UPJOKE
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A Leaf and an Emo fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?

The Leaf. Because the rope stopped the Emo.

I heard the Toronto Maple Leafs now have the milk board as their sponsor.

Now they only have to put in 2% of the effort.

At the dentist.

Was at the dentist this morning and there was a BMW brochure in the waiting room for some reason so I had a leaf through it and I was surprised to learn that indicators come as standard on them.

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a sperm donor?

One blows leads, the other blows loads

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...

But then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

A girl runs up to her mother.

"Mummy, why am I named Feather?"
"Because when you were newborn a feather came falling from the sky and landed on your forehead."

Next day the little brother comes running.

"Mummy, why am I named Leaf?"
"Because when you were newborn a leaf came falling from the sky and lande...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bathroom

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the reveler...

This year, I've decided to turn over a new Leaf

Dealership wasn't very happy.

A dispute between two vegans at green grocers shop turned violent when one of them started throwing a leaf vegetable with somewhat jagged leaves at the other! The second vegan responded by picking them up and hurling them back!

It was either kale or be kaled.

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?

This is a fine mesh we've gotten ourselves into!

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...

He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

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Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

Why was the grass wet?

It saw the leaf blower coming

There were 3 brothers: Little Snowflake, Little Leaf, and Little Brick...

So one day Little Snowflake goes up to his mum and asks her:
- Why am I called like this?
- Because when you were born, a Snowflake fell on your forehead
So Lil' Snowie all excited goes up to his brothers and tells them that they should ask what about their names, so Little Leaf goes up to ...

What fell to the floor first ... The depressed kid or a leaf???

The leaf cause the boy was left hanging

A Chicago Blackhawks fan, a Boston Bruins fan, a Montreal Canadiens fan, and a Toronto Maple Leafs fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Bruins fan yells, "This is for Boston!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.

The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up t...

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

what is the one rule that a gang of vegan bros live by?

Leaf before beef

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A man goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf in his arse

Doctor says "no worries we can remove this easily"
Man replies "doc, this is just the tip of the iceberg"

They say dracula has turned over a new leaf

He's been re-vamped

A rabbit goes for a run through the forest

As he’s running a cones across a possum about to light up a joint. The rabbit says, “Oh no! Mr. Possum! Don’t do that! It’s so bad for you. Come running with me and stay healthy!” The possum looks at his joint and decides they the rabbit is right and he needs to get healthy. So off they go for a run...

I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet...

I thought, “Well he's pushing his luck!”

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

Spring has officially arrived in Ontario.

The Leafs are out.

What do you call an aged leaf drink?

Maturi-Tea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Neighbors pissed cause I wanted to surprise them with a clean yard before they woke up.

Hauled my leaf blower over there for no reason.

I turned over a brand new leaf today...

the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.

Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter?

Because nature abhors a vacuum

leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

My leaf blower doesn’t work

It just sucks!

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.

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A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The ...

Here’s a simple trick to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.

Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree?

Only the leaf reached the ground.

What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?

Turn off their console and go to sleep.

What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common...

They both look great until they hit the ice.

I was out camping recently when I found out that I had run out of toilet roll…

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers...

because they all sucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the toronto maple leafs were so bad at hockey the...

organization decided, 'ya know what, we got this group of guys here. great with their hands. lets just fuckin open a chain of pizzerias'.

Brilliant, I happened to be living in toronto at the time and wanted some za, called them for a plain cheez. & they couldnt deliver.

A nun walks in to a bar

A nun named merry walks into a PPCW bar and goes straight to the bartender Guy,
merry: Hi! May I use your bathroom?
Bartender Guy: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.
merry: Yes?
Bartender Guy: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude ...

What did one leaf say to another when he jumped off a cliff?

"I Believe"

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Ageism joke

A son asks his father: How do women age?
The father answers:" Women age just like onions, son. They bloat with each year, until they start to stink like a spoiled, rotten, onion."
The wife hears and tells the son:" That's nothing! Men age like Christmas trees. First they loose the leafs, then ...

What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln?

They can't finish a play.

How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nobody knows.

They always say they'll do it next year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

A mother had three sons: Leaf, Feather and Brick.

Leaf came one day to his mom and said: "Mom, why did you call me Leaf?"

"Well son, ", replied his mom, "When you were born a leaf fell on your head and it was so cute and I couldn't hold myself from naming you like that".

Years passed and Feather came one day to his mom and said: "Mom...

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man with a leaf of cabbage stuck in his ass went to the doctors...

"Doctor! Doctor! theres a piece of lettuce stuck in my ass, what should I do?"

The Doctor had a look and replied "would you like the good news, or the bad news first?"

"the good news" asked the Man.

"The good news is, it's only a piece of lettuce"

"and the bad news?"
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mama, why is my brother's name Leaf?"

"Because when he was born, a leaf fell on his head."

"Well, why is my sister named Rose?"

"When she was born, a rose petal fell on her head."

"Then why is my name Brick?"

"Look, we just got sick of the nature theme, okay? Deal with it and be grateful your name isn't JizzA...

Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks…

…because the other is a buoy ant

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

How does loose leaf watch TV?

Paper-view

What is the best herb to give your lover?

A BAE leaf

Set up by a 4 year old

True story. This morning my 4 year old granddaughter asked if I new what a baby jumper was. I told told her I didn’t know. So she grinned, began jumping up and down, and told me it’s a baby that jumps.

Bear with me. I didn’t realize her literal answer was just a set up.

She then asked ...

A tree pun

Why can't you be in a same room with trees?
Because they'll leaf

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife...

I was trying to survive in the woods when I realized I ran out of toilet paper.

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grills’ book.

Two Canadians die and go to hell.

Satan puts them in their own cell and turns up the heat to 49C, figuring that’s a good temperature to start newcomers. He comes back a while later to find the Canadians shirtless but smiling.

“It never gets this warm in Canada we’re enjoying while it lasts.” One of them explains when a mystif...

A mom is driving to the grocery store with her kids

One of her kids say, “Mom why did you name me Rose?”

The mom says, “When you were born and we walked out of the hospital with you a rose landed on your head so I named you Rose.”

Another one of her kids ask, “Mom why did you name me Leaf?”

The mom says, “When you were born an...

What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common...

The last picture of the Titanic was in Black&White, so was the last picture of the Maple Leafs with the Stanley Cup

What does it mean when a groundhog sees a maple leaf on feb. 02?

...six more weeks of bad hockey!

What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl?

Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over.

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