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Bucket Jokes

I saw a man with a bucket on his head.

When i asked what he was doing, he explained "I always wear a bucket on my head on Monday."

"But today is Tuesday?" I asked.

He blushed. "Oh no, i must look like such an idiot!"

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

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What’s the difference between lawyers and a bucket of shit?

The bucket

Do you know the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

i recently got a newer, smaller bucket to replace my old one

it really pails in comparison

The Mop Bucket

A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming a...

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

I finally crossed running a marathon off my bucket list

No chance I was ever going to do it, glad it’s gone.

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A woman is like a bucket of KFC...

Once you're past the tender breasts and the juicy thighs all you have left is a greasy wet box to put your bone in.

Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel

Great sedimental value.



(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)

I've really got into cosplaying as a bucket recently, but my outfit isn't that good.

It's just a pail imitation.

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

A bucket of zippos is easier to lift than a bucket of bricks

Zippos are lighter

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

What did the shovel say to the white bucket?

You look a bit pail today.

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

A woman walked up to me holding a bucket

“Excuse me, I’m collecting for the local swimming pool”

“Well it’ll take you bloody ages to fill it with that”

I was visiting a mental hospital

And I asked the director how they know if someone is insane and needs to be committed. He says ‘it’s actually very simple, we fill up a bathtub and offer the patient a bucket, a teacup, and a teaspoon and ask them to empty the bathtub’. ‘Oh I see’ I said, ‘and a sane person would choose the bucket...

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

An elderly man in Louisiana ...

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there f...

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

Edit: wow, front page of reddit! For those commenting on the distasteful nature of these joke, remind yourself.. It's a joke. The joke is based on wordplay, quick delivery, and is in no way designed to be racist. Slavery was never something to laugh about.

Edit 2: Holy g...

Whats grey and comes in buckets?

Elephants

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Bucket Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."


The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." <...

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

Did you know that if you mix diet coke, bicarb soda, table salt and bleach together in a mop bucket....

You get yelled at by the manager of Walmart

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The Last Thing Grandpa Said Before He Kicked The Bucket

"Who in the FUCK keeps putting that mother FUCKING empty bucket at the goddamn foot of my MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN BED?!"

All my friends have such expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

What did the fisherman do at the doctor's office after accidentally swallowing a bucket full of worms?

He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath

I saw someone tip a bucket of mayonnaise on my car.

What the Hellman!

On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

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Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

A University of Alabama graduate gets a job

He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.

"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

Why can’t frogs ever complete their bucket lists?

They croak before they even get started.

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

A man stopped me in my path and waved his charity bucket at me.

"You!" he said. "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"

I stopped and said, "Do you?"

"Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course I do!"

I said, "Please move, then. I want to buy my lunch."

A bucket of paint almost fell on my head

I nearly dyed

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

What’s the difference between a piano, a fish, and a bucket of glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

What's gray and comes in buckets?

An elephant.

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees a farmer sitting at the bar looking depressed.

The man walks up to the farmer and asks "What's wrong with ya pal?"

The farmer replies "Oh, some things you just can't explain"

The man then says "Try me"

The farmer looks at the man and begins...

I tried to buy a bucket for my metamorphic rocks.

But it wasn't for shale.

My brother recently got dysentery and kicked the bucket

That’s why we use a toilet, now.

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

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I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop,

Or Finding Out He Was In All Of Them

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

My neighbor once ordered 5 gallons of paint. They screwed up and sent him a 10 pound bucket of Sodium.

That happened years ago and he is still salty about it.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...

An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...

My boss asked me why I left a bucket of fried chicken on his doorstep

I told him I was tendering my resignation

I told my friend my small bucket was sick.

“How do you know?” He asked. I replied, “It’s looking pail.”

I shortened the rope on the bucket ....

.......used to collect the villages water...

That didn't go down well....

What’s the difference between an artist and a KFC chicken bucket?

A KFC chicken bucket can feed a family of 4

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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

A farmer walks into his barn with a bucket.

He starts milking his cow, while a pesky fly continues to buzz around the cows head. Suddenly the fly goes straight in to the cows ear. The farmer doesn't think much of it, just continues milking, when suddenly it shoots out into the bucket. The farmer, freaked out, exclaimed "it went in one ear and...

What's worse than a baby in a bucket?

A baby in 8 buckets

A child was talking to his grandpa

**Kid**: "Grandpa, can you give that bucket over there a kick ?"

**Grandpa**: "Yes I can ! But why are you asking ?"

**Kid**: "Because dad told me that we're gonna be rich when you kick the bucket"

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"Oh my!" she exclaims. "It's coming down in ...

A dead ethopian left behind an unfinished bucket list

1. Eat

My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket:

Always put on steel toes before doing this.

What's the difference between a bucket and a tub?

For starters, the bucket pails in comparison.

What’s worse than raining buckets?

Hailing taxis

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

A bucket goes to the doctor

The bucket was feeling ill, and decided to go to a physician.

The doctor, seeing as this was a new patient, asked him, "tell me about yourself first."

"Well, I can hold about 1/2 a gallon of liquid. I'm 3 years old, and I have to tell you, I feel pretty under the weather."

The ...

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said: "Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."

Yep, he really put his whole body weight into that kick. So when I moved the bucket last second he fell and broke his neck.

What do you put in a bucket to make it lighter?

A torch.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A child with cancer goes skydiving for his bucket list

He's now at terminal velocity.

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