I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the...

I still remember my Dad’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said, “Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking...

An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

A man walks into a bar with a chicken and a bucket.

The barman looks puzzled and query’s the man as to why he has these items. The man replies that it’s a rare dancing chicken and offers to show the barman in exchange for a free drink. The barman agrees and the man sets the bucket down and places the chicken on top.

The chicken, amazingly, st...

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There's a bucket carrying competition.

Competitors have to carry water filled buckets.
First dude picks 2 bucket, 2 in both hands.
Second dude picks 3, 2 in both hands and hangs 3rd on his dick.
Third dude wins the competition by lifting 5 buckets, 2 in both hands and the Second dude on his dick.

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An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.

The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to ea...

What do you put in a bucket to make it lighter?

A torch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker

One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "...

What's the difference between a can and a bucket?

If you kick a can, you get excercise. If you kick a bucket, you die.

A guy walks into a room to see his father standing over a bucket filled with red liquid.

"Father, what's happening?" he asks. The father replies
"I'm dying, son."



"Father, I said I wanted my shirts blue, not red!"







Sorry it's bad but hey, it's not a repost!
EDITED for clarification (am on mobile)

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

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A man walks into a bar an sees a really angry looking horse tied up at the end of the bar with a bucket of $20's near him

The man asks the bartender "Whats the deal with the horse and the money?"
Bartender goes "That's the angriest horse in the world, anyone who can get him to ease up gets the bucket of cash. $20 bucks though if ya lose."
The man walks over to the horse and whispers something in its ear and the h...

I just finished all 18 things on my bucket list

Edit: beer bucket.

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

What's the difference between a bucket and a tub?

For starters, the bucket pails in comparison.

A mathematician has one foot in a bucket of lava and the other on a block of ice

On average, he's okay.

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A mum asks her kid with a speech impediment to go the shop to get her a bucket, cockroach and a drum.

He goes to the music shop and says can I have a bum please, the shopkeeper replies what? The kid say a bum and points to the drum. The shopkeep say ohhh a drum and the kid says yeah that's what I said a bum.

He goes to the hardware store and asks for a fuckit, the shopkeeper looks at him conf...

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Horse and bucket

A man walks into a bar, and see a horse with a bucket of money in the back end of the bar. So he walks up to the bartender and asks about the horse. The bartender tells him that it's an on going bet. If you can make the horse laugh, then you win the bucket of money, if you don't you put a dollar in....

A farmer was walking into town to do some errands

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to...

One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...

One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. H...

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[NSFW] I remember my Dad catching me masturbating when I was a teenager

He sternly told me "and you can save that until you're married!"

Imagine his shock when I turned up 12 years later at the evening reception with three buckets full and asked him what I was supposed to do with it now.

Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel

Great sedimental value.



(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is like a bucket of KFC...

Once you're past the tender breasts and the juicy thighs all you have left is a greasy wet box to put your bone in.

What’s worse than raining buckets?

Hailing taxis

A child with cancer goes skydiving for his bucket list

He's now at terminal velocity.

My girlfriend asked me if I'd ever seen "The Bucket List."

I said no, but I'd like to before I die.

The Mop Bucket

A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming a...

Everyone has these expansive bucket lists

Mine is a little pail in comparison

How do you burn a bucket of water?

Tell it that it would be cooler if it were a bucket of ice.

My bucket of water seemed nervous.

It was looking pail.

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

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What is the difference between most of these jokes on this sub and a bucket full of shit?

The bucket.

I recently told my blonde friend that my grandfather kicked the bucket the other day.

She asked, "Is his foot okay?"

How did the bucket's mom know he was sick?

He was a little pail.

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A man put his charity bucket in my face.

He said, "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"

I stopped and said, "Do you?"

"Do I?" he hesitated, "Of course I do."

I said, "Get the fuck out my way then, I want to buy my lunch."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a bucket full of money...

There is a sign on it that reads "Chance to win". Naturally the man ask the bartender how, the bartender replies "You have to do three things. 1: drink a four foot bottle of whiskey in under 5 minutes. 2: There is a 250lb pitbull in the back and he has a bad tooth that you need to extract by hand. 3...

Once, a bucket of Sodium Hydroxide slipped out of Skrillex's hands.

He dropped the base.

What's the difference between a red bucket and a green spade

One is a red bucket and one is a green spade.

My new bucket really does its job well.

My old one pails in comparison.

A tiny bucket asks to leave work early because he's sick

His boss looks him over. Alright you can, i notice you are a little pail.

On Christmas morning, a man says to his seamstress wife "take this small metal bucket"

"as a thimble of my love"

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What does Charlie Bucket call Willy Wonka?

His Sugar Daddy.

A farmer walks into his barn with a bucket.

He starts milking his cow, while a pesky fly continues to buzz around the cows head. Suddenly the fly goes straight in to the cows ear. The farmer doesn't think much of it, just continues milking, when suddenly it shoots out into the bucket. The farmer, freaked out, exclaimed "it went in one ear and...