UPJOKE
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I saw a man with a bucket on his head.

When i asked what he was doing, he explained "I always wear a bucket on my head on Monday."

"But today is Tuesday?" I asked.

He blushed. "Oh no, i must look like such an idiot!"

I still remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...

I sure hope this isn't the bucket that kills you after you kick it!

i recently got a newer, smaller bucket to replace my old one

it really pails in comparison

A University of Alabama graduate gets a job

He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.

"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."

What did the fisherman do at the doctor's office after accidentally swallowing a bucket full of worms?

He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

A farmer was milking his cow

At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.

Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.

"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

I tried giving blood as a charitable act..

..but they asked me all sorts of annoying questions, like where it came from and why it's in a bucket.

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Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

Two brothers from Ethiopia

Two brothers from Ethiopia opened up this place selling camel’s milk. They brought their own camels, all the way from Ethiopia. I was interested, so I paid them a visit.

They happened to be milking the camels when I came in. It wasn’t what I expected. Nagasi wiped his brow and cried out, “Sa...

My brother told me to make a bucket list so i did

Bucket List :

1. Plastic Bucket
2. Metal Bucket
3. Mop Bucket

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

My neighbor once ordered 5 gallons of paint. They screwed up and sent him a 10 pound bucket of Sodium.

That happened years ago and he is still salty about it.

Happy Halloween

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle-aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

A man stopped me in my path and waved his charity bucket at me.

"You!" he said. "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"

I stopped and said, "Do you?"

"Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course I do!"

I said, "Please move, then. I want to buy my lunch."

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A runner walks into a bar

An ultra runner jogs into a bar and orders a beer. She reaches into her sweaty sports bra and pulls out a sweaty crumpled $5 bill to pay. The bartender gingerly picks up the damp bill with a pair of tongs and dumps it in a bucket. "You realize every time I get money with bodily fluids on them I have...

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The Last Thing Grandpa Said Before He Kicked The Bucket

"Who in the FUCK keeps putting that mother FUCKING empty bucket at the goddamn foot of my MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN BED?!"

A woman walked up to me holding a bucket

“Excuse me, I’m collecting for the local swimming pool”

“Well it’ll take you bloody ages to fill it with that”

A bucket of zippos is easier to lift than a bucket of bricks

Zippos are lighter

The problem with the goose

A peasant goes to a country fair and buys two chickens, a bucket, an anvil, and a goose. Walking back to his village he meets a woman who asks him for directions to the village.
- Come with me, but let’s take a shortcut through the woods, much faster.
- No way! I know you men, once we’re in t...

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?

The bucket

Whats grey and comes in buckets?

Elephants

I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he kicked the bucket...

"Tom, I'm tired of you leaving this empty bucket around!"

A farmer stopped

by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of...

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I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop,

Or Finding Out He Was In All Of Them

A cowboy walks into a bar

"I'd like twenty martinis in a bucket."

"Why?"

"My horse likes them."

"This I've got to see."

The bartender mixes them up and they walk out to the horse. The horse puts his muzzle in and slurps them down.

The bartender says, "That's the damnest thing I ever saw. ...

I saw someone tip a bucket of mayonnaise on my car.

What the Hellman!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

My boss asked me why I left a bucket of fried chicken on his doorstep

I told him I was tendering my resignation

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Moby Dick goes to a bar

And swims up to the bartender and orders his usual, a bucket of plankton. The shark bartender prepares his order and slides it over to the whale at the bar but notices the whale start eating without saying thanks.

“Hey, you’re welcome!” yells the bartender

A couple seconds goes by an...

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Vacuum cleaner salesman

a Vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet and said:
"If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it, I'll personally eat what's left."
I replied:
"I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning"

As a practical joke I arranged a bucket of liquid nitrogen so that it fell on our chemistry teacher when he opened the door.

He must have found it funny. He completely cracked up!

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

All my friends have such expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

What’s the difference between a piano, a fish, and a bucket of glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

Snails for Dinner

This guy and his wife lived somewhere where it was fairly common to go out and gather snails and cook them as a delicacy.

So they were having a dinner party, and the wife asks the husband to go get some snails to serve as appetizers. He takes a bucket and goes out and sets about his task. ...

I tried to buy a bucket for my metamorphic rocks.

But it wasn't for shale.

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

Why can’t frogs ever complete their bucket lists?

They croak before they even get started.

My brother recently got dysentery and kicked the bucket

That’s why we use a toilet, now.

A bucket of paint almost fell on my head

I nearly dyed

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Bucket Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."


The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." <...

A man walked into a Star Wars museum

...carrying an old rusted bucket by his side and demanded to know who was in charge.

"What can I help you with today, sir?" asked the confused curator.

"This here is an authentic piece of European history and once belonged to the King of England 1000 years ago."

"But," stutte...

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from th...

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A litt...

What did the titanic say as it was sinking...

I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge.

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

What's gray and comes in buckets?

An elephant.

My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket:

Always put on steel toes before doing this.

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

What’s the difference between an artist and a KFC chicken bucket?

A KFC chicken bucket can feed a family of 4

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

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A woman is like a bucket of KFC...

Once you're past the tender breasts and the juicy thighs all you have left is a greasy wet box to put your bone in.

Time to Quit Drinking

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate...

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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian both caught on fire in your gym and you only had ONE bucket of water.....

.... would you squat or deadlift first?

I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN!!

Too many stupid questions; whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

A Dumb Blonde goes Ice Fishing

They head out onto the ice with their bucket, fishing gear, and a big drill. As they put the drill bit on the ice surface, a voice booms out from all around:

**DON'T DRILL INTO THE ICE!**

The Dumb Blonde looks around fearfully and says meekly, "G-G-God? Is... <gulp> Is that you?"...

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

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An old farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a man walked up and asked if he minded if he fished in the farmers pond. The old farmer said “go right ahead.”

A couple of hours later, the man came back and asked the farmer if he had a bucket he can use. “I found some milkweed in your field and want to go back and get some milk.” They farmer said “you can’t get milk from them, that’s just what they’re called, but sure, go right ahead.” A little bit later, ...

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

A man decided one day to go fishing on a lake located inside a protected national park...

When he gets satisfied with his catch, he decides to head home. So there he is, walking through the park, fishes swimming in his bucket when suddenly the park ranger appears in front of him.

"What are you doing here?" asks the ranger.

"Oh you know, just taking a nice walk in nature en...

Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel

Great sedimental value.



(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)

I'm getting pretty old and I can feel myself slowing down, so I made a bucket list:

1) Change the "b" to an "f"

(-Jerry Seinfeld, sort of)

Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel.

Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.

My friend tried to convince me his colander can be used as a bucket.

I said the idea just doesn't hold water.

I told my friend my small bucket was sick.

“How do you know?” He asked. I replied, “It’s looking pail.”

What's worse than a baby in a bucket?

A baby in 8 buckets

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

I shortened the rope on the bucket ....

.......used to collect the villages water...

That didn't go down well....

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Obama went to meet Putin in Moscow…

…After dinner at the kremlin, Putin asks Obama to join him in a separate room. He leads Obama into a white room with three red buttons and a two- way mirror, and he closes the door behind him.

Not knowing what to do, Obama decides to press the first button. He pressed it and a giant boxing gl...

On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

What do you put in a bucket to make it lighter?

A torch.

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My friend is in hospital after someone threw a bucket of limp penises at him...

... It was a flaccid attack

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

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