Why don't you iron four-leaf clovers?

Because you don't want to press your luck.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

My leaf blower doesn’t work

It just sucks!

A mother had three sons: Leaf, Feather and Brick.

Leaf came one day to his mom and said: "Mom, why did you call me Leaf?"

"Well son, ", replied his mom, "When you were born a leaf fell on your head and it was so cute and I couldn't hold myself from naming you like that".

Years passed and Feather came one day to his mom and said: "Mom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover?

A rash of good luck

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

What do Dwayne Johnson impersonators and three-leaf clovers have in common?

They're both shamrocks.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree?

Only the leaf reached the ground.

I turned over a brand new leaf today...

the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.

A nun walks into Hooters... [NSFW]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walks into Hooters. The place was buzzing with music and conversation, and every once in a while the lights would go out. Each time the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers, however when the revelers saw the nun the place went dead silent. S...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The ...

What do you get when you put Scrabble letters in a leaf blower?

The Welsh Language

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

​

So the man a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

the toronto maple leafs were so bad at hockey the...

organization decided, 'ya know what, we got this group of guys here. great with their hands. lets just fuckin open a chain of pizzerias'.

Brilliant, I happened to be living in toronto at the time and wanted some za, called them for a plain cheez. & they couldnt deliver.

An emo and a leaf were sitting at the top of a tree...

they both fall off at the same time? Which one hits the ground first?
The leaf.
The emo got caught by the rope.

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

What did one leaf say to another when he jumped off a cliff?

"I Believe"

Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...

...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers...

because they all sucked.

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common?

They both look good until they hit the ice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Mama, why is my brother's name Leaf?"

"Because when he was born, a leaf fell on his head."

"Well, why is my sister named Rose?"

"When she was born, a rose petal fell on her head."

"Then why is my name Brick?"

"Look, we just got sick of the nature theme, okay? Deal with it and be grateful your name isn't JizzA...

What do you call a vegetarian with bad gas?

A leaf blower

Two elephants was eating some leafs and some grass at the savana

For the first time of their lives they see a naked man running in front of them.
One of the elephants wait a second, then bewildered turns to his friend and says:
I wonder how he gets his food to his mouth.

What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?

Turn off their console and go to sleep.

Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks…

…because the other is a buoy ant

How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nobody knows.

They always say they'll do it next year.

A part of a tree fell on my car!

Luckily, that leaf didn't do much damage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man with a leaf of cabbage stuck in his ass went to the doctors...

"Doctor! Doctor! theres a piece of lettuce stuck in my ass, what should I do?"

The Doctor had a look and replied "would you like the good news, or the bad news first?"

"the good news" asked the Man.

"The good news is, it's only a piece of lettuce"

"and the bad news?"
<...

What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl?

Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over.

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Toronto Maple Leaves

So a man is walking along and he finds a lamp. He runs the lamp, a genie pops out an says, "I will grant you one wish."

Man: "I wish I can live forever."

Genie: "I'm sorry but I can't grant that to you. Wish for anything else and it'll be my pleasure to grant it to you."

Man: "...

Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

What does it mean when a groundhog sees a maple leaf on feb. 02?

...six more weeks of bad hockey!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mexican, a chinese guy and an american are all in a desert...

The mexican has a giant leaf, the chinese guy has a hat and the american has a car door.

The mexican says he likes to fan himself when it gets hot.

The chinese guy says he likes to wear his hat.

And the american finally says that he likes to roll down the window.

&#x...

How does loose leaf watch TV?

Paper-view

Where's the red light district in Toronto?

Behind the Maple Leafs' net.

Why can't the Maple Leafs have any tea?

Because Boston has all the cups!

Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

Lucky!

What happens when you pee on a 4- leaf clover?

...urine luck!

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal t...

Spring

Winter can be pretty dreary with all the bare trees,
so when spring comes it's such a re-leaf.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

My diet guide is nowhere near as helpful as my vegan friend's diet guide.

I think I'll take a leaf out of his book.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How does an elephant get in a tree?

A: By sitting on a sapling and waiting for the tree to grow underneath it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?

A: It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

Q: Why did the elephant fall from the tree?

A: It thought it was a leaf.

Q: Why did another elephant...

A hippoptamus has brought his dissertation to defend before the doctoral committee.

The first professor picks up the dissertation and leafs through it. "Hm, interesting," she says. "Follow me, if you please." She leads the hippo and the rest of the committee out to her car which they pile into and drive to her house. She takes them to her reading room. She sets the papers down on a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off with a leaf and apologise.