

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside. Concerned something had happened she asked, "What was that noise?"
The man replied, " It was just my underwear falling".
Unsure the wife asked again, "That noise was a bit loud for it to be ju...

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I think having sex in the shower is overrated.

I don't really enjoy it.

I need a girlfriend, the drain is hurting my dick.

What do you call a pirate that likes golden showers?

ARRRRRRRRR Kelly

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NSFW: Two guys in the shower

Two guys are in the shower having sex and the phone rings.
"I have to answer that, I'll be right back" says the first guy.
"Omg, hurry up." Says the second guy.
"I will don't cum without me." The first guys says back.
He hurries down and gets the call. He finishes and heads back upstair...

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I came up with this myself in the shower, hopefully hasn't been done before.

Two pieces of poop are arguing in the toilet bowl.

The piss gets _pissed_ by this and decides to ask them what they are arguing about.

The poop says, "Stay out of it, piss. It's fecal matter."

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Shower thoughts are just toilet thoughts

butt cleaner

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My gf got angry when I told her I pee in the shower

As if *she* could hold her pee while shitting.

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My wife asked if I ever pee in the shower..

I admitted "Yes, sometimes I do"

"Thats disgusting!" she snapped.

"I can't help it!" I replied, "it just comes out when I'm having a shit"

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What do you call a blowjob in the shower?

Shower Head

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera.

I have a kink for getting showers

They make me wet.

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Wife asks husband, do you pee in the shower?

Husband responds "yeah"

Wife says "ew! That's disgusting!".

He says "well these things happen when you're taking a shit."

What did the policeman say to the robber that stole a shower?

I need you to come clean!

A woman gets out of the shower and looks at herself in the mirror

She walks past her husband reading the newspaper on the couch, and says, "I just looked at myself in the mirror and I look ugly as hell. How about a nice compliment to cheer me up?"


The husband takes one glance at his wife and replies, "Your eyesight is spot-on."

Peeing in the Shower

My wife screamed at me peeing in the shower. I told her that everyone pees in the shower. She responded, "Yeah, but I'm trying to take a bubble bath."

My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

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People dream of mind bending shower sex

and I just dream of the hot water lasting longer than him

If April showers bring May Flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Smallpox

Tried to post in Shower Thoughts

Imagine a dating app for fans of Mandalorian assassins and bdsm. Could call it BobaFet.

I told my dad the shower curtains were broken

He said “no one would want to see you anyway”






damn

Do you know what's the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?

No?

SO IT WAS YOU!!!

I tried to take a shower at my aunt's house

She had big lights installed in the top of her shower and it was full of plants. I had to take all the plants out to use it. When she saw me taking the plants out she said "what are you doing?! that's a *grower*, not a *shower*!!"

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

Why do guys pee in the shower?

Because peeing the the bath is just disgusting!

There are three kinds of people: Firstly the ones who shower, secondly the ones who takes baths

and thirdly the ones who sit next to me on the bus.

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Did you know shower heads are bisexual

Every naked person they see turns them on

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Three married women are having a "girls only" night out

**NOTE: I'm TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS JOKE FROM MY LANGUAGE TO ENGLISH HOPE IT TRANSLATES WELL AND SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR**

They are enjoying a lovely evening talking about their lives as they usually do every week when they meet up, one of them is particularly excited and fails to hide her exc...

Why should you never shower while playing Pokemon?

The Pokemon Peekachu

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I've got to stop masturbating in the shower...

Everytime it rains I get a hard on.

What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

If you said "I don't know," click here:



>!So you're the idiot that ruined my shower curtain!!!!!<

Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?

Because they wash up on shore.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel!

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in f...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

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A woman gets out the shower

A woman is just getting out the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?".

"It's the blind man"

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the blin...

I can never come up with shower thoughts....

As soon as the water hits me, I feel the pressure.

What's the difference between a woman walking out of church and a woman walking out of the shower?

One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole

I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.



Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

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My girlfriend asked me if I had ever peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"

I said "well these things tend to happen >!when you're taking a shit!<"

What do the Frey and public golden showers have in common?

Everyone knows urine over your head

If April showers bring May flowers...

I'm on track to get 2 flowers next month.

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They say about 70% of people masturbate in the shower and about 30% sing in the shower. Do you know what the most popular song is to sing in the shower?

You don't? Well I guess we know what you've been doing.

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after...

and working from home.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

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My wife always takes a long time to shower after we watch a Chris Pratt movie.

I don't know what she's doing in there but it gives me enough time to jerk off to him.

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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One time I gave a supermodel a golden shower.

She looked pretty pissed.

Gamers don’t take hot showers

They take steamy ones.

I haven't showered since COVID-19 hit the US . . .

Not because I'm lazy, it really helps with the social distancing . . .

Golden showers are the only litmus test for a relationship.

How else will you know urine love?

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I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.

