What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

A man is playing basketball with his son...

“Son, if you can make this shot, I’ll get you a new amp for that guitar you play. But if you miss, you have to eat this bag of sand. What’ll it be? &?”

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As Jesus was traversing a vast expanse of sand and heat he came across a homosexual, dying from thirst.

As the son of god Jesus pitied the man, saved his life, and offered to lead him out if this forsaken land. Gladly the man agreed to follow him out of the desert.

Soon Jesus came across a tortoise that had fallen on it's back. As he bent down to help this poor creature the gay man, who had no...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is better than sex on the beach?

Not having sand in your vagina.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...

He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"

The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"

The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"

What do you get when you cross the ocean with sand?

Honestly, I'm not that *shore* myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quick sand?

Quatro Sink. Oh!

What's dead, brown, and covered in sand?

Shamima Begum's kids.

Women are like sand...

fun to play with only when wet.

The story of snow, sand and brick.

This is the story of three kids named snow, sand and brick.
One day, snow asked his mother:
Mom, why did you named me snow ?
His mother answered:
This is because when you were born, a little bit of snow fell on your head.
Then, sand comes in and asked his mother:
Mom, why did you n...

After months, the person who keeps piling dirt on my land is now using sand.

The plot thickens.

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

What did the sand say to the gravel when asked "How are you?"

I am FINE bro.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book...

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

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Poetry contest

At a poetry contest where the contestants are given one word they must create a poem from, there was competition between a well regarded poet and a redneck. The word given to them was “Timbuktu” and the poet was to go first.

Almost immediately the poet starts speaking..

“Slowly across...

What’s the difference between a truck loaded with sand and a truck loaded with babies?

You can’t unload the sand with a pitchfork.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Maria had 3 children, snowflake, sand, and brick.

One day snowflake goes to her mom and asks her: Mom, why am I called snowflake? Then the mother replies: Because when you were born, a snowflake fell on your head. The next day goes Sand and asks: Mom, why am I called Sand? And the mother replies: Because when you were born, a small grain of sand f...

Why cant you starve in the desert?

Because of the sand which is there.

A child asks why their name is...

A mother and father are going through baby photos with their three children when the first child looks up to his mother and asks...

"Momma, why did you call me Sand?"

And the mother replies, "Well, we named you Sand because when you were born a grain of sand landed on your forehead"...

What do you call a witch who only eats sand?

Anything you like - she’s dead.

All the politicians sudnly disapeer

They appear in a empty desert.

They spend the first day looking around.

The second day they call a meeting.

The third day price of sand goes up by 300%.

I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?

In an explosion.

I'd make a joke about quick sand...

However, it'd probably take a while to sink in.

Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

What did a pile of sand say to another in sahara

Long time no sea

Why do people never starve to death in the desert?

Because of all the sandwiches there.

A man finds a lamp buried in a sand dune.

He wipes some of the sand off the lamp and a genie appears. Before the man can even say anything, the genie exclaims "I can only grant you one wish, so choose wisely." After some thought the man says "my wife has always wanted to go to Hawaii but she's afraid of flying and she wont get on a boat bec...

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

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Sand Paper Sally (NSFW)

Guy walks into a whore house lookin to get laid

He walks up to the front desk and asks who is working manager replies "Sand paper sally"

He says alright ill give her a go gets up to the room and there she is legs spread ready to go

They get to fuckin and it is the worst sex he h...

Yesterday I lost 100 sheets of sandpaper...

But I have a rough idea where they are

A teacher calls her first grade class

from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy...

What do you get when you have three lawyers up to their necks in sand?

More sand.

I love relaxing with some sand paper

It's just a little something to take the edge off

I once tried eating the sands of time...

It was very time consuming.

Two guys were walking though the Sahara

They suddenly see a tiger approaching .

One guy throws sand in the tiger's eyes and he runs away.

The other guy keeps standing still.

"RUN MAN, WHY ARE YOU STANDING STILL??"

"Well I didn't throw the sand at him"

Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel

Great sedimental value.



(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)

What's the difference between a container with sand and a container with babies in it?

I can't use a pitchfork to empty the container with sand.

I saw a single set of footprints in the sand...

"Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?"

"My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea-weed.

*First joke my 4 year old son learnt

A boy and a girl are playing naked in the sand, when the boy starts laughing at the girl that she does not have a peepee. The girl just grins and says...

When I grow up, I will have as many peepees as I like.

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.

The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a ...

A pirate comes across a skull just sitting there randomly in the sand crying.

The pirate asks "Why are you crying?" The skull replies through its tears " I'm all alone, I have nobody!"

How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes?

Very satisfying.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

American politics is like sand

It's coarse and gets everywhere.

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.

At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.

Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.

At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and se...

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Once upon a time, there was a sand dune with legs.

Duney they called him, truly one of a kind - a war hero of great accomplishment and honour, until that one fateful night.

It was 7PM, and the sun's glow was falling. Duney was exhausted, stumbling with his gun's barrel scraping along the desert's sand.
That was when Duney's world entered ...

Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand?

San Diego

(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)

What do you call 25 lawyers buried neck-high in sand?

not enough sand

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, ...

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with sasquatch
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to sasquatch.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,...

What do you call Trump and Hillary buried up to their necks in sand?

Progress

Why did the drowned sailor's wife punch the sand?

Because that beach stole her man.

A Polish guy finds a lamp buried in the sand

As per usual, a genie comes out and offers him three wishes.

The Polish guy things for a moment and says, "I wish for all of Ghengis Khan's armies to go rampaging across the steppes to the border of Poland, then turn around and go home."

"All right," the genie says, "Done. What's your ...

I want a sand timer with ground spices instead of sand

That way when it starts to run out I can say, "Oh no, I'm running out of Thyme!"

What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?

Ruff ruff

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been sneaking clay, sand and mortar into my housemate's food...

When they find out they'll shit bricks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man falls off a boat in a storm and washes up on a deserted beach where he finds a lamp sticking out of the sand.

Figuring "Why the hell not?" the man rubs the lamp and sure enough out pops this super hot female genie. The man can't believe his incredible luck.

"Greetings, Master," she says. "I will grant you whatever you wish, whether it is incredible wealth, love, long life, or all these things. Just k...

What do you call a waffle that's been buried in sand?

Sandiego


(The first joke I ever made as a kid)

What do you call a Mexican rolling in sand?

A churro.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

How many Sand People does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

No one knows. They ride single file to hide their numbers.

Two white guys, stranded in a desert, with no food or water see a tall majestic building. The scorching sun sure isn’t making their journey easier.

The first guy recognises this structure and says “Hey Bill, this is a mosque!” - to which Bill replies, “John, you think they’ll be hospitable and give us food and shelter”

“I don’t know Bill, but we’re desperate and we need to find a way to survive”

“I have an idea - Let’s change ou...