Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

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Butterhead, celtuce, and leaf are all types of lettuce...

But thats just the tip of the iceberg.

A man ironed his four leaf clover

He was pressing his luck

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

A mother had three sons: Leaf, Feather and Brick.

Leaf came one day to his mom and said: "Mom, why did you call me Leaf?"

"Well son, ", replied his mom, "When you were born a leaf fell on your head and it was so cute and I couldn't hold myself from naming you like that".

Years passed and Feather came one day to his mom and said: "Mom...

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

Why don't you iron four-leaf clovers?

Because you don't want to press your luck.

My leaf blower doesn’t work

It just sucks!

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

A nun walks into Hooters... [NSFW]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walks into Hooters. The place was buzzing with music and conversation, and every once in a while the lights would go out. Each time the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers, however when the revelers saw the nun the place went dead silent. S...

What do you get when you put Scrabble letters in a leaf blower?

The Welsh Language

I turned over a brand new leaf today...

the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover?

A rash of good luck

Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree?

Only the leaf reached the ground.

What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln?

They can't finish a play.

An emo and a leaf were sitting at the top of a tree...

they both fall off at the same time? Which one hits the ground first?
The leaf.
The emo got caught by the rope.

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

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A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The ...

What did one leaf say to another when he jumped off a cliff?

"I Believe"

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the toronto maple leafs were so bad at hockey the...

organization decided, 'ya know what, we got this group of guys here. great with their hands. lets just fuckin open a chain of pizzerias'.

Brilliant, I happened to be living in toronto at the time and wanted some za, called them for a plain cheez. & they couldnt deliver.

Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...

...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers...

because they all sucked.

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common?

They both look good until they hit the ice.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

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"Mama, why is my brother's name Leaf?"

"Because when he was born, a leaf fell on his head."

"Well, why is my sister named Rose?"

"When she was born, a rose petal fell on her head."

"Then why is my name Brick?"

"Look, we just got sick of the nature theme, okay? Deal with it and be grateful your name isn't JizzA...

What do you call a vegetarian with bad gas?

A leaf blower

Two elephants was eating some leafs and some grass at the savana

For the first time of their lives they see a naked man running in front of them.
One of the elephants wait a second, then bewildered turns to his friend and says:
I wonder how he gets his food to his mouth.

What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?

Turn off their console and go to sleep.

What did the vegans say when they were captured and put into a small space?

Kelp! Lettuce leaf! There isn’t mushroom in here...

The kids with special names

The oldest kid asked her mother. “Mom, why did you name me Feather?”

Mom: “I named you Feather because when you were a newborn a feather landed on your head”

The second oldest kid named Leaf asked the same.

Mom: “I named you Leaf because when you were a newborn a leaf landed on...

My friend told me this joke recently.

A girl asked her mother why she was named Rose.

Her mother replied, "Well, it's because as we were walking out of the hospital with you, a rose petal fell on your head. Because of that, we decided to name you Rose."

Rose asked, "So is that why my brother is named Leaf?"

"Yup." R...

A man walks into a bar and sees a short man playing maple leaf rag

"Wow! I've never seen anything like it!"

The bartender in the back yells, "Yeah, there's a genie in the other room"

The man, filled with awe, goes to the genie and asks for a million bucks. A million ducks start quacking around him.

The man, very confused, walks back to the bart...

How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nobody knows.

They always say they'll do it next year.

Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks…

…because the other is a buoy ant

I went to the local shop

requested some tobacco.


He instead gave me some sweets wrapped in a leaf.


I was like, no paan intended.

What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common...

The last picture of the Titanic was in Black&White, so was the last picture of the Maple Leafs with the Stanley Cup

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A Man with a leaf of cabbage stuck in his ass went to the doctors...

"Doctor! Doctor! theres a piece of lettuce stuck in my ass, what should I do?"

The Doctor had a look and replied "would you like the good news, or the bad news first?"

"the good news" asked the Man.

"The good news is, it's only a piece of lettuce"

"and the bad news?"
<...

A part of a tree fell on my car!

Luckily, that leaf didn't do much damage.

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The Toronto Maple Leaves

So a man is walking along and he finds a lamp. He runs the lamp, a genie pops out an says, "I will grant you one wish."

Man: "I wish I can live forever."

Genie: "I'm sorry but I can't grant that to you. Wish for anything else and it'll be my pleasure to grant it to you."

Man: "...

What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl?

Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over.

Where's the red light district in Toronto?

Behind the Maple Leafs' net.

What does it mean when a groundhog sees a maple leaf on feb. 02?

...six more weeks of bad hockey!

How does loose leaf watch TV?

Paper-view

A boy approached his mother and asked about his name.

He asked, “Mom, why am I named Leif?”
His mother replied with, “Because when you were a baby a leaf fell on your head.” Satisfied with the answer he left to go play.

A few minutes later the boys sister approached the mom and asked, “ Mom, why am I named Rosie?”
Her mother replied with, ...

Why can't the Maple Leafs have any tea?

Because Boston has all the cups!

The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

British: We call it autumn which comes from the french word "autumpne" and later, the latin "autumnus"

American: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL

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