The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"

‌‌A woma‌‌n stoppe‌‌d by‌‌, unannounced‌‌, a‌‌t he‌‌r son'‌‌s house‌‌. Sh‌‌e knocke‌‌d o‌‌n th‌‌e doo‌‌r the‌‌n immediatel‌‌y walke‌‌d in.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked.

"I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌...

Must be horrifying to have a shower when you're a magician

You never know if your bathroom is still going to be there when you pull back the shower curtain.

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Why is the shower head poly sexual?

It gets turned on by anyone who is naked

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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

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So a nun was taking a shower....

When someone knocked on the door

She had no way to cover herself. So she said "who is it?"

A man said, "It me, tim the blind man!"

The nun said, "come in!"

And the blind man said, "nice tits, now where should I hang these blinds?"

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You ever get caught masterbating in the shower?

Pretty good hiding spot isnt it ;)

What is it called when your neither a grower or a shower

Unfortunate

Yo mama so fat, the only way she gets clean

is during a meteor shower

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

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I think it’s time to come clean.

So I’m gonna jizz after a shower.

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My friends and I were drinking and starting asking Alexa stuff. Alexa, what is a blowjob? Alexa, what is rim job? Alexa, what is a golden shower?

That barmaid got pissed and threw us out.

A blonde woman is in the shower and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"

She replies, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. It says it's for dry hair and I just wet mine."

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I really made my spouse angry when I opened the shower curtain and yelled "peek a boobs!"

He says he's been going to the gym and I really need to be more supportive.

I was running really late for work, so I decided to quickly hop in the shower.

Once I realized that jumping up and down isn’t helping, I turned it on.

Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold.

I just heard the President likes gold in showers.

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

Three dinosaurs stumble upon a lamp in the desert.

One of them rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I shall grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

Excited and clamoring amongst each other, the dinosaurs began to dream of meat.

The first one piped up, "I wish it would rain pepperoni and drumsticks!" The...

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

She gave me a hand-job using Vaseline as lube...[NSFW]

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

I love my new Apple Watch so much I only take it off when I shower

Which means I'm only able to charge it when I shower.

The battery has been dead for 3 weeks now.

Took a shower with a vampire yesterday

It was a bloodbath

Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom?

Because he wanted a meatier shower.

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

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“Where is the rake?”

man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”

She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?” The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. Th...

A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower...

The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play.

About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where d...

Dad: I haven't showered since last year

Me: You're too early, it's not 2020 yet!

Dad: Does that make a difference?

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

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Pope taking a shower!

The Pope was having a shower and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air...

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What do you call an Italian with a golden shower sex fetish and a long nose?

Peenocchio

As I stared at the hot water flowing towards my shower drain I realized something.

It's all downhill from here.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

Moral of the story

There is a green man who live in his green house on a green hill and everything in his house is green.

One day, while he was taking a shower in his green bathroom, he heard his green doorbell rang. He grabbed his green towel and went down his green stairs and opened his green door.

Bef...

If I offer to wash your back in the shower,

All you have to do is answer, “yes”, or “no.”

None of this “Who are you and how did you get in here” nonsense.

Hot Shower Pics

I was trying to take a picture of myself in the shower but I couldn't get a good one. The pictures kept coming out blurry.

I guess I have selfie steam issues.

A news story had been reported about Jeffrey Dahmer after his capture about what was found in his shower... did you hear what they found!?

Head[s] and shoulders.

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...

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They kicked me out of the gym because I was pissing in the shower....

I don't know you, but I always pee while taking a shit.

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A man goes to the doctor because he smells bad

Doctor: What seems to be the problem

Man: (a little embarrassed) I just smell really bad

Doctor takes a step closer: Wow, you really do smell bad

Man: I shower every day, I wear deodorant, my clothes are clean. I don't know what else to do.

Doctor: Do you have any other s...

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No showering makes you attractive to the opposite sex

Sorry I meant the opposite of sex

Since it's New Years, I can say I haven't showered in a year!

Actually it's probably been about a year and a half

Didn't shower before my prostate exam today.

Doctor told me that there may be something wrong, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

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I don't like sex in the shower.

It's slippery, dangerous and one of the worst things about prison.

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African Penis Growth Technique

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when

each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a

weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches lo...

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A little boy walks in and catches his mum in the shower...

He looks down at her beaver and says "mummy what is that?"

She says "well that's where God hit me with and axe"

And he replies "what right in the cunt?"

What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?

A poultry.

(came up with that in the shower)

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed o...

Wife came out the shower giggling at this joke she just thought up: Why didn’t the beavers send any wood down the river?

Because they didn’t give a dam.

I haven't showered since the last decade.

Edit: woops. I thought this was r/confessions

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Statistics show 55% of men in Oakland have had sex in the shower

\-The rest haven't been to prison yet

One day a man is taking a shower in his family home. His dad walks in on him while he is drying off and notices his son is Huge.

The dad says: Holy hell son, where have you been hiding that thing?!

The son looks over to his pants lying on the floor and replies to his dad:
".....In my Genes."

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