UPJOKE
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What does a Maple Leafs fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?

Turns off the Playstation and goes to bed.


Too soon?

I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...

But then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a sperm donor?

One blows leads, the other blows loads

A Leaf and an Emo fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?

The Leaf. Because the rope stopped the Emo.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

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Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

This year, I've decided to turn over a new Leaf

Dealership wasn't very happy.

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

A dispute between two vegans at green grocers shop turned violent when one of them started throwing a leaf vegetable with somewhat jagged leaves at the other! The second vegan responded by picking them up and hurling them back!

It was either kale or be kaled.

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

Spring has officially arrived in Ontario.

The Leafs are out.

What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?

This is a fine mesh we've gotten ourselves into!

A rabbit goes for a run through the forest

As he’s running a cones across a possum about to light up a joint. The rabbit says, “Oh no! Mr. Possum! Don’t do that! It’s so bad for you. Come running with me and stay healthy!” The possum looks at his joint and decides they the rabbit is right and he needs to get healthy. So off they go for a run...

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...

He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

What fell to the floor first ... The depressed kid or a leaf???

The leaf cause the boy was left hanging

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.

A Chicago Blackhawks fan, a Boston Bruins fan, a Montreal Canadiens fan, and a Toronto Maple Leafs fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Bruins fan yells, "This is for Boston!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.

The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up t...

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Neighbors pissed cause I wanted to surprise them with a clean yard before they woke up.

Hauled my leaf blower over there for no reason.

Here’s a simple trick to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.

Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

There were 3 brothers: Little Snowflake, Little Leaf, and Little Brick...

So one day Little Snowflake goes up to his mum and asks her:
- Why am I called like this?
- Because when you were born, a Snowflake fell on your forehead
So Lil' Snowie all excited goes up to his brothers and tells them that they should ask what about their names, so Little Leaf goes up to ...

I was out camping recently when I found out that I had run out of toilet roll…

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

They say dracula has turned over a new leaf

He's been re-vamped

I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet...

I thought, “Well he's pushing his luck!”

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A man goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf in his arse

Doctor says "no worries we can remove this easily"
Man replies "doc, this is just the tip of the iceberg"

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

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Ageism joke

A son asks his father: How do women age?
The father answers:" Women age just like onions, son. They bloat with each year, until they start to stink like a spoiled, rotten, onion."
The wife hears and tells the son:" That's nothing! Men age like Christmas trees. First they loose the leafs, then ...

A nun walks in to a bar

A nun named merry walks into a PPCW bar and goes straight to the bartender Guy,
merry: Hi! May I use your bathroom?
Bartender Guy: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.
merry: Yes?
Bartender Guy: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude ...

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

What do you call an aged leaf drink?

Maturi-Tea

What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?

Absent-tea parent.

Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter?

Because nature abhors a vacuum

I turned over a brand new leaf today...

the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.

My leaf blower doesn’t work

It just sucks!

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Tired of urban living

After years of the rat race, I found that I finally had enough saved to get away, as long as I did it thoughtfully. I wanted to be away from people, from cars, buildings, you name it. I didn't care if I didn't talk to anyone any more. With e-commerce so prevalent now, anything I needed could be deli...

leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

Set up by a 4 year old

True story. This morning my 4 year old granddaughter asked if I new what a baby jumper was. I told told her I didn’t know. So she grinned, began jumping up and down, and told me it’s a baby that jumps.

Bear with me. I didn’t realize her literal answer was just a set up.

She then asked ...

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A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The ...

I was trying to survive in the woods when I realized I ran out of toilet paper.

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grills’ book.

Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree?

Only the leaf reached the ground.

A tree pun

Why can't you be in a same room with trees?
Because they'll leaf

A mom is driving to the grocery store with her kids

One of her kids say, “Mom why did you name me Rose?”

The mom says, “When you were born and we walked out of the hospital with you a rose landed on your head so I named you Rose.”

Another one of her kids ask, “Mom why did you name me Leaf?”

The mom says, “When you were born an...

A mother had three sons: Leaf, Feather and Brick.

Leaf came one day to his mom and said: "Mom, why did you call me Leaf?"

"Well son, ", replied his mom, "When you were born a leaf fell on your head and it was so cute and I couldn't hold myself from naming you like that".

Years passed and Feather came one day to his mom and said: "Mom...

What is the best herb to give your lover?

A BAE leaf

The Master Chef

A master chef brags to another man that he has at long last created the perfect dish. A dish so delicious that no man alive could resist it culinary divinity.

The man asks how such a dish is possible.

The chef responds that the secret is his artfully crafted blend of herbs and spices t...

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?

Turn off their console and go to sleep.

Where's the best place to store your leaf collection?

In your portfoliage

I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers...

because they all sucked.

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the toronto maple leafs were so bad at hockey the...

organization decided, 'ya know what, we got this group of guys here. great with their hands. lets just fuckin open a chain of pizzerias'.

Brilliant, I happened to be living in toronto at the time and wanted some za, called them for a plain cheez. & they couldnt deliver.

What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common...

They both look great until they hit the ice.

3 little pigs

A wolf goes to the house of the first pig, which was made of straw. "Come out you pig, or I will huff and puff and blow your straw house down".

The pig stays put and the wolf starts huffing and puffing. Frightened now, the pig sneaks out the back door just as his straw house starts to blow ...

Two Canadians die and go to hell.

Satan puts them in their own cell and turns up the heat to 49C, figuring that’s a good temperature to start newcomers. He comes back a while later to find the Canadians shirtless but smiling.

“It never gets this warm in Canada we’re enjoying while it lasts.” One of them explains when a mystif...

What did one leaf say to another when he jumped off a cliff?

"I Believe"

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nobody knows.

They always say they'll do it next year.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife...

Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto?

So that Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.

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"Mama, why is my brother's name Leaf?"

"Because when he was born, a leaf fell on his head."

"Well, why is my sister named Rose?"

"When she was born, a rose petal fell on her head."

"Then why is my name Brick?"

"Look, we just got sick of the nature theme, okay? Deal with it and be grateful your name isn't JizzA...

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A Man with a leaf of cabbage stuck in his ass went to the doctors...

"Doctor! Doctor! theres a piece of lettuce stuck in my ass, what should I do?"

The Doctor had a look and replied "would you like the good news, or the bad news first?"

"the good news" asked the Man.

"The good news is, it's only a piece of lettuce"

"and the bad news?"
<...

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

A tree, a herb and a bush were chilling together in the jungle one day when they came face to face (or leaf to face) with God..

God tells them that they must each do one deed to save the dying planet.


The tree convinces all of its kind to double their oxygen output, making the Earth's air fresher and cleaner than it ever was.


The herb begins synthesizing the ultimate cure all compound in its leaves, whi...

Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks…

…because the other is a buoy ant

How does loose leaf watch TV?

Paper-view

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

What did the stoner say to his girlfriend?

"I love you more than leaf itself."

What does it mean when a groundhog sees a maple leaf on feb. 02?

...six more weeks of bad hockey!

Leafblowers are dangerous

Be careful! If you point a leaf blower upwards, it blows up.

What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl?

Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over.

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Did you know trees poop?

Well, where do you think #2 pencils come from? Sorry, thats was crappy. I’ll leaf now

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

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A guy walks into a bar

With a parrot welded to one of his shoulders and a leprechaun sitting on the other.


He says to the bartender I'll have a larger for me, an orange juice for the parrot and he winces as he asks the leprechaun "what do you want?"

The leprechaun says "I want a pint of fuckin whishkey...

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A Toronto man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Toronto.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

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Three men for and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls ...

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