leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Butterhead, celtuce, and leaf are all types of lettuce...

But thats just the tip of the iceberg.

3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pull...

Why don't you iron four-leaf clovers?

Because you don't want to press your luck.

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

My leaf blower doesn’t work

It just sucks!

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible

with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. ...

Tell me your best "guy with no arms and no legs" joke.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, laying in a pile of leafs?

Russel!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an outdoor cleaning machine and a person who likes to give oral sex to Canadian men?

There isn't one. They're both leafblowers.

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

A man ironed his four leaf clover

He was pressing his luck

A mother had three sons: Leaf, Feather and Brick.

Leaf came one day to his mom and said: "Mom, why did you call me Leaf?"

"Well son, ", replied his mom, "When you were born a leaf fell on your head and it was so cute and I couldn't hold myself from naming you like that".

Years passed and Feather came one day to his mom and said: "Mom...

I haven’t seen Mr Tree in days...

I thought he moved to another branch

But it turns out he was just on leaf

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

Where's the best place to store your leaf collection?

In your portfoliage

3 little kids, Leafy, Rainy and Bricky.

They were asking their mother about their names.

Leafy asked:

— Mama, why is my name Leafy?

The Mother answered:

— Cause when you were born a Leaf fell on your head

Then Rainy asked:

— Mama, why is my name Rainy?

— Because when your were born, the wat...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife ...

A boy asked his father,

Father, why am I named Leaf?

The father, who was waiting for this moment to come, replied sweetly.

Oh son, when the caring winds first caressed you, it was a single leaf that gently sat on your head. You were named after that, Leaf.

The boy asked again. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I trapped a couple vegans in my basement

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf​!'

Adam and Eve

Adam bit the apple and feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind a bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.

What do you get when you put Scrabble letters in a leaf blower?

The Welsh Language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joined a poker club

Just signed up for poker at a club and all the members have these "lucky charms" on the table this guy has a glass cube with a 4 leaf clover in it that girl has a mini bronze doggie statue, you get the point. So the next week I wanted bring a charm to fit in, but I forgot but the novelty store next ...

How does an elephant get down from a tree?

It sits on a leaf and waits until autumn

I turned over a brand new leaf today...

the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.

Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree?

Only the leaf reached the ground.

“Mommy, why did you name me rose?”

“Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”

“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”

“Yes, it is”

“Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”

“Shut up brick”

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The ...

My friend told me this joke recently.

A girl asked her mother why she was named Rose.

Her mother replied, "Well, it's because as we were walking out of the hospital with you, a rose petal fell on your head. Because of that, we decided to name you Rose."

Rose asked, "So is that why my brother is named Leaf?"

"Yup." R...

What did the vegans say when they were captured and put into a small space?

Kelp! Lettuce leaf! There isn’t mushroom in here...

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

An emo and a leaf were sitting at the top of a tree...

they both fall off at the same time? Which one hits the ground first?
The leaf.
The emo got caught by the rope.

What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln?

They can't finish a play.

I went to the local shop

requested some tobacco.


He instead gave me some sweets wrapped in a leaf.


I was like, no paan intended.

The kids with special names

The oldest kid asked her mother. “Mom, why did you name me Feather?”

Mom: “I named you Feather because when you were a newborn a feather landed on your head”

The second oldest kid named Leaf asked the same.

Mom: “I named you Leaf because when you were a newborn a leaf landed on...

What did one leaf say to another when he jumped off a cliff?

"I Believe"

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walks into a neighborhood pub

The place is hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use ...

A boy approached his mother and asked about his name.

He asked, “Mom, why am I named Leif?”
His mother replied with, “Because when you were a baby a leaf fell on your head.” Satisfied with the answer he left to go play.

A few minutes later the boys sister approached the mom and asked, “ Mom, why am I named Rosie?”
Her mother replied with, ...

Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...

...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers...

because they all sucked.

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

British: We call it autumn which comes from the french word "autumpne" and later, the latin "autumnus"

American: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common?

They both look good until they hit the ice.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

If I flip my new Nissan electric car ...

Am I turning over a new Leaf?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mama, why is my brother's name Leaf?"

"Because when he was born, a leaf fell on his head."

"Well, why is my sister named Rose?"

"When she was born, a rose petal fell on her head."

"Then why is my name Brick?"

"Look, we just got sick of the nature theme, okay? Deal with it and be grateful your name isn't JizzA...

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

Two elephants was eating some leafs and some grass at the savana

For the first time of their lives they see a naked man running in front of them.
One of the elephants wait a second, then bewildered turns to his friend and says:
I wonder how he gets his food to his mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Apocalypse Now: Eh

I have this idea that at the end of the world, there will be one thing left... poof, Big Bang, and there they stand, in a flannel jacket and a maple leaf toque; a Canadian apologizing for it.

A man walks into a bar and sees a short man playing maple leaf rag

"Wow! I've never seen anything like it!"

The bartender in the back yells, "Yeah, there's a genie in the other room"

The man, filled with awe, goes to the genie and asks for a million bucks. A million ducks start quacking around him.

The man, very confused, walks back to the bart...

How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nobody knows.

They always say they'll do it next year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mexican, a chinese guy and an american are all in a desert...

The mexican has a giant leaf, the chinese guy has a hat and the american has a car door.

The mexican says he likes to fan himself when it gets hot.

The chinese guy says he likes to wear his hat.

And the american finally says that he likes to roll down the window.


...

What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?

Turn off their console and go to sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks…

…because the other is a buoy ant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man with a leaf of cabbage stuck in his ass went to the doctors...

"Doctor! Doctor! theres a piece of lettuce stuck in my ass, what should I do?"

The Doctor had a look and replied "would you like the good news, or the bad news first?"

"the good news" asked the Man.

"The good news is, it's only a piece of lettuce"

"and the bad news?"
<...

What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl?

Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does an elephant get in a tree?

A: By sitting on a sapling and waiting for the tree to grow underneath it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?

A: It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

Q: Why did the elephant fall from the tree?

A: It thought it was a leaf.

Q: Why did another elephant...

My diet guide is nowhere near as helpful as my vegan friend's diet guide.

I think I'll take a leaf out of his book.

How does loose leaf watch TV?

Paper-view

Spring

Winter can be pretty dreary with all the bare trees,
so when spring comes it's such a re-leaf.

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal t...

What does it mean when a groundhog sees a maple leaf on feb. 02?

...six more weeks of bad hockey!

Why can't the Maple Leafs have any tea?

Because Boston has all the cups!

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off with a leaf and apologise.

A hippoptamus has brought his dissertation to defend before the doctoral committee.

The first professor picks up the dissertation and leafs through it. "Hm, interesting," she says. "Follow me, if you please." She leads the hippo and the rest of the committee out to her car which they pile into and drive to her house. She takes them to her reading room. She sets the papers down on a...

What do you call a treehugger that becomes a prostitue?

Leaf blower

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